Author's Note: Here's the last and longest chapter. Um… Due to lack of
sleep, I have nothing much to say… Sorry. There will be an epilogue after
this. Just not yet.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Nny opened his eyes. "Lemme guess. I'm dead." He stood up. Jagged wounds covered his body. He couldn't even see how disfigured his face looked. "F-fuck! That still hurts…" He felt tinges of pain on his nose bridge. He felt the crushed bones and wet boiling flesh hanging off. "Shit! Dammit! Oh damn….! This REALLY DOES HURT!" After letting his pent up hysteria out, Nny looked around wide-eyed again. "Heaven? …or hell?" It was hell. But it was an empty area. Suddenly Johnny heard a voice behind him.
"Back so soon, Nny? And this time, you're really dead. How… interesting. Nny, you are really dead this time, but it was still a fluke. I've received numerous complaints from the upper worlds that there has been a sudden unexpected shift. They demand I put you back again. Annoying, isn't it? And I was looking forwarding to observing your behavior here. Well, I'm sure this comes as no disappointment to you." It was he. Senior Diablo himself.
"You're right, I think, Mr. Satan. I didn't really want to die, but what's there going to be for me when I get back? I'm getting tired of this limbo. You know, kill, die, kill, die… By the way, can you um, fix this?" Nny asked, pointing to his injuries.
"Sure whatever." The devil raised his hand and said something spooky. The flesh wounds on Johnny's body slowly mended and the wounds closed until they disappeared. Nny smiled at the comfort of not being covered in his own entrails. The devil simply smirked. "Apparently, you're services are needed a bit longer. You'll soon expire though. Just like the rest, you will quietly die I'm sure. Funny, you really don't have much left to live for. Except maybe her. Now, if I was a creature of morals, I might suggest you use your time to help her. It seems you two have a lot in common these days. But I would suggest that you simply have fun. After all, now you know that you can't permanently die or get caught. You could go back to your old self and play like there'd be no tomorrow. Doesn't that sound fun?" the devil asked, smiling his evil smile.
"No. I don't want to be me anymore. I don't really want this mind of mine. I don't want those… things that control me. I don't even like what I think and what I do. It's become sickening." Nny folded his arms as he spoke.
"Are you saying you want change? A new life? Maybe some of the happiness the more ignorant ones around you feel?" The devil started to tempt.
"Are you joking? That wouldn't do. As messed up as my mind is, I don't think I need to get stupid to get happy. There's got to be another way…."
"I can help you Johnny. I can give you anything you want. I can-"
"Can what?! Give me a magical cure for my eternal soul or something? I don't want to be your slave either, and I don't need a quick fix. I need something that will have a more profound effect than some fucked up hocus pocus, and I want to keep all my intelligence in tact. Those rebellious voices they foster in my mind... I won't ever be slave again! YOU HEAR ME?! NEVER!!!" Johnny screamed. He retained his calmness, then shot the devil a look as cold as his own. "…And I won't die quietly."
"Oh look. Time to send you back. Little man, good luck on your own. Have… fun. Oh, by the way, after all the damage you've done to the universe by dying, the process of sending you back is well, backed up by a few months. Not that you will feel anything during that period of time. There are so many things that must be fixed. You understand, right?"
"But I had a meeting with someone today and-" Nny started. He suddenly felt himself fading. In a poof of smoke, he was out of hell and trapped in darkness. Waiting. Waiting. Unable to move. Unable to hear or see. Unable to think.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
(Seven months later…..)
He woke up. The world was there again. Unlike last time, it didn't seem so mystical anymore. And he still felt like himself, no wiser. He realized then, that he did not recognize the place he was in. 'Oh shit! This is that Fed guy's basement! Kind of funny, me being trapped in the basement of someone else… That won't last long though.' He quietly tip toed up the stairs, and opened the door silently. Painstakingly, he peered beyond the door to see that no one was around. The house was silent. He sauntered out of the house, but then took a moment to memorize the house number and what street it was on. His house wasn't that far away. He walked back home easily.
By late night he was finally back in his house. 'So, what's a person to do upon returning from the dead… twice?'
* Perhaps you feel like talking to someone? *
"Shut up. I really don't." Nny snarled, refusing to look at Reverend Meat.
* Aw, Johnny. You try so hard to ignore me and return to your own foolish agenda. But how can it be possible for you to not have anything to talk about? I sensed it when you left this world. That's not something that's supposed to happen everyday to humans, but in your case, you've gone rather unnoticed. *
"You…. You disgusting little burger toy! Why are you still here?!" Johnny screamed, grabbing the burger boy off the shelf and smashing it against the wall. It shattered instantly, and the pieces clanged against the floor. Nny went into the other room, upset as usual. He wondered where his car was. 'Shit. My books, those old paintings. Doubt I'll find them now.' Nny picked up a piece of paper from one of the shelves, and found a pen. Making himself comfortable on the dry wooden floor, he wrote.
Dear Die-ary,
I really do feel nothing now. I must be beyond redemption at this point. Death and resurrection meant nothing. I would die a hundred times and each would be more meaningless than the last. I can't change my feelings, no matter how I try. The gradual process is always interrupted by an outside force stronger than I am. I can't change what I want, but I can still never have what I want. But I can't die either. Can't live. Can't die. So no matter what, I'll always be here, writing these words thinking these thoughts and hoping for more of what will never be… I still wonder if she will come again, or try to call. But that's over. Time has elapsed, leaving me at where I stood before. I never even asked if she had forgiven me.
Johnny C.
