Near Heaven, Part Two (Reposted for clarity)
Author: Megan
Disclaimer: Don't own the characters. Or other things 'Once and Again'.
Feedback: Yes, please: shy_grrl@hotmail.com
Summary: Katie/Jessie. A little later after the kiss... (Still not the show kiss.)
Author's Notes: A continuation to 'Perfect in an Imperfect World', you should read that first. Still haven't seen beyond mid season 2. And probably never will :-(. This story continues to rely on the TWoP recaps. Timeline is... between the school play, and Christmas. Jessie's pov.
Warning: Slash.
***
The sun, it's so bright. And annoying, the way it blinds you, when you stare at it. Or even when you don't, and the light just reflects from somewhere and hits you directly in the eye. Even in the middle of the winter, when it's supposed to be way far... or was it way close, but in a weird angle... I forget... but it still blinds me. Even more so, because of the newly fallen snow. Stupid thing. That sun.
Grace hasn't said a word. Grace doesn't talk too much. To me. And that's one of the few good qualities she has. She doesn't chatter endlessly, like her mother for instance. Grace only talks when she has something to say. And I kinda respect that.
Even though she could say something now. Should say. Like what she... saw... and heard... and figured out. She had to see something abnormal in the scene. Like my lame overreaction to EVERYTHING! God!, I'm such a freak. So why doesn't she say anything?!
I steal a quick glance at her. She's totally concentrated on the driving thing. Or lost in her own messy head. It's hard to tell from Grace, "Please don't tell anyone", I whisper in a whiny voice, when I can't take this not knowing anymore.
She glances back at me, with a confused face, "Tell anyone what?", she asks, shaking her head, and turning her attention back to the road.
I can't tell if she's just playing dumb, or if she... in fact, is dumb. I look at her for a second longer, and then turn my eyes out the side window again. But the sun is still out there, and I have to squint my eyes, almost close them altogether, to be able to do that.
It's almost like with Katie. Sometimes I look at her, and everything just goes blurry. And then I have to look away, even when I don't want to. I wonder, if it'll always be that way? Or, if it's just the first... crush thing. It has to be. It has to be all in my head, cause other people can look at her just fine.
"What you saw in the hallway", I say, deciding to take it a little further. She has to have figured it out. Grace is quite clever in many ways.
"Oh", she stutters, "You mean, about you lying to Katie where you were going?"
My head flings around and I scowl at her. She's doing her best to hide a smirk, but I see it. Lingering there, on her ugly mouth!, "No", I hiss, "About the whole thing."
This time she doesn't even try to hide the smile. When she glances at me, I get the urge to throttle her, "Oh! So you mean the you dating a girl thing?"
I glare at her and shake my head once, "See... this is why you don't have any friends, Grace. You're such a bitch."
"What?!", she yells. Maybe it wasn't a good idea to make her mad. With this knowledge in her possession, "I so have friends."
Yeah? Like who? Mr. Dimitri?, "And I'm so not DATING Katie", I mumble defensively.
"Of course you aren't", she bites back, "Cause that wouldn't fit your perfect Barbie-world. And I have friends."
"Whatever", I respond.
Why the Hell did dad have to get us mixed up with this family of sickos? Couldn't he have found some eighteen-year-old teen slut to get married to? I would've so much more preferred that to... this.
"Just, please, don't tell anyone", I whisper again, after a minute of silent driving.
"Yeah, all right. I get it already. You don't want anyone to know", Grace's still pissed off. Whatever, she started it, "And I have friends."
***
I knock on the garage door, and wait for an answer that never comes. Either he is passed out, again, or he isn't there. You never know with Eli. He might even be there, sulking, and just not bothering to answer. You never know.
So I knock again. And this time the door flies open, startling me, "What?", Eli asks with a groggy voice. His hair is all messed up, and he's wearing a dirty T-shirt.
"What?", I frown and brush past him, inside the garage, "That's how you greet me now?"
"Jessie...", he sounds annoyed. I'm sure I interrupted a real important sleep-session, "What do you want? I'm really tired", he says, and to prove his point, yawns.
