December
I left the city for a few weeks. I visited my mother, borrowed some money from her and went to California. I figured that as a filmmaker I needed to see Hollywood first hand.
I came back to New York in two weeks.
People call New York dirty, but L.A. is the really dirty city. You can feel the corruption and desperation all around you. Hollywood changed from a tourist town to sin city with the sunset. At least in New York, what you see is what you get.
So I'm back. I even found a new place to stay. A small apartment with two roommates in Chelsea. It is ok. I'm slowly starting over. A fresh start.
I finished my film too.
Once I figured out that the film was about me, and not about Angel, or Roger, or Mimi or even AIDS it was easy. The documentary was my life and my friends, and I was the main character, even though I barely appeared on screen.
So with everything getting better in my life, I have to wonder how I ended up here, the vacant lot next to the apartment, waiting for Mimi to leave.
First I see Roger leave. He looks around casually before lighting a cigarette. I hide against the wall, hoping he doesn't notice me.
Mimi comes out a few minutes later. She is wrapped in the same coat she was wearing the night we met. She looks too looks around casually and I watch her cough. She walks away in the opposite direction.
"Mimi?" I yell across the street. She glances over her shoulder quickly and then stops and turns around.
"Mark!" She comes right over to me and wraps her thin arms around my neck. She rests her head against my chin. "Mark…" She whispers as I stroke her hair.
I nod, as our simple hug turns into a desperate embrace. The feelings I pushed away, the ones I convinced myself were gone, flood back to the surface. As I take in her scent and the feel of her tiny frame, I feel myself fall in love all over again.
But then she pulls away and hits me. "Where have you been?"
"I… I had to get away." I stutter, studying her face.
"You lied to me." She says desperately.
"What do you mean?" I step to the side as new customers enter the diner.
"You told me you would always be there for me."
"I know…"
"I needed you, Mark."
My heart breaks as I realize that I hurt her.
"You and your fucking pride. I didn't want you to go that night."
"I'm sorry, Mimi." I take her hand and pull her close to me again. "I'm so sorry."
She smiles at me and pulls me out over to the door. "I know, Baby. I know." As soon as we get inside she pulls me to her and kisses me.
I return her kiss, but pull back and look around. "What about?"
"Shh…" She shushes me and kisses me again, pushing me against the wall by the stairs. This time I don't fight her off. Her lips move away from my face and onto my cheek, my ear, and then my neck. I momentarily forget all of our problems. But when her kisses begin to get too much for me, I have to push her away.
"Mimi, no. Come on, shouldn't we, you know, talk?"
"Fine, let's go." We start walking up towards the apartment.
"What about Roger?"
She rolls her eyes. "Haven't you figured it out?" She stops and looks down at me. "I love you. Not him. I want to be with you. Now. No more waiting." She takes my hands and lifts them to her mouth and kisses them softly. "I need you, Mark. I'm not going to let you walk out of my life again. Not now."
"Am I dreaming?" I ask out loud.
"Well if you are, it has been a hell of a nightmare."
I laugh at her joke and then grow serious. "I love you, too." She smiles. "But what about Roger? It would kill him if he found out."
"Let me worry about Roger. Besides, he is working a double today. But we aren't together. We're friends. The best of friends. He still loves me, and a part of me will always love him, but we aren't right for each other. We fight all the time, have since day one. Lust can only take you so far, you know?"
"I guess." She pulls me into the apartment. I look around and Roger's things are sprawled all over, and it is apparent that someone has been sleeping on the couch. "You know, I saw him last month, right?"
She nods. "He said you were with that Theresa girl." She looks away for a second, "Are you still?"
I shake my head, "Nah, we ended it that night, in fact. I just couldn't love her the way I…"
She steps closer to me. "Yeah, I know." She reaches up and touches my face. "I didn't think I would ever see you again. I thought, that time was going to run out."
"Run out?" I stop for a second, "Roger said you were sick, what is…" She stops my question by kissing me and I quickly forget what I was saying. She reaches under my shirt and runs her fingers along my back and again starts kissing my ears and neck. Before I know it, my shirt is off and then so is hers.