Nny crumpled up the piece of paper and tossed it across the room. Those feelings were out now, but no one to talk to. 'You blew it again. You had her, and you lost. That should teach you just how worthless love is.' Those were his own thoughts. They were just as displeasing as the words from his external voices. He needed Nail Bunny, but that part of him was gone, drained of its energy and ability to function. He noticed it was night. He wasn't tired, but his body felt heavy and weak from returning from the underworld. He lied down on one of the flat torture devices, avoiding the metal spikes. The window was in sight, and outside, the moon. He sat up and opened it, to get a better view of the sky. The beautiful moon shining over the billions of stars hailing it. How he would love to live up in the skies, where every star was either appreciated for it's beautiful glow, or its astrological position. There was coldness up there, but not the kind that invoked malice and hatred. Only the coldness that kept the stars together, yet apart. He felt tears run down his cheeks. 'I'm crying again? Shit.' He sat up and looked towards the phone. He couldn't call her. Not after leaving for so long. But how he wished she would call him. Ease his mind. Let him find her again. ((Blatant Cowboy Bebop song reference! Right there!) He thought of how beautiful she looked on their date. She was beautiful, but not for the reason assholes and maggots think of. It was her smile, her laugh, and the connection in their words. To think he came so close to kissing her. The ache welled up in his body. That longing that had never been satisfied. He could have held her, kissed her, and it could have meant something. It was taking its toll. Even physical torture could not overcome the longing. He felt it in his heart too, when he remembered his mistake. 'Oh god. What's wrong with me? I can't go on thinking like this. The answer is still the same. If I can achieve coldness, maybe I'll never ache again.' He snickered slightly remembering things he'd heard from people his age. Pleasuring themselves in times like those, or finding temporary pleasure in any other person vulnerable to succumb to it. How could he be jealous of such a stupid quick fix? Temporary pleasure was his antithesis. He wanted nothing to do with it. Real happiness, however, seemed too far beyond reach, like the idea of redemption. Nny shuddered slightly. All that was fine with him, but why was he still so lonely? It certainly wasn't the first night that he longed for someone to confide in. Especially Devi. He liked her. He liked her.
He felt like his emotions were spinning out of control, like he could run outside and murder anyone in his path. Usually, that was what would happen, but today would be different. 'The first step towards some type of change is not to succumb to the old ways.' Johnny usually hated sleep. He still did even at that moment. But if sleeping could take him away from the dangerous passions of his mind, it was necessary. Question sleep and all it's motives. 'I hate sleeping. I hate waking up, not knowing all of what I remembered from before. But now, what good are those memories? I short rest to flush out the mind shouldn't affect my awareness too much. I can only hope.' He couldn't even remembered the last time he slept. He closed his eyes, and concentrated on not moving, and slowly drifted into his world of dreams.
He woke up a few hours later, shivering violently. He barely remembered the incoherent visions of his dreams. He felt dazed, like he had just mingled with a shit-load of hallucinogens. He was, however, happy that those feelings were gone from his mind. "But shit, why do I feel so damn cold?" He looked up and noticed he had left the window open. 'Fuck. Now I feel even worse and… * Ah-choo! * Oh jeezus.'
He stood up and scratched his head. 'Okay, so I gave myself a chill or two. I'm fine…' He was sick and tired of sitting in and pondering his defects. He knew what was wrong with himself, but what good would it do to if he didn't have the fix? He needed to get out again. It wouldn't do much, considering his lack of friends. He still felt that nagging need to get happiness in whatever way possible. He needed a Brain Freezy. He went into the main room, and grasped the door handle.
* Leaving, Nny? What do you plan to do this time? *
Nny spun around. "You?!" Indeed, Reverend Meat stood tall on the ground, completely intact. "But I just…! I just…! Shit. What's the use? I'm going to get a Brain Freezy…. Achoo!"
* God bless you, Nny. *
"Shut up."
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Nny entered the 24/7 store, prepared for the usual shit. Alone, in front of the store, just him and a freezy. It was the best plan he had. He felt more dead and sleep deprived than usual. Being resurrected wasn't easy. He went into the back, and plucked the largest cup out of the holder, quickly pushing the small horizontal lever on the machine, filling his cup with Cherry Doom. He put the top on and grabbed a straw, heading to the counter like a sleepwalker. Putting the cup on the countertop, he looked curiously at the cashier. He was asleep. 'So that's why the machine is still on this late… er, early,' Nny thought to himself. He knocked on the counter a few times. The middle-aged man awoke with a start.
"Huh?! Wha?!" He looked around from side to side, then his eyes fell on his customer. "Crud. Listen, sorry bout that. Don't go and tell my boss or anything…" He yawned and rang up the price of the icy beverage.
Nny tapped his fingers, pushing his urge to viciously slash the prick in half to the back of his mind.
The man looked back at Johnny, his sunken eyes and slumping posture. "Hey kid, get some rest. You look worse than I do. Oh! That'll be three dollars and forty-two cents."
"That sounds better than I feel. Here." Nny reached into his pocket and pulled out three dollars and thirty cents worth in change. "Ugh…? Fuck! I just…! Arg…"
"Well, I've made my mistakes, as I'm sure you know. Just give me what you've got. That'll be fine," he said, pushing the cup towards Johnny.
"….Well…. as long as it's not for sympathy… and I really am thirsty…" Nny pushed the change forward. "So, what's a generally friendly person like you working in this cesspool?"
"Well, I've never really been big on working. And I guess I wasn't creative or rich enough to make it like I wanted to. It's a disappointing situation, really."
"So you're an artist of some kind?" Nny asked sleepily, semi interested.
"I guess. Yeah. My work ain't that great. I met this young woman just a few weeks ago, she was an amazing artist. She said she's had tons of problems, but she was so talented. Used work for a publishing company, Nerve I think, making covers and illustrations and such."
