Can't Let You Go
PART THREE
The discovery made him tense up for a moment.
I'm unarmed, he slowly told himself. Someone has me trapped.
He paused.
And I'm on the bed.
Shit.
An unusual panic and anger seized him as his still pounding head fumbled for a plausible explanation for the alarming circumstances. Gradually, his mind cleared and relaxed a little, and he felt even breathing on his cheek, ever so soft, telling him that the other person was asleep. Muddled memories of the night before came back to him in a rush, and his mouth set itself into a grim line. To think he had said everything out… Maybe he should leave now, leave this place, leave the team. So that he would not ever have to see gossips of his weakness fly through the place. He smiled humorlessly. Maybe some part of him just did not want to see Raiha betray him.
Mikagami turned his head a little, to make sure the person holding him was really Raiha, and nearly shrank back when soft lips touch his, just ever so gently, just a brush past. Mikagami quickly turned back to face the ceiling, and swallowed the stiff lump in his throat. Damn.
It was a few seconds before he let out the breath he had been holding, slowly. The air escaped his lungs, and welcomed fresh air poured in. He closed his eyes wearily. For a few moments, he just lay there with the warm sunlight on his legs, and enjoyed the peace while feathery light breaths caressed his face. How long had it been…? How long had it been since he actually managed to wake up without any tears or screams?
It would hurt his head just to try counting.
Then the reality struck him and he slowly removed Raiha's reassuring arm from his waist. He was about to get off the shared bed when the arm patted around for the warmth it had lost, and caught Mikagami's leg as it moved. His breath caught in his throat. Raiha mumbled something, then that hand fell limp back onto the white sheets. Mikagami's shoulders sagged, though his relief was marred by a hint of haunting emptiness. His eyes lingered on the slender hand for longer than necessary, before he tore them away and went to wash himself up, ignoring the brief chill the air brought to his now exposed stomach.
The plunge into cold water sharply hauled his mind up from the bleary depths of slumber, and he drew a huge intake of breath that was released in a tired sigh. He showered and got rid of the sticky perspiration that clung on to his body. Mikagami noted with little surprise that his long fingernails were once again caked with blood, and long red lines ran along the pale skin of his body. He stood in the heart of the powerful shower and let the water pound on him as he carefully removed the dried blood on his nails, with a look in his eyes that was close to obsession.
When he next stepped back into the room, Raiha had shifted and now sprawled facedown on the mattress. Mikagami stared at him for a second too long before looking away. He was sure a flit of a smile had played on his roommate's lips for a moment. Mikagami frowned and went over to his own bed.
His mind drifted away from the half-naked ninja for a while as he stared at the mess he had made in the night. Impassive eyes took in the torn sheets and few bits of down that had come out of the pillow. Then he set to work to tidy up things as best as he could without any self-questioning. He had woken up in cold sweat before, but never had he destroyed things or done anything along the lines.
When everything came to semblance with the normal, he put on his school uniform and walked out of the hostel. The perfect mask was back again.
---
Raiha scurried down the corridor, the exact image of a schoolboy about to face detention. He ran the lines of excuses through his mind hurriedly, able to come up with no lies to explain his lateness. Ahhh!!!! What should I do? What should I do?!
Totally without anything close to dignity.
The Jyushinshuu would have disowned him.
How can Mikagami-san go out without waking me?!! He raced down the corridor, and flung open the door of his classroom. "SENSEI SUMIMASEN!!!" (_____)
Mikagami looked up calmly and met his eyes. Raiha blinked, then took in the empty classroom in confusion.
"It's break now, Raiha," Mikagami said evenly. He looked back down to what he was writing. From the corners of his eyes he could see Raiha slump into the seat beside him with a groan.
"You could have woken me up, Mikagami-san!" he added a reproachful tone to his voice. "Sensei will be so angry…"
Mikagami could have sworn Raiha actually felt uneasy. Instead of replying, he slowly put down his pen and reached into his bag for something. Standing up, he slid the book under Raiha's nose and stood there, waiting for his response. Raiha raised both eyebrows in surprise, then smiled. "This is a good thing, isn't it?"
He fingered the miniature silver lock on the book of elegies. Then book itself had two hoops on the sides of the front and back cover that allowed the locket to fit in elegantly. He handed the book back. "Ganbattekudasai ne, Mikagami-san."
Mikagami looked silently at the book in his hands for a moment before tucking it safely in his bag again. He nodded faintly to Raiha's encouragement before slipping back into his own world. Raiha peeked at his roommate from his peripheral vision. He did not seem to have changed much, he noted, with some disappointment in his heart. He had hoped there would be some signs of tension eased or the likewise…
"Quit staring."
"Go-gomenasai…" Raiha stuttered, taken aback and embarrassed that he had been caught.
They lapsed into silence again, until the first trickle of students began to return from break. Mikagami stared hard at the book he was writing in, not paying attention to his own words at all. He just did not know what to make of Raiha… he was just so strange, acting like nothing had happened. The grip on his pen tightened. But it did not matter. Tomorrow, and if rumors spread fast, today, everyone would know he was badly in need of a psychiatrist.
The lesson commenced, but it was Math, luckily, and he need not distract himself from his own thoughts. Betrayal… he should have gotten used to that by now. Everyone turned their backs, his parents, his relatives, his teacher, and even his sister…
But the prospect of Raiha added into the equation just hurt somehow… Mikagami closed his eyes.
So much…
---
He actually wanted to have a few words with Raiha before they parted for the day, just to let him know that nothing has changed and he was still the enemy and that Mikagami was not going to expect anything more from him than a resolution to leave him alone.
