Chapter 11

I awoke, and slowly stood. The world moved around me, drifting soundlessly. Tori stared at me from the table. I took a step forward, and it was not as hard as yesterday. Yesterday when all I could do was open my eyes and wish for an end to this torture. Another step, and I breathe. Not so bad… Just one step at a time, and I'm all right.

I made it to the table this time. I should eat. Yes, Tori, I know. But I'm not hungry.

"You haven't been hungry for days." I nod, knowing what she said before she said it. "Food is good. It keeps you alive." There was humor in her voice, and I tried my best to smile at it. I failed.

She understands, but she doesn't. Why is it that I always end up with the walking contradictions? First Tori, then her and even I myself am one. Tori fixed a pint for me, and a glass of Morbonian Red for her. I only held it lovingly, not daring my stomach to take a drink. She knows what I'm thinking, like she always does, and lets it be for a time.

The hyperdrive hums. Something in the cockpit beeps once, then goes silent. Tori sipped her wine nervously, pushing me to say something at long last.

"Where are we going?"

Part of the tension leaves the room.

"Yavin 4."

I nodded. "You know what happened while we were… asleep?" My voice was labored and sluggish, like I had a sponge for a tongue, but I managed the sentence.

She sighed, her voice turning annoyed. "I wish Kenobi were here so I could kick his Jedi ass."

This time, her humor got a slight smile out of me, but I felt the guilt rise up and it quickly faded. Tori noticed, and changed the subject.

"Would you like to go to Morbos instead?" She sounded almost excited. "We could see what's changed in the city, then maybe take one of those tours on the ocean that we never got to." Her old smile came through then, and I felt, for a split second, like living. Her eyes flashed blue as the seas and skies from whence she came, then literally glowed like light of a hundred stars. Something caught in my throat, and I realized that it was a laugh. I let it out, and her eyes faded to a warming orange-purple gradient.

"You know we don't have the money for that." It didn't need to be said, but for the moment, talking like normal people seemed like the right thing to do.

Tori shook her head proudly, tossing brown locks this way and that. "I took a run through the Capital District, and got a shit-load of money! Enough to buy us a few days on a high-class yacht. We could take it around the planet, maybe, and see the waters for ourselves. And maybe, if there's a storm…"

"We could see them Ride the Lightening…" I finished for her when she paused whimsically. Talking of the Galaxia, the species who were born of the oceans and lived their hundreds of years of life in the atmosphere, brought a special kind of spark into her eyes. The light in them was now that of electricity, and I longed for it to last forever. I could survive here, next to her. I could drink of her voice and feast of her eyes. It was a deep kind of love that we shared. We understood what was not to be understood between friends, and kept a distance that a lover couldn't stand. It was never too much to ask, though, as I'm sure Tori would take me to her bed if I did. But I didn't want to ask, for I knew what would become of us if that happened. We could be happy together, of course, but it would destroy us both. I would too often get drunk off of her, she would become violent in her affections, and we would welcome it all until it killed us.

The thought brought me back to reality, and the joy in the room faded. Tori sighed, and shook her head solemnly.

We need to talk about this. I know, Tori, I know. But…

I choked back a sob. It's too much! Just too much…

"No, it's not, Deseray. Please," Tori's cool skin met mine, covering my hand with hers over the mug of beer. "You're not the kind of person to give your heart away like you did." I tried hard not to crush the glass in my hands. "Especially not to another girl."

I felt my heart go cold as she spoke, because I knew it was true. Rarely had I ever lusted after another girl. Most of the people I had gone after in all my years of wild, teenage hormones where male. This was, on my planet, considered quite odd. Due to the over-population of Morbos in their early space-history, the spirit of the planet (as we called her, the Goddess) had decided to … slow the birth rate of its inhabitants. Besides that, culture deemed it odd if you didn't at least consider both sexes. After all, who would want to limit themselves to the pleasures of just one? I suppose that is why I was always a bit … off, even on my homeworld.

But in this realization that Tori had brought upon me, I curled inside of myself once again. How could this be? How had I never thought of it before? Those eyes of flame, they had brought me into their trap, and had laid their holder bare. It was all I could ever do not to fall in love with her on the spot. And I wondered, right then, if I really had at all.