Nny's brain clicked in, and he pounded both hands on the counter. "Who?! Do you remember her name?!" He picked up the Brain Freezy, removed the straw and top, and started to take a sip.
"Uh… not really… Debbie, or was it Deli, no that's stupid…" he said, rubbing his chin in thought.
Nny choked and downed the icy sugar beverage in one gulp. 'Big mistake…' he thought, cringing as his mouth and head froze over. He took a moment to warm up again, and then looked back to the clerk. "Devi?" Johnny asked, rather compulsively.
"Yeah! That's it!"
Johnny stomped his boot up on the counter and grabbed the clerk's shirt. "Do you know where Nerve Publishing is?!"
"It's in my address book, but…." He took it out reluctantly with a pen. Johnny grabbed them both, flipped to the section, and scribbled it on his hand. "Uh, sir, I really didn't want to…"
"Oh! Yes, sorry, here's your book and pen back!" He practically flung the objects over the counter and bolted from the store, running as if to make up for the lost time. As he started to calm down and slow down a bit, he smiled to himself. 'So there are nice people left in the world, people who would help me for better or worse!' That was enough to make his morning, but he figured it was as good a time as any to see her again. He followed the address written on his hand, and quickly found the right building. It was huge. It was ugly. Big companies like that always had big ugly buildings.
An hour later, Nny left the building, Devi's address written on his other hand. It hadn't taken much threatening to get the asshole boss of Nerve to give him that classified information on her. He killed the boss afterwards anyway. He was, after all, an asshole.
Slowly, like a shy little child, he approached the apartment building. He ascended up the stairs to find her room. Her home.
"So! Mister "knee" person! You came to see Devi too?"
Nny spun around to see Devi's friend, Tenna, standing behind him, skeleton squeek toy in hand. "Um, who the hell-?"
"Oh yeah! I guess we haven't really introduced ourselves yet. Mister "knee person," I am Tenna, and this is Spooky!" (Squeeeeeek)
"How…. Interesting…" Johnny was starting to feel a bit uncomfortable.
"Hmm…. You look upset. Strange, it seems I've been surrounded with exceedingly depressing people these days…. Hmm… TALK TO SPOOKY!!!!" She flung the deformed dog toy into his face.
"No thank you." Hmm… Johnny thought. I wonder if Devi would mind too much if I killed this girl. He shook his head in disapproval of the idea.
"Fine. Fine, I can take hints and all. I'll let you go see the sulking one now, but watch out; she gets cranky this late… er, early. Byeeeeeeeeee!" (Squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!!!)
He knocked on the door.
"Ugh… Shit." Devi stood up. The first night of sleep she was having in a while and SOMEONE was disrupting it. "Probably Tenna. I'm gonna shoot her." She went to the door and checked the security system. Organism behind door: Unknown male. Prepare self with sharp and pointy object. "Goddammit! Why me…" She trudged to the drawer and pulled out a knife, discreetly hiding it behind her back. "Who's there…?" she asked, slowly pulling open the door. "NNY?!" She glared at him wide eyed for a moment, then her expression reverted back to a tired aggravated look. "You. Why are you here?"
"Well um… you had wanted to-"
"Where the fuck have you been?!" Devi shouted.
"It was an emergen-"
"No, no. I don't even want to know. Just get in here, you little shit."
"Hmm… I've heard that before…." Johnny replied. He stepped in, then leaned back against the side wall. "Well?"
"Well what? You came here," Devi muttered flatly.
"I felt bad. It wasn't exactly my fault, but it wasn't nice… so is there anything you still want to tell me before I leave?"
"I don't know. This isn't easy. I think I'm still losing my mind. I can feel it slipping. I could feel the parallels showing. I don't want to be like this! I don't want to start liking people or being forced into this world, but I'm sick of being so unsure… about myself or my future."
"You don't want to become as fucked up as I am," Johnny added.
"Nny, I'm not gonna lie to you. And you're right, I don't want to become like you. But you're the only one that can help me. Since you've helped to bring this on, I'd say you at least owe me something, so help me, god dammit!"
"How? I can't even help myself. You saw what happened. What I did to you. And you still want me to help you?" Nny slid down the wall, and sat on the ground, thinking to himself.
"Fuck, you started this! Now get off your ass and help me fix it! At least I'm doing something. You don't see me impaling anyone with knives, do you? Huh?!" Devi shouted.
Nny looked at the ground. Maybe he should have just stayed dead this time. 'No!' He thought. 'There's got to be more to someone's life than this. Some revelation I've missed, something I'm searching for. Maybe it's not my past and where I came from… but what's happening now and where I'm going…' He bit his lip.
"Well?! Hey you, speak!" Devi shouted again, standing above him.
"How?" he grunted. Devi glared at him quizzically. "How do I fix this?"
"That is what I've been asking. Are we dancing in circles, it seems?" Devi yawned. "Ugh, oh sorry. I haven't gotten much sleep lately."
"I hate sleep."
"You ever wonder if the answer is something so simple as just getting a good night's sleep?"
"No. I've slept before. It doesn't change much other than leaving you unaware of yourself. Nothing good ever came to me through sleep."
"Understandable. It does disrupt my work."
"You still work constantly with your paintings? How nice it must be to still have enough of yourself left to do that." He said enviously.
"Look around, Nny. These paintings are unfinished. They're terrible." She pointed to a group of canvases lined up against the wall. "No soul or meaning to me as a person. No real talent even, just my anger and current mood poured out in fits of rage. I never know how to finish these. They don't come out the way I want them to, so I've just been leaving them like this. Incomplete. Mostly blank. It's not art anymore."
