1 March
I don't know if I'll ever get used to the silence. The quiet is going to make me mad. No more coughing, no more guitar playing, no more fighting. No more laughter.
He almost didn't make it.
They thought he was gone before I made it to the hospital. He took some sort of drug. One of the things people make in their basement. 'A mood enhancer' Mimi said. She took it too; they were celebrating her birthday and the fact that they were better.
"The guy said it was herbal, Mark. I swear. We never would have taken if we knew…" She buried her head in my chest.
After he got out of the hospital, he and Mimi decided to move out on their own.
"We've almost lost each other too many times," One of them said while the clung to each other, "We need to take advantage of the days we have." I listened and nodded and told them they were doing the right thing. They were of course, I knew that, but they didn't worry about me. How could I ask them to? They needed each other.
I apparently do not need anybody.
Shit, there I go feeling sorry for myself again. Truth is, I was working. A lot. Now more than ever. So the fact the Roger hasn't called me since he moved two weeks ago, is easily ignorable. I only come home to sleep. I even eat at the restaurant. The nights that I don't close I usually go out with a few of the other waiters. We just go and have some drinks. It is actually very nice. No worrying about HIV, no one complaining about money and no one ignoring me.
Still, I can't help but out of place. They all are college students, or recent graduates trying to land a 'real' job. This is my 'real' job. After only two semesters at Brown, and just slacking off between now and then, I didn't have much to offer. It amazes me that they even hired me.
I shouldn't say slacking off though. I was working on my film. And taking care of Roger. And Mimi. But now that they are gone, I have to wonder, how do I take care of myself? I still worry about them. What happens if last month wasn't a fluke? What if one of them starts using again? Before long, they both will be. What if one or both of them get sick? What if Roger never calls me again?
Before they left, with the last of their belongings packed into the van that the band uses, and Mimi waiting in the passenger seat, Roger took me aside. "Look Mark, you know I'm not good with words."
"Roger, you're a songwriter."
"Yeah, but, without music… anyway, I just want you to know you're my best friend. And if I took care of you even half as well as you did me, well… I'm a better person than I ever thought I could be."
"Thanks. Now, go take care of Mimi."
He hugged me quickly, and then without looking back, drove out of our neighborhood.
They didn't move far. Just across the river to Jersey City. It was the only place they could afford a one bedroom. Still, with my schedule lately, it might as well be across the country.
So here I am, on the subway back from the restaurant. I feel a little drunk from the few beers that I had with some of the guys. There was one waitress who came out with us tonight, Theresa. I close my eyes and think about her and I smile. I'm not sure what it is. I wouldn't have picked her out of the crowd as being the most beautiful, but when she is in a small group, she just shines. She has a way of telling a story…
Maybe there is life after Roger after all.
Once I get off the subway, it is a quick walk back to the loft. I expect to enter to the silence again. I hate that noise more than anything.
The first thing I notice is the red blinking light. I turn on the lamp and walk towards the answering machine. Two new messages, I press the button.
"Mark! It's me, Roger, you know in case you forgot my voice. Call me back. Our number is 767-976-8750. I have great news…"
"Dude, where are you? I called the restaurant and it was already closed. We're in the city, we'll stop bye."
Almost on cue, the doorknob begins to turn and in walks Roger and Mimi. She runs over and hugs me, jumping up and wrapping her legs around my waist.
"Mark!" She kisses my face all over. "I've missed you!"
"Yeah, man, she really has. She keeps nagging that we should come and see you."
"Well, I wanted him to call you and he never would."
"Yeah, well because the guy is always working." Mimi climbs off of me, and goes over to Roger.
"Look, soon you are going to be working a lot to, and if you use that for an excuse you aren't going to have any friends left at all!"
"I haven't even left yet and you are already giving me shit? What the fuck?" Roger's voice is now rising.
Automatically I step between them. "Hey, calm down. What's the problem?"
"Nothing, just something finally good happens to me, and she is giving me shit." He waves his arms in her direction and steps away.
"I am not! Haven't I been out celebrating with you all night?"
I clear my throat, "Celebrating?" They don't even hear me.
"Oh, yeah, sure you have. I knew you were pretending to be happy for me."
"How were you celebrating?"
