Taunting Elves

Disclaimer: Hey… I found out something very interesting! It turns out, looking in the long line of my family's heritage- I am now the sole owner of the word 'May!' YES! Next time you say, 'this may be true'… you have to ask me permission! HAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!!


Or… no… I'll just let you use it whenever you want. Out of the goodness of my heart.

Anyway, besides the word 'may' and a pile of ash in the basement of the Disease Control Center, I own nothing!

((Warning: Contains major spoilers for the next two books, mainly because Legolas got his hands on a copy. If you haven't read the books yet, you might want to skip this chapter- it'll be explained in the next.))

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'I knew I should've signed up for Sauron-sponge-bath duty,' An unhappy Orc thought as Aragorn sliced off his head.

"This is all your fault!" Aragorn shouted at Glorfindel, who had take to the trees and shooting at Orcs from their foliage.

"My fault?" Glorfindel spluttered. "How is this MY fault?"

"It was your stupid song!" Boromir exclaimed, cutting off the legs of a nearby Orc.

Despite the fact that Orcs surrounded the mini-Fellowship, they really seemed more concerned with yelling at their newly acquired Elf.

"My STUPID song?" Glorfindel repeated, sounding very annoyed. "I seem to recall you all singing along with me!"

"But we wouldn't have been singing if you hadn't brought it up!" Aragorn exclaimed, disemboweling an approaching Orc with unusually scaly skin.

"Sure, whatever, blame the Elf." Glorfindel muttered.

Frodo and Sam traded glances. "Let's just… go." Sam suggested.


Frodo shrugged. "Sounds good to me."

The two Hobbits walked calmly away.

"Bye, Gimli." Sam said, as they walked past the Dwarf, who was experimenting with new and exciting ax-usage.

"Bye, Hobbits! Be careful out there!" Gimli called.

They walked down the path.

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Legolas was not too pleased with the two Hobbits he was leading to save the world. "Come on, little Hobbits!" He exclaimed. "We've only gotten… oh… fifteen leagues in by now! If you think that's acceptable for a one-day run, you're dead wrong!"

Merry and Pippin stumbled up behind Legolas. "My feet are bleeding…" Pippin gasped, and collapsed on the ground.

Merry sat down. "Can't we rest for tonight? Please?" He begged. "And maybe get some water?"

"Ooooh, I suppose you'd rather be abducted by Orcs, would you?" Legolas asked sarcastically. "And carried on their backs on the way to a violent battle in which they're all killed and you end up talking to giant trees and smoking pipeweed underneath a huge tower, do you?"

Merry and Pippin traded glances, before finally saying, "Well… the pipeweed part, yeah…" Pippin offered.

"It sounds like he's been talking to a few trees as well…" Merry muttered.


"I heard that, fool of a Took." Legolas said darkly.

"I'M the fool of a Took!" Pippin protested.

Legolas blinked, and looked at the two again. "Oh yeah, sorry. I can never tell you two apart."

Merry and Pippin glowered at the Elf. Legolas's eyes widened. "Well, SORRY!"

"Okay…" Merry began, figuring they had best steer this conversation somewhere else, "Why, exactly, do you think that we have to save the Universe?"

Legolas stared at them for a long while.


Merry began to get uncomfortable. "Okay… so that answer is obvious. But what particular portions of it are we going to concentrate on saving."

"Mainly the gray parts." Legolas said.

"Uhm… alright…" Merry said. He paused for a long while. "How're we going to… you know… do that?"

"By killing everything else?" Pippin suggested brightly.

"That sounds good to me." Legolas said, nodding his head vigorously.

Merry stared at the 'brain trust' forming in front of him. "Did… uh… Boromir hit you over the head or anything, Legolas?" He asked.

"Nope." Legolas said, with all the confidence of a huge rhino about to run an ant hill into the ground. "Though I DID throw a pinecone at him."


"Yes… well… okay…" Merry said slowly. "It's just that… Pippin and I… we're not so sure about this 'saving the universe' thing…"

"I don't know about you, Merry, but I'm dead set on making a difference in the world!" Pippin exclaimed, and broke into maniacal laughter.

Merry looked horrified. "Not you too!" He paused. "Excuse me." And walked over to hide in the bushes for awhile.

Out by the road, Legolas and Pippin continued to discuss saving the Universe.

Merry investigated the small neon orange button they had stolen from Boromir. "Now… this MUST have something to do with the way things are going right now…" He thought to himself. He turned it over and peered at it. He hit it up against a tree. He stomped on it. He bit it.

A small orange pixie appeared from the little button. "Do you MIND?" She asked, severely peeved.

"Uh… sorry?" Merry offered.

"You'd better be! Now, what do you want, and where's my hunka-hunka-burnin'-man?" The Pixie asked, peering around Merry's shoulder.

"Boromir?" Was all Merry could say.

"YES, Boromir." The pixie said in annoyance.

"Well… he's not here right now. What do you do?" Merry asked.

The pixie looked incredibly upset, but decided to answer Merry. "I make everyone insane that's around me. Duh."

"So… why did Boromir have you in his pack?" Merry asked.

"So that everyone else would be insane and he wouldn't?" The pixie suggested, yawning.

"But… Boromir DID go insane… and none of the insaneness started until Legolas got hit on the head… and Pippin and I knew what we were looking for when we searched through Boromir's pack, and we still picked up you instead…" Merry began.

"Ssh!" The pixie exclaimed frantically. "Keep that up, and you'll close one of the plot holes! We pixies NEED THEM TO SURVIVE!"

"Plot holes?" Merry asked in confusion.

"Yes, plot holes, you stupid ugly smelly hairy Hobbit!" The pixie exclaimed. "Now… eeeeee!"

The pixie went flying into a nearby hole in the ground.

Merry peered into the dark hole, which slowly began to close. "THAT'S a plot hole! He exclaimed cheerfully, and walked out to join Legolas and Pippin.

Much to his dismay, they were still talking crazy-like.

"Perhaps I should have asked the Pixie to reverse her spell first…" He thought.

"Come on, Merry!" Pippin exclaimed, running over and tugging on his cousin's arm. "We have to go save the universe now!"

Legolas and Pippin ran off. With a deep sigh, Merry followed them.

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Oboebyrd: The last half probably evidence of why you should never write when in pain…