Near Heaven, Part Three
Author: Megan
Disclaimer: Don't own the characters. Or other things 'Once and Again'.
Feedback: Yes, please: shy_grrl@hotmail.com
Summary: Katie/Jessie. Christmas time.
Author's Notes: A continuation to 'Perfect in an Imperfect World', you should read that first. Still haven't seen beyond mid season 2. And probably never will :-(. This story continues to rely on the TWoP recaps. Timeline is... around the Christmas episode. Katie's pov.
***
"Where are you spending Christmas, Jessie?"
"With my mom... why?"
"No reason... I just thought..."
"Yeah?"
"Well... I could stop by? If it's okay with you..."
"I don't know... maybe if you ask real nicely."
"Are you serious? I'm not gona start begging, Jessie."
"Well, then you're just gona have to think of something else to do on Christmas... Katie."
"Can I, please..."
"Yes."
"... stupid."
"Aw! Don't be mad!"
***
I make my way up the path, to the door. Grasping the bag in my hand tighter.
Only one girl has the ability to make me this nervous. And get away with it. Only the girl I love with all my being. It's crazy. Things are happening SO fast. I've only known her for, like, two months. And already it feels like I can't be without her. Like I'd die if she decided I'm not what she wants. Needs.
I take a deep breath and push the doorbell.
Thing is, Jessie wants me all right. But she doesn't need me. In fact, she thinks I'm the last thing she needs. She thinks her life is messed up enough, without bringing the whole gay issue into the mix. That's why I'm always treated like a not-so-close friend, when we're around her family members. Which isn't often. There was that one dinner with Karen and Eli. Other than that, I haven't pretty much seen them for more than a few seconds at a time. Any of them. Save Grace, who sometimes bumps into us at school. Bumped, before the holidays.
Quiet footsteps voice through the door. They stop. There's a short pause before the door opens, and I'm greeted by Jessie's smiling face. I smile back.
That's why this... visit is making me so anxious. Cause she is actually allowing me to interact with people. And I'd hate to screw up things, and give her more reason to hide me in the closet. So to speak.
"Hey", she says.
"Hi."
"You came."
"As promised", I shrug and step inside, when she makes room for me, "And look!", I exclaim cheerily spinning to face her, "I bear gifts."
She glances at the plastic bag, I dangle in front of her, and grins, "Wow", she shakes her head, "You must be the deluxe model."
"That's me", I reply and slip out of my coat with Jessie's assistance, "New and improved girlfriend. Now with three extra prezzies."
"Three?", she frowns, and disposes of my coat, throwing it on a chair.
"Yeah", I frown back, "One for you. One for your mother. And one for your brother", I count them with my fingers, "Three."
"You brought a present for Eli?", she furrows her brows. I nod, "Why?"
"Becaaause...", I start dragging out the word, and shaking my head, "It's Christmas?"
She laughs a little, and starts towards the living room. I follow her, "I can guarantee you, he doesn't have a present for you", she says.
Jessie's behavior is so encouraging. So relaxing. She seems comfortable, and not at all high-strung. Like in the past, when we've been around people.
The living room. Karen is just picking up an ornament from the floor, where it has supposedly fallen from the Christmas tree. Eli is slouched on the sofa, staring at some black and white movie from the tv. There's a half finished monopoly game on the floor, and a half crushed gingerbread house on the table.
"Katie's here", Jessie announces, walking in the middle of the room.
I stop at the doorway, feeling a little out of place, "Hi everyone", I chirp waving my hand as they turn to look at me.
Eli just bends his head into an unnatural position, refusing to move the rest of his body, "Hi", he says and returns to the tv.
Karen, on the other hand, smiles warmly, "Hello", she says, and quickly hangs the fallen ornament back on the tree, before turning back towards me, "Welcome."
I smile back at her. An uncomfortable silence falls into the room. Only the tv's distant voice breaks it. A perfect example, how things are better with only Jessie. Silence is never uncomfortable with her. But in a crowd... hoo boy, "Oh!... Katie brought gifts", Jessie suddenly pipes up, and turns to look at her mother, "She brought a gift for Eli."
"She did?", Karen frowns at her daughter, and then looks at me again, "Why?", she shakes her head.
Oookay... how weird is that! What the Hell is so incomprehensible about bringing a gift to a guy?!
