October
The knock on the door wakes me though I didn't realize I had fallen asleep. A white square is projected on the wall and the projector itself is spinning wildly. I look around to figure out what time it is, but I can't see the clock so I stumble over to the door and flick the light on. I rub my eyes and unlock and open the door slightly without paying attention to who is behind it. I assume it is Mimi and that she forgotten her keys again.
I stumble back to the couch and fall into it. "Hey sweetie, I must have fallen asleep."
"Sweetie? I'm not your sweetie."
The deep familiar voice wakes me right up. I sit up and focus on Roger as he steps into the apartment, closes the door behind him and drops his guitar on the floor.
"Roger? What…"
"Is that how you greet your best friend?" Confused, I look up at him and stand.
"Uh… I'm just surprised." I look him over, he is freshly shaved and it seems his hair is slightly damp. "What are you doing here?" My heart sinks as the realization of his sudden arrival could actually mean.
"I'm home Mark. Despite what Thomas Wolf said, you can always go home, right?"
"Yeah." I look at him and wide grin and settle my conflicted emotions. Roger's home. "Yeah! Welcome home!" I approach him and he gives me a bear hug. Wrapping my arms around him, I can feel how much skinnier he is.
"It's great to see you, Mark. I missed this place so much." He looks around the apartment. "Where's Mimi?"
"Oh she's at work. She started back at the Kat Scratch Klub last week."
"Really? Is she… ok?"
"Yeah, we just nee… uh, she just needed some more money."
He nods knowingly, walking through the apartment and taking everything in. My presence in the apartment is obvious. Besides the projector still spinning out of control, and the pile of film reels and videos, there are just little bit of remnants that I'm there on a full time basis.
I watch Roger pick up my copy of They Might Be Giant's Pink Album, a tape Mimi would never have in her collection and one that I listen to a lot when I am working. He stares at it for a second and looks up at me. "Are you living here now?"
"Uh," I rub the back of my neck, a habit I have when I'm nervous. "Kind of, yeah."
"Why?" He nods as he walks around to the couch. "Has Mimi been sick?"
"No, no… I just… we've just gotten closer these past few months."
Roger nods again, not making any connection. Like most people, the possibility of Mimi and me together doesn't even cross his mind. "Good, I'm glad you have been there for her. How is she doing?"
"She's fine, you know Mimi."
"Yeah." He smiles, and then sits up seriously. "I'm here to get her back. God Mark, I didn't know until I was gone much I really love her. She is just," he pauses and sighs, "She's everything to me, you know?" I nod silently. "But damn, I was such an ass to her, do you think she'll ever forgive me?" I shrug and remain quiet.
Despite myself, I tense up and feel annoyed. I don't know what I want from him. He hasn't apologized to me or explained himself. He thinks he can waltz right in and get Mimi back without question. He hasn't even asked me how I'm doing.
So without thinking it through, I take a deep breath and spout out, "I think she is seeing someone actually."
"Who? Benny? Benny isn't a problem."
"No not Benny, someone new."
He laughs, "It doesn't matter. I don't mean to sound full of myself, but whatever she could possibly have with someone else, it would never compare to what we had." He looks at me and his crystal blue ices shine with hope, "I'm going to ask her to marry me."
"What?" I stand up, "No! You… you can't. Jesus Roger, she is finally moving on. How many times can you hurt her? Or me?"
"You? What do you have to do with it?" I shake my head and turn away, squeezing my eyes to release the tears that want to escape. "Mark, what's going on?"
I turn around and look at him. I take a deep breath, "Just a lot has changed since you left. She and I… she and I have made our peace with you and here you are storming back and thinking everything can go back to the way things were." I walk towards him and he flinches back. "Where the hell were you? Where did you go? Why didn't you call to let us know you were ok?"
He shakes his head. "I know, I know. I fucked up, ok? I was so mad for so long. But I realize none of that matters now."
"What?"
"The music, the fame, it was like a poison, an addiction. Once I got a taste of it I wanted more and more. Just like when I was using. I didn't care who I hurt, I just had to get a bigger hit." He laughs at his pun, "If you get my meaning."
"So what changed?"
He laughs and shrugs his shoulders. "Failure, I guess. Those first few months I was wallowing in self-pity. I drank a lot and I almost used many times. But then after a few month, the self-pitying turned to loneliness. I had no one anymore. Not a girlfriend, and not a best friend. I was so mad at you, you know? I couldn't face the notion that maybe you were right. I just wanted to be famous so bad, I didn't care how." He looks me in the eyes, "Mark, I'm sorry. I know it is going to take some time to fix things with us, and with Mimi, but… I don't know how much time I have left."
