Kiss Away the Pain Chapter 2: Part 2, a silverhawks fanfic

"'Morning, Katie," Will said cheerfully, passing his secretary.

"Good morning, Will. Dr. Lonergan wants a moment when you're free."

He set his briefcase on the desk and opened it, taking out some files and envelopes. "Call him and let him know I'm on my way."

Within five minutes, he was outside the office of Dr. Franklin Lonergan, Head of Experimental Medicine at Phoenix Medical.

"He's expecting me," Will told the doctor's receptionist.

"Yes. Go right in, Mr. Hart. He's waiting."

Will entered the plush corner office. "Morning, Dr. L."

"Will, come on in. Great news. We got the contract from the New Haven Military to provide them with Sentroid-model dogs. Quite a coup for you since you brought us the technology. You're gaining clout fast, Will. Right now, you could ask for anything you want and get it. Got your laundry list handy?"

Will sat where the doctor indicated. "There is something I'd like to try Dr. L. That's partly why I came by this morning. Carolyn Stargazer of NexTech sent me this." He handed over the Argentium rod.

Lonergan whistled. "NexTech, huh? Is this what I think it is?"

"Better, probably. Carolyn's the mother of a close friend of mine. That's Argentium IV. The UESC doesn't even have any yet."

"Why not?"

Will shrugged. "She never intended it for military applications. She knew I left the military and came to work here. So she sent it along. Thought I might have a use for it."

"What do you want to do Will? Say the word, and I can make it happen."

"I have a patient in mind. I want to use Argentium IV and the transceiver that goes with it to fashion her a new endoskeletal support system."

Lonergan nodded. "Whatever you need, you have it. Her Grace did me a huge favor pointing me in your direction. I'm glad to pass the favor along to you now. Who's the patient?"

"The Duchess of Huntington."

Lonergan blinked. "Will, I'm 100% behind the theory you're talking about here. But the Duchess is such a high-profile patient. What if we try it on someone a little further from the public eye, just to make sure it works?"

"I've already talked to her about it. And we'll have a back up plan in place, just in case something goes wrong."

"Will, this is serious business. The Duchess is our major benefactor. If we couldn't provide as promised..."

Will shrugged. "Talk to her yourself. I think you'll find yourself agreeing with me on this one. She has to be the first patient. And the press it brings will make the other money men sit up and take notice."

"You know that's never been a factor here, Will."

"I know. But the rest of the universe runs on who's got what. And we have to at least pretend to play the game to get along."

Lonergan thought a moment. "Okay. Show me what's you've got."

Will set a folder on the table between them. "This isn't tailored to Zan's--to the Duchess's injuries yet. I was just working with a simple spinal fracture with nerve damage."

Lonergan laughed. "There's nothing simple about a spinal fracture, Will."

"From a cybernetic viewpoint, there it. It's just one replacement. The Duchess suffered multiple severe fractures and crushing injuries." He looked down at the paper, picturing Zan there instead of the generic human outline, and tried not to tense. "I'm thinking of a combination of replacements and supports." He quickly sketched inside a blank outline. "A new spinal system from the high break down, and pelvic bone, complete with hip sockets and replacement balls on the femurs. Maybe a whole new left femur. Definitely a new left knee. And reinforcement over all the old breaks in the tib-fib and ribs."

Lonergan stared at the sketch, seeing the surgery involved. "You're going to lay her open and put everything back together again?"

"I can't do it myself. I need a surgeon. The absolute best you can find, who's willing to try something way off the charted course. We'll sit down, the whole surgical team, the Duchess, and the two of us, and lay out every step. Every cut, every needle, every screw and pin. It has to be perfect the first time."

"And you think this will work?" Lonergan asked, staring Will straight in the eyes.

"I know it will."

Lonergan waited a moment, then closed the folder, and Will slumped. It was too much, too far to reach, too big for anyone else to see...

"Assemble your team. Let me know when you need me to pull strings or get you new candidates or anything. Don't be afraid to try a dozen doctors in the role as lead surgeon. We're going to do this, Will, and EVERYONE will know it." He stood and moved over to his desk, pressing the intercom button. "Charlotte, call Records. Have them pull
everything on the Duchess of Huntington and send it to Mr. Hart's office. The sooner the better. And call the UESC as well. Find out what we have to do to get her medical records from them as well."