"Oh." Nny rested his chin in his hands. "I wouldn't know about art now anyways…"
"So… those 'friends' you had talked about, on the phone back then, are they your… your voices?" Devi sat down facing him.
"Yeah." Nny replied. "There were three of them. The doughboys, and Nail Bunny."
Devi raised an eyebrow. "Having a talking doll with screws for eyes sounds nice now…"
"Yeah, well… I don't know how it works, but sometimes it seems that there is something controlling all this. Where we assign our voice to, what happens to that object, the subtle changes of what it inevitably wants to become, and what that does to your mind. Nail Bunny was my friend. He was the one voice that I owned and had control over. He warned me not to listen to the others. He told me I was being used…. And for all that time I had thought I was enjoying myself. But they knew. They knew what Nail Bunny had told me. They started moving on their own, and shortly after, Nail Bunny's voice disappeared. They now expected me to give in to them. I thought I could fight…"
1 * Your friend thought he could fight… *
"I didn't get any control. Instead I let myself get killed and never saw the creature I was trying to suppress behind that wall…"
"Wall?! You mean that bloody one?!" She said with a start.
"Yeah. I guess I never mentioned that to you. If there was no fresh coat of blood on it, it would go soft, and something would push through. I thought I could suppress it in its prison on my own, but instead I was only feeding it. It got out and destroyed everything. Not that I minded, but I never even got to see it. It manipulated me, and I never saw what it looked like. After that, the doughboy's stopped talking too. But that's where a newer voice came in. He's even worse than the doughboys. He followed me everywhere, he still does. He tries to tell me to give in to my needs and desires. I don't think that would do anything for me anyway, but to have a stupid little toy that tempts you… that's just not right… so I decided to leave it all behind. I thought if I could somehow kill those excess desires, those vulgar ideas left in my mind and become as cold as possible, then I could rebuild from there. That was what I wanted to be the cure. …but now I'm starting to doubt if I can accomplish even that. And that stupid toy is no help. All he tells me is to act on my every desire and do anything that drives my needs as a feeling creature. It scares me to think that he could be right. Then that would mean, for me, that there is no cure." Nny looked out the window. "Hmm… the stars are bright tonight."
"Yes, it's very pretty… perfectly clear sky…" she looked over to Nny, who was sitting uncomfortably in the corner. "It reminds me of the sky we saw, looking down on the city that night, doesn't it?" Devi smiled inwardly. Nny was talking with her. Agreeing with her. Just like back then. The wounds were healing, perhaps. She couldn't help it. She always loved the way he spoke so honestly. The way they agreed with each other and could look down on society or up at the stars. She smiled at him, drawing closer, with hope to redo that moment the right way, the way it should have happened before Nny went insane.
Nny turned slightly pale, unsure of what to say.
"We could always start over, and try to find the cure together. I didn't want to tell you before, but when I was trying to confront Sickness, I learned about a mistake I made in the past. But if there's a way to fix the sickness inside my mind, then maybe I'll be allowed to start over and have a normal life again."
"A normal life… is that really what we are driving for?"
"I don't know, but it seems better than what we've had before." She looked at Johnny with gentle, yet serious eyes. Nny looked back at her tensely. She took his hand quite suddenly, and he jumped a little. "Nny, will you help me with this?"
"I-I…" He stammered, more tense than ever.
* Yes, this is what you want, isn't it? The beautiful night with the lovely girl whom you know is the object of your undying affection. Now is your chance. Make up for all those lonely nights. Give yourself the relief you have always wanted. Love as you have never loved another person before. Give up your search for coldness. Johnny C, you are a feeling human. No matter what, that will never change. But with her, you will not feel the pain of isolation. * Johnny knew this voice well. The unmistakable voice of Reverend Meat, the burger boy toy that he had told Devi about. 'He followed me here?!' Johnny thought. He stood up, trembling.
"Nny? What's the matter now? Nny?!" Devi reached out to put her hand on his shoulder, but he pulled away fiercely. "Nny… isn't this what you want?"
"I can never have what I want." He stood up, put his hands in his pockets and slowly sauntered to her door, following the dim flickering lights in the hallway.
"Nny! Where are you going? Johnny, stop! You shit, Nny! You…"
Johnny stopped. He stood still shaking from head to toe. "What do you want from me?"
"Will you at least tell me… Tell me that I have someone to talk to?" she asked, silently reliving the lost moments of the past in her head.
For a mere few seconds that lasted an eternity, neither of them said nothing. Finally, Johnny broke the silence. "Yes… Just give me some time." The slammed the door shut, and leaned back against it. He was gone again. For a minute she wasn't sure whether she was happy or sad. She was confused. Suddenly, she heard something in the back of her mind. A blood curdling scream that faded into a whimper. "Sickness?! She exclaimed out loud. "Sickness…?" She smiled slightly at the silence she heard. She didn't quite understand, but she had frightened the demon from her own mind. With a slight feeling of victory, she slumped down into her chair. The knot in her stomach starting to untie, she plugged the phone back into the wall. An art book she had only gotten halfway through rested on the table. She reached for it, until she heard the phone ringing for the first time in quite a while. She picked it up but said nothing.
"Devi? You there?"
"Oh. Hi Tenna." Devi mumbled, dazed.
"Devi, it's been almost a week! How long did you say you needed to work?! I've been waiting for YOU to call. Jeezus! I'll be there in a bit, okay?" Tenna suggested.
"Oops…" murmured Devi, as she realized that she had completely forgotten about her friend again. But she had a feeling things would be different now. "…Tenna, get over here!"
"You know I am. C'mon, you like it when we talk. Admit it. I'm bringing Spooky!"