"I AM happy for you! What do you want me to do, jump around and start cheerleading? God, Roger, I'm just saying that Mark is your best friend, and it already has been two weeks since you talked to him."
"What were you celebrating?" I continue sheepishly.
"Mark knows I'm his friend, I don't have to talk to him fifteen times a day. Guys aren't like that."
"Oh of course, guys can't let others into how they're feeling."
"No, most guys don't talk about their feelings. Mark and I talk about a lot of things, but it is ok if we don't talk to each other for a few weeks."
I'm starting to miss the silence.
I climb up on the table in the middle of the room. "WILL YOU TWO JUST SHUT UP AND TELL ME WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?" I shout.
They both look at me blankly.
"You know what?" Mimi huffs, "You two should talk, I'm outta here…" She pushes past Roger and leaves.
I sit down on the table and swing my legs. "So what was that all about?"
"Nothing, everything, I don't know. We haven't been getting along all that great I guess."
"Why? What's going on?"
He comes over and sits on the table next to me. This is a position that we have had thousands of talks in our lives, but tonight, something is different. We both know that things have changed.
"Well, now that we are both feeling better, our differences have resurfaced. I've been practicing with the band a lot, and she's been giving me a lot of grief. I just can't stand to be with someone 24/7, you know?"
I nod slightly, "So what's the big news?"
"Oh!" He hops off the table excitably, "The band got signed to a record label." The grin on his face reaches from ear to ear. I automatically jump off the table and grab my camera and turn it on him. "Yeah, Tony did all this legwork while I was sick. As soon as we were able to play again, the A&R rep came and watched." He steps closer to me, and pushes the camera down, "Mark, it is a lot of money."
"Yeah? Roger…"
"No, I mean, more money than we ever imagined. I'll be able to pay you back for the past few months, and Mimi and I will be able to get a nicer place. I could even get you into a nicer place."
I shake my head unconsciously, "No need."
"Yeah, well, we'll talk about it later. I just can't believe it." He pushes himself on the table again. "My dream is finally coming true."
"I'm so proud of you." We sit and smile at each other in silence for a few minutes. Both silently enjoying the good news, and quietly celebrating Roger's achievement.
I don't know if I'll ever get used to the silence. The quiet is going to make me mad. No more coughing, no more guitar playing, no more fighting. No more laughter.
He almost didn't make it.
They thought he was gone before I made it to the hospital. He took some sort of drug. One of the things people make in their basement. 'A mood enhancer' Mimi said. She took it too; they were celebrating her birthday and the fact that they were better.
"The guy said it was herbal, Mark. I swear. We never would have taken if we knew…" She buried her head in my chest.
After he got out of the hospital, he and Mimi decided to move out on their own.
"We've almost lost each other too many times," One of them said while the clung to each other, "We need to take advantage of the days we have." I listened and nodded and told them they were doing the right thing. They were of course, I knew that, but they didn't worry about me. How could I ask them to? They needed each other.
I apparently do not need anybody.
Shit, there I go feeling sorry for myself again. Truth is, I was working. A lot. Now more than ever. So the fact the Roger hasn't called me since he moved two weeks ago, is easily ignorable. I only come home to sleep. I even eat at the restaurant. The nights that I don't close I usually go out with a few of the other waiters. We just go and have some drinks. It is actually very nice. No worrying about HIV, no one complaining about money and no one ignoring me.
Still, I can't help but out of place. They all are college students, or recent graduates trying to land a 'real' job. This is my 'real' job. After only two semesters at Brown, and just slacking off between now and then, I didn't have much to offer. It amazes me that they even hired me.
I shouldn't say slacking off though. I was working on my film. And taking care of Roger. And Mimi. But now that they are gone, I have to wonder, how do I take care of myself? I still worry about them. What happens if last month wasn't a fluke? What if one of them starts using again? Before long, they both will be. What if one or both of them get sick? What if Roger never calls me again?
Before they left, with the last of their belongings packed into the van that the band uses, and Mimi waiting in the passenger seat, Roger took me aside. "Look Mark, you know I'm not good with words."
"Roger, you're a songwriter."
"Yeah, but, without music… anyway, I just want you to know you're my best friend. And if I took care of you even half as well as you did me, well… I'm a better person than I ever thought I could be."