We somehow made it to the bedroom. The actual lovemaking was slow and sweet and unlike anything I ever experienced before. As I lie her now holding her naked body close to my own, I find the happiness and satisfaction I have been searching for my whole life.
I knew it was too good to last.
I wake up to a feeling of cold over my body. I quickly notice that Mimi is no longer next to me, and the bedroom door is open. I sit up and hear her coughs muffled from the other room. I quickly put my pants on and rub my arms for heat, and walk towards the bathroom. I stand next to the door and listen to her hack away.
"Mimi? You ok?"
She responds by coughing. I try the door, but it is locked. "Mimi, let me in."
"I'm fine," cough, "Don't" cough, "Worry."
"I'm worried. Please Baby, let me in." I let my fear come through my voice and I hear her approach the door and open it. She is soaked with sweat and much paler than usual. "Mimi, what's wrong?" She just shakes her head and continues coughing. I reach out to her and can tell instantly she has a fever. "I'm calling the hospital."
"No!" She yells between coughs. "This happens all the time. It will pass."
"Fuck that. You need to see a doctor."
I leave the bathroom and pick up the phone. I dial 911 and ask them to send an ambulance over. I go back to Mimi and help her out of the bathroom. "Roger…" She spats out "Leave a note for him."
I sit her down and do as I'm told.
A few hours later, Mimi is hooked up to machines and half awake. They gave her something to break the fever, but the coughs are still steady and fast. Apparently, this isn't the first time this month she has visited the hospital. Most of the nurses know her, and are surprised to see me with her and not Roger. In fact, they all ask where Roger is and how is he doing.
I sit next to her bed and hold her hand. She has her eyes closed and the only sound in the room is the light buzz of one of the monitors she is hooked up to. I look at the clock on the wall, only nine. Roger doesn't even get off of work for five more hours. Five more hours of Mimi belonging only to me.
"I love you." I stroke her hand, "I think I always have."
She turns her lips up the best she can. "I know." She chokes out.
"Shh… don't talk, just listen." She closes her eyes and nods. "I finally finished my film, you know. I can't believe it. I don't know what I'm going to do with myself anymore. I can't wait for you to see it."
"Mark…"
"Shh…"
"No, Mark. You have to face the facts. I'm dying. I don't have too much time left." She clearly says.
I look away from her, squeezing the tears from my eyes. "No…"
"Baby, I've been on borrowed time for years. It's ok. I'm ready." She weakly clutches my hand, "Everything I ever wanted I've had."
"No, Mimi. Just stop."
"Shh…" Now she is shushing me. With all my power I battle my tears, but I am defenseless.
"Why didn't I come back sooner? If I had know that you…"
"Don't. You know now." She turns to me. "Just hold me, ok?"
I nod and climb into the bed next to her. I carefully wrap my arms around her small frame. She rubs my back and comforts me until we both fall asleep.
A nurse comes in and awakens me. She tells me I have to leave the room, that visiting hours were long over. I argue and fight with her, and she tells me I'm just as stubborn as the other guy. She agrees to let me stay, but I have to stay in the chair.
Mimi barely sleeps, either her own coughing fits waking her up fiercely, or her roommates coughing. I hold her hand and get her water and comfort her the best I know how.
"I just want to see if she is ok!" The familiar voice echoes through the silenced halls. Roger's here. I take a deep breath and leave Mimi, who is temporarily asleep. He sees me in the doorway.
"What are you doing here?"
"Hi Roger."
"Get out of my way, I need to see her."
"She's sleeping, Roger. Let her sleep."
"Don't you fucking tell me what to do."
The nurse stands between us. "Fine, one at a time."
Roger pushes me out of the way and goes in. The nurse sheepishly shrugs at me. I take a deep breath and sit down.
I flip through a magazine, not even looking at the pages I turn. My mind races as I finally get a chance to digest what happened today. How happy I was, and how scared I feel now. She seemed so certain when she told me she was dying. It was like she knew it was going to be sooner than later.
