September
"Mark? Mark!" Mimi whispers in my ear as she lets her lips slide along it. "Have you even showered today?" She puts her hands on my shoulders and begins rubbing them.
"Oh, don't ever stop." I lean back in the chair and close my eyes. "My shoulders are killing me."
"Well no wonder, you being hunched over like that all day." She walks to my side and with her finger under my chin, moves my face to look into hers. "How are you doing?" She reaches out and touches my bruised cheek. I flinch away automatically.
"I'm fine." I see the look of worry on her face. "No, I am." I smile at her and she smiles back at me.
"Ok then, get up and showered. You're taking me out tonight!" She straddles me in the chair wrapping her arms around my neck. "I don't want to hear any excuses."
"I can't. I'm really getting things done, I don't want to stop."
"Mark, you have been working on the film for two weeks. I don't think you have even left the apartment." She climbs off of me and folds her arms. "Come on."
"No, I... I just can't tonight. Tomorrow, ok? I promise."
She gets down on her knees in front of me, "Baby, its ok to be scared. What happened to you was scary, but you have to put your behind in your past!"
"Uh, don't you mean..."
She shakes her head. "Where is your sense of humor? Come ooooooonnn." She tries pulling me up from the chair, but I won't budge. "Mark, please?"
"No. I'm sorry, I just can't." I plead with her in my eyes. "Tomorrow, I promise."
She stands and steps away from. "Well at least shower then, you stink."
"Gee thanks." I roll my eyes, and go back to splicing my film.
"Do you think you are almost done?"
"I don't know. I think so."
She ruffles my hair a little. "Well, I'm going out. Some of the girls from the Kat Scratch Klub stopped by work today and invited me to go dancing."
I look up at her, worried. "The Kat Scratch Klub? But aren't those the girls you used to..." My voice drops before I finish the sentence.
"What?"
"Shoot up with?" I meekly say.
"I'm a big girl Mark, I can take care of myself."
"I know, but."
"Look I'm going. Don't bother waiting up for me, I'll be home late." She leans over and kisses me quickly. "Don't worry, I'll be fine." She ruffles my hair.
I nod and turn back to the table. I hear her shuffling around the apartment, yell goodbye to me, and leave.
Why should I be surprised that she wants to go out? This is Mimi after all. The girl never stayed home when she was with Roger, unless she was sick. But she stopped when he left. We spent the nights talking and kissing and cuddling.
After the fight, she barely left my side for a week. She would get me tea, lay next to me, and take care of me. She took care of me like no one has ever had before. It was somewhere in those seven days that I realized that I do truly love her. When she left the room, a feeling of overwhelming loneliness took over, and when she returned, a wave of comfort. We barely spoke during the week, the pain medicine I was on caused me to sleep mostly. But I know she was always there, lying next to me. Her warm breath on the back of my neck, consoling the physical pain.
I haven't told her. In fact, we still haven't even discussed what is going on with us. I'm too afraid to bring it up. She probably doesn't see any reason to. I know her whole attitude of living for today and not worrying about the future or the past. But, perhaps because I'm not sick, or because I was raised different, I always worry.
I worry that she doesn't feel the same way for me. I worry that she's going to get sick again. I worry that I'm going to let her down, or she is going to leave me. She is so beautiful and sexy and there are so many guys who want her. I have no reason to think that she is dedicated to me. I have never asked her to be.
But most of all, I worry that I'm just a replacement of Roger. That I'm just the next best thing. I know deep down, that if he showed up again, she would go back to him. They have a connection that I could never understand. Roger used to say that the first moment he saw her entering the loft; he fell in love with her. Of course it took them a year to actually say it to each other. She made him better. I don't know how, but she did.
There is one more thing that I worry about. A thing so huge, that I can't allow myself to think about. Every time I go into the room to change, I see them there. The box of condoms left over from her time with Roger. It is the one step we haven't taken, and I don't know if I can. Can I risk myself for her? Does she even want me to?
My thoughts are interrupted by a knock on the door. I go over and open the door, still latched by the chain. I notice the clothes first as I move my eyes over the dark complexion that I recognize instantly. "Benny!" I fake my enthusiasm as I close the door in order to unlock it. As I open the door again he looks at me strangely.
"Hey Mark, what are you doing here?"
"Oh, I'm..." I look down at the ground and rub the back of my neck. "I was just doing some work."
"Where's Mimi?" He walks past me and peeks into the other rooms.
"She's out with some friends." I say casually. "But I'll tell her you dropped by."
