Can't Let You Go

by saturn de wicked

UPDATED - new part focuses on the Raiha and Mikagami relationship. Has sexual implications, but it's so mild, you'll miss it if you blink. Does not require a change in rating :)

2. Part Two

Can't Let You Go

PART TWO

"MIKAGAMI!!!" Raiha shouted.

His roommate, limp on the floor, opened an eye. No recognition lit in those blue foggy depths. The eye closed again, and the white lips moved feebly. Raiha knelt down by his side. His bare knees were soaking in blood before long and Raiha spared a second to look at the deep gash in Mikagami's right wrist. The blood was still spurting out fast, and his roommate was becoming paler by the second.

Raiha ran back into the room, seeking something that can be used for tying. He threw open Mikagami's wardrobe and grabbed a shirt, cursing his own inattentiveness. The smell of blood was so strong in the room, Raiha felt repulsed. In his life, he had witnessed and caused much more bloodshed in comparison, but there was something strange about the whole situation that made the ninja's guts twist.

That look… that look on his face… Raiha felt the hairs on the back of his neck standing up. It was unusual, that someone could make him feel that uneasy. He sped back into the bathroom again and knelt beside Mikagami. The pool of blood around him was growing wider, stretching its boundaries as the still body fed even more of the red liquid. Raiha quickly tied the shirt tightly around Mikagami's right forearm, to keep back the blood as much as he could. Then he raised the arm and pinned it vertically to the wall. The elevation could help at least a little. He hoped.

With his other hand, Raiha gently slapped Mikagami's pale cheeks, which were whiter than usual. There was not even a twitch. He was motionless, as if he was already dead. Raiha grimaced at the thought. Judging by the amount of blood, he should be still conscious… the blood loss is still inadequate to knock him out cold.

Raiha's slaps became more insistent. After a few seconds, Mikagami opened an eye again, and his lips moved. Raiha, encouraged, pushed the pale locks away with his fingers and whispered, "Come on, open you eyes, don't sleep… I'm going to call the ambulance now…"

Eyes unfocused, Mikagami moved his lips again. Raiha leaned closer. "What are you trying to tell me?"

A few quivering breaths. Raiha leaned even closer. The zoned out eyes lit up in… Happiness? Raiha frowned, concerned. What is it that made him… He looked at the blood around him.

"Ne… n-neesan…?" Mikagami smiled weakly, angels in his eyes.

Raiha's felt chill running down his back. Mifuyu… again?

"A-are you… are… you… are y-you th-there… nee… san…?" the hoarse voice managed to choke out. The smile grew wider.

Raiha touched the white face softly. "Hang on, pal, I'll call the ambulance now…"

He got up and ran back into the room, in search of Mikagami's hand phone. His stomach was in chaos; the innocence deep in the recesses of Mikagami's eyes, behind all the scars and pain, was terrifying - he felt like retching. The look in his eyes were all the seven years of hopes and longing, and Raiha had found himself pinned by the arrows pain. From just one look, Raiha's insides quivered. Mikagami's eyes told him he had seen the one flicker of light in the darkness, for the first time in seven long years.

At that moment, the moment when their eyes met, Raiha thought he had seen right through Mikagami's heart, seen the perpetual black, the dreams of happiness that were never welcomed but always there, seen the scars that were inflicted, engraved, on him… one by one, endlessly, slowly…

But what his eyes failed to notice… was Mikagami's outstretched hand behind him, and the hurt in the blue eyes that never left his back.

---

Mikagami opened his eyes. He was in a white room. Again. He closed his eyes back in resignation. Don't tell me I've picked another fight with those bullies again… He sighed. I'm outnumbered, outsized and out-aged, and they still pile all the blame on me. It's not as if I am the one picking the fights… just because THEY'RE injured, I'M the bad guy… not my fault they're that lousy…

He wondered what sort of trouble he would get into this time. Most of the boys hated him for his good looks and weird hair color, and constantly picked on him. Beauty is a sin… Mikagami thought cynically.

He tried to swing his legs off the bed but found he could not. Surprised, he frowned and tried to sit up but found he could not too. His whole body felt limp and tired, Mikagami noticed for the first time, like the non-Duracell rabbit that had run out of batteries.

Damn… now I don't even have the strength to run away… He gave up and relaxed into the soft bed. Weird. It felt nicer than the one in the infirmary. Then, out of the corner of his eye, he saw something that made him frown in confusion. What's that drip hanging there for?

He turned his head, and followed the tube of the drip down… down to… his arm. Oh shit oh shit oh shit, what have I done?? Those bastards CAN'T beat me up this badly… since WHEN did I get into a fight, anyway? How come I don't remember at all?!

The door opened, and someone stepped in. Mikagami strained his neck to see who his visitor was. Please, not neesan… she'll kill me…

But it was. Mikagami groaned, and covered his eyes with his non-attached forearm. Strange. His voice was deeper than usual… Internal injuries now… sheesh, the nightmare never ends…

As the brown-haired young woman stepped forward towards him, she noticed he was awake. She smiled, and said, "You are awa-"

"I'm sorry, neesan… I don't know HOW THE HELL I got into this situation… I'm really sorry… I promise you, I will try to be better from now on, I really will. I know I'm a big burden to you, but it's not ME who picks the fight. It's always the other boys… I'm sorry…" Mikagami blurted out.

He moved a finger to peek at his sister. "Please don't be angry…"

She looked clueless, eyes wide, staring at him. Mikagami squeezed his eyes shut. Damn… now she can't even get a word out… she must be real mad… "You can scold me all you want…" Mikagami finally said meekly, breaking the silence.

"I… Mikagami-sempai…? I'm sorry… I think… I'll leave you to rest now… I'm not… her… I'm not your sister," Yanagi bit her lips, and bowed her head low, feeling like she had committed a sin. Whatever her friend had just said was obviously not meant to be for her.

Mikagami blinked. "Neesan? What are you talking about?"

Then all came back to him.

"Run, Tokiya… run…"

A deep still settled in him, weighing down everything. Mikagami closed his eyes tightly, and covered his face with a sweaty hand. "Damn… damn…"

Yanagi held her hands tightly together, feeling guilty, like all of Mikagami's misery was caused by her, her presence. Her eyes felt like they were burning. "I'm sorry… sempai…"

Mikagami sank back into the bed, feeling flat. He smiled emptily, then chuckled. "Why sorry? Why to me?"

"She must have meant a lot to you…" Yanagi whispered, not knowing what else to say.

"Everything. She was everything," Mikagami deadpanned. He opened his eyes and looked and the bandages on his right wrist. "Who brought me here?"

"Raiha… Raiha-san."

"Meddling bastard…" Mikagami muttered tiredly. "Please leave me alone for a while, Yanagi-chan… Please."

"But… Mikagami-sempai… why did you… please tell me. I only want to help…" she was nearly in tears. "Why didn't you come to us? We're your friends, aren't we?"

Mikagami sighed. The silence hung for a long while, before Mikagami spoke again. "Please… just leave me alone. And don't cry, Yanagi-chan. Don't cry…"

Yanagi tried to control the tears that kept flowing out. Then she bowed and nearly ran out of the room. Mikagami watched her distress, and still stared at the door that swung to a stop, still staring… long, long after she was gone.