I sit down on a chair, indicating that I won't be leaving, "When aren't you?", he's my brother, for God's sake. And he treats me like a stranger. Like I'm this huge inconvenience to him. Which I guess I was a time back, but not anymore. I don't force my company on him anymore. That often at least, "We're supposed to be heading for mom's in an hour."
Eli shakes his head and shrugs, "Yeah, and?", he acts like it isn't news to him. But he can't fool me, cause I know him.
"And I thought, I'd come wake you up."
"Mission accomplished", he gripes, and finally moves away from the doorway. I follow him with my eyes, as he walks to the bed and flops down on it again. I can't believe what a lazy bum he has become.
"Eli", I say after a while. He doesn't react to my voice in any way, "Have you noticed anything weird with mom?"
"Sure", he answers and sits up again, "Mom is weird by definition."
I return his joke with a mock grin, and press my eyes to the floor. Things are so easy to Eli. He doesn't worry about stuff, not the way I do. He doesn't over analyze everything in his head. He just deals with things as they come about.
"Why are you here Jessie?", Eli asks.
I glance at him. This time he seems to actually be paying attention to me. He might actually be listening to my response, "I don't wanna be... in there. With those people", I shrug.
"Fight with Grace again?", he sighs and starts rubbing his forehead.
Just watching him tires me up as well. I can't believe this is the same guy who was, like a huge basketball star last year, "No", I mutter and he chuckles, "We're just so different. It's so unreasonable to expect that we get along", I go on, while Eli yawns again, "She was totally evil to me on the way home."
"Aww. Was she now?", he starts teasing me with a grin, "You want me to go tell her to lay off my little sis?"
I laugh. I love my brother. Cause when he's being my brother, he's the best brother in the world. He makes me laugh, and he protects me. He makes me feel happy. But I see him less and less these days. Most times he's acting all youth rebel-y. Without a clue. Like the world's out to get him. Lost in the self-pity journey.
"Would you?", I kid. And he smiles. Doesn't grin or smirk, smiles. The way he sometimes does. It's his way of letting me know, that I am special to him. He makes the distinction between me and a stranger.
"Sure", he says quietly and stands up, "You go ahead. I'll be a few minutes. And then we can hop over to mom's."
"Okay", I also stand up. And then stop to look at him for a few more seconds. For some reason, without thinking twice about it, I open my mouth again, "Eli", I say, and he looks at me confused, "You would love me, no matter what, right?", he only frowns and looks even more confused, "You know, even if I was like a... a psychotic murderer or something?"
I don't know what he makes of my weird question, and I don't dare to explain it any further. In fear of making it too obvious, "I can't see how you could be any less lovable than you already are", he finally answers with a grin.
I exit the garage with a goofy smile on my face.
***
We pull into mom's driveway. Mom's? It's our home too. But at some point it has become more mom's than ours. And the other house is the Manning house, and that place feels even less like home. Me stuck up in the attic, and Eli crammed into the garage. Not that I'm complaining. The attic is pretty much the best place in the house, cause it's so secluded. Apart from the others.
"Your friend is here", Eli says, turning off the car.
"What?", I glance at him, "My friend?"
He nods out the front window and exits the car, "Yeah, that girl. What's her name?"
And then I see Katie for the first time. How could I not see her before? Sitting on the steps. I must've looked right through her. And usually I can spot her from even the biggest crowds.
I open my door, and step out, feeling nervous again. I always feel nervous when Katie's there, and we're not alone. Even more so now, than before. Afraid they'll see how I feel towards her.
She stands up and smiles, "Hi", she stutters to Eli, who only waves his hand. And then she turns to me. She is as nervous as I am, "Hey Jessie."
"Hey", I reply quietly and wait as she walks up to me. I want to hide, climb back into the car and lock the doors. But instead of doing that, I accept her hug, "What are you doing here?", I whisper into her ear.
Eli looks at us for a moment, then turns and heads inside, "Waiting for you", Katie states, pulling away from me.
It's that simple for her. She has feelings for me, she wants to show them, and to Hell with everyone else. It should be that simple for me too. But it isn't, "Why?", I ask and disentangle myself from her. She fights back weakly, not wanting to let go, "And why out here, and not inside?"
