Title: The Long Kiss Goodbye (part 14 of NA)
Author: Nimue
Feedback: Yes, please
Disclaimer: All characters belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, etc.. Just Borrowing.
Summary: This is the day of Tara's funeral. How will they get through?
The Long Kiss Goodbye
It was a gray day. The rain pattered down softly in the late spring air, kissing the ground, bringing the world back to life. It was bittersweet. The sky was thick with clouds, but the ground was lush and fertile. It smelled nice. Like the days she used to sit on her porch and watch thunderstorms roll past. Back when she was a kid.
They did not have far to go to meet the patch of earth where Tara's body would lie peacefully, forever, if she were lucky. Buffy had not thought about Spike going, but she hadn't really thought about him not going either. When she walked out of the room in her black dress that swung loosely around her knees, he had been standing there in a perfectly fitted black silk suit, a crisp white shirt, a somber black tie. She had not even known he owned a suit. Maybe he bought it for this day. Looked as if it had been made for him.
He looks so handsome, she thought.
She looks beautiful, he thought.
Spike had held out his hand and she took it, letting his envelope hers. He grabbed an umbrella and led her out the door.
They had walked to the spot, fingers entwined, not saying a word, but feeling each other's thoughts.
Is it terrible to think that I am *glad* it wasn't me?, Buffy thought.
Is it horrible to be *glad* it wasn't her?, Spike thought.
Everyone was huddled around the coffin. The coffin was perched above the hole in the earth that would swallow it. Anya and Xander were curled around each other. Dawn clung to Giles in a new black dress. Buffy could feel her sisters pull toward her and the blond man in the black suit, but Dawn stood her ground. Willow was at the head of the box, no umbrella in sight. The rain trickled down her skin, dripping from her hair. Spike could not help but think of the blood. Tara's blood, drizzling in little rivers to the floor.
He shook, clutching Buffy's hand, closing the gap between them and the others. Buffy fitted in next to Dawn, wrapping her arm around her. Spike encircled Buffy with his. It was a human chain. Odd how grief was the one thing that linked them all time and time again.
Willow had gathered herself and began. She wanted to perform the ceremony herself. Insisted on being the one to help Tara cross the bridge. She had that right. Willow had loved Tara fiercely, even in the bad times. She deserved the chance to help her through this last time.
Buffy cried quietly, the tears falling like the rain. Dawn was sobbing against Giles' suit coat. She did not have Buffy's penchant for muting her feelings. Spike was still, moved by Willow's words. Sensing the sadness and the sweetness of the Red of old. It washed over him like a tide. He clutched Buffy tighter.
One thing Spike had never understood about death is that no matter how it happens, no matter how many times one sees it, there are never words to heal or even soften the pain. He still could feel Buffy's death, even with her next to him, more alive now than she had ever been. Nothing could take that knife from your heart. Nothing could heal the pain.
When Willow was through, she leaned forward to kiss the shiny box. All eyes fell in watery pools toward the ground. Except for Spike's. He had never had the chance to kiss Buffy goodbye. She was in the ground before he ever got to her. He remembered sitting there, next to the mound of dirt where she had been buried and running his hands through the soil. Watching his tears drip onto the new grass. He remembered it like it was bloody yesterday.
Willow was silent now, kneeling, the tears and the rain mingling on her cheeks. No one moved. No one spoke. They just stood, linked together in the rain. The world would always spin, and all but one would meet the end and be lowered into the ground one day. The knowledge never made it easier. Especially for the one who would not die. He would stand in the rain for each and every one of them. Even the one that was yet to be. It would never hurt any less.
*****
They found themselves seated again around the table at the Magic Box. All but Willow, who would not budge. Would not leave that spot until she felt that Tara had truly gone on. They had all left her there, even though they had thought it wrong, because it had been what she wanted. How does one say no to someone who has lost it all?