It was much later, when he suddenly felt tired, that he closed his eyes. "Neesan…"

The eyes opened again, against his will. It drifted to the drip on the stand by his bedside. Then it wandered to the needle in his arm. He moved his hand, the one bandaged, and removed the sharp metal forcefully. It did not hurt. Nor did the wound on his wrist. He only felt tired. Tired of everything.

He held the needle up and stared at it in fascination. Then, be brought it down, and slashed his left wrist.

Once.

Twice.

Again and again.

His eyes zoned in and focused only on the destroying of his own body, with a determination bordering on obsession. He could feel the warm blood on his face, spurt after spurt, as he continued lashing at his already torn and bloody wrist. Warm blood, like seven years ago. But now, he did not care, did not feel the terror he once experienced, because there was nothing left to lose.

---

The Hokage and Raiha congregated in the corridor outside the sword wielder's ward. Recca put an arm around his princess, trying to sooth her sobs. Stupid ice block, I'm going to make him pay for making hime cry…

Yanagi had called up the rest of Hokage after she fled the room. It had been two days after Mikagami was admitted, with enough loss of blood for him to enter a short-term coma. Yanagi had been terrified, but the doctor had assured the team that he would wake within one week. Apparently, the Ensui master did not need that long.

Fuuko was silent, as she watched Kagerou move forward to comfort Yanagi too. It was one of the times when she felt that her anger towards someone was incorrect, wrong. It made her guilty, somehow, that she was still angry with a man who had just tried to end his own life. But again, that gave her double reason to be furious. Stupid fool… what was he thinking about? Just cutting himself up like that, without any reason… and what did he say about wanting to protect Yanagi from Kurei? That psycho is still running free out there and he, the forever brilliant, decides to just chop his hand up. Baka!

She was sure Domon shared her own feelings, because his expression was one of anger rather than worry. Koganei, she was not so sure about. The young kid sat on one of the pale green seats, brooding, eyes blank. Fuuko's eyes drifted to the bandanna on his wrist. He too, had been one who had once chosen to forgo his own life. Fuuko scowled unconsciously. Were her friends pathetic or was the world too harsh with them?

She frowned, shocked at her own thoughts. Fuuko Kirisawa, since when have you turned into this heartless freak…?

Raiha put a hand on her shoulders. She turned to look at him. He gave her a little smile, which Fuuko returned. What she thought earlier as a teenage infatuation had obviously turned into something more, something a LOT more. She was in denial, not sure how she should deal with her own heart, because the inevitable would come a day and the two would have to fight. And common sense told Fuuko that Raiha would choose to follow Kurei over her.

So why am I even feeling this anyway? This is just plain pointless! Fuuko looked at the hand on her shoulders, and placed her own hand over it. Raiha tugged at her arm slightly, and whispered, "Can we go somewhere else? I want to talk."

Fuuko nodded, and followed him into out into the lobby. Raiha gestured for his… friend to take a seat. Fuuko flopped down on the rough cushioned seat mutely. Raiha just sat beside her, as she brooded over the events of the past few days. "Do you know why he tried to kill himself?"

Raiha leaned back onto the cushion, and murmured, "I think it's because of his sister…"

Fuuko glanced at him out of the corner of her eye. "You've told me that before. But why? How can you tell?"

"That's partly the reason why I want to talk to you. I don't know who else to turn to… I… when I found him… he was… in this delusional state, I think. He thought I was his sister, and there's this… look on his face. It's scary… the kind of happiness he can find at the brink of life and death… He was happy, Fuuko. And the level of it is enough to make me wonder whether I should have saved him." Raiha buried his face in his hands.

Fuuko opened her mouth to say something, then shut it again, finding no words on her tongue. Finally, she asked, "But why? It's been seven years… and he still can't get over the incident? Surely no love or hatred can be that great? And as strong as to force him into suicide?"

"I don't know, Fuuko-san… I think it's an obsession, this love for his sister…"

Fuuko bit her lips, at the same time, trying to bite back the resentment she still harbored towards the first man who had slapped her in her life. She was a generous one, and rarely remembered people for the wrongs they had done to her. She contemplated on the idea of an apology, because she felt like she was committing a sin, being angry with someone who had just nearly died. "Have you noticed anything strange with him lately? Since you're staying with him…"

"Nothing much… he ignores me most of the time. But one thing strange is that he doesn't sleep."

"What do you mean?"

"At first, I thought he was afraid I would attack him in his sleep or something, but then every night, and I mean absolutely every night, I'll wake up to find him staring at the ceiling. His eyes will be all blank, and it's creepy sometimes." Raiha rested his head on his palm, and sighed.

Fuuko's eyes narrowed. "You mean… he hasn't slept since you moved in, maybe even longer?"

"I don't know… I don't know…"

Fuuko ran her hand through her hair in frustration. "I just want to know just what forced him to end his own life… From what I know, he can't be that stupid. He must know there are other ways out…"

"As I told you, he was in a delusional state when I found him. His mind seemed to have gone back to when he was still a child. And from what Yanagi-san said, he acted that way when he first saw her too, just now. I think his love for his sister is that great, enough to force his mind back to the past, and let himself make believe that she is not yet dead…" Raiha looked at the frown that marred Fuuko's face. "Serious, isn't it?"

Fuuko nodded slowly. "From now on, we'll just have to get him to open up more… talk. Or else his screw will fall loose again… and someone's better be by his side all the time, to make sure he doesn't try any more tricks on himself."

Silence followed for a long while, as both got absorbed in their own thoughts.

Finally, Raiha looked at his watch and heaved a deep breath. "Wow, it's been so long… Yanagi-san should have calmed down by now… I wonder if she'll go in again. She seems to be the one Mikagami is most attached to…"

Fuuko stood up. "Let's go back."

Raiha nodded, and led them back to outside Mikagami's ward. Heads turned their way as they walked up. All of them were there, meaning no one had dared to go in yet. Just as Fuuko was about to tap on Yanagi's hunched shoulders, Raiha suddenly felt a surge of… something, and he caught her hand as it reached. Fuuko looked at him questioningly. Raiha smiled and brushed her long bangs away from her worry-creased face. "I'll go… I want to talk to him…"

Fuuko was surprised, but nodded and moved out of his way. The whole corridor was thick with silence, only broken one in a while by the clatter of moving beds and trays. Raiha searched each of the Hokage's faces, looking for disapproval. There were only silent agreement and resignation.

Raiha made to take a step towards the ward which everyone unconsciously tried to avoid, verbally or physically. Fuuko, on impulse, took hold of his hand and gave it a small squeeze. Raiha looked at the entwined fingers in surprise, then raised his eyes to meet Fuuko's. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes, closing out the edgy feeling. Raiha squeezed her hand in return, then let go.

He felt bad that he had a blissful feel somewhere deep inside him, when he was about to comfort someone who was as desperate as to commit suicide. He pushed open the creamy door and stepped in.

And froze.

"DOCTOR!!!" he screamed, and dashed out of the room again, disappearing down the corridor, leaving the door to crash shut behind him. Fuuko took a step in his direction, frowning in puzzlement. Then something clenched in her heart, and the terror started to manifest.

