A/n: ok ok, I know its been forever and I'm sorry for the long long long delay. Thanks to everyone who reviewed and pushed me to put another chapter out. I've been kinda sick and kinda busy. And please don't kill me cuz this is really short...
Things were going too quickly. Last week, Lily felt like a woman, independent, confident, loved, and ready to face anything. Now there sat a semblance of this audacious auburn-haired goddess at a table in the back of the common room, tear-stained, frantic, barren of anything less than vapid small talk. How did this come about? When did she go wrong? What happened to the fiery woman ready to conquer the world? Reality happened. Ever since she agreed to James's proposal, it was all she could think about. Naturally she didn't do as well as she had liked on her NEWTS (though her marks were of the highest five in the school) and this troubled her immensely. After the exams she was snappish and crabby to everyone. It just so happened that James was the first to cross the line of fire. After all, he's the reason she did so poorly on her tests, why shouldn't he get the bulk of her anger. Well that's how she felt until after they had a terrible row earlier that morning. Thinking it over, she realized that her anger was slightly misdirected. It was too late now. Things were said that couldn't be taken away. The engagement was assumed to be off. What had she done? So now, the vacant cavity in which Lily's spirit once resided sat alone in the common room mulling over the point where she went wrong.
Meanwhile on the pitch some fifty yards away a very animated James was pacing in his tracks, brooding over the quarrel. She had no right to say some of the things she said...But then again, he definitely should have held his tongue a few times. She was under a lot of stress. But it was wrong of her to put the blame on him, when her grades were still top notch. Maybe she was just venting and he was the one she did it with. After an eternity of pensive silence, he decided that whatever the underlying problem was, they would be able to work through it because he loved her no matter what and he knew that her anger was not toward him.
"So...he just ...left?" Sirius was sitting next to Lily, trying to get some sort of story from her. "O Sirius, I don't know what I'm gonna do. Looking back at what I said I wouldn't be surprised if he honestly didn't want to marry me." She sunk her head back into her hands, realizing the weight of her actions. "Aw, come on Lily, don't say that. James loves you no matter what. He'd still want to marry you if you had decided to get him castrated after the first child." Try as he might to get some sort of emotion besides guilt from her, she just shook her head. "Now's not the time to be funny, Sirius-" Just as she was going to finish in walked the subject of their conversation. He didn't noticed Lily and Sirius huddled in the corner at first, but as soon as he saw them, he stopped in his tracks and his expression seemed to take on an almost...grave appearance? What could this mean? Lily had really done it now...
"Sirius, can I talk with Lily for a second?" James said as he nodded for Sirius to go upstairs. "No prob, prongs, just watch you're Jacobs, this one doesn't mess around." Yet again, his humorous approach to life was left unappreciated as he retreated upstairs. "I have something that I need to say before we start." James began. Lily gulped and he continued, "I love you, and I understand that you're upset about something, but some of the things you said were completely out of line. I apologize for some of the things I said, because I too got caught up in the moment. Lily, I know you're mad that you didn't do as well on your exams as you had hoped. And I'm sorry that you think your marks aren't good, because I think they're awfully good, considering only four other people in the school beat you. That gives you no right to go about saying things like you did. If you're angry, you need to tell me. At least give me a warning, so I know when to stay away." He smiled slightly at her. This wasn't at all what she had thought he was going to say, but she didn't mind the surprise.
"James, I know, and I'm sorry. I regretted saying some of those things as soon as they had left my mouth. I really was just upset and uptight about my marks and the whole week has been one big stressful event. I guess I just hit a boiling point today. I'm so sorry. You only said what you did in retaliation." As she was talking he sat down on the arm of the chair and stroked her head. "Uhm...another thing, James...We're only seventeen. I'm not even out of Hogwart's and I'm engaged. It's a scary thought. I don't even know what I want to go into when I leave school. Do I want to further my schooling, do I want a job at the ministry? How do I know if I'm ready to get married?" James stopped petting her head and just stared almost in disbelief. "I mean, don't get me wrong, James I do love you. I love you so much. But I feel like...I need to straighten myself out before I can try and straighten out our problems. Maybe we should just hold off on the engagement..." She looked up meekly hoping to see a better result than she did. James's face had lost all color and his eyes were glazed over.