They sat in a circle in silence. The same questions lingering. The same answers missing. The tears had been replaced by and eerie numbness. The awkward sedgeway between grief and trying to move on. A bottle of whiskey was circling the table, silent swigs burning the throats of all but the Summers girls. Didn't matter. There was no forgetting this pain anyway. Buffy tried to think of better things; of her child, of Spike, of her future. Even if that was only a short time. Buffy had seen both sides of the coffin. She knew there was no easy way to do this.
It had been hours since they had saw Tara put in the ground. None of them had noticed that it was full night. That the rain had stopped and the mother moon was high in the sky. Time was something that had lost its meaning to them, as it was infinite and finite, all at once. Just like them.
Dawn broke the silence. "Hey, I remember when I was younger and got upset about stuff, Mom would play the glad game with me."
All eyes turned to the child. "I'll bite, Dawn. What's the glad game?" Xander asked, trying to smile at the girl.
"Instead of thinking of all the bad things, you think of all the things you are glad about."
"Not much in the mood for games, Nib," Spike muttered. Buffy nudged his foot under the table. "But if it'll make you feel better, have at it," he quickly amended, returning the nudge to Buffy.
"Enough footsie," Xander said to the pair. "I'm in Dawn."
"I'll play, I like games." Anya announced in her normal, lilting voice.
"Alright, Dawn," Giles forced himself to play.
Buffy nodded at her sister, preoccupied with Spike's hand on her knee.
"I'll start," the teenager said. "I'm glad... that I'm doing better in school. Oooh, and that Giles took me shopping." Dawn grinned. Giles blushed, wiping his glasses. Buffy gave him the mock evil eye. "And I'm glad that Buffy is here and that she stopped playing the stupid 'Oh, I HATE Spike, he's EEEEVVVVIIILLLL' game," Dawn chided in her most annoying voice. Buffy glowered. Spike barely contained a chuckle. "And I'm glad that I have a family again. Since mine all up and left," she finished.
"Lots of glad you got there," Buffy joked. Dawn tossed a cookie at her, which Buffy snatched from thin air and devoured. "Hungry baby," she uttered crumbs on the corners of her mouth.
"Giles?" Dawn said, as he was next to her at the table. "Well," Giles began, "I'm glad that I am here and that I can see you all again, although I wish it was under different circumstances..."
"Get on with it, Watcher," Spike teased.
"Right. Yes. I'm glad that you all have found your ways. However... different... they may be. And I'm glad that you are all here, and alive, and barring the events of the last few days, happy."
"Well done," Anya chimed, "I'm next. I'm glad for..."
"PG version, honey," Xander interrupted.
"Oh, right," Anya agreed, nodding at Dawn. Dawn smirked at Xander. "I'm glad for Xander. He's my best friend. And I'm glad you don't hate me anymore because I don't say things the way you would. And I'm glad for sex..."
"PG," Xander reminded her.
"Right. And I'm glad that there are no bunnies in this room," Anya finished, causing a reluctant giggle from both Dawn and Buffy.
"Guess it's my turn," Xander began. "Let's see," he tapped his heavy fingers on the wood, "I'm glad for Anya. Who'd a thunk anyone would put up with me this long?"
"Not I," Spike muttered under his breath, prompting another kick from Buffy.
Xander shot over the compulsory look of contempt. "And I'm glad Buffy's happy despite the fact she is with the Big Bad Vampire- Man-Child," he tossed back. Spike's turn to smirk. "I'm glad that we are all still here, still together, and still fighting the good fight." Xander finished, gesturing to Buffy.
Buffy wriggled in her seat. Spike smiled at her obvious discomfort with laying it all out there. Kind of fun to watch her squirm every once in a while, he thought. "I'm not very good at this bright-side stuff. Occupational hazard, you know?" she uttered, grabbing another cookie.
"Well, you certainly seem glad enough for Chips Ahoy," Spike joked. This time her shoe caught him in the shin.
"Ouch, Buffy," Spike complained, reaching under the table to rub his angry skin.
"Oh, I'm sorry," she feigned concern, " did I bruise you?"
