The Lord of the Earrings.
1 By Rachel Cooper.
Long ago, before skilled jewellery-makers graced the Earth, twenty pairs of cheap plastic novelty earrings were quickly manufactured in a factory in China by a team of angry baboons.
Three pairs were given to the Elves, who fought so viciously over who should wear them that someone ended up with a grazed knee. After a lot of hair pulling and one particularly nasty accident with an arrow, the earrings were given to the local drag queen for safekeeping.
Seven pairs were given the Dwarves, who attempted to wear them, but they got lost in their beards and hadn't been seen since.
Nine pairs were given to the Humans, who immediately tried to eat them and got bad indigestion.
But the most large, tacky and over-the-top pair of earrings were found by Patbutcha, who loved them and wore them with pride. But soon one pair wasn't enough; Patbutcha wanted more. So she travelled across the land, stealing the Tacky Earrings from the Elves, Dwarves and Humans, until she was only one pair away from Total Tackiness. And that pair that fallen into the hands Frodo the Hobbit, who had got the Earrings out of a cracker from last Christmas and couldn't be bothered to chuck them in the bin. Now Frodo must travel far, along with his friends: Sam, Merry and Pippin, plus Legolas the Elf, Gimli the Dwarf, and Aragorn the Man, who all fancied an adventure and thought they may as well tag along. Gandalf the Wizard decided to tag along too; he felt guilty as it was he who gave Frodo the cracker in the first place. Their quest: to cast The Earrings into the Great Recycling Plant before Patbutcha gets her hands on them and turns the whole world into a great big sparkly tacky thing.
'Where the flipping hell have Merry and Pippin gone?!' screamed Frodo, running around in circles.
It was morning, and the group had woken up to find that the two little Hobbits, Merry and Pippin, had completely vanished.
'Fear not, Master Frodo!' squeaked Sam, 'Look! Here comes Legolas!'
The nimble and well-groomed Elf bounded towards them like an insane frog, with Gimli lumbering along way behind him, huffing and puffing like Darth Vader on a really bad day.
Legolas said, 'I have looked near, far, wherever you are, and I do believe that the heart will go on, but I fear we have lost the Hobbits.'
Then Aragorn, who had previously been lying on the ground, questioning some worms, spoke up.
'Lo! A note! I have found a note from the Hobbits! It reads:
WE GOT BORED. SEE YA.
Frodo sighed. 'Well, maybe it's for the best. They were starting to annoy me a bit anyway.'
'This is all your fault!' Gimli shouted, pointing a short finger at Legolas. 'I thought you usually stay awake all night!'
'I've told you time and again!' the Elf growled, 'I do sleep! I just sleep with my eyes open!'
'What are you, some kind of fish?!' shouted Gimli.
'What are you, some kind of kebab?!' shouted Legolas, whipping out an arrow and poking Gimli in the stomach.
'AH SHUT UP!!' shouted Frodo and Sam.
'Yes, shut up indeed.' Agreed Gandalf, 'It is time we got moving. Patbutcha is hot on our tails. I could smell her cheap perfume from ten leagues away.
So the group set off and made their way through a forest. The sun shone through the trees and all seemed peaceful, except for Legolas and Gimli, who were arguing over who had the better mobile phone.
'Even in this forest my mobile still has a strong signal.' Boasted Gimli, 'Yours has gone dead.'
'Well, my mobile is a Sony, and you can record songs onto it. Observe!'
And to demonstrate Legolas switched on his mobile and started doing a manic dance to 'Baby Got Back'.
"I like big butts and I cannot lie, you other brothers can't deny, that when a girl walks in with an iddy biddy waist and a round thing in your face you get-
'Who cares?!' shouted Gimli, 'Your mobile looks like something from the 70's. My phone is a Nokia 8210, one of the smallest you can get!'
'A bit like you, isn't it!' retorted Legolas.
'Why you-you-creepy blond Elf! I'll kill you!'
'Bring it on, shorty!!'
'WILL YOU TWO GIVE IT A REST!!!' roared Gandalf, and Legolas ceased aiming an arrow up Gimli's nose, while Gimli reluctantly removed his axe from between Legolas's legs.
The group started to walk again, and Gimli mumbled to Legolas,
'I would've hit you so hard you wouldn't have known what was you'd lost.'
'Well there wasn't much point in shooting an arrow up your nose, since you have no brains to speak of.' Legolas whispered back.
'Son of a-
'THAT'S IT!! I CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE!!' yelled Frodo, shoving the Earrings into Aragorn's hands, 'you can deal with these. I'm off to the pub. C'mon, Sam.' and the two Hobbits set off.
Aragorn looked bewilderingly at the Earrings.
'What should we do Gan-
Aragorn turned round to find that Gandalf had been kidnapped and probably eaten by a pack of vampires.'
'A fine mess we are in now.' Aragorn groaned.
'Can I wear the Earrings?' asked Legolas sweetly.
The now much smaller group travelled until they reached a town, and by then it was evening. Aragorn and Gimli sat on a bench while Legolas went into town to scout around for somewhere nice to have a meal. He came back a bit later and said,
'I found a very nice pub where I was hugged by many friendly men dressed up as cowboys and sailors. Oh and there's a McDonalds.'
Aragorn and Gimli quickly chose the McDonalds.
As soon as they were sat down Gimli started moaning again.
'We would've been able to eat somewhere much nicer if Legolas hadn't spent all our money on that shampoo.'
'You've obviously never had to deal with a greasy-haired Elf, my friend.' Legolas replied smugly, munching a chip.
'I hate to change the subject,' said Aragorn, 'but I'm getting very worried about our quest. We still have a long way to go, and we're way behind schedule. I worry that Patbutcha is going to find us before we get to the Recycling Plant.'
'I wish there was a way to get there quicker.' Legolas sighed, half- heartedly playing with the toy car he'd got in his Happy Meal, before pushing it off the table and watch it trip up a member of staff.
'THAT'S IT!' cried Aragorn, jumping up and sending Coke and barbeque sauce flying everywhere, 'Legolas has given me an idea!'
'We're going to get more toy cars?' asked Legolas hopefully.