"Why are you here if she's not?" He looks at me confused. "And why is your phone disconnected?"
"Oh, I... I moved down here."
"What? Why?"
"Well, it just sort of happened over the summer because of the..."
"THE SUMMER! Christ, I'm your landlord, you could have at least told me. I'm doing you guys a favor by letting you stay here for free and you move out? I could be renting that place for actual money!"
"Oh, I..." I stammer not really wanting to have this conversation. "Sorry, I just..."
"Where's Roger? Is he living here too?"
"No, he left."
"Where did he go?"
"Don't know." I sit back down at the desk and pretend to start working again.
"Did they break up?"
"Who?
"Mimi and Roger?" He looks annoyed at me.
"Oh yeah, a while ago. Before she moved back in here, remember?"
"Hmm... well she hasn't called me in awhile, I assumed they got back together."
"What?"
"Usually she calls me and we hang out, if you know what I mean." I feel my body get tense despite myself. "She doesn't have a new man already, does she?"
"I... I don't know." The pencil that I'm gripping snaps in half to my surprise.
"Hmm..." He looks around the place. "Where are you sleeping?"
"Oh, uh in the bedroom."
All of the sudden he starts laughing. "You and Mimi? No fucking way."
"Its none of your business Benny."
"Oh come on, you have to tell me."
"No!"
"Man, she is going to take you for a ride."
"You don't know anything." I stand up and push the chair in, knocking it over. Benny is still laughing.
"There is no way it is ever going to work for you two." He stops laughing for a second, but the smirk on his face remains. "How did you get the black eye? Mimi? Was she too rough for you in bed."
"Fuck Off!" I charge towards him, but he doesn't even budge. Benny started lifting weights back in high school, and he has the strength to prove it.
He continues laughing, "I'm sorry, Mark. It is just funny." He goes over to my desk and scrawls down a number. "Here, this is my new cell, when Mimi's ready for a real man again, have her call me."
"Just get out."
He starts laughing again, but before he leaves he looks at me. "Look, get your stuff out of the loft upstairs. If you aren't going to be staying there, I know plenty people who would like to be."
"Fine."
"I mean it. Latah." He glides out of the apartment.
I lock the door behind him and sink back into the chair by the desk. Well one person in the world now knows. Does this change things? Does it mean that she and I can actually discuss it? I decide to wait for her to come home so we can talk.
Hours later, after fighting to stay awake, I finally fall asleep on the couch. I wake up to the sounds of traffic and light blaring through the window. I wearily get off the couch and go into the bedroom. The empty bed wakes me up when I realize Mimi never came home. I start to panic and my mind races. Where the hell is she? My first thought is that she got wasted somewhere and didn't bother to come home, or maybe she hooked up with a random guy, or maybe she is sick and alone.
I quickly change my clothes and brush my teeth. I grab my coat and I walk out of the apartment and Mimi is sleeping against the wall. Her eyeliner is smudged down her face, and her hair is all ratty. I crouch down. "Mimi?" She barely opens her eyes.
"About fucking time!" She reaches her hand out to me and I help pull her out.
"What?"
"You chain locked the damn door. I couldn't get in last night. I banged and banged but you must have slept right through it."
"Oh, I'm sorry." She waves her hand at me to let me know it is ok. She shuffles her way inside.
"Where were you going?"
"To look for you." I say sheepishly.
"Why?"
"I thought... I don't know."
"What did you think?" She yawns and wipes her eyes.
"Nothing, never mind." She looks at me cross-eyed, trying to decide if she would rather sleep or press the issue.
"We'll talk later. I'm going to crash." She throws her bag on the table and few things fall out. The only thing I notice is a stash of white powder. She sees me notice it. "Mark, that's not..." I just shake my head. I don't know what to say. I don't know if I have a right. "Baby seriously, someone just asked me to hold it and I forgot to give it back." She comes over to me and reaches out, "I didn't..." I step back. "You don't believe me?"
I can't look at her in the face. I don't know what to believe. "I want to." I simply say.
"Then do it. Mark, I swear, I didn't." She reaches up to my face, "Look at me." I pull back again, still not able to look at her. "Look, I can't deal with this. I'm going to bed." She turns away, stuffs everything back into her bag and walks into the bedroom.
Just as she's about to enter I look up at her. Her back is to me and she can't see the fear in my eyes. "Mimi," I crack, "I love you." The words escape my mouth despite my better judgment.
She barely turns around and simply says, "I know, Baby."
