Title: Confessions

Author: Joy

Email: SleepingBeauty2@ziplip.com

Angel looked at the younger vampire and rose to his feet. Lorn stood outside Angel's bedroom door. "You don't want to go in there," he said simply. "I've read her… give her time."

"I can't," Angel said firmly. "If I give her time to stew, she's going to believe things that aren't true."

Angel put his hand on the doorknob only to find it locked so the he forced it. He opened the door in time to see Cordelia's dark hair swing into the bathroom. He heard the click of bathroom lock as well. Shutting the door to his bedroom he decided not to push Cordelia into a face-to-face confrontation if she didn't want one. He also didn't feel like begging in front of an audience.

Angel moved to the door-jam of the bathroom and sank down on the floor beside it. He lightly stroked the door with his fingertips. "I could try to blame this on Angelus but I know you won't believe that… I could say it was instinct on a base level…but that won't make this better either." He kicked the doorframe.

Cordelia sat on the toilet lid holding the baby listening to Angel through the door. It was a safe distance. She didn't have to see him. He could just grovel on the other side, away from her. When Cordy heard him kick the doorframe she knew he was upset. She was about to tell him off when he continued.

"Cordy…I love you… I don't know if you'll ever believe that after what just happened, but…" Angel racked his hand through his hair. "It's so stupid… but that had nothing to do with Buffy. That was Alpha male crap. For Spike to have claimed a woman that had been my lover and I had bitten, it was a blow to my authority as his Sire… It has nothing to do with love or romance, just ego and dominance. I'm sorry…I'm so sorry…" He stared at the door. "Please let me know you're at least listening."

"I hear you," she muttered softly looking at Connor lovingly.

Angel laid his hand against the wood of the door. "I was sure that this time I wasn't coming back. I was never going to get to know Connor. I wasn't ever gonna know what it would be like to have you really love me… I feels like I've been gone so long," he started blinking sleepily. "What did you guys give me? I'm just barely awake trying to have the most important conversation of my life," he muttered, leaning his head against the door.

Cordelia opened the door to the bathroom, causing the very drugged vampire to nearly fall on his face. She chuckled then sobered. "So it's not that deep down you wish you had claimed Buffy yourself?" she asked with cautious eyes trained on Angel.

He blinked very slowly for a moment. "You were the first thing I saw… and that was how it should have been. If Buffy had been holding me, I would have been so confused." Angel was fighting the drugs with everything that he had, the demon and adrenaline having faded. "I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry if you feel humiliated…I never meant… As soon as I saw you holding Conner all the crap that was going on in my head about being dominate got pushed down…"

Angel knew he was up for confession so he pushed on, "I envy Spike…not for being with Buffy but for the way he flows with his demon. The fact it's just an echo of him that still manages to let his humanity shines through even without a soul. I'm never comfortable in my own skin or with my demon because I know what he's capable of without my soul to reign him in… Spike just getting to be married and love passionately…I can't do that and it kills me."

Cordelia looked at him and kissed his cheek. "You don't know yet," she said with a smile. She laid the little sleeping baby in his bassinet. Cordelia stood and extended a hand to Angel. He let her pull him up and over to the bed.

She sat him down and then laid him back against the comfortable bed. Cordelia slid up next to him. "What are you doing?" he asked raggedly as she peppered his neck with kisses.

"I'm making love to you very slowly and maybe not even all at once," she whispered as she laid her body atop of Angel's.

Cordy nipped at his ear causing a sleepy appendage to jump to attention. "Cordelia…we can't…you know that," he gasped as she did wonderful things to his ear and he ran his hands over her back and shoulders kissing her neck as he went.

"Actually," she said kissing his lips softly then more deeply, "we can."

Angel hardened very quickly. "Cordy," he said between kisses, "don't tease me. I can't take it." Feeling her body writhe against his only served to make him grabbier.

"They didn't curse you Angel…No happiness clause," she punctuated by nipping more forcefully at his neck. When he groaned she knew she had him. Cordelia looked down into his face. "You have a sleeping beauty clause… You kiss Spike; you fall asleep… Only my kiss can wake you up."

Angel started to laugh, "Kiss Spike?"

