THE PARTS OF VALMAR YOU NEVER SAW
Chris and Andy
DISCLAIMER: None of these characters belong to us (me and Chris). They belong to
Game Arts or whoever. Blah blah blah I don't think I have to expound upon this any
further.
I wrote this chapter, with Chris as a 'creative consultant'. Chapter 3 coming soon.
Chapter 2: Anatomically Correct?
"Damn."
"Ryudo!" shouted Elena. "Why do you always have to say that?"
"I'll say whatever I damn well wanna say."
"Please, we're in a holy city! Show some respect!"
"Gah, I hate this town. I hate the pope. I hate god."
"I'm sorry, Ryudo, but we needed supplies badly, and this was the nearest town."
"And it's all Mareg's fault, too. Damned idiot, always using all the damned soap
and complaining about the damned SMELL all the time."
Elena mused. "Maybe I should check in with the pope while we're here."
"Stupid damn pope."
"Ryudo, stop that!"
"I'll stop whatever I damned well wanna stop, and no god-damn half-wit prissy
choirgirl is gonna..."
Tio sighed. "Oh, god, they're at it again. I hate my life."
"I can't believe those two," said Mareg. "And...hey, wait, Tio, why do you have
emotions all of a sudden?"
Tio considered a moment. "I'm...not quite sure."
"What in blazes is going on??? In the last fic, you were emotionless and
following orders, and now you're complaining about Ryudo and Elena. This makes no
sense. I mean, if you do have emotions, shouldn't I have already died?
Roan piped up. "Yeah, which also brings up another good point. How is it that
all of us are here at the same time? I thought the game only allowed 4 party members at
once!"
Millenia chimed in. "And, also, how are me and Elena both here at the same
time? Just where in the game are we???"
In the background there were sounds of intense battle punctuated by occasional
grunts and 'damns' as Ryudo and Elena beat the living crap out of each other.
"Wait, I know!" exclaimed Mareg. "Roan, what are you wearing?"
"Come again?" Roan asked.
Millenia caught on. "Yes, that's right! If Roan is wearing his Happy Adventure
Boy outfit, then this is before he left at Cyrum Kingdom. If he is wearing his
womanly...er, kingly robes, then this is after that."
"Um, actually, right now, I'm wearing my Slutty Schoolgirl costume."
Millenia's face grows red. "Hey, you little creep, that's mine! Give it back!"
Millenia began chasing Roan around and around in circles. Then Elena walked
up, dragging a broken and bruised Ryudo behind her.
"Hey, guys, what's up?"
"How is Master Ryudo?" asked Tio.
"'Master' Ryudo??" said Mareg incredulously. "Now you're back to being
emotionless again? And I thought I was your master?!"
Tio shrugged. "You SMELL bad."
Mareg's mouth gapes open in horror. "I...I SMELL???"
Tio nodded.
"NO!" cried Mareg. "It isn't true! I bathe regularly!"
"Yeah, we hadn't noticed," retorted the injured Ryudo. Elena wacked him upside
the head and he passed out. Mareg curled up into a ball and started crying.
Suddenly, doors of the cathedral burst open, and Oro came walking out, retching
and convulsing in an oddly Bill-the-Cat kind of way. There was a big glowing black
spot on his lower abdomen.
"Oh, it SMELLS!" cried Mareg.
Roan held his nose. "It wasn't me this time, I swear!"
"Why don't you shut your damn mouth, smartass!"
"Ryudo, what did I tell you about using those words?" said Elena, brandishing her
heavy iron staff. Ryudo screamed like a little girl and hid underneath a rock. Elena
smiled evilly.
"What have you done to my poor Ryudo?" asked Millenia angrily.
"Um, excuse me. I think that you've forgotten somebody."
They all looked up at Oro.
"Um, and who would that be?" asked Millenia.
"Um, well...me."
"And just who exactly are you?"
"I am..." *dramatic pause* "The Spleen of Valmar!!!!"
*long silence*
"Um, what is a Spleen?" Tio asked.
"Well, Tio," says Mareg, patting the automata's head, "A spleen is like a heart,
only less...um, useful."
"Useful?!" said Millenia incredulously. "Does a spleen actually do anything?"
"Well, I'm sure it must serve some purpose," said Elena. "Why else would it be an
organ?"
"Dammit, I wish I could remember my biology class," said Roan.
"Roan!!!!" Elena exploded. "DON'T USE THAT LANGUAGE!!!!!!"