"Aurora Landon will help with the UESC records," Will said. "I can ask her myself."

Lonergan nodded. "Fine. Charlotte, never mind the UESC. But see what you can do to get every medical record for her you can. I want a complete medical history. Every vaccination, every flu. I want to know how many head colds she had when she was six. Are you with me?"

"Right on it, sir. Everything directly to Mr. Hart?"

"Every scrap. The sooner the better."

"Very well." The intercom clicked off, and Lonergan looked at Will. "You have a big project to work on, son. Better get started."

Will leaned back in his chair, staring out the window as the call made its way to Earth. There was a distant ringing, and finally, a receptionist picked it up.

"SL Industries, Aurora Landon's office. Good morning and how may I help you?"

"Aurora Landon, please. It's Will Hart calling."

"Just a moment, Mr. Hart. I'll see if she's free. May I put you on hold?"

"Sure."

"Thank you. Just one moment please."

There was a click, and hold music filled the line. Will shook his head. Even with money and connections, Aurora still had awful hold music. Fortunately, the wait was short.

"Mr. Hart? Thank you for holding. I'll put you through now." Before he could thank her, there was another click, and the line was ringing, then picked up.

"Will? How good of you to call."

He puzzled over her comment for a moment, then glanced down at his deck calendar. February 9. Oh, damn.

"Uh. Heh-heh. The truth is, I just now realized what day it is. But Happy Birthday, anyway."

"Well, it's a surprise for both of us, then. How are you doing out there at the far end of nothing?"

"Pretty well, to be honest. The Sentroid project went over big, so I'm more or less running the Cybernetics Division at Phoenix."

"I'll pass that on to Krys. She'll be so pleased that he was of use to you." She was silent a moment. "You know Emily moved, right? None of us can keep up with her."

Will closed his eyes and sighed. "I know. I'm just not ready to talk to her yet. Or about her, either."

"Well, you know my number when you are. So what can I have the pleasure of doing for you today?"

"I need a favor, and it's kind of involved."

"I'm not really busy. Scheduled myself a light day with a long lunch as a present. What do you need?"

"Do you know your mother sent me a sample of Argentium IV?"

"No, but I know she planned to. She must have finished it over Christmas. The General Council has been making noises about asking me to ask for a sample. I keep pointing out that NexTech is an independent company and can do what they want with their product. What about it?"

"I'm planning a trial. Internal structure replacement."

She whistled. "That's big, Will. Really big. Nobel-prize-winning big."

"I don't care about that. The test subject has been selected, and she has some medical records with the UESC. I don't need service records, just pre-injury medical stuff. That's not classified, right?"

Aurora scribbled down a note. "I don't think it is. Why? Trying to keep me out of your business?" she laughed.

"No. I just know how much you carp every time you have to leave home. Can you get them for me?"

"Sure. One way or another. What's the name and unit?"

"Zannatasia Izzabella Vernadeua. Wild Hunt Squadron, IPF-8. Huh," he said, mostly to himself. "That's Jon's old unit."

Aurora felt herself freeze, then continued carefully. "It is, at that. Interesting. So what's your fax number? I'll call someone I know in Records, and if that doesn't work, I'll go down myself."

He gave it to her. "Thanks, Aurora. I really appreciate it."

"Not a problem. Good luck." She was gone.

"Yeah. I'm gonna need it." He leaned his elbows on the desk and stared down at the calendar. February 9. His friend's birthday, and he'd forgotten. More importantly, it was the day Mon*Star had escaped. It had been news, even on Earth, and when the call went out the next day for volunteers, he and Emily had exchanged one look, then moved in unison to their CO's office. Now this day had another meaning, the day he started to put Zan's life back together, and his own. He flipped the calendar forward a few months, and put his finger down. Five months. By July 9, this project would be ready to go, come Hell or high water.

There was a knock at the door, and he looked up. "Come in."

