I Know What They Parodied Last Summer
an MST3K of
I Know What You Did Last Summer
by sinecure
Starring Spike, Willow, Xander, and Buffy... just 'cause. How did they get forced into reading bad scripts? I don't know! They just have to do it because I said so... isn't that good enough? No? Well, fine, then I'll do a little intro and explain it all away... I might even make it make sense. I can do that, 'cause it's my fanfic/MST/type thing. So there. ;P
Disclaimer: This movie, I know What You Did Last Summer, and the shows Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and Angel (in case I mention stuff from there) don't belong to me. I'm, like, show-less and movie-less, which probably explains why I'm writing fanfics and parodies of fanfics. Huh.
I actually liked the movie, so all the ripping, and jokes and such, are done in good faith. Speaking of Faith, this takes place during season 4, sometime in the middle. After Oz leaves, before Tara comes in, after Anya, after Riley... um, and that's about it, I think. No time specific.
This transcript was transcribed by someone else, I found it, and decided to use it for my own devious devices, for I am evil. Anyway, all typos in the script belong to the transcriber, and if he/she doesn't like this being used, let me know and I'll beg you lots to let me use it.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________
Thefour of them stood up, stretching and walking around the room. The pizza box was still on the floor, so Xander grabbed it and took a seat in the middle of the couch. Willow and Buffy sat on either side of him, grabbing a piece each.
"Cold, just like I like it," Xander said just before taking a huge bite.
"Mine's warm." Willow bit into her slice with a happy smile, making Spike roll his eyes.
Why did they always have to be so damn happy all the time? Was a little occasional misery too much to ask for? Having already eaten, and not in the mood for human food, he went to examine the mark on the wall. It was about the same size as it was when they last checked it, maybe a little longer. A smidgen.
"Oh, hey, my piece is hot. Made to order. Cool," Buffy said, then raised her voice slightly, "A nice cold beverage would be... uh, nice."
Low and behold, the green light came and went, leaving behind a pitcher of water and four glasses. Willow poured them all a glass, even bringing one to Spike. How sweet.
When she neared him, he glared at her until she set the glass down on the table in front of the chairs and went back to the others. They sat there, eating and chattering, for a good twenty minutes. When he could stand it no longer, he sat in the chair and snarled at them.
They sighed and joined him in the chairs, setting the glasses on the table in front of him. They took the same seats as before, none of them making the move to start again. They pretty much all stared at the script with resignation, but didn't move.
"No time like the present," Willow muttered, taking a sip of her water.
"Damn straight," Spike agreed, lighting a cigarette.
Buffy sighed and grabbed the remainder of the script. "Wimps."
_______________________________________________________________________________________________
ONE YEAR LATER
EXT. Julies college. --- Students are running around on campus.
WILLOW: Ah, the infamous Julies College. I applied there.
BUFFY: Get in?
XANDER: Of course she did. Every college in the world said yes to her.
SPIKE: (impressed) Yeah?
WILLOW: (nods) Yeah. Except of course the phony Julies College that I just made up.
SPIKE: (sarcastically) Duh.
INT. Julies dormroom. --- Julies roommate Deb walks in.
Deb -
Yo, it's time to go.
Julie turns around from her computer revealing that the last year has sure taken its toll on her.
XANDER: The toll was a dollar seventy-five a day. And she looked it.
Deb -
Come on, move your tired ugly ass girl we're late.
XANDER: ...for our put-down class. Let's go, you sleazy chum-eater.
Julie -
I changed my mind, I'm not going.
Deb -
Julie, get your white as death, chalky corpse in the car now.
BUFFY: With friends like Deb, who needs vampires?
SPIKE: Ahem.
WILLOW: She didn't mean you, Spike, she meant evil ones. Well, ones that can still hurt humans... um...
SPIKE: (glaring at Willow)
BUFFY/XANDER: (laughing)
WILLOW: (miserably) Sorry.
Pause.
XANDER: Halt.
WILLOW: Hesitate.
BUFFY: Rest.
SPIKE: Stop. Please.
Deb -
I said come on. Julie you're going home for the summer and you're going to get a tan on that pasty pale tail of yours.
They both giggle.
BUFFY: (as Julie) It's funny when we ridicule and make fun of me.
Deb -
Let's go.
BUFFY: (as Deb) ...ridicule and make fun of other people. Yay.
EXT. - Julies house - Deb is pulling the car into the driveway. Julie takes her bag from the backseat.
Deb -
Remember, sun and fun.
SPIKE: (as Deb) ...is deadly for vampires, so stay to the shadows and you'll be fine.
Julie -
Yeah.
Deb drives off leaving Julie home,
XANDER: (laughing) What is she? A dog?
where she doesn't want to be.
XANDER: (as Julie) Take me back to the pound. Arf.
Mrs. James -
Julie? Welcome home dear.
WILLOW: (as Julie) Who's dear? Because, I know that if you were calling me dear you would have put a comma before the word dear, but you didn't, so who the heck is dear? Huh? Who is it?
SPIKE: (to Willow) You've got some serious issues.
WILLOW: Do not.
Julie turns around to see her mother who she hasn't seen since last summer.
BUFFY: (as Julie) Geez, Mom, you got old. You've got this wrinkle-thing going on with your eyes.
Mrs. James -
I missed you.
BUFFY: (as Julie) How nice for you. Here's my laundry, and um, I want dinner at six exactly. Don't be late, gotta go. Ciao!
INT. - Julies Kitchen - Julie and her mother are eating.
Mrs. James -
How's the snapper?
XANDER: (as Mrs. James) How's that young whipper snapper doing?
Julie just fakes a smile.
Mrs. James -
I really wanted monkfish but it's been a bad season.
WILLOW: (as Mrs. James) The monks never hold still long enough for us to catch them. Rude, huh?
Julie sits stonefaced.
BUFFY: Bet that hurts.
Mrs- James -
Are you on drugs?
Julie is surprised by the question.
Julie -
What?
Mrs. James -
I just wanted to surprise you, I want an honest reaction.
Julie -
No. No mom no drugs.
BUFFY: (as Mrs. James) Damn, I wanted to borrow some, now I'm gonna have to make a trip to my dealer. Some daughter you are! Can't even supply your own mother with drugs... you tea-totalling freak!
SPIKE: (drops his cigarette to the floor and steps on it) There something you want to tell us, Slayer?
BUFFY: (confused) Huh?
SPIKE: Nothing.
Mrs. James -
Well than what is wrong? I mean you look like death.
WILLOW: (as Julie) I am death. Wanna play chess with me?
XANDER: She's a whiz.
Julie -
Yeah well I've had a rough year.
BUFFY: (as Julie) Rough years make me look dead.
Julies mom clears the table and Julie gets up and walks towards the living room looking at old awards and pictures of her father. Julies mother walks in.
SPIKE: (leans over to Willow) The 'Julies' typos not bothering you?
WILLOW: (tightly) No!
SPIKE: (chuckles to himself)
Mrs. James -
You got some mail,
XANDER: (as Mrs. James) ...um, your Playgirl magazine came. I borrowed it... I'll, um, return it tomorrow, 'kay?
a letter came today, not your report card though, that came last week.
Julie -
Mom I know it looks bad but the summer session went really well.
Mrs. James -
Well it would have to because acording to the dean you only have one more chance.
WILLOW: (as Mrs. James) ...to get into mime school. After that, it's sayonara 'stuck in a box' and goodbye 'being blown by the wind'.
Julie -
It's not that serious really.
BUFFY: (as Julie) But, if I don't get into mime school, I'll just die! All the other kids are doing it. I'll be an outcast, shunned. (sobs)
Mrs. James -
What happened to my daughter? I mean you went away and you don't call and you don't visit.
Mrs. James begins to walk out of the room.
Mrs. James -
Your father must be turning over in his grave.
XANDER: (quietly) Wow. Harsh.
BUFFY: (stares at her hands) Yeah.
Julie begins to cry as she opens the plainly marked envelope so see the words
WILLOW: (laughs) Sounds like a threat to me. 'She begins to cry, so *see the words*!'
written boldy in black marker "I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER" she looks at it terrified as she begins to cry harder.
Julie (Holding back the tears) -
Who sent this? There's no postmark or return address.
Mrs. James -
Your guess is as good as mine why what does it say?
WILLOW: (as Julie) Nothing I don't want to tell you I have to go now bye see you later I'm leaving and I'm taking my run-on sentence with me.
SPIKE: (chuckles)
Julie -
Nothing.
Julie runs up the stairs to her bedroom.
BUFFY: (as Julie, pouting) Waah, someone knows I killed that guy last summer. I hate my life.
She sits on a sofa looking at the letter all night long
WILLOW: After two hours, her eyes began to cross... four hours into it, she went blind, but she continued to stare at it. If it took all night, she would figure out how to pronounce the words.
BUFFY: (as Julie) I kuh-- kuh-- I (whines) sum-- sue--mer.
wondering who could have sent it. She hears a noise outside and runs to shut her window and curtains.
WILLOW: (as Julie) You're the only ones who understand me. What should I do, Window and Curtains?
She is scared.
EXT. - The streets of southport --- Julies car drives up to the store named Shivers.
XANDER: (amazed) By itself? Wow!
INT. - Shivers --- Back entrance Elsa
BUFFY: Elsa's full name is Back Entrance Elsa? No wonder they shortened it to just Elsa.
is talking to some guys unloading merchandise. A man drops one of the boxes.
Elsa -
Guys, easy. It's called glass, it breaks.
She walks into the main part of the store greeting some shoppers and begins to arrange some things. Julie walks into the store.
Elsa -
Well well look what the cat drug in.
XANDER: (as Julie) Another dead bird? That is *so* gross.
Julie -
Elsa, hi. You know what? I need to talk to Helen and I was wondering if you could give me her New York number?
Elsa -
Her New York number?
SPIKE: (as Julie) Are you deaf? Want me to sign it?
Julie -
Yeah I need to talk to her.
Elsa -
Fact check Julie, Helen doesn't have a New York number, if you need to speak to her I suggest you go to womens fragrances, 10 feet to your left.
Camera pans off to show Helen who is arranging some bottles of perfume.
Elsa -
Frightning isn't it?
WILLOW: Almost as frightening as the transcriber's spelling.
Helen looks up and sees the friend that she hasn't seen in a year and smiles.
Helen -
Julie?
Julie walks over to her.
Helen -
When did you get home?
Julie -
Yesterday.
Helen -
It's good to see you.