"I had to see you", she says and looks disappointed by my reaction. And why wouldn't she be? Why am I treating her so cold? Why can't I show her how I feel?, "And it felt too weird going inside. You know, cause I've actually only met your mother once. And she probably wouldn't even remember me, cause it was after the play and...", words are pouring out of Katie's mouth. I lose track of them. I lose sight of her, when the world starts to blur and I have to turn my eyes to the driveway. She finally pauses to breathe. But even then it's only for a second, "And I just had to see you", she finishes.
"Okay", I say and lift my gaze. She's squirming around, expecting an answer. Expecting me to put her mind at ease, "So... why?"
For a second I think she's going to start crying. But at the last moment she pulls herself together, and manages to hold back the tears. It still hurts me as much, though. How can I treat her so badly?, "Why are you being like this Jessie?", she asks in a teary voice, "Cause you said you liked the kiss", she's completely at a loss. Led astray by my behavior.
"I did!", I suddenly yell. And then realize where we're standing. It's not the place to have this conversation.
And as if to verify my thoughts, mom appears in the doorway, "Jessie?", she asks in confusion, "Aren't you coming in?"
"Umm...", I start mumbling, trying to think of a correct solution to the problem, "Yeah. Of course", I smile at her, and then at Katie, who's still standing there, waiting for my verdict, "You wanna come in, Katie?", I ask her, "Cause I did like it", I add more quietly with a nod.
And it's like she comes to life again. The nervous smile changes into a happy one, and the squirming stops. She follows me up the path, to the door, where mom is still weirding herself out.
"Hello...", she utters to Katie
"Oh", I stop for a second and do the introductions, "Mom, Katie. Katie, mom", they shake hands, and Katie smiles at my mom, who looks more than a little lost. The way she has looked for some time now, "You met her at... the play?", I start telling her, and then turn to Katie for confirmation.
"Yeah", the girl answers, "But it was only for like..."
"Oh yes! I remember", mom suddenly blurts out, and looks quite proud of her achievement, "You're the girl who made Jessie's costume."
"Umm...", Katie is unsure what to answer at first, "Well, no. I'm actually a friend of the girl who made Jessie's costume."
"Oh", mom replies, disappointed.
"And she didn't so much MAKE the costume, as she did... you know... acquire it", Katie's eyes flip between me and my mom, as she's trying to make sense.
"Right", mom says, and nods, "Well, come on inside."
I lead the way, hoping we can make an escape to my room straight away, "We're gona go up, mom", I say, throwing my coat on the hanger.
Mom doesn't answer at first, so we head for the stairs, "Okay. Are you staying for dinner Katie?", she finally talks, when we're halfway up.
I stop and turn to look at her. There is a sad smile on mom's face. I hate it when she gets this way. I hate it, because I don't what to do. And then I always end up avoiding her as much as possible, so I can pretend everything's fine. Denial is such a pretty thing.
I glance at Katie, who's looking to me for an answer. I nod slightly and she smiles, "Sure Mrs. Sammler", Katie says, "Thank you."
I don't know if I should be talking to her about it. Or not talking. If I should be with her, or leave her alone. I don't know if she wants me worrying about her. Cause that could only make her feel worse. But she has no one else. I don't think anyone else would even notice the change.
I close the door behind Katie, when we reach my room. She takes a few tentative steps inside, and looks around, "Your mom's nice", she says and turns around, towards me, "And so's the room", she adds with a smile.
I lean my back against the door frame and look down, "Thanks", I mumble, in lack of a better response.
"So what's the deal?", she blurts out, when I refuse to look at her, "Cause I get this feeling you're totally screwing with my head, just for the heck of it", there's a biting tone to her voice. My head jerks up, and I'm ready to deny the outrageous claims, but Katie's not finished, "And I know you're way too nice to do that."
I swallow hard, and try to gather my thoughts, "I'm not screwing with you", I start timidly, "This is just SO hard, you know?", she keeps her stern look fixed on me. Doesn't give any sort of affirmation, "I do like you Katie. In THAT way..."
"So what the Hell is the problem?", she cuts me off.
I don't know what the Hell the problem is! It's me probably, I'm usually the problem, "If anyone finds out..."
"So what if they do?", Katie jumps in again. She's really angry, "You've gotta stop obsessing with what everyone else thinks, Jessie. It's not healthy."
