Near Heaven
Author: Megan
Disclaimer: Don't own the characters. Or other things 'Once and Again'.
Feedback: Yes, please: shy_grrl@hotmail.com
Summary: Katie/Jessie. After the kiss. (Not THE kiss, as in the show kiss. But a different kiss, as in my previous story kiss.)
Author's Notes: A sequel to 'Perfect in an Imperfect World', you should read that one first. Picks up where it ended. Still haven't seen beyond mid season 2. And probably never will :-(. This story continues to rely on the TWoP recaps. Timeline is... after the play, before the christmas, eps. Oh, and it's in Katie's pov.
Warning: Slash, of the female kind. That is to say, a shippy between two girls. If you do not approve, you do not read.
***
I stare at her in silence. She keeps the smile up all the while. And I don't know what to make of it, "You don't hate me?", I whisper hopefully after a time.
She shakes her head and stands up. Still smiling. That beautiful smile. Jessie's an angel. There is no other word that describes her better. She's an angel, with a blonde hair. And a good heart, which radiates this warming glow around her. And I'm drawn to that warmth. How could I not be? How could anyone not be drawn to her?
"I don't hate you", Jessie says, shaking her head again, "Katie."
My name has never sounded more beautiful, than when she pronounces it. It sounds like... like not even my name. When she calls it, she doesn't call for me. Or she does, but not for the me I was. She calls for a girl that didn't exist before I met her. For a girl, only she knows. In mere months, she's completely changed me, just by being there. Sometimes I don't even recognize this girl I am now. Some of my thoughts and feelings are alien to me.
Like this compelling need to protect Jessie. I have never felt this way about anything. I'm scared to death of hurting her, breaking her into tiny pieces. Cause she looks so fragile. Like a glass sculpture.
A glass sculpture... of an angel... with a glowing heart... oh, God! I'm pathetic!
I squint my eyes and shake off the mushy feelings. And giggle at my own weirdness.
"What?", Jessie asks confused. Her smile becomes strained. She thinks I'm laughing at her. And that hurts her. And that hurts me.
I take a step closer to her. She flinches back a step. God, how insecure she is. How totally adorable, "Then what do you feel?", I quickly ask, changing the subject. Or not changing. Just scrolling back a line or two.
She sits back down on the bed, but keeps her stare fixed on me. A little sadly I note the smile is completely gone now. I succeeded in driving it away, "Don't know", she mumbles, and bows her head.
I resist the urge to rush to her side, and bury her in my arms. It wouldn't do. I've already taken too many liberties. I didn't have the right to kiss her. I didn't have the right to pour all these emotions on her.
"What do you feel?", she quietly asks me back.
"I... I...", I don't know either. Love? Love, 'Love', I form the word with my mouth. But I don't say it out loud. For some reason it refuses to leave my lips. And Jessie can't see my mouth moving, cause she's busy studying her own hands.
"Not so easy, is it?", she says, lifting her gaze, "Giving name to your most private feelings?"
Just say the damn word!, "I have the hugest crush on you Jessie", what? Way to chicken out, Katie. I'm sure it's for the best, though. Easy does it.
"A crush?", Jessie repeats incredulously, raising her eyebrows
"A crush", I say and nod. Crush is good. It's sweet, and innocent, Jessie'll appreciate that, "Your turn", she still only looks at me. For the longest time, making me anxious, "Just say what's on your mind. Nothing more to it."
"I'm not", she starts talking with a surprisingly confident voice, "NOT interested."
What? I frown and shake my head furiously, "What does that mean?"
"It means I don't hate you", she says.
Okay. So we've established she doesn't hate me. But I think she kinda liked it too, cause otherwise she'd be way more freaked. And she's so not freaked. She's reacting so much better than I feared, "Does it mean you want to do it again?"
Jessie bows her head for a second, and then glances at me under her brow, "Kiss you?", she asks, pushing a few stray hairs behind her right ear. She smiles shyly and nods, "Yeah, maybe."
I sigh out of relief. Didn't even realize I was holding my breath. I can't keep away the grin that creeps on my mouth, "How about right now?", I ask deviously.