And the fact was, it was true. She's dying in there. Obviously, she has been this close too many times. Somehow, this morning, I knew. That is why I had to see her. I knew her time was running out.
"Ahem." Roger clears his throat as he stands over me. "She wants to talk to you."
I quickly stand up. "Is she?"
He silently nods. He knows what I was going to ask, "I think so."
I walk into the room and over to the far side of her bed. Roger follows me in and stands on the other. I take Mimi's left hand and he takes her right. "Mimi…"
"Shh..." Her voice is soft and slow. "I love you."
"I love you too." I whisper.
"I love you too." Roger whispers.
He and I look up at each other. Mimi takes each of our hands and lifts them to make them take each other over her bed. "I love you both. And you love each other. You need to forgive each other. After I'm gone, it won't matter who loved who anymore." She starts coughing.
At the same time we drop our hands from each other. "Mimi, don't talk." Roger pleads. "We'll do anything you want. I promise"
"Be there for each other." She says simply. She lets out one more cough and closes her eyes. I know immediately that has died. All the life in her face has drained.
"No." I stand there, taking her hand into mine. "No, Mimi. Wake up. Please." I look up at Roger and he just shakes his head, tears falling from him eyes. "Mimi, please."
"Mark. Stop it. She's dead."
The doctors then rush in and push Roger and me out of the way. A quick run of her vitals and they pronounce her dead. So simple and easy. The body that lies there still was once so full of life. She hardly had begun to live.
Roger storms out of the room. I follow him. "Roger, we should…"
"No. Just stay out of my life, Mark."
"But you just promised her."
"I told her what she wanted to hear." He turns and looks back at me. "Look, take care of yourself, ok?"
I nod and watch him run down the hallway. For all I know he is going to drink, or shoot up, or hurt himself some other way. But I just stand there. I don't have the energy to go after him, to take care of him. I don't know how to take care of myself anymore.
I left the city for a few weeks. I visited my mother, borrowed some money from her and went to California. I figured that as a filmmaker I needed to see Hollywood first hand.
I came back to New York in two weeks.
People call New York dirty, but L.A. is the really dirty city. You can feel the corruption and desperation all around you. Hollywood changed from a tourist town to sin city with the sunset. At least in New York, what you see is what you get.
So I'm back. I even found a new place to stay. A small apartment with two roommates in Chelsea. It is ok. I'm slowly starting over. A fresh start.
I finished my film too.
Once I figured out that the film was about me, and not about Angel, or Roger, or Mimi or even AIDS it was easy. The documentary was my life and my friends, and I was the main character, even though I barely appeared on screen.
So with everything getting better in my life, I have to wonder how I ended up here, the vacant lot next to the apartment, waiting for Mimi to leave.
First I see Roger leave. He looks around casually before lighting a cigarette. I hide against the wall, hoping he doesn't notice me.
Mimi comes out a few minutes later. She is wrapped in the same coat she was wearing the night we met. She looks too looks around casually and I watch her cough. She walks away in the opposite direction.
"Mimi?" I yell across the street. She glances over her shoulder quickly and then stops and turns around.
"Mark!" She comes right over to me and wraps her thin arms around my neck. She rests her head against my chin. "Mark…" She whispers as I stroke her hair.
I nod, as our simple hug turns into a desperate embrace. The feelings I pushed away, the ones I convinced myself were gone, flood back to the surface. As I take in her scent and the feel of her tiny frame, I feel myself fall in love all over again.
But then she pulls away and hits me. "Where have you been?"
"I… I had to get away." I stutter, studying her face.
"You lied to me." She says desperately.
"What do you mean?" I step to the side as new customers enter the diner.
"You told me you would always be there for me."
"I know…"
"I needed you, Mark."
My heart breaks as I realize that I hurt her.
"You and your fucking pride. I didn't want you to go that night."
"I'm sorry, Mimi." I take her hand and pull her close to me again. "I'm so sorry."
