THE PARTS OF VALMAR YOU NEVER SAW
Chris and Andy
DISCLAIMER: None of these characters belong to us (me and Chris). They belong to
Game Arts or whoever. Blah blah blah I don't think I have to expound upon this any
further.
By the way, Chris wrote the first chapter, I typed and edited it.
Chapter 1: A Tale of Failed Odor Eaters
"Each shall rise to face their...My foot!"
Ryudo found himself sitting in yet another strange dungeon after fighting yet
another swarm of monsters, looking at yet another strange floating ball in the middle of
yet another stair case, with Millenia yet again going on about her hair and lack of a bra,
with yet another person that was obviously a part of Valmar, although due to Ryudo's
lack of observational skills he had yet to notice any of these things. One would have
thought that the giant foot sticking out of the man's head would have made Ryudo
wonder just a little bit.
But now the Foot of Valmar, who preferred to be called Foot Regally
Emancipated of DOOM, or just FRED, was giving his usual big badguy speech.
"And three shall be the number of the counting..." Ryudo had begun to fall
asleep, Elena was beginning to question why she was wearing a sock around her head,
Millenia was writing a long and involved love letter to Ryudo, Tio was...well, Tio and
Mareg were considering the best way to say SMELL, and Roan was putting on his make-
up.
"Four score and seven years ago..." FRED was saying.
"I will not allow you to harm anymore people!" Ryudo shouted.
"Yeah, Valmar needs his foot," Millenia added.
"I'm going to kill you, burn you, mutilate you..." Elena rambled off, before
noticing the stares she was getting. She resumed her usual forced smile. "I mean, sorry,
that your soul is about to be ripped into small tiny miniscule..." she stopped herself.
"You SMELL bad," Mareg added helpfully. The party turned their heads. "Well,
he has a foot sticking out of his head...it reeks."
"I really don't think pink is my color," Roan said as he regarded himself in the
mirror. "Do you think fuschia would be better on my complexion?"
"You should drink milk. You're real short, Roan," Ryudo responded. Roan
proceeded to weep like a little girl.
"Ryudo," Elena was cross. "You know how sensitive Roan is about his height."
"Well...he's short!" Ryudo answered, glancing at Roan. "That's right, shorty, you
haven't even hit puberty yet. You're voice is like a rusty axle, and you're so small, you
probably can't even go on the merry-go-round!"
"Enough, fools!" FRED bellowed. "You can't begin your comebacks until I'm
finished with my big badguy speech."
"What, you're not done?" Millenia was shocked. "You've...been ranting for two
and a half hours!"
"You aren't even original!" Elena added.
"I am too original! My transitions are very original."
"Well, what are they?"
"Well..."
"Well...?"
"Well...?"
"What are your transitions?"
"Well, the transitions are, well..."
Ryudo's jaw dropped. "You are so damn stupid! Damn boss. Damn God. Damn
Valmar. Damn Roan. Damn Mareg. Damn Millenia."
"Why damn me?" Millenia was stunned.
"Uhhh..." said FRED. "Just finish up so I can kill you all."
"Now I've lost my train of thought. Oh, let's just fight."
"Yes!" Ryudo danced.
"Wait, your automata hasn't said her response, we can't fight until she does."
FRED replied.
"Say something Tio!"
"What should I say?" Tio asked.
"Anything."
"Err...doom." Everybody looked at her. "Was I mistaken in my choice?"
"Yes, now I will kill you, damn boss of damness who shall forever be damned to
damn hell with damn monkeys and damn Millenia."
"Hey!" Millenia began. But FRED had already transformed into a giant foot. A
giant, ugly, green, nasty foot. With lots of crud between the toes. And it smelled really,
really bad.
Mareg spoke. "I told you he SMELLED bad. But no, you just stared..."
"Shut up, dammit, damn Mareg, always damn talking, dammit," Ryudo replied.
"I hate my life," suddenly Skye chimed in. "But at least I have no nose. Haha,
suckers!"
"You are going to be sucked into my...er...soul," Millenia spoke to the Foot of
Valmar. Then the Foot spoke.
"No fair, six against one."
"He's right, I don't think console systems can handle more than four people in
battle at once," Elena said.
"Sure they can, think about Suikoden," Roan answered. "Hmm...maybe I'll wear
blue like Flik."
"Oh, just kill the damn foot, dammit!" Ryudo was ancy. "Flying Tenseiken!"
Nothing happened. "Umm...Skye?"
Skye was mumbling on top of the weird glowing sphere. "Uhh...There's no way
I'm touching that foot."
"Damn you, damned Skye! Purple Lightning!"
"That is so gay," Roan stated as Ryudo sliced the foot to bits. The foot wasn't
very threatening, except for the smell. Ryudo finished and turned toward Roan.
Millenia began devouring the foot behind him.
"I'm gay?!" Ryudo said angrily. "What about you, Mr. 'Do you think pink suits
me'? You're an escapee from the Barney kids!" Roan gasped, turned, and started crying.
A sudden realization hit Ryudo.
"The 'People of Darkness' are all former Barney kids, aren't they???"
"Nooo! You've found us out!" Roan wept. But the conversation went nowhere.
Millenia had finished the absorption, and looked as though she was going to vomit.
"Eww, how gross that foot was."
Elena stared at Millenia. "Hey, how come we're both here?"
"Errr..umm...nobody knows," Millenia replied.
"Oh, okay. My head hurts."
Mareg sniffed the air. "You all SMELL bad." Skye chuckled from atop his perch.
"Heh heh, suckers."