Katie entered, pushing a rolling cart before her, piled high with folders. "The files from Records are here. Charlotte is checking on school heath records, but we may need Her Grace to sign a release."

"I'll get it if we need it. Call down to the cafeteria and have them deliver lunch up here for us. We're working through. And see if they'll send me dinner as well. I'll be here late."

"Do you need me to stay late as well?"

"No. You go home as usual and get a good night's rest. I'll have a list a mile long for you tomorrow of people I want contacted, so you'll be on the phone all day."

She made a note. "Okay. What do you want for lunch?"

"Salad and whatever the sandwich of the day is, and regular coffee delivery. And call Dr. Lonergan. I want the best surgical suite he can get for July 9. Got all that?"

"Salad and sandwich x2, coffee all day, and a surgical suite on 9 July."

"The best suite, with an observation room."

She adjusted her notes. "Got it. I'll be back in a few."

"All right. I have some reading to catch up on." He picked up the first folder and opened it, starting to read the cramped handwriting.

At 5:30, Katie stuck her head in the door to say she was leaving, and Will gave her a wave of dismissal. She had held up well at first, but as the list of specific injuries grew, her eyes started to water, and it didn't take an empath to see that she was struggling not to burst into tears. To save her dignity and his own, he sent her off on a make-work errand, then set her to work compiling the list of doctors he needed to contact at her own desk. He'd deal with what was starting to look like a ruin on his own.

A few minutes after she left for the evening, Will's fax machine rang once, then began to spit out pages one after another. He picked up the first and read it.

Dear Will,

Got a line on the info you asked for, and had it faxed straight to me. Thought it would be better if it went to an officer first, just in case. Hope these help. Good luck, and feel free to call if you need anything.

Much love,

ASL

PS I may get older, but I refuse to grow up. J/K

Will flipped through the pages as they came in. Four years worth of medical history made a large pile, and he organized them by year, sorting out regular physicals, training injury records, psych evaluations. At the end, there was another note.

Couldn't get any film over the fax line. Will make other arrangements.

XOXO

He looked through the papers and sighed. The pieces of information he'd been most interested in, X-rays and CT scans, were not included. There were written notes referring to them, so the records at least existed, but for the moment, he had no better visuals than what he could imagine or draw for himself. The already long night was looking even longer.

It took several knocks at the locked but lit door before Zan received any answer. "In." Will's voice was abrupt, like he'd been startled out of something.

"I brought you coffee," she said, holding up a thermos.

Will stood by the side of his desk, leaning over it as he scribbled something on a sheet of paper. As she looked around, Zan realized that there were quite a few pieces of paper, on the desk, the chairs, stuck to the walls, and the giant whiteboard was literally crawling with calculations that seemed several orders of degrees beyond algebra. "You said you'd be back a little after ten," she continued. "I started to wonder."

Will looked at the clock with a puzzled expression, as if uncertain where the hours between 9 PM and 1 AM had gone. "Huh." He looked over to her. "What size shoe did you wear before?"

"Shoe size?"

"Yeah. I don't have the CT scans from Earth yet, but I can estimate from shoe size what it should be now..."

"Will, what are you talking about?"

He clearly wasn't listening to her, only hearing some technical gibberish in his own head. "Wait, never mind. I'll just measure your arm, because the foot is in ratio to the forearm, and I can get a length for the bone from there and figure what the femur and the tib-fib are...." He pushed aside more papers covered with calculations.

"Unless you broke your forearms," he continued. "Did you break your forearm?"

"Uh, Will? What are you talking about?.. Err.. right forearm when I punched one of the new Hawks in a bar fight back in Limbo... just before the trial between Jon and Mike and Krys...Why?"

He was muttering to himself again. "The measurements may be a little off from right to left, but I can make the adjustments in the knee anyway...Mostly cartilage...have to find some kindof replacement... That's fine, since it's the left I'm worried about now... compound break or hairline fracture, because if it was just a facture, the length won't be affected as badly..." Whatever he was working on that involved her shoe size, it was occupying his entire mind.