"What's he doing?" Recca muttered, scowling at no one in particular. There were murmurs of agreement from the rest. Fuuko tensed, like bracing herself for an attack. She pushed open the door.

The Hokage stared.

At the bloody red sheets and the unconscious figure.

Yanagi fainted.

---

Raiha stepped into the white room. The person on the bed had not moved much since his last visit. Raiha set his basket of fruits down on the table. It was stupid, he knew, to bring food to someone who could not even open an eyelid. But it was the colors of them that made the room seem less dead, because its occupant did not provide the 'life' factor at all.

Raiha sat down on the white chair by the bedside. It had been more than a week already, from the time when he had found Mikagami at his second attempt to end his own life. Raiha could not blame himself more, for leaving a suicidal man unguarded. It was the highest achievement of stupidity…

Raiha took a deep breath and started to talk. To no one, but the unhearing man in front of him. "You know, it's been so lonely these few days… I didn't know your silence contributed so much to the sense of… presence, in our room. The hostel is so empty, every night I return… The news of you flew around the school like someone has specially delivered official announcement letters," Raiha smiled. "All the girls are now crying and brandishing white handkerchiefs everywhere, and guess what, you're pretty much missed by the boys too. Wonder what that means… Recca-san, Fuuko-san, Yanagi-san and Domon-san all take turn to guard you, you know. They pose themselves at the door; you don't understand, do you? All of them love you, love the quiet ice man in their team. Your fans, they are all clamoring to be let in… Fuuko just told them to leave their erm… condolences… But you mustn't be angry with her. She's like that…"

Mikagami did not move, did not hear. Raiha looked at him dolefully, then sighed. "Why did you do this again…? You were covered in blood when I found you, looking worse than before. You've already lost so much blood, and this time…" Raiha sighed again. "Then almost had to put you in the ICU. You know, the needle broke inside your wrist. It looked so grotesque… you minced your beautiful hand…"

No response. Raiha was not expecting any, but the hollow feeling inside him increased. He wrenched his eyes away from the deathly pale figure on the bed, unable to watch anymore. Unable to compare him with the Mikagami with wits that could bite, with the smirk that could kill. Incomprehensible anger surged.

He stood up, and gave Mikagami a baleful look. Bitterly, he stated, "You made Yanagi-san cry, Mikagami. You made her cry."

Then the door clicked shut. He was gone.

Dead blue eyes opened.

The world was still turning, he was still alive, Mifuyu was still not there.

---

The next day

Raiha walked down the now-familiar corridor, and opened the cream-colored door. He stepped inside softly, and pulled aside the bedside curtain.

The needle of the drip hung suspended from the transparent tube. The sheets were thrown off and crumpled.

Mikagami was not there.

Raiha dropped the bunch of flowers in his hands, on the cold and empty bed, and ran out.

---

When the wild search for the missing patient ended, it was already late into the night. The Hokage combed the all their usual hangouts and where Mikagami was likely to go, even the National Library. Ganko was left at home, tuning in to the news channel, keeping an ear out for news of… deranged madman or… violent suicide accidents. Fuuko's mother accompanied the frightened little girl.

Raiha trudged down the corridor leading to his hostel room, and pushed in the key. He turned, but heard no click. The lock was not in place. Someone had been there before.

Raiha could have smashed his head against the wall. Of all places they had searched, the hostel had not been checked even once. Raiha pushed the door open and stepped in quietly. He walked softly to the figure on the bed. There was no blood this time.

He was sure his presence was felt, but there was no response.

"Mikagami-san."

He did not move. Raiha's eyes moved to the framed picture by the boy's head, which he was gazing at. The blue eyes were dead, and nothing, not even sadness remained. Raiha kneeled down by the bedside, and took away the picture slowly. Pale hands reached out and clutched at the chipped clay; Raiha did not move his hand. Mikagami's eyes fixed themselves intensely on the photo, but he did not speak.

The object was held in midair for minutes, Mikagami clinging, Raiha not pulling it out of his grasp. Then the latter let go. Mikagami clutched the photo to his chest, and dropped back onto the bed, murmuring soft words to the ink in the picture, to the image of a girl who died more than half a decade ago.

Raiha felt the rage creep up him.

He took the young man's shoulders and hauled him up from the bed, and hopefully from the dark recesses of his mind. Mikagami's head lolled limply to the side, his eyes still gazing adoringly and sadly at the memory of his sister.

Raiha studied his roommate's eyes with rare anger. Then without another word, he threw the uncaring youth back onto the bed, not very gently, utterly disgusted.

He picked up the phone to inform the rest.

---

After Raiha had managed to convince the Hokage that Mikagami was fine, and there was no need to storm his place, Raiha sat himself down on his own bed, and prepared himself to stay awake for the night, to guard the half-gone friend. Mikagami did not take any notice of him, did not even move. They stayed like that, the ninja sitting at attention, the swordsman curled up in bed, for a long silent siege.

Quiet.

Crickets singing.

A door slammed.

Crickets stopped singing

Quiet.

Then finally, piercing through the thick tension, was the first light of dawn.

"You don't need to guard me like that." The voice was hoarse.

Raiha did not reply immediately. He continued gazing at the motionless form like how he had done for the past few hours, with emotionless eyes, like he was possessed by the Raijin.

"I won't try anything else."

No response.

More silence.

The time went by.

Tick.

Tock.

Tick.

Tock.

There was a rhythm somewhere.

Then Raiha got up and went into the bathroom. "You can talk to me if you want."

A slow smile spread across Mikagami's pale face, then it died, and became as cold as his eyes. "What do you know…? What do you know, Raiha?"

"Not enough, but I can learn," came the voice from inside the bathroom.

"Learn… some things are not meant to be learnt. You have to feel." The smile flickered again.

"Maybe that's why you're going mad."

"Maybe. A madman doesn't know what draws the line between sanity and madness, and thus I don't."

"Why do you torture yourself like that? Self-pity? Being a martyr? Do you really think you miss and love your sister that much?" Raiha opened the bathroom door, but he did not step out. He crossed his arms and leaned against the doorframe. "Fool."

"So you say. I admit." Mikagami chuckled. "But this self-deception is just a way to console myself; it's ironic. By normal humane standards I should have gotten over my rage and grief long ago. Everyone has a point where they start anew…"

"And I think you don't want to. You make yourself believe you don't want to."

"Yeah, I don't want to." A pause. "You've seen the book I've been carrying around? Seen that elegy? That's what I want to do, move round and round in a circle, in the memories. Because I'm afraid that when I tear myself away, I'll forget this rage and love. And then, there'll be nothing left in my life, like there is nothing now."

"So Meguri is dead and you still hate him…" Raiha murmured, low voice hinting sadness.

Mikagami laughed, and shook his head. "There, I said you won't understand. Run along now, you've school to attend."

Raiha did not move. "Why didn't you try to kill yourself again? I was beginning to think you found it fun. Why not try it again, until you succeed?" His voice was dry, bordering on scorn. "After all, besides the wrists, there is always the neck."

Mikagami rolled onto his back, and fixed his eyes on the never changing white ceiling.

"I don't want Yanagi to cry."

I don't want to see Mifuyu cry.