Jessie's smile grows, and she starts to giggle. Her laughter always gets me. It's so rare when she laughs out of happiness. When she laughs because she wants to laugh, not because people expect her to. I can always spot the fake ones. And that's why the real ones are so much more precious, "I love it when you laugh."
"Yeah", she blushes, "You told me already."
Oh. Right. I did. So what? I can tell you it as many times as I want to, "Yeah, and I'll tell you again. I love it when you laugh Jessie", I say grinning wickedly. She turns even brighter red and bows her head again, "Or blush. I love that too."
"Shut up", she mumbles.
"Kei", I reply.
Silence falls into the room. Jessie crosses her fingers. With her head held down like that it looks like she's praying. I walk up to the bed, and sit down next to her. She glances at me briefly, and then returns to the prayer. I'm not a big fan of God and the whole concept of afterlife, but just looking at Jessie makes me hope there is a heaven. For her. Cause she so deserves eternal happiness and all that stuff.
I place my hand on Jessie's shoulder, and start fondling her hair. She doesn't react to my touch, doesn't shy away, nor lean into it. I like it that she's comfortable with my touch, but it's a little disappointing that she doesn't crave for more. Cause I have to fight to keep my hands from grabbing her and pushing her down on the bed. Fight to keep them from running all over her body.
"You know what?", Jessie finally talks, after the silence has lasted over five minutes.
"What?"
She turns her head and there's a nervous smile on her face, "I think I might have a crush on you too."
And then her stepmom knocks on the door, and calls her for dinner.
***
The thing that's most special about Jessie, is that you can be totally quiet with her, and it isn't awkward. I've never felt that way around anyone else. I've never felt so safe with anyone else. It's like, she... only needs to be there and everything is better. Things that were boring before, seem so much more interesting.
Like silence. I can stand around and stare at her without saying a single word, and I could spend hours doing it. She's such a mesmerizing person. The way she has this compulsive need to please people, to be perfect, to be liked. And then another part of her loves solitude so much. Loves to be alone, hidden away from the world. Two very conflicting qualities. What you get when you put them together in a person, and place her in the midst of all these changes, is a thing of beauty. A girl so precious, she breaks my heart. I cannot understand why others don't see it. Don't see her.
The door opens and Sarah walks in. Her eyes are blank, and her face is cold. Freezing, "So what's up?", she bitterly says, and lets the bathroom door swing shut. We're alone. She knows it's over, even though I haven't told her so yet, "Why'd you wanna see me?"
I take a deep breath and brace myself. Sarah has a tendency to get nasty, when stuff doesn't go her way, "I think it's better if we..."
She cuts me off, "Don't say it!", she yells, "God! Do you think I'm retarded or something? I know what's going on."
"You do?", I ask in a quiet tone. Of course she's angry. She has every right to be angry.
"Yes!", she walks up to the mirror, and turns on a faucet, "I do have eyes Katie."
She bends down and splashes some water on her face. I watch her through the mirror. And it hurts to see her hurt. I did like her once. A lot, and in a special way. But I never loved her. Not in the way I love Jessie.
"I'm sorry", I continue apologizing.
She pulls out a couple of paper towels, and presses them lightly on her face, "Yeah, well", Sarah says, "That's life", she turns around and glares at me, "So things progressing with little miss Perfect? Is that why you're being all official about this?"
"Don't call her that", I answer, "Jessie's done nothing wrong."
"Neither have I."
No she hasn't. Suddenly I feel awful about the way I treated Sarah. I knew from the start it would never last. I knew I could never love her, and still I let her think so. Ler her fall for me, "No you haven't. It's all me."
She looks at me quietly for a few seconds. The glare isn't as vehement anymore, "Then how come I'm the one getting hurt?", she asks in a pitiful voice.
I shrug, "I am sorry Sarah. Like you said, that's life."
She sighs and throws the towels away, "You know, it'll be just the same with her. You'll use her, and you'll dump her", she says and walks to the door. There she turns around and looks at me once more, "And you'll hurt her", she finishes and pushes her way back to the corridor.