Or maybe there was a part of his mind she could still reach. She walked around behind him and blew gently in his ear. "Earth to Will Hart, come in Will Hart"

He whirled around, nearly hitting her. "Oh, sorry," he muttered. He reached for a ruler and measured her left arm, then turned back to work some figures, muttering about numbers under his breath. "Just....a....minute.....Got it!" He turned and lifted her up, swinging her around and around in the cluttered office. "It's going to work. It's going to work!"

She yelped in surprise. "Mind telling me what's going on?" she asked, wrapping her arms around his shoulder.

"You are going on. Lonergan gave me the green light. Anything and everything, and I got the numbers I needed from Earth. All I need now are the raw materials and the people to do the job. And the game plan, with every play, every player, in black and white." He let her down gently but didn't release her.

Her surprise turned into a broad grin. "Yes!" She grabbed his head and pulled it down, kissing him. There was nothing innocent or chaste in her kiss.

Somehow moving as a unit, they managed to tumble onto the sofa rather than the floor, and it became a tangle of hands searching for bits of skin to touch. Moans and harsh pants for breath filled the air. Zan wiggled from one side until she was straddling his lap and worked free several of his shirt buttons, her cool hands slipping in against his chest. He had pulled up the back of her shirt an was running his hands across her shoulder blades.

The rattle of a janitor's cart just outside the office made them pull part, panting harshly.

"We should go," Will said, retrieving his hands from inside her clothing.

She stood up abruptly. "Yeah. I guess so." She shrugged back into her coat. "My horse is waiting, anyway."

He slid a hand behind her neck and stared deep into her eyes. "It's going to work. I'll see you back at the palace. Be careful." He kissed her forehead and watched as she left.

"I will," she said, and was gone.

By the time he made it home, everyone but the guards on duty and a few servants were asleep, Including Zan. He was tired but elated at the same time. When he arrived at his room, he changed out of his clothes and crawled into the bed. He had debated getting a shower but decided to skip it in favor of sleep. As he was falling asleep, his mind re-played out events of a few hours earlier.

As he slept, somehow, that event got taken further when his imagination took over.

He felt her shiver under his hands as he worked his way across her shoulder blades and down her back. He heard her small gasp as he slowly slid them around her sides then up to cup her breast under the material of her shirt. His thumbs caressed her hardening nipples.

She pressed in for another kiss, lips parted slightly as she did so. She felt his lips part in response as she slid the tip of her tongue across them. Capturing his bottom lip she sucked it gently, letting her teeth scrape the soft tissue. He groaned in response.

Hands sliding across kin, the ridges of the scars only enhancing the sensation. Fingers finding buttons to part the cloth that hid the skin below. A soft groan of pleasure, whether his or hers it no longer mattered, as her hips rocked against his. She could feel his arousal straining against the fabric of his pants.

"..lift your arms."

Fabric obscured her vision as she lifted her arms and he pulled her shirt off. His hands traveling across exposed skin. They fumbled a moment as the clasp of her bra tried to deny him access. With soft chuckle at his slight growl of dismay she reached back and undid it for him, turning that growl into a groan as she kissed him again.

".. lean forward some.." she mumbled into his mouth as the last button of his shirt came free. Her hands slid up and over his shoulders pushing the fabric down his arms.

He pulled first one arm then the other out of the sleeves, wrapping them about her back as he continued to lean forward. His mouth working its way down her throat to finally capture one of her breast.

She arched her back with a louder gasp of shocking pleasure as the wet heat of his mouth suckled at her breast. His tongue caressing the nipple. She threaded her hands though his hair as he switched from one to the other for what felt like forever. It was just as shocking when le let go, the cool air against damp skin.

He twisted where he sat, laying her down on the couch. His kisses traveling down her stomach. He looked up at her as she propped herself up on her elbows.

"Please Will, don't leave me hanging." She begged, face flush with desire.

"I don't want to hurt you" a sigh as he turned his head away a moment before looking back at her " never"

"You won't just do what comes natural" she assured him with a smile. "Let your instincts guide you. I trust you, Will. I. Trust. You."

He knew in his heart that she did and leaned over her to capture her lips in another kiss as his hands undid the buckle of her belt. He slid the zipper of her pants down and gently tugged.

