I only ate one breakfast this mornin'. Jus' one, an' I didn't taste a
thing. Hardly touched elevensies, an' I missed lunch all t'gether. An'
when Merry finally came aroun' askin' where I was, I jus' looked at m'feet
an' said somethin' I figure I'll regret for jus' about ever.
"Did ye find any o'th' pieces, Merry?"
I didn' mean t'say it, an' lookin' back, I wish I hadn' done it. Lord an' mercy, I wish I hadn'! Cos he knew what I was talkin' about in a cat's hair, an' tears started'n those beautiful eyes o'his. I'd cried a lot tha' morning, an' I thought I was outta tears, but when I saw him start breakin' down, I started bawlin' li' a babe, too.
"A few," he said, all quiet. He came right over t'me, lookin' li' I'd slapped'm across th' face. "I love ye li' a brother, Pip," he said, grippin' m'shoulders li' he could shake th' truth into me. "I've always felt tha' way about ye..." An' I couldn' look'm in th'face. I jus' kept on cryin', cos I couldn' help it, an' I felt li' jus' a miserable wee nub o'a hobbit again.
"I know," I said. I tried t'make'm let me go, but he wouldn't. He kept his hands on m'shoulders and shook me again, harder this time. I couldn't have gotten away if I'd fought hard's I could, seein' as he's always been stronger'n I am an' we both knew it. "I know it. Li' a brother." An' it sounded sour even t'me.
"Don't make that sound li' nothin'," he said, an' there was somethin' queer about his voice, li' maybe I'd hurt'm jus' by standin' there, lookin' up at'm. Tears started rollin' down's cheeks, an' he looked so pale an' sad tha' I stopped tryin' even a little t'get away from him, an' instead I jus' wrapped m'arms around's shoulders and held on, li' I'd fall off th' world if I were t'be lettin'm go. An' he hugged me back, jus' as hard.
An' I wish we'd jus' fallen off th' world t'gether right then, cos then Sam couldn' ha' walked in on us. But, li' I'm startin' t'learn, wishin' never does much good. Sam jus' looked at us fer wha' felt li' years an' years, an' then his own eyes filled up wi' tears an' he started fumblin' his hands li' he always does when he feels nervous or guilty.
"Pip..." he said, voice gentle li' his heart was breakin'. An' I couldn' stand t'look at'm fer much longer, so I buried m'head in Merry's shoulder. An' Merry started strokin' m'hair li' he did all th' times when we were lads t'gether an' I'd scrape a knee or ha' a bad dream, an' I'd always feel better fer it. But this time, I think I felt worse, cos I could hear Sam sayin' "sorry" over an' over above th' sound o'm'own hiccups an' sniffles.
I left Merry jus' a little after tha', wi' Sam still lookin' at me li' he wished he was dead. I didn't say anythin' else, an' I didn't want Merry t'say anythin', neither. Cos even though I was right when I guessed at where he went, I didn' ha' any idea what it'd really be li' t'hear'm tell it to me. I love'm, an' nothin' li' brothers or cousins're s'posed t'love each other. I love'm more than a brother, li' nothin' means anythin' when he's not a part of it.
I wish I could go fall off th' world, no' wi' anybody, but jus' by m'own self. Cos wi' me here, Sam won't go near Merry. No' after seein' us cryin' there this afternoon. I know it; I saw it in Sam's eyes.
But wishes aside, I might's well go fallin' out o'Rivendell, at th' very least. Merry doesn't need me anymore, an' he's only got Sam when I'm no' there. He's tryin' t'stay away, an' tearin'mself up about it all every time he looks at me or Merry, I bet. So I hafta be gone, or Merry doesn' have anythin'.
If Merry won't love me... If he can't love me li' anythin' more than a brother, then Sam deserves his chance. I might 's well leave; I'm not good for anythin' here, anyway. I'm a fool, an' jus' another problem fer Strider an' Gandalf an' Frodo t'worry about. If I were brave'nuff, I'd walk home by m'self startin' right now. Get Ela t'write'm a note about where I went -- she's th'only elf here I know well'nuff t'no' go blabbin' t'Merry soon's I left her alone fer half a second. She's jus' a servant, but she's got book learnin'. She'd do it fer me, I'm bettin'.
But as much as I've been thinkin' about th' idea, I know I can't do it. I don't want t'be apart from Merry an' Sam an' Frodo an' everybody else, even if it's li' I'm skinnin' m'knees all over m'body every time I think about those two together. Cos I do love Sam li' a brother, an' seein'm there, teary-eyed, an' Merry cryin' an' everythin', made me wish I didn' ha' a heart anymore.
I don' know which o'em it was who left th' piece o'broken bowl on m'pillow after dinner. I was out by th' lake, skippin' rocks again. Watchin' th' stars in th' water.
I love ye li' a brother... I wish I could get his voice outta m'head, tha' an' th' sight o'his eyes all wet an' full o'pain, his an' Sam's both. I hate what I'm doin' t'th' both o'them. Hate it more'n I've ever hated anythin' before, ever.