Julie -
What happened to New York.
XANDER: (as Helen, defensively) It's still there. I didn't break it if that's what you mean.
Helen -
I went for a while and it didn't really work out.
Julie pulls the letter from her pocket.
Julie -
Somebody sent this to me.
BUFFY: (as Julie) It's a love letter. I'm special, and you're not, neener, neener, neener.
A look of fear crosses Helens face.
XANDER: (as Helen) I didn't get one too?
Helen -
Oh my God.
XANDER: (as Helen) Nobody likes me!
SPIKE: (to Xander) You said it, not me.
Julie -
Somebody knows Helen.
WILLOW: Of course somebody knows Helen. Lots of people know her. Julie, Elsa, Barry, Ray, Max... and probably lots more people know her, so why is she so shocked?
BUFFY: (as Julie) Somebody knows we suck at mime school. They're threatening a lynching. Could get ugly.
Helen -
How?
Julie -
I don't know.
WILLOW: (as Julie) It just could.
Helen -
Julie we were so carefull.
Julie -
Were we? Were we?
BUFFY: (as Julie) Well? Were we? Answer me!
What if somebody saw us? What if somebody else was there that night?
SPIKE: (as Julie) They'll tell everyone we were making out, and...
WILLOW: (to Spike) And what?
SPIKE: (shrugs) That's all I got... no NC-17, remember?
Helen -
Who? It's been a year.
XANDER: Random sentences! How? There's six peanuts.
BUFFY: Where? A bird just flew by.
WILLOW: When? My blouse is falling down.
OTHERS: (look)
WILLOW: (covers her chest) I was kidding.
Julie -
I don't know.
BUFFY: (as Julie) ...why I have to dominate every conversation. Guess I'm just greedy that way.
XANDER: (as Helen) I noticed that. You're kind of--
BUFFY: (as Julie) Annoying? I know! It's the oddest thing.
XANDER: (as Helen) That's ok, I don't--
BUFFY: (as Julie) Mind? Cool! You're such a seetie.
XANDER: (as Helen) Than--
BUFFY: (as Julie) Thanks? No prob!
WILLOW: (to Spike) You feel a bit left out?
SPIKE: Nope.
Helen -
Has Barry seen this?
WILLOW: (as Helen) ...hairy mole on your butt? It's kind of icky.
SPIKE: (as Julie) No, let's go show him now!
WILLOW: (as Helen) Ok, let's!
EXT. - Barrys lawn --- Helen and Julie are walking towards the house.
Helen -
Do you ever see Barry at school?
XANDER: (as Julie) Sure, I see him a lot as he walks by me with the other cool kids, laughing... mocking. (wailing) Why am I so unloved?!
BUFFY: (as Helen) Nobody likes a perky pest.
Julie -
It's a big campus. Are you sure he came back?
Helen -
Saw his car the other day at the gym.
Julie -
Did you guys break up?
XANDER: (as Julie) ...all that concrete in your basement to fit the rest of our dead bodies into?
Barry walks out on to the patio not pleased at seeing the two of them again.
SPIKE: (as Barry) I'm not pleased at seeing the two of you again.
WILLOW: (as Helen) Julie wants to show you her big ole hairy mole. (as an afterthought) On her butt.
Barry (not excited to see them)-
SPIKE: (as Barry) I'm not excited to see you.
WILLOW: (as Helen) But... hairy mole, remember?
Hey. What are you two doing here?
WILLOW: (as Helen, quietly) Um... hairy mole...?
Helen -
Hi Bare.
XANDER: (as Helen) ...yourself, and let's get naughty!
SPIKE: (shudders)
EXT. - Barrys patio --- they are discussing the letter.
BUFFY: (as Barry) Yeah, I like B best, 'cause of how my first name starts with it.
XANDER: (as Helen) I like B too, 'cause of how you like it.
Barry -
This is nothing. I know what you did last summer?
BUFFY: (as Julie) Isn't that a movie?
Oooh, what a crock of shit.
XANDER: (as Helen) Isn't that a movie?
Helen -
We need help.
SPIKE: (as Barry) I'll say!
Barry -
Yeah I'll say,
WILLOW: (to Spike) You read ahead.
SPIKE: Did not.
WILLOW: Did so.
SPIKE: Did not.
WILLOW: Did--
BUFFY: Children!
you know what? You guys should check out a mirror once and a while, you two look like shit run over twice.
SPIKE: (as Julie, confused) Like Ray run over twice? I don't get it.
Helen -
You're a prick.
SPIKE: (as Barry) I am not a prick! But I do have one... wanna see?
BUFFY: (smacks Spike's arm) You're walking a fine line, Spike.
Julie -
We can't just ignore it.
SPIKE: (snickers)
WILLOW: (giggles)
Barry -
Come one Julie,
WILLOW: (as Barry) Come all!
how do you know this is even related? You did a lot of things last summer.
XANDER: (as Julie) Yeah, I did become a stripper. And a lawyer. Not to mention the movie I scripted, produced, directed and starred in...
BUFFY: (as Helen) You also finished Zelda.
XANDER: (as Julie) Right, can't forget that.
Julie -
Yeah well only one murder comes to mind.
Barry is extremly pissed that she mentions that night again.
SPIKE: (as Barry) I am extremely pissed that you mentioned that night again.
Barry -
You shut the hell up! We didn't murder anyone.
XANDER: (as Barry) Except that guy we ran over and dumped in the ocean... but other than that we didn't murder *anyone*!
Julie -
He was still alive when we dumped him in the water.
SPIKE: (as Julie) God, Barry, we should've at least bashed him over the head before dumping him. It was inhumane.
Helen -
Do we have to rehash this? It was an accident, the guy was in the middle of the road.
XANDER: (as Helen) ...he was fair game.
Julie -
His name was David Egan.
Barry -
Who?
Julie -
David Egan.
ALL: Who?
He was found three weeks after we....
WILLOW: (as Julie) ...dressed him up and played Weekend At Bernie's with him. Wasn't that fun?
his body was caught in a shrimp net not far from millers dock. It was in the paper,
XANDER: Wait, was the body in a shrimp net, or in the paper?
I think the police called it an accidental drowning. You can call it an accident all you want but he died because of us that's certain.
Barry -
What about Ray? Have you showed this letter to him? What does he think?
Julie -
I haven't seen Ray since last summer, we broke up and last I heard he was working up north.
Barry -
Okay let's supposed someone was there that night,
SPIKE: (to Willow) Spelling bothering you yet?
WILLOW: (to Spike) Shh! I'm supposed-ing.
why send the letter one year later? Probably some crack fucking around....Max.
ALL: O_O
Julie -
Max? You think?
Barry -
Who else? He was there.
EXT. - Fish Plant --- Julie, Helen and Barry are walking towards the building.
Barry -
You two wait here.
Julie -
What are you gonna do?
Barry -
I know what I'm doing.
BUFFY: (as Julie) Well... good for you. But I asked what you were going to do, not if you knew what you were doing.
INT. - Fish Plant --- Max is working with some lobster pots. He notices Barry walking in.
XANDER: (as Max, effiminately) Hey, Barry, wanna help me plant some tulips? I painted these pots to pretty up the place! What do you think?
Max -
Well go figure, I was just thinking to myself what ever happened to that Barry Cox?
Barry (being very polite) -
Hey Max. Hey listen can we talk for a sec? In private?
XANDER: (as Max, effiminately) Ooo! Finally, my dream come true. Our first date!
Max -
Oh what this isn't private enough for you?
BUFFY: (as Barry, seductively) Me, you, a bedroom... that's the kind of privacy I need.
XANDER: (as Max, giggles) Yes! Let's--
SPIKE: (ticked off) Hey, if I can't, then you can't.
BUFFY/XANDER (share a guilty look) Sorry.
Barry smirks and walks out back and Max follows him.
Max -
Yeah what?
Barry then grabs Max and pushes him into a block of ice holding him down.
XANDER: (as Max, excitedly) Oh... oh. Touch me, tiger! Rowr.
WILLOW: (stares at Xander) Um, something you wanna tell us, Xan?
XANDER: No, no, no, nothing here. Absolutely not. I am hetero all the way.
WILLOW: 'Kay, just wondered.
Barry -
Look you shit we got your little letter.
Max -
What the hell are you talking about?
Barry -
Don't fuck with me Max, you saw us that night.
SPIKE: (as Barry) You saw me and Ray. I'm so sorry, sweetie, forgive me?
WILLOW: (as Max) Oh yes, darling!
SPIKE: (as Barry) Kiss me, baby!
WILLOW: (as Max) Hold me, lover--
XANDER: Hello!
WILLOW: (shrugs, sharing a grin with Spike)
Max -
What the fuck are you on huh?
Barry grabs a large fish hook that was sitting on a block of ice and holds it up to Maxs face.
BUFFY: (as Barry) With, or without kinks?
OTHERS: O_O
Max -
Jesus Christ.
Barry -
Listen I'm gonna say this once, I'll fucking kill your ass, I got no problem with that...
SPIKE: I could say something here... could, but I won't.
OTHERS: Good.
Max -
Oh get the fuck off me.
XANDER: Too easy.
Barry -
You understand me?
BUFFY: (as Max) Seeing as how you're speaking English, yeah.
Max -
Get off of me.
Max struggles with Barry
XANDER: (as Max) Unh, lemme go. Meanie!
and Barry cuts Max's arm with the hook and then walks away putting the hook back where he got it from. Max is laying on the floor wondering what just happened.
WILLOW: (as Max) What just happened?
He gets up and he is angry and grabs the hook yelling at Barry who is leaving.
Max -
Mother fucker. Don't you test me mother fucker, I'll call the cops on your college quaterback ass.
WILLOW: I'm sensing some anger from Max.
EXT. - Back on the street --- Barry is walking out where Julie and Helen have been waiting.
Julie -
So did he admit to the letter?
Barry keeps walking.
Barry -
He won't bother you anymore.
Helen -
What did you do?
Barry -
I took care of it okay?
Julie -
How?
Barry -
I scared the shit out of him alright?
Stepping up from out of a boat is Ray. The old group of friends are reunited.
Barry -
Well I'll be damned.
BUFFY: (as Barry, effiminate) ...and go to hell if it isn't a heavenly piece of manmeat. Hi, Ray! Yoo hoo, Ray! Over here! Mmm, he's so precious.
Ray (to Julie) -
Hi.
Barry -
So Ray grew up to be a fisherman huh?
