A/N: Hi everyone. I'm finally able to log on!!!! Yeay!!! For all of those who have been waiting, here's another chapter. Thanks to Black Sparkles, Aurora, potters chik, and Kayla. Thanks to everyone who reads even if they don't review and I apologize for the wait again. I love you all, you don't know how much this means to me. :)
James looked up to see how Lily was reacting to this. She wasn't there though. She wasn't even in the common room. She didn't go outside, he would have heard the portrait door. He went up to the girls' dorms and knocked quietly on the fourth years' door. No answer. "Lily, it's me. Are you in there?" Nothing. "Lily, I'm coming in ok?" He opened the door. There was no one in the room but the door to the bathroom was closed. He went over to it and knocked on it. "Lily? It's James. Are you in there?" Though there was no actual words spoken, he could hear someone breathing somewhat heavily. "Lily? If this isn't Lily, just let me know and I'll go." No answer, but he heard a thump as if someone had just bumped himself or herself into something. "I'm coming in." He said resolutely, but to his dismay, the door was locked. He took out his wand and unlocked the door. When he opened it he had found what he was looking for, unfortunately.
Lily was leaning against the bathroom counter, shirt pulled up to the top of her abdomen, and she had a knife in one hand. She was scratching the word back in. Blood poured down and stained the top of her pants. Immediately, James struggled with Lily for the knife. Eventually he had it, and she was sitting on the ground crying. He sat down next to her. "Lily, why? O, god, why would you..?" James didn't know exactly what to say. Lily managed in between sobs, "She's right James. How could I have done that to the only family I have left? She's my sister. We have the same parents, the same blood, and I locked her up. What the hell is wrong with me? She knew I was a freak all along." Lily looked down at the blood and became silent. She touched it with two fingers and took her hand up to the light. The crimson liquid glimmered in the artificial yellow that came from the bathroom bulbs. "Lily, Jesus, you don't actually believe any of the horrible stuff you just said do you?" She just looked up at him dispassionately. She looked back down and found that she had cut rather deep. Her whole shirt and most of her pants was soaked to a nice maroon color. "Come on." He said as he picked her up and jotted off to the infirmary.
After Madam Pomfrey had taken care of the physical wounds, she went to go get McGonagall and Dumbledore. This left Lily and James alone reflecting upon the things that just happened. "Lily, why would you ever want to do that to yourself? I know that you feel horrible about Petunia. I could never know what situation you're in right now or how you're feeling, but I don't understand why you would want to do that?" James had his head in his hands and he was...crying? This startled Lily considerably because as long as she had known James he had always been a very nice, gentleperson, but never cried. He looked up. He wanted an answer.
"James, you don't understand how...lonely it is. You feel like you're the only person left on the whole world. My parents die because of what I am. My sister goes to a mental institution because of me. Not only does she hate me now, she has plenty of reasons to. All I've ever wanted from her were some words of encouragement, a smile, a hug. She's my older sister, James. No matter what she did to me, or how she treated me, she's still my sister. I looked up to her, I loved her no matter what." Lily couldn't look James in the face at this. She had been feeling like this since her parents had died, keeping it all bottled up inside, hoping that someday it would just fade away. It never did. It only got so much worse. James got up from his chair and sat on Lily's bedside. She turned from him, her shoulders shaking with sobs. He put his arm around her, "Lily, I had no idea you felt like that. I wish you would tell me these things so maybe I could try to help you." She turned around and he hugged her for a long time. "I don't know what I would do if anything ever happened to you, Lily. You are not alone. Please, don't feel alone. There are so many people who love you and would walk on fire for you. Please don't feel alone. I know you're thinking, 'well, they may love me but it's not the same.' It's not supposed to be. I wish you would let me know how you're feeling." He squeezed a little tighter and whispered, "I love you so much Lily, please don't feel alone." They broke away and Lily still had tears streaming down her face.
Shortly thereafter, Dumbledore, McGonagall, and Madam Pomfrey arrived, and James was told to leave. He walked outside and back to Gryffindor. He went up to his dorm, into his trunk and spent a good deal of time searching for something...
Lily, in the meantime, was being lectured by McGonagall who looked more scared than angry. When she was through, Dumbledore told her and Poppy that he wanted a word alone with Lily. They left without argument and Dumbledore pulled up a chair. He looked deeply into her eyes, his (a/n:gotta say it) half-moon spectacles almost thwarting the old, blue eyes behind them from twinkling to their full ability. "Would you like to discuss what brought this on?" His warm smile helped to bring Lily's guard down and so she told him everything. From the first time Petunia had ever hit her, up to the black pig's heart. When she finished, she heaved a tremendous sigh and smiled dolefully.