She managed somehow to kick off her boots at the same time as she lifted her hips so that he could remove her pants. As he did he slid of the couch to kneel on the floor, his hands caressing her legs and inner thighs. Kissing his way up her leg to her inner thigh he felt her tremble under his touch. Indeed he let go of conscious thought and let his instincts take over. It wasn't long after that, that she was arching her back, panting heavily as he brought her closer to the edge of release. He took his time, teasing a frustrated growl from her. Hands working across her body, teasingly light touches that enflamed her passions. He brought her to the edge and over, savoring the feeling of her release as he kissed his way back up her body. He could feel the thundering beat of her heart as she lay there under him panting, a thin sheen of sweat covering her.

"my turn" was all she said as she gathered her strength again. This time it was him on his back and her removing his pants. After several moments of silence he lifted his head to see what she was doing. She was just sitting back on her heals staring.

"what?" a sudden sense of insecurity hit him.

" 'acres and acres and it's all mine' " a lopsided grin.

"huh?"

"punch line to joke I read."

"ohooohh!" he dropped his head back with a groan as she caressed him.

What he did for her, she was going to do for him. She kissed up his inner thigh, nuzzling against the base of his arousal. Trailing her tongue up the underside, then circling the top before she took him in her mouth. It took a moment or two before she got a steady rhythm going. When she did he was writhing in pleasure, hands digging into the couch cushions. Fingers kneading his flesh as she paused to nip gently. It wasn't long before he reached his own release.

But he wasn't spent completely yet. He reached down and gently tugged at her hand. She grinned as she slid up his body, causing him to shudder in pleasure. Once again she was straddling his lap. She felt him growing aroused again.

"my do you have a fast recovery." She said teasingly as she wrapped her arms about his neck.

"Lots of stamina." He teased back as his arms went about her waist.

"Looks like it's on to more serious business then." She returned, kissing him again.

"That wasn't serious?" his hands stroking her back.

"That was just the prelims. This is the real thing." She said reaching down to stroke him a few times. She shifted slightly as she lifted herself up.

His hands went down to her hips as she positioned him. He groaned as she lowered herself down onto him. She shivered, letting out a small mew of momentary pain. He looked at her in concern, about to offer to stop when she shook her head.

"Your not hurting me." She explained as she kissed him, easing his fear of doing just that. "it just takes a moment or two to adjust." Nuzzling into his neck. Once she felt she was ready she slowly started to rock her hips.

He was a very fast learner and soon was matching her rhythm. Somehow they again ended up stretched out on the couch, with her under him. Her legs hooked behind his thighs, fingers digging into his shoulders. Most of his weight was resting on his elbows. They spiraled higher and higher in their mutual passions. He felt the small tremors though her body as once again he brought her to the edge. This time he joined her in that journey.

She shuddered as she went over the edge, her body tightening around him sending him over also. His world went black for a moment before an explosion of light went off in his mind. Like a supernova of rioting colors before he collapsed, spent and exhausted, on top of her.

He woke with a groan, propping himself up on his elbows. His dreams had been interesting and disturbing at the same time. As he came more fully awake, he realized that there was a disturbing feeling of sticky dampness on him. He lifted the sheets and glanced down then dropped them quickly.

"no.. no no no no..this can't be happening to me." He fell back onto the bed, running a hand though his sweat tangled hair. "I'm too old for this to be going on.It's just not right." Images from the dream flashed though his mind, causing him to react as any warm blooded male would react.

With a moan of dismay he threw the sheets back and stumbled to the bathroom. Reaching blindly for the shower controls he turned them on. Stripping out of his soiled boxers, he stepped into the flow of water. He gasped at the icy coldness, but it had the desired effect. By the time his teeth were chattering and his skin was turning blue, he switched to hot water. It would not do anyone any good if he got sick.

When he got out of the shower he wrapped the towel about his waist and moved to the bathroom counter to finish his morning rituals. Wiping away the condensation from the steam off the mirror, he glanced into his face, then had to look away. He just could not face himself this morning. Part of him wanted to run to the nearest Priest and confess his sins and do the penance. Another part of him knew there was nothing sinful about what was happening. But both were in conflict with each other.