"Get on with it, Slayer," he grumped in response.
"Alright, alright," Buffy whined, "I'm glad that we are all alive. Even though Tara is gone now, I'm glad because she is someplace better." Xander stared at the table, remembering when he found out Buffy had been torn from someplace better. "And I'm glad Giles is here." Giles smiled triumphantly. "I'm glad that Dawn is doing well in school and stopped being a klepto," she chided. Another flying cookie made it from Dawn's hand to Buffy's mouth. "And I'm glad for hungry babies," she joked with her mouth full, " because I can eat lots of cookies."
"That it?" Dawn asked, prying. Buffy was silent a moment. Spike opened his mouth to continue the game but shut it again when he heard Buffy begin to talk. "And I'm glad that I don't have to do this alone. I'm glad for Spike," she finished.
His neck almost cracked, he turned his head so fast, his crystal eyes melting her. If he promised to look at her like that forever, she would say it over and over.
Dawn's turn to smile triumphantly. "I *knew* you would say it, " Dawn squealed.
"Don't let it go to either of your heads," Buffy replied, taking a long drink of water. "Thirsty baby."
"Spike?" Dawn said, crossing her arms. This she *had* to hear.
"Well, Nibs, I'm glad for..."
Pounding at the door interrupted his thought.
"Customers?" Anya exclaimed, bolting up from her chair. Xander caught her wrist and pulled her back down. The pounding continued, frenzied and furious. Slayer and Vampire headed toward the door as the remaining few scooted out of sight. Spike grabbed the knob, Buffy at his shoulder, and flicked the door open with a jingle. Buffy stood at the ready, in fighting stance.
Clem fell through the door with a resounding thud.
"You?" Spike hissed disappointedly. "No kitten poker here, mate."
"Spike," he stuttered out, gasping for breath. Spike grabbed the back of his collar and pulled Clem to his feet. " We found Warren."
"Where is he?" Spike asked, beginning to collect weapons from the trunk to his left.
"At the school playground," Clem huffed. Buffy looked confused. "But he's not alone."
Xander appeared from behind the bookshelf. Clem nodded politely at him.
"What's he got? The Cast of Next Generation with him?" Spike asked, loading ammunition into his duster's deep pockets.
"The witch is there," Clem answered, leaning down, his hands touching his knees. Spike, Xander and Buffy ceased movement as one.
"The witch?" Xander asked.
"The red one," Clem sputtered, "Only she's not red. She's black all over. Her hair, her eyes. Hopped up on the dark one, from the looks of things. Got him cornered by the swings."
The idea was so ludicrous, Xander chuckled despite himself. "Willow has black hair and has Warren cornered in a playground?"
"Something is *wrong* with her," Clem answered, "Speaking in tongues and the like. Think she's going to kill him."
"We've got to move," Spike said, picking up a shotgun. "You coming, git?"
"Uh, yeah," Xander stuttered, grabbing a sword. Buffy began to rummage through the box, choosing a crossbow.
"Slayer, stay here," Spike barked. "This is not a demon and it will not take the Slayer to kill it. We've got it."
"Spike," she began, fury rising in her cheeks.
"No, Buffy."
"Xander?"
"Buffy, stay here," Xander snapped.
Giles appeared from behind the counter. "I might be of some assistance, if it is indeed magic," he offered himself to the cause.
"Grab your poison, mate," Spike said grabbing the door. Buffy was furious, confused, helpless.
"Stay here and do *not* let them leave," Spike ordered Clem, grabbing the front of his shirt collar this time and tossing him against a wall.
"Here, right, no leaving." Clem repeated, nodding his head.
"Ready?" Spike asked his two comrades in arms. He hated leaving Buffy, especially angry. But it was the only way. He could not bear to say goodbye again. "I love you, Pet," he whispered, leaning in to kiss her goodbye. She turned her face away angrily. He grabbed the back of her neck, pulling her face back to his. Quietly, he whispered, "I'm glad for you."
And he let her go.