Elena picked up her mighty rod of death and proceeded to chase Roan with it,
swinging it around in the air. Ryudo smiled vengefully from underneath his rock. Under
his breath, he said, "Ha, stupid idiot. He's too damn young to have been in biology class,
damned pansy."
"I heard that, Ryudo!" shouted Elena.
"Oh, DAMN!" Ryudo scrambled out from under the rock to escape Elena, but she
caught him by the ear and dragged him away.
"Elena, stop that!" said Millenia. "Can't you see that you're hurting him? Can't
you see that he never loved you anyway? Can't you see that you never had a chance
against me?"
Elena falls to the ground and starts sobbing.
"You'd take me over her any day, wouldn't you, Ryudo?" said Millenia, latching
onto Ryudo's arm.
"Um, well, that is to say...er, I can't really decide."
Millenia suddenly turns a bright shade of red and goes into her Rage.
"FINE THEN I'LL JUST HAVE TO DECIDE FOR YOU!!!!"
Roan sighed, and said to Mareg and Tio: "This is turning into a poorly-done
episode of Tenchi Muyo."
Millenia proceeded to blast Elena with Fallen Wings, eat her with the Tongue,
confused her with the Eye, crush her with the Claws, hit her with the Body,and
step on her with the Foot.
"It SMELLS!" shouted Mareg.
"ouch" said Elena.
"Hey, what about me???" said the Spleen.
Roan kneels down before it. "Please, before we fight you, grant us, oh Spleen,
one small question."
"OK, fine, go ahead."
"Um, what does a Spleen actually do?"
"Do? What does a Spleen do? You've gotta be pretty stupid if you don't know
that! Spleens...well, um, that is to say...we spleen."
"Ah, I see," said Roan.
Then Ryudo lost it. He shouted, "Stupid damn talking organs always so damn full
of themselves, thinking they're the center of the goddamn universe! I hate you. Die."
Ryudo killed the Spleen. All that was left of it was a small slimy black sliver
laying on the ground.
"Eeewwww, I don't wanna absorb that thing!" said Millenia.
"But you have to!" Elena commanded.
"Ugh, fine."
Millenia bent over it, made some loud eating and gagging noises, then
nonchalantly kicked it into a pond, where several fish came and ate it and promptly died
of severe poisoning.
-Written by Andy U.
-Typed and Edited by Andy U.
-Proofread by Chris
Chris and Andy
DISCLAIMER: None of these characters belong to us (me and Chris). They belong to
Game Arts or whoever. Blah blah blah I don't think I have to expound upon this any
further.
I wrote this chapter, with Chris as a 'creative consultant'. Chapter 3 coming soon.
Chapter 2: Anatomically Correct?
"Damn."
"Ryudo!" shouted Elena. "Why do you always have to say that?"
"I'll say whatever I damn well wanna say."
"Please, we're in a holy city! Show some respect!"
"Gah, I hate this town. I hate the pope. I hate god."
"I'm sorry, Ryudo, but we needed supplies badly, and this was the nearest town."
"And it's all Mareg's fault, too. Damned idiot, always using all the damned soap
and complaining about the damned SMELL all the time."
Elena mused. "Maybe I should check in with the pope while we're here."
"Stupid damn pope."
"Ryudo, stop that!"
"I'll stop whatever I damned well wanna stop, and no god-damn half-wit prissy
choirgirl is gonna..."
Tio sighed. "Oh, god, they're at it again. I hate my life."
"I can't believe those two," said Mareg. "And...hey, wait, Tio, why do you have
emotions all of a sudden?"
Tio considered a moment. "I'm...not quite sure."
"What in blazes is going on??? In the last fic, you were emotionless and
following orders, and now you're complaining about Ryudo and Elena. This makes no
sense. I mean, if you do have emotions, shouldn't I have already died?
Roan piped up. "Yeah, which also brings up another good point. How is it that
all of us are here at the same time? I thought the game only allowed 4 party members at
once!"
Millenia chimed in. "And, also, how are me and Elena both here at the same
time? Just where in the game are we???"
In the background there were sounds of intense battle punctuated by occasional
grunts and 'damns' as Ryudo and Elena beat the living crap out of each other.
"Wait, I know!" exclaimed Mareg. "Roan, what are you wearing?"
"Come again?" Roan asked.
Millenia caught on. "Yes, that's right! If Roan is wearing his Happy Adventure
Boy outfit, then this is before he left at Cyrum Kingdom. If he is wearing his
womanly...er, kingly robes, then this is after that."
"Um, actually, right now, I'm wearing my Slutty Schoolgirl costume."