"Left? What do you mean?"
He looks away. "God, I didn't want to lay all this out so fast." He sighs, "I got sick last month. Really sick. I was playing at an open mike and suddenly felt awful. I passed out on stage and the next thing I knew, I woke up in the hospital."
"Oh God." I back up into a chair because I feel like the wind just got knocked out of me.
"I was there for over a week and they gave me every test you can imagine." His face grows somber, "The spinal tap was the worse I think. Turns out, I have some sort of cancer that I can't even pronounce."
"What?"
He nods. "So as soon as they kicked me out, I came straight back to New York." He covers his eyes and wipes the tears. "I never felt so alone in my life. No one cared about me. The nurses were afraid to touch me, they act like what I am. A walking infection."
"Roger…"
He takes a deep breath and I see the tears falling. I go over to him and put my arm around him and let him cry into my shoulder. His thin body quivers as I hold him. "I'm sorry Mark, please forgive me…"
"I do Roger… I do…"
Just then the door opens. Roger's back is to the door, but he sits up quickly and wipes his eyes with his wrists. "Baby, I'm home!" I watch her stop short as she sees him sitting on the couch. "Roger."
He gets up slowly and walks over to her. His emotions are still on high gear and he barely whispers, "I'm sorry." She looks at him shocked as he stumbles into her arms. "I'm so so sorry."
"Shh… Roger, it is ok. It's ok." She holds him the best she can as he breaks down into her arms. They stay like that for a long time.
I don't know what to do. I stand up and clear my throat, "Uh, I'll let you guys be alone for a while."
"Mark, sweetie, you don't have to." Mimi looks up at me with sadness in her eyes.
"No, no, you two should talk." I grab my coat and walk towards the door. "I'll be back in a little while."
I walk out and as I'm about to leave the building I hear Mimi call my name. She runs down the stairs after me. "Does he know?"
"Know what?" I ask naively.
"About us?"
"Us? Is there an us?"
"Mark, don't start. Did you tell him that you love me?" She asks me the question like it is a sin. I simply shake my head once. "Good." She looks up at the door, "He doesn't look good."
"Yeah, look, you better go talk to him."
"Mark, you know I care about you, right?" I nod silently again. "Ok, good." She squeezes my hand gently. "Why don't you come back in an hour?"
"Sure, sure, fine." I watch her bolt up the stairs and back into Roger's arms.
I don't know how long I walked around for. I know it was longer than an hour. The sun was beginning to peak over the city. I went and sat in the Life Café. Where else really? Always open, twenty-four seven. I sat at a window seat and sipped my tea. I had just enough change on my to get a never-ending cup, and even leave a twenty-five cent tip.
I slowly sipped two cups staring out the window. The only other people walking around were the ones that had no place to go. The ones who live in the shadows of the city. I found myself wondering if they loved anyone. Was there someone out there wondering where they were and if they would ever come home? Were the people they left behind able to carry on without them? Have they moved on? Were they able to stop loving them? Did the wanderers care?
After the caffeine and sugar wired me enough, and the tea warmed me, I walked back to the loft. I took the long way. I was afraid of what I would find.
But I'm here now. I took a deep breath and made myself go home. I've been standing outside the door listening, but I haven't heard anything. I quietly knock as I open the door. I keep my eyes shut worried to what I would find.
When I open them, I see Roger on one knee.
Mimi is standing, a look of shock on her face.
They turn and look at me.
"Oh, sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt." I stutter my words and stare at them. Roger is holding Mimi's hands. I wonder if he already asked or if he was getting ready too.
Mimi pulled her hands away. "Mark, it is ok. We were just…"
"Mark knows." Roger smiles as he stands up. "I told him before."
"Oh. And you are ok with it?"
I stand still. Frozen.
"Of course he is." He goes back to Mimi, "Does that mean you say yes?"
"No. I mean… Mark?" She walks towards me. "Baby, it isn't what you think."
I smile. I take a deep breath. "Congratulations."
"No! Mark." She takes my hand. "I didn't say yes."
"Baby?" Roger interrupts. "That's the second time I've heard you call him that." He steps back and looks at us and then around the room. "What is going on with you two?"
Neither of us answers him.
Our silence answers his question.