---

Later in the day, the Hokage met up with Raiha, and he informed them of Mikagami's condition. Recca announced that he was taking Domon and Yanagi along to visit him. Raiha took it as concern, though the flame master looked more like he was about to skin and carve someone.

Fuuko and Raiha were left, and Fuuko sighed, starting to walk towards home. She felt a little more comforted when the ninja caught up with her, and started making conversation. They talked while they walked, walked and talked, and Fuuko found herself slowing down her pace, trying to prolong the journey back. She would have scorned the act, long ago, seeing it as nothing more than something out of ordinary giggly schoolgirls. She was thoroughly disgusted with herself.

However, her footsteps were still slowing down.

There was comfortable silence between them, until- "WHACK!!" Raiha slapped his fist into his other palm. Fuuko jumped.

"What?"

Raiha turned to her and beamed goofily. "Are you in a hurry to get home?"

"No," Fuuko shrugged. Not at ALL…

"One of the girls in my class told me there's a theme park nearby…"

You mean a horde of them clinging onto your leg and trying to date you, Fuuko thought dryly, while letting a little smile flit across her face. "Yeah, I've heard about it too." In fact, it's been there since when I was thirteen.

"So…" Raiha took her hand. "Wanna go?"

She shrugged again, and grinned. "Why not?" Why not ask earlier?

"Right, it's just a little way off. I'll lead the way."

Raiha gave her hand a little tug, indicating for her to follow. Fuuko fell in step beside him, recalling some time back when she had flat out rejected Domon when he asked her along to an amusement park. "Pah! Forget it, Domon. Compared to this, I'm more interested in the race course."

Yeah, right.

---

The door to the hostel room was flung open and Recca sauntered in, hands in his pocket. Yanagi followed him, her head bowed. Domon, right at the back, craned his neck to try to get a glimpse of the still shape on the bed. Yanagi's heartbeat quickened, suddenly fearing that Raiha had been wrong and Mikagami still had every intention to make himself dead.

But as she approached her senior, she saw that he was all right, still breathing. He did not turn to look at them, nor did he acknowledge their presence in any other ways. His head was turned to the wall, and the blanket had been untidily drawn up to wrap around his whole body, like a cocoon. Recca stood by the bedside and just looked, Domon beside him. A vein popped out on his cheek. He gave the bed a kick. "Hey, getup! Oi! Do you know how worried hime was when she found out you were missing from the hospital? Did you know we searched all over the city for you? Hey! Say something!" Recca gave the bed another violent kick. "Do you know while you were lying here comfortably like a good-for-nothing pig, hime has been crying?"

Yanagi pulled Recca back frantically. "Don't, Recca-kun… don't scold him anymore. Please…"

Recca gave the unresponsive lump a baleful glare. Yanagi gestured for them two to wait outside for a moment. "I want to talk to Mikagami-sempai alone, please."

When the two left to stand outside the room, Yanagi knelt down beside the bed and smiled apologetically, at the unseeing back, not knowing what else to do. "I'm sorry, sempai. Recca-kun isn't half as angry as he seems… Do you know he's very concerned and worried about you? All of us are… you don't know, do you? You think you're still alone, don't you?"

No reply.

"Well, all of us CARE, sempai," Yanagi said forcefully, her voice starting to crack. "Even Raiha-kun, especially Raiha-kun. Have you ever looked into his eyes before? Have you seen the little scars that are so blatant yet inconspicuous? I don't know why, but he cares a lot about you. Maybe he himself doesn't know it."

Mikagami did not even twitch.

"I'm not too sure about Raiha-kun and his feelings, but I know Recca-kun, and he's angry. Not at you making me cry, but you committing such a silly act like suicide. Yes, it's silly. He told me he thought you would be the last one in Hokage to ever take your own life - he thought you would be too smart for that! We thought you would be too smart for that! WHY? Why did you do it? I thought you were too smart for that!" Yanagi burst out in tears, and she put her head down on the soft bed to muffle her cries.

It was perhaps a few short minutes later, when she felt a gentle hand wipe away the tears on her cheeks. She looked up, startled. Mikagami turned his head away from her again, and muttered hoarsely, "Please don't cry… Yanagi-chan…"

The tired young man was surprised to find someone fling her arms around him, and hugging him tight. "Sempai! You're talking! You're talking!!"

"Yeah…" Mikagami muttered dryly. Then after a while of Yanagi's crying, he said, "I know all of you care. I'm not blind. The obstacle is myself, and even I don't know how to fix it. So don't feel too bad, okay? Shh… don't cry now, all right?"

Yanagi sniffed several times then nodded.

"You better go. Or that monkey…" Mikagami turned away.

"Okay… take care, Mikagami-sempai… I'll be back to see you tomorrow." Yanagi stood up and smiled, then, she was out of the door. Mikagami heard some exclamations from outside, followed by the shuffling of footsteps. When it was all quiet, he reached out a hand and pulled the picture from the shelf onto his bed. He could see part of himself in the picture, as the smiling face without the smile.

Tokiya Mikagami rarely looked at his own features. He hated his own looks; they were a reminder of his sister, and what a pathetic coward her death had left behind. Worse of all, he reminded himself of a monster Mifuyu, with hard cold eyes and a face without the muscles required to smile. A bile and hateful monster.

He got up, and changed into his tank top and long pants. He wanted to go somewhere, somewhere where he could see the creature inside of him, the failure of the Mikagami family. He placed the picture of his sister back onto the shelf, and his eyes caught another photo.

Mikagami stared at it for a few silent moments. It was the picture they took after the Urabatousatsujin… The voice of Yanagi came back to him, and he sighed, with something close to sadness. He really was not blind. He knew…

Much as he would not have liked to admit, he knew, that the Hokage were all ready to kill and die for him, if there was the need for that to be. He knew, that Yanagi would never be anything more than a friend who still addresses his name with a sempai attached to it. He knew, that they were all the family to him now, now that the days were constantly missing someone he once had.

What he did not know was what he would do if they, too, left him.

---

Fuuko mentally groaned and wondered just how much of her pride was there left to be salvaged. Raiha cheerfully hummed to the tune of Rhythm Of the Rain until they reached the theme park. Raiha suddenly stopped and turned, causing Fuuko to bump into him. He Smiled, and announced, "We have exactly two and a half hours to enjoy ourselves before the sun sets."

"Lovely…" Fuuko muttered loudly, trying to appear at least sarcastic. The bad thing was she knew she failed disastrously. The good thing was Raiha did not seem to notice. "Raiha, trust me, I'm not a good company to a theme park, so don't expect too much."

Raiha laughed. "Fuuko-san… I believe I'd need you more than ever here. I've never been to… this kind of place before."

"Don't you ever go out of the Uruha's den, wherever it is- was?"

"Nope. That's why I need you to accompany me today. Just let me know what's it like to be a teenager, okay?" he winked. "So where shall we go first?"

Fuuko turned away, and pretended to be contemplating. The fact was that she was afraid her face might be sizzling. "Lemme see… let's do the standard thing."

"Standard thing?"

"Hey, what's a visit to a theme park without a roller coaster ride?!"

--

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!" Fuuko screamed, the air rushing out of her lungs at a satisfyingly fast rate. Raiha looked at her in amusement, as the wind blew his hair back, and wondered what she was yelling at.