They were gone.
To be contd.
Author: Nimue
Feedback: Yes, please
Disclaimer: All characters belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, etc.. Just Borrowing.
Summary: This is the day of Tara's funeral. How will they get through?
The Long Kiss Goodbye
It was a gray day. The rain pattered down softly in the late spring air, kissing the ground, bringing the world back to life. It was bittersweet. The sky was thick with clouds, but the ground was lush and fertile. It smelled nice. Like the days she used to sit on her porch and watch thunderstorms roll past. Back when she was a kid.
They did not have far to go to meet the patch of earth where Tara's body would lie peacefully, forever, if she were lucky. Buffy had not thought about Spike going, but she hadn't really thought about him not going either. When she walked out of the room in her black dress that swung loosely around her knees, he had been standing there in a perfectly fitted black silk suit, a crisp white shirt, a somber black tie. She had not even known he owned a suit. Maybe he bought it for this day. Looked as if it had been made for him.
He looks so handsome, she thought.
She looks beautiful, he thought.
Spike had held out his hand and she took it, letting his envelope hers. He grabbed an umbrella and led her out the door.
They had walked to the spot, fingers entwined, not saying a word, but feeling each other's thoughts.
Is it terrible to think that I am *glad* it wasn't me?, Buffy thought.
Is it horrible to be *glad* it wasn't her?, Spike thought.
Everyone was huddled around the coffin. The coffin was perched above the hole in the earth that would swallow it. Anya and Xander were curled around each other. Dawn clung to Giles in a new black dress. Buffy could feel her sisters pull toward her and the blond man in the black suit, but Dawn stood her ground. Willow was at the head of the box, no umbrella in sight. The rain trickled down her skin, dripping from her hair. Spike could not help but think of the blood. Tara's blood, drizzling in little rivers to the floor.
He shook, clutching Buffy's hand, closing the gap between them and the others. Buffy fitted in next to Dawn, wrapping her arm around her. Spike encircled Buffy with his. It was a human chain. Odd how grief was the one thing that linked them all time and time again.
Willow had gathered herself and began. She wanted to perform the ceremony herself. Insisted on being the one to help Tara cross the bridge. She had that right. Willow had loved Tara fiercely, even in the bad times. She deserved the chance to help her through this last time.
Buffy cried quietly, the tears falling like the rain. Dawn was sobbing against Giles' suit coat. She did not have Buffy's penchant for muting her feelings. Spike was still, moved by Willow's words. Sensing the sadness and the sweetness of the Red of old. It washed over him like a tide. He clutched Buffy tighter.
One thing Spike had never understood about death is that no matter how it happens, no matter how many times one sees it, there are never words to heal or even soften the pain. He still could feel Buffy's death, even with her next to him, more alive now than she had ever been. Nothing could take that knife from your heart. Nothing could heal the pain.
When Willow was through, she leaned forward to kiss the shiny box. All eyes fell in watery pools toward the ground. Except for Spike's. He had never had the chance to kiss Buffy goodbye. She was in the ground before he ever got to her. He remembered sitting there, next to the mound of dirt where she had been buried and running his hands through the soil. Watching his tears drip onto the new grass. He remembered it like it was bloody yesterday.
Willow was silent now, kneeling, the tears and the rain mingling on her cheeks. No one moved. No one spoke. They just stood, linked together in the rain. The world would always spin, and all but one would meet the end and be lowered into the ground one day. The knowledge never made it easier. Especially for the one who would not die. He would stand in the rain for each and every one of them. Even the one that was yet to be. It would never hurt any less.
*****
They found themselves seated again around the table at the Magic Box. All but Willow, who would not budge. Would not leave that spot until she felt that Tara had truly gone on. They had all left her there, even though they had thought it wrong, because it had been what she wanted. How does one say no to someone who has lost it all?