"You brought a gift for me?", Eli has again bent his neck the way I thought only owls could manage.
"If you ask me why, I'm gona have to hurt you", I quickly intercept, nodding my head.
Luckily he seems to appreciate my sense of humor, and grins, "But I don't have anything for you."
"Don't worry. I kinda guessed that", I say and pull out a wrapped box from the bag, "It's just chocolate anyway", I finish and hand it over to him.
He grabs it, "Thanks", he says, "I like chocolate."
"Yeah? Who doesn't?", I say. I've never met a person who doesn't like chocolate. Some might say they don't, but they're always lying, "I mean, it's chocolate. What's not to like?"
"Exactly!", the brother gets all exited and straightens his back. He turns to my direction and spreads his arms, "There's sugar. And candy. And all the different variations", he says and shakes his head, "It's perfect."
"Oh!, plus there's also that rush you get when you eat like...", I say, pointing a finger at him, "A LOT of it."
He starts laughing and nodding his head. I grin back at him, and steal a glance in Jessie's direction. The two Sammler women are gaping at us, "Yeah", Jessie stutters out in confusion, "The rush is you hurrying into the bathroom to VOMIT", she says pressing the last word to extremes.
I leer at her for a few seconds, and then chuckle, "Gross!"
"Oh! That's gross?", Jessie gets all outraged. She turns to her mother for back up, "THAT'S gross?!", but the woman only shakes her head, and so Jessie flings back around towards me, "You're the one who thinks chocolate is mankind's greatest achievement."
"Well... yeah", Eli answers, before I get a chance. He's smirking at his sister now, "Cause it is."
Jessie glares at him and flops down on an armchair opposite from the couch, "Shut up, chocolate-boy", she mumbles barely audibly.
I fight to keep the grin away from my face. Jessie is SO adorable when she gets upset. About the stupidest little things. I don't even know what she has against chocolate. I sit down on the other chair, that's between the two siblings. But just a tiny bit closer to the sister, cause that's the way I like it.
There's another silence, only this time it's not as awkward. It's quite comfy. I stare at the tv for a moment, trying to come up with a name for the movie. It looks familiar, but I can't pinpoint it. Karen walks up from behind me, and makes her way to the couch. She smiles at me as she sits down. Her eyes stay on me.
"Nice gingerbread house", I comment, when the woman's stare gets too piercing, "Are you gona eat it?"
No one answers at first. Then Eli talks again, "No way. Jessie's like that witch from the story. You try to eat her house, and she'll put you in the oven, and cook you for dinner", he starts laughing. A pillow flies across the table and he grabs it with one hand, "Happened to this little boy last night. Hansel. Or Jamie. Whichever", he mumbles the last words quietly.
"Shut up!", Jessie cries.
On the couch, the mother has pressed her head down, in an attempt to hide a wide grin. It's useless though, as the bursts of smothered laughter shake her body. Jessie stares her way, feeling betrayed at first, but slowly I notice a smile working its way onto her pretty, pretty face. And I smile too. The scene is quite adorable in its own way. No matter, if I'm feeling like an outsider. It's just nice to see Jessie so obviously happy.
"Oh, here're your presents", I interrupt, handing Jessie a larger box from the bag, and Karen the exact replica of Eli's present, "You got chocolate too... sorry", I smile apologetically to her, "I suck at gifts."
"No, it's great! You can never have too much chocolate", Karen argues. How sweet of her, "I'll go get your present", she says, and makes a hasty exit.
"I have a present for you too", Jessie says looking at me with her big eyes, while she rips away the paper from the box. I smile at her, "But it's upstairs. I'll give it to you later."
"Okay", I nod my head.
"I just didn't want you to think..."
"Okay, Jessie", I cut her off, and start laughing.
She smiles back. And has finally revealed the golden carton box inside the wrapper. Pushing a few strands of hair behind her ear, she lifts the top of the box. Her initial reaction is an openmouthed stare, which slowly turns towards me. I frown at her weird expression.
"I love it!", she suddenly squeals, and lifts up the white turtleneck sweater, I got for her, "I love it!", she repeats, jumping up from her seat.
She comes over, and gives me a hug, "I didn't want to give you anything too relationshippy, you know?", I whisper into her ear, so the brother won't hear anything.
