"Oh God," was Sulu's only response, voice breaking at the end. Emotions caught in his throat, he decided to not talk at all lest he betray himself. Uhura on the other hand, had no qualms. As she began to sob, drawing the attention of other patrons of the café, she was only muffled by Sulu's full comforting embrace. As he hugged her, Kirk almost felt like an intruder on a funeral when he realized that deep down, in the place where he always hid his emotions ever since he had been a captain, the same emotions that he saw on Sulu's and Uhura's faces were hiding there.
Pain, shock, sorrow, anger at the universe, disbelief, it was all there. After realizing that, Kirk felt more like a father, looking at two distraught children. He wished McCoy, Spock, or Scotty was there with him. He knew for a fact that they would feel the same way as he did. While their hearts would be simply torn out of them, Uhura's and Sulu's were also being danced upon by a particularly vengeful Fate.
Kirk braced himself to say something along the line of 'he knew what he was getting into when he signed up for the service', something McCoy had said to him about the same young man years ago, when he heard half-coherent speech coming from Uhura.
"Don't you remember, Sulu?" she questioned, "Don't you remember when we told him, we ordered him, to take care of himself and come back home safe? He said he would, but he lied! God I hate him! You always said that he told you once when you were both drunk that he'd do anything just to make you and me happy. Do you think he ever considered staying alive one of those things that would keep us happy? Do you think he did Hikaru?"
Pushing Uhura away, Sulu took her face in his hands and locked his dusky eyes with hers. "Uhura, you're upset, I won't begrudge you of that, but you know that Chekov was only doing his job. When we told him that we were all going to teach at the Academy, you saw the expression on his face. He didn't want to be with us teaching Uhura. What was he going to do? Be miserable teaching navigation here or the right way to sacrifice yourself for the rest of your team at the Security Academy in Annapolis? He wouldn't have wanted to be here Nyota, just like the Admiral. He was happier on the Reliant then he could have ever been here. He still felt like he had something to prove to us, or himself, or both, and he would never been able to do that here with us. You know I'm right."
Sulu had obviously forgotten, in his anger and sorrow, that Kirk was still sitting no more then a few feet away from him. If he had, Sulu would have never knowingly made the quip about Kirk not belonging on Earth. God only knew he got enough of that from McCoy, he didn't need the best helmsman in the fleet ganging up on him as well. Kirk noticed the discreet movement of people as they fled the tables near the officers. Not that he cared. Kirk felt that maybe is presence would help ease the pain that Uhura and Sulu were going through, having had his fair share of it in his own life.
"I just don't want him to be gone." Uhura sniffed and Sulu hugged her again, tightly closing his eyes as Uhura expressed everything he couldn't.
"We still don't know for sure what happened," Kirk tried to give them a ray of hope to grasp on to. "They could have just been damaged." Even to his own ears, it sounded pitiful.
As Uhura looked up, her tears spent, at Kirk, he felt her sorrow as a tangible thing that came to slap him in the face. Sulu, released from his job as someone to beat up on, abruptly stood. "I have to go. Would you please take care of Uhura, Admiral?" Kirk could see the anger in Sulu's eyes, despite the fact that he turned his head quickly to avoid Kirk's knowing face. Of all the people that shouldn't be alone right now, Kirk wished he could send someone to be with Sulu.
Cliques were always formed on starships, and when a nervous, dark-haired, young Russian came on to the Enterprise, Kirk had never expected him to become fast friends with Sulu. They bounced of each other beautifully, Sulu's over exuberance to Chekov's more depressive nature. Sulu's ability to state his opinion to anyone at any time compared to Chekov's reservations about telling any thing about himself. Sulu was probably the only person on the bridge crew that really knew anything about Chekov. Kirk had been surprised during one mission, when Klingons invaded the ship, and a being of unknown origin caused the crew to hallucinate. Looking back on that incident later, Kirk remembered Sulu first realizing something was wrong when Chekov declared he had a brother, Piotr, and Sulu knew for a fact that Chekov was an only child. When writing the report on the incident, Kirk had halted in that part of his memory, perplexed when he tried to think about what he really did know about his navigator. Precious little, that was what.