"I think I might know something that will help you deal with these feeling and unresolved emotions. It's called the Internos Psychosis charm. It's really like...a psychiatrist inside your head...only not, I suppose. Well, then, that wasn't very helpful was it? It will help you get through the grieving and the problems with Petunia, but it will never show on the outside. You will be as you always are, the charm works best when you are asleep. It could take anywhere from weeks to months to even years for you to be completely over all of this. I expect it will take you, personally, about 20 days. You're a strong girl. The sorting hat put you in Gryffindor for a reason, you know? The beauty of this charm is that it works around the clock so it's like you're going for months or years and it takes only days or weeks. Would you like this?" Lily thought for a moment, "Yes, I believe I would like to try it. How do you know exactly how many days you suspect it will take me?" Dumbledore smiled knowingly, "Ah, my dear, when you're as old as I am, you come to know things that others wouldn't. Alright, Lily, I want you to lay back on the bed and just relax." She did as told and Dumbledore started to recite the incantation for the Internos Psychosis charm. There was a little tinge of blue light around Lily while he spoke, but it disappeared when he had finished. "Now, Lily, dear, how are you feeling?" Dumbledore queried. "Actually, I feel rather...indifferent, sir. Neither happy nor sad. Thank you." She smiled at him. "I think you'll be alright." He then told her to stay for the next few days to recover from the new wounds. Dumbledore left, and Lily was left there with Madam Pomfrey.
For the next three days, Lily was in the hospital wing. James didn't come to see her once. He was suffering from a bout of depression as it were. He was still devastated about how Lily saw herself. He couldn't believe his perfect Lily would believe anything her terrible sister would say. He was also upset with himself for not seeing any signs. It hurt him that Lily didn't feel James should know how she truly felt. Maybe they weren't as close as he had thought they were...
Soon everyone came back from Christmas Break and Sirius and Remus were told of the events that took place during their absence. They were both shocked. The next weeks went on as if nothing had happened. Weeks eventually turned into months though and Dumbledore's asinine prediction of 20 days proved false. Sometime in May, Lily woke up one morning and she felt completely different. Over the past months she experienced no extreme emotions in order to protect her from herself, but now she smiled as she looked at the birds on her sill. The sun was glorious that day. Everything was as it should be. This must mean the charm was done.
Sure enough, when she went to see Dumbledore he checked (a/n: I don't know how he would check but hey, use your imaginations people. Also, I know that nothing like that could ever happen where someone with serious issues would be completely fine in a few months ::believe me I know:: but I didn't feel like having a depressed Lily through out the story.) Lily could feel the relief and newly gained self-expectance. She could see clearly, that Petunia was in dire need of help. That it wasn't her fault. She was so happy that she didn't have the tremendous weight of her family problems hanging over her head, that she made a very rash decision and practically jumped Dumbledore's desk to give him a hug. He just twinkled merrily and hugged her back. "Sir, I can't ever thank you enough. I feel so much better." He nodded, "O, please, Lily, it's the least I could do for someone who has so much to offer the world. May I make a suggestion? I think you should go find Mr. Potter and have a talk with him."
She took his advice. She looked all over the place for him and based on some information from Sirius (who was completely jubilant to have the old Lily back), James was in the library. She found him in the very last table of the very last section, alone. She sat down with him, but he didn't look up. "James, I need to explain some things to you." This got his attention and he looked up. The rest of the day was spent in thorough explanation of everything that had happened. Hours and hours later, Lily was hoarse when she finally said, "That's it. That's all of it. Everything that happened and everything I can remember thinking. I didn't want you to think that I didn't trust you or that we weren't best friends. I'm so glad to be well again. Well, relatively speaking of course." James just smiled at her. "Thanks for the explanation." He looked over at the clock and it told that it was time for dinner. They were about to go down together when James told her he would catch up. He went back to the common room and up to the boy's dorm. He got what he had been looking for previously, out of his trunk and went up to the owlry.
Later that night after the gang had all caught up and played some chess, Lily was on her way up to bed. She reached her dorm and found an owl, a familiar one, waiting on the sill next to Lily's bed. She untied the parchment from its leg and it took off gracefully. She plopped down on her bed and opened the envelope. She smiled slightly as she began to read it and by the time she had finished she was grinning like the Cheshire cat. It was from James. It was what he had really been writing on the train ride that year.