"It's perfect", she whispers back. Okay. Whatever. It's just a sweater. But if she likes it, then who am I to argue? Slowly she pulls away, and straightens her back, "Like you", she continues in a normal tone. Her eyes linger on me for a few seconds, before something behind me catches her attention, "Look mom!", she chirps, smiling happily, and modeling the shirt in front of her, "Look what Katie got me."
There's a shortish gap in the flow of praise that my gift is receiving. Then Karen comes up closer, "Oh, it's very nice Jessie", the woman comments in a weird voice. In a very weird, non-convincing voice, "Here you go", she goes on, and hands me an envelope.
I look up at her. An envelope? The Hell? Nervously, I flip open the unsealed top, and pull out two movie tickets, "It's... umm...", wow! So NOT what I was expecting.
"Mom!", Jessie whines. She's still standing in front of me, and is outraged by the gift, "Movie tickets?!"
"What?", Karen shakes her head. She looks slightly confused, "Everybody likes movies. Right?", she says and turns a hopeful look towards me, "They're good for any show."
I notice how Jessie's about to protest some more, and so I quickly jump to intervene, "It's great. I love movies. Thanks", words start to jump out of my mouth. Thank God my automated response system has always been reliable. Even when I'm too befuddled to think of a good reply, my mouth always spews out acceptable words. Well... not always of course. Just most times, "In fact, it's very great. I'm gona copy this gift idea from you", I go on, and smile at the woman, "I mean, everybody loves movies. Like you said."
Karen smiles back, and nods her head once. I kinda like Jessie's mother. Sometimes she looks like a lost puppy, "No... I prefer chocolate", Eli pipes up from the background, "Much better present for a stranger."
"Yeah, okay Eli", Jessie says, "We all know you like to give out candy to little kids in the park. Come on Katie. I wanna give you your present", she takes a hold of my hand, and pulls me up from the chair.
"Okay", I say, and glance at the tv once more. And then it hits me, "Oh, hey! It's a wonderful life!"
Eli turns to look at me, "That it is", he says.
And we're off.
***
"I love this so much!", Jessie again chirps from the front of the mirror. She's been looking at herself in the sweater for almost a minute already. I had no idea she'd go so totally berserk over the present, "I think it's the single most best thing I got for Christmas."
I smile at her, even though she doesn't see it, and start to fiddle with the silvery bracelet again. It has the tiniest heart on it. I can't believe she'd buy something like this for me, "I could return it, and get something nicer", I comment quietly. I mean, I get her a cheap sweater, and she goes out and spends a small fortune on jewelry... it's not fair.
"No!", she shouts, and my head jerks up. She's turned around and is staring at me with the most furious face, "I love this."
"Fine", I mutter, "But next year, you HAVE to let me give you the better present."
Jessie's face goes blank. And then she turns towards the mirror again, "Next year?", she asks in a low voice.
"Yeah? That's the year that comes after this one", I say, trying to sound casual. So, she's not thinking about the future, so what? It doesn't mean anything. Not a thing. Lots of people live in the moment. I used to do that. Before I met her, and started dreaming of all kinds of lives we could be living.
She's quiet for a time. Still staring at the image of herself. Finally, when I think she's just gona not say anything, her mouth opens, "Sure", she says, and nods, "But I think I got the better deal here. I mean, anyone can give their girlfriend a cheap bracelet. But this sweater... it really speaks in volumes."
And there goes all my anxiety flying out the window. Because of a single word, hidden in a sentence, and said like it's nothing out of the ordinary. Girlfriend. And it is out of the ordinary. It's the first time she's said it to me. Called me that.
"It does?", I ask her, deciding not to make a big deal of it, "What's it saying?"
Jessie finally agrees to leave the mirror, and comes sit by me, on the bed. She's smiling, like she does, when she's happy, "Lots of things", she says, "But they're private things. I can't share them."
"Not even with me? Your girlfriend?", I say with mock hurt.
She giggles shortly, and lies down on her back, with her feet dangling over the edge, "Well, okay then. It's saying, how you want to keep me warm, so I won't get sick", she talks slowly, with her eyes cast on the roof, and a dreamy look about her face, "It's saying, how you like me in white. And... other things too", she finishes and glances at me.