"Oh. I see." His face turns red almost instantly. "Well isn't that sweet. How long did you wait until I was out of town?"
"Roger, it wasn't like that. It just happened." Mimi pleads with him.
"What just happened? Mark just happened to betray his best friend? Or did you just happen to be the slut I always knew you were?"
"That's enough." I step towards him. "Roger, I'm sorry. I didn't betray you. You said you were never coming back!"
"If you knew me at all…" He now takes a step close to me. His face is next to mine. "If you knew me at all, you knew I would come back. I always fucking come back!" He pushes me.
I stumble back and I realize that he is right. I knew he would show up one day. I knew this day would come. "I'm sorry, Roger."
"Roger, honey, listen…" Mimi takes her turn.
"Don't Roger honey me. You disgust me. You both do."
"What happened to fixing everything that went wrong? You just told me you love me a few minutes ago." She points to where they were when he proposed.
"And you said it back!" He bellows, sending him into a coughing fit.
"Roger, sit down." I reach out and try to guide him to the couch but he pushes me away.
Mimi takes Roger's hand, and holds mine with the other. "I do love you, Roger. But I love Mark too."
We both pull are hands away at the same time.
"I don't know what to do."
"Easy. You and Mark can continue to live happily ever after. I'm out of here."
"No!" She steps in front of him. "You just got out of the hospital. You are still sick. You aren't leaving here until you are better. And until we figure things out."
"I'll leave then." I say softly. "You two deserve a chance to work things out."
"No Mark, this is your home. You are staying."
"I'm not living with him. No fucking way." Roger interjects.
"I'll go stay with Maureen and Joanne for awhile."
"You haven't even talked to them in months." She pulls me aside. "Baby, you don't have to go."
"Why haven't you ever told me?" I ask seriously.
"What?"
"That you love me?"
"I tell you every night." She says exasperated.
"Yeah but, you never say it back to me. Just, 'I know'."
"Mark, this isn't the time."
"Yeah it is. This is the perfect time. You don't really love me. You love him. You two belong together."
"No, I won't let you make this decision for me."
"Mimi, there is no decision to be made. It's over."
I walk towards the door.
"Mark, no."
I look at her and then I look at Roger. "I'm sorry."
The knock on the door wakes me though I didn't realize I had fallen asleep. A white square is projected on the wall and the projector itself is spinning wildly. I look around to figure out what time it is, but I can't see the clock so I stumble over to the door and flick the light on. I rub my eyes and unlock and open the door slightly without paying attention to who is behind it. I assume it is Mimi and that she forgotten her keys again.
I stumble back to the couch and fall into it. "Hey sweetie, I must have fallen asleep."
"Sweetie? I'm not your sweetie."
The deep familiar voice wakes me right up. I sit up and focus on Roger as he steps into the apartment, closes the door behind him and drops his guitar on the floor.
"Roger? What…"
"Is that how you greet your best friend?" Confused, I look up at him and stand.
"Uh… I'm just surprised." I look him over, he is freshly shaved and it seems his hair is slightly damp. "What are you doing here?" My heart sinks as the realization of his sudden arrival could actually mean.
"I'm home Mark. Despite what Thomas Wolf said, you can always go home, right?"
"Yeah." I look at him and wide grin and settle my conflicted emotions. Roger's home. "Yeah! Welcome home!" I approach him and he gives me a bear hug. Wrapping my arms around him, I can feel how much skinnier he is.
"It's great to see you, Mark. I missed this place so much." He looks around the apartment. "Where's Mimi?"
"Oh she's at work. She started back at the Kat Scratch Klub last week."
"Really? Is she… ok?"
"Yeah, we just nee… uh, she just needed some more money."
He nods knowingly, walking through the apartment and taking everything in. My presence in the apartment is obvious. Besides the projector still spinning out of control, and the pile of film reels and videos, there are just little bit of remnants that I'm there on a full time basis.
I watch Roger pick up my copy of They Might Be Giant's Pink Album, a tape Mimi would never have in her collection and one that I listen to a lot when I am working. He stares at it for a second and looks up at me. "Are you living here now?"
"Uh," I rub the back of my neck, a habit I have when I'm nervous. "Kind of, yeah."
"Why?" He nods as he walks around to the couch. "Has Mimi been sick?"
"No, no… I just… we've just gotten closer these past few months."
Roger nods again, not making any connection. Like most people, the possibility of Mimi and me together doesn't even cross his mind. "Good, I'm glad you have been there for her. How is she doing?"