Dear TigerLily,
I don't know if I'll ever give this to you. It was really just something to do on the way to school. Sirius is giving me a look right now so let me just see if I can get to my point. We hang out a lot don't we? I mean, ever since we started school, we've been really close and after what happened to our parents, we've just grown closer. I guess I just wanted to say was that I hope this never changes. You're one of my favorite people in the world and I don't know what I would do if we weren't friends. The way I see it, there's only one other option besides friendship that I wouldn't mind. Don't worry that wasn't a proposition. Anyway, I don't think I'll ever send this unless I really feel a need to. Just thought I would let you know. Love, James P. S., I wrote this at the beginning of the year. I've always felt it though. I guess I really did feel the need to send it if you're reading this P. S. Please don't feel alone.
If she ever hadn't been sure about her feelings towards James, this helped her to figured them out quickly. It was true, she had liked him for sometime, but the way she looked at it, she didn't want to act on it. She was still so young. It could be a simple fixation or crush and it could just go away. She didn't want to ruin the wonderful friendship the two already had. It seemed as though he felt similarly though. She spent the rest of the time before she drifted off to sleep thinking about him and what the actual consequences could be if she decided to act upon her feelings.
The next few weeks went by in a rush due to the preparation for exams in June and the presentations that were do from the beginning of the year. As usual, Lily and Ludo got a spectacular grade. James and Snape got a B+ only because they couldn't keep from throwing quips at each other while the other spoke. Remus, unfortunately, got a C because Narcissa decided she didn't need to work on her grades. Sirius and his partner did suprisingly well considering most of their "study sessions" ended with hickies and frazzled hair.(a/n: I apologize if the syntax is somewhat different because I had to write a paper a little bit earlier and I tried to sound all extra smart in it, so I can't really tell if the tone has changed at all.) After that night, James and Lily were, again, inseparable. As usual, the group did remarkably well on all of their exams, well...Peter being an exception. The summer holiday was thrown upon them all to quickly. (a/n: I don't know how you all feel about this skipping around that I do. But I find it much easier to leave out the unimportant drawling stuff. I could write it, but then my fic would be significantly longer.)
The summer months went by in a haze, as they usually do when one doesn't want them to end. The golden sun glistened as a daily reminder of how wonderful life can be for Lily. The Internos Psychosis charm worked magnificently and she was so glad for it. This summer, they all went to visit Remus in his home, instead of him coming to Sirius's house. Remus lived on a farm in Whales and the kids all had a blast at his house. It was a nice escape from the dreary events that were taking place more frequently in all of their lives. With Voldemort growing stronger each day, more and more people were dying.
James looked up to see how Lily was reacting to this. She wasn't there though. She wasn't even in the common room. She didn't go outside, he would have heard the portrait door. He went up to the girls' dorms and knocked quietly on the fourth years' door. No answer. "Lily, it's me. Are you in there?" Nothing. "Lily, I'm coming in ok?" He opened the door. There was no one in the room but the door to the bathroom was closed. He went over to it and knocked on it. "Lily? It's James. Are you in there?" Though there was no actual words spoken, he could hear someone breathing somewhat heavily. "Lily? If this isn't Lily, just let me know and I'll go." No answer, but he heard a thump as if someone had just bumped himself or herself into something. "I'm coming in." He said resolutely, but to his dismay, the door was locked. He took out his wand and unlocked the door. When he opened it he had found what he was looking for, unfortunately.
Lily was leaning against the bathroom counter, shirt pulled up to the top of her abdomen, and she had a knife in one hand. She was scratching the word back in. Blood poured down and stained the top of her pants. Immediately, James struggled with Lily for the knife. Eventually he had it, and she was sitting on the ground crying. He sat down next to her. "Lily, why? O, god, why would you..?" James didn't know exactly what to say. Lily managed in between sobs, "She's right James. How could I have done that to the only family I have left? She's my sister. We have the same parents, the same blood, and I locked her up. What the hell is wrong with me? She knew I was a freak all along." Lily looked down at the blood and became silent. She touched it with two fingers and took her hand up to the light. The crimson liquid glimmered in the artificial yellow that came from the bathroom bulbs. "Lily, Jesus, you don't actually believe any of the horrible stuff you just said do you?" She just looked up at him dispassionately. She looked back down and found that she had cut rather deep. Her whole shirt and most of her pants was soaked to a nice maroon color. "Come on." He said as he picked her up and jotted off to the infirmary.
After Madam Pomfrey had taken care of the physical wounds, she went to go get McGonagall and Dumbledore. This left Lily and James alone reflecting upon the things that just happened. "Lily, why would you ever want to do that to yourself? I know that you feel horrible about Petunia. I could never know what situation you're in right now or how you're feeling, but I don't understand why you would want to do that?" James had his head in his hands and he was...crying? This startled Lily considerably because as long as she had known James he had always been a very nice, gentleperson, but never cried. He looked up. He wanted an answer.