He was glad he had left a note that he was taking the day off. It was late enough as is, right now. By the time he was feeling ready enough to leave his room, it was near lunch time.

As he entered the dining room, everyone was just sitting down. He mumbled an apology for being late and sat down also.

"Don't worry about it Will. Considering how much you've been working lately, I'm surprised your even awake at the moment."

He nodded but didn't look at her.

The meal progressed, though there was little conversations between Will and anyone else. He'd tend to mumble something and concentrate on eating. Zan chalked it up to the amount of work he had been doing for the last few weeks.

As soon as he was finished he excused himself and left.

Zan had hopped he would stay around long enough she could apologize for being so forward last night. She just sighed and shook her head at his retreating back.

Looks were exchanged between Mac, Kali, and Kit. Something was going on and they were in the dark about it at the moment.

Will returned to his room, upset with himself over what went on at lunch. Though it all, every time he glanced at Zan, those images came back to his mind, creating that much more turmoil in him. He was embarrassed enough about what he dreamed last night, but to have his body react that same way while he was awake was just too much. Making sure his bedroom door was locked, he undressed and headed for the bathroom and another shower. He even made sure the bathroom door was locked after he entered it.

He ached in certain places. One that was so strange yet somehow hauntingly familiar. Instead of a cold shower though, he made it as hot as he could stand. Stepping into the flow of water, he hissed from the stinging pain, making sure the glass door was shut firmly. It didn't take long before the entire bathroom was clouded with steam. Taking himself in hand he started out slowly at first, letting the memories guide his actions.

Those memories turned to others less pleasant and more damning. Of his first experience doing what he was doing now. Of his 'looking in' on his sister as she experienced sex for the first time and being caught pleasuring himself. Memories of him 'watching' each time it happened, of feeling trapped in her pain and humiliation, of feeling her partners pleasures at taking her. Of the taunting he received in high school every time he ran from the girls that offered him 'a good time.' Even that one time in Hawk Haven when he had planned on taking an hour or so in one the VR room came unbidden. Of feeling the rutting lust from Jon and of the pain that turned to pleasure from Krys coming from one of those rooms.

By the time he was spent, his skin was red from the heat of the water. With a sobbing moan he slid down to his knees, curling inward. His body shook with exhausting as he managed to climb back to his feet. Reaching out automatically he took the rough sponge and started to scrub. It didn't matter that there wasn't any soap on it, just that it was there. He left not a single inch of skin untouched. The white of his scars turned pink as the rest of his skin turned blood red. In some spots he had even managed to the blood to the surface. The water was turning pink as it streamed off him, yet still he scrubbed, his memories hounding him. Of how it was 'bad and evil and sinful.'

He had fled as soon as he could to cower in his room. Emily had found him there later, sitting in a corner, rocking back and forth, his head buried in his arms. "Will, what is it?' she had felt the images from his mind, simply held him as he rocked back and forth, while a steady anger burned for those that had hurt her brother.

The water had turned cold again, he was shivering, and the pink had dwindled away as the scratches bled out. He turned off the water, crawled out onto the bathroom floor as the images continued to loop in his mind. Zan, Emily, Jon, Krys.. the memories got stronger as they reran in his brain, images that he could not shake.

Still sobbing, he curled his fist and started pounding it on the bathroom floor. "Leave me alone please" it was a bare whisper in the silence of the room. But the memories would not, they only taunted him more. Zan's words came to him as well as the emotions involved. Of her time in the POW camp

The dirty faces of the men beating her, their fists crashing into her body over and over. The debilitating pain, and their cruel grins. The wider smiles as they tore at her flight suit, yanked open her legs. Her violation, over and over, different faces same pain. The bleeding from her center and her legs where they had scratched at them, cut her legs with knives. His mind shrinking horrified away from the images that would not go away. He was dimly aware of blood spots on the floor of the bathroom.

At some point in time the memories let him go, leaving him exhausted and alone in the brightly lit room. Mechanically he got to his feet and cleaned everything up. He didn't even bother to cover himself up as he unlocked the door and headed for the bed. As sleep took him, he wished for the comforting embrace that Emily use to give when he was like this.