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Well, that's it for part three. And for the story, really. I'll add the epilogue soon. ….Mmyep.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Nny opened his eyes. "Lemme guess. I'm dead." He stood up. Jagged wounds covered his body. He couldn't even see how disfigured his face looked. "F-fuck! That still hurts…" He felt tinges of pain on his nose bridge. He felt the crushed bones and wet boiling flesh hanging off. "Shit! Dammit! Oh damn….! This REALLY DOES HURT!" After letting his pent up hysteria out, Nny looked around wide-eyed again. "Heaven? …or hell?" It was hell. But it was an empty area. Suddenly Johnny heard a voice behind him.
"Back so soon, Nny? And this time, you're really dead. How… interesting. Nny, you are really dead this time, but it was still a fluke. I've received numerous complaints from the upper worlds that there has been a sudden unexpected shift. They demand I put you back again. Annoying, isn't it? And I was looking forwarding to observing your behavior here. Well, I'm sure this comes as no disappointment to you." It was he. Senior Diablo himself.
"You're right, I think, Mr. Satan. I didn't really want to die, but what's there going to be for me when I get back? I'm getting tired of this limbo. You know, kill, die, kill, die… By the way, can you um, fix this?" Nny asked, pointing to his injuries.
"Sure whatever." The devil raised his hand and said something spooky. The flesh wounds on Johnny's body slowly mended and the wounds closed until they disappeared. Nny smiled at the comfort of not being covered in his own entrails. The devil simply smirked. "Apparently, you're services are needed a bit longer. You'll soon expire though. Just like the rest, you will quietly die I'm sure. Funny, you really don't have much left to live for. Except maybe her. Now, if I was a creature of morals, I might suggest you use your time to help her. It seems you two have a lot in common these days. But I would suggest that you simply have fun. After all, now you know that you can't permanently die or get caught. You could go back to your old self and play like there'd be no tomorrow. Doesn't that sound fun?" the devil asked, smiling his evil smile.
"No. I don't want to be me anymore. I don't really want this mind of mine. I don't want those… things that control me. I don't even like what I think and what I do. It's become sickening." Nny folded his arms as he spoke.
"Are you saying you want change? A new life? Maybe some of the happiness the more ignorant ones around you feel?" The devil started to tempt.
"Are you joking? That wouldn't do. As messed up as my mind is, I don't think I need to get stupid to get happy. There's got to be another way…."
"I can help you Johnny. I can give you anything you want. I can-"
"Can what?! Give me a magical cure for my eternal soul or something? I don't want to be your slave either, and I don't need a quick fix. I need something that will have a more profound effect than some fucked up hocus pocus, and I want to keep all my intelligence in tact. Those rebellious voices they foster in my mind... I won't ever be slave again! YOU HEAR ME?! NEVER!!!" Johnny screamed. He retained his calmness, then shot the devil a look as cold as his own. "…And I won't die quietly."
"Oh look. Time to send you back. Little man, good luck on your own. Have… fun. Oh, by the way, after all the damage you've done to the universe by dying, the process of sending you back is well, backed up by a few months. Not that you will feel anything during that period of time. There are so many things that must be fixed. You understand, right?"
"But I had a meeting with someone today and-" Nny started. He suddenly felt himself fading. In a poof of smoke, he was out of hell and trapped in darkness. Waiting. Waiting. Unable to move. Unable to hear or see. Unable to think.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
(Seven months later…..)
He woke up. The world was there again. Unlike last time, it didn't seem so mystical anymore. And he still felt like himself, no wiser. He realized then, that he did not recognize the place he was in. 'Oh shit! This is that Fed guy's basement! Kind of funny, me being trapped in the basement of someone else… That won't last long though.' He quietly tip toed up the stairs, and opened the door silently. Painstakingly, he peered beyond the door to see that no one was around. The house was silent. He sauntered out of the house, but then took a moment to memorize the house number and what street it was on. His house wasn't that far away. He walked back home easily.
By late night he was finally back in his house. 'So, what's a person to do upon returning from the dead… twice?'
* Perhaps you feel like talking to someone? *
"Shut up. I really don't." Nny snarled, refusing to look at Reverend Meat.
* Aw, Johnny. You try so hard to ignore me and return to your own foolish agenda. But how can it be possible for you to not have anything to talk about? I sensed it when you left this world. That's not something that's supposed to happen everyday to humans, but in your case, you've gone rather unnoticed. *
"You…. You disgusting little burger toy! Why are you still here?!" Johnny screamed, grabbing the burger boy off the shelf and smashing it against the wall. It shattered instantly, and the pieces clanged against the floor. Nny went into the other room, upset as usual. He wondered where his car was. 'Shit. My books, those old paintings. Doubt I'll find them now.' Nny picked up a piece of paper from one of the shelves, and found a pen. Making himself comfortable on the dry wooden floor, he wrote.
Dear Die-ary,
I really do feel nothing now. I must be beyond redemption at this point. Death and resurrection meant nothing. I would die a hundred times and each would be more meaningless than the last. I can't change my feelings, no matter how I try. The gradual process is always interrupted by an outside force stronger than I am. I can't change what I want, but I can still never have what I want. But I can't die either. Can't live. Can't die. So no matter what, I'll always be here, writing these words thinking these thoughts and hoping for more of what will never be… I still wonder if she will come again, or try to call. But that's over. Time has elapsed, leaving me at where I stood before. I never even asked if she had forgiven me.
Johnny C.