She smiles at me and pulls me out over to the door. "I know, Baby. I know." As soon as we get inside she pulls me to her and kisses me.
I return her kiss, but pull back and look around. "What about?"
"Shh…" She shushes me and kisses me again, pushing me against the wall by the stairs. This time I don't fight her off. Her lips move away from my face and onto my cheek, my ear, and then my neck. I momentarily forget all of our problems. But when her kisses begin to get too much for me, I have to push her away.
"Mimi, no. Come on, shouldn't we, you know, talk?"
"Fine, let's go." We start walking up towards the apartment.
"What about Roger?"
She rolls her eyes. "Haven't you figured it out?" She stops and looks down at me. "I love you. Not him. I want to be with you. Now. No more waiting." She takes my hands and lifts them to her mouth and kisses them softly. "I need you, Mark. I'm not going to let you walk out of my life again. Not now."
"Am I dreaming?" I ask out loud.
"Well if you are, it has been a hell of a nightmare."
I laugh at her joke and then grow serious. "I love you, too." She smiles. "But what about Roger? It would kill him if he found out."
"Let me worry about Roger. Besides, he is working a double today. But we aren't together. We're friends. The best of friends. He still loves me, and a part of me will always love him, but we aren't right for each other. We fight all the time, have since day one. Lust can only take you so far, you know?"
"I guess." She pulls me into the apartment. I look around and Roger's things are sprawled all over, and it is apparent that someone has been sleeping on the couch. "You know, I saw him last month, right?"
She nods. "He said you were with that Theresa girl." She looks away for a second, "Are you still?"
I shake my head, "Nah, we ended it that night, in fact. I just couldn't love her the way I…"
She steps closer to me. "Yeah, I know." She reaches up and touches my face. "I didn't think I would ever see you again. I thought, that time was going to run out."
"Run out?" I stop for a second, "Roger said you were sick, what is…" She stops my question by kissing me and I quickly forget what I was saying. She reaches under my shirt and runs her fingers along my back and again starts kissing my ears and neck. Before I know it, my shirt is off and then so is hers.
We somehow made it to the bedroom. The actual lovemaking was slow and sweet and unlike anything I ever experienced before. As I lie her now holding her naked body close to my own, I find the happiness and satisfaction I have been searching for my whole life.
I knew it was too good to last.
I wake up to a feeling of cold over my body. I quickly notice that Mimi is no longer next to me, and the bedroom door is open. I sit up and hear her coughs muffled from the other room. I quickly put my pants on and rub my arms for heat, and walk towards the bathroom. I stand next to the door and listen to her hack away.
"Mimi? You ok?"
She responds by coughing. I try the door, but it is locked. "Mimi, let me in."
"I'm fine," cough, "Don't" cough, "Worry."
"I'm worried. Please Baby, let me in." I let my fear come through my voice and I hear her approach the door and open it. She is soaked with sweat and much paler than usual. "Mimi, what's wrong?" She just shakes her head and continues coughing. I reach out to her and can tell instantly she has a fever. "I'm calling the hospital."
"No!" She yells between coughs. "This happens all the time. It will pass."
"Fuck that. You need to see a doctor."
I leave the bathroom and pick up the phone. I dial 911 and ask them to send an ambulance over. I go back to Mimi and help her out of the bathroom. "Roger…" She spats out "Leave a note for him."
I sit her down and do as I'm told.
A few hours later, Mimi is hooked up to machines and half awake. They gave her something to break the fever, but the coughs are still steady and fast. Apparently, this isn't the first time this month she has visited the hospital. Most of the nurses know her, and are surprised to see me with her and not Roger. In fact, they all ask where Roger is and how is he doing.
I sit next to her bed and hold her hand. She has her eyes closed and the only sound in the room is the light buzz of one of the monitors she is hooked up to. I look at the clock on the wall, only nine. Roger doesn't even get off of work for five more hours. Five more hours of Mimi belonging only to me.