XANDER: (as Ray) Yeah, I've been working for Gorton's for a while now. That whole thing with the Van De Kamps fell through and... well, here I am.
Ray -
Yeah, almost a year now, I work on that one over there on the end.
Barry does not look where Ray has just pointed.
SPIKE: (as Barry) I am not looking where you just pointed, so there!
Barry -
That's nice. Have a nice life guys, I'm out of here.
Barry leaves.
BUFFY: Helen poses.
XANDER: Ray blinks.
WILLOW: Julie frowns.
SPIKE: Max dies.
Ray (to Julie) -
You got a minute?
Helen doesn't want to be intrude.
WILLOW: (laughs hysterically)
SPIKE: (to the others) I think she finally broke.
BUFFY: Will? Um, you ok?
XANDER: Hey, Will, it's ok, just a silly typo... right?
WILLOW: (stops laughing, stares straight ahead)
SPIKE: Definitely broken.
Helen -
I gotta get back to work, call me, we can get togeather.
WILLOW: (giggles)
Julie -
Yeah okay.
Helen leaves Ray and Julie alone to talk.
Julie -
We need to talk.
BUFFY: (as Ray) Yeah, um, I think that's why the author left us alone.
INT. - Fish Plant --- Ray and Julie are walking in discussing the letter.
Ray -
You think Max sent it?
Julie -
Barry does. I don't know.
Ray -
Well, you know how Max feels about you guys, look he's probably just screwing around, he doesn't have much else to do you know?
XANDER: (as Ray) He's a sad, pathetic excuse for a human being, whereas I, on the other hand, am a... (proudly) fisherman!
Julie -
Yeah maybe.
EXT. - On the wharf --- Ray and Julie are talking while he is working.
Ray -
So, how's school?
BUFFY: (as Julie) Academic-y.
Julie -
So you're a fisherman?
SPIKE: (to the others) She gonna snap out of it soon?
BUFFY: I don't know. I've never seen her go into typo-shock, it's a new experience for me.
XANDER: (not worried) She's good. This happened in the fourth grade when she talked me into letting her read my book report... she'll come out of it in five minutes or so.
SPIKE: (raises an eyebrow at them) And humans think vampires are odd?
XANDER/BUFFY: Yes.
Ray -
Yeah prophecy fullfilled right? I've become my father.
WILLOW: (snickers)
Julie -
I thought you didn't know your dad?
Ray -
Ah he worked the boats, that's all I do know about him.
Pause.
XANDER: ...pause... pause... now go!
Ray -
Look I thought a lot about last summer, I know you hold me responsible for what happened.
Julie -
I don't hold you responsible, no I'm responsible for my own actions and I don't blame you. But I don't want to know you either.
BUFFY: (chastising) That was kind of harsh.
She runs away from a confused Ray leaving him there all alone.
SPIKE: All alone with the other fishermen.
XANDER: And dockhands.
BUFFY: And boat owners.
SPIKE: And-- (looks at Willow) I think she's coming out of it.
XANDER: (looks) Yep.
BUFFY: Welcome back, Will.
INT. - Fish Plant - Max is cooking lobsters. he burns his finger and goes to get gloves. He sees a shadow through the steam from the boiling water and looks closer to see what it is and sees someone in a black slicker coming towards him and then the hook goes through his throat and dragging him across the table.
WILLOW: (blinks a few times) ...what? 'And dragging him across the table...' what? Incomplete sentence! Arrest that man! (shakes her head as if to clear it) Where are we?
XANDER: (pats her knee soothingly) You're safe. Remember the script reading thing? Being stuck in a room with us?
WILLOW: (nods slowly) Right. I forgot. I got trapped in Typo Hell.
BUFFY: So we noticed. You ok?
SPIKE: (sighs in irritation)
WILLOW: I'm good. All better now. Let's read on.
EXT - SouthPort street --- Barry is pulling up to the South Port Muscle.
INT. - Southport Muscle. --- Barry is working out, punching and kickboxing.
INT. - Locker Room --- Barry is taking tape off his hands and sees a shadow.
BUFFY: (as Barry) Um, excuse me, no shadows allowed in here, didn't you see the sign?
Barry -
Hello??
INT. - Shower --- Barry is showering after his workout, he sees a shadow go past the door.
BUFFY: (as Barry, calling) That's right, you just keep on going out the door, Mr. High and Mighty Shadow Man, thinking you're better than the other shadows, breaking the rules and--
WILLOW: (to Buffy) ... Um?
BUFFY: (shrugs)
Barry -
Hello???
INT. - Locker Room --- Barry sees a ploaroid
WILLOW: (starts twitching)
XANDER: (as Crocodile Hunter) The hunter spots his prey... oh, crikey! It's the infamous ploaroid, native to North America, and England. He slowly approaches it, giving it ample space, staying to its blind side... suddenly, there's danger! The ploaroid sees our man, and jumps on him, taking him to the ground... (sees the others' stares) I'm alone on that one, huh?
OTHERS: Yeah.
picture sticking out of his locker, he looks at it, it's a picture of his car which is parked outside with "I Know" written on the picture. He looks in his locked and his jacket is missing.
SPIKE: Huh?
BUFFY: Don't try to understand it.
Barry -
My fucking jacket.
WILLOW: (as Barry) It's cheating on me with my sweater! The ho!
He quickly gets dressed and runs out into the lobby where an old man working is reading the newspaper.
Barry -
Who else is here? anybody else working out?
Worker -
Just you and me pal.
BUFFY: (as Worker) It may not look like I'm working out, but as I sit here and read, I'm also doing my Kiegle exercises.
WILLOW: (snorts with laughter)
XANDER: What are Kiegle--
SPIKE: You don't want to know.
XANDER: Yes, I do.
SPIKE: No, you don't
XANDER: I really, really do.
WILLOW: (leans over and whispers in Xander's ear)
XANDER: (shudders) I really, really didn't.
SPIKE: (laughs)
Barry runs outdoor to see his car is being backed out of the parking lot, he chases after it.
XANDER: (as Barry) Wait! Car, please, we can work this out! I never meant to hurt you. But you said you wanted to see other cars...
Barry -
Hey! Hey! Fucker.
SPIKE: You fuck her, you brought her!
WILLOW: Well, that's it, we're officially in NC-17 territory. Thanks.
SPIKE: Anytime, pet.
The car back into the end of the street with Barry chasing it, the car stops, Barry is looking directly at it.
BUFFY: (as Barry, crying) Please, car, I love you.
Barry -
Max, you're fucking dead.
XANDER: Hey, Barry's being an omnipotent character.
WILLOW: No, he's not, he's threatening Max, not stating a fact.
XANDER: Oh. Hey, Barry's being mean.
The headlights of the car come on and starts speeding towards Barry, he starts to run away but the car is right behind him. He is backed up against an old deserted building with nowhere to go, he is looking at the car trying to think of something to do, the car pauses and then rams into Barry who flips up onto the windsheild and the car pushes him through the building. The car stops and someone in a slicker gets out and is looking down at an injured Barry. Barry is screaming for help.
XANDER: (as Barry) Help, you better get your ass over here right now!
Barry -
Help me!!! help me!! somebody. What do you want????
The slicker-clad madman pulls out a big fishing hook.
Barry -
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I swear we didn't mean it , please don't.
WILLOW: (as Barry) We didn't mean to hit you and drive your body to the wharf, then throw you in when you turned out to be alive.
SPIKE: That comma up there is trying to get away... quick, catch it! (pauses) Oh, God, I'm turning into Willow.
WILLOW: (looks offended)
Screen fades to black.
INT. - Southport hospital - Julie is getting off the elevator and sees Ray.
INT. - Barrys hospital room - the four former friends are all in there talking about what just happened.
BUFFY: (looks up) Did something happen? What'd I miss?
XANDER: Um, a car ran over Barry, and a fisherman stood over him with a hook. Doesn't ring any bells?
BUFFY: (embarrassed) I was sort of filing my nails. (pulls an emory board out from under her thigh)
SPIKE: (snorts in disgust)
BUFFY: Hey, I had a chipped nail. Nothing worse than a nail that snags on everything... it's annoying. (glares at Spike) At least I don't paint mine black.
SPIKE: (shrugs, not caring)
WILLOW: (looking from one to the other) Me-ow!
Barry -
No for the fortieth fucking time I couldn't see his face.
SPIKE: (as Barry) He was behind me, and I was busy enjoying--
WILLOW: (slaps her hand over his mouth) Don't say it! I know where you're going, and I can't let you do it.
SPIKE: (pulls her hand away, amused) And you're going to do what to stop me?
WILLOW: (silent)
SPIKE: (snorts) That's what I thought. Ahem. He was--
WILLOW: (slaps her hand over his mouth again)
SPIKE: (sighs) Fine, I won't say it. Prudes.
WILLOW: Pervert.
XANDER: Kids, please.
Julie -
We have no choice here okay? Somebody tried to kill you last night, we have to go to the police.
Barry -
No he wasn't trying to kill me last night, if he wanted me dead he could've done it, he's just fucking with us.
SPIKE: (smirks) Some more than others.
WILLOW: (glares at Spike)
SPIKE: (rolls his eyes)
Helen -
Who is?
XANDER: (as Barry) Um, the guy who attacked me last night. Pay attention!
Barry -
I don't know, some guy in a slicker.
BUFFY: (as Helen) Oh, I thought you meant that guy who attacked you last night.
Ray -
Well that narrows it down, this being a quaint little fishing village and all.
Barry -
Since you bring it up, we all know you have a slicker.
BUFFY: (as Ray) That darling little red one? Isn't it adorable?
Ray -
You are not going to throw this on me.
XANDER: What's he throwing?
WILLOW: Blame.
XANDER: Ah.
Helen -
Come on you guys please don't do this.
Julie -
This isn't getting us anywhere.
BUFFY: (as Julie, frustrated) We're still in the same room, why aren't we magickally moving?
Ray -
Look, maybe we should just come clean.
WILLOW: (as Barry) No, I like being dirty. It's fun. And naughty... and stuff.
SPIKE: (to Willow) What would you know about being naughty?
WILLOW: (insulted) I've done things. Bad things... not-so-nice things.
SPIKE: (laughing) I'll just bet. Let's hear 'em then. What bad things did little miss innocent do?
BUFFY: You mean besides date a werewolf?
XANDER: Besides play vampire for the group of vampires an alternate universe-vampire Willow had amassed in just a few hours?
SPIKE: (rolling his eyes) Yes, I mean besides those.