Nny crumpled up the piece of paper and tossed it across the room. Those feelings were out now, but no one to talk to. 'You blew it again. You had her, and you lost. That should teach you just how worthless love is.' Those were his own thoughts. They were just as displeasing as the words from his external voices. He needed Nail Bunny, but that part of him was gone, drained of its energy and ability to function. He noticed it was night. He wasn't tired, but his body felt heavy and weak from returning from the underworld. He lied down on one of the flat torture devices, avoiding the metal spikes. The window was in sight, and outside, the moon. He sat up and opened it, to get a better view of the sky. The beautiful moon shining over the billions of stars hailing it. How he would love to live up in the skies, where every star was either appreciated for it's beautiful glow, or its astrological position. There was coldness up there, but not the kind that invoked malice and hatred. Only the coldness that kept the stars together, yet apart. He felt tears run down his cheeks. 'I'm crying again? Shit.' He sat up and looked towards the phone. He couldn't call her. Not after leaving for so long. But how he wished she would call him. Ease his mind. Let him find her again. ((Blatant Cowboy Bebop song reference! Right there!) He thought of how beautiful she looked on their date. She was beautiful, but not for the reason assholes and maggots think of. It was her smile, her laugh, and the connection in their words. To think he came so close to kissing her. The ache welled up in his body. That longing that had never been satisfied. He could have held her, kissed her, and it could have meant something. It was taking its toll. Even physical torture could not overcome the longing. He felt it in his heart too, when he remembered his mistake. 'Oh god. What's wrong with me? I can't go on thinking like this. The answer is still the same. If I can achieve coldness, maybe I'll never ache again.' He snickered slightly remembering things he'd heard from people his age. Pleasuring themselves in times like those, or finding temporary pleasure in any other person vulnerable to succumb to it. How could he be jealous of such a stupid quick fix? Temporary pleasure was his antithesis. He wanted nothing to do with it. Real happiness, however, seemed too far beyond reach, like the idea of redemption. Nny shuddered slightly. All that was fine with him, but why was he still so lonely? It certainly wasn't the first night that he longed for someone to confide in. Especially Devi. He liked her. He liked her.
He felt like his emotions were spinning out of control, like he could run outside and murder anyone in his path. Usually, that was what would happen, but today would be different. 'The first step towards some type of change is not to succumb to the old ways.' Johnny usually hated sleep. He still did even at that moment. But if sleeping could take him away from the dangerous passions of his mind, it was necessary. Question sleep and all it's motives. 'I hate sleeping. I hate waking up, not knowing all of what I remembered from before. But now, what good are those memories? I short rest to flush out the mind shouldn't affect my awareness too much. I can only hope.' He couldn't even remembered the last time he slept. He closed his eyes, and concentrated on not moving, and slowly drifted into his world of dreams.
He woke up a few hours later, shivering violently. He barely remembered the incoherent visions of his dreams. He felt dazed, like he had just mingled with a shit-load of hallucinogens. He was, however, happy that those feelings were gone from his mind. "But shit, why do I feel so damn cold?" He looked up and noticed he had left the window open. 'Fuck. Now I feel even worse and… * Ah-choo! * Oh jeezus.'
He stood up and scratched his head. 'Okay, so I gave myself a chill or two. I'm fine…' He was sick and tired of sitting in and pondering his defects. He knew what was wrong with himself, but what good would it do to if he didn't have the fix? He needed to get out again. It wouldn't do much, considering his lack of friends. He still felt that nagging need to get happiness in whatever way possible. He needed a Brain Freezy. He went into the main room, and grasped the door handle.
* Leaving, Nny? What do you plan to do this time? *
Nny spun around. "You?!" Indeed, Reverend Meat stood tall on the ground, completely intact. "But I just…! I just…! Shit. What's the use? I'm going to get a Brain Freezy…. Achoo!"
* God bless you, Nny. *
"Shut up."
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Nny entered the 24/7 store, prepared for the usual shit. Alone, in front of the store, just him and a freezy. It was the best plan he had. He felt more dead and sleep deprived than usual. Being resurrected wasn't easy. He went into the back, and plucked the largest cup out of the holder, quickly pushing the small horizontal lever on the machine, filling his cup with Cherry Doom. He put the top on and grabbed a straw, heading to the counter like a sleepwalker. Putting the cup on the countertop, he looked curiously at the cashier. He was asleep. 'So that's why the machine is still on this late… er, early,' Nny thought to himself. He knocked on the counter a few times. The middle-aged man awoke with a start.
"Huh?! Wha?!" He looked around from side to side, then his eyes fell on his customer. "Crud. Listen, sorry bout that. Don't go and tell my boss or anything…" He yawned and rang up the price of the icy beverage.
Nny tapped his fingers, pushing his urge to viciously slash the prick in half to the back of his mind.
The man looked back at Johnny, his sunken eyes and slumping posture. "Hey kid, get some rest. You look worse than I do. Oh! That'll be three dollars and forty-two cents."
"That sounds better than I feel. Here." Nny reached into his pocket and pulled out three dollars and thirty cents worth in change. "Ugh…? Fuck! I just…! Arg…"
"Well, I've made my mistakes, as I'm sure you know. Just give me what you've got. That'll be fine," he said, pushing the cup towards Johnny.
"….Well…. as long as it's not for sympathy… and I really am thirsty…" Nny pushed the change forward. "So, what's a generally friendly person like you working in this cesspool?"
"Well, I've never really been big on working. And I guess I wasn't creative or rich enough to make it like I wanted to. It's a disappointing situation, really."
"So you're an artist of some kind?" Nny asked sleepily, semi interested.
"I guess. Yeah. My work ain't that great. I met this young woman just a few weeks ago, she was an amazing artist. She said she's had tons of problems, but she was so talented. Used work for a publishing company, Nerve I think, making covers and illustrations and such."