"Did I ever … really…?" I gasped as I realized I was speaking aloud. I pulled my gaze up to Tori's, feeling the serenity of her mind wrap around me like a blanket. I lost part of my fear right then, looking into her smoke-gray eyes, flecked with gold. She reached inside of me, pulling away my barriers. And in my mind, I could feel something wash away. Her presence became clear and soothing.

"Of course you did, Deseray." She said to me, choosing to speak aloud. "I'm just saying that I was surprised to see you with her."

For a moment, I think I stopped being. My heart ceased to beat inside me, my ears stopped hearing, and I couldn't take a breath. My eyes even flickered for a moment, in and out of oblivion. With her? With… what was her name again? That girl with hot coals for eyes and flame for touch? Who was she? Did I know her at all?

I shook my head slowly as reality melted back, uncertain that it wanted me at all. "Maybe I loved her…" I trailed off.

"The best way you knew how." Tori finished for me. I nodded weakly.

So tired…

"How long… until we get to Yavin?" I finally croaked. Unconsciousness was trying to claim me again.

Tori shrugged, taking another sip of her wine as she leaned back in her seat. "Another five hours at least."

I nodded. That gave us time to talk. Tori sighed, knowing what I wanted, like she always did.

She took a deep breath before speaking. "I was following you for at least a week. You and her didn't exactly keep a low profile. I was also running from Pohl's ring of smugglers. Pohl himself is an odd guy, and I'm sure you guessed at his Force abilities right away. He's self-taught, I'm guessing. Which is a good thing in one way, because of his power. If he had been caught under a Sith lord, there's no telling what he could do. He was only a big-wig to the smuggling world, and now that he's dead, he's not a threat at all. As for his ring, they do real high-class stuff, not much of the things we mess around with." She let out a dry chuckle. "Anyway, they got pissed when I took out one of their higher dealers of spice on Morbos. Apparently, they have some sort of operation there that most of the regular smugglers don't know about. I took in the shipment for the Corellian I took down, but they weren't too happy. I got to make a few high-profit deals before they got word out against me. And to the 'feds, for that matter." She laughed, her eyes sparkling blue-silver. "Corusant is a bitch. At least that hasn't changed!"

I nodded slowly, inwardly amused by her story. I took a chance at taking of sip of my beer, but the taste of it didn't settle too well, so I just held it some more. Then I asked the question that had been burning me for a long while. "Why did you leave Yavin without me?"

She paused, and the mirth faded from her face quickly. "I… didn't know what was going on. I recovered quickly, after jacking an X-wing from the hanger. Only about a day without my memories, really." Her face brightened slightly. "I'm really not sure how I got past the Republic ships, but I did. Guessing that Master that I saw had something to do with it."

I let out a shuddering breath. So she hadn't left me on purpose. Of course not, Dez. Why would you think that? I'm not sure, I just… So much has happened, and I…

"Goddess, Deseray!" Tori exclaimed before I could beat myself anymore with my big, mental stick. "I'm here now. Calm down." Tori put a comforting hand on my shoulder until I could regain my self a bit. "Now, what exactly happened to you while I was off wheeling and dealing?"

I told her of everything, from the time I woke up until the time I left Yavin. She knew the rest from word-of-mouth and the fact that she had been tracking me with the Force. When I was done, her haze-blue eyes told me to sleep. I was so tired, after all. All this talking and moving, it was wearing me down. So I took to bed for a time, until we reached the Jedi Academy. Somehow I slipped into sleep, despite the images of her behind my eyes.

***

Such liveliness! Such health! Such serenity! Oh, how I love the flow of sleep to the weary mind. As if an ocean of carelessness and forgetfulness has engulfed you, and you can do nothing but wade in it's delightful waters forever. Of course, sleep ends, and the Force reminds you then that you are not part of an ocean, nor are you in good health, nor are you in any way serene. It, in fact, tells you right out that you are a mortal trapped in a mortal body, doomed to live a mortal life where anything but life breeds in abundance.