WILLOW: Wouldn't you like to know?
SPIKE: (sarcastically) No, that's why I asked.
WILLOW: Moving on...
Barry -
No. No. We made a pact and we're keep it.
XANDER: 'We're keep it'? He speaks in english words, but he makes a sense that isn't.
Julie -
Yeah but this is insane now Barry look at us, this secret's killing us.
BUFFY: (as Julie) Ahh! It got me, I'm dying... the secret got me, man. Tell my mom...(gasps) tell her I was always prettier than her... (gasps, stops breathing)
WILLOW/XANDER: (applaud)
Barry -
I'm not going to the police and you're not either.
Julie -
Barry please, we could put an end to it and maybe salvage some small fraction of a life.
WILLOW: (as Helen) I want this small fraction.
BUFFY: (as Julie) No! That one's mine, and you can't have it.
XANDER: (as Ray) Tough patooties! It's mine now, muwahahaha.
WILLOW: (to Xander) 'Muwahahaha'? Who actually says that?
XANDER: Me.
Barry -
And how do we do that? Huh? There was no accident Julie it was murder, your words remember? Murder. I say we find the fuck who's doing this and have a little one on one.
SPIKE: (opens his mouth)
BUFFY: No.
SPIKE: What? I only wanted to say--
WILLOW: Don't.
SPIKE: (growls in frustration)
Ray -
What like last night Bare?
SPIKE: (as Barry) Hey, how'd you know me and fisherman had a fling last night? Did you watch us, you pervert?
OTHERS: (sigh)
BUFFY: Just had to get that in there, didn't you?
SPIKE: Pretty much, yeah.
Barry jumps to a sitting position in his bed.
Barry -
Fuck you man.
SPIKE: (as Ray) You played that last night, and you lost.
XANDER: (to Spike) Scream?
SPIKE: (nods)
WILLOW: The blood and guts?
SPIKE: (nods)
BUFFY: Ew.
Helen -
No Barry's right, whosever doing this isn't going to the police, we could this guy, talk to him.
WILLOW: (twitches) Ack!
Barry -
How do we find him?
Helen -
Well it's got to be a friend or a family member of the guy we hit. What was his name??
Julie -
David Egan.
ALL: Who?
Helen -
Right...David Egan.
ALL: Who?
EXT. - Hospital --- Julie, Ray and Helen are walking through the hall ready to leave and they are discussing what they should do.
XANDER: (as Ray) What should we do?
BUFFY: (as Julie, uninterested) I dunno.
WILLOW: (as Helen) Where are we?
Ray -
Look I don't think we should give up on Max, it could still be him.
XANDER: Could not. Max is dead.
WILLOW: They don't know that.
XANDER: Oh, right, Barry is Omnipotent Boy, not Ray.
Julie -
Then find him Ray, prove Barry wrong, that's what you want isn't it?
XANDER: (as Ray) Um, yes?
Ray -
No, no,
XANDER: (as Ray) Um, no?
what I want is for you and me to just...
WILLOW: (as Ray) ...get it on. Right here, right now.
Julie -
Listen to me Ray okay, I want you to get something,
WILLOW: (as Julie) ... me! Here I am, take me!
BUFFY: (to Willow) Uh, I think Spike's rubbing off on you.
SPIKE: Not yet, but I could if you really wanted me to.
XANDER: And you've been hallucinating for how long now?
there is no you and me.
Julie takes off down the stairs instead of waiting for the elevator. Ray and Helen look at each other and Helen follows Julie.
INT. - Julies house - Julie and Helen are looking up articles about David Egan on the internet.
BUFFY: (as Julie) Wow, check out all these nude pictures... David was a cutie.
Julie -
Okay I can access the local library online, I think we can cross-refrence and pull up all we need to know.
WILLOW: I don't feel like cross-refrencing. Let's cross-reference instead.
She finds what she is looking for and types in her querey.
WILLOW: (irritably) If I ever find the transcriber, I'm gonna give him--
XANDER: A piece of your mind?
WILLOW: No, a spell checker.
Julie -
Egan, David.
A bunch of articles pop up on the screen.
BUFFY: Ahh! Don't do that!
Helen -
All these articles are about David Egan?
SPIKE: (as Julie) Nah, I did a search on 'hot women with big breasts'.
BUFFY: (to Spike) You're a pig, Spike.
SPIKE: So you feel the need to constantly tell me.
Julie -
Yeah or at least mention him, it should pull up anything with his name.
Julie-
Wait, July 5th two years ago, what's this?
WILLOW: (as Helen) It's a date.
Julie start reading one outloud.
Julie -
Susie Willis died of drowning, she was trapped in a car after it skided out of control on the reefs near Dawsons beach, the driver David Egan was unharmed.
SPIKE: How does one skide?
WILLOW: Very carefully.
Helen -
I remember that wreck two summers ago.
BUFFY: (as Julie) Yes. This accident, two years ago, was two summers before, do you remember it, from two years ago?
WILLOW: (as Helen) The one from two summers ago?
BUFFY: (as Julie) No, the one from two years ago.
WILLOW: (as Helen) Oh... right. The one that happened two years ago. I think I remember that accident that happened two summers before.
Julie (still reading) -
Susie was engaged to David, they were gonna be married. Wait a second I remember he had her name tattooed on his arm, I saw it.
Julie pops up another article.
XANDER: (as Helen, gasps) It's magic!
Julie -
Survived by his mother Claire and sister Melissa Egan of Marible County.
Helen -
They live in the sticks, what do you think?
SPIKE: (as Julie) I try not to.
Julie -
Whadda we got to lose??
XANDER: (as Helen) You mean besides our lives?
EXT. - Marible County Road --- Julie and Helen are driving to the Egan house. Helen is reading a map.
BUFFY: (as Helen) Left at Bay... r-- ro-- um, what's this say?
WILLOW: (as Julie) Road.
Helen -
Turn right.
WILLOW: (as Julie) But you just said left!
Julie -
Where??
Helen -
Back there.
XANDER: (as Helen, giggles) I made a mistake, I'm so cute!
They back the car up to get to the road they are looking for and turn down it.
Helen -
What exactly is the plan? I mean are we just gonna ring the doorbell and say we killed your son and we were in the neighborhood so...
SPIKE: (as Julie) Yes. Why? You think we shouldn't?
Julie -
Look I thought we would scope it out then play it by ear.
XANDER: (confused) Scoop it out and play with her ear? What--
WILLOW: Don't create mistakes where there aren't any.
XANDER: (rubs his eyes and reads it again) Oh.
Helen -
Don't you think we should have some sort of a plan? Angela Landsbury always had a plan.
BUFFY: (as Julie, scornfully) Angela Lansbury was a character on a t.v. show... we're real.
WILLOW: (as Helen) Um, Angela Lansbury's her real name. You're a stupid-head.
The car stops at a mailbox that has "Egan" written is bold letters.
XANDER: Look at those bold letters, just displaying themselves boldly... the sluts.
EXT. - The Egans driveway --- Julie and Helen are walking towards the house.
SPIKE: And the house is backing away, but it does no good. They just keep coming.
Helen -
What if they're waiting for us? What if they recognize us? They could have a gun and shoot us dead.
BUFFY: As opposed to shooting them wounded.
SPIKE: (snorts with laughter)
Julie -
It's been a year Helen, they could have done that already.
Helen -
Yeah, Jodi Foster tried this and a skinner of a serial killer answered the door.
SPIKE: Excellent movie.
XANDER: Really? Even without the blood and guts?
SPIKE: (shrugs) I have layers.
They get to the house and knock on the door twice and no one answers.
Helen -
Well it was a good try.
WILLOW: (as Julie) Maybe we could try waiting longer than half a second before giving up.
Julie is not satisfied,
SPIKE: I've got a solution for that.
BUFFY: (sighs) I'll bet you do.
SPIKE: Can I help it if the words lend themselves to sexual interpretation?
BUFFY: Yes.
she walks around the side of the house and looks in a window.
BUFFY: Peeping Tom!
Helen -
Adding breaking and entering to our crime spree?
WILLOW: (as Julie, in an exceedingly perky voice) Unh-huh!
A womans image appears in a old mirror that is sitting next to the house.
XANDER: A old mirror?
WILLOW: The transcriber is so poor, he couldn't afford that extra 'N'.
XANDER: (nods wisely)
The woman is Missy Egan.
XANDER: Missy Egan is 'The Woman!' in this year's blockbuster, 'The Woman!'. Starring Missy Egan as, 'The Woman!'.
Missy -
Can I help you?
SPIKE: (as Helen) We're beyond help.
Julie -
Oh, hi, our car stalled down the road and we were just wondering if maybe we could use your phone?
WILLOW: (as Missy) No! Absolutely not! It's my phone. Mine!
INT. - The Egan house ---
Missy -
Phone's over there.
XANDER: Ceiling's up there.
BUFFY: Floor's down there.
WILLOW: Wall's over there.
SPIKE: No.
Julie -
Oh thanks. Jody, will you call triple A?
XANDER: (as Helen) Who are you talking to, Julie? My name is Helen, remember? We grew up together, friends all our lives... so who is-- oh. Um, (flatly) yes I will call Triple-A, thank you very much for asking.
Helen -
You got it, Angela.
WILLOW: (as Julie, to Missy) She thinks I've got 'IT'.
Helen turns to go to the telephone and her face walks into a black fishing slicker
ALL: (laugh)
BUFFY: (still giggling) Her face walked into something? Where was the rest of her when this happened?
and she screams. Julie just laughs to not look suspicious. Helen composses herself and goes to the phone.
WILLOW: (as Julie, laughs nervously) It's funny. Ha ha. She's so funny when she's scared to death.
Missy -
My name's Missy Egan. Are you girls from Mirable?
XANDER: (as Julie) Like, oh my God, no! We're not hicks! I mean, um, no.
Julie -
No, Southport.
Missy -
Oh I went to Southport High.
Julie -
Yeah I knew you looked fimiliar,
WILLOW: Suck up.
SPIKE: (sighs) Don't feed me lines unless you're prepared to accept the consequences.
WILLOW: I wasn't feeding you anything. So just keep your mouth-- well, ok, I see how that could be construed as... so! How's that door coming along?
BUFFY: (chuckles) Wow, the top, and half the other side is there, and, look!
XANDER: Cool.