I missed dinner, too. I can't look any o'th' food here in th' eye anymore. An' I guess it makes sense. I'm losin' ever'thing -- m'cousin an' one o'm'best friends -- all at once, so why shouldn't I go losin' my appetite, too?
--Peregrin Took
"Did ye find any o'th' pieces, Merry?"
I didn' mean t'say it, an' lookin' back, I wish I hadn' done it. Lord an' mercy, I wish I hadn'! Cos he knew what I was talkin' about in a cat's hair, an' tears started'n those beautiful eyes o'his. I'd cried a lot tha' morning, an' I thought I was outta tears, but when I saw him start breakin' down, I started bawlin' li' a babe, too.
"A few," he said, all quiet. He came right over t'me, lookin' li' I'd slapped'm across th' face. "I love ye li' a brother, Pip," he said, grippin' m'shoulders li' he could shake th' truth into me. "I've always felt tha' way about ye..." An' I couldn' look'm in th'face. I jus' kept on cryin', cos I couldn' help it, an' I felt li' jus' a miserable wee nub o'a hobbit again.
"I know," I said. I tried t'make'm let me go, but he wouldn't. He kept his hands on m'shoulders and shook me again, harder this time. I couldn't have gotten away if I'd fought hard's I could, seein' as he's always been stronger'n I am an' we both knew it. "I know it. Li' a brother." An' it sounded sour even t'me.
"Don't make that sound li' nothin'," he said, an' there was somethin' queer about his voice, li' maybe I'd hurt'm jus' by standin' there, lookin' up at'm. Tears started rollin' down's cheeks, an' he looked so pale an' sad tha' I stopped tryin' even a little t'get away from him, an' instead I jus' wrapped m'arms around's shoulders and held on, li' I'd fall off th' world if I were t'be lettin'm go. An' he hugged me back, jus' as hard.
An' I wish we'd jus' fallen off th' world t'gether right then, cos then Sam couldn' ha' walked in on us. But, li' I'm startin' t'learn, wishin' never does much good. Sam jus' looked at us fer wha' felt li' years an' years, an' then his own eyes filled up wi' tears an' he started fumblin' his hands li' he always does when he feels nervous or guilty.
"Pip..." he said, voice gentle li' his heart was breakin'. An' I couldn' stand t'look at'm fer much longer, so I buried m'head in Merry's shoulder. An' Merry started strokin' m'hair li' he did all th' times when we were lads t'gether an' I'd scrape a knee or ha' a bad dream, an' I'd always feel better fer it. But this time, I think I felt worse, cos I could hear Sam sayin' "sorry" over an' over above th' sound o'm'own hiccups an' sniffles.
I left Merry jus' a little after tha', wi' Sam still lookin' at me li' he wished he was dead. I didn't say anythin' else, an' I didn't want Merry t'say anythin', neither. Cos even though I was right when I guessed at where he went, I didn' ha' any idea what it'd really be li' t'hear'm tell it to me. I love'm, an' nothin' li' brothers or cousins're s'posed t'love each other. I love'm more than a brother, li' nothin' means anythin' when he's not a part of it.
I wish I could go fall off th' world, no' wi' anybody, but jus' by m'own self. Cos wi' me here, Sam won't go near Merry. No' after seein' us cryin' there this afternoon. I know it; I saw it in Sam's eyes.
But wishes aside, I might's well go fallin' out o'Rivendell, at th' very least. Merry doesn't need me anymore, an' he's only got Sam when I'm no' there. He's tryin' t'stay away, an' tearin'mself up about it all every time he looks at me or Merry, I bet. So I hafta be gone, or Merry doesn' have anythin'.
If Merry won't love me... If he can't love me li' anythin' more than a brother, then Sam deserves his chance. I might 's well leave; I'm not good for anythin' here, anyway. I'm a fool, an' jus' another problem fer Strider an' Gandalf an' Frodo t'worry about. If I were brave'nuff, I'd walk home by m'self startin' right now. Get Ela t'write'm a note about where I went -- she's th'only elf here I know well'nuff t'no' go blabbin' t'Merry soon's I left her alone fer half a second. She's jus' a servant, but she's got book learnin'. She'd do it fer me, I'm bettin'.
But as much as I've been thinkin' about th' idea, I know I can't do it. I don't want t'be apart from Merry an' Sam an' Frodo an' everybody else, even if it's li' I'm skinnin' m'knees all over m'body every time I think about those two together. Cos I do love Sam li' a brother, an' seein'm there, teary-eyed, an' Merry cryin' an' everythin', made me wish I didn' ha' a heart anymore.
I don' know which o'em it was who left th' piece o'broken bowl on m'pillow after dinner. I was out by th' lake, skippin' rocks again. Watchin' th' stars in th' water.
I love ye li' a brother... I wish I could get his voice outta m'head, tha' an' th' sight o'his eyes all wet an' full o'pain, his an' Sam's both. I hate what I'm doin' t'th' both o'them. Hate it more'n I've ever hated anythin' before, ever.
I missed dinner, too. I can't look any o'th' food here in th' eye anymore. An' I guess it makes sense. I'm losin' ever'thing -- m'cousin an' one o'm'best friends -- all at once, so why shouldn't I go losin' my appetite, too?
--Peregrin Took