In passing he heard the light knocking of someone checking on him. He must have said something because they left him alone after that. He also received a note From Dr. Lonergan that he had the all the days off that he needed, 'Sick Leave' as it were. When he was up and about, he had his meals in his room to avoid seeing Zan or anyone else. After the first couple of days his room was getting to be too confining.

He was walking down one of the halls, shoulders hunched, his head down watching his feet. He stopped in mid step when he saw a familiar pair of boots in front of him. Slowly raising his eyes he saw Zan standing there, head tilted to the side slightly, looking concerned.

"Will? Are you ok? I've been worried about you."

He opened his mouth to say something but couldn't get anything out. A panicked expression crossed his face as he turned suddenly and walked away.

"Will?.. Will!" Concern colored her voice.

He heard her call his name but he ignored it. Then he heard it, her steps following him. He speed up his pace and hers matched. Turning blindly down one hallway then another till he was lost. He came to a dead end, no where to run anymore. He had been so focused on his work that he neglected to find out where everything was in the Palace. He stood there, shoulders hunched as he panted in harsh breaths. His hands clenched into fist by his sides. He flinched when he felt her hands come to rest on his shoulders.

"Will, will you please tell me what's going on? Is it something I've done? Please, tell me so that I will know what to do." Her voice soft and coaxing.

He did the first thing that came to mind. He turned and kissed her. Seriously kissed her, not just some polite peck on the lips. His arms going about her shoulders as he held her there. He felt her lips part under his, his tongue slipping between them to taste her. She tasted of coffee and cream, of smoky cloves and icy mints. It was intoxicating to him. Intoxicating and shocking at the same time.

She was startled at first, but sagged against him, her arms wrapping about his waist to keep herself standing. This was better then she could ever imagine it would be.

Just as suddenly as he started he stopped and just slumped against the wall "Oh, God. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry. I didn't mean..." looking anywhere but at her.

It takes a moment or two to get her breath back but when she does "..Sorry? For what?.. Damn it Will, I'm not a mind reader. You have to tell me for me to understand." She gave him space though she wouldn't have minded getting a whole lot closer.

"Things....I can't stop seeing....can't stop feeling....It's all mixed up...."

She took a deep breath and closed her eyes letting it out slowly as she reached up and pinched the bridge of her nose. "Oh dear lord in heaven...what is going on?" She opened her eyes again, taking his hand and tugging lightly. "Come on, we have to talk, but privately."

Will flinched a little but didn't pull away. "Okay." He knew he was defeated.

Zan found a nice private, out of the way little room, a small table, a couple of deep winged back chairs, a wet bar. She guided him to one. "Sit."

He fell more than sat, elbows on knees, face in hands.

She ran a hand though her hair as she moved to the wet bar and grabbed a bottle of hundred plus year old whiskey and a couple of shot glasses. Once those were in hand she returned and sat down across from him, pouring 2 shots. Sliding one over to him, she took the other and tossed it back.

He shook his head. "It doesn't make them go away.'

"No but it makes them easier to talk about. Liquid bravery is what I hear it's referred to."

He raised the glass. "To courage in a bottle." And gulped, coughing and sputtering afterwards. "A very old bottle."

"It was given to Papa Charlie back when I was a kid. It was over a hundred years old then." She poured another round but left it sitting on the table. "Now then....Talk to me."

He shook his head. "You don't want what's in my head. It's too ugly." It wasn't exactly the truth, but it felt to complicated to explain.

"Will, I lived though 2 years as a POW. There's little now that can do anything to me anymore. If I don't understand, I can't help. and if I'm not helping then I'm only adding to the problems." Leaning forward in the chair some.

His palms slid up to his forehead, and she could hear his voice, low and hollow. "I could see them. Hear them. Feel them. Just before I woke up, all I could think was 'Please, let me die.' Tell me it wasn't that bad. Tell me I'm imagining things."

"Who, Will?"

He looks up at her in anguish. "I was you."