Nny's brain clicked in, and he pounded both hands on the counter. "Who?! Do you remember her name?!" He picked up the Brain Freezy, removed the straw and top, and started to take a sip.
"Uh… not really… Debbie, or was it Deli, no that's stupid…" he said, rubbing his chin in thought.
Nny choked and downed the icy sugar beverage in one gulp. 'Big mistake…' he thought, cringing as his mouth and head froze over. He took a moment to warm up again, and then looked back to the clerk. "Devi?" Johnny asked, rather compulsively.
"Yeah! That's it!"
Johnny stomped his boot up on the counter and grabbed the clerk's shirt. "Do you know where Nerve Publishing is?!"
"It's in my address book, but…." He took it out reluctantly with a pen. Johnny grabbed them both, flipped to the section, and scribbled it on his hand. "Uh, sir, I really didn't want to…"
"Oh! Yes, sorry, here's your book and pen back!" He practically flung the objects over the counter and bolted from the store, running as if to make up for the lost time. As he started to calm down and slow down a bit, he smiled to himself. 'So there are nice people left in the world, people who would help me for better or worse!' That was enough to make his morning, but he figured it was as good a time as any to see her again. He followed the address written on his hand, and quickly found the right building. It was huge. It was ugly. Big companies like that always had big ugly buildings.
An hour later, Nny left the building, Devi's address written on his other hand. It hadn't taken much threatening to get the asshole boss of Nerve to give him that classified information on her. He killed the boss afterwards anyway. He was, after all, an asshole.
Slowly, like a shy little child, he approached the apartment building. He ascended up the stairs to find her room. Her home.
"So! Mister "knee" person! You came to see Devi too?"
Nny spun around to see Devi's friend, Tenna, standing behind him, skeleton squeek toy in hand. "Um, who the hell-?"
"Oh yeah! I guess we haven't really introduced ourselves yet. Mister "knee person," I am Tenna, and this is Spooky!" (Squeeeeeek)
"How…. Interesting…" Johnny was starting to feel a bit uncomfortable.
"Hmm…. You look upset. Strange, it seems I've been surrounded with exceedingly depressing people these days…. Hmm… TALK TO SPOOKY!!!!" She flung the deformed dog toy into his face.
"No thank you." Hmm… Johnny thought. I wonder if Devi would mind too much if I killed this girl. He shook his head in disapproval of the idea.
"Fine. Fine, I can take hints and all. I'll let you go see the sulking one now, but watch out; she gets cranky this late… er, early. Byeeeeeeeeee!" (Squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!!!)
He knocked on the door.
"Ugh… Shit." Devi stood up. The first night of sleep she was having in a while and SOMEONE was disrupting it. "Probably Tenna. I'm gonna shoot her." She went to the door and checked the security system. Organism behind door: Unknown male. Prepare self with sharp and pointy object. "Goddammit! Why me…" She trudged to the drawer and pulled out a knife, discreetly hiding it behind her back. "Who's there…?" she asked, slowly pulling open the door. "NNY?!" She glared at him wide eyed for a moment, then her expression reverted back to a tired aggravated look. "You. Why are you here?"
"Well um… you had wanted to-"
"Where the fuck have you been?!" Devi shouted.
"It was an emergen-"
"No, no. I don't even want to know. Just get in here, you little shit."
"Hmm… I've heard that before…." Johnny replied. He stepped in, then leaned back against the side wall. "Well?"
"Well what? You came here," Devi muttered flatly.
"I felt bad. It wasn't exactly my fault, but it wasn't nice… so is there anything you still want to tell me before I leave?"
"I don't know. This isn't easy. I think I'm still losing my mind. I can feel it slipping. I could feel the parallels showing. I don't want to be like this! I don't want to start liking people or being forced into this world, but I'm sick of being so unsure… about myself or my future."
"You don't want to become as fucked up as I am," Johnny added.
"Nny, I'm not gonna lie to you. And you're right, I don't want to become like you. But you're the only one that can help me. Since you've helped to bring this on, I'd say you at least owe me something, so help me, god dammit!"
"How? I can't even help myself. You saw what happened. What I did to you. And you still want me to help you?" Nny slid down the wall, and sat on the ground, thinking to himself.
"Fuck, you started this! Now get off your ass and help me fix it! At least I'm doing something. You don't see me impaling anyone with knives, do you? Huh?!" Devi shouted.
Nny looked at the ground. Maybe he should have just stayed dead this time. 'No!' He thought. 'There's got to be more to someone's life than this. Some revelation I've missed, something I'm searching for. Maybe it's not my past and where I came from… but what's happening now and where I'm going…' He bit his lip.
"Well?! Hey you, speak!" Devi shouted again, standing above him.
"How?" he grunted. Devi glared at him quizzically. "How do I fix this?"
"That is what I've been asking. Are we dancing in circles, it seems?" Devi yawned. "Ugh, oh sorry. I haven't gotten much sleep lately."
"I hate sleep."
"You ever wonder if the answer is something so simple as just getting a good night's sleep?"
"No. I've slept before. It doesn't change much other than leaving you unaware of yourself. Nothing good ever came to me through sleep."
"Understandable. It does disrupt my work."
"You still work constantly with your paintings? How nice it must be to still have enough of yourself left to do that." He said enviously.
"Look around, Nny. These paintings are unfinished. They're terrible." She pointed to a group of canvases lined up against the wall. "No soul or meaning to me as a person. No real talent even, just my anger and current mood poured out in fits of rage. I never know how to finish these. They don't come out the way I want them to, so I've just been leaving them like this. Incomplete. Mostly blank. It's not art anymore."