I smile, and lie down next to her. On my side, facing her. I pick up a few strands of her hair, and start to play with them, "Jessie...", I say her name tentatively. Her head turns, and she looks at me questioningly, "Do you think we'll still be together next year?"
"Sure", she answers, and turns to stare at the roof again, "I mean, it's only a week away."
I groan, and tuck her hair slightly, making her wince at first, and then start laughing, "I mean next Christmas."
She stops laughing, and turns my way again, "We better be. Cause you still owe my plenty on the present competition", she says and grins wickedly.
"But I thought you said, my present was way better?"
"I was just being nice", she says, "I mean, come on. A sweater?", she barely manages to finish the sentence, before she's laughing again. This time harder. I pick up a pillow and smack her in the head with it, and the laughter only gets louder. And pretty soon I join her. Cause it seems like fun.
There is no end in sight to Jessie's amusement. It would go on indefinitely, if it weren't for her mother's interruption, "Umm... girls?", she asks, immediately getting Jessie's attention. The girl jumps up into a sitting position, and the laughter is gone, "Dinner's ready."
I roll over and find Karen smiling awkwardly at the door, "Mom...", Jessie is shaking her head, and frowning, "God! Ever hear of knocking?"
"On an open door?", the woman replies with a frown, "What's the point?"
"The point is that...", Jessie starts babbling, and stands up. She flails around on her feet, "You just... you can't...", she gets lost in her own head.
I sit up too. And start fixing my hair, which got all messed up rolling on the bed. If Jessie would just think before talking, things would be so much easier. There was nothing weird in what we were doing. Nothing at all, that millions of girls that are just friends, haven't done before us. She's making the situation abnormal by freaking out over nothing.
Finally she stops fidgeting, and takes a deep breath, "We'll be right down", she says bowing her head.
I stare at Karen, who only looks confused. The way she so often does, "Okay", she says and disappears out into the corridor.
I smile at Jessie when she turns my way. She knows she was freaking out again, for absolutely no reason at all. And now she's mentally kicking herself over it. So she doesn't need my stupid advice, "Could I BE any more embarrassing?", she says.
"I think it's totally adorable", I answer with a chuckle. She glares at me and sits back down, next to me. But doesn't say anything, "Jessie", I again say her name, so as to change the subject. I want to make her forget it. There is no point in dwelling on something that is over and done with. And she turns towards me again, very much like only minutes before. Only this time, we're sitting, and not lying, "What's up with your mother?"
"What do you mean? Nothing's up with her", she gets all defensive.
And I don't know whether I should drop the whole subject, or go on, "She just... I don't know, looks so sad. Even when she's smiling."
At first I think she's gona blow up, start screaming at me. Her eyes grow so big, and her mouth hangs open. I almost start to take back my words, when something in her changes. The mouth closes, and the eyes turn away, "It's just stuff", she says, shaking her head. Her words are so weak, I have to strain to hear them, "She... she goes through these periods... of depression."
I don't answer. I don't know how to answer. How much problems can you load up on one girl anyway? Slowly I reach out, and take her hand into mine. She still keeps studying the carpet on her floor.
"Her life isn't exactly perfect at the moment", she goes on after a time, "There's like, no one who cares about her."
"What do you mean? There's you", I say softly, starting to regret I brought up such a depressing topic, "And your goofy brother."
"Mom and Eli...", Jessie says, and her voice falters a little. I lean closer and lift her chin with my other hand. There are tears sliding down her face, "They don't get along. At all", she says shaking her head, "They fight ALL the time. And I treat her like she's got leprosy or something...", fresh tears spill from her eyes, and I pull her into a hug. She buries her face into my hair, "I don't mean to. I want to help her, but I don't know how."
I start stroking her hair, while she cries away her sadness. I have no idea what to say to her, how to make it better. So I don't say anything. I just let her cry. Cause sometimes that's all you need to do, to feel better. There are times when words are useless, and you just need to be quiet.
And there are times, when you have this compulsive need to say something, "I love you so much", I whisper into her ear, when she finally stops weeping, after almost two minutes.
"I know", she answers, pulling back. She wipes her eyes dry, and stands up.
I didn't expect a return, and I don't get one. But I don't let it bother me too much. Sometimes you have to take things as they come. She'll say the words when she's good and ready. When she is sure that she does love me.