"...Goddess..." it came out a strangled whisper as she slips back into the chair. Her mind racing over the implications of his words.

He was trying to figure out how to tell her the other part. The 'good' parts. The century old whiskey started to work. "There was more..."

She motioned for him to have another shot as she downed her second.

He had another, more slowly this time. "The other night, at the office..." He waited till he was sure she was listening. "We weren't interrupted."

She just slowly raised an eyebrow at that. "I honestly wish we weren't," she said, a half smile playing on her lips. "Dreams are good, but they are never as good as the real thing."

"It...felt pretty real..."

She just nodded. "What went on?" she asked, curious now.

He was beet red as he blushed. "Everything."

She chuckled softly then turned serious as she leans forward again to grab his hand in hers. "Tell me something, and be honest with me. Have you ever had sex? In any form what so ever."

He closed his eyes. "I've never been with a woman."

"I'm guessing that you've never been with a man either." She rubbed her thumb across his knuckles.

"No!"

She smiled and shook her head then stood and moved so that she was able to crouch next to the arm of his chair. "There's no shame in being a virgin Will. I can't claim to be one myself, but I can claim to be inexperienced. Same difference as far as I'm concerned. Don't look away either. I want to see your face, not the back side of your head."

"I keep thinking about you. I didn't want you to know."

"I'm flattered that you do." She continued to caress his hand. "I think about you. You're the first person in years that has captured my attention like this. And not just for what you are doing to help me either. Do you want to venture a guess as to how long?"

He looked at her, blinking, waiting for her to go on.

"Years, Will. For almost 10 years."

"Since... That long?"

"Yes." She chuckled softly at some of the memories. Of her watching from afar in the HummingBird, everything but the long range visual scanners shut down. "Surprised?"

He blinked, then blinked again. "A little. Why didn't you say something?"

"What would you have said to someone that worked with the Mob regularly? Would you have thought it was just to get inside info on everyone there? Tell me honestly if that would have crossed your mind, or the others'. We would have worked together on a smuggling ring if things had not gone the way they did. I worked the deal out with Aurora, then a week later she was gone and someone else commanding."

The world turned upside down that day, he thought. "Jon read the recommendation and trash-canned it. He said if you had information that good and he could prove it, you could use it to turn state's evidence and save yourself from hard labor. He was different, then. Angry. We'd gotten the news about the engagement."

She just nodded. "And if he tried to touch me though the law, New Eden would have responded very harshly. It would have been a fiasco like no others. Queen Katrina was still alive back then." She shakes her head a moment. "Let's play a game of suppose. Suppose it was accepted. Suppose we worked together and feelings were said then. When I had to return here, would you have followed me?"

He sat there blinking, the thought had never occurred to him before. "Yeah. I would have liked that very much."

"We lost the chance back then, but we have it now." standing up, she moved in front of him. "Nothing has to happen right now at this moment, unless you want to that is."

Will wrapped his arms around her waist. "I just want to hold you."

Zan slid on to his lap wrapping her arms about his shoulders. "Sounds like a deal and start to me."

He threaded a hand through her hair, holding her head against his shoulder. "It's like I have to convince myself you're still alive. Still here. That this isn't all too good to be real and I'm in some elaborate nightmare. I don't know how you could survive."

"I had a lot of help. And a lot of support. I found out it was Kit that found me after I had been left for dead. Maybe that's the reason he's here, I don't know." She was enjoying the feel of his hands running though her hair. He seemed to be able to find just the right places. "I'm curious....Are you an empath like your sister? It's the only explanation I can come up with on how you know about some things."

"Yeah...I don't like to do it, but sometimes, I just...get stuff. Bad stuff. Stuff I wish I could just forget."

"Maybe I could help you forget about 'that stuff' Or bring it to light to show that it wasn't as bad as you thought" nuzzling against his neck as a shiver of pleasure runs though her as he his fingers find just the right spots.

The effect she had on him was equally intoxicating. "Zan...Mmmm...Let me get some distance from it. Some perspective." He tightened his grip and she was warm and solid and decidedly real in his arms.

She snuggled into him, feeling secure in his embrace.

It was a long time before they moved apart.