"You're wrong", I whisper to the empty room when the door has swung shut again, "She's different", she is. I won't hurt Jessie. I'd die before hurt her. She's like no one else in the world. And I love her.
***
"Hey Jessie-girl!", I shout to her and jump down the last stairs. School's out, and I'm feeling giddy.
Grinning widely I reach my arm to touch her, but she takes a step back to avoid it, "Don't", she says looking around the hall, at all the people. Fearing their looks, and their presence, "Not here."
"Why not?", I throw back. What does it matter what they think? What does it matter what anyone thinks?, "I was just gona hold your hand", and maybe pull you into a kiss. Cause I don't care what they think. I so don't care.
But Jessie cares. She looks like a deer caught in headlights, ready to run away. Escape to the safety of her attic-room. And if Jessie cares, I care. I won't push her into anything. I'll do everything her way. And in time, she'll be comfortable with anything. I hope.
"We can't hold hands", she shakes her head while gaping at me, "No one can ever find out. Ever."
Oh, come on!, "We can hold hands Jessie", I laugh incredulously, "Don't be ridiculous."
Jessie doesn't see it the same way, though. She stares at me with her big eyes and shakes her head again, "No. We can't."
"We've held hands before", I answer, getting a little annoyed. There's discreet, and there's TOO discreet.
"Don't talk so loud", she hisses and once again looks around the hall, at the students rushing on their way. None of them are looking at us. None of them are interested in us. But to Jessie's eyes they are all listening to our every word.
"Jessie...", I drag her name out, "They don't care. No one is listening to us", I try reasoning.
"You can't know that", she goes on.
"Well, what do you want us to do? Never touch each other again?", I say trying to make it sound as stupid to her, as it sounds to me.
"No...", she whispers, "Just not here. I DON'T want anyone to find out Katie!", the last words are a desperate plea. It's really important to her. It's everything to her. If I made her choose, she would not choose me.
"Okay...", I sigh and try to smile encouragingly, "Okay, Jessie. Whatever you want. But we could hold hands..."
"No we can't!", she raises her own voice now.
And of course she does it at the worst possible moment. Sarah is just walking down the stairs, behind me and hears the words. And Grace is walking up to Jessie from behind her, and doesn't hear them. But she hears Sarah's words, as the girl walks by, grinning evilly, and makes sure the stepsis catches the finely hidden undertones, "Trouble in paradise?", Sarah says, "Already? Go figure", she continues and brushes past Grace.
The stepsis stops a few steps short and gawks at me. My eyes flip between her and Jessie, who looks mortified. And she hasn't even seen Grace yet. Things aren't looking good, "She knew already", I whisper quickly, "And she won't tell."
"You sure?", Jessie stutters.
I nod at her, and smile again. God, how can she be so vulnerable! How desperately I want to protect her from everything. From every single bad thing, "Grace is here."
"Where?!", she shouts and swings around. I can just picture the horror on her face. I can only picture it, cause I'm staring at her back.
"Uh... hi", Grace mutters, slightly embarrassed to be there, "You about ready to go Jessie?"
I'm sure Jessie's about ready to die. But she's not ready to answer. I take a quick step next to her, and smile at Grace, "Hey, think you can give me a lift too?"
"No!", Jessie yells again. She's on hyper-drive. Her every move is rushed, and every word shouted. She's just making things worse, "I mean, no. She's taking me to therapy."
Grace looks at me and then at Jessie. She shakes her head once, "Oh, yeah. Sorry", she smiles apologetically.
"Oh, hey, no problem", I try to sound indifferent. I would've loved to have gone with them. Just to be around Jessie is heaven. But if it's not to be, it's not to be, "Well, I see you later", I say, searching for Jessie's eyes, and not finding them, cause they are cast down.
"Bye", she mumbles, and looks just like a little child moping when she doesn't get her way.
I exchange looks with Grace, and start walking away.
It's so frustrating, dealing with Jessie. So hard, cause everything has to be done so carefully. And just right. But in the end, I guess it's worth it. Of course it is. I mean, it's Jessie, for crying out loud!
I'd go through Hell.
To be with her.