But just as he was about to speak to the purple-hair ninja, the door slammed open and a girl bounced in. All the remaining students all tensed at the sight of her, half of them cowering away. Mikagami slowly let out his breath and picked up his books, brushed past her and went out of the room.
People outside stared when they saw him. Word of his suicide had gotten around fast, and people were shocked, if not a little spooked, to see him back so soon. Mikagami let his eyes slid over their stares, and carried himself the way he usually would, cold and proud.
---
"Mi-chan is back to school so soon?" Fuuko frowned, directing the question at Raiha as she watched her teammate make his way calmly out of the class. She turned back to face him, who was just finishing his packing.
Raiha sighed. "I can't stop him. He was gone when I woke up this morning. He should go back to the hospital… they still need to make sure nothing went wrong with the blood transfusion…"
"Aurgh!" Fuuko waved her hand in dismissal. "Mi-chan can take care of himself all right. He'll be pissed if we interfere."
Raiha only nod his head mildly in reply, deep in thoughts.
"Oi! Earth to Raiha the dumbo!" Fuuko looped her arm through his and dragged him away from the classroom. "You're coming to my house today, Raiha," she said firmly. "I'm going to get you to try my cooking."
"Hmm?" Raiha made a questioning sound. "Why so sudden?"
"Don't worry, my mum's not going to be home until night, and my dad's not in the country. Only my brother will be there to chuck in his smart-alec comments. Peace, ninja!" she held out two v-signs in enthusiasm. Raiha could only smile in defeat. Her bubbly personality was contagious.
"The big bad wolf alone with Fuuko in an empty house?" he remarked lightly. "Sounds good to me."
He got a big bump on the head for that comment. "Big bad wolf's run into Red Riding Hood's descendants."
Raiha laughed, and followed Fuuko out of the school grounds. On the trip home, their paths were linked by the arm and Fuuko kept trailing off by the roadside, picking up tidbits and edibles here and there. Raiha did not utter a complaint throughout the trip, instead laughing with her when she found a new curio and bearing her grumbling when she kept stubbing her toes on the slightly uneven ground. Fuuko was completely relaxed in his presence, and he did not know what to feel about that.
So trusting… and yet I'm the enemy… he observed, as the wind girl's eyes lit up with amusement again. What will I do… the next time…?
The next time when orders were to kill the smile, the next time when orders were to betray her, the next time orders were to run the blood out with his own two hands.
"Hey! Stop drifting off like that! This is an insult to me!" Fuuko exclaimed, planting an arm on the hip.
Raiha smiled in reply, as he slid back to the real world. She looked so alive, everyday, and it was hard to imagine her lifeless body, no matter how hard he tried.
"Okay, now we need to actually buy stuff. Stuff to coo~ook with." Fuuko's grip on his arm tightened as she dragged him into the cool air of the supermarket. "No time to go to the fish market, so just make do with this, okay?"
Raiha tagged along obediently, as Fuuko wandered amongst the various vegetables. She grabbed a basket from nearby and finally let go of his arm in favor of the green leaves. Raiha watched in amusement as she stormed the place, randomly fishing out cabbage and the likes. Shaking his head, he secretly wondered to himself whether she could cook at all.
"Are you sure she won't burn the house down?" a quiet voice said behind him. Raiha jumped, having not sense the person in the midst of the crowd.
"Mikagami-san!" he breathed, the surprise wearing off. "Don't scare me like that."
Mikagami's eyes were fixed on the whistling Fuuko, as she tossed a bunch of lotus roots back to their basket. "What…" he murmured. "Is she doing…?"
"Mikagami-san!" Raiha replied in mirth. "I believe Fuuko-san knows what she's doing. What are you doing here?"
Mikagami gave him a slanted gaze. Yeah… I'm sure she's a great cook… He did not voice out his thoughts, instead, held up his own basket of groceries. "Buying for tonight's dinner." He paused, with a bit of hesitation, then asked, "Are you coming back to eat today?"
Raiha blinked, then finally digested the meaning of Mikagami's question. He flushed, embarrassed, then said, "I'm sorry, Mikagami-san. I'm… joining Fuuko-san for dinner."
Mikagami's expression did not change. He shot the unknowing Fuuko a look then turned to walk away.
"Wait!" Raiha called out before he could go far. There was just something about Mikagami walking away that had always managed to unsettle him; he looked so alone, in the world… Mikagami stopped.
"Anything else?" he queried, not bothering to turn his head.
"Erm…" Raiha fumbled. "I think Fuuko-san won't mind if you join us… that way you won't be lonely!"
This time Mikagami turned, with a mocking look in his eyes. He gave a short burst of laughter, then stopped abruptly. "Who do you think I am, Raiha? I don't need your sympathy, nor do I want to break up the-" his eye darted towards the wind girl who had turned around at the familiar crazy laugh. "Two little doves."
"What are you doing here, Mi-chan?" Fuuko asked cheerily, having not caught the words through the distance. "I didn't know you needed food to live."
"Fuuko-san…" Raiha mildly protested. "Don't be mean…"
She winked at him. "Chill it."
Mikagami felt a surge of resentment welling up, a feeling unlike the other times when Fuuko teased him. He bit in the snarl that was on his lips, ignored the wink between the two lovebirds, and walked away. He dropped the whole basket of groceries in a corner as he went.
"Mi-Mikagami-san!" Raiha called out to him, puzzled by the reaction. But Mikagami was not ready to stop, so he had to run and catch up.
Raiha sure has taken to him a lot… Fuuko ignored