He still knew little more about the young man's past, but took a distinct predilection to figure out what he could about the reserved Russian's attitude and feelings towards life. No matter what he did learn, Sulu was the only person that Chekov used as a confidant, something that Kirk knew the helmsman felt flattered for.
"Hikaru, you're sure?" Kirk wanted to give the Asian a chance to use someone as a sounding board.
"I'm sure, just take care of Uhura, please?" Sulu didn't turn around as he asked the question. Kirk took Uhura's hand, as she sat in silent pain, now not only for her loss, but for Sulu, and said,
"I will. If you need anything-" Kirk was cut off when Sulu started walking, purposefully, away from the other two at the table.
Having been stymied off by the outbursts from the table, a waiter cautiously came into the range of Kirk's gaze. Fishing a gold card out of his pocket, Kirk gave it to the young man indicating that the tab be put on his account. Quickly running through a scanner-type device, the server handed the card back to Kirk without a word. Sliding it back into his pocket, Kirk stood up, and Uhura did the same mindlessly following the upward movement of her hand still entangled in Kirk's.
"Come on, Uhura. Let's go."
"I-I want to see if I can help find out what really happened. Please, Admiral?" Uhura's voice was soft like a child's, and Kirk knew he would let her do anything if she thought it would help her.
"Of course. We can go back to my office and see what we can do." Uhura nodded, automatically answering with a,
"Yes, sir." As Kirk led her to the transport that would take them to his office, he couldn't help but think that he should be doing more, especially for a certain ex-helmsman.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Sulu was able to stay strong long enough to make it to the threshold of his apartment. Being a sucker for the old-fashioned, it had taken him forever to find a building that was authentic enough for his tastes. Placing his shaking hand on the scanner to unlock his manual door, he waited for the machine to recognize him and unlock the door. With the slightest of clicks the complicated series of tumblers and more updated locking components slid apart and he grasped the handle tightly, turned it, and let himself into the room.
Taking care to close the door completely behind him, Sulu finally released his bottled up emotions, sliding down to the floor against the door. Slamming a closed fist on the carpeted floor, Sulu gasped for air as the sobbing that had claimed Uhura grabbed him. Sobbing for a time, like a lost soul unable to find it's way to the relative comfort of the underworld, Sulu sat like a crumpled doll on the floor. His normally boundless energy only served him by extending the time he simply sat, crying.
God, why did it have to be him? Sulu implored of the universe. After everything he's been through his whole life, he was the one person on this planet that deserved to have a little happiness come his way. There was supposed to be a balance in this universe, ying and yang, which exist in co-harmony. When you have a horrible day, you could think 'Hey, that's my ying! I can look foreword to the great day I'll have my healthy dose of yang'. Pavel had so many years of being scared, of worrying about things that no one should have had to worry about at his age, that it was time for the universe to finally throw something good his way. There were so many things that he never got to do, simply because he was too busy trying to be something that he wasn't, that by the time he actually realized that it was OK to be himself, something like this has to happen. When he finally realized that he didn't just have to try to survive, but live with me and Uhura and so many other people that love him, but no, he had to go and get himself killed.
Doing what he does best. Probably throwing himself in the way of a phaser beam to save someone that he doesn't even know. Just as long as that person treated him halfway decently. They didn't have to treat him with the respect he deserved, no, all they had to do was not beat the crap out of him and he'd be happy.
Sulu didn't rise from his position for hours; reliving the times Chekov had tentatively him about how he didn't know what to do around Sulu and Uhura, thinking that there was some sort of protocol that he had missed learning at the Academy about having friends. Sulu had learned that Chekov hadn't grown up in the white-picket-fence way that most of the rest of the crew had. He remembered when Uhura had asked the lonely young Russian to go on shore leave with her and Sulu after he had been on the ship for over 6 months and he had almost had a heart attack.
No one knew the things that Sulu did, and he had promised Pavel one dark night in the comfort of Sulu's quarters after a long talk about life, love, and a thousand other things that you only are willing to talk about with someone that you trust implicitly that he would never tell what secrets Chekov had entrusted him with. Sulu had secrets locked away from many people, but there were secrets, and there were secrets the size of planets. He had vowed that he would never shatter the bond of trust they shared, even after death. That's why, now, he sat on the floor, mourning, all alone.
Now, he reflected bitterly, I have an inkling of what Pavel felt.