"It's easy for you to say", I whisper quietly. I don't like how she's being all control freaky. I may not be as self-confident as she is, but my thoughts still count, "I'm not as strong as you Katie."
Silence takes over the room. I look away from her. Outside, it has started to snow again. Occasionally a white flake hits my window, gets stuck to it, and then melts away. After a minute Katie talks again, "I'm not as strong as you think", her voice isn't angry anymore. It's quiet, insecure. Like mine, "When you treat me like this, it hurts."
"Treat you like how?", I try to defend myself. Okay, so I haven't been that open to her, but it's not like I'm ignoring her or anything.
"When you lie to me", she says and her voice breaks. When I turn to look at her, I find her eyes glistening with tears, "And try to hide me, like I'm something disgusting."
I gape at her, fighting back my own tears. I had no idea I was being that horrible to her, "I haven't lied to you...", I try again.
She looks even sadder. And really disappointed, "I know you didn't have therapy today."
Oh yeah. I did lie to her. And about something SO stupid! I look away in shame, "How...", I start to ask.
"Cause you told me so yourself yesterday!", Katie's shout draws my eyes immediately back to her.
Now the tears are openly sliding down her face. She stares at me bravely for a moment, and then turns away, "I'm sorry", I mumble. She walks to my chair and sits down. And wipes away the tears with her hand. And breaks my heart. I feel so small right now. Small and helpless. Useless.
"And it shouldn't even bother me. Cause I know you didn't mean anything bad by it", she fights the words through desperate sobs, "But it does bother me."
Oh Katie! I rush to close the distance between us, and kneel in front of her, "I won't lie to you again", I whisper, placing a hand on her lap, "I promise", somehow the lying part seems the worst. I shouldn't lie to her. Not about anything, "But we can't let people find out. I can't handle that. I can't", I say and start shaking my head.
Katie looks down at me with her big soggy eyes. She brings her hand closer and starts caressing my cheek, "God, you're so beautiful", she says, and smiles through the tears, "I can't believe how beautiful you are."
I lean into the cold touch of her hand. Katie's hands are so cold. I wonder why that is. But it's just perfect now, that I'm blushing from her words. When she tells me I'm beautiful, I believe her. When others tell me, I don't. She has this way of convincing me of everything.
Slowly she slides down the the floor from the chair, never breaking the contact for a second, "Katie...", I say her name, "We can't let people find out", I lift my hand too, and move it onto her face. Softly I start to dry out the tears, that are still left there. I can't believe how beautiful SHE is. SO much more beautiful than me.
"I won't tell, if you won't", she says quietly, "But you gotta stop with the overcompensation. We can touch each other in public."
Her words barely register in my mind, but I still nod. All I can see is her face. Her eyes, her nose, her lips... And before I know it, my head has jumped forward, and I'm kissing her. For the second time. Only this time, it's more intense. Passionate. This time I can't get enough of her. I bring my arms around her back and crush her with my hug. Crush her lips with mine. Her right hand has lowered its way on to my neck. I can't believe how cold her hand is. Compared to her face. It's freezing cold.
I push myself forward, and Katie almost loses her balance. At the last moment, she manages to steady herself with her other arm, and thus prevents us from falling down. The sudden motion breaks up the kiss. I quickly try to start it again, but she avoids me, turning her head away.
"Jessie", she says, short of breath. I look at her in confusion, "Slow down."
"I don't wanna", I grin at her.
She stares at me wide eyed for a moment, and then starts to laugh, "Okay. I get it", she says, "This 'picture of innocence' is just a cover to lure in unsuspecting girls like me. And then when you get us alone, you turn into this sex-beast?"
I turn purple red, and quickly look away. There are no words to describe how embarrassed I feel. When I try to stand up, Katie's hand stops me. She pulls me back down from my arm, "Don't", I say.
"Oh, come on!", she whines, "It was a joke!"
I know that! I know that, "I know that", but I can't help it if I feel awkward talking about sex. I can't help it I'm a total prude. I can't help it. But, my God! How exiting the kiss was! How exited I was. Am. Still. Because of it, "I know that", I repeat, and give her a smile.
Katie smiles back.