"Let's go to dinner", she goes on, and heads for the door.
end, for now
Author: Megan
Disclaimer: Don't own the characters. Or other things 'Once and Again'.
Feedback: Yes, please: shy_grrl@hotmail.com
Summary: Katie/Jessie. Christmas time.
Author's Notes: A continuation to 'Perfect in an Imperfect World', you should read that first. Still haven't seen beyond mid season 2. And probably never will :-(. This story continues to rely on the TWoP recaps. Timeline is... around the Christmas episode. Katie's pov.
***
"Where are you spending Christmas, Jessie?"
"With my mom... why?"
"No reason... I just thought..."
"Yeah?"
"Well... I could stop by? If it's okay with you..."
"I don't know... maybe if you ask real nicely."
"Are you serious? I'm not gona start begging, Jessie."
"Well, then you're just gona have to think of something else to do on Christmas... Katie."
"Can I, please..."
"Yes."
"... stupid."
"Aw! Don't be mad!"
***
I make my way up the path, to the door. Grasping the bag in my hand tighter.
Only one girl has the ability to make me this nervous. And get away with it. Only the girl I love with all my being. It's crazy. Things are happening SO fast. I've only known her for, like, two months. And already it feels like I can't be without her. Like I'd die if she decided I'm not what she wants. Needs.
I take a deep breath and push the doorbell.
Thing is, Jessie wants me all right. But she doesn't need me. In fact, she thinks I'm the last thing she needs. She thinks her life is messed up enough, without bringing the whole gay issue into the mix. That's why I'm always treated like a not-so-close friend, when we're around her family members. Which isn't often. There was that one dinner with Karen and Eli. Other than that, I haven't pretty much seen them for more than a few seconds at a time. Any of them. Save Grace, who sometimes bumps into us at school. Bumped, before the holidays.
Quiet footsteps voice through the door. They stop. There's a short pause before the door opens, and I'm greeted by Jessie's smiling face. I smile back.
That's why this... visit is making me so anxious. Cause she is actually allowing me to interact with people. And I'd hate to screw up things, and give her more reason to hide me in the closet. So to speak.
"Hey", she says.
"Hi."
"You came."
"As promised", I shrug and step inside, when she makes room for me, "And look!", I exclaim cheerily spinning to face her, "I bear gifts."
She glances at the plastic bag, I dangle in front of her, and grins, "Wow", she shakes her head, "You must be the deluxe model."
"That's me", I reply and slip out of my coat with Jessie's assistance, "New and improved girlfriend. Now with three extra prezzies."
"Three?", she frowns, and disposes of my coat, throwing it on a chair.
"Yeah", I frown back, "One for you. One for your mother. And one for your brother", I count them with my fingers, "Three."
"You brought a present for Eli?", she furrows her brows. I nod, "Why?"
"Becaaause...", I start dragging out the word, and shaking my head, "It's Christmas?"
She laughs a little, and starts towards the living room. I follow her, "I can guarantee you, he doesn't have a present for you", she says.
Jessie's behavior is so encouraging. So relaxing. She seems comfortable, and not at all high-strung. Like in the past, when we've been around people.
The living room. Karen is just picking up an ornament from the floor, where it has supposedly fallen from the Christmas tree. Eli is slouched on the sofa, staring at some black and white movie from the tv. There's a half finished monopoly game on the floor, and a half crushed gingerbread house on the table.
"Katie's here", Jessie announces, walking in the middle of the room.
I stop at the doorway, feeling a little out of place, "Hi everyone", I chirp waving my hand as they turn to look at me.
Eli just bends his head into an unnatural position, refusing to move the rest of his body, "Hi", he says and returns to the tv.
Karen, on the other hand, smiles warmly, "Hello", she says, and quickly hangs the fallen ornament back on the tree, before turning back towards me, "Welcome."
I smile back at her. An uncomfortable silence falls into the room. Only the tv's distant voice breaks it. A perfect example, how things are better with only Jessie. Silence is never uncomfortable with her. But in a crowd... hoo boy, "Oh!... Katie brought gifts", Jessie suddenly pipes up, and turns to look at her mother, "She brought a gift for Eli."
"She did?", Karen frowns at her daughter, and then looks at me again, "Why?", she shakes her head.
Oookay... how weird is that! What the Hell is so incomprehensible about bringing a gift to a guy?!