"She's fine, you know Mimi."
"Yeah." He smiles, and then sits up seriously. "I'm here to get her back. God Mark, I didn't know until I was gone much I really love her. She is just," he pauses and sighs, "She's everything to me, you know?" I nod silently. "But damn, I was such an ass to her, do you think she'll ever forgive me?" I shrug and remain quiet.
Despite myself, I tense up and feel annoyed. I don't know what I want from him. He hasn't apologized to me or explained himself. He thinks he can waltz right in and get Mimi back without question. He hasn't even asked me how I'm doing.
So without thinking it through, I take a deep breath and spout out, "I think she is seeing someone actually."
"Who? Benny? Benny isn't a problem."
"No not Benny, someone new."
He laughs, "It doesn't matter. I don't mean to sound full of myself, but whatever she could possibly have with someone else, it would never compare to what we had." He looks at me and his crystal blue ices shine with hope, "I'm going to ask her to marry me."
"What?" I stand up, "No! You… you can't. Jesus Roger, she is finally moving on. How many times can you hurt her? Or me?"
"You? What do you have to do with it?" I shake my head and turn away, squeezing my eyes to release the tears that want to escape. "Mark, what's going on?"
I turn around and look at him. I take a deep breath, "Just a lot has changed since you left. She and I… she and I have made our peace with you and here you are storming back and thinking everything can go back to the way things were." I walk towards him and he flinches back. "Where the hell were you? Where did you go? Why didn't you call to let us know you were ok?"
He shakes his head. "I know, I know. I fucked up, ok? I was so mad for so long. But I realize none of that matters now."
"What?"
"The music, the fame, it was like a poison, an addiction. Once I got a taste of it I wanted more and more. Just like when I was using. I didn't care who I hurt, I just had to get a bigger hit." He laughs at his pun, "If you get my meaning."
"So what changed?"
He laughs and shrugs his shoulders. "Failure, I guess. Those first few months I was wallowing in self-pity. I drank a lot and I almost used many times. But then after a few month, the self-pitying turned to loneliness. I had no one anymore. Not a girlfriend, and not a best friend. I was so mad at you, you know? I couldn't face the notion that maybe you were right. I just wanted to be famous so bad, I didn't care how." He looks me in the eyes, "Mark, I'm sorry. I know it is going to take some time to fix things with us, and with Mimi, but… I don't know how much time I have left."
"Left? What do you mean?"
He looks away. "God, I didn't want to lay all this out so fast." He sighs, "I got sick last month. Really sick. I was playing at an open mike and suddenly felt awful. I passed out on stage and the next thing I knew, I woke up in the hospital."
"Oh God." I back up into a chair because I feel like the wind just got knocked out of me.
"I was there for over a week and they gave me every test you can imagine." His face grows somber, "The spinal tap was the worse I think. Turns out, I have some sort of cancer that I can't even pronounce."
"What?"
He nods. "So as soon as they kicked me out, I came straight back to New York." He covers his eyes and wipes the tears. "I never felt so alone in my life. No one cared about me. The nurses were afraid to touch me, they act like what I am. A walking infection."
"Roger…"
He takes a deep breath and I see the tears falling. I go over to him and put my arm around him and let him cry into my shoulder. His thin body quivers as I hold him. "I'm sorry Mark, please forgive me…"
"I do Roger… I do…"
Just then the door opens. Roger's back is to the door, but he sits up quickly and wipes his eyes with his wrists. "Baby, I'm home!" I watch her stop short as she sees him sitting on the couch. "Roger."
He gets up slowly and walks over to her. His emotions are still on high gear and he barely whispers, "I'm sorry." She looks at him shocked as he stumbles into her arms. "I'm so so sorry."
"Shh… Roger, it is ok. It's ok." She holds him the best she can as he breaks down into her arms. They stay like that for a long time.
I don't know what to do. I stand up and clear my throat, "Uh, I'll let you guys be alone for a while."
"Mark, sweetie, you don't have to." Mimi looks up at me with sadness in her eyes.
"No, no, you two should talk." I grab my coat and walk towards the door. "I'll be back in a little while."
I walk out and as I'm about to leave the building I hear Mimi call my name. She runs down the stairs after me. "Does he know?"
"Know what?" I ask naively.
"About us?"
"Us? Is there an us?"