"Oh." Nny rested his chin in his hands. "I wouldn't know about art now anyways…"
"So… those 'friends' you had talked about, on the phone back then, are they your… your voices?" Devi sat down facing him.
"Yeah." Nny replied. "There were three of them. The doughboys, and Nail Bunny."
Devi raised an eyebrow. "Having a talking doll with screws for eyes sounds nice now…"
"Yeah, well… I don't know how it works, but sometimes it seems that there is something controlling all this. Where we assign our voice to, what happens to that object, the subtle changes of what it inevitably wants to become, and what that does to your mind. Nail Bunny was my friend. He was the one voice that I owned and had control over. He warned me not to listen to the others. He told me I was being used…. And for all that time I had thought I was enjoying myself. But they knew. They knew what Nail Bunny had told me. They started moving on their own, and shortly after, Nail Bunny's voice disappeared. They now expected me to give in to them. I thought I could fight…"
1 * Your friend thought he could fight… *
"I didn't get any control. Instead I let myself get killed and never saw the creature I was trying to suppress behind that wall…"
"Wall?! You mean that bloody one?!" She said with a start.
"Yeah. I guess I never mentioned that to you. If there was no fresh coat of blood on it, it would go soft, and something would push through. I thought I could suppress it in its prison on my own, but instead I was only feeding it. It got out and destroyed everything. Not that I minded, but I never even got to see it. It manipulated me, and I never saw what it looked like. After that, the doughboy's stopped talking too. But that's where a newer voice came in. He's even worse than the doughboys. He followed me everywhere, he still does. He tries to tell me to give in to my needs and desires. I don't think that would do anything for me anyway, but to have a stupid little toy that tempts you… that's just not right… so I decided to leave it all behind. I thought if I could somehow kill those excess desires, those vulgar ideas left in my mind and become as cold as possible, then I could rebuild from there. That was what I wanted to be the cure. …but now I'm starting to doubt if I can accomplish even that. And that stupid toy is no help. All he tells me is to act on my every desire and do anything that drives my needs as a feeling creature. It scares me to think that he could be right. Then that would mean, for me, that there is no cure." Nny looked out the window. "Hmm… the stars are bright tonight."
"Yes, it's very pretty… perfectly clear sky…" she looked over to Nny, who was sitting uncomfortably in the corner. "It reminds me of the sky we saw, looking down on the city that night, doesn't it?" Devi smiled inwardly. Nny was talking with her. Agreeing with her. Just like back then. The wounds were healing, perhaps. She couldn't help it. She always loved the way he spoke so honestly. The way they agreed with each other and could look down on society or up at the stars. She smiled at him, drawing closer, with hope to redo that moment the right way, the way it should have happened before Nny went insane.
Nny turned slightly pale, unsure of what to say.
"We could always start over, and try to find the cure together. I didn't want to tell you before, but when I was trying to confront Sickness, I learned about a mistake I made in the past. But if there's a way to fix the sickness inside my mind, then maybe I'll be allowed to start over and have a normal life again."
"A normal life… is that really what we are driving for?"
"I don't know, but it seems better than what we've had before." She looked at Johnny with gentle, yet serious eyes. Nny looked back at her tensely. She took his hand quite suddenly, and he jumped a little. "Nny, will you help me with this?"
"I-I…" He stammered, more tense than ever.
* Yes, this is what you want, isn't it? The beautiful night with the lovely girl whom you know is the object of your undying affection. Now is your chance. Make up for all those lonely nights. Give yourself the relief you have always wanted. Love as you have never loved another person before. Give up your search for coldness. Johnny C, you are a feeling human. No matter what, that will never change. But with her, you will not feel the pain of isolation. * Johnny knew this voice well. The unmistakable voice of Reverend Meat, the burger boy toy that he had told Devi about. 'He followed me here?!' Johnny thought. He stood up, trembling.
"Nny? What's the matter now? Nny?!" Devi reached out to put her hand on his shoulder, but he pulled away fiercely. "Nny… isn't this what you want?"
"I can never have what I want." He stood up, put his hands in his pockets and slowly sauntered to her door, following the dim flickering lights in the hallway.
"Nny! Where are you going? Johnny, stop! You shit, Nny! You…"
Johnny stopped. He stood still shaking from head to toe. "What do you want from me?"
"Will you at least tell me… Tell me that I have someone to talk to?" she asked, silently reliving the lost moments of the past in her head.
For a mere few seconds that lasted an eternity, neither of them said nothing. Finally, Johnny broke the silence. "Yes… Just give me some time." The slammed the door shut, and leaned back against it. He was gone again. For a minute she wasn't sure whether she was happy or sad. She was confused. Suddenly, she heard something in the back of her mind. A blood curdling scream that faded into a whimper. "Sickness?! She exclaimed out loud. "Sickness…?" She smiled slightly at the silence she heard. She didn't quite understand, but she had frightened the demon from her own mind. With a slight feeling of victory, she slumped down into her chair. The knot in her stomach starting to untie, she plugged the phone back into the wall. An art book she had only gotten halfway through rested on the table. She reached for it, until she heard the phone ringing for the first time in quite a while. She picked it up but said nothing.
"Devi? You there?"
"Oh. Hi Tenna." Devi mumbled, dazed.
"Devi, it's been almost a week! How long did you say you needed to work?! I've been waiting for YOU to call. Jeezus! I'll be there in a bit, okay?" Tenna suggested.
"Oops…" murmured Devi, as she realized that she had completely forgotten about her friend again. But she had a feeling things would be different now. "…Tenna, get over here!"
"You know I am. C'mon, you like it when we talk. Admit it. I'm bringing Spooky!"
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Well, that's it for part three. And for the story, really. I'll add the epilogue soon. ….Mmyep.