A/N: End chapter two. I had this all as one big, long story, but was told it was too long, which it is, so I'm breaking it into chapters. Nothing new added, except this message, April, 4, 2002.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________
an MST3K of
I Know What You Did Last Summer
by sinecure
Starring Spike, Willow, Xander, and Buffy... just 'cause. How did they get forced into reading bad scripts? I don't know! They just have to do it because I said so... isn't that good enough? No? Well, fine, then I'll do a little intro and explain it all away... I might even make it make sense. I can do that, 'cause it's my fanfic/MST/type thing. So there. ;P
Disclaimer: This movie, I know What You Did Last Summer, and the shows Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and Angel (in case I mention stuff from there) don't belong to me. I'm, like, show-less and movie-less, which probably explains why I'm writing fanfics and parodies of fanfics. Huh.
I actually liked the movie, so all the ripping, and jokes and such, are done in good faith. Speaking of Faith, this takes place during season 4, sometime in the middle. After Oz leaves, before Tara comes in, after Anya, after Riley... um, and that's about it, I think. No time specific.
This transcript was transcribed by someone else, I found it, and decided to use it for my own devious devices, for I am evil. Anyway, all typos in the script belong to the transcriber, and if he/she doesn't like this being used, let me know and I'll beg you lots to let me use it.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________
Thefour of them stood up, stretching and walking around the room. The pizza box was still on the floor, so Xander grabbed it and took a seat in the middle of the couch. Willow and Buffy sat on either side of him, grabbing a piece each.
"Cold, just like I like it," Xander said just before taking a huge bite.
"Mine's warm." Willow bit into her slice with a happy smile, making Spike roll his eyes.
Why did they always have to be so damn happy all the time? Was a little occasional misery too much to ask for? Having already eaten, and not in the mood for human food, he went to examine the mark on the wall. It was about the same size as it was when they last checked it, maybe a little longer. A smidgen.
"Oh, hey, my piece is hot. Made to order. Cool," Buffy said, then raised her voice slightly, "A nice cold beverage would be... uh, nice."
Low and behold, the green light came and went, leaving behind a pitcher of water and four glasses. Willow poured them all a glass, even bringing one to Spike. How sweet.
When she neared him, he glared at her until she set the glass down on the table in front of the chairs and went back to the others. They sat there, eating and chattering, for a good twenty minutes. When he could stand it no longer, he sat in the chair and snarled at them.
They sighed and joined him in the chairs, setting the glasses on the table in front of him. They took the same seats as before, none of them making the move to start again. They pretty much all stared at the script with resignation, but didn't move.
"No time like the present," Willow muttered, taking a sip of her water.
"Damn straight," Spike agreed, lighting a cigarette.
Buffy sighed and grabbed the remainder of the script. "Wimps."
_______________________________________________________________________________________________
ONE YEAR LATER
EXT. Julies college. --- Students are running around on campus.
WILLOW: Ah, the infamous Julies College. I applied there.
BUFFY: Get in?
XANDER: Of course she did. Every college in the world said yes to her.
SPIKE: (impressed) Yeah?
WILLOW: (nods) Yeah. Except of course the phony Julies College that I just made up.
SPIKE: (sarcastically) Duh.
INT. Julies dormroom. --- Julies roommate Deb walks in.
Deb -
Yo, it's time to go.
Julie turns around from her computer revealing that the last year has sure taken its toll on her.
XANDER: The toll was a dollar seventy-five a day. And she looked it.
Deb -
Come on, move your tired ugly ass girl we're late.
XANDER: ...for our put-down class. Let's go, you sleazy chum-eater.
Julie -
I changed my mind, I'm not going.
Deb -
Julie, get your white as death, chalky corpse in the car now.
BUFFY: With friends like Deb, who needs vampires?
SPIKE: Ahem.
WILLOW: She didn't mean you, Spike, she meant evil ones. Well, ones that can still hurt humans... um...
SPIKE: (glaring at Willow)
BUFFY/XANDER: (laughing)
WILLOW: (miserably) Sorry.
Pause.
XANDER: Halt.
WILLOW: Hesitate.
BUFFY: Rest.
SPIKE: Stop. Please.
Deb -
I said come on. Julie you're going home for the summer and you're going to get a tan on that pasty pale tail of yours.
They both giggle.
BUFFY: (as Julie) It's funny when we ridicule and make fun of me.
Deb -
Let's go.
BUFFY: (as Deb) ...ridicule and make fun of other people. Yay.
EXT. - Julies house - Deb is pulling the car into the driveway. Julie takes her bag from the backseat.
Deb -
Remember, sun and fun.
SPIKE: (as Deb) ...is deadly for vampires, so stay to the shadows and you'll be fine.
Julie -
Yeah.
Deb drives off leaving Julie home,
XANDER: (laughing) What is she? A dog?
where she doesn't want to be.
XANDER: (as Julie) Take me back to the pound. Arf.
Mrs. James -
Julie? Welcome home dear.
WILLOW: (as Julie) Who's dear? Because, I know that if you were calling me dear you would have put a comma before the word dear, but you didn't, so who the heck is dear? Huh? Who is it?
SPIKE: (to Willow) You've got some serious issues.
WILLOW: Do not.
Julie turns around to see her mother who she hasn't seen since last summer.
BUFFY: (as Julie) Geez, Mom, you got old. You've got this wrinkle-thing going on with your eyes.
Mrs. James -
I missed you.
BUFFY: (as Julie) How nice for you. Here's my laundry, and um, I want dinner at six exactly. Don't be late, gotta go. Ciao!
INT. - Julies Kitchen - Julie and her mother are eating.
Mrs. James -
How's the snapper?
XANDER: (as Mrs. James) How's that young whipper snapper doing?
Julie just fakes a smile.
Mrs. James -
I really wanted monkfish but it's been a bad season.
WILLOW: (as Mrs. James) The monks never hold still long enough for us to catch them. Rude, huh?
Julie sits stonefaced.
BUFFY: Bet that hurts.
Mrs- James -
Are you on drugs?
Julie is surprised by the question.
Julie -
What?
Mrs. James -
I just wanted to surprise you, I want an honest reaction.
Julie -
No. No mom no drugs.
BUFFY: (as Mrs. James) Damn, I wanted to borrow some, now I'm gonna have to make a trip to my dealer. Some daughter you are! Can't even supply your own mother with drugs... you tea-totalling freak!
SPIKE: (drops his cigarette to the floor and steps on it) There something you want to tell us, Slayer?
BUFFY: (confused) Huh?
SPIKE: Nothing.
Mrs. James -
Well than what is wrong? I mean you look like death.
WILLOW: (as Julie) I am death. Wanna play chess with me?
XANDER: She's a whiz.
Julie -
Yeah well I've had a rough year.
BUFFY: (as Julie) Rough years make me look dead.
Julies mom clears the table and Julie gets up and walks towards the living room looking at old awards and pictures of her father. Julies mother walks in.
SPIKE: (leans over to Willow) The 'Julies' typos not bothering you?
WILLOW: (tightly) No!
SPIKE: (chuckles to himself)
Mrs. James -
You got some mail,
XANDER: (as Mrs. James) ...um, your Playgirl magazine came. I borrowed it... I'll, um, return it tomorrow, 'kay?
a letter came today, not your report card though, that came last week.
Julie -
Mom I know it looks bad but the summer session went really well.
Mrs. James -
Well it would have to because acording to the dean you only have one more chance.
WILLOW: (as Mrs. James) ...to get into mime school. After that, it's sayonara 'stuck in a box' and goodbye 'being blown by the wind'.
Julie -
It's not that serious really.
BUFFY: (as Julie) But, if I don't get into mime school, I'll just die! All the other kids are doing it. I'll be an outcast, shunned. (sobs)
Mrs. James -
What happened to my daughter? I mean you went away and you don't call and you don't visit.
Mrs. James begins to walk out of the room.
Mrs. James -
Your father must be turning over in his grave.
XANDER: (quietly) Wow. Harsh.
BUFFY: (stares at her hands) Yeah.
Julie begins to cry as she opens the plainly marked envelope so see the words
WILLOW: (laughs) Sounds like a threat to me. 'She begins to cry, so *see the words*!'
written boldy in black marker "I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER" she looks at it terrified as she begins to cry harder.
Julie (Holding back the tears) -
Who sent this? There's no postmark or return address.
Mrs. James -
Your guess is as good as mine why what does it say?
WILLOW: (as Julie) Nothing I don't want to tell you I have to go now bye see you later I'm leaving and I'm taking my run-on sentence with me.
SPIKE: (chuckles)
Julie -
Nothing.
Julie runs up the stairs to her bedroom.
BUFFY: (as Julie, pouting) Waah, someone knows I killed that guy last summer. I hate my life.
She sits on a sofa looking at the letter all night long
WILLOW: After two hours, her eyes began to cross... four hours into it, she went blind, but she continued to stare at it. If it took all night, she would figure out how to pronounce the words.
BUFFY: (as Julie) I kuh-- kuh-- I (whines) sum-- sue--mer.
wondering who could have sent it. She hears a noise outside and runs to shut her window and curtains.
WILLOW: (as Julie) You're the only ones who understand me. What should I do, Window and Curtains?
She is scared.
EXT. - The streets of southport --- Julies car drives up to the store named Shivers.
XANDER: (amazed) By itself? Wow!
INT. - Shivers --- Back entrance Elsa
BUFFY: Elsa's full name is Back Entrance Elsa? No wonder they shortened it to just Elsa.
is talking to some guys unloading merchandise. A man drops one of the boxes.
Elsa -
Guys, easy. It's called glass, it breaks.
She walks into the main part of the store greeting some shoppers and begins to arrange some things. Julie walks into the store.
Elsa -
Well well look what the cat drug in.
XANDER: (as Julie) Another dead bird? That is *so* gross.
Julie -
Elsa, hi. You know what? I need to talk to Helen and I was wondering if you could give me her New York number?
Elsa -
Her New York number?
SPIKE: (as Julie) Are you deaf? Want me to sign it?
Julie -
Yeah I need to talk to her.
Elsa -
Fact check Julie, Helen doesn't have a New York number, if you need to speak to her I suggest you go to womens fragrances, 10 feet to your left.
Camera pans off to show Helen who is arranging some bottles of perfume.
Elsa -
Frightning isn't it?
WILLOW: Almost as frightening as the transcriber's spelling.
Helen looks up and sees the friend that she hasn't seen in a year and smiles.
Helen -
Julie?
Julie walks over to her.
Helen -
When did you get home?
Julie -
Yesterday.
Helen -
It's good to see you.
Julie -
What happened to New York.