The roller coaster came to an abrupt stop, and the two were thrown forward. Fuuko stopped her screaming and sagged back into the seat, laughing. She opened the door and tumbled out of the car, followed by a more sedate Raiha. Grinning, Fuuko exclaimed, "It's still the best ride around here."

Raiha smiled back, and patted her head. "It's not that scary, right?"

"Is that why you've been so seriously staring at me throughout my whole tirade? Have you any idea how comical you looked?" Fuuko chuckled, recalling the one quiet person among all the other noisy people.

"Do I look that stupid?" Raiha beamed good-naturedly, like he had just received a medal for The Dumbest (pun intended) Person On A Roller Coaster.

"You look stupider now," Fuuko broke into another round of laughter. When she had collected herself, she put her hands on her hips and asked, "What now? More roller coaster? Ice cream? Ferris wheel?"

Raiha looked around, and noticed something. "Let's go to the haunted house."

--

Fuuko did not even flinch as a skeleton dropped itself from the ceiling and dangled in front of her. She gave it a hefty kick and it flew back to where it belonged, with a… bone-shattering crash. Raiha winced, half-amused. Screams came from behind them, and Raiha absently deduced that some girl had met up with the werewolf Fuuko booted a while ago.

"This is a perfectly HORRIBLE place!" Fuuko scowled, clawing fiercely at some cotton-wool cobweb that was so unfortunate as to get entangled in her hair.

"Surely you don't mean the monsters, Fuuko-san," Raiha said.

"I so very solemnly mean them, Raiha, and I'm going to be funeral-serious soon if they continue popping out of nowhere!" Fuuko growled, and jumped as some speaker beside her cackled like witch and crow combined, with the crow chomping the witch's butt. "I tell you, if we don't come to the end of this stupid tunnel in five minutes, I'm going to blow my way out."

"Calm down, Fuuko-san, calm down…" Raiha held up his hands peacefully. "Don't get so worked up over this kind of minor things…"

Fuuko turned and glowered at him in the dark. "I TOLD you I'm not good company for a theme park, so don't you DARE to complain. And this goddamn cackle is GETTING ON MY NERVES!!!!"

Fuuko stormed ahead, greatly irritated. The earlier schoolgirl-on-an-impromptu-date mood had been stepped on and mercilessly crushed. The whole atmosphere of the 'date' had been ruined by the highly incompatible environment. Fuuko growled venomously, not knowing whether to be glad. Raiha caught up with her and tried to slow her down. Fuuko turned on him a second time, voice dangerously low, "Raiha… I am not going to faint in your arms or anything… so you can stop hoping…"

Raiha blinked. "Why would I want you to faint in my arms?"

Fuuko started, then realized what she had said. And blushed. Oh shit oh shit oh SHIT!!!! "Er… er… I didn't say anything you must have heard wrongly you didn't clean your ears properly I think we can go back now it's real late you know my mum told me not to stay out late the haunted house is real irritating and no I didn't say anything so don't think you heard anything and even if you think you heard anything don't think you've heard anything because you've heard the wrong thing."

She finished that in one impressive breath that left Raiha stunned. The two stood unmoving in the midst of howling and screeching. The atmosphere was awkward and tense. Then as the effects wore off, Raiha fidgeted uncomfortably. "I really wasn't hoping you would faint, you know… because if you did, I won't know where to carry you off to…"

Fuuko sweatdropped. But the embarrassment is not on this issue… Her inner groans were unheard, as she mourned for her crush's senile brain reflexes. "Please, Raiha… let's just get out of here."

Raiha was thoroughly confused, but let it drop, and the two proceeded on the journey out of the haunted house. When they were finally in fresh air once again, Raiha asked, "Did I do something wrong, Fuuko-san?"

Fuuko stopped, took a deep breath, let out the deep breath, and sighed. "Nope, nothing."

Raiha had a deep feeling in his guts that it must have something to do with his always-inappropriate reactions. But luckily, he let it go, and looked around for more subjects of interests. And of course, the traditional ice cream store. Beaming, be tugged a mildly surprised Fuuko along to the little store set up at the edge of the park, supplying life-saving ice cream.

"Eh? What do you want, Raiha?"

"May I have the honor to compensate for my foolish mistakes with a vanilla ice cream for my lady?" he bowed, with a flourish of the hand towards the little worn down stall. The old granny serving the customers smiled at them knowingly, and mumbled something about young people. Fuuko felt heat rising to her face, and clenched her teeth. Get down to EARTH, Fuuko Kirisawa… you're an UTTER DISGRACE!!!

She forced a smile at the old woman, and chose a coffee flavor with hot fudge. Raiha stood aside, watching her like a guardian angel, while she took her time picking the toppings. The granny handed Fuuko her ice cream, and Raiha paid for it. While he was being handed the change, he thought he heard the granny murmur something like 'ganbatte'. Unsure, he could only grin awkwardly, half in embarrassment.

"Erm… Raiha? Got a tissue or something?"

Raiha turned to his date at once, and exclaimed at the horrendous sight that greeted him. "Fuuko-san, are you alright???!!!!!!!! (O.O)"

Fuuko half shied away from his enthusiasm. "Yeah… I'm very sure I am… it's only chocolate fudge on my hand, you know."

"But the fudge is HOT, Fuuko-san! It'll leave a mark on your hand!" Raiha fussed.

"Yeah, and guess what? It'll help if you can get me a tissue paper or something now," Fuuko replied dryly. Raiha pulled out a white handkerchief, took her hand, and tenderly wiped the offending bit of chocolate off, little by little. His touch was gentle, so much that Fuuko barely felt the caress of the touch on her skin. A warm fuzzy feeling spread in her guts, and perhaps that was the reason why she suddenly pulled her hand away roughly. "I'm all right now."

Raiha was surprised. "Did I hurt you?"

"Raiha…" Fuuko tried to be patient, stepping and crushing all her wild thoughts. "If I can battle against Recca's dragons, I don't see how chocolate fudge can hurt me."

"Okay…" Raiha was hurt, and it showed plainly. Fuuko noticed, and felt bad. Hey, he's only helping you… you don't have to step on him like that… "Sorry… I didn't mean that…"

Raiha shrugged. "It's okay…"

"Come on… I apologized… it's just… I'm not used to people being so nice to me." Fuuko, curiously meek, tugged at his sleeve. "Smile, Raiha! Let's go to the mirror house!"

And Raiha was dragged off.

---

He took a step into the place. He had always loved the many many mirrors that were all around. It had always been empty, rather unattractive, compared to the rest of the theme park. But he thought it was beautiful, the way you can see yourself everywhere you turn. Through one mirror, if the angle was right, you could see what was going on behind the wall you were leaning on.

Kagami, mirror. His last name carried the meaning of that, mirror. It was fitting, he mused, as he walked slowly forward, step after step, lift a leg, move it forward, put it down, continue, repeat. The building was covered with mirrors, everywhere, especially as you venture further inside. It was easy to get lost, but he had long memorized every path of the place. Kagami… mirror… mirror house, where you get to see lots of mirrors. He chuckled.

It was one place where he could get to see himself properly, without having to search, dig, or attempt to remember.