"Lily, the whole point of being engaged is so that we know that we are together, but we don't have to get married until you feel ready. It's not a given that you and I will get married as soon as we leave Hogwart's. It's not to make you feel pressured. And part of being in a relationship is so that I can help you straighten things out along the way. You shouldn't have to go through everything alone. I can understand if there are some things you want to handle by yourself, but some things are too big to take on by yourself and that's why I'm here." He started to stroke her head again. "I know, but when I think to myself 'I, Lily Evans, am engaged.' It just seems so grown-up to me. Too grown-up. I'm not an adult. A lot of people would say that we don't know what love is. Maybe they're right. Maybe by this time next year, we will have found that we can't stand each other. You never know James. Can we just say that this never was an engagement ring? Just a promise ring. That's all." She looked at his contemplative countenance for a few seconds and finally he spoke. "If that's what you want Lily. We can wait. I have no doubt in my mind that I'll want to marry you by the end of next year, but if you feel this is too much for right now, then we can take it down a notch." She smiled in relief and gave him a huge hug. "I do love you James. I hope you know that."
"Of course I do."
They sat in the armchair for the rest of the day, talking, thinking, napping in each other's arms. It was a very restful day after a truly stressful week. In a way it set the tone for the rest of the term and for the summer. Sirius and Remus were a bit disappointed by Lily's cold feet, but nonetheless they knew, as James did, that the two of them belonged together. There was no question in anyone's mind really.
The summer was spent in a hazy lull of relaxation. Lily even got to the point in summer break where you forget what day it is. She had never felt so carefree and whole in her life. She was with her friends, with Ana and with James. Maybe she was ready for engagement. The whole prospect scared her to death at first. The thought of her being old enough to get married didn't see right at all. She had always considered herself a child. A babe in the eyes of the world, not knowing what exactly love meant just yet. Could she really know? She was still so young. She knew, though, that she and James were meant for each other. But still a voice in the back of her head kept asking the question, "What if you grow apart? You aren't done growing up just yet." And this was too true for Lily to ignore which is why she ultimately declined the proposal for now.
Things were going too quickly. Last week, Lily felt like a woman, independent, confident, loved, and ready to face anything. Now there sat a semblance of this audacious auburn-haired goddess at a table in the back of the common room, tear-stained, frantic, barren of anything less than vapid small talk. How did this come about? When did she go wrong? What happened to the fiery woman ready to conquer the world? Reality happened. Ever since she agreed to James's proposal, it was all she could think about. Naturally she didn't do as well as she had liked on her NEWTS (though her marks were of the highest five in the school) and this troubled her immensely. After the exams she was snappish and crabby to everyone. It just so happened that James was the first to cross the line of fire. After all, he's the reason she did so poorly on her tests, why shouldn't he get the bulk of her anger. Well that's how she felt until after they had a terrible row earlier that morning. Thinking it over, she realized that her anger was slightly misdirected. It was too late now. Things were said that couldn't be taken away. The engagement was assumed to be off. What had she done? So now, the vacant cavity in which Lily's spirit once resided sat alone in the common room mulling over the point where she went wrong.
Meanwhile on the pitch some fifty yards away a very animated James was pacing in his tracks, brooding over the quarrel. She had no right to say some of the things she said...But then again, he definitely should have held his tongue a few times. She was under a lot of stress. But it was wrong of her to put the blame on him, when her grades were still top notch. Maybe she was just venting and he was the one she did it with. After an eternity of pensive silence, he decided that whatever the underlying problem was, they would be able to work through it because he loved her no matter what and he knew that her anger was not toward him.
"So...he just ...left?" Sirius was sitting next to Lily, trying to get some sort of story from her. "O Sirius, I don't know what I'm gonna do. Looking back at what I said I wouldn't be surprised if he honestly didn't want to marry me." She sunk her head back into her hands, realizing the weight of her actions. "Aw, come on Lily, don't say that. James loves you no matter what. He'd still want to marry you if you had decided to get him castrated after the first child." Try as he might to get some sort of emotion besides guilt from her, she just shook her head. "Now's not the time to be funny, Sirius-" Just as she was going to finish in walked the subject of their conversation. He didn't noticed Lily and Sirius huddled in the corner at first, but as soon as he saw them, he stopped in his tracks and his expression seemed to take on an almost...grave appearance? What could this mean? Lily had really done it now...