"I love you." I stroke her hand, "I think I always have."
She turns her lips up the best she can. "I know." She chokes out.
"Shh… don't talk, just listen." She closes her eyes and nods. "I finally finished my film, you know. I can't believe it. I don't know what I'm going to do with myself anymore. I can't wait for you to see it."
"Mark…"
"Shh…"
"No, Mark. You have to face the facts. I'm dying. I don't have too much time left." She clearly says.
I look away from her, squeezing the tears from my eyes. "No…"
"Baby, I've been on borrowed time for years. It's ok. I'm ready." She weakly clutches my hand, "Everything I ever wanted I've had."
"No, Mimi. Just stop."
"Shh…" Now she is shushing me. With all my power I battle my tears, but I am defenseless.
"Why didn't I come back sooner? If I had know that you…"
"Don't. You know now." She turns to me. "Just hold me, ok?"
I nod and climb into the bed next to her. I carefully wrap my arms around her small frame. She rubs my back and comforts me until we both fall asleep.
A nurse comes in and awakens me. She tells me I have to leave the room, that visiting hours were long over. I argue and fight with her, and she tells me I'm just as stubborn as the other guy. She agrees to let me stay, but I have to stay in the chair.
Mimi barely sleeps, either her own coughing fits waking her up fiercely, or her roommates coughing. I hold her hand and get her water and comfort her the best I know how.
"I just want to see if she is ok!" The familiar voice echoes through the silenced halls. Roger's here. I take a deep breath and leave Mimi, who is temporarily asleep. He sees me in the doorway.
"What are you doing here?"
"Hi Roger."
"Get out of my way, I need to see her."
"She's sleeping, Roger. Let her sleep."
"Don't you fucking tell me what to do."
The nurse stands between us. "Fine, one at a time."
Roger pushes me out of the way and goes in. The nurse sheepishly shrugs at me. I take a deep breath and sit down.
I flip through a magazine, not even looking at the pages I turn. My mind races as I finally get a chance to digest what happened today. How happy I was, and how scared I feel now. She seemed so certain when she told me she was dying. It was like she knew it was going to be sooner than later.
And the fact was, it was true. She's dying in there. Obviously, she has been this close too many times. Somehow, this morning, I knew. That is why I had to see her. I knew her time was running out.
"Ahem." Roger clears his throat as he stands over me. "She wants to talk to you."
I quickly stand up. "Is she?"
He silently nods. He knows what I was going to ask, "I think so."
I walk into the room and over to the far side of her bed. Roger follows me in and stands on the other. I take Mimi's left hand and he takes her right. "Mimi…"
"Shh..." Her voice is soft and slow. "I love you."
"I love you too." I whisper.
"I love you too." Roger whispers.
He and I look up at each other. Mimi takes each of our hands and lifts them to make them take each other over her bed. "I love you both. And you love each other. You need to forgive each other. After I'm gone, it won't matter who loved who anymore." She starts coughing.
At the same time we drop our hands from each other. "Mimi, don't talk." Roger pleads. "We'll do anything you want. I promise"
"Be there for each other." She says simply. She lets out one more cough and closes her eyes. I know immediately that has died. All the life in her face has drained.
"No." I stand there, taking her hand into mine. "No, Mimi. Wake up. Please." I look up at Roger and he just shakes his head, tears falling from him eyes. "Mimi, please."
"Mark. Stop it. She's dead."
The doctors then rush in and push Roger and me out of the way. A quick run of her vitals and they pronounce her dead. So simple and easy. The body that lies there still was once so full of life. She hardly had begun to live.
Roger storms out of the room. I follow him. "Roger, we should…"
"No. Just stay out of my life, Mark."
"But you just promised her."
"I told her what she wanted to hear." He turns and looks back at me. "Look, take care of yourself, ok?"
I nod and watch him run down the hallway. For all I know he is going to drink, or shoot up, or hurt himself some other way. But I just stand there. I don't have the energy to go after him, to take care of him. I don't know how to take care of myself anymore.