So I awoke that morning, with the fogginess of sleep still deep-set in my mind, and realized that the hyperdrive was not humming. In fact, there was little sound around the cabin at all. I could not even hear Tori as she hummed. But I felt her, somewhere off in the sickbay/washroom/storage area to my left, so I stood.

Then I stopped, and sat back down.

Then I stood again.

And, for a moment, I was almost relieved. The dizziness and aching pain had gone from my body and mind for a time, and it was revitalizing.

For a moment.

A voice came through the air, light and boyish, like he hadn't known a care in all his life. "It's a special day, you know." It was coming from the open hatchway, where sunlight was streaming through. I crept forward carefully, suddenly weak in the knees. "Only once every five or ten years does this kind of day happen. With no gas giant, only the sun." I reached the doorway, and gazed down the ramp at the figure seated there. My heart was in my throat, and for a moment, I smelt blood.

Luke sighed. "It's like you're on a planet, instead of a moon…" His voice trailed off, becoming more laden with years and worries. "You came back." The change in tone made me flinch.

"Yes," I choked out at last. He rose from his position at the end of the ramp, and turned, ever so slowly, to face me. Not being able to meet his eyes, I leaned heavily on the hatchway. His words froze me, and I could hear the hiss of a lightsaber in his voice.

"She's dead because she went with you. I don't blame you, Deseray, but I can't say that I don't see you as innocent in this matter." He approached me, and I took a step backward. Reaching out, I thought he was going to hit me. When a light, though callused, hand brushed my cheek I was started into looking into his eyes. They were clear and cool, their blue depths portraying none of the rage that I had been sure would be there. They were, instead, steady and sad. A melancholy that can only come when a teacher looses a student, and has no one to blame for the loss. I glanced at his hand, and noticed a drop of water on the tip that had touched my cheek. When had I started crying? I closed my eyes quickly to stop the tears from flowing.

"Did you bring her back?" I sobbed harder, this time against his shoulder as he took me in his arms. "Deseray, did you bring her back?"

I shook my head, and grasped his cloak. "I'm … so s-sorry… Luke, p-please! I'm just s-so sor-ry!" Had I really been feeling well a moment ago? Had I really been sleeping peacefully for a time? How could I have, with my guilt in her death? I cried and cried, until my head felt as if it would split in two and my eyes burnt with so many tears.

"Deseray," Luke's voice cut through my sorrow. "It's not your fault. She went with you and sacrificed herself out of her own free will. You mustn't blame yourself for her death." His hands stroked my back carefully, and I could feel the Force flowing along my mind, soothing me. I hung onto my guilt and self-loathing, though, knowing that no one can or should take that away from me.

And so I sobbed dryly into his chest for a long time, letting his sooth me, but not too much. After a while, I heard him faintly speaking and Tori answering. Light, familiar hands pulled me away, and I near collapsed in Tori's arms. She sat me down at our booth-type table, draping my Jedi robe over my shoulders.

Tea? Beer? Food? No, not now. Maybe… later. Much later. Tori nodded.

I received my satchel from her absently, and in a daze, I was led out into the sunlight of Yavin 4. It must have been beautiful, but all I could see was gray.

So many days passed there. I rarely spoke, or ventured out of the room provided for me. Tori helped out around the place, and brought me my meals. She told me of the goings-on, but I didn't listen. I didn't want to feel anything anymore.

I remembered when I first awoke. It was so nice, that blanket of darkness and forgetfulness. And though not being able to recall my life, it was soothing in the way that I didn't feel any obligations towards others. I was just me, whoever 'me' was. Oh, how I longed to just forget.

I confronted Erin and Corban after a few weeks. Sad, solemn eyes wouldn't let me be for day afterwards. Their words were sweet and consoling, but I could tell how much they grieved for her. It was maddening, and at last, I couldn't take it any longer.

The ritual for paying respects was over. It was held atop the Great Temple, her favorite place to sit. Her friends got over their grief after a few months enough to live day by day. Tori liked living at the Academy. Teaching the students of the ways of the Jedi of old was amusing for her.

And I still cried myself to sleep at night.

I called out her name sometimes, catching myself before I could scream it.