"Mark, don't start. Did you tell him that you love me?" She asks me the question like it is a sin. I simply shake my head once. "Good." She looks up at the door, "He doesn't look good."
"Yeah, look, you better go talk to him."
"Mark, you know I care about you, right?" I nod silently again. "Ok, good." She squeezes my hand gently. "Why don't you come back in an hour?"
"Sure, sure, fine." I watch her bolt up the stairs and back into Roger's arms.
I don't know how long I walked around for. I know it was longer than an hour. The sun was beginning to peak over the city. I went and sat in the Life Café. Where else really? Always open, twenty-four seven. I sat at a window seat and sipped my tea. I had just enough change on my to get a never-ending cup, and even leave a twenty-five cent tip.
I slowly sipped two cups staring out the window. The only other people walking around were the ones that had no place to go. The ones who live in the shadows of the city. I found myself wondering if they loved anyone. Was there someone out there wondering where they were and if they would ever come home? Were the people they left behind able to carry on without them? Have they moved on? Were they able to stop loving them? Did the wanderers care?
After the caffeine and sugar wired me enough, and the tea warmed me, I walked back to the loft. I took the long way. I was afraid of what I would find.
But I'm here now. I took a deep breath and made myself go home. I've been standing outside the door listening, but I haven't heard anything. I quietly knock as I open the door. I keep my eyes shut worried to what I would find.
When I open them, I see Roger on one knee.
Mimi is standing, a look of shock on her face.
They turn and look at me.
"Oh, sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt." I stutter my words and stare at them. Roger is holding Mimi's hands. I wonder if he already asked or if he was getting ready too.
Mimi pulled her hands away. "Mark, it is ok. We were just…"
"Mark knows." Roger smiles as he stands up. "I told him before."
"Oh. And you are ok with it?"
I stand still. Frozen.
"Of course he is." He goes back to Mimi, "Does that mean you say yes?"
"No. I mean… Mark?" She walks towards me. "Baby, it isn't what you think."
I smile. I take a deep breath. "Congratulations."
"No! Mark." She takes my hand. "I didn't say yes."
"Baby?" Roger interrupts. "That's the second time I've heard you call him that." He steps back and looks at us and then around the room. "What is going on with you two?"
Neither of us answers him.
Our silence answers his question.
"Oh. I see." His face turns red almost instantly. "Well isn't that sweet. How long did you wait until I was out of town?"
"Roger, it wasn't like that. It just happened." Mimi pleads with him.
"What just happened? Mark just happened to betray his best friend? Or did you just happen to be the slut I always knew you were?"
"That's enough." I step towards him. "Roger, I'm sorry. I didn't betray you. You said you were never coming back!"
"If you knew me at all…" He now takes a step close to me. His face is next to mine. "If you knew me at all, you knew I would come back. I always fucking come back!" He pushes me.
I stumble back and I realize that he is right. I knew he would show up one day. I knew this day would come. "I'm sorry, Roger."
"Roger, honey, listen…" Mimi takes her turn.
"Don't Roger honey me. You disgust me. You both do."
"What happened to fixing everything that went wrong? You just told me you love me a few minutes ago." She points to where they were when he proposed.
"And you said it back!" He bellows, sending him into a coughing fit.
"Roger, sit down." I reach out and try to guide him to the couch but he pushes me away.
Mimi takes Roger's hand, and holds mine with the other. "I do love you, Roger. But I love Mark too."
We both pull are hands away at the same time.
"I don't know what to do."
"Easy. You and Mark can continue to live happily ever after. I'm out of here."
"No!" She steps in front of him. "You just got out of the hospital. You are still sick. You aren't leaving here until you are better. And until we figure things out."
"I'll leave then." I say softly. "You two deserve a chance to work things out."
"No Mark, this is your home. You are staying."
"I'm not living with him. No fucking way." Roger interjects.
"I'll go stay with Maureen and Joanne for awhile."
"You haven't even talked to them in months." She pulls me aside. "Baby, you don't have to go."
"Why haven't you ever told me?" I ask seriously.
"What?"
"That you love me?"
"I tell you every night." She says exasperated.
"Yeah but, you never say it back to me. Just, 'I know'."
"Mark, this isn't the time."
"Yeah it is. This is the perfect time. You don't really love me. You love him. You two belong together."
"No, I won't let you make this decision for me."
"Mimi, there is no decision to be made. It's over."
I walk towards the door.
"Mark, no."
I look at her and then I look at Roger. "I'm sorry."