'We're going to shove Legolas off a cliff?' asked Gimli even more hopefully.
'Nope, even better!' said Aragorn, 'We're going to get a car!'
After being thrown out of about ten car-selling-places, the three companions forlornly continued their quest on foot.
'I can't understand why they wouldn't let us have a car because we told them that we were on a quest to save the world from a demon woman obsessed with ultra-tacky earrings.' Said Gimli.
'Maybe they were freaked out by Legolas's hairstyle.' Said Aragorn.
'LOOK!!!' Screamed Legolas suddenly, causing Aragorn to jump a foot into the air.
Legolas was pointing at a nearby field. And there, in the field, were some horses. In a split second the Elf was in the field petting them.
'Horses! Perfect! I'm sure no one will mind if we borrow these!' Aragorn said happily. He then went off to raid a nearby shed and came back with some riding equipment. He and Legolas began saddling up their horses, but Gimli stood perfectly still.
'THERE-IS-NO-WAY-I'M-GETTING-ON-ONE-OF-THOSE-THINGS!' he said, trembling.
'Aaaw, poor Gimlee!' cooed Legolas, running over to hug the Dwarf.
'Get away from me Legolas! I hate you.' Gimli grumbled, pushing the Elf away.
One of the horses chose that moment to comfort Gimli too, and licked him on the ear.
It is said that it took a long time for Aragorn to persuade Gimli to get off Legolas's lap, although the Elf assured Aragorn that he didn't mind, and that if his friends back at Mirkwood could see this they would have died laughing by now.
In the end they found an old wheelbarrow, which they attached with a rope to the saddle of Legolas's horse, whom he had named Twinkletoes. Aragorn had named his horse Butch. Gimli reluctantly clambered into the wheelbarrow, still mumbling angrily to himself.
Just then the very shortsighted farmer came out of his house, and was very angry to find that a Yeti, Father Christmas and the Tooth Fairy were stealing his horses. He ran up, wildly waving a pitchfork, but was confronted by the Tooth Fairy.
'How dare you leave horses out in a field on their own like this!' said Legolas, slapping the surprised farmer in the face, 'Shame on you!' And with that he flicked his hair and rode away.
The farmer watched as the Tooth Fairy and the Yeti rode off into the distance with Father Christmas in tow, and he promised never to drink again.
The three companions continued their quest with new enthusiasm, their spirits uplifted now that they had horses. Legolas sang an Elvish song as they went along:
"Dooyu reelly lyke it,
Issit issit wicked,
We're lovinit lovinit lovinit,
We're lovinit lyke this…"
He was on the 623rd verse when he suddenly stopped, his ears pricked up.
'There is something in the bushes.' He whispered.
Sure enough, one of the bushes was twitching. The Elf crept towards it, peering through the leaves. Then he reached in, and pulled out, to everyone's surprise, a small dragon.
Aragorn, Gimli and Legolas crowded round the dragon.
'It's so cute!' said Legolas.
'Can we eat it?' asked Gimli.
'Hullo there, sweetie!' said Aragorn, reaching out to pet it.
'Roar.' Said the dragon, attaching itself to Aragorn's nose.
'Eeeek! Get it off me! Get it off me!' Aragorn shouted, running around and flapping his hands.
Legolas and Gimli stood laughing hysterically, and after a while they decided to help.
By late afternoon the group, along with their new member, the dragon, who after a lot of arguing had been named Rover, were approaching another town. Rover had now been securely fastened to a leash, as he had acquired a taste for noses, and was riding in the wheelbarrow along with Gimli.
They came to a large building, surrounded by an even larger car park. Legolas squinted at it for a moment, then jumped off his horse.
'Oh wow it's a shopping centre! Can we go shopping?? Oh can we can we pleeeeaase!!!' he shouted, jumping up and down and tugging on Gimli's beard with excitement.
Aragorn looked doubtful. 'Well I don't think we really have time-
'For god's sake Aragorn, let him go shopping before he pulls my face off!' Gimli moaned.
'Oh alright.' Aragorn sighed, 'But this time tell me before you buy anything, Legolas.'
It was a very frantic shopping trip, as Legolas bounded from shop to shop so fast that Aragorn and Gimli were having a lot of trouble keeping up with him. In the end it was only Legolas who made a purchase (Aragorn and Gimli spent the whole time running after him). He had bought the latest brand of arrows.
'Extra pointy.' He said, grinning.
They were on their way out when suddenly Aragorn stopped. His face expression was one of pure terror. He opened his mouth but no words escaped him. He simply pointed at the "Cheap 'n' Cheerful Jewellery Store", and there, looking with relish at some truly horrendous earrings, was Patbutcha.
When Aragorn's voice returned to him he whispered,
'When I give the word, walk, as quietly as you can, to the-
'RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!' Screamed Gimli, hurling himself out of the door, closely followed by Legolas.
All three of them ran out to the car park, only to find that a security woman was inspecting Rover and the horses.
'Are these your, er… things, sir?' she asked Aragorn.
'Yes they are.' Gasped Aragorn, 'Is there a problem?'
'Yes. They're parked in a Disabled spot.' She replied sternly.
'That's because one of us is disabled!' said Legolas, kneeing Gimli in the crotch. Gimli crumpled to the floor.
'See! Look at him, he can't walk! Poor Gimli!' The Elf continued, watching Gimli writhe around on the floor.
'Er, yes, quite.' Said Aragorn. 'And besides, we're on a very important mission.'
'And what mission would that be?' The security woman asked, folding her arms.
'We are on a mission to save the world from the evil Patbutcha by casting The Earrings into the Great Recycling Plant…. Er, where are the Earrings?' said Aragorn, looking around.
'No, Twinkletoes! Drop! Bad horse!' Legolas was shouting at Twinkletoes, who had been chewing on the Earrings for quite a while.
With some difficulty Legolas retrieved the Earrings.
'Here they are!' he said, waving the slobber-covered Earrings in front of the security woman's face, 'Straight from the horse's mouth! Ha ha!'
The security woman took at the Earrings and ran away in fright.
So the Fellowship of the Earrings continued their journey, and Gimli refused to speak to Legolas for the rest of the day.