And then we're kissing again.
tbc
Author: Megan
Disclaimer: Don't own the characters. Or other things 'Once and Again'.
Feedback: Yes, please: shy_grrl@hotmail.com
Summary: Katie/Jessie. A little later after the kiss... (Still not the show kiss.)
Author's Notes: A continuation to 'Perfect in an Imperfect World', you should read that first. Still haven't seen beyond mid season 2. And probably never will :-(. This story continues to rely on the TWoP recaps. Timeline is... between the school play, and Christmas. Jessie's pov.
Warning: Slash.
***
The sun, it's so bright. And annoying, the way it blinds you, when you stare at it. Or even when you don't, and the light just reflects from somewhere and hits you directly in the eye. Even in the middle of the winter, when it's supposed to be way far... or was it way close, but in a weird angle... I forget... but it still blinds me. Even more so, because of the newly fallen snow. Stupid thing. That sun.
Grace hasn't said a word. Grace doesn't talk too much. To me. And that's one of the few good qualities she has. She doesn't chatter endlessly, like her mother for instance. Grace only talks when she has something to say. And I kinda respect that.
Even though she could say something now. Should say. Like what she... saw... and heard... and figured out. She had to see something abnormal in the scene. Like my lame overreaction to EVERYTHING! God!, I'm such a freak. So why doesn't she say anything?!
I steal a quick glance at her. She's totally concentrated on the driving thing. Or lost in her own messy head. It's hard to tell from Grace, "Please don't tell anyone", I whisper in a whiny voice, when I can't take this not knowing anymore.
She glances back at me, with a confused face, "Tell anyone what?", she asks, shaking her head, and turning her attention back to the road.
I can't tell if she's just playing dumb, or if she... in fact, is dumb. I look at her for a second longer, and then turn my eyes out the side window again. But the sun is still out there, and I have to squint my eyes, almost close them altogether, to be able to do that.
It's almost like with Katie. Sometimes I look at her, and everything just goes blurry. And then I have to look away, even when I don't want to. I wonder, if it'll always be that way? Or, if it's just the first... crush thing. It has to be. It has to be all in my head, cause other people can look at her just fine.
"What you saw in the hallway", I say, deciding to take it a little further. She has to have figured it out. Grace is quite clever in many ways.
"Oh", she stutters, "You mean, about you lying to Katie where you were going?"
My head flings around and I scowl at her. She's doing her best to hide a smirk, but I see it. Lingering there, on her ugly mouth!, "No", I hiss, "About the whole thing."
This time she doesn't even try to hide the smile. When she glances at me, I get the urge to throttle her, "Oh! So you mean the you dating a girl thing?"
I glare at her and shake my head once, "See... this is why you don't have any friends, Grace. You're such a bitch."
"What?!", she yells. Maybe it wasn't a good idea to make her mad. With this knowledge in her possession, "I so have friends."
Yeah? Like who? Mr. Dimitri?, "And I'm so not DATING Katie", I mumble defensively.
"Of course you aren't", she bites back, "Cause that wouldn't fit your perfect Barbie-world. And I have friends."
"Whatever", I respond.
Why the Hell did dad have to get us mixed up with this family of sickos? Couldn't he have found some eighteen-year-old teen slut to get married to? I would've so much more preferred that to... this.
"Just, please, don't tell anyone", I whisper again, after a minute of silent driving.
"Yeah, all right. I get it already. You don't want anyone to know", Grace's still pissed off. Whatever, she started it, "And I have friends."
***
I knock on the garage door, and wait for an answer that never comes. Either he is passed out, again, or he isn't there. You never know with Eli. He might even be there, sulking, and just not bothering to answer. You never know.
So I knock again. And this time the door flies open, startling me, "What?", Eli asks with a groggy voice. His hair is all messed up, and he's wearing a dirty T-shirt.
"What?", I frown and brush past him, inside the garage, "That's how you greet me now?"
"Jessie...", he sounds annoyed. I'm sure I interrupted a real important sleep-session, "What do you want? I'm really tired", he says, and to prove his point, yawns.