"James, you don't understand how...lonely it is. You feel like you're the only person left on the whole world. My parents die because of what I am. My sister goes to a mental institution because of me. Not only does she hate me now, she has plenty of reasons to. All I've ever wanted from her were some words of encouragement, a smile, a hug. She's my older sister, James. No matter what she did to me, or how she treated me, she's still my sister. I looked up to her, I loved her no matter what." Lily couldn't look James in the face at this. She had been feeling like this since her parents had died, keeping it all bottled up inside, hoping that someday it would just fade away. It never did. It only got so much worse. James got up from his chair and sat on Lily's bedside. She turned from him, her shoulders shaking with sobs. He put his arm around her, "Lily, I had no idea you felt like that. I wish you would tell me these things so maybe I could try to help you." She turned around and he hugged her for a long time. "I don't know what I would do if anything ever happened to you, Lily. You are not alone. Please, don't feel alone. There are so many people who love you and would walk on fire for you. Please don't feel alone. I know you're thinking, 'well, they may love me but it's not the same.' It's not supposed to be. I wish you would let me know how you're feeling." He squeezed a little tighter and whispered, "I love you so much Lily, please don't feel alone." They broke away and Lily still had tears streaming down her face.
Shortly thereafter, Dumbledore, McGonagall, and Madam Pomfrey arrived, and James was told to leave. He walked outside and back to Gryffindor. He went up to his dorm, into his trunk and spent a good deal of time searching for something...
Lily, in the meantime, was being lectured by McGonagall who looked more scared than angry. When she was through, Dumbledore told her and Poppy that he wanted a word alone with Lily. They left without argument and Dumbledore pulled up a chair. He looked deeply into her eyes, his (a/n:gotta say it) half-moon spectacles almost thwarting the old, blue eyes behind them from twinkling to their full ability. "Would you like to discuss what brought this on?" His warm smile helped to bring Lily's guard down and so she told him everything. From the first time Petunia had ever hit her, up to the black pig's heart. When she finished, she heaved a tremendous sigh and smiled dolefully.
"I think I might know something that will help you deal with these feeling and unresolved emotions. It's called the Internos Psychosis charm. It's really like...a psychiatrist inside your head...only not, I suppose. Well, then, that wasn't very helpful was it? It will help you get through the grieving and the problems with Petunia, but it will never show on the outside. You will be as you always are, the charm works best when you are asleep. It could take anywhere from weeks to months to even years for you to be completely over all of this. I expect it will take you, personally, about 20 days. You're a strong girl. The sorting hat put you in Gryffindor for a reason, you know? The beauty of this charm is that it works around the clock so it's like you're going for months or years and it takes only days or weeks. Would you like this?" Lily thought for a moment, "Yes, I believe I would like to try it. How do you know exactly how many days you suspect it will take me?" Dumbledore smiled knowingly, "Ah, my dear, when you're as old as I am, you come to know things that others wouldn't. Alright, Lily, I want you to lay back on the bed and just relax." She did as told and Dumbledore started to recite the incantation for the Internos Psychosis charm. There was a little tinge of blue light around Lily while he spoke, but it disappeared when he had finished. "Now, Lily, dear, how are you feeling?" Dumbledore queried. "Actually, I feel rather...indifferent, sir. Neither happy nor sad. Thank you." She smiled at him. "I think you'll be alright." He then told her to stay for the next few days to recover from the new wounds. Dumbledore left, and Lily was left there with Madam Pomfrey.
For the next three days, Lily was in the hospital wing. James didn't come to see her once. He was suffering from a bout of depression as it were. He was still devastated about how Lily saw herself. He couldn't believe his perfect Lily would believe anything her terrible sister would say. He was also upset with himself for not seeing any signs. It hurt him that Lily didn't feel James should know how she truly felt. Maybe they weren't as close as he had thought they were...
Soon everyone came back from Christmas Break and Sirius and Remus were told of the events that took place during their absence. They were both shocked. The next weeks went on as if nothing had happened. Weeks eventually turned into months though and Dumbledore's asinine prediction of 20 days proved false. Sometime in May, Lily woke up one morning and she felt completely different. Over the past months she experienced no extreme emotions in order to protect her from herself, but now she smiled as she looked at the birds on her sill. The sun was glorious that day. Everything was as it should be. This must mean the charm was done.