The group awoke early the next morning. Legolas was up quicker than the others, as he had quickly discovered that someone had put a scorpion in his trousers.
'Revenge is sweet.' Cackled Gimli, watching the Elf frantically hopping around.
After Legolas finally managed to sort himself out by taking a running jump into the nearest lake and drowning the unfortunate scorpion, the group set off.
The now extremely sulky and embarrassed Legolas was attempting to dry out his hair, but wasn't having much luck. After a while Gimli began to feel sorry for Legolas and offered him his portable hairdryer, which the Elf gladly accepted, and cheered up a great deal after that.
After a while the group came across a large river.
'Our destination lies somewhere down stream.' Said Aragorn, 'We shall need some boats.'
'Look! Over there!' said Legolas. He was pointing to a small building a little way off. It had the words "Rent-a-Boat" written across it.
'Isn't it weird how everything we need always appears exactly when we want it?' said Aragorn.
'Yeah, weird that.' Said Gimli.
It turned out that they only had enough money for two boats, and Aragorn quickly decided who would go in which boat: he and Rover in one, Gimli and Legolas in the other.
'I would have preferred the dragon.' Grumbled Gimli.
'You smell.' Replied Legolas.
As the fat man at the desk handed them their tickets, he noticed Legolas's soaking wet clothes.
'You sure the Elf needs a boat, guv?' the fat man asked Aragorn, 'Looks like he's wet enough already!'
'Ha ha.' Said Legolas darkly, and glowered at the man in his scary wide- eyed Elfy sort of way.
The fat man quickly shut up.
The group decided, as they walked towards their boats, that they had no choice but to set their faithful horses, Butch and Twinkletoes, free.
'They have been good friends.' Said Aragorn, removing the horses' saddles.
'Good riddance.' Said Gimli.
'I'll miss you!' sobbed Legolas.
'FREEDOM!' said the horses in horse language, and galloped away, never to be seen again.
Legolas stood there crying for quite a while, before Aragorn gently said to him,
'Get into the boat, you stupid Elf.'
The three companions hadn't rowed far down the river before Legolas and Gimli started annoying each other again.
'Row row row your boat, gently down the stream…' Legolas was singing loudly.
Gimli shouted, 'Legolas! Shut up, move over, and get your stupid bow out of my-
'AAAARRGH!!' yelled Aragorn suddenly, 'A shark!!!'
'A shark? In a lake? No way!' said Legolas, before he saw a large fin heading straight towards him.
He jumped up, wobbled, lost his balance, and fell into the river.
As soon as he was underwater, Legolas panicked and tried to swim upwards, only to hit his head on the bottom of the boat. As he sank he saw the shark heading towards him. He also saw a mermaid sitting on the riverbed, who laughed at him and started singing the theme from Jaws.
'It's unusual for an Elf to be so clumsy,' said a familiar voice, 'You must be spending too much time in the company of Dwarves.'
'Gandalf?!' Legolas gurgled.
'The very same!' said the shark, swimming underneath Legolas and towing him back to the surface.
Gimli helped the Elf back into the boat.
'Legolas! Are you all right? I was so worri- Er, I mean, you're stupid.'
But Legolas wasn't fooled. 'Thank you Gimli.' He said, 'You may find this hard to believe, but that shark is Gandalf!'
'On this quest? No, I don't find that hard to believe at all.' Said Aragorn. He looked at the shark, who had his nose poking out of the water. 'Is it really you, Gandalf? We thought you were killed by vampires!'
'Ah, but those folk who kidnapped me weren't vampires!' said the shark that was Gandalf, 'They were the Great Shark People. After carrying me around for a while they told me that they would only let me go if I agreed to become one of them. So I agreed, and now I am Gandalf the Great White Shark! And I can change from Wizard to shark at will.'
Will you not ride with us, Gandalf?' asked Aragorn, 'As you see we are still on our quest, although I'm afraid that Frodo and Sam have left us.'
'I shall stay in the water and swim beside you.' Said Gandalf, '…Is that a dragon?'
'Yes, this Rover!' said Aragorn, holding up the dragon, who blew a few smoke rings then playfully tried to claw Aragorn's eyes out. 'He doesn't do much, but he's kinda cool.' Aragorn hastily put Rover down.
'Very interesting.' Said Gandalf, 'Shall we?'
And the group set off down the river.
The companions travelled for a few hours, and then found the river leading them through a small village. Suddenly they heard voices calling them. To their surprise they saw none other than Frodo and Sam, standing on the bank and waving frantically. The group quickly rowed over to the Hobbits and greeted them warmly, and a lot of questions involving the words what, where, why and how were asked, until Sam suddenly spotted the shark.
'Eeeek! Tis a giant fishy with teeeeth!!' he yelled.
'Is that any way to speak to an old friend?' said Gandalf, and he morphed into his Wizard form. He looked exactly the same as he used to, except that he now had long pointy teeth.
'Gandalf!' gasped Frodo, 'But how-
'Please don't make me explain it again!' Gandalf groaned, 'I've already had to explain it to Legolas five times…'
'How did you two get so far before us?' Legolas asked, changing the subject.
'We hitched a lift with this guy.' Replied Frodo, pointing to a creature that looked like the result of a bizarre experiment involving a monkey and a fog.
'Lo. I is Gollum.' Said the creature.
Gollum looked at Frodo and Sam's friends with uncertainty, but when he saw Legolas a strange look came into his large fish-like eyes.
'Prrrretty Elffff…' he purred.
'Huh?' said Legolas.
Before anyone could stop him, Gollum jumped forward and wrapped his long arms round Legolas's leg.
'Nice Elf. Lovely Elf. What is Elfy's name?'
'Uh, Legolas.' Said Legolas, trying to shake Gollum off.
'Leeee-goooo-lassss. Boooootyful name!'
'I'm sure I read somewhere that Gollum was supposed to hate Elves…' said Gandalf.
'Who cares? This is much more entertaining!' chuckled Gimli.
Leaving Legolas to wrestle with the lovestruck Gollum, Frodo turned to Aragorn and said,
'Gollum knows the shortest and safest path to the Great Recycling Plant. Our quest shall soon be at an end.'