"Sirius, can I talk with Lily for a second?" James said as he nodded for Sirius to go upstairs. "No prob, prongs, just watch you're Jacobs, this one doesn't mess around." Yet again, his humorous approach to life was left unappreciated as he retreated upstairs. "I have something that I need to say before we start." James began. Lily gulped and he continued, "I love you, and I understand that you're upset about something, but some of the things you said were completely out of line. I apologize for some of the things I said, because I too got caught up in the moment. Lily, I know you're mad that you didn't do as well on your exams as you had hoped. And I'm sorry that you think your marks aren't good, because I think they're awfully good, considering only four other people in the school beat you. That gives you no right to go about saying things like you did. If you're angry, you need to tell me. At least give me a warning, so I know when to stay away." He smiled slightly at her. This wasn't at all what she had thought he was going to say, but she didn't mind the surprise.
"James, I know, and I'm sorry. I regretted saying some of those things as soon as they had left my mouth. I really was just upset and uptight about my marks and the whole week has been one big stressful event. I guess I just hit a boiling point today. I'm so sorry. You only said what you did in retaliation." As she was talking he sat down on the arm of the chair and stroked her head. "Uhm...another thing, James...We're only seventeen. I'm not even out of Hogwart's and I'm engaged. It's a scary thought. I don't even know what I want to go into when I leave school. Do I want to further my schooling, do I want a job at the ministry? How do I know if I'm ready to get married?" James stopped petting her head and just stared almost in disbelief. "I mean, don't get me wrong, James I do love you. I love you so much. But I feel like...I need to straighten myself out before I can try and straighten out our problems. Maybe we should just hold off on the engagement..." She looked up meekly hoping to see a better result than she did. James's face had lost all color and his eyes were glazed over.
"Lily, the whole point of being engaged is so that we know that we are together, but we don't have to get married until you feel ready. It's not a given that you and I will get married as soon as we leave Hogwart's. It's not to make you feel pressured. And part of being in a relationship is so that I can help you straighten things out along the way. You shouldn't have to go through everything alone. I can understand if there are some things you want to handle by yourself, but some things are too big to take on by yourself and that's why I'm here." He started to stroke her head again. "I know, but when I think to myself 'I, Lily Evans, am engaged.' It just seems so grown-up to me. Too grown-up. I'm not an adult. A lot of people would say that we don't know what love is. Maybe they're right. Maybe by this time next year, we will have found that we can't stand each other. You never know James. Can we just say that this never was an engagement ring? Just a promise ring. That's all." She looked at his contemplative countenance for a few seconds and finally he spoke. "If that's what you want Lily. We can wait. I have no doubt in my mind that I'll want to marry you by the end of next year, but if you feel this is too much for right now, then we can take it down a notch." She smiled in relief and gave him a huge hug. "I do love you James. I hope you know that."
"Of course I do."
They sat in the armchair for the rest of the day, talking, thinking, napping in each other's arms. It was a very restful day after a truly stressful week. In a way it set the tone for the rest of the term and for the summer. Sirius and Remus were a bit disappointed by Lily's cold feet, but nonetheless they knew, as James did, that the two of them belonged together. There was no question in anyone's mind really.
The summer was spent in a hazy lull of relaxation. Lily even got to the point in summer break where you forget what day it is. She had never felt so carefree and whole in her life. She was with her friends, with Ana and with James. Maybe she was ready for engagement. The whole prospect scared her to death at first. The thought of her being old enough to get married didn't see right at all. She had always considered herself a child. A babe in the eyes of the world, not knowing what exactly love meant just yet. Could she really know? She was still so young. She knew, though, that she and James were meant for each other. But still a voice in the back of her head kept asking the question, "What if you grow apart? You aren't done growing up just yet." And this was too true for Lily to ignore which is why she ultimately declined the proposal for now.