He found his usual corner, at the very back, and sat down, slowly. He was tired. And then he just sat there, staring into the reflection of himself all around, the pathetic boy that had cowered in fear, immobilized, while his sister took the knife and his death for him.

And as usual, he, always the coward, started to cry.

---

"Have you been in here before?" Raiha inquired, looking around slowly in interest. There were mirrors of all shapes covering every inch of the walls, and some of which were those funny ones that twist your reflection. There was no one besides them there, and it was quiet, for a part of a theme park.

"Yes. Once, when… when Mikagami and Recca fought, right here, in this place. It was all blasted up and in the news, but they rebuilt it. The police could not find any evidences of what started the fire and caused the big wreckage. I guess that's why most people avoid it nowadays. There's a rumor running around that this is the headquarters for a bunch of guerillas," Fuuko laughed.

"Oh? Why were Mikagami-san and Recca-san fighting?" Raiha's ears perked up. "The last time I saw them seriously at loggerheads were over Yanagi-chan was at the battle with Uruha Oto…"

Fuuko stared at him for a moment, with a blank look on her face.

"What's the matter?" Raiha asked, looking at one of his reflections to make sure nothing was on his face.

"Nothing," Fuuko looked away. "It's just that I've noticed you are very concerned with matters that involve Mikagami. Always."

"Am I?" Raiha wondered aloud, then grinned. "And why are you so affected by that?"

"I'm not," Fuuko retorted. The comment had hit right in the heart of her conscience. "Anyway, they were again fighting over Yanagi. Mikagami has this stupid idea that with every second that Yanagi-chan stays near Recca, the possibility of her getting murdered increases. At that time, he saw Kagerou as the threat. She was our enemy before… so… yeah, that's about it."

"Who won?"

"Recca of course, else he won't be irritating us all right now," Fuuko snorted. "But Mikagami was the one who was able to walk away with a straight back that day. Recca just collapsed, and even needed Yanagi to give him blood."

"I saw that part. Kurei-sama's spies taped that down."

"Personally… I don't think Mikagami was serious there… there were just so much of his skills that were not made use of… Why am I yakking to you about him anyway?" Fuuko paused in front of a mirror that stretched her entire reflection. Raiha laughed and joined her.

They spent their next hour wandering around and getting lost, then finding the right route just to get lost again. The interior was larger when a person was inside, instead of just estimating the size from the outside. They were just strolling along in one of the passages, when Fuuko felt a hand close over her own. She was quite sure her whole body stiffened, but victoriously squashing the uneasiness in her, she did not shake Raiha's hand off.

No conversation ensued for quite some time; they just turned here and there in the maze, sometimes passing the same place over and over again without noticing. Time was not an issue too. It flew, without their realizing, and gradually, their paths grew closer to each other.

Fuuko always felt threatened when Raiha showed any signs of affection towards her. She did not know why; it was not like that with Domon - she just booted him off to the sky. That did not work with Raiha very well, she had observed. But at that moment, Raiha's hand felt warm and reassuring. Fuuko smiled to herself, inside.

"Fuuko… do you know how to get out of here?" Raiha asked, as they reached the passage and were challenged by a fork into three paths. "I think I should send you back home now, it's already quite late." He tapped his watch for emphasis.

"Oh… all right then. There's got to be a way out if we look for it seriously. Hey, you're a ninja aren't you? How can you get lost in a mirror house?" Fuuko teased, even as disappointment settled in her. Happiness was always over too soon.

"Hey, I was just thinking you'd like to stay for a longer time!" Raiha defended himself. "From this fork, take the right path and take the middle from the next fork and we'll be out. I've been taking care of where I'm leading you into, you know."

"All right, all right," Fuuko grinned, then sobered. "Erm… I… want to… thank you, for today. It's been fun to come out wit-"

Her next words were unspoken as soft lips pressed over hers and she responded this time. "Thank you… today's been happy…" Raiha murmured into Fuuko's mouth. He pulled her close, and they stayed like that, for a very long time… blissful in the presence of no one but each other.

---

He saw them through the mirrors on the floor. Watched, through dead eyes. Watched them until they grew tired of standing and went back home. Not a hair moved, not until long after they were gone. Only when the air was stale with silence, and the mirrors started to grow cold as the sun set, did the corners of his mouth curl into a cold, cold smile.

"Sweet, aren't they?"

---

Raiha looked up. "You're back."

Mikagami went into the bathroom and shut the door.

"You've been crying," Raiha remarked, deliberately insensitive. No reply, except for the sounds of splashing water. "You should still be resting, Mikagami, and not wandering around like that… you are very clear that you should still be in the hospital on a drip, aren't you?"

The door swung open and Mikagami came out with half of his hair wet like his face. he crawled into his covers and pulled them over his head. Raiha untangled himself from his own blankets and went over to Mikagami's bedside. He gave the body a little shake. It could have been dough he was pushing.

Exasperated, Raiha could do nothing but turn off the lights, and go to sleep.

---

He was petrified. Scared, scared of the blood, the loss, and the fear. Kneeling beside his sister, in a place where there were mirrors all around, and there were blood on the mirrors and in the mirrors. He was everywhere, his sister's death was everywhere, and the walls started to close in, all the blood and reminder of his loss started to close in on him.

And he was scared, so scared, so he screamed. The scream, with its fear, tore through all, the quiet, the mirrors, the images, the reflections, the blood, the death, the loss, the coward, the darkness, the pain, the voices, the memories, the laughter, the madness, the bitter, the anger, the hatred, the mind, the everything.

---

Raiha awoke, startled. The voice was painfully loud, holding something that made his hair stand. He jumped up at once, and realized with plain shock that it was Mikagami's voice that was screaming, at the edge of breaking. The emotion in it scared him, and he rushed over at once, pulling back his roommate's covers.

Oh shit… now what…?

Mikagami was curled up tightly, fists clenching on the white sheets until they were around the same color. His body was perspiring heavily, the sweat soaking into the sheets already. Raiha knelt down on the bed and pulled Mikagami up, and shook him hard, trying to get him awake, away from the demons, his demons. The scream continued, and beat against Raiha's eardrums, until his face twisted into a grimace involuntarily. His voice was growing hoarse, and its initial strength was diminishing. Raiha was not glad. The naked terror consumed the desperate shrieks, intensifying incredibly with each passing second. He raised a hand and slapped Mikagami hard.

Damn… he's not responding to it… "Come on, Mikagami, wake up!" Raiha muttered as he slapped him again.

There was absolutely no response to the pain if it even registered. His eyes were squeezed shut, like light would kill him. Tears ran down his cheeks and dropped onto his bare forearms. The flesh under Raiha's hands was cold, as were the perspiration. He shook the manic man more, rougher, and desperately hoped Mikagami would wake up before he lapsed into convulsion. He had seen previous cases of terror before, the kind of terror at the brink of death, but this… this was beyond fear for life. This is… seven years of stress all released at one go…

Raiha felt himself getting more and more alarmed. The last of the voice broke off, sharply, but Mikagami's mouth was still open, his throat still screaming, his mind still screaming, screaming in plea for the relief that had never been there for him for the past seven years. Raiha let go of Mikagami, and let him fall back onto the bed. His hands, white and cold, clawed at the sheets, and tore it apart in an instant. Raiha could hear the silent loud voice, a soft static at the back of the throat. And that soft static was going to produce blood soon, Raiha knew, if Mikagami continued to strain his voice cords any longer.