'Yeah, let's hope. This has been dragging on for long enough- er, I mean… yes, indeed.' Aragorn replied.
'Have you seen Merry and Pippin anywhere?' Frodo asked hopefully.
'Nope. They've well and truly bogged off.'
Suddenly Gandalf appeared beside them, making them jump.
'Well I'm afraid we won't be going anywhere fast, as Legolas has kindly punched our guide in the face and has knocked him out cold.'
'He was messing with my hair!' The Elf protested, 'NO ONE messes with my hair!!'
'Aren't Elves marvellous creatures.' Gandalf sighed, and turning to the rest of the group said,
'Fish and chips, anyone?'
The reunited Fellowship spent the night in a hotel (Gollum had to be strapped into bed as he kept trying to sneak into Legolas's room). In the morning they picked Rover up from the kennels (the owner was slightly angry as the dragon had eaten two cats and a small dog during his stay), and then set off on the last part of their journey, Gollum leading the way, and occasionally trying to hold Legolas's hand.
Frodo was right when he said that Gollum knew the safest path, as it was an uneventful journey, and strangely quiet too, as Gimli and Legolas seemed to have ceased arguing with each other, mainly because Gimli was content just watching Legolas being harassed by Gollum.
It wasn't long before they finally beheld the Great Recycling Plant. It was a large, ugly grey building, and loud clunky noises were coming from deep inside it. The group calmly negotiated their way inside. In other words, Gimli smashed all the security cameras, while Gandalf turned all the guards into beetles. They then made their way through the Recycling Plant, all the while enduring Legolas's loud singing:
"War, HUH! What is it good for? Absolutely nothing!…"
Until they finally reached their destination, the Great Furnace at the centre of the Plant.
The Fellowship of the Earrings stood silently, wearing their safety goggles.
'You should be the one to do this, Frodo.' Said Aragorn, handing Frodo the Earrings.
'Oh I have to do everything round here, don't I?!' the Hobbit grumbled, taking the Earrings.
'But not before making a pointless speech!' Legolas piped up.
'Ah yes, indeed.' Frodo said, clearing his throat, 'I do hereby cast these accursed Earrings into the fiery pits of-
'Oh no you don't!' growled a voice.
And out of the shadows came Patbutcha.
'Hold your ground! The enemy approaches!' Gandalf shouted.
There was pandemonium as everyone tried to get away from the frightening demon woman.
'Mummy!' screamed Gimli, running blindly into Aragorn, knocking him over.
'Protect Frodo!' Gandalf called desperately, 'She must not get the Earrings!'
Legolas timidly shot an arrow at Patbutcha, but it bounced off her thick skin and made her even angrier. She turned and charged towards Legolas. Gollum saw what was happening and he shrieked,
'No one hurts my Legolassss!!' and he jumped onto Patbutcha's back and covered her eyes with his large hands.
Patbutcha roared with fury and flung Gollum away from her. Gollum went flying, and would have fallen straight into the Furnace had he not grabbed onto its rim just in time. But the surface was slippery and he could not get a good hold on it. He was slowly slipping into the churning fires of the Great Furnace.
'Help me! Save me!' he whined.
Legolas peered through his smudgy safety goggles, wondering how he could help the poor creature from so far away.
'Ah, to hell with these!' he said, taking off the goggles and throwing them over his shoulder. They hit Sam on the head and knocked him out, but no one noticed.
Legolas grabbed some rope and fastened one end to an arrow, which he shot, holding on tightly to the other end of the rope. The arrow landed near Gollum's hands, and he quickly pulled himself to safety. Despite the danger Gollum ran towards Legolas with open arms.
'You saves me! You saves Gollumses life!' he said, hugging the Elf.
'Yeah yeah, no need to get all soppy,' said Legolas, 'we have more important things to worry about. Look!'
Patbutcha had realised that it was Frodo who had the Earrings, and was now chasing the Hobbit, ignoring anyone else. She batted Gimli and Aragorn's attacks away like flies, and none of Gandalf's spells were having any effect on her. Rover was buzzing around Patbutcha's head, and with a well- aimed snort of flame, the brave dragon managed to set her hair on fire. Patbutcha panicked and shook her head vigorously, and disaster struck. One of Patbutcha's massive earrings swung round and knocked Frodo off his feet. The Earrings flew up into the air, and in one swift movement Patbutcha caught them in her hand.
The Earth stood still.
'We are doomed.' Said Gandalf.
'They're mine! They are finally mine!!' Patbutcha gurgled, clutching The Earrings.
The Fellowship of the Earrings were frozen with despair. But suddenly two small figures ran into view.
It was Merry and Pippin.
'Hullo!' said Merry, 'I thought- whoops!'
He tripped over himself and fell against Patbutcha.
'NOOOOOO!!' screamed Patbutcha, trying to regain her balance. But it was too late. Patbutcha, along with The Earrings, fell into the Great Furnace, and was never seen again.
Not noticing what had just happened, Merry continued, 'I thought you lot would be coming here, so we decided to meet you here. Have we missed anything?'
'Quite the opposite.' Said Gandalf, 'You've just saved the world.'
'Have I? Well how about that!' the Hobbit exclaimed, 'Hey, did ya hear that, Pip? I just saved the world!'
'Oh, good for you, Merry!' Pippin replied.
'I feel faint.' Said Legolas, collapsing onto the floor.
After celebrating with the biggest booze-fest in history, the Fellowship staggered off to their homes, and after taking a few months out to recover from their hangovers, they went their separate ways to pursue their ambitions. Gandalf became a famous teacher at the Warthogs school for young wizards. Aragorn formed a rock band called 'Iron Goblin', and drove many people insane. Rover returned to the wild and since then anyone who has met him has left without a nose. Gimli stayed at home and drank beer. Legolas became a best-selling writer, and his autobiographical novel entitled 'Blond Elves Have More Fun' won him many awards. Gollum returned to his cave, which remained the same except for his new computer with Internet access, which he used to send Legolas love letters by email everyday, but strangely the Elf never replied.
As for the Hobbits, they returned to The Shire to continue their quiet lifestyle.
Only joking. They became multi-millionaire superstars and lived happily ever after.