I took long walks through the jungles, marveling at the light gravity and how the planet held together without that one orange-haired beauty atop it. The beauty that had destroyed itself for me.

I thought of death often. Of sharp knifes and lightsabers and blood. Of drowning and falling from great heights. I cut myself 'on accident' more than a few times, always fearing that Tori would figure out what I was trying to do, and do something to stop me.

I wanted to be stopped.

I wanted to die.

It all got to be too much. The flat, gray eyes of Erin and Corban. Tori's worried looks. Luke's constant 'friendly visits' to see if I was 'adapting' well enough.

So I made a plan. It was a quick plan, with not many variables. I just had to go on a walk to a certain part of the jungle a few kilometers away. No big deal, and nobody would suspect a thing, until it was far too late and I was at peace.

It was a nice day, mocking me with its sunshine and cloudless sky. It wasn't too humid out, just how I liked it. The planet hung low in the sky, and the sun was at about noon. The light was slanted and burning from above at the same time, giving the air an odd feeling. Truth to tell, I really didn't mind this planet too much.

My place in the jungle was about 4 kilometers east of the Great Temple. It was near one of the smaller temples, though this one in particular was forbidden. It was made entirely out of black volcanic glass, and surrounded by a lake that looked infinitely deep. Great pillars lay just below the surface of the water, so when you walked across them, it looked like you were walking on water. According to Luke, the temple had been one built especially for a great Sith Lord (whose name escapes me – I'm bad with those types of things) in the ancient days of the Republic. Had I paid attention in my early History courses when I was a padawan, I would have perhaps remembered more about him.

So, as you might expect, not much liked to grow around this place. Only thorny bushes, thick, course grass, and many a poisonous plant.

This last thing, of course, was what I was after.

There was a small, though not hard to find, weed that liked to grow around the edges of the lake. So I ventured to look for it, with its soft green leaves and thick, milk-filled stems. It seemed innocent enough, and I plucked one up while planting myself at the lake's edge. Yes, this would do nicely.

The sun was out and a slight breeze blew. I turned one of the leaves over in my hand, running my fingers along its fuzzy surface. Five more minutes and this pain would be gone. I could feel it welling inside of me again, eating me away. Soon enough and there would be nothing left for it to eat.

I sniffed the leaf, liking the earthy fragrance it had. I loved space and living on a starship, but I also loved the earth. Had I been raised on Morbos, I'm sure I would have rarely left.

Taking the leaf up to my mouth, I bit into it cleanly. Sweetness flowed over my tongue… The same tongue I had kissed her with. I chewed quickly, wanting the pain to stop. Tears came down my face, and I felt like screaming. Honey, so much honey, as I ate the rest of the plant. I swallowed.

Soon I would be dead.

It came slowly at first. Separating me from the sunlight until I was chilled in the warm air. Blackness swirled over my vision, and a rotting taste came back into my mouth as my body reacted to the deadly poison I had set inside of it. I fell backwards, trying to blink through the dimness to see the sky once more. It was gray looking, but through it all, I could trace out a single ship making its way in orbit. Just likeshe and I had done that first day when we met…

Goddess, take me now. Bile came into my mouth as I tried to throw-up, but I wouldn't let myself. Not now. Not so near the end…

My love, where did you go? How could I think that we had time together, so much time? It ended so soon, so quickly, I couldn't … I couldn't tell you how I felt! I wanted to fall in love with you, deep in love, but why did you save me? I can't go on… No! Please…

All was black, and I felt myself getting colder. Where was my angel now? Why had she left me to die…?

A scream. A voice. Then darkness claimed me, and all was silent and still.

***

Was I dead?

I wished. I wished badly that this were death.

But something tugged at my arm, and I felt the life around me. I opened my eyes to the partly lit room, and cursed the day I was born.

Deep, black eyes stared into mine. Disgust shown clearly on Tori's face, and she looked away.

"Deseray…" Was all she could choke out at first. I sighed. Damn her and her well-trained mind. She had felt my pain and seen what I was to do before I had ever set out that day. I saw that then, lying in that bed. I should have known I couldn't escape her love for me.