They sat in a circle in silence. The same questions lingering. The same answers missing. The tears had been replaced by and eerie numbness. The awkward sedgeway between grief and trying to move on. A bottle of whiskey was circling the table, silent swigs burning the throats of all but the Summers girls. Didn't matter. There was no forgetting this pain anyway. Buffy tried to think of better things; of her child, of Spike, of her future. Even if that was only a short time. Buffy had seen both sides of the coffin. She knew there was no easy way to do this.
It had been hours since they had saw Tara put in the ground. None of them had noticed that it was full night. That the rain had stopped and the mother moon was high in the sky. Time was something that had lost its meaning to them, as it was infinite and finite, all at once. Just like them.
Dawn broke the silence. "Hey, I remember when I was younger and got upset about stuff, Mom would play the glad game with me."
All eyes turned to the child. "I'll bite, Dawn. What's the glad game?" Xander asked, trying to smile at the girl.
"Instead of thinking of all the bad things, you think of all the things you are glad about."
"Not much in the mood for games, Nib," Spike muttered. Buffy nudged his foot under the table. "But if it'll make you feel better, have at it," he quickly amended, returning the nudge to Buffy.
"Enough footsie," Xander said to the pair. "I'm in Dawn."
"I'll play, I like games." Anya announced in her normal, lilting voice.
"Alright, Dawn," Giles forced himself to play.
Buffy nodded at her sister, preoccupied with Spike's hand on her knee.
"I'll start," the teenager said. "I'm glad... that I'm doing better in school. Oooh, and that Giles took me shopping." Dawn grinned. Giles blushed, wiping his glasses. Buffy gave him the mock evil eye. "And I'm glad that Buffy is here and that she stopped playing the stupid 'Oh, I HATE Spike, he's EEEEVVVVIIILLLL' game," Dawn chided in her most annoying voice. Buffy glowered. Spike barely contained a chuckle. "And I'm glad that I have a family again. Since mine all up and left," she finished.
"Lots of glad you got there," Buffy joked. Dawn tossed a cookie at her, which Buffy snatched from thin air and devoured. "Hungry baby," she uttered crumbs on the corners of her mouth.
"Giles?" Dawn said, as he was next to her at the table. "Well," Giles began, "I'm glad that I am here and that I can see you all again, although I wish it was under different circumstances..."
"Get on with it, Watcher," Spike teased.
"Right. Yes. I'm glad that you all have found your ways. However... different... they may be. And I'm glad that you are all here, and alive, and barring the events of the last few days, happy."
"Well done," Anya chimed, "I'm next. I'm glad for..."
"PG version, honey," Xander interrupted.
"Oh, right," Anya agreed, nodding at Dawn. Dawn smirked at Xander. "I'm glad for Xander. He's my best friend. And I'm glad you don't hate me anymore because I don't say things the way you would. And I'm glad for sex..."
"PG," Xander reminded her.
"Right. And I'm glad that there are no bunnies in this room," Anya finished, causing a reluctant giggle from both Dawn and Buffy.
"Guess it's my turn," Xander began. "Let's see," he tapped his heavy fingers on the wood, "I'm glad for Anya. Who'd a thunk anyone would put up with me this long?"
"Not I," Spike muttered under his breath, prompting another kick from Buffy.
Xander shot over the compulsory look of contempt. "And I'm glad Buffy's happy despite the fact she is with the Big Bad Vampire- Man-Child," he tossed back. Spike's turn to smirk. "I'm glad that we are all still here, still together, and still fighting the good fight." Xander finished, gesturing to Buffy.
Buffy wriggled in her seat. Spike smiled at her obvious discomfort with laying it all out there. Kind of fun to watch her squirm every once in a while, he thought. "I'm not very good at this bright-side stuff. Occupational hazard, you know?" she uttered, grabbing another cookie.
"Well, you certainly seem glad enough for Chips Ahoy," Spike joked. This time her shoe caught him in the shin.
"Ouch, Buffy," Spike complained, reaching under the table to rub his angry skin.
"Oh, I'm sorry," she feigned concern, " did I bruise you?"
"Get on with it, Slayer," he grumped in response.