THE END.
1 By Rachel Cooper.
Long ago, before skilled jewellery-makers graced the Earth, twenty pairs of cheap plastic novelty earrings were quickly manufactured in a factory in China by a team of angry baboons.
Three pairs were given to the Elves, who fought so viciously over who should wear them that someone ended up with a grazed knee. After a lot of hair pulling and one particularly nasty accident with an arrow, the earrings were given to the local drag queen for safekeeping.
Seven pairs were given the Dwarves, who attempted to wear them, but they got lost in their beards and hadn't been seen since.
Nine pairs were given to the Humans, who immediately tried to eat them and got bad indigestion.
But the most large, tacky and over-the-top pair of earrings were found by Patbutcha, who loved them and wore them with pride. But soon one pair wasn't enough; Patbutcha wanted more. So she travelled across the land, stealing the Tacky Earrings from the Elves, Dwarves and Humans, until she was only one pair away from Total Tackiness. And that pair that fallen into the hands Frodo the Hobbit, who had got the Earrings out of a cracker from last Christmas and couldn't be bothered to chuck them in the bin. Now Frodo must travel far, along with his friends: Sam, Merry and Pippin, plus Legolas the Elf, Gimli the Dwarf, and Aragorn the Man, who all fancied an adventure and thought they may as well tag along. Gandalf the Wizard decided to tag along too; he felt guilty as it was he who gave Frodo the cracker in the first place. Their quest: to cast The Earrings into the Great Recycling Plant before Patbutcha gets her hands on them and turns the whole world into a great big sparkly tacky thing.
'Where the flipping hell have Merry and Pippin gone?!' screamed Frodo, running around in circles.
It was morning, and the group had woken up to find that the two little Hobbits, Merry and Pippin, had completely vanished.
'Fear not, Master Frodo!' squeaked Sam, 'Look! Here comes Legolas!'
The nimble and well-groomed Elf bounded towards them like an insane frog, with Gimli lumbering along way behind him, huffing and puffing like Darth Vader on a really bad day.
Legolas said, 'I have looked near, far, wherever you are, and I do believe that the heart will go on, but I fear we have lost the Hobbits.'
Then Aragorn, who had previously been lying on the ground, questioning some worms, spoke up.
'Lo! A note! I have found a note from the Hobbits! It reads:
WE GOT BORED. SEE YA.
Frodo sighed. 'Well, maybe it's for the best. They were starting to annoy me a bit anyway.'
'This is all your fault!' Gimli shouted, pointing a short finger at Legolas. 'I thought you usually stay awake all night!'
'I've told you time and again!' the Elf growled, 'I do sleep! I just sleep with my eyes open!'
'What are you, some kind of fish?!' shouted Gimli.
'What are you, some kind of kebab?!' shouted Legolas, whipping out an arrow and poking Gimli in the stomach.
'AH SHUT UP!!' shouted Frodo and Sam.
'Yes, shut up indeed.' Agreed Gandalf, 'It is time we got moving. Patbutcha is hot on our tails. I could smell her cheap perfume from ten leagues away.
So the group set off and made their way through a forest. The sun shone through the trees and all seemed peaceful, except for Legolas and Gimli, who were arguing over who had the better mobile phone.
'Even in this forest my mobile still has a strong signal.' Boasted Gimli, 'Yours has gone dead.'
'Well, my mobile is a Sony, and you can record songs onto it. Observe!'
And to demonstrate Legolas switched on his mobile and started doing a manic dance to 'Baby Got Back'.
"I like big butts and I cannot lie, you other brothers can't deny, that when a girl walks in with an iddy biddy waist and a round thing in your face you get-
'Who cares?!' shouted Gimli, 'Your mobile looks like something from the 70's. My phone is a Nokia 8210, one of the smallest you can get!'
'A bit like you, isn't it!' retorted Legolas.
'Why you-you-creepy blond Elf! I'll kill you!'
'Bring it on, shorty!!'
'WILL YOU TWO GIVE IT A REST!!!' roared Gandalf, and Legolas ceased aiming an arrow up Gimli's nose, while Gimli reluctantly removed his axe from between Legolas's legs.
The group started to walk again, and Gimli mumbled to Legolas,
'I would've hit you so hard you wouldn't have known what was you'd lost.'
'Well there wasn't much point in shooting an arrow up your nose, since you have no brains to speak of.' Legolas whispered back.
'Son of a-
'THAT'S IT!! I CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE!!' yelled Frodo, shoving the Earrings into Aragorn's hands, 'you can deal with these. I'm off to the pub. C'mon, Sam.' and the two Hobbits set off.
Aragorn looked bewilderingly at the Earrings.
'What should we do Gan-
Aragorn turned round to find that Gandalf had been kidnapped and probably eaten by a pack of vampires.'
'A fine mess we are in now.' Aragorn groaned.
'Can I wear the Earrings?' asked Legolas sweetly.
The now much smaller group travelled until they reached a town, and by then it was evening. Aragorn and Gimli sat on a bench while Legolas went into town to scout around for somewhere nice to have a meal. He came back a bit later and said,
'I found a very nice pub where I was hugged by many friendly men dressed up as cowboys and sailors. Oh and there's a McDonalds.'
Aragorn and Gimli quickly chose the McDonalds.
As soon as they were sat down Gimli started moaning again.
'We would've been able to eat somewhere much nicer if Legolas hadn't spent all our money on that shampoo.'
'You've obviously never had to deal with a greasy-haired Elf, my friend.' Legolas replied smugly, munching a chip.
'I hate to change the subject,' said Aragorn, 'but I'm getting very worried about our quest. We still have a long way to go, and we're way behind schedule. I worry that Patbutcha is going to find us before we get to the Recycling Plant.'
'I wish there was a way to get there quicker.' Legolas sighed, half- heartedly playing with the toy car he'd got in his Happy Meal, before pushing it off the table and watch it trip up a member of staff.
'THAT'S IT!' cried Aragorn, jumping up and sending Coke and barbeque sauce flying everywhere, 'Legolas has given me an idea!'
'We're going to get more toy cars?' asked Legolas hopefully.
'We're going to shove Legolas off a cliff?' asked Gimli even more hopefully.