"You brought a gift for me?", Eli has again bent his neck the way I thought only owls could manage.
"If you ask me why, I'm gona have to hurt you", I quickly intercept, nodding my head.
Luckily he seems to appreciate my sense of humor, and grins, "But I don't have anything for you."
"Don't worry. I kinda guessed that", I say and pull out a wrapped box from the bag, "It's just chocolate anyway", I finish and hand it over to him.
He grabs it, "Thanks", he says, "I like chocolate."
"Yeah? Who doesn't?", I say. I've never met a person who doesn't like chocolate. Some might say they don't, but they're always lying, "I mean, it's chocolate. What's not to like?"
"Exactly!", the brother gets all exited and straightens his back. He turns to my direction and spreads his arms, "There's sugar. And candy. And all the different variations", he says and shakes his head, "It's perfect."
"Oh!, plus there's also that rush you get when you eat like...", I say, pointing a finger at him, "A LOT of it."
He starts laughing and nodding his head. I grin back at him, and steal a glance in Jessie's direction. The two Sammler women are gaping at us, "Yeah", Jessie stutters out in confusion, "The rush is you hurrying into the bathroom to VOMIT", she says pressing the last word to extremes.
I leer at her for a few seconds, and then chuckle, "Gross!"
"Oh! That's gross?", Jessie gets all outraged. She turns to her mother for back up, "THAT'S gross?!", but the woman only shakes her head, and so Jessie flings back around towards me, "You're the one who thinks chocolate is mankind's greatest achievement."
"Well... yeah", Eli answers, before I get a chance. He's smirking at his sister now, "Cause it is."
Jessie glares at him and flops down on an armchair opposite from the couch, "Shut up, chocolate-boy", she mumbles barely audibly.
I fight to keep the grin away from my face. Jessie is SO adorable when she gets upset. About the stupidest little things. I don't even know what she has against chocolate. I sit down on the other chair, that's between the two siblings. But just a tiny bit closer to the sister, cause that's the way I like it.
There's another silence, only this time it's not as awkward. It's quite comfy. I stare at the tv for a moment, trying to come up with a name for the movie. It looks familiar, but I can't pinpoint it. Karen walks up from behind me, and makes her way to the couch. She smiles at me as she sits down. Her eyes stay on me.
"Nice gingerbread house", I comment, when the woman's stare gets too piercing, "Are you gona eat it?"
No one answers at first. Then Eli talks again, "No way. Jessie's like that witch from the story. You try to eat her house, and she'll put you in the oven, and cook you for dinner", he starts laughing. A pillow flies across the table and he grabs it with one hand, "Happened to this little boy last night. Hansel. Or Jamie. Whichever", he mumbles the last words quietly.
"Shut up!", Jessie cries.
On the couch, the mother has pressed her head down, in an attempt to hide a wide grin. It's useless though, as the bursts of smothered laughter shake her body. Jessie stares her way, feeling betrayed at first, but slowly I notice a smile working its way onto her pretty, pretty face. And I smile too. The scene is quite adorable in its own way. No matter, if I'm feeling like an outsider. It's just nice to see Jessie so obviously happy.
"Oh, here're your presents", I interrupt, handing Jessie a larger box from the bag, and Karen the exact replica of Eli's present, "You got chocolate too... sorry", I smile apologetically to her, "I suck at gifts."
"No, it's great! You can never have too much chocolate", Karen argues. How sweet of her, "I'll go get your present", she says, and makes a hasty exit.
"I have a present for you too", Jessie says looking at me with her big eyes, while she rips away the paper from the box. I smile at her, "But it's upstairs. I'll give it to you later."
"Okay", I nod my head.
"I just didn't want you to think..."
"Okay, Jessie", I cut her off, and start laughing.
She smiles back. And has finally revealed the golden carton box inside the wrapper. Pushing a few strands of hair behind her ear, she lifts the top of the box. Her initial reaction is an openmouthed stare, which slowly turns towards me. I frown at her weird expression.
"I love it!", she suddenly squeals, and lifts up the white turtleneck sweater, I got for her, "I love it!", she repeats, jumping up from her seat.
She comes over, and gives me a hug, "I didn't want to give you anything too relationshippy, you know?", I whisper into her ear, so the brother won't hear anything.