XANDER: (as Helen, defensively) It's still there. I didn't break it if that's what you mean.
Helen -
I went for a while and it didn't really work out.
Julie pulls the letter from her pocket.
Julie -
Somebody sent this to me.
BUFFY: (as Julie) It's a love letter. I'm special, and you're not, neener, neener, neener.
A look of fear crosses Helens face.
XANDER: (as Helen) I didn't get one too?
Helen -
Oh my God.
XANDER: (as Helen) Nobody likes me!
SPIKE: (to Xander) You said it, not me.
Julie -
Somebody knows Helen.
WILLOW: Of course somebody knows Helen. Lots of people know her. Julie, Elsa, Barry, Ray, Max... and probably lots more people know her, so why is she so shocked?
BUFFY: (as Julie) Somebody knows we suck at mime school. They're threatening a lynching. Could get ugly.
Helen -
How?
Julie -
I don't know.
WILLOW: (as Julie) It just could.
Helen -
Julie we were so carefull.
Julie -
Were we? Were we?
BUFFY: (as Julie) Well? Were we? Answer me!
What if somebody saw us? What if somebody else was there that night?
SPIKE: (as Julie) They'll tell everyone we were making out, and...
WILLOW: (to Spike) And what?
SPIKE: (shrugs) That's all I got... no NC-17, remember?
Helen -
Who? It's been a year.
XANDER: Random sentences! How? There's six peanuts.
BUFFY: Where? A bird just flew by.
WILLOW: When? My blouse is falling down.
OTHERS: (look)
WILLOW: (covers her chest) I was kidding.
Julie -
I don't know.
BUFFY: (as Julie) ...why I have to dominate every conversation. Guess I'm just greedy that way.
XANDER: (as Helen) I noticed that. You're kind of--
BUFFY: (as Julie) Annoying? I know! It's the oddest thing.
XANDER: (as Helen) That's ok, I don't--
BUFFY: (as Julie) Mind? Cool! You're such a seetie.
XANDER: (as Helen) Than--
BUFFY: (as Julie) Thanks? No prob!
WILLOW: (to Spike) You feel a bit left out?
SPIKE: Nope.
Helen -
Has Barry seen this?
WILLOW: (as Helen) ...hairy mole on your butt? It's kind of icky.
SPIKE: (as Julie) No, let's go show him now!
WILLOW: (as Helen) Ok, let's!
EXT. - Barrys lawn --- Helen and Julie are walking towards the house.
Helen -
Do you ever see Barry at school?
XANDER: (as Julie) Sure, I see him a lot as he walks by me with the other cool kids, laughing... mocking. (wailing) Why am I so unloved?!
BUFFY: (as Helen) Nobody likes a perky pest.
Julie -
It's a big campus. Are you sure he came back?
Helen -
Saw his car the other day at the gym.
Julie -
Did you guys break up?
XANDER: (as Julie) ...all that concrete in your basement to fit the rest of our dead bodies into?
Barry walks out on to the patio not pleased at seeing the two of them again.
SPIKE: (as Barry) I'm not pleased at seeing the two of you again.
WILLOW: (as Helen) Julie wants to show you her big ole hairy mole. (as an afterthought) On her butt.
Barry (not excited to see them)-
SPIKE: (as Barry) I'm not excited to see you.
WILLOW: (as Helen) But... hairy mole, remember?
Hey. What are you two doing here?
WILLOW: (as Helen, quietly) Um... hairy mole...?
Helen -
Hi Bare.
XANDER: (as Helen) ...yourself, and let's get naughty!
SPIKE: (shudders)
EXT. - Barrys patio --- they are discussing the letter.
BUFFY: (as Barry) Yeah, I like B best, 'cause of how my first name starts with it.
XANDER: (as Helen) I like B too, 'cause of how you like it.
Barry -
This is nothing. I know what you did last summer?
BUFFY: (as Julie) Isn't that a movie?
Oooh, what a crock of shit.
XANDER: (as Helen) Isn't that a movie?
Helen -
We need help.
SPIKE: (as Barry) I'll say!
Barry -
Yeah I'll say,
WILLOW: (to Spike) You read ahead.
SPIKE: Did not.
WILLOW: Did so.
SPIKE: Did not.
WILLOW: Did--
BUFFY: Children!
you know what? You guys should check out a mirror once and a while, you two look like shit run over twice.
SPIKE: (as Julie, confused) Like Ray run over twice? I don't get it.
Helen -
You're a prick.
SPIKE: (as Barry) I am not a prick! But I do have one... wanna see?
BUFFY: (smacks Spike's arm) You're walking a fine line, Spike.
Julie -
We can't just ignore it.
SPIKE: (snickers)
WILLOW: (giggles)
Barry -
Come one Julie,
WILLOW: (as Barry) Come all!
how do you know this is even related? You did a lot of things last summer.
XANDER: (as Julie) Yeah, I did become a stripper. And a lawyer. Not to mention the movie I scripted, produced, directed and starred in...
BUFFY: (as Helen) You also finished Zelda.
XANDER: (as Julie) Right, can't forget that.
Julie -
Yeah well only one murder comes to mind.
Barry is extremly pissed that she mentions that night again.
SPIKE: (as Barry) I am extremely pissed that you mentioned that night again.
Barry -
You shut the hell up! We didn't murder anyone.
XANDER: (as Barry) Except that guy we ran over and dumped in the ocean... but other than that we didn't murder *anyone*!
Julie -
He was still alive when we dumped him in the water.
SPIKE: (as Julie) God, Barry, we should've at least bashed him over the head before dumping him. It was inhumane.
Helen -
Do we have to rehash this? It was an accident, the guy was in the middle of the road.
XANDER: (as Helen) ...he was fair game.
Julie -
His name was David Egan.
Barry -
Who?
Julie -
David Egan.
ALL: Who?
He was found three weeks after we....
WILLOW: (as Julie) ...dressed him up and played Weekend At Bernie's with him. Wasn't that fun?
his body was caught in a shrimp net not far from millers dock. It was in the paper,
XANDER: Wait, was the body in a shrimp net, or in the paper?
I think the police called it an accidental drowning. You can call it an accident all you want but he died because of us that's certain.
Barry -
What about Ray? Have you showed this letter to him? What does he think?
Julie -
I haven't seen Ray since last summer, we broke up and last I heard he was working up north.
Barry -
Okay let's supposed someone was there that night,
SPIKE: (to Willow) Spelling bothering you yet?
WILLOW: (to Spike) Shh! I'm supposed-ing.
why send the letter one year later? Probably some crack fucking around....Max.
ALL: O_O
Julie -
Max? You think?
Barry -
Who else? He was there.
EXT. - Fish Plant --- Julie, Helen and Barry are walking towards the building.
Barry -
You two wait here.
Julie -
What are you gonna do?
Barry -
I know what I'm doing.
BUFFY: (as Julie) Well... good for you. But I asked what you were going to do, not if you knew what you were doing.
INT. - Fish Plant --- Max is working with some lobster pots. He notices Barry walking in.
XANDER: (as Max, effiminately) Hey, Barry, wanna help me plant some tulips? I painted these pots to pretty up the place! What do you think?
Max -
Well go figure, I was just thinking to myself what ever happened to that Barry Cox?
Barry (being very polite) -
Hey Max. Hey listen can we talk for a sec? In private?
XANDER: (as Max, effiminately) Ooo! Finally, my dream come true. Our first date!
Max -
Oh what this isn't private enough for you?
BUFFY: (as Barry, seductively) Me, you, a bedroom... that's the kind of privacy I need.
XANDER: (as Max, giggles) Yes! Let's--
SPIKE: (ticked off) Hey, if I can't, then you can't.
BUFFY/XANDER (share a guilty look) Sorry.
Barry smirks and walks out back and Max follows him.
Max -
Yeah what?
Barry then grabs Max and pushes him into a block of ice holding him down.
XANDER: (as Max, excitedly) Oh... oh. Touch me, tiger! Rowr.
WILLOW: (stares at Xander) Um, something you wanna tell us, Xan?
XANDER: No, no, no, nothing here. Absolutely not. I am hetero all the way.
WILLOW: 'Kay, just wondered.
Barry -
Look you shit we got your little letter.
Max -
What the hell are you talking about?
Barry -
Don't fuck with me Max, you saw us that night.
SPIKE: (as Barry) You saw me and Ray. I'm so sorry, sweetie, forgive me?
WILLOW: (as Max) Oh yes, darling!
SPIKE: (as Barry) Kiss me, baby!
WILLOW: (as Max) Hold me, lover--
XANDER: Hello!
WILLOW: (shrugs, sharing a grin with Spike)
Max -
What the fuck are you on huh?
Barry grabs a large fish hook that was sitting on a block of ice and holds it up to Maxs face.
BUFFY: (as Barry) With, or without kinks?
OTHERS: O_O
Max -
Jesus Christ.
Barry -
Listen I'm gonna say this once, I'll fucking kill your ass, I got no problem with that...
SPIKE: I could say something here... could, but I won't.
OTHERS: Good.
Max -
Oh get the fuck off me.
XANDER: Too easy.
Barry -
You understand me?
BUFFY: (as Max) Seeing as how you're speaking English, yeah.
Max -
Get off of me.
Max struggles with Barry
XANDER: (as Max) Unh, lemme go. Meanie!
and Barry cuts Max's arm with the hook and then walks away putting the hook back where he got it from. Max is laying on the floor wondering what just happened.
WILLOW: (as Max) What just happened?
He gets up and he is angry and grabs the hook yelling at Barry who is leaving.
Max -
Mother fucker. Don't you test me mother fucker, I'll call the cops on your college quaterback ass.
WILLOW: I'm sensing some anger from Max.
EXT. - Back on the street --- Barry is walking out where Julie and Helen have been waiting.
Julie -
So did he admit to the letter?
Barry keeps walking.
Barry -
He won't bother you anymore.
Helen -
What did you do?
Barry -
I took care of it okay?
Julie -
How?
Barry -
I scared the shit out of him alright?
Stepping up from out of a boat is Ray. The old group of friends are reunited.
Barry -
Well I'll be damned.
BUFFY: (as Barry, effiminate) ...and go to hell if it isn't a heavenly piece of manmeat. Hi, Ray! Yoo hoo, Ray! Over here! Mmm, he's so precious.
Ray (to Julie) -
Hi.
Barry -
So Ray grew up to be a fisherman huh?