"Mark? Mark!" Mimi whispers in my ear as she lets her lips slide along it. "Have you even showered today?" She puts her hands on my shoulders and begins rubbing them.
"Oh, don't ever stop." I lean back in the chair and close my eyes. "My shoulders are killing me."
"Well no wonder, you being hunched over like that all day." She walks to my side and with her finger under my chin, moves my face to look into hers. "How are you doing?" She reaches out and touches my bruised cheek. I flinch away automatically.
"I'm fine." I see the look of worry on her face. "No, I am." I smile at her and she smiles back at me.
"Ok then, get up and showered. You're taking me out tonight!" She straddles me in the chair wrapping her arms around my neck. "I don't want to hear any excuses."
"I can't. I'm really getting things done, I don't want to stop."
"Mark, you have been working on the film for two weeks. I don't think you have even left the apartment." She climbs off of me and folds her arms. "Come on."
"No, I... I just can't tonight. Tomorrow, ok? I promise."
She gets down on her knees in front of me, "Baby, its ok to be scared. What happened to you was scary, but you have to put your behind in your past!"
"Uh, don't you mean..."
She shakes her head. "Where is your sense of humor? Come ooooooonnn." She tries pulling me up from the chair, but I won't budge. "Mark, please?"
"No. I'm sorry, I just can't." I plead with her in my eyes. "Tomorrow, I promise."
She stands and steps away from. "Well at least shower then, you stink."
"Gee thanks." I roll my eyes, and go back to splicing my film.
"Do you think you are almost done?"
"I don't know. I think so."
She ruffles my hair a little. "Well, I'm going out. Some of the girls from the Kat Scratch Klub stopped by work today and invited me to go dancing."
I look up at her, worried. "The Kat Scratch Klub? But aren't those the girls you used to..." My voice drops before I finish the sentence.
"What?"
"Shoot up with?" I meekly say.
"I'm a big girl Mark, I can take care of myself."
"I know, but."
"Look I'm going. Don't bother waiting up for me, I'll be home late." She leans over and kisses me quickly. "Don't worry, I'll be fine." She ruffles my hair.
I nod and turn back to the table. I hear her shuffling around the apartment, yell goodbye to me, and leave.
Why should I be surprised that she wants to go out? This is Mimi after all. The girl never stayed home when she was with Roger, unless she was sick. But she stopped when he left. We spent the nights talking and kissing and cuddling.
After the fight, she barely left my side for a week. She would get me tea, lay next to me, and take care of me. She took care of me like no one has ever had before. It was somewhere in those seven days that I realized that I do truly love her. When she left the room, a feeling of overwhelming loneliness took over, and when she returned, a wave of comfort. We barely spoke during the week, the pain medicine I was on caused me to sleep mostly. But I know she was always there, lying next to me. Her warm breath on the back of my neck, consoling the physical pain.
I haven't told her. In fact, we still haven't even discussed what is going on with us. I'm too afraid to bring it up. She probably doesn't see any reason to. I know her whole attitude of living for today and not worrying about the future or the past. But, perhaps because I'm not sick, or because I was raised different, I always worry.
I worry that she doesn't feel the same way for me. I worry that she's going to get sick again. I worry that I'm going to let her down, or she is going to leave me. She is so beautiful and sexy and there are so many guys who want her. I have no reason to think that she is dedicated to me. I have never asked her to be.
But most of all, I worry that I'm just a replacement of Roger. That I'm just the next best thing. I know deep down, that if he showed up again, she would go back to him. They have a connection that I could never understand. Roger used to say that the first moment he saw her entering the loft; he fell in love with her. Of course it took them a year to actually say it to each other. She made him better. I don't know how, but she did.
There is one more thing that I worry about. A thing so huge, that I can't allow myself to think about. Every time I go into the room to change, I see them there. The box of condoms left over from her time with Roger. It is the one step we haven't taken, and I don't know if I can. Can I risk myself for her? Does she even want me to?
My thoughts are interrupted by a knock on the door. I go over and open the door, still latched by the chain. I notice the clothes first as I move my eyes over the dark complexion that I recognize instantly. "Benny!" I fake my enthusiasm as I close the door in order to unlock it. As I open the door again he looks at me strangely.
"Hey Mark, what are you doing here?"
"Oh, I'm..." I look down at the ground and rub the back of my neck. "I was just doing some work."
"Where's Mimi?" He walks past me and peeks into the other rooms.
"She's out with some friends." I say casually. "But I'll tell her you dropped by."