Sure enough, when she went to see Dumbledore he checked (a/n: I don't know how he would check but hey, use your imaginations people. Also, I know that nothing like that could ever happen where someone with serious issues would be completely fine in a few months ::believe me I know:: but I didn't feel like having a depressed Lily through out the story.) Lily could feel the relief and newly gained self-expectance. She could see clearly, that Petunia was in dire need of help. That it wasn't her fault. She was so happy that she didn't have the tremendous weight of her family problems hanging over her head, that she made a very rash decision and practically jumped Dumbledore's desk to give him a hug. He just twinkled merrily and hugged her back. "Sir, I can't ever thank you enough. I feel so much better." He nodded, "O, please, Lily, it's the least I could do for someone who has so much to offer the world. May I make a suggestion? I think you should go find Mr. Potter and have a talk with him."
She took his advice. She looked all over the place for him and based on some information from Sirius (who was completely jubilant to have the old Lily back), James was in the library. She found him in the very last table of the very last section, alone. She sat down with him, but he didn't look up. "James, I need to explain some things to you." This got his attention and he looked up. The rest of the day was spent in thorough explanation of everything that had happened. Hours and hours later, Lily was hoarse when she finally said, "That's it. That's all of it. Everything that happened and everything I can remember thinking. I didn't want you to think that I didn't trust you or that we weren't best friends. I'm so glad to be well again. Well, relatively speaking of course." James just smiled at her. "Thanks for the explanation." He looked over at the clock and it told that it was time for dinner. They were about to go down together when James told her he would catch up. He went back to the common room and up to the boy's dorm. He got what he had been looking for previously, out of his trunk and went up to the owlry.
Later that night after the gang had all caught up and played some chess, Lily was on her way up to bed. She reached her dorm and found an owl, a familiar one, waiting on the sill next to Lily's bed. She untied the parchment from its leg and it took off gracefully. She plopped down on her bed and opened the envelope. She smiled slightly as she began to read it and by the time she had finished she was grinning like the Cheshire cat. It was from James. It was what he had really been writing on the train ride that year.
Dear TigerLily,
I don't know if I'll ever give this to you. It was really just something to do on the way to school. Sirius is giving me a look right now so let me just see if I can get to my point. We hang out a lot don't we? I mean, ever since we started school, we've been really close and after what happened to our parents, we've just grown closer. I guess I just wanted to say was that I hope this never changes. You're one of my favorite people in the world and I don't know what I would do if we weren't friends. The way I see it, there's only one other option besides friendship that I wouldn't mind. Don't worry that wasn't a proposition. Anyway, I don't think I'll ever send this unless I really feel a need to. Just thought I would let you know. Love, James P. S., I wrote this at the beginning of the year. I've always felt it though. I guess I really did feel the need to send it if you're reading this P. S. Please don't feel alone.
If she ever hadn't been sure about her feelings towards James, this helped her to figured them out quickly. It was true, she had liked him for sometime, but the way she looked at it, she didn't want to act on it. She was still so young. It could be a simple fixation or crush and it could just go away. She didn't want to ruin the wonderful friendship the two already had. It seemed as though he felt similarly though. She spent the rest of the time before she drifted off to sleep thinking about him and what the actual consequences could be if she decided to act upon her feelings.
The next few weeks went by in a rush due to the preparation for exams in June and the presentations that were do from the beginning of the year. As usual, Lily and Ludo got a spectacular grade. James and Snape got a B+ only because they couldn't keep from throwing quips at each other while the other spoke. Remus, unfortunately, got a C because Narcissa decided she didn't need to work on her grades. Sirius and his partner did suprisingly well considering most of their "study sessions" ended with hickies and frazzled hair.(a/n: I apologize if the syntax is somewhat different because I had to write a paper a little bit earlier and I tried to sound all extra smart in it, so I can't really tell if the tone has changed at all.) After that night, James and Lily were, again, inseparable. As usual, the group did remarkably well on all of their exams, well...Peter being an exception. The summer holiday was thrown upon them all to quickly. (a/n: I don't know how you all feel about this skipping around that I do. But I find it much easier to leave out the unimportant drawling stuff. I could write it, but then my fic would be significantly longer.)
The summer months went by in a haze, as they usually do when one doesn't want them to end. The golden sun glistened as a daily reminder of how wonderful life can be for Lily. The Internos Psychosis charm worked magnificently and she was so glad for it. This summer, they all went to visit Remus in his home, instead of him coming to Sirius's house. Remus lived on a farm in Whales and the kids all had a blast at his house. It was a nice escape from the dreary events that were taking place more frequently in all of their lives. With Voldemort growing stronger each day, more and more people were dying.