'Nope, even better!' said Aragorn, 'We're going to get a car!'
After being thrown out of about ten car-selling-places, the three companions forlornly continued their quest on foot.
'I can't understand why they wouldn't let us have a car because we told them that we were on a quest to save the world from a demon woman obsessed with ultra-tacky earrings.' Said Gimli.
'Maybe they were freaked out by Legolas's hairstyle.' Said Aragorn.
'LOOK!!!' Screamed Legolas suddenly, causing Aragorn to jump a foot into the air.
Legolas was pointing at a nearby field. And there, in the field, were some horses. In a split second the Elf was in the field petting them.
'Horses! Perfect! I'm sure no one will mind if we borrow these!' Aragorn said happily. He then went off to raid a nearby shed and came back with some riding equipment. He and Legolas began saddling up their horses, but Gimli stood perfectly still.
'THERE-IS-NO-WAY-I'M-GETTING-ON-ONE-OF-THOSE-THINGS!' he said, trembling.
'Aaaw, poor Gimlee!' cooed Legolas, running over to hug the Dwarf.
'Get away from me Legolas! I hate you.' Gimli grumbled, pushing the Elf away.
One of the horses chose that moment to comfort Gimli too, and licked him on the ear.
It is said that it took a long time for Aragorn to persuade Gimli to get off Legolas's lap, although the Elf assured Aragorn that he didn't mind, and that if his friends back at Mirkwood could see this they would have died laughing by now.
In the end they found an old wheelbarrow, which they attached with a rope to the saddle of Legolas's horse, whom he had named Twinkletoes. Aragorn had named his horse Butch. Gimli reluctantly clambered into the wheelbarrow, still mumbling angrily to himself.
Just then the very shortsighted farmer came out of his house, and was very angry to find that a Yeti, Father Christmas and the Tooth Fairy were stealing his horses. He ran up, wildly waving a pitchfork, but was confronted by the Tooth Fairy.
'How dare you leave horses out in a field on their own like this!' said Legolas, slapping the surprised farmer in the face, 'Shame on you!' And with that he flicked his hair and rode away.
The farmer watched as the Tooth Fairy and the Yeti rode off into the distance with Father Christmas in tow, and he promised never to drink again.
The three companions continued their quest with new enthusiasm, their spirits uplifted now that they had horses. Legolas sang an Elvish song as they went along:
"Dooyu reelly lyke it,
Issit issit wicked,
We're lovinit lovinit lovinit,
We're lovinit lyke this…"
He was on the 623rd verse when he suddenly stopped, his ears pricked up.
'There is something in the bushes.' He whispered.
Sure enough, one of the bushes was twitching. The Elf crept towards it, peering through the leaves. Then he reached in, and pulled out, to everyone's surprise, a small dragon.
Aragorn, Gimli and Legolas crowded round the dragon.
'It's so cute!' said Legolas.
'Can we eat it?' asked Gimli.
'Hullo there, sweetie!' said Aragorn, reaching out to pet it.
'Roar.' Said the dragon, attaching itself to Aragorn's nose.
'Eeeek! Get it off me! Get it off me!' Aragorn shouted, running around and flapping his hands.
Legolas and Gimli stood laughing hysterically, and after a while they decided to help.
By late afternoon the group, along with their new member, the dragon, who after a lot of arguing had been named Rover, were approaching another town. Rover had now been securely fastened to a leash, as he had acquired a taste for noses, and was riding in the wheelbarrow along with Gimli.
They came to a large building, surrounded by an even larger car park. Legolas squinted at it for a moment, then jumped off his horse.
'Oh wow it's a shopping centre! Can we go shopping?? Oh can we can we pleeeeaase!!!' he shouted, jumping up and down and tugging on Gimli's beard with excitement.
Aragorn looked doubtful. 'Well I don't think we really have time-
'For god's sake Aragorn, let him go shopping before he pulls my face off!' Gimli moaned.
'Oh alright.' Aragorn sighed, 'But this time tell me before you buy anything, Legolas.'
It was a very frantic shopping trip, as Legolas bounded from shop to shop so fast that Aragorn and Gimli were having a lot of trouble keeping up with him. In the end it was only Legolas who made a purchase (Aragorn and Gimli spent the whole time running after him). He had bought the latest brand of arrows.
'Extra pointy.' He said, grinning.
They were on their way out when suddenly Aragorn stopped. His face expression was one of pure terror. He opened his mouth but no words escaped him. He simply pointed at the "Cheap 'n' Cheerful Jewellery Store", and there, looking with relish at some truly horrendous earrings, was Patbutcha.
When Aragorn's voice returned to him he whispered,
'When I give the word, walk, as quietly as you can, to the-
'RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!' Screamed Gimli, hurling himself out of the door, closely followed by Legolas.
All three of them ran out to the car park, only to find that a security woman was inspecting Rover and the horses.
'Are these your, er… things, sir?' she asked Aragorn.
'Yes they are.' Gasped Aragorn, 'Is there a problem?'
'Yes. They're parked in a Disabled spot.' She replied sternly.
'That's because one of us is disabled!' said Legolas, kneeing Gimli in the crotch. Gimli crumpled to the floor.
'See! Look at him, he can't walk! Poor Gimli!' The Elf continued, watching Gimli writhe around on the floor.
'Er, yes, quite.' Said Aragorn. 'And besides, we're on a very important mission.'
'And what mission would that be?' The security woman asked, folding her arms.
'We are on a mission to save the world from the evil Patbutcha by casting The Earrings into the Great Recycling Plant…. Er, where are the Earrings?' said Aragorn, looking around.
'No, Twinkletoes! Drop! Bad horse!' Legolas was shouting at Twinkletoes, who had been chewing on the Earrings for quite a while.
With some difficulty Legolas retrieved the Earrings.
'Here they are!' he said, waving the slobber-covered Earrings in front of the security woman's face, 'Straight from the horse's mouth! Ha ha!'
The security woman took at the Earrings and ran away in fright.
So the Fellowship of the Earrings continued their journey, and Gimli refused to speak to Legolas for the rest of the day.