XANDER: (as Ray) Yeah, I've been working for Gorton's for a while now. That whole thing with the Van De Kamps fell through and... well, here I am.
Ray -
Yeah, almost a year now, I work on that one over there on the end.
Barry does not look where Ray has just pointed.
SPIKE: (as Barry) I am not looking where you just pointed, so there!
Barry -
That's nice. Have a nice life guys, I'm out of here.
Barry leaves.
BUFFY: Helen poses.
XANDER: Ray blinks.
WILLOW: Julie frowns.
SPIKE: Max dies.
Ray (to Julie) -
You got a minute?
Helen doesn't want to be intrude.
WILLOW: (laughs hysterically)
SPIKE: (to the others) I think she finally broke.
BUFFY: Will? Um, you ok?
XANDER: Hey, Will, it's ok, just a silly typo... right?
WILLOW: (stops laughing, stares straight ahead)
SPIKE: Definitely broken.
Helen -
I gotta get back to work, call me, we can get togeather.
WILLOW: (giggles)
Julie -
Yeah okay.
Helen leaves Ray and Julie alone to talk.
Julie -
We need to talk.
BUFFY: (as Ray) Yeah, um, I think that's why the author left us alone.
INT. - Fish Plant --- Ray and Julie are walking in discussing the letter.
Ray -
You think Max sent it?
Julie -
Barry does. I don't know.
Ray -
Well, you know how Max feels about you guys, look he's probably just screwing around, he doesn't have much else to do you know?
XANDER: (as Ray) He's a sad, pathetic excuse for a human being, whereas I, on the other hand, am a... (proudly) fisherman!
Julie -
Yeah maybe.
EXT. - On the wharf --- Ray and Julie are talking while he is working.
Ray -
So, how's school?
BUFFY: (as Julie) Academic-y.
Julie -
So you're a fisherman?
SPIKE: (to the others) She gonna snap out of it soon?
BUFFY: I don't know. I've never seen her go into typo-shock, it's a new experience for me.
XANDER: (not worried) She's good. This happened in the fourth grade when she talked me into letting her read my book report... she'll come out of it in five minutes or so.
SPIKE: (raises an eyebrow at them) And humans think vampires are odd?
XANDER/BUFFY: Yes.
Ray -
Yeah prophecy fullfilled right? I've become my father.
WILLOW: (snickers)
Julie -
I thought you didn't know your dad?
Ray -
Ah he worked the boats, that's all I do know about him.
Pause.
XANDER: ...pause... pause... now go!
Ray -
Look I thought a lot about last summer, I know you hold me responsible for what happened.
Julie -
I don't hold you responsible, no I'm responsible for my own actions and I don't blame you. But I don't want to know you either.
BUFFY: (chastising) That was kind of harsh.
She runs away from a confused Ray leaving him there all alone.
SPIKE: All alone with the other fishermen.
XANDER: And dockhands.
BUFFY: And boat owners.
SPIKE: And-- (looks at Willow) I think she's coming out of it.
XANDER: (looks) Yep.
BUFFY: Welcome back, Will.
INT. - Fish Plant - Max is cooking lobsters. he burns his finger and goes to get gloves. He sees a shadow through the steam from the boiling water and looks closer to see what it is and sees someone in a black slicker coming towards him and then the hook goes through his throat and dragging him across the table.
WILLOW: (blinks a few times) ...what? 'And dragging him across the table...' what? Incomplete sentence! Arrest that man! (shakes her head as if to clear it) Where are we?
XANDER: (pats her knee soothingly) You're safe. Remember the script reading thing? Being stuck in a room with us?
WILLOW: (nods slowly) Right. I forgot. I got trapped in Typo Hell.
BUFFY: So we noticed. You ok?
SPIKE: (sighs in irritation)
WILLOW: I'm good. All better now. Let's read on.
EXT - SouthPort street --- Barry is pulling up to the South Port Muscle.
INT. - Southport Muscle. --- Barry is working out, punching and kickboxing.
INT. - Locker Room --- Barry is taking tape off his hands and sees a shadow.
BUFFY: (as Barry) Um, excuse me, no shadows allowed in here, didn't you see the sign?
Barry -
Hello??
INT. - Shower --- Barry is showering after his workout, he sees a shadow go past the door.
BUFFY: (as Barry, calling) That's right, you just keep on going out the door, Mr. High and Mighty Shadow Man, thinking you're better than the other shadows, breaking the rules and--
WILLOW: (to Buffy) ... Um?
BUFFY: (shrugs)
Barry -
Hello???
INT. - Locker Room --- Barry sees a ploaroid
WILLOW: (starts twitching)
XANDER: (as Crocodile Hunter) The hunter spots his prey... oh, crikey! It's the infamous ploaroid, native to North America, and England. He slowly approaches it, giving it ample space, staying to its blind side... suddenly, there's danger! The ploaroid sees our man, and jumps on him, taking him to the ground... (sees the others' stares) I'm alone on that one, huh?
OTHERS: Yeah.
picture sticking out of his locker, he looks at it, it's a picture of his car which is parked outside with "I Know" written on the picture. He looks in his locked and his jacket is missing.
SPIKE: Huh?
BUFFY: Don't try to understand it.
Barry -
My fucking jacket.
WILLOW: (as Barry) It's cheating on me with my sweater! The ho!
He quickly gets dressed and runs out into the lobby where an old man working is reading the newspaper.
Barry -
Who else is here? anybody else working out?
Worker -
Just you and me pal.
BUFFY: (as Worker) It may not look like I'm working out, but as I sit here and read, I'm also doing my Kiegle exercises.
WILLOW: (snorts with laughter)
XANDER: What are Kiegle--
SPIKE: You don't want to know.
XANDER: Yes, I do.
SPIKE: No, you don't
XANDER: I really, really do.
WILLOW: (leans over and whispers in Xander's ear)
XANDER: (shudders) I really, really didn't.
SPIKE: (laughs)
Barry runs outdoor to see his car is being backed out of the parking lot, he chases after it.
XANDER: (as Barry) Wait! Car, please, we can work this out! I never meant to hurt you. But you said you wanted to see other cars...
Barry -
Hey! Hey! Fucker.
SPIKE: You fuck her, you brought her!
WILLOW: Well, that's it, we're officially in NC-17 territory. Thanks.
SPIKE: Anytime, pet.
The car back into the end of the street with Barry chasing it, the car stops, Barry is looking directly at it.
BUFFY: (as Barry, crying) Please, car, I love you.
Barry -
Max, you're fucking dead.
XANDER: Hey, Barry's being an omnipotent character.
WILLOW: No, he's not, he's threatening Max, not stating a fact.
XANDER: Oh. Hey, Barry's being mean.
The headlights of the car come on and starts speeding towards Barry, he starts to run away but the car is right behind him. He is backed up against an old deserted building with nowhere to go, he is looking at the car trying to think of something to do, the car pauses and then rams into Barry who flips up onto the windsheild and the car pushes him through the building. The car stops and someone in a slicker gets out and is looking down at an injured Barry. Barry is screaming for help.
XANDER: (as Barry) Help, you better get your ass over here right now!
Barry -
Help me!!! help me!! somebody. What do you want????
The slicker-clad madman pulls out a big fishing hook.
Barry -
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I swear we didn't mean it , please don't.
WILLOW: (as Barry) We didn't mean to hit you and drive your body to the wharf, then throw you in when you turned out to be alive.
SPIKE: That comma up there is trying to get away... quick, catch it! (pauses) Oh, God, I'm turning into Willow.
WILLOW: (looks offended)
Screen fades to black.
INT. - Southport hospital - Julie is getting off the elevator and sees Ray.
INT. - Barrys hospital room - the four former friends are all in there talking about what just happened.
BUFFY: (looks up) Did something happen? What'd I miss?
XANDER: Um, a car ran over Barry, and a fisherman stood over him with a hook. Doesn't ring any bells?
BUFFY: (embarrassed) I was sort of filing my nails. (pulls an emory board out from under her thigh)
SPIKE: (snorts in disgust)
BUFFY: Hey, I had a chipped nail. Nothing worse than a nail that snags on everything... it's annoying. (glares at Spike) At least I don't paint mine black.
SPIKE: (shrugs, not caring)
WILLOW: (looking from one to the other) Me-ow!
Barry -
No for the fortieth fucking time I couldn't see his face.
SPIKE: (as Barry) He was behind me, and I was busy enjoying--
WILLOW: (slaps her hand over his mouth) Don't say it! I know where you're going, and I can't let you do it.
SPIKE: (pulls her hand away, amused) And you're going to do what to stop me?
WILLOW: (silent)
SPIKE: (snorts) That's what I thought. Ahem. He was--
WILLOW: (slaps her hand over his mouth again)
SPIKE: (sighs) Fine, I won't say it. Prudes.
WILLOW: Pervert.
XANDER: Kids, please.
Julie -
We have no choice here okay? Somebody tried to kill you last night, we have to go to the police.
Barry -
No he wasn't trying to kill me last night, if he wanted me dead he could've done it, he's just fucking with us.
SPIKE: (smirks) Some more than others.
WILLOW: (glares at Spike)
SPIKE: (rolls his eyes)
Helen -
Who is?
XANDER: (as Barry) Um, the guy who attacked me last night. Pay attention!
Barry -
I don't know, some guy in a slicker.
BUFFY: (as Helen) Oh, I thought you meant that guy who attacked you last night.
Ray -
Well that narrows it down, this being a quaint little fishing village and all.
Barry -
Since you bring it up, we all know you have a slicker.
BUFFY: (as Ray) That darling little red one? Isn't it adorable?
Ray -
You are not going to throw this on me.
XANDER: What's he throwing?
WILLOW: Blame.
XANDER: Ah.
Helen -
Come on you guys please don't do this.
Julie -
This isn't getting us anywhere.
BUFFY: (as Julie, frustrated) We're still in the same room, why aren't we magickally moving?
Ray -
Look, maybe we should just come clean.
WILLOW: (as Barry) No, I like being dirty. It's fun. And naughty... and stuff.
SPIKE: (to Willow) What would you know about being naughty?
WILLOW: (insulted) I've done things. Bad things... not-so-nice things.
SPIKE: (laughing) I'll just bet. Let's hear 'em then. What bad things did little miss innocent do?
BUFFY: You mean besides date a werewolf?
XANDER: Besides play vampire for the group of vampires an alternate universe-vampire Willow had amassed in just a few hours?
SPIKE: (rolling his eyes) Yes, I mean besides those.