She looked at me again. "That's right," she said roughly. "I love you. So don't you go killing yourself before I'm ready for you to leave me." She cracked a smile at that. Galaxia lived far longer than humans, after all.

I shook my head. "I can't take the pain…"

A bark of laughter silenced me. "Stand up. You're not injured."

I complied slowly, tossing aside the blankets and standing beside her.

"Deseray," she said slowly, taking me in. Her eyes had changed to a dark rainbow of cool shades. "Why can't you accept her gift to you?" I shuddered, and looked away. How could she say that so calmly? "She gave you the gift of life, for without you, she was nothing. Can't you see that?" She chuckled softly. I shook my head.

"She only gave up herself for a person she thought could live without her, and –"

"No, Deseray!" Tori shook my shoulders lightly, though her voiced raised to a volume it rarely did outside of jest. "She loved you. Loved you! With all her being! And do you think she could have lived, knowing she could have saved you? No, of course not!" Tori sighed deeply, and I chanced a look in her eyes. Deep love shown there. The kind meant for friends and life mates. For me.

I choked on my voice. "Tori, I…"

She shook her head to silence me. Griping me fiercely, she pulled me into a hug. I hung onto her tightly as well, burying my face in her hair.

"I love you, Dez." She said softly. "And I promise you, we only need each other." I nodded slowly, knowing that within her voice I could manage to go on. That somehow, though I would never forget that beautiful girl who eyes I could have lost myself in, I could learn to live again.

And in some way or another, she had taught me how.

***

"Engines?"

"Cheak."

"NavComp?"

"Cheak."

"Planet Nav?"

"Cheak."

"Hyperdrive?"

"Cheak."

"Blasters?"

"Double cheak."

"Ridding ourselves of half-feline little boys who insist on hanging out where they aren't supposed to?"

I laughed at this last comment from Tori. Corban, sitting across from me in the co-pilot seat, had taken every chance to help us with the preparations for our departure. He whine/purred softly before bowing his head.

"Common, you heard her, Corban." I chided softly, patting him on the shoulder.

He met my eyes sadly. "You'll come back and visit, right?"

I couldn't help but smile. "Of course. Goodbye for now, though." He nodded grinning widely. Then he was gone, half-pouncing out of the cockpit and down the gangplank. Ever since Tori and I had decided to leave after four months at the Academy, Corban had been the one to spend the most time with us. Erin kept her distance, though she was not unkind. I was sure she still grieved over her friend, though, so I let her be.

At the mention of her, I sighed heavily, letting my smile fade. The pit inside of my heart still screamed at me at night, and I still cried often. I still was withdrawn and quiet compared to my normal self, but I was trying. She would want it that way.

So I warded off of the darkness for the umpteenth time that day, and ran a last systems check. Everything was in order, and we even had some new parts for the ship.

I called to Tori and she came wandering into the cabin, shutting the door behind her.

"Everything's in order." She said cheerfully, sitting down I the co-pilot's seat. We both strapped ourselves in leisurely, in no mood to hurry. I contacted the New Republic ships in orbit, and they gave us clearance for lift-off. I lifted the ship off the small, forest moon and gradually into orbit.

"Where-to this time, Dez?" Tori flashed me a grin, eyes shining a loving green to match mine.

I shrugged. "Corusant or Morbos?" She laughed.

"Naw, something different!" I headed out into open space, beyond the gas giant and mining station. She sighed. "How about Dantooine? That's a nice planet."

I shook my head. "Not in the mood for nice places today." The darkness tried again to creep up on me, and I gave part of myself into it. Just for now, I said…

"Too bad!" Tori chirped, startling me a bit.

"Huh?"

"To Dantooine!" She cried, one arm held high above her head. "There have to be at least some spice junkies in a nice place like that!" Her manic grin set me aside from where I'd been for the past four months, and I allowed myself a smile against the darkness in my heart.

"All right, then. Dantooine it is."

The stars bent around us, and for a moment, I was at home. Tori was beside me at long last, and I was at home. I sighed, casting a thought out into space for the one I still grieved for deep in my heart. The last line of the Jedi Code…

There is no death; There is the Force.

~ * ~ END ~ * ~