The group awoke early the next morning. Legolas was up quicker than the others, as he had quickly discovered that someone had put a scorpion in his trousers.
'Revenge is sweet.' Cackled Gimli, watching the Elf frantically hopping around.
After Legolas finally managed to sort himself out by taking a running jump into the nearest lake and drowning the unfortunate scorpion, the group set off.
The now extremely sulky and embarrassed Legolas was attempting to dry out his hair, but wasn't having much luck. After a while Gimli began to feel sorry for Legolas and offered him his portable hairdryer, which the Elf gladly accepted, and cheered up a great deal after that.
After a while the group came across a large river.
'Our destination lies somewhere down stream.' Said Aragorn, 'We shall need some boats.'
'Look! Over there!' said Legolas. He was pointing to a small building a little way off. It had the words "Rent-a-Boat" written across it.
'Isn't it weird how everything we need always appears exactly when we want it?' said Aragorn.
'Yeah, weird that.' Said Gimli.
It turned out that they only had enough money for two boats, and Aragorn quickly decided who would go in which boat: he and Rover in one, Gimli and Legolas in the other.
'I would have preferred the dragon.' Grumbled Gimli.
'You smell.' Replied Legolas.
As the fat man at the desk handed them their tickets, he noticed Legolas's soaking wet clothes.
'You sure the Elf needs a boat, guv?' the fat man asked Aragorn, 'Looks like he's wet enough already!'
'Ha ha.' Said Legolas darkly, and glowered at the man in his scary wide- eyed Elfy sort of way.
The fat man quickly shut up.
The group decided, as they walked towards their boats, that they had no choice but to set their faithful horses, Butch and Twinkletoes, free.
'They have been good friends.' Said Aragorn, removing the horses' saddles.
'Good riddance.' Said Gimli.
'I'll miss you!' sobbed Legolas.
'FREEDOM!' said the horses in horse language, and galloped away, never to be seen again.
Legolas stood there crying for quite a while, before Aragorn gently said to him,
'Get into the boat, you stupid Elf.'
The three companions hadn't rowed far down the river before Legolas and Gimli started annoying each other again.
'Row row row your boat, gently down the stream…' Legolas was singing loudly.
Gimli shouted, 'Legolas! Shut up, move over, and get your stupid bow out of my-
'AAAARRGH!!' yelled Aragorn suddenly, 'A shark!!!'
'A shark? In a lake? No way!' said Legolas, before he saw a large fin heading straight towards him.
He jumped up, wobbled, lost his balance, and fell into the river.
As soon as he was underwater, Legolas panicked and tried to swim upwards, only to hit his head on the bottom of the boat. As he sank he saw the shark heading towards him. He also saw a mermaid sitting on the riverbed, who laughed at him and started singing the theme from Jaws.
'It's unusual for an Elf to be so clumsy,' said a familiar voice, 'You must be spending too much time in the company of Dwarves.'
'Gandalf?!' Legolas gurgled.
'The very same!' said the shark, swimming underneath Legolas and towing him back to the surface.
Gimli helped the Elf back into the boat.
'Legolas! Are you all right? I was so worri- Er, I mean, you're stupid.'
But Legolas wasn't fooled. 'Thank you Gimli.' He said, 'You may find this hard to believe, but that shark is Gandalf!'
'On this quest? No, I don't find that hard to believe at all.' Said Aragorn. He looked at the shark, who had his nose poking out of the water. 'Is it really you, Gandalf? We thought you were killed by vampires!'
'Ah, but those folk who kidnapped me weren't vampires!' said the shark that was Gandalf, 'They were the Great Shark People. After carrying me around for a while they told me that they would only let me go if I agreed to become one of them. So I agreed, and now I am Gandalf the Great White Shark! And I can change from Wizard to shark at will.'
Will you not ride with us, Gandalf?' asked Aragorn, 'As you see we are still on our quest, although I'm afraid that Frodo and Sam have left us.'
'I shall stay in the water and swim beside you.' Said Gandalf, '…Is that a dragon?'
'Yes, this Rover!' said Aragorn, holding up the dragon, who blew a few smoke rings then playfully tried to claw Aragorn's eyes out. 'He doesn't do much, but he's kinda cool.' Aragorn hastily put Rover down.
'Very interesting.' Said Gandalf, 'Shall we?'
And the group set off down the river.
The companions travelled for a few hours, and then found the river leading them through a small village. Suddenly they heard voices calling them. To their surprise they saw none other than Frodo and Sam, standing on the bank and waving frantically. The group quickly rowed over to the Hobbits and greeted them warmly, and a lot of questions involving the words what, where, why and how were asked, until Sam suddenly spotted the shark.
'Eeeek! Tis a giant fishy with teeeeth!!' he yelled.
'Is that any way to speak to an old friend?' said Gandalf, and he morphed into his Wizard form. He looked exactly the same as he used to, except that he now had long pointy teeth.
'Gandalf!' gasped Frodo, 'But how-
'Please don't make me explain it again!' Gandalf groaned, 'I've already had to explain it to Legolas five times…'
'How did you two get so far before us?' Legolas asked, changing the subject.
'We hitched a lift with this guy.' Replied Frodo, pointing to a creature that looked like the result of a bizarre experiment involving a monkey and a fog.
'Lo. I is Gollum.' Said the creature.
Gollum looked at Frodo and Sam's friends with uncertainty, but when he saw Legolas a strange look came into his large fish-like eyes.
'Prrrretty Elffff…' he purred.
'Huh?' said Legolas.
Before anyone could stop him, Gollum jumped forward and wrapped his long arms round Legolas's leg.
'Nice Elf. Lovely Elf. What is Elfy's name?'
'Uh, Legolas.' Said Legolas, trying to shake Gollum off.
'Leeee-goooo-lassss. Boooootyful name!'
'I'm sure I read somewhere that Gollum was supposed to hate Elves…' said Gandalf.
'Who cares? This is much more entertaining!' chuckled Gimli.
Leaving Legolas to wrestle with the lovestruck Gollum, Frodo turned to Aragorn and said,
'Gollum knows the shortest and safest path to the Great Recycling Plant. Our quest shall soon be at an end.'