"It's perfect", she whispers back. Okay. Whatever. It's just a sweater. But if she likes it, then who am I to argue? Slowly she pulls away, and straightens her back, "Like you", she continues in a normal tone. Her eyes linger on me for a few seconds, before something behind me catches her attention, "Look mom!", she chirps, smiling happily, and modeling the shirt in front of her, "Look what Katie got me."
There's a shortish gap in the flow of praise that my gift is receiving. Then Karen comes up closer, "Oh, it's very nice Jessie", the woman comments in a weird voice. In a very weird, non-convincing voice, "Here you go", she goes on, and hands me an envelope.
I look up at her. An envelope? The Hell? Nervously, I flip open the unsealed top, and pull out two movie tickets, "It's... umm...", wow! So NOT what I was expecting.
"Mom!", Jessie whines. She's still standing in front of me, and is outraged by the gift, "Movie tickets?!"
"What?", Karen shakes her head. She looks slightly confused, "Everybody likes movies. Right?", she says and turns a hopeful look towards me, "They're good for any show."
I notice how Jessie's about to protest some more, and so I quickly jump to intervene, "It's great. I love movies. Thanks", words start to jump out of my mouth. Thank God my automated response system has always been reliable. Even when I'm too befuddled to think of a good reply, my mouth always spews out acceptable words. Well... not always of course. Just most times, "In fact, it's very great. I'm gona copy this gift idea from you", I go on, and smile at the woman, "I mean, everybody loves movies. Like you said."
Karen smiles back, and nods her head once. I kinda like Jessie's mother. Sometimes she looks like a lost puppy, "No... I prefer chocolate", Eli pipes up from the background, "Much better present for a stranger."
"Yeah, okay Eli", Jessie says, "We all know you like to give out candy to little kids in the park. Come on Katie. I wanna give you your present", she takes a hold of my hand, and pulls me up from the chair.
"Okay", I say, and glance at the tv once more. And then it hits me, "Oh, hey! It's a wonderful life!"
Eli turns to look at me, "That it is", he says.
And we're off.
***
"I love this so much!", Jessie again chirps from the front of the mirror. She's been looking at herself in the sweater for almost a minute already. I had no idea she'd go so totally berserk over the present, "I think it's the single most best thing I got for Christmas."
I smile at her, even though she doesn't see it, and start to fiddle with the silvery bracelet again. It has the tiniest heart on it. I can't believe she'd buy something like this for me, "I could return it, and get something nicer", I comment quietly. I mean, I get her a cheap sweater, and she goes out and spends a small fortune on jewelry... it's not fair.
"No!", she shouts, and my head jerks up. She's turned around and is staring at me with the most furious face, "I love this."
"Fine", I mutter, "But next year, you HAVE to let me give you the better present."
Jessie's face goes blank. And then she turns towards the mirror again, "Next year?", she asks in a low voice.
"Yeah? That's the year that comes after this one", I say, trying to sound casual. So, she's not thinking about the future, so what? It doesn't mean anything. Not a thing. Lots of people live in the moment. I used to do that. Before I met her, and started dreaming of all kinds of lives we could be living.
She's quiet for a time. Still staring at the image of herself. Finally, when I think she's just gona not say anything, her mouth opens, "Sure", she says, and nods, "But I think I got the better deal here. I mean, anyone can give their girlfriend a cheap bracelet. But this sweater... it really speaks in volumes."
And there goes all my anxiety flying out the window. Because of a single word, hidden in a sentence, and said like it's nothing out of the ordinary. Girlfriend. And it is out of the ordinary. It's the first time she's said it to me. Called me that.
"It does?", I ask her, deciding not to make a big deal of it, "What's it saying?"
Jessie finally agrees to leave the mirror, and comes sit by me, on the bed. She's smiling, like she does, when she's happy, "Lots of things", she says, "But they're private things. I can't share them."
"Not even with me? Your girlfriend?", I say with mock hurt.
She giggles shortly, and lies down on her back, with her feet dangling over the edge, "Well, okay then. It's saying, how you want to keep me warm, so I won't get sick", she talks slowly, with her eyes cast on the roof, and a dreamy look about her face, "It's saying, how you like me in white. And... other things too", she finishes and glances at me.