Damn… damn… Please don't make me do this… wake up, Mikagami… please… please…

And for once in his life, the ninja was at a loss for what to do. He looked at his hand, then at the crying and suffering young man on the bed. His eyes closed, and Raiha moved his hand down, down, until it was positioned over the throat of the tortured boy. Was that the end? Was that all he could do for him?

NO!!!!!!!!! I'VE SAVED HIM ONCE AND HE'S NOT GOING TO DIE!!!!!!!! Raiha clenched his fists tightly. He could not stand seeing the agony Mikagami was going through, but there was nothing he could do if he would not wake up. This was what others called 'one's own battle' and 'no one can help him; he only has himself'. Raiha saw stupidity in that favorite saying. He was not going to let Mikagami destroy himself. If he won't come round…

He was about to apply pressure on Mikagami's carotid artery when his body suddenly went lax, and he just lay there, not moving any more. Raiha's heart went cold. He put his finger on his friend's pulse at once, and, thankfully, it was beating. Damn… it's so weak… Why? How can a nightmare do this to him?

But Mikagami himself was a mystery, and Raiha saw no sense in puzzling about it. He did not want to send the boy to hospital again. There was so much there that unnerved him, and gut instinct told him that he would regret any more acquaintances with the white, life-saving building. He picked up Mikagami, who seemed so small and inadequate at that moment, and moved both of them onto his own bed.

Mikagami's perspiration had really made wet the sheets, to a near impossible extent. Raiha carefully tucked Mikagami in then sat down beside him on the bed. Everything was quiet again. The clamor outside had subsided. Many people had been awoken by the noise, Raiha now noted. He spent the next half-hour monitoring his pulse, and staring at the tired face that flinched every so often. People always said a person looked the most innocent and unguarded in his sleep. Raiha only agreed with the 'unguarded' part. The profile he had been gazing at only showed weariness. From what, Raiha did not even want to imagine.

It was after a while, when Raiha was satisfied with the stronger pulse, that he began to notice the increasing speed of Mikagami's falling temperature. His body felt colder than it should be, and Raiha frowned. He wrapped the blanket closer around the slender body, and brushed back some of the, for once, untidy hair. Raiha's face softened. The beauty of the face under his hands did not escape his eyes…

Raiha withdrew his hand. Stupid stupid!! () You should be thinking of how to wake him up! He'll die if he lapses into that hysterical state again!

But Raiha did not want to disturb the seeming peace Mikagami was sleeping with. So he settled back and contented himself watching him sleep, without a single desire to rest himself. He could just cringe in pain when he wondered about the number of times that Mikagami had pulled himself through the night without anyone beside for support. And… just how much of his resting time was consumed by that kind of… wild madness? Is that why he won't sleep with me around?

Raiha sighed, and leaned back against the wall. The luminous hands of the clock showed 3 am exactly. He sat there, as the slow hands of the clock went once around…twice… kept on going. Mikagami grew more relaxed and perspired less as the time went by. Raiha constantly checked his temperature, and pulled the blankets closer to him when he tossed in a moment of fitfulness. And sometimes, when he was not paying attention, his hand would just reach out to gently caress the smooth cheeks or brush back some hair. Raiha seriously wondered what was going on with him.

It was maybe three hours later when Mikagami opened his eyes. Raiha's heart leapt.

"You're awake…" He moved from his position beside Mikagami until he was kneeling over the pale face.

"…"

"How do you feel?" Raiha asked, soft anxiety in his voice.

"…What did I do?" the voice that came out was hoarse and strained, barely a whisper.

"That's not important. How do you feel?" Raiha insisted.

"What did I do?" the voice was disappearing. Mikagami did not even seem surprised.

"You woke up screaming like you were in hell then fell unconscious, okay? Now tell me how you feel," Raiha asked, impatient and annoyed that Mikagami did not seem concerned with his physical conditions.

"As usual." Mikagami turned away onto his side.

Raiha sighed. What could he do now? "Do you want to go to the hospital? You don't look too good to me."

"None of your business."

Raiha was quiet. Then, daringly, he asked, "Tell me what you saw. Tell me what is it that scared you like that."

Mikagami stiffened. "Nightmare. Everyday business."

"Literally?"

"Shut up and let me sleep."

"I won't until you tell me what's wrong. Is it… about your sister?" Raiha asked gently.

Mikagami tried blocking out the deceiving voice, the voice that sound like it cared, cared about the damn virus that was running in him. "Know when to respect one's privacy, Raiha," Mikagami hissed, his body starting to tremble again, but this time, it was with anger.

"Not if respecting your privacy will kill you," Raiha said firmly, and pulled Mikagami into a sitting position. He did not even struggle. In fact, he did not look like he had the strength to move.

"You want to know? Fine, I'll tell you! I've been dreaming about neesan, okay? You know those happy dreams? Those that make you feel everything is alright? Yeah, that's what I feel! I feel perfectly blissful in my dream, living with Mifuyu, until Meguri comes along and WHAM! Everything's gone," Mikagami raised his voice, then fell into a fit of coughs. "Leave me alone."

"Tell me, tell me everything now! How long can you keep it inside you? How many more of these nightmares can you go through before you break? Tell me everything!" Raiha half-plead.

Mikagami really wanted to give in, give in to that voice with the kindness that he had not tasted for so many, many years. Even if everything was a lie… even if he was going to regret it afterwards…

"What can I say? It's all about my sister… about how she died…"

"Can't you forget…?" Raiha asked gently. "Can't you forget the hatred? She'll be disappointed that you ended this way… from what I know, her last words were for Ensui to protect you… isn't it? To her death, she still puts your interests in priority. Ensui is for protecting, not for killing or revenging."

"You're right," Mikagami said flatly. "But I'm sorry, sorry to her. I can't forget the pain… can't forget her death." He smiled vacantly. "And of course, the nightmares do their part for the reminding. Do you know what it feels like?" He laughed. "Do you know what it feels like, Raiha? Every night… to see her get killed every night by the alter ego of the second person I've respected and loved." Mikagami leaned his forehead into his palms. Raiha's heart clenched and wondered whether he was crying. "Every night I see her die…"

Raiha was quiet as his eyes searched the hunched profile. "But do you really want the nightmares to go away?"

There was a brief chuckle, then a sad reply. "I don't know."

Raiha waited for him to go on.

Mikagami brushed his bangs back and secretly rubbed away the tears. "I don't know anymore, Raiha."

"Why?" Raiha prompted softly.

"Because… because those are the only clear memories I have of her," Mikagami whispered, through the constriction of his chest. "Because I don't remember anything else anymore."

The tears started to fall freely, as Mikagami stared blankly out of the window, at the psychedelic moon far, far away from the reality of life. The wind moved in, and Mikagami's hair was blown back. A few strands touched Raiha's face, and he was once again struck by how stunning Mikagami looked, even with tears running down his cheeks. Raiha found himself moving closer to him and putting a reassuring arm around the slender shoulders.