'Yeah, let's hope. This has been dragging on for long enough- er, I mean… yes, indeed.' Aragorn replied.
'Have you seen Merry and Pippin anywhere?' Frodo asked hopefully.
'Nope. They've well and truly bogged off.'
Suddenly Gandalf appeared beside them, making them jump.
'Well I'm afraid we won't be going anywhere fast, as Legolas has kindly punched our guide in the face and has knocked him out cold.'
'He was messing with my hair!' The Elf protested, 'NO ONE messes with my hair!!'
'Aren't Elves marvellous creatures.' Gandalf sighed, and turning to the rest of the group said,
'Fish and chips, anyone?'
The reunited Fellowship spent the night in a hotel (Gollum had to be strapped into bed as he kept trying to sneak into Legolas's room). In the morning they picked Rover up from the kennels (the owner was slightly angry as the dragon had eaten two cats and a small dog during his stay), and then set off on the last part of their journey, Gollum leading the way, and occasionally trying to hold Legolas's hand.
Frodo was right when he said that Gollum knew the safest path, as it was an uneventful journey, and strangely quiet too, as Gimli and Legolas seemed to have ceased arguing with each other, mainly because Gimli was content just watching Legolas being harassed by Gollum.
It wasn't long before they finally beheld the Great Recycling Plant. It was a large, ugly grey building, and loud clunky noises were coming from deep inside it. The group calmly negotiated their way inside. In other words, Gimli smashed all the security cameras, while Gandalf turned all the guards into beetles. They then made their way through the Recycling Plant, all the while enduring Legolas's loud singing:
"War, HUH! What is it good for? Absolutely nothing!…"
Until they finally reached their destination, the Great Furnace at the centre of the Plant.
The Fellowship of the Earrings stood silently, wearing their safety goggles.
'You should be the one to do this, Frodo.' Said Aragorn, handing Frodo the Earrings.
'Oh I have to do everything round here, don't I?!' the Hobbit grumbled, taking the Earrings.
'But not before making a pointless speech!' Legolas piped up.
'Ah yes, indeed.' Frodo said, clearing his throat, 'I do hereby cast these accursed Earrings into the fiery pits of-
'Oh no you don't!' growled a voice.
And out of the shadows came Patbutcha.
'Hold your ground! The enemy approaches!' Gandalf shouted.
There was pandemonium as everyone tried to get away from the frightening demon woman.
'Mummy!' screamed Gimli, running blindly into Aragorn, knocking him over.
'Protect Frodo!' Gandalf called desperately, 'She must not get the Earrings!'
Legolas timidly shot an arrow at Patbutcha, but it bounced off her thick skin and made her even angrier. She turned and charged towards Legolas. Gollum saw what was happening and he shrieked,
'No one hurts my Legolassss!!' and he jumped onto Patbutcha's back and covered her eyes with his large hands.
Patbutcha roared with fury and flung Gollum away from her. Gollum went flying, and would have fallen straight into the Furnace had he not grabbed onto its rim just in time. But the surface was slippery and he could not get a good hold on it. He was slowly slipping into the churning fires of the Great Furnace.
'Help me! Save me!' he whined.
Legolas peered through his smudgy safety goggles, wondering how he could help the poor creature from so far away.
'Ah, to hell with these!' he said, taking off the goggles and throwing them over his shoulder. They hit Sam on the head and knocked him out, but no one noticed.
Legolas grabbed some rope and fastened one end to an arrow, which he shot, holding on tightly to the other end of the rope. The arrow landed near Gollum's hands, and he quickly pulled himself to safety. Despite the danger Gollum ran towards Legolas with open arms.
'You saves me! You saves Gollumses life!' he said, hugging the Elf.
'Yeah yeah, no need to get all soppy,' said Legolas, 'we have more important things to worry about. Look!'
Patbutcha had realised that it was Frodo who had the Earrings, and was now chasing the Hobbit, ignoring anyone else. She batted Gimli and Aragorn's attacks away like flies, and none of Gandalf's spells were having any effect on her. Rover was buzzing around Patbutcha's head, and with a well- aimed snort of flame, the brave dragon managed to set her hair on fire. Patbutcha panicked and shook her head vigorously, and disaster struck. One of Patbutcha's massive earrings swung round and knocked Frodo off his feet. The Earrings flew up into the air, and in one swift movement Patbutcha caught them in her hand.
The Earth stood still.
'We are doomed.' Said Gandalf.
'They're mine! They are finally mine!!' Patbutcha gurgled, clutching The Earrings.
The Fellowship of the Earrings were frozen with despair. But suddenly two small figures ran into view.
It was Merry and Pippin.
'Hullo!' said Merry, 'I thought- whoops!'
He tripped over himself and fell against Patbutcha.
'NOOOOOO!!' screamed Patbutcha, trying to regain her balance. But it was too late. Patbutcha, along with The Earrings, fell into the Great Furnace, and was never seen again.
Not noticing what had just happened, Merry continued, 'I thought you lot would be coming here, so we decided to meet you here. Have we missed anything?'
'Quite the opposite.' Said Gandalf, 'You've just saved the world.'
'Have I? Well how about that!' the Hobbit exclaimed, 'Hey, did ya hear that, Pip? I just saved the world!'
'Oh, good for you, Merry!' Pippin replied.
'I feel faint.' Said Legolas, collapsing onto the floor.
After celebrating with the biggest booze-fest in history, the Fellowship staggered off to their homes, and after taking a few months out to recover from their hangovers, they went their separate ways to pursue their ambitions. Gandalf became a famous teacher at the Warthogs school for young wizards. Aragorn formed a rock band called 'Iron Goblin', and drove many people insane. Rover returned to the wild and since then anyone who has met him has left without a nose. Gimli stayed at home and drank beer. Legolas became a best-selling writer, and his autobiographical novel entitled 'Blond Elves Have More Fun' won him many awards. Gollum returned to his cave, which remained the same except for his new computer with Internet access, which he used to send Legolas love letters by email everyday, but strangely the Elf never replied.
As for the Hobbits, they returned to The Shire to continue their quiet lifestyle.
Only joking. They became multi-millionaire superstars and lived happily ever after.
THE END.