Is heaven.
tbc
Author: Megan
Disclaimer: Don't own the characters. Or other things 'Once and Again'.
Feedback: Yes, please: shy_grrl@hotmail.com
Summary: Katie/Jessie. After the kiss. (Not THE kiss, as in the show kiss. But a different kiss, as in my previous story kiss.)
Author's Notes: A sequel to 'Perfect in an Imperfect World', you should read that one first. Picks up where it ended. Still haven't seen beyond mid season 2. And probably never will :-(. This story continues to rely on the TWoP recaps. Timeline is... after the play, before the christmas, eps. Oh, and it's in Katie's pov.
Warning: Slash, of the female kind. That is to say, a shippy between two girls. If you do not approve, you do not read.
***
I stare at her in silence. She keeps the smile up all the while. And I don't know what to make of it, "You don't hate me?", I whisper hopefully after a time.
She shakes her head and stands up. Still smiling. That beautiful smile. Jessie's an angel. There is no other word that describes her better. She's an angel, with a blonde hair. And a good heart, which radiates this warming glow around her. And I'm drawn to that warmth. How could I not be? How could anyone not be drawn to her?
"I don't hate you", Jessie says, shaking her head again, "Katie."
My name has never sounded more beautiful, than when she pronounces it. It sounds like... like not even my name. When she calls it, she doesn't call for me. Or she does, but not for the me I was. She calls for a girl that didn't exist before I met her. For a girl, only she knows. In mere months, she's completely changed me, just by being there. Sometimes I don't even recognize this girl I am now. Some of my thoughts and feelings are alien to me.
Like this compelling need to protect Jessie. I have never felt this way about anything. I'm scared to death of hurting her, breaking her into tiny pieces. Cause she looks so fragile. Like a glass sculpture.
A glass sculpture... of an angel... with a glowing heart... oh, God! I'm pathetic!
I squint my eyes and shake off the mushy feelings. And giggle at my own weirdness.
"What?", Jessie asks confused. Her smile becomes strained. She thinks I'm laughing at her. And that hurts her. And that hurts me.
I take a step closer to her. She flinches back a step. God, how insecure she is. How totally adorable, "Then what do you feel?", I quickly ask, changing the subject. Or not changing. Just scrolling back a line or two.
She sits back down on the bed, but keeps her stare fixed on me. A little sadly I note the smile is completely gone now. I succeeded in driving it away, "Don't know", she mumbles, and bows her head.
I resist the urge to rush to her side, and bury her in my arms. It wouldn't do. I've already taken too many liberties. I didn't have the right to kiss her. I didn't have the right to pour all these emotions on her.
"What do you feel?", she quietly asks me back.
"I... I...", I don't know either. Love? Love, 'Love', I form the word with my mouth. But I don't say it out loud. For some reason it refuses to leave my lips. And Jessie can't see my mouth moving, cause she's busy studying her own hands.
"Not so easy, is it?", she says, lifting her gaze, "Giving name to your most private feelings?"
Just say the damn word!, "I have the hugest crush on you Jessie", what? Way to chicken out, Katie. I'm sure it's for the best, though. Easy does it.
"A crush?", Jessie repeats incredulously, raising her eyebrows
"A crush", I say and nod. Crush is good. It's sweet, and innocent, Jessie'll appreciate that, "Your turn", she still only looks at me. For the longest time, making me anxious, "Just say what's on your mind. Nothing more to it."
"I'm not", she starts talking with a surprisingly confident voice, "NOT interested."
What? I frown and shake my head furiously, "What does that mean?"
"It means I don't hate you", she says.
Okay. So we've established she doesn't hate me. But I think she kinda liked it too, cause otherwise she'd be way more freaked. And she's so not freaked. She's reacting so much better than I feared, "Does it mean you want to do it again?"
Jessie bows her head for a second, and then glances at me under her brow, "Kiss you?", she asks, pushing a few stray hairs behind her right ear. She smiles shyly and nods, "Yeah, maybe."
I sigh out of relief. Didn't even realize I was holding my breath. I can't keep away the grin that creeps on my mouth, "How about right now?", I ask deviously.