"Alright, alright," Buffy whined, "I'm glad that we are all alive. Even though Tara is gone now, I'm glad because she is someplace better." Xander stared at the table, remembering when he found out Buffy had been torn from someplace better. "And I'm glad Giles is here." Giles smiled triumphantly. "I'm glad that Dawn is doing well in school and stopped being a klepto," she chided. Another flying cookie made it from Dawn's hand to Buffy's mouth. "And I'm glad for hungry babies," she joked with her mouth full, " because I can eat lots of cookies."
"That it?" Dawn asked, prying. Buffy was silent a moment. Spike opened his mouth to continue the game but shut it again when he heard Buffy begin to talk. "And I'm glad that I don't have to do this alone. I'm glad for Spike," she finished.
His neck almost cracked, he turned his head so fast, his crystal eyes melting her. If he promised to look at her like that forever, she would say it over and over.
Dawn's turn to smile triumphantly. "I *knew* you would say it, " Dawn squealed.
"Don't let it go to either of your heads," Buffy replied, taking a long drink of water. "Thirsty baby."
"Spike?" Dawn said, crossing her arms. This she *had* to hear.
"Well, Nibs, I'm glad for..."
Pounding at the door interrupted his thought.
"Customers?" Anya exclaimed, bolting up from her chair. Xander caught her wrist and pulled her back down. The pounding continued, frenzied and furious. Slayer and Vampire headed toward the door as the remaining few scooted out of sight. Spike grabbed the knob, Buffy at his shoulder, and flicked the door open with a jingle. Buffy stood at the ready, in fighting stance.
Clem fell through the door with a resounding thud.
"You?" Spike hissed disappointedly. "No kitten poker here, mate."
"Spike," he stuttered out, gasping for breath. Spike grabbed the back of his collar and pulled Clem to his feet. " We found Warren."
"Where is he?" Spike asked, beginning to collect weapons from the trunk to his left.
"At the school playground," Clem huffed. Buffy looked confused. "But he's not alone."
Xander appeared from behind the bookshelf. Clem nodded politely at him.
"What's he got? The Cast of Next Generation with him?" Spike asked, loading ammunition into his duster's deep pockets.
"The witch is there," Clem answered, leaning down, his hands touching his knees. Spike, Xander and Buffy ceased movement as one.
"The witch?" Xander asked.
"The red one," Clem sputtered, "Only she's not red. She's black all over. Her hair, her eyes. Hopped up on the dark one, from the looks of things. Got him cornered by the swings."
The idea was so ludicrous, Xander chuckled despite himself. "Willow has black hair and has Warren cornered in a playground?"
"Something is *wrong* with her," Clem answered, "Speaking in tongues and the like. Think she's going to kill him."
"We've got to move," Spike said, picking up a shotgun. "You coming, git?"
"Uh, yeah," Xander stuttered, grabbing a sword. Buffy began to rummage through the box, choosing a crossbow.
"Slayer, stay here," Spike barked. "This is not a demon and it will not take the Slayer to kill it. We've got it."
"Spike," she began, fury rising in her cheeks.
"No, Buffy."
"Xander?"
"Buffy, stay here," Xander snapped.
Giles appeared from behind the counter. "I might be of some assistance, if it is indeed magic," he offered himself to the cause.
"Grab your poison, mate," Spike said grabbing the door. Buffy was furious, confused, helpless.
"Stay here and do *not* let them leave," Spike ordered Clem, grabbing the front of his shirt collar this time and tossing him against a wall.
"Here, right, no leaving." Clem repeated, nodding his head.
"Ready?" Spike asked his two comrades in arms. He hated leaving Buffy, especially angry. But it was the only way. He could not bear to say goodbye again. "I love you, Pet," he whispered, leaning in to kiss her goodbye. She turned her face away angrily. He grabbed the back of her neck, pulling her face back to his. Quietly, he whispered, "I'm glad for you."
And he let her go.
They were gone.
To be contd.