Millenia's face grows red. "Hey, you little creep, that's mine! Give it back!"
Millenia began chasing Roan around and around in circles. Then Elena walked
up, dragging a broken and bruised Ryudo behind her.
"Hey, guys, what's up?"
"How is Master Ryudo?" asked Tio.
"'Master' Ryudo??" said Mareg incredulously. "Now you're back to being
emotionless again? And I thought I was your master?!"
Tio shrugged. "You SMELL bad."
Mareg's mouth gapes open in horror. "I...I SMELL???"
Tio nodded.
"NO!" cried Mareg. "It isn't true! I bathe regularly!"
"Yeah, we hadn't noticed," retorted the injured Ryudo. Elena wacked him upside
the head and he passed out. Mareg curled up into a ball and started crying.
Suddenly, doors of the cathedral burst open, and Oro came walking out, retching
and convulsing in an oddly Bill-the-Cat kind of way. There was a big glowing black
spot on his lower abdomen.
"Oh, it SMELLS!" cried Mareg.
Roan held his nose. "It wasn't me this time, I swear!"
"Why don't you shut your damn mouth, smartass!"
"Ryudo, what did I tell you about using those words?" said Elena, brandishing her
heavy iron staff. Ryudo screamed like a little girl and hid underneath a rock. Elena
smiled evilly.
"What have you done to my poor Ryudo?" asked Millenia angrily.
"Um, excuse me. I think that you've forgotten somebody."
They all looked up at Oro.
"Um, and who would that be?" asked Millenia.
"Um, well...me."
"And just who exactly are you?"
"I am..." *dramatic pause* "The Spleen of Valmar!!!!"
*long silence*
"Um, what is a Spleen?" Tio asked.
"Well, Tio," says Mareg, patting the automata's head, "A spleen is like a heart,
only less...um, useful."
"Useful?!" said Millenia incredulously. "Does a spleen actually do anything?"
"Well, I'm sure it must serve some purpose," said Elena. "Why else would it be an
organ?"
"Dammit, I wish I could remember my biology class," said Roan.
"Roan!!!!" Elena exploded. "DON'T USE THAT LANGUAGE!!!!!!"
Elena picked up her mighty rod of death and proceeded to chase Roan with it,
swinging it around in the air. Ryudo smiled vengefully from underneath his rock. Under
his breath, he said, "Ha, stupid idiot. He's too damn young to have been in biology class,
damned pansy."
"I heard that, Ryudo!" shouted Elena.
"Oh, DAMN!" Ryudo scrambled out from under the rock to escape Elena, but she
caught him by the ear and dragged him away.
"Elena, stop that!" said Millenia. "Can't you see that you're hurting him? Can't
you see that he never loved you anyway? Can't you see that you never had a chance
against me?"
Elena falls to the ground and starts sobbing.
"You'd take me over her any day, wouldn't you, Ryudo?" said Millenia, latching
onto Ryudo's arm.
"Um, well, that is to say...er, I can't really decide."
Millenia suddenly turns a bright shade of red and goes into her Rage.
"FINE THEN I'LL JUST HAVE TO DECIDE FOR YOU!!!!"
Roan sighed, and said to Mareg and Tio: "This is turning into a poorly-done
episode of Tenchi Muyo."
Millenia proceeded to blast Elena with Fallen Wings, eat her with the Tongue,
confused her with the Eye, crush her with the Claws, hit her with the Body,and
step on her with the Foot.
"It SMELLS!" shouted Mareg.
"ouch" said Elena.
"Hey, what about me???" said the Spleen.
Roan kneels down before it. "Please, before we fight you, grant us, oh Spleen,
one small question."
"OK, fine, go ahead."
"Um, what does a Spleen actually do?"
"Do? What does a Spleen do? You've gotta be pretty stupid if you don't know
that! Spleens...well, um, that is to say...we spleen."
"Ah, I see," said Roan.
Then Ryudo lost it. He shouted, "Stupid damn talking organs always so damn full
of themselves, thinking they're the center of the goddamn universe! I hate you. Die."
Ryudo killed the Spleen. All that was left of it was a small slimy black sliver
laying on the ground.
"Eeewwww, I don't wanna absorb that thing!" said Millenia.
"But you have to!" Elena commanded.
"Ugh, fine."
Millenia bent over it, made some loud eating and gagging noises, then
nonchalantly kicked it into a pond, where several fish came and ate it and promptly died
of severe poisoning.
-Written by Andy U.
-Typed and Edited by Andy U.
-Proofread by Chris