Jessie's smile grows, and she starts to giggle. Her laughter always gets me. It's so rare when she laughs out of happiness. When she laughs because she wants to laugh, not because people expect her to. I can always spot the fake ones. And that's why the real ones are so much more precious, "I love it when you laugh."
"Yeah", she blushes, "You told me already."
Oh. Right. I did. So what? I can tell you it as many times as I want to, "Yeah, and I'll tell you again. I love it when you laugh Jessie", I say grinning wickedly. She turns even brighter red and bows her head again, "Or blush. I love that too."
"Shut up", she mumbles.
"Kei", I reply.
Silence falls into the room. Jessie crosses her fingers. With her head held down like that it looks like she's praying. I walk up to the bed, and sit down next to her. She glances at me briefly, and then returns to the prayer. I'm not a big fan of God and the whole concept of afterlife, but just looking at Jessie makes me hope there is a heaven. For her. Cause she so deserves eternal happiness and all that stuff.
I place my hand on Jessie's shoulder, and start fondling her hair. She doesn't react to my touch, doesn't shy away, nor lean into it. I like it that she's comfortable with my touch, but it's a little disappointing that she doesn't crave for more. Cause I have to fight to keep my hands from grabbing her and pushing her down on the bed. Fight to keep them from running all over her body.
"You know what?", Jessie finally talks, after the silence has lasted over five minutes.
"What?"
She turns her head and there's a nervous smile on her face, "I think I might have a crush on you too."
And then her stepmom knocks on the door, and calls her for dinner.
***
The thing that's most special about Jessie, is that you can be totally quiet with her, and it isn't awkward. I've never felt that way around anyone else. I've never felt so safe with anyone else. It's like, she... only needs to be there and everything is better. Things that were boring before, seem so much more interesting.
Like silence. I can stand around and stare at her without saying a single word, and I could spend hours doing it. She's such a mesmerizing person. The way she has this compulsive need to please people, to be perfect, to be liked. And then another part of her loves solitude so much. Loves to be alone, hidden away from the world. Two very conflicting qualities. What you get when you put them together in a person, and place her in the midst of all these changes, is a thing of beauty. A girl so precious, she breaks my heart. I cannot understand why others don't see it. Don't see her.
The door opens and Sarah walks in. Her eyes are blank, and her face is cold. Freezing, "So what's up?", she bitterly says, and lets the bathroom door swing shut. We're alone. She knows it's over, even though I haven't told her so yet, "Why'd you wanna see me?"
I take a deep breath and brace myself. Sarah has a tendency to get nasty, when stuff doesn't go her way, "I think it's better if we..."
She cuts me off, "Don't say it!", she yells, "God! Do you think I'm retarded or something? I know what's going on."
"You do?", I ask in a quiet tone. Of course she's angry. She has every right to be angry.
"Yes!", she walks up to the mirror, and turns on a faucet, "I do have eyes Katie."
She bends down and splashes some water on her face. I watch her through the mirror. And it hurts to see her hurt. I did like her once. A lot, and in a special way. But I never loved her. Not in the way I love Jessie.
"I'm sorry", I continue apologizing.
She pulls out a couple of paper towels, and presses them lightly on her face, "Yeah, well", Sarah says, "That's life", she turns around and glares at me, "So things progressing with little miss Perfect? Is that why you're being all official about this?"
"Don't call her that", I answer, "Jessie's done nothing wrong."
"Neither have I."
No she hasn't. Suddenly I feel awful about the way I treated Sarah. I knew from the start it would never last. I knew I could never love her, and still I let her think so. Ler her fall for me, "No you haven't. It's all me."
She looks at me quietly for a few seconds. The glare isn't as vehement anymore, "Then how come I'm the one getting hurt?", she asks in a pitiful voice.
I shrug, "I am sorry Sarah. Like you said, that's life."
She sighs and throws the towels away, "You know, it'll be just the same with her. You'll use her, and you'll dump her", she says and walks to the door. There she turns around and looks at me once more, "And you'll hurt her", she finishes and pushes her way back to the corridor.