The young man, with tears borne from the toil of time, did not even flinch. Raiha was shocked, really shocked, when he felt him tremble under his supportive hold. The thin frame now looked smaller without the air of arrogance… painfully small…

"I try so hard to hold together the memories, and yet they still slip… It's pathetic! Now that she's gone, the only thing I want to protect is what's left of her, and I still fail." It would have been a howl, but Mikagami's voice broke halfway and he started hacking again. Something of the unmovable control inside him broke, and he sobbed openly into his hands. Raiha could no longer take the pain. He got onto his knees and gathered the shaking boy into his arms.

The tears drenched Mikagami's hands and dripped down, one by one, onto Raiha's arms around his waist. A part of Mikagami, the Ice Man, reminded him what an utter humiliation it was, to be even seen crying, less in a stranger's arms. But the water had already broken through the unyielding dam, and the repressed words burst out, unable to be stopped anymore. "Now I'm so scared. I'm so scared that she will disappear from my mind completely. At night, I'll start thinking, and I'll get so frightened, so scared that I'll even forget her face, her NAME! Which is worse, Raiha? Seeing her die or letting her go bit by bit?" Mikagami clenched his teeth and tightened his fists, trying to stop himself from shaking. "Then I'll start to question my own sanity, and I'll get even more frightened, because then I'll loose control of my mind, and I know I'll forget her, FORGET THE ONE TIME IN MY LIFE WHEN I'M HAPPY!!!"

Raiha nearly shrunk back at the savage cry. The tears and loud sobs leaked through the quivering hands. Raiha brushed the silver hair, which seemed more like gray at the moment, away from his face. He was surprised, when two hands snaked around his waist and Mikagami pulled himself closer to him.

The last supporting pillar had cracked and crumbled, bringing down the illusion that had been built and enforced on throughout the years. His friends should have seen it coming long ago, ever since the revelation of the betrayal by his master - should have seen the fatal speed at which the fragile mind had been racing at, the pieces that the delayed crash would leave behind.

Raiha pulled the grief and tears closer, embraced the sorrow and returned, in turn, comfort. "Cry… cry it all out…" he murmured.

"Now all I have are these dreams, these nightmares!" he croaked, through the lump in his throat. "I've got to face the coward in me every night, the coward who let his sister take his death for him. No matter how great an illusion I put up, he's still there… he still me…"

Then there was silence for the many many minutes that passed, broken by loud sobs and gasps. It took Mikagami more than a while to calm down, and when he did, his eyes were already red and swollen.

"Hard choice, isn't it? When ever I see her, it's always in some place peaceful and I get to spend a few happy hours with her… and then of course, the grand finale."

Raiha thought about all that he had said, then finally asked, "What do you think you need to overcome these?"

Mikagami released the tension in his body, and went limp in Raiha's arms, throwing away the last bit of dignity left. "What do I need? I don't know. I don't even know what I want."

Raiha waited for him to go on, as he himself squirmed into a more comfortable position.

"I guess all humans are born to search for and find love, acceptance. Look at Kurei, Kagerou, Koganei…"

And you. Raiha silently said. He wiped a tear away from Mikagami's face, gently. "So you think you're no different from them?"

"Why should I be?" was the tired reply.

"Now that they have all found their own forms of love, what about you? Have you wondered what are you doing this for, torturing yourself like that, bleeding and broken? You could have moved on with happy memories of your sister, instead of… being here this very second, crying to someone you barely know, and who now knows more about you than anyone else in this world."

Mikagami suddenly pushed Raiha away weakly and coughed. He crawled back to his pillow. "Let me sleep now. I've already answered your question. You can laugh at me when I'm sleeping. I don't care."

---

Raiha spent the whole night looking at the innocent sleeping face and the swollen eyelids that had never managed to block anything out from the eyes that had seen too much, far too much. Somewhere in the midst of his random thoughts of Mikagami, Fuuko's face popped out in his mind, and he smiled. She had been one to overcome all the loneliness, through all the friendship she picked up, shard by shard, bit by bit.

Raiha brushed away a lock of the silvery hair to get a better look at the beautiful face, the beautiful face never showed the scars in his heart.

What's happening…? What's happening to you, Raiha…?

---

That night, the same dream reoccurred again, as identical and prompt as before. But as the knife came down, there was someone behind the young Tokiya, someone who covered his eyes, and blocked out the blood, the death. Someone who cared.

Author's notes…

Sorry for the very, very boring chapter… *shame* The main things I focused on were

1. (major) Let Mikagami get over Mifuyu (yeah… no more boring angst… *confetti*)
2. Development of RaiFuu relationship. I was shuddering as I wrote those parts… can't stand RaiFuu… *shudderconvulse*

I know some of the chatacters are pretty much out of character, especially Fuuko. *bows head* That is my one big mistake that I don't know how to rectify. But I won't consider Raiha OOC, because of his split personality (or rather, the two sides of him) which is pretty fun to play with ^o^ That, of course, is according to the manga. (Have I said before? Everything here is according to the manga… more interesting…) Raiha is unbelievably out of it when he's possessed by the Raijin. I'm going for the Raiha between the ninja and the fool, when he's with Mikagami, and Raiha the fool when he's with Fuuko ^^

To Raydance-sempai: I'm SORRY ;_; *wails* I don't know how to compress a story into a two part thing, so I think… this is going to be multi-chaptered x_x forgive my uselessness… *kowtow*

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Tentative preview for next chapter

Number 1:Mikagami starts to vying with Fuuko for Raiha O_o.

"Raiha likes purple."

"Yeah, and how do you know that?"

"You should see his undergarments…"

"WHATTTTT???!!!!!"

Number 2: What happens when Mikagami starts to vie with Fuuko O_o;;

"Mi-chan…." Fuuko gasped, covering her mouth with her hand. "What are you… doing?"

"Don't you have eyes?" Mikagami muttered, not even glancing at her.

"You're… baking… cakes…?"

Number 3: What happens when Fuuko starts vying back O.O;;;;

"Monkey…" Mikagami trailed off, and stared at the contents of the microwave.

"What?!" Fuuko snapped.

"You're not supposed to cook that in a microwave…"

"I have my own ways of cooking. Anyway, Raiha will like it like that."

Mikagami shrugged. "As you wish then. But don't say I didn't warn you. It'll-"

*KABOOM*

"-explode."

*tralala* ^^ a small preview… Okay, now I have two options and would like the readrs' opinions… do I continue this first, or my other fic, The Darker Side? (the fuutok one (keyword: fuutok) about the two being assassins) for TDS, I've only got to rewrite the first chapter (the prologue that I posted up is also a rewrite) so it'll take a shorter time, while for this fic's part 3, it's going to be take… long. For TDS, I can post up the second chapter as soon as I post up the first chapter, because the second chapter is already ready.

If you have any opinions, please chuck them in a review if you wish to do so, or you can always email me at saturnforever@hotmail.com

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Can't Let You Go is an original piece of work copyrighted to saturn de wicked™. Characters in this fan fiction are adapted from Flame of Recca without permission from their creator and are copyrighted to their respective owners.

This fan fiction is inspired by the song by Mikaila, My Heart Can't Let You Go.

© 2001 saturn de wicked