"Why are you here if she's not?" He looks at me confused. "And why is your phone disconnected?"
"Oh, I... I moved down here."
"What? Why?"
"Well, it just sort of happened over the summer because of the..."
"THE SUMMER! Christ, I'm your landlord, you could have at least told me. I'm doing you guys a favor by letting you stay here for free and you move out? I could be renting that place for actual money!"
"Oh, I..." I stammer not really wanting to have this conversation. "Sorry, I just..."
"Where's Roger? Is he living here too?"
"No, he left."
"Where did he go?"
"Don't know." I sit back down at the desk and pretend to start working again.
"Did they break up?"
"Who?
"Mimi and Roger?" He looks annoyed at me.
"Oh yeah, a while ago. Before she moved back in here, remember?"
"Hmm... well she hasn't called me in awhile, I assumed they got back together."
"What?"
"Usually she calls me and we hang out, if you know what I mean." I feel my body get tense despite myself. "She doesn't have a new man already, does she?"
"I... I don't know." The pencil that I'm gripping snaps in half to my surprise.
"Hmm..." He looks around the place. "Where are you sleeping?"
"Oh, uh in the bedroom."
All of the sudden he starts laughing. "You and Mimi? No fucking way."
"Its none of your business Benny."
"Oh come on, you have to tell me."
"No!"
"Man, she is going to take you for a ride."
"You don't know anything." I stand up and push the chair in, knocking it over. Benny is still laughing.
"There is no way it is ever going to work for you two." He stops laughing for a second, but the smirk on his face remains. "How did you get the black eye? Mimi? Was she too rough for you in bed."
"Fuck Off!" I charge towards him, but he doesn't even budge. Benny started lifting weights back in high school, and he has the strength to prove it.
He continues laughing, "I'm sorry, Mark. It is just funny." He goes over to my desk and scrawls down a number. "Here, this is my new cell, when Mimi's ready for a real man again, have her call me."
"Just get out."
He starts laughing again, but before he leaves he looks at me. "Look, get your stuff out of the loft upstairs. If you aren't going to be staying there, I know plenty people who would like to be."
"Fine."
"I mean it. Latah." He glides out of the apartment.
I lock the door behind him and sink back into the chair by the desk. Well one person in the world now knows. Does this change things? Does it mean that she and I can actually discuss it? I decide to wait for her to come home so we can talk.
Hours later, after fighting to stay awake, I finally fall asleep on the couch. I wake up to the sounds of traffic and light blaring through the window. I wearily get off the couch and go into the bedroom. The empty bed wakes me up when I realize Mimi never came home. I start to panic and my mind races. Where the hell is she? My first thought is that she got wasted somewhere and didn't bother to come home, or maybe she hooked up with a random guy, or maybe she is sick and alone.
I quickly change my clothes and brush my teeth. I grab my coat and I walk out of the apartment and Mimi is sleeping against the wall. Her eyeliner is smudged down her face, and her hair is all ratty. I crouch down. "Mimi?" She barely opens her eyes.
"About fucking time!" She reaches her hand out to me and I help pull her out.
"What?"
"You chain locked the damn door. I couldn't get in last night. I banged and banged but you must have slept right through it."
"Oh, I'm sorry." She waves her hand at me to let me know it is ok. She shuffles her way inside.
"Where were you going?"
"To look for you." I say sheepishly.
"Why?"
"I thought... I don't know."
"What did you think?" She yawns and wipes her eyes.
"Nothing, never mind." She looks at me cross-eyed, trying to decide if she would rather sleep or press the issue.
"We'll talk later. I'm going to crash." She throws her bag on the table and few things fall out. The only thing I notice is a stash of white powder. She sees me notice it. "Mark, that's not..." I just shake my head. I don't know what to say. I don't know if I have a right. "Baby seriously, someone just asked me to hold it and I forgot to give it back." She comes over to me and reaches out, "I didn't..." I step back. "You don't believe me?"
I can't look at her in the face. I don't know what to believe. "I want to." I simply say.
"Then do it. Mark, I swear, I didn't." She reaches up to my face, "Look at me." I pull back again, still not able to look at her. "Look, I can't deal with this. I'm going to bed." She turns away, stuffs everything back into her bag and walks into the bedroom.
Just as she's about to enter I look up at her. Her back is to me and she can't see the fear in my eyes. "Mimi," I crack, "I love you." The words escape my mouth despite my better judgment.
She barely turns around and simply says, "I know, Baby."