Note: Only Rutan is mine! The rest are borrowed from LOTR or other such places. They are not mine! Some of these scenes may be familiar; this, too, were borrowed and do not belong to me. Elvish speech is in ''.

Torture And More

Part 1

Haldir felt…sick. If he'd been free, he would have wiped his mouth off, cleaned his teeth, and then killed every one of the laughing Orcs.

The fish-man known as Noonsa (from Slayers, not mine) cooed at the Elf. He batted his fisheyes, trying to look attractive. But it only made him look worse.

One of the Orcs walked over to Haldir. "See? You should have just told us where the Hobbits where. It would have saved you some trouble."

Haldir promptly retched, unable to hold it in any longer. It went all over the Orc, who screamed for soap and disinfectant, along with boiling water. It then ran off to clean itself.

The other Orcs snarled at the heaving Elf, except for a few who hung near the back of the group. They approached him, brandishing a pair of scissors.

"Isn't that a little extreme for torture?" one muttered. The Orc shuddered as it looked at Noonsa. "And where did he come from?"

Another shrugged. "Who knows? Saruman probably created him or something. Though he is kinda creepy…"

A third chimed in. "I've heard that Noonsa's killed people with his kisses before. His fishy breath and all…"

The three thought about that for a few moments. "Ew…" they said simultaneously.

Haldir was still retching, so the Orcs finally sent Noonsa away, at least for a little while.

Beads of sweat were on the blond Elf's face, as he tried to keep his composure. He froze when he saw the scissors, and swallowed hard, fighting back the urge to retch again.

"Tell us or we'll cut your hair!" the leader of the Orcs snarled.

Haldir shook his head firmly.

"What will we cut his hair like?" an Orc questioned.

One grinned. "I vote for short and spiky."

Haldir shuddered. This was getting a little extreme, in his opinion.

Hmm… what to save? The Hobbits… his hair… His hair… the Hobbits. Both were important, and the Elf could not choose.

"What about a Mohawk?" a Uruk-Hai shouted. A roar of approval met those words, mostly from the other Uruk-Hai.

"I vote we color his hair," another cried.

"Purple!"

"Black!"

"Pink!" an Orc shouted.

Everyone turned and stared at it.

The Orc asked, "What?"

Haldir didn't even want to ask. He pulled on his bonds, afraid of the gleam in his captors' eyes as they approached him, scissors in hand.

"Stay away from me!" the blond Elf shouted. He swung on the ropes he dangled from, and lashed out with his bound feet.

Most of them flew back into a wall.

Haldir snapped, "Fix your hair before you touch mine. Mine is much, much better." He was looking straight at the leader of the Uruk-Hai. "See? My hair is long and smooth, with no knots or tangles. And yours… I've seen better."

The Uruk-Hai leader bellowed in his own language, asking the other Uruk-Hai if what the Elf said was true. Most nodded, so he put down the scissors and ordered them to fix his hair, until it was better than the Elf's blond hair.

They eagerly went to work, and brought out their own shampoo.

"No," Haldir muttered. "You have to use good shampoo." He gestured, as best as he could, to the bag around his neck. He'd completely forgotten that it was there.

One Uruk-Hai approached and took a hold of the bag. He removed a bottle of Elven shampoo from it, and sniffed it. Finding it to be a pleasant smell, he brought it over to where a small basin of water had been brought in.

The Uruk-Hai leader had his hair resting in the basin. It was long and dark, with many knots and tangles.

The other Uruk-Hai began shampooing his leader's hair.

Haldir hung, unnoticed for a while. And the Elf was glad of it. It was worth losing his shampoo to save both his hair and the Hobbits.

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The Fellowship

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Legolas were kissing sweetly, until a figure swung by on a vine.

Legolas groaned as he saw who it was.

Rutan was now wearing a loincloth, and his hair hung wild and free behind him. That is, it did until he promptly crashed into a tree.

"Did we have to bring him?" Legolas muttered, using basic Western for the first time since his memories were stolen. "He's nothing but a nuisance, Aragorn."

Aragorn cried, "Legolas, you're speaking Western instead of Elvish!"

"I am?" Legolas gasped. "It… it just… returned."

Aragorn embraced the Elf, who was relieved. His memories were returning finally, though there had been little hope of it.

'Do you know what this means, Legolas?' Aragorn questioned.

Legolas frowned thoughtfully. 'We can use Western instead of Elvish when we moan in pleasure at night?'

Aragorn chuckled at those words. 'If you insist…'

Rutan awoke, meanwhile, and pounced on the blond Elf.

'Get off me, strange one!' Legolas cried. He shoved at the dark-haired Elf, who leaned over him.

A strange look entered the Elf's eyes, as he remembered fighting with Rutan before… But something had been wrong. His movements had been off and unsteady. Then Aragorn was there, holding him, until Legolas had succumbed to the… whatever it was.

Aragorn yanked Rutan off of Legolas and scowled at him. 'He's mine, Rutan. Get someone else.'

Rutan pouted. 'He's my mommy.'

Legolas had had it. He took a deep breath, hissing slightly. 'Rutan?'

Rutan looked at the Elf he believed to be his mother. Yes?

Legolas breathed in another deep, hissing breath. 'I am not your mother.'

Rutan shouted, 'NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!' He sobbed. 'That's impossible! It can't be true!'

'But it is true,' Aragorn said firmly. 'Now get a hold of yourself.'

Rutan was drooling now, and a glazed look came into his eyes. He walked around in a circle, before cracking his head on a tree branch. Legolas was assisted to his feet by Aragorn, who placed his hand on his lover's shoulders.

'That is one strange Elf,' Aragorn muttered.

Legolas said, 'I know.' He looked at Aragorn carefully, turning his head. 'I fought with him before, did I not? He… did something to me, and then you were there.'

Aragorn smiled, knowing that this was proof that Legolas was recovering his memories, albeit slowly. 'Yes, dear one. He erased them with one of his potions. You weren't supposed to regain them.'

'But I am… slowly,' Legolas said.

Rutan began trying to chase himself, as the lovers shared a secret smile, gazing into each other's eyes with happiness.

In the meantime, Boromir glared at Pippin. "Fool of a Took!" He drew his sword and began chasing the Hobbit around.

"I didn't mean to hit you," Pippin cried, as he ran from the enraged human, who chased him relentlessly. Pippin finally ran over and jumped onto Legolas's back. "Save me!" he pleaded.

Boromir ran by, searching for the Hobbit. He tripped over Rutan, who was running around on his hands and feet. The Man lay sprawled in a muddy puddle. Mud was all over his hair and face.

Legolas' eyes were dancing with amusement, as he clamped a hand over his mouth. Aragorn was doing the same, as the two tried to keep from giggling. Pippin slipped to the ground, and started laughing. Everyone else, save for Rutan, Aragorn, and Legolas, was pointing and laughing at Boromir.

To be continued