"You're wrong", I whisper to the empty room when the door has swung shut again, "She's different", she is. I won't hurt Jessie. I'd die before hurt her. She's like no one else in the world. And I love her.
***
"Hey Jessie-girl!", I shout to her and jump down the last stairs. School's out, and I'm feeling giddy.
Grinning widely I reach my arm to touch her, but she takes a step back to avoid it, "Don't", she says looking around the hall, at all the people. Fearing their looks, and their presence, "Not here."
"Why not?", I throw back. What does it matter what they think? What does it matter what anyone thinks?, "I was just gona hold your hand", and maybe pull you into a kiss. Cause I don't care what they think. I so don't care.
But Jessie cares. She looks like a deer caught in headlights, ready to run away. Escape to the safety of her attic-room. And if Jessie cares, I care. I won't push her into anything. I'll do everything her way. And in time, she'll be comfortable with anything. I hope.
"We can't hold hands", she shakes her head while gaping at me, "No one can ever find out. Ever."
Oh, come on!, "We can hold hands Jessie", I laugh incredulously, "Don't be ridiculous."
Jessie doesn't see it the same way, though. She stares at me with her big eyes and shakes her head again, "No. We can't."
"We've held hands before", I answer, getting a little annoyed. There's discreet, and there's TOO discreet.
"Don't talk so loud", she hisses and once again looks around the hall, at the students rushing on their way. None of them are looking at us. None of them are interested in us. But to Jessie's eyes they are all listening to our every word.
"Jessie...", I drag her name out, "They don't care. No one is listening to us", I try reasoning.
"You can't know that", she goes on.
"Well, what do you want us to do? Never touch each other again?", I say trying to make it sound as stupid to her, as it sounds to me.
"No...", she whispers, "Just not here. I DON'T want anyone to find out Katie!", the last words are a desperate plea. It's really important to her. It's everything to her. If I made her choose, she would not choose me.
"Okay...", I sigh and try to smile encouragingly, "Okay, Jessie. Whatever you want. But we could hold hands..."
"No we can't!", she raises her own voice now.
And of course she does it at the worst possible moment. Sarah is just walking down the stairs, behind me and hears the words. And Grace is walking up to Jessie from behind her, and doesn't hear them. But she hears Sarah's words, as the girl walks by, grinning evilly, and makes sure the stepsis catches the finely hidden undertones, "Trouble in paradise?", Sarah says, "Already? Go figure", she continues and brushes past Grace.
The stepsis stops a few steps short and gawks at me. My eyes flip between her and Jessie, who looks mortified. And she hasn't even seen Grace yet. Things aren't looking good, "She knew already", I whisper quickly, "And she won't tell."
"You sure?", Jessie stutters.
I nod at her, and smile again. God, how can she be so vulnerable! How desperately I want to protect her from everything. From every single bad thing, "Grace is here."
"Where?!", she shouts and swings around. I can just picture the horror on her face. I can only picture it, cause I'm staring at her back.
"Uh... hi", Grace mutters, slightly embarrassed to be there, "You about ready to go Jessie?"
I'm sure Jessie's about ready to die. But she's not ready to answer. I take a quick step next to her, and smile at Grace, "Hey, think you can give me a lift too?"
"No!", Jessie yells again. She's on hyper-drive. Her every move is rushed, and every word shouted. She's just making things worse, "I mean, no. She's taking me to therapy."
Grace looks at me and then at Jessie. She shakes her head once, "Oh, yeah. Sorry", she smiles apologetically.
"Oh, hey, no problem", I try to sound indifferent. I would've loved to have gone with them. Just to be around Jessie is heaven. But if it's not to be, it's not to be, "Well, I see you later", I say, searching for Jessie's eyes, and not finding them, cause they are cast down.
"Bye", she mumbles, and looks just like a little child moping when she doesn't get her way.
I exchange looks with Grace, and start walking away.
It's so frustrating, dealing with Jessie. So hard, cause everything has to be done so carefully. And just right. But in the end, I guess it's worth it. Of course it is. I mean, it's Jessie, for crying out loud!
I'd go through Hell.
To be with her.
Is heaven.
tbc