Note: Only Rutan is my character! The rest are all J.R.R. Tolkien's creation! This is a humor fic, and the sequel to 'Desire and Denial', so expect the unexpected! Elvish speech is in ''. I've borrowed funny parts from movies and certain anime; those do not belong to me. Any funny ideas are welcome and appreciated!
Secrets And Surprises
Prologue:
Haldir of 'Lorien hung from the ceiling in an abandoned barn, and his feet barely touched the ground. His wrists were bound above his head, as the mischievous Elf looked at his captors.
"Where did the Hobbits go?" an Orc snarled.
Haldir remained silent, and the torture began again.
A feather tickled the bottom of his bare feet. The Elf squirmed and tried not to laugh.
"Stop!" Haldir cried, unable to stop laughing.
"Then tell us where they went!" a Uruk-Hai snapped.
Haldir choked out, amidst bursts of laughter, "I c-can't tell you."
The Orcs grinned. They'd been hoping that the Elf would not cooperate.
Haldir got a sinking feeling at their grins. It grew worse when a jar of honey was brought over.
"Tell us or we'll put this in your hair," a second Uruk-Hai said threateningly.
Haldir sighed, and deliberately spoke in a very low voice, to make certain that they would not hear what he said. "All right, you win. The Hobbits…"
"Speak up," an Orc sneered.
"The Hobbits…" Haldir repeated, again making his voice very soft.
The Uruk-Hai and the Orcs drew very close to the Elf. "What?" they asked.
"The Hobbits…" Haldir let out an ear-piercing scream, followed by a high-pitched Elven whistle.
The Orcs and Uruk-Hai screeched in pain, as Haldir laughed at them.
"I knew you were going to fall for that," he boasted.
The leader of the Uruk-Hai snarled, "Bring it in…"
Haldir gasped when the most horrible thing in the world entered the barn.
"Kiss the Elf!" the Orcs chanted several times.
Haldir swung desperately to get away from the thing.
It did no good.
The thing kissed the Elf, who shrieked in disgust and anger.
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Back With The Fellowship
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'Mommy, can I braid your hair?' Rutan asked. 'I promise to be good.'
Legolas made a face. 'I am male, addled one. I cannot be your mother.' He hid behind Aragorn when Rutan persisted.
Aragorn looked at Rutan and shook his head. 'Legolas, I always thought he was weird, but now he's gone and proved it.'
Rutan was prancing around in a dress, with his hair tied into pigtails.
The Hobbits were trying to hide from Rutan as well, for he wanted to play a game with them. But they knew better than to play a game with the strange Elf.
Rutan grabbed a hold of Legolas. 'Mommy, don't you love me anymore?' he whined.
Aragorn seriously considered using Anduril on the dark-haired Elf.
Merry and Pippin complained that they were hungry, so Aragorn instead threw apples at them.
Merry ate his apple quickly, but Pippin cried out in disgust.
"Strider, there's a worm in this apple," he complained.
"Eat it anyway," Aragorn muttered.
"Ew…" Pippin threw the apple, and it bonked Boromir on the head.
To be continued