I sit down on a chair, indicating that I won't be leaving, "When aren't you?", he's my brother, for God's sake. And he treats me like a stranger. Like I'm this huge inconvenience to him. Which I guess I was a time back, but not anymore. I don't force my company on him anymore. That often at least, "We're supposed to be heading for mom's in an hour."
Eli shakes his head and shrugs, "Yeah, and?", he acts like it isn't news to him. But he can't fool me, cause I know him.
"And I thought, I'd come wake you up."
"Mission accomplished", he gripes, and finally moves away from the doorway. I follow him with my eyes, as he walks to the bed and flops down on it again. I can't believe what a lazy bum he has become.
"Eli", I say after a while. He doesn't react to my voice in any way, "Have you noticed anything weird with mom?"
"Sure", he answers and sits up again, "Mom is weird by definition."
I return his joke with a mock grin, and press my eyes to the floor. Things are so easy to Eli. He doesn't worry about stuff, not the way I do. He doesn't over analyze everything in his head. He just deals with things as they come about.
"Why are you here Jessie?", Eli asks.
I glance at him. This time he seems to actually be paying attention to me. He might actually be listening to my response, "I don't wanna be... in there. With those people", I shrug.
"Fight with Grace again?", he sighs and starts rubbing his forehead.
Just watching him tires me up as well. I can't believe this is the same guy who was, like a huge basketball star last year, "No", I mutter and he chuckles, "We're just so different. It's so unreasonable to expect that we get along", I go on, while Eli yawns again, "She was totally evil to me on the way home."
"Aww. Was she now?", he starts teasing me with a grin, "You want me to go tell her to lay off my little sis?"
I laugh. I love my brother. Cause when he's being my brother, he's the best brother in the world. He makes me laugh, and he protects me. He makes me feel happy. But I see him less and less these days. Most times he's acting all youth rebel-y. Without a clue. Like the world's out to get him. Lost in the self-pity journey.
"Would you?", I kid. And he smiles. Doesn't grin or smirk, smiles. The way he sometimes does. It's his way of letting me know, that I am special to him. He makes the distinction between me and a stranger.
"Sure", he says quietly and stands up, "You go ahead. I'll be a few minutes. And then we can hop over to mom's."
"Okay", I also stand up. And then stop to look at him for a few more seconds. For some reason, without thinking twice about it, I open my mouth again, "Eli", I say, and he looks at me confused, "You would love me, no matter what, right?", he only frowns and looks even more confused, "You know, even if I was like a... a psychotic murderer or something?"
I don't know what he makes of my weird question, and I don't dare to explain it any further. In fear of making it too obvious, "I can't see how you could be any less lovable than you already are", he finally answers with a grin.
I exit the garage with a goofy smile on my face.
***
We pull into mom's driveway. Mom's? It's our home too. But at some point it has become more mom's than ours. And the other house is the Manning house, and that place feels even less like home. Me stuck up in the attic, and Eli crammed into the garage. Not that I'm complaining. The attic is pretty much the best place in the house, cause it's so secluded. Apart from the others.
"Your friend is here", Eli says, turning off the car.
"What?", I glance at him, "My friend?"
He nods out the front window and exits the car, "Yeah, that girl. What's her name?"
And then I see Katie for the first time. How could I not see her before? Sitting on the steps. I must've looked right through her. And usually I can spot her from even the biggest crowds.
I open my door, and step out, feeling nervous again. I always feel nervous when Katie's there, and we're not alone. Even more so now, than before. Afraid they'll see how I feel towards her.
She stands up and smiles, "Hi", she stutters to Eli, who only waves his hand. And then she turns to me. She is as nervous as I am, "Hey Jessie."
"Hey", I reply quietly and wait as she walks up to me. I want to hide, climb back into the car and lock the doors. But instead of doing that, I accept her hug, "What are you doing here?", I whisper into her ear.
Eli looks at us for a moment, then turns and heads inside, "Waiting for you", Katie states, pulling away from me.
It's that simple for her. She has feelings for me, she wants to show them, and to Hell with everyone else. It should be that simple for me too. But it isn't, "Why?", I ask and disentangle myself from her. She fights back weakly, not wanting to let go, "And why out here, and not inside?"
"I had to see you", she says and looks disappointed by my reaction. And why wouldn't she be? Why am I treating her so cold? Why can't I show her how I feel?, "And it felt too weird going inside. You know, cause I've actually only met your mother once. And she probably wouldn't even remember me, cause it was after the play and...", words are pouring out of Katie's mouth. I lose track of them. I lose sight of her, when the world starts to blur and I have to turn my eyes to the driveway. She finally pauses to breathe. But even then it's only for a second, "And I just had to see you", she finishes.
"Okay", I say and lift my gaze. She's squirming around, expecting an answer. Expecting me to put her mind at ease, "So... why?"
For a second I think she's going to start crying. But at the last moment she pulls herself together, and manages to hold back the tears. It still hurts me as much, though. How can I treat her so badly?, "Why are you being like this Jessie?", she asks in a teary voice, "Cause you said you liked the kiss", she's completely at a loss. Led astray by my behavior.
"I did!", I suddenly yell. And then realize where we're standing. It's not the place to have this conversation.
And as if to verify my thoughts, mom appears in the doorway, "Jessie?", she asks in confusion, "Aren't you coming in?"
"Umm...", I start mumbling, trying to think of a correct solution to the problem, "Yeah. Of course", I smile at her, and then at Katie, who's still standing there, waiting for my verdict, "You wanna come in, Katie?", I ask her, "Cause I did like it", I add more quietly with a nod.
And it's like she comes to life again. The nervous smile changes into a happy one, and the squirming stops. She follows me up the path, to the door, where mom is still weirding herself out.
"Hello...", she utters to Katie
"Oh", I stop for a second and do the introductions, "Mom, Katie. Katie, mom", they shake hands, and Katie smiles at my mom, who looks more than a little lost. The way she has looked for some time now, "You met her at... the play?", I start telling her, and then turn to Katie for confirmation.
"Yeah", the girl answers, "But it was only for like..."
"Oh yes! I remember", mom suddenly blurts out, and looks quite proud of her achievement, "You're the girl who made Jessie's costume."
"Umm...", Katie is unsure what to answer at first, "Well, no. I'm actually a friend of the girl who made Jessie's costume."
"Oh", mom replies, disappointed.
"And she didn't so much MAKE the costume, as she did... you know... acquire it", Katie's eyes flip between me and my mom, as she's trying to make sense.
"Right", mom says, and nods, "Well, come on inside."
I lead the way, hoping we can make an escape to my room straight away, "We're gona go up, mom", I say, throwing my coat on the hanger.
Mom doesn't answer at first, so we head for the stairs, "Okay. Are you staying for dinner Katie?", she finally talks, when we're halfway up.
I stop and turn to look at her. There is a sad smile on mom's face. I hate it when she gets this way. I hate it, because I don't what to do. And then I always end up avoiding her as much as possible, so I can pretend everything's fine. Denial is such a pretty thing.
I glance at Katie, who's looking to me for an answer. I nod slightly and she smiles, "Sure Mrs. Sammler", Katie says, "Thank you."
I don't know if I should be talking to her about it. Or not talking. If I should be with her, or leave her alone. I don't know if she wants me worrying about her. Cause that could only make her feel worse. But she has no one else. I don't think anyone else would even notice the change.
I close the door behind Katie, when we reach my room. She takes a few tentative steps inside, and looks around, "Your mom's nice", she says and turns around, towards me, "And so's the room", she adds with a smile.
I lean my back against the door frame and look down, "Thanks", I mumble, in lack of a better response.
"So what's the deal?", she blurts out, when I refuse to look at her, "Cause I get this feeling you're totally screwing with my head, just for the heck of it", there's a biting tone to her voice. My head jerks up, and I'm ready to deny the outrageous claims, but Katie's not finished, "And I know you're way too nice to do that."
I swallow hard, and try to gather my thoughts, "I'm not screwing with you", I start timidly, "This is just SO hard, you know?", she keeps her stern look fixed on me. Doesn't give any sort of affirmation, "I do like you Katie. In THAT way..."
"So what the Hell is the problem?", she cuts me off.
I don't know what the Hell the problem is! It's me probably, I'm usually the problem, "If anyone finds out..."
"So what if they do?", Katie jumps in again. She's really angry, "You've gotta stop obsessing with what everyone else thinks, Jessie. It's not healthy."
"It's easy for you to say", I whisper quietly. I don't like how she's being all control freaky. I may not be as self-confident as she is, but my thoughts still count, "I'm not as strong as you Katie."
Silence takes over the room. I look away from her. Outside, it has started to snow again. Occasionally a white flake hits my window, gets stuck to it, and then melts away. After a minute Katie talks again, "I'm not as strong as you think", her voice isn't angry anymore. It's quiet, insecure. Like mine, "When you treat me like this, it hurts."
"Treat you like how?", I try to defend myself. Okay, so I haven't been that open to her, but it's not like I'm ignoring her or anything.
"When you lie to me", she says and her voice breaks. When I turn to look at her, I find her eyes glistening with tears, "And try to hide me, like I'm something disgusting."
I gape at her, fighting back my own tears. I had no idea I was being that horrible to her, "I haven't lied to you...", I try again.
She looks even sadder. And really disappointed, "I know you didn't have therapy today."
Oh yeah. I did lie to her. And about something SO stupid! I look away in shame, "How...", I start to ask.
"Cause you told me so yourself yesterday!", Katie's shout draws my eyes immediately back to her.
Now the tears are openly sliding down her face. She stares at me bravely for a moment, and then turns away, "I'm sorry", I mumble. She walks to my chair and sits down. And wipes away the tears with her hand. And breaks my heart. I feel so small right now. Small and helpless. Useless.
"And it shouldn't even bother me. Cause I know you didn't mean anything bad by it", she fights the words through desperate sobs, "But it does bother me."
Oh Katie! I rush to close the distance between us, and kneel in front of her, "I won't lie to you again", I whisper, placing a hand on her lap, "I promise", somehow the lying part seems the worst. I shouldn't lie to her. Not about anything, "But we can't let people find out. I can't handle that. I can't", I say and start shaking my head.
Katie looks down at me with her big soggy eyes. She brings her hand closer and starts caressing my cheek, "God, you're so beautiful", she says, and smiles through the tears, "I can't believe how beautiful you are."
I lean into the cold touch of her hand. Katie's hands are so cold. I wonder why that is. But it's just perfect now, that I'm blushing from her words. When she tells me I'm beautiful, I believe her. When others tell me, I don't. She has this way of convincing me of everything.
Slowly she slides down the the floor from the chair, never breaking the contact for a second, "Katie...", I say her name, "We can't let people find out", I lift my hand too, and move it onto her face. Softly I start to dry out the tears, that are still left there. I can't believe how beautiful SHE is. SO much more beautiful than me.
"I won't tell, if you won't", she says quietly, "But you gotta stop with the overcompensation. We can touch each other in public."
Her words barely register in my mind, but I still nod. All I can see is her face. Her eyes, her nose, her lips... And before I know it, my head has jumped forward, and I'm kissing her. For the second time. Only this time, it's more intense. Passionate. This time I can't get enough of her. I bring my arms around her back and crush her with my hug. Crush her lips with mine. Her right hand has lowered its way on to my neck. I can't believe how cold her hand is. Compared to her face. It's freezing cold.
I push myself forward, and Katie almost loses her balance. At the last moment, she manages to steady herself with her other arm, and thus prevents us from falling down. The sudden motion breaks up the kiss. I quickly try to start it again, but she avoids me, turning her head away.
"Jessie", she says, short of breath. I look at her in confusion, "Slow down."
"I don't wanna", I grin at her.
She stares at me wide eyed for a moment, and then starts to laugh, "Okay. I get it", she says, "This 'picture of innocence' is just a cover to lure in unsuspecting girls like me. And then when you get us alone, you turn into this sex-beast?"
I turn purple red, and quickly look away. There are no words to describe how embarrassed I feel. When I try to stand up, Katie's hand stops me. She pulls me back down from my arm, "Don't", I say.
"Oh, come on!", she whines, "It was a joke!"
I know that! I know that, "I know that", but I can't help it if I feel awkward talking about sex. I can't help it I'm a total prude. I can't help it. But, my God! How exiting the kiss was! How exited I was. Am. Still. Because of it, "I know that", I repeat, and give her a smile.
Katie smiles back.
And then we're kissing again.
tbc