"We picked something amazingly unlikely to happen," she smiled down at him.

"So we really could…" he whispered brushing her hair away from her neck.

"We could finish what we started last night," Cordy said with a kiss.

"Or for me months ago," Angel said sadly.

Cordelia rubbed her nose to his, "With one major exception… I know I love you. Seeing your body and it not be you, hit me hard. You might never come back and I never would have told you I loved you. I woke up crying at the thought… I love you."

Angel leaned up and captured her lips. "I love you too," he said as their lips parted. "I'm not in love with your sweetness or goodness or light. I'm in love with you as a person not as a concept."

"Guess you did some thinking in the Ether, huh?" she whispered.

"That's all I could do… but its not like you're really conscious there. I just knew somehow," he answered as quietly. They stared at each other for a moment longer. "Maybe we should go back out there, before they decide we need to be checked on?"

Cordy nodded, leaning off of Angel's chest, who sat up as well. "I guess we'll have to go to the sound proof roof on this floor. You haven't had sex in four years… Wait I guess that's not true," she said with a frown.

Her brought her face around to look at him. "I've messed up a lot…and I've done awful things. If anyone should be worried it's me. I'm the one that's tainted."

"Angel," she sighed sympathetically.

"No… It has been four years…" Angel said and then felt guilty. He would have to tell her about the day that never was, "I think I need to tell you something that no one else knows…so this will be between us." Cordelia nodded. "You remember that day Buffy came to visit not long after we both moved here?" Cordy considered him for a second.

Angel stood up and began to pace. "There was that demon in my office that I killed by hitting the crystal in its head… Okay the deal is that demons blood has regenerative powers." He swallowed. "That day happened twice. The first time I didn't know how to kill it and I only injured it. Our blood mixed and it regenerated me…I was human. Buffy was here and we…celebrated," he said slowly. Cordelia just looked at him with big eyes. "Nothing happened…No Angelus or anything but I knew I'd want to protect Buffy and as a human I couldn't so I went to the oracles and asked them to turn back time so Buffy wouldn't remember and I could continue on my mission… She doesn't know…but I do."

Cordelia looked him over a bit, "Why do I know?"

"I didn't want to lie and say it was four years since I had made love to a woman I loved… That experience hurt like hell, tore me up inside, but it also showed me completely we weren't supposed to be together… I want you to know that," he said with confidence.

Cordy got to her feet and stood in front of Angel, "You could have told me." He just looked at her with puppy dog eyes. "It's okay… We're okay… Just hold me close for a little while before we head out to the firing squad."

Angel smirked then enveloped Cordelia into his arms. He stroked her hair from behind and breathed in her scent. "I feel like I've wanted to be holding you like this for years."

Cordy smirked, "Might have been. Before we got Spike reanimated he was in the Nothing for months. You were out a lot longer."

"You want to fill me in on what I missed?"

She just laughed, "No…I'm so going to let Spike do the honors. But man if you respond badly again, you're not getting any tonight."

"What could possibly have happened that I would react like that too? He can't get her pregnant," Angel scoffed. Cordy raised an eyebrow. "What?"

"You fathered Connor," she said simply.

"Yeah but that was a prophecy," he replied. She just smirked at him. "You're telling me there is a prophecy that Spike will get Buffy pregnant?"

"No…"

"Good…"

"I'm telling you there is a prophecy that 'the seventh of seven' aka Spike will father a dhampire slayer," Cordelia replied.

Angel just blinked rapidly, "It's got to be the drugs because I swear you just said Spike's going to be the daddy of a slayer."

"I did."

"Bloody Hell!" the words spilled out of Angel's mouth much to his shock.

Cordelia cracked up. "Can't swear on your own, there killer?"

"Hey…Ego still bruised," the souled one confessed.

"We'll have Wesley explain the intricacies of this to all of us. Besides I'm sure Buffy and Spike are just waiting for us to return so it can be a big family pow-wow when Spike gets the soul of William back," Cordy answered.

"Oh yeah… Spike will really want me there," Angel scoffed.

She looked at him softly, "Who better to be there for him then you and Buffy? Lets get going. I want see Wolf and Dawn fly again."

TBC…