"Thanks. Now, go take care of Mimi."
He hugged me quickly, and then without looking back, drove out of our neighborhood.
They didn't move far. Just across the river to Jersey City. It was the only place they could afford a one bedroom. Still, with my schedule lately, it might as well be across the country.
So here I am, on the subway back from the restaurant. I feel a little drunk from the few beers that I had with some of the guys. There was one waitress who came out with us tonight, Theresa. I close my eyes and think about her and I smile. I'm not sure what it is. I wouldn't have picked her out of the crowd as being the most beautiful, but when she is in a small group, she just shines. She has a way of telling a story…
Maybe there is life after Roger after all.
Once I get off the subway, it is a quick walk back to the loft. I expect to enter to the silence again. I hate that noise more than anything.
The first thing I notice is the red blinking light. I turn on the lamp and walk towards the answering machine. Two new messages, I press the button.
"Mark! It's me, Roger, you know in case you forgot my voice. Call me back. Our number is 767-976-8750. I have great news…"
"Dude, where are you? I called the restaurant and it was already closed. We're in the city, we'll stop bye."
Almost on cue, the doorknob begins to turn and in walks Roger and Mimi. She runs over and hugs me, jumping up and wrapping her legs around my waist.
"Mark!" She kisses my face all over. "I've missed you!"
"Yeah, man, she really has. She keeps nagging that we should come and see you."
"Well, I wanted him to call you and he never would."
"Yeah, well because the guy is always working." Mimi climbs off of me, and goes over to Roger.
"Look, soon you are going to be working a lot to, and if you use that for an excuse you aren't going to have any friends left at all!"
"I haven't even left yet and you are already giving me shit? What the fuck?" Roger's voice is now rising.
Automatically I step between them. "Hey, calm down. What's the problem?"
"Nothing, just something finally good happens to me, and she is giving me shit." He waves his arms in her direction and steps away.
"I am not! Haven't I been out celebrating with you all night?"
I clear my throat, "Celebrating?" They don't even hear me.
"Oh, yeah, sure you have. I knew you were pretending to be happy for me."
"How were you celebrating?"
"I AM happy for you! What do you want me to do, jump around and start cheerleading? God, Roger, I'm just saying that Mark is your best friend, and it already has been two weeks since you talked to him."
"What were you celebrating?" I continue sheepishly.
"Mark knows I'm his friend, I don't have to talk to him fifteen times a day. Guys aren't like that."
"Oh of course, guys can't let others into how they're feeling."
"No, most guys don't talk about their feelings. Mark and I talk about a lot of things, but it is ok if we don't talk to each other for a few weeks."
I'm starting to miss the silence.
I climb up on the table in the middle of the room. "WILL YOU TWO JUST SHUT UP AND TELL ME WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?" I shout.
They both look at me blankly.
"You know what?" Mimi huffs, "You two should talk, I'm outta here…" She pushes past Roger and leaves.
I sit down on the table and swing my legs. "So what was that all about?"
"Nothing, everything, I don't know. We haven't been getting along all that great I guess."
"Why? What's going on?"
He comes over and sits on the table next to me. This is a position that we have had thousands of talks in our lives, but tonight, something is different. We both know that things have changed.
"Well, now that we are both feeling better, our differences have resurfaced. I've been practicing with the band a lot, and she's been giving me a lot of grief. I just can't stand to be with someone 24/7, you know?"
I nod slightly, "So what's the big news?"
"Oh!" He hops off the table excitably, "The band got signed to a record label." The grin on his face reaches from ear to ear. I automatically jump off the table and grab my camera and turn it on him. "Yeah, Tony did all this legwork while I was sick. As soon as we were able to play again, the A&R rep came and watched." He steps closer to me, and pushes the camera down, "Mark, it is a lot of money."
"Yeah? Roger…"
"No, I mean, more money than we ever imagined. I'll be able to pay you back for the past few months, and Mimi and I will be able to get a nicer place. I could even get you into a nicer place."
I shake my head unconsciously, "No need."
"Yeah, well, we'll talk about it later. I just can't believe it." He pushes himself on the table again. "My dream is finally coming true."
"I'm so proud of you." We sit and smile at each other in silence for a few minutes. Both silently enjoying the good news, and quietly celebrating Roger's achievement.