-Written by Chris
-Typed and editted by Andy U.
Chris and Andy
DISCLAIMER: None of these characters belong to us (me and Chris). They belong to
Game Arts or whoever. Blah blah blah I don't think I have to expound upon this any
further.
By the way, Chris wrote the first chapter, I typed and edited it.
Chapter 1: A Tale of Failed Odor Eaters
"Each shall rise to face their...My foot!"
Ryudo found himself sitting in yet another strange dungeon after fighting yet
another swarm of monsters, looking at yet another strange floating ball in the middle of
yet another stair case, with Millenia yet again going on about her hair and lack of a bra,
with yet another person that was obviously a part of Valmar, although due to Ryudo's
lack of observational skills he had yet to notice any of these things. One would have
thought that the giant foot sticking out of the man's head would have made Ryudo
wonder just a little bit.
But now the Foot of Valmar, who preferred to be called Foot Regally
Emancipated of DOOM, or just FRED, was giving his usual big badguy speech.
"And three shall be the number of the counting..." Ryudo had begun to fall
asleep, Elena was beginning to question why she was wearing a sock around her head,
Millenia was writing a long and involved love letter to Ryudo, Tio was...well, Tio and
Mareg were considering the best way to say SMELL, and Roan was putting on his make-
up.
"Four score and seven years ago..." FRED was saying.
"I will not allow you to harm anymore people!" Ryudo shouted.
"Yeah, Valmar needs his foot," Millenia added.
"I'm going to kill you, burn you, mutilate you..." Elena rambled off, before
noticing the stares she was getting. She resumed her usual forced smile. "I mean, sorry,
that your soul is about to be ripped into small tiny miniscule..." she stopped herself.
"You SMELL bad," Mareg added helpfully. The party turned their heads. "Well,
he has a foot sticking out of his head...it reeks."
"I really don't think pink is my color," Roan said as he regarded himself in the
mirror. "Do you think fuschia would be better on my complexion?"
"You should drink milk. You're real short, Roan," Ryudo responded. Roan
proceeded to weep like a little girl.
"Ryudo," Elena was cross. "You know how sensitive Roan is about his height."
"Well...he's short!" Ryudo answered, glancing at Roan. "That's right, shorty, you
haven't even hit puberty yet. You're voice is like a rusty axle, and you're so small, you
probably can't even go on the merry-go-round!"
"Enough, fools!" FRED bellowed. "You can't begin your comebacks until I'm
finished with my big badguy speech."
"What, you're not done?" Millenia was shocked. "You've...been ranting for two
and a half hours!"
"You aren't even original!" Elena added.
"I am too original! My transitions are very original."
"Well, what are they?"
"Well..."
"Well...?"
"Well...?"
"What are your transitions?"
"Well, the transitions are, well..."
Ryudo's jaw dropped. "You are so damn stupid! Damn boss. Damn God. Damn
Valmar. Damn Roan. Damn Mareg. Damn Millenia."
"Why damn me?" Millenia was stunned.
"Uhhh..." said FRED. "Just finish up so I can kill you all."
"Now I've lost my train of thought. Oh, let's just fight."
"Yes!" Ryudo danced.
"Wait, your automata hasn't said her response, we can't fight until she does."
FRED replied.
"Say something Tio!"
"What should I say?" Tio asked.
"Anything."
"Err...doom." Everybody looked at her. "Was I mistaken in my choice?"
"Yes, now I will kill you, damn boss of damness who shall forever be damned to
damn hell with damn monkeys and damn Millenia."
"Hey!" Millenia began. But FRED had already transformed into a giant foot. A
giant, ugly, green, nasty foot. With lots of crud between the toes. And it smelled really,
really bad.
Mareg spoke. "I told you he SMELLED bad. But no, you just stared..."
"Shut up, dammit, damn Mareg, always damn talking, dammit," Ryudo replied.
"I hate my life," suddenly Skye chimed in. "But at least I have no nose. Haha,
suckers!"
"You are going to be sucked into my...er...soul," Millenia spoke to the Foot of
Valmar. Then the Foot spoke.
"No fair, six against one."
"He's right, I don't think console systems can handle more than four people in
battle at once," Elena said.
"Sure they can, think about Suikoden," Roan answered. "Hmm...maybe I'll wear
blue like Flik."
"Oh, just kill the damn foot, dammit!" Ryudo was ancy. "Flying Tenseiken!"
Nothing happened. "Umm...Skye?"
Skye was mumbling on top of the weird glowing sphere. "Uhh...There's no way
I'm touching that foot."
"Damn you, damned Skye! Purple Lightning!"
"That is so gay," Roan stated as Ryudo sliced the foot to bits. The foot wasn't
very threatening, except for the smell. Ryudo finished and turned toward Roan.
Millenia began devouring the foot behind him.
"I'm gay?!" Ryudo said angrily. "What about you, Mr. 'Do you think pink suits
me'? You're an escapee from the Barney kids!" Roan gasped, turned, and started crying.
A sudden realization hit Ryudo.
"The 'People of Darkness' are all former Barney kids, aren't they???"
"Nooo! You've found us out!" Roan wept. But the conversation went nowhere.
Millenia had finished the absorption, and looked as though she was going to vomit.
"Eww, how gross that foot was."
Elena stared at Millenia. "Hey, how come we're both here?"
"Errr..umm...nobody knows," Millenia replied.
"Oh, okay. My head hurts."
Mareg sniffed the air. "You all SMELL bad." Skye chuckled from atop his perch.
"Heh heh, suckers."
-Written by Chris
-Typed and editted by Andy U.