WILLOW: Wouldn't you like to know?
SPIKE: (sarcastically) No, that's why I asked.
WILLOW: Moving on...
Barry -
No. No. We made a pact and we're keep it.
XANDER: 'We're keep it'? He speaks in english words, but he makes a sense that isn't.
Julie -
Yeah but this is insane now Barry look at us, this secret's killing us.
BUFFY: (as Julie) Ahh! It got me, I'm dying... the secret got me, man. Tell my mom...(gasps) tell her I was always prettier than her... (gasps, stops breathing)
WILLOW/XANDER: (applaud)
Barry -
I'm not going to the police and you're not either.
Julie -
Barry please, we could put an end to it and maybe salvage some small fraction of a life.
WILLOW: (as Helen) I want this small fraction.
BUFFY: (as Julie) No! That one's mine, and you can't have it.
XANDER: (as Ray) Tough patooties! It's mine now, muwahahaha.
WILLOW: (to Xander) 'Muwahahaha'? Who actually says that?
XANDER: Me.
Barry -
And how do we do that? Huh? There was no accident Julie it was murder, your words remember? Murder. I say we find the fuck who's doing this and have a little one on one.
SPIKE: (opens his mouth)
BUFFY: No.
SPIKE: What? I only wanted to say--
WILLOW: Don't.
SPIKE: (growls in frustration)
Ray -
What like last night Bare?
SPIKE: (as Barry) Hey, how'd you know me and fisherman had a fling last night? Did you watch us, you pervert?
OTHERS: (sigh)
BUFFY: Just had to get that in there, didn't you?
SPIKE: Pretty much, yeah.
Barry jumps to a sitting position in his bed.
Barry -
Fuck you man.
SPIKE: (as Ray) You played that last night, and you lost.
XANDER: (to Spike) Scream?
SPIKE: (nods)
WILLOW: The blood and guts?
SPIKE: (nods)
BUFFY: Ew.
Helen -
No Barry's right, whosever doing this isn't going to the police, we could this guy, talk to him.
WILLOW: (twitches) Ack!
Barry -
How do we find him?
Helen -
Well it's got to be a friend or a family member of the guy we hit. What was his name??
Julie -
David Egan.
ALL: Who?
Helen -
Right...David Egan.
ALL: Who?
EXT. - Hospital --- Julie, Ray and Helen are walking through the hall ready to leave and they are discussing what they should do.
XANDER: (as Ray) What should we do?
BUFFY: (as Julie, uninterested) I dunno.
WILLOW: (as Helen) Where are we?
Ray -
Look I don't think we should give up on Max, it could still be him.
XANDER: Could not. Max is dead.
WILLOW: They don't know that.
XANDER: Oh, right, Barry is Omnipotent Boy, not Ray.
Julie -
Then find him Ray, prove Barry wrong, that's what you want isn't it?
XANDER: (as Ray) Um, yes?
Ray -
No, no,
XANDER: (as Ray) Um, no?
what I want is for you and me to just...
WILLOW: (as Ray) ...get it on. Right here, right now.
Julie -
Listen to me Ray okay, I want you to get something,
WILLOW: (as Julie) ... me! Here I am, take me!
BUFFY: (to Willow) Uh, I think Spike's rubbing off on you.
SPIKE: Not yet, but I could if you really wanted me to.
XANDER: And you've been hallucinating for how long now?
there is no you and me.
Julie takes off down the stairs instead of waiting for the elevator. Ray and Helen look at each other and Helen follows Julie.
INT. - Julies house - Julie and Helen are looking up articles about David Egan on the internet.
BUFFY: (as Julie) Wow, check out all these nude pictures... David was a cutie.
Julie -
Okay I can access the local library online, I think we can cross-refrence and pull up all we need to know.
WILLOW: I don't feel like cross-refrencing. Let's cross-reference instead.
She finds what she is looking for and types in her querey.
WILLOW: (irritably) If I ever find the transcriber, I'm gonna give him--
XANDER: A piece of your mind?
WILLOW: No, a spell checker.
Julie -
Egan, David.
A bunch of articles pop up on the screen.
BUFFY: Ahh! Don't do that!
Helen -
All these articles are about David Egan?
SPIKE: (as Julie) Nah, I did a search on 'hot women with big breasts'.
BUFFY: (to Spike) You're a pig, Spike.
SPIKE: So you feel the need to constantly tell me.
Julie -
Yeah or at least mention him, it should pull up anything with his name.
Julie-
Wait, July 5th two years ago, what's this?
WILLOW: (as Helen) It's a date.
Julie start reading one outloud.
Julie -
Susie Willis died of drowning, she was trapped in a car after it skided out of control on the reefs near Dawsons beach, the driver David Egan was unharmed.
SPIKE: How does one skide?
WILLOW: Very carefully.
Helen -
I remember that wreck two summers ago.
BUFFY: (as Julie) Yes. This accident, two years ago, was two summers before, do you remember it, from two years ago?
WILLOW: (as Helen) The one from two summers ago?
BUFFY: (as Julie) No, the one from two years ago.
WILLOW: (as Helen) Oh... right. The one that happened two years ago. I think I remember that accident that happened two summers before.
Julie (still reading) -
Susie was engaged to David, they were gonna be married. Wait a second I remember he had her name tattooed on his arm, I saw it.
Julie pops up another article.
XANDER: (as Helen, gasps) It's magic!
Julie -
Survived by his mother Claire and sister Melissa Egan of Marible County.
Helen -
They live in the sticks, what do you think?
SPIKE: (as Julie) I try not to.
Julie -
Whadda we got to lose??
XANDER: (as Helen) You mean besides our lives?
EXT. - Marible County Road --- Julie and Helen are driving to the Egan house. Helen is reading a map.
BUFFY: (as Helen) Left at Bay... r-- ro-- um, what's this say?
WILLOW: (as Julie) Road.
Helen -
Turn right.
WILLOW: (as Julie) But you just said left!
Julie -
Where??
Helen -
Back there.
XANDER: (as Helen, giggles) I made a mistake, I'm so cute!
They back the car up to get to the road they are looking for and turn down it.
Helen -
What exactly is the plan? I mean are we just gonna ring the doorbell and say we killed your son and we were in the neighborhood so...
SPIKE: (as Julie) Yes. Why? You think we shouldn't?
Julie -
Look I thought we would scope it out then play it by ear.
XANDER: (confused) Scoop it out and play with her ear? What--
WILLOW: Don't create mistakes where there aren't any.
XANDER: (rubs his eyes and reads it again) Oh.
Helen -
Don't you think we should have some sort of a plan? Angela Landsbury always had a plan.
BUFFY: (as Julie, scornfully) Angela Lansbury was a character on a t.v. show... we're real.
WILLOW: (as Helen) Um, Angela Lansbury's her real name. You're a stupid-head.
The car stops at a mailbox that has "Egan" written is bold letters.
XANDER: Look at those bold letters, just displaying themselves boldly... the sluts.
EXT. - The Egans driveway --- Julie and Helen are walking towards the house.
SPIKE: And the house is backing away, but it does no good. They just keep coming.
Helen -
What if they're waiting for us? What if they recognize us? They could have a gun and shoot us dead.
BUFFY: As opposed to shooting them wounded.
SPIKE: (snorts with laughter)
Julie -
It's been a year Helen, they could have done that already.
Helen -
Yeah, Jodi Foster tried this and a skinner of a serial killer answered the door.
SPIKE: Excellent movie.
XANDER: Really? Even without the blood and guts?
SPIKE: (shrugs) I have layers.
They get to the house and knock on the door twice and no one answers.
Helen -
Well it was a good try.
WILLOW: (as Julie) Maybe we could try waiting longer than half a second before giving up.
Julie is not satisfied,
SPIKE: I've got a solution for that.
BUFFY: (sighs) I'll bet you do.
SPIKE: Can I help it if the words lend themselves to sexual interpretation?
BUFFY: Yes.
she walks around the side of the house and looks in a window.
BUFFY: Peeping Tom!
Helen -
Adding breaking and entering to our crime spree?
WILLOW: (as Julie, in an exceedingly perky voice) Unh-huh!
A womans image appears in a old mirror that is sitting next to the house.
XANDER: A old mirror?
WILLOW: The transcriber is so poor, he couldn't afford that extra 'N'.
XANDER: (nods wisely)
The woman is Missy Egan.
XANDER: Missy Egan is 'The Woman!' in this year's blockbuster, 'The Woman!'. Starring Missy Egan as, 'The Woman!'.
Missy -
Can I help you?
SPIKE: (as Helen) We're beyond help.
Julie -
Oh, hi, our car stalled down the road and we were just wondering if maybe we could use your phone?
WILLOW: (as Missy) No! Absolutely not! It's my phone. Mine!
INT. - The Egan house ---
Missy -
Phone's over there.
XANDER: Ceiling's up there.
BUFFY: Floor's down there.
WILLOW: Wall's over there.
SPIKE: No.
Julie -
Oh thanks. Jody, will you call triple A?
XANDER: (as Helen) Who are you talking to, Julie? My name is Helen, remember? We grew up together, friends all our lives... so who is-- oh. Um, (flatly) yes I will call Triple-A, thank you very much for asking.
Helen -
You got it, Angela.
WILLOW: (as Julie, to Missy) She thinks I've got 'IT'.
Helen turns to go to the telephone and her face walks into a black fishing slicker
ALL: (laugh)
BUFFY: (still giggling) Her face walked into something? Where was the rest of her when this happened?
and she screams. Julie just laughs to not look suspicious. Helen composses herself and goes to the phone.
WILLOW: (as Julie, laughs nervously) It's funny. Ha ha. She's so funny when she's scared to death.
Missy -
My name's Missy Egan. Are you girls from Mirable?
XANDER: (as Julie) Like, oh my God, no! We're not hicks! I mean, um, no.
Julie -
No, Southport.
Missy -
Oh I went to Southport High.
Julie -
Yeah I knew you looked fimiliar,
WILLOW: Suck up.
SPIKE: (sighs) Don't feed me lines unless you're prepared to accept the consequences.
WILLOW: I wasn't feeding you anything. So just keep your mouth-- well, ok, I see how that could be construed as... so! How's that door coming along?
BUFFY: (chuckles) Wow, the top, and half the other side is there, and, look!
XANDER: Cool.
A/N: End chapter two. I had this all as one big, long story, but was told it was too long, which it is, so I'm breaking it into chapters. Nothing new added, except this message, April, 4, 2002.
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