I smile, and lie down next to her. On my side, facing her. I pick up a few strands of her hair, and start to play with them, "Jessie...", I say her name tentatively. Her head turns, and she looks at me questioningly, "Do you think we'll still be together next year?"
"Sure", she answers, and turns to stare at the roof again, "I mean, it's only a week away."
I groan, and tuck her hair slightly, making her wince at first, and then start laughing, "I mean next Christmas."
She stops laughing, and turns my way again, "We better be. Cause you still owe my plenty on the present competition", she says and grins wickedly.
"But I thought you said, my present was way better?"
"I was just being nice", she says, "I mean, come on. A sweater?", she barely manages to finish the sentence, before she's laughing again. This time harder. I pick up a pillow and smack her in the head with it, and the laughter only gets louder. And pretty soon I join her. Cause it seems like fun.
There is no end in sight to Jessie's amusement. It would go on indefinitely, if it weren't for her mother's interruption, "Umm... girls?", she asks, immediately getting Jessie's attention. The girl jumps up into a sitting position, and the laughter is gone, "Dinner's ready."
I roll over and find Karen smiling awkwardly at the door, "Mom...", Jessie is shaking her head, and frowning, "God! Ever hear of knocking?"
"On an open door?", the woman replies with a frown, "What's the point?"
"The point is that...", Jessie starts babbling, and stands up. She flails around on her feet, "You just... you can't...", she gets lost in her own head.
I sit up too. And start fixing my hair, which got all messed up rolling on the bed. If Jessie would just think before talking, things would be so much easier. There was nothing weird in what we were doing. Nothing at all, that millions of girls that are just friends, haven't done before us. She's making the situation abnormal by freaking out over nothing.
Finally she stops fidgeting, and takes a deep breath, "We'll be right down", she says bowing her head.
I stare at Karen, who only looks confused. The way she so often does, "Okay", she says and disappears out into the corridor.
I smile at Jessie when she turns my way. She knows she was freaking out again, for absolutely no reason at all. And now she's mentally kicking herself over it. So she doesn't need my stupid advice, "Could I BE any more embarrassing?", she says.
"I think it's totally adorable", I answer with a chuckle. She glares at me and sits back down, next to me. But doesn't say anything, "Jessie", I again say her name, so as to change the subject. I want to make her forget it. There is no point in dwelling on something that is over and done with. And she turns towards me again, very much like only minutes before. Only this time, we're sitting, and not lying, "What's up with your mother?"
"What do you mean? Nothing's up with her", she gets all defensive.
And I don't know whether I should drop the whole subject, or go on, "She just... I don't know, looks so sad. Even when she's smiling."
At first I think she's gona blow up, start screaming at me. Her eyes grow so big, and her mouth hangs open. I almost start to take back my words, when something in her changes. The mouth closes, and the eyes turn away, "It's just stuff", she says, shaking her head. Her words are so weak, I have to strain to hear them, "She... she goes through these periods... of depression."
I don't answer. I don't know how to answer. How much problems can you load up on one girl anyway? Slowly I reach out, and take her hand into mine. She still keeps studying the carpet on her floor.
"Her life isn't exactly perfect at the moment", she goes on after a time, "There's like, no one who cares about her."
"What do you mean? There's you", I say softly, starting to regret I brought up such a depressing topic, "And your goofy brother."
"Mom and Eli...", Jessie says, and her voice falters a little. I lean closer and lift her chin with my other hand. There are tears sliding down her face, "They don't get along. At all", she says shaking her head, "They fight ALL the time. And I treat her like she's got leprosy or something...", fresh tears spill from her eyes, and I pull her into a hug. She buries her face into my hair, "I don't mean to. I want to help her, but I don't know how."
I start stroking her hair, while she cries away her sadness. I have no idea what to say to her, how to make it better. So I don't say anything. I just let her cry. Cause sometimes that's all you need to do, to feel better. There are times when words are useless, and you just need to be quiet.
And there are times, when you have this compulsive need to say something, "I love you so much", I whisper into her ear, when she finally stops weeping, after almost two minutes.
"I know", she answers, pulling back. She wipes her eyes dry, and stands up.
I didn't expect a return, and I don't get one. But I don't let it bother me too much. Sometimes you have to take things as they come. She'll say the words when she's good and ready. When she is sure that she does love me.
"Let's go to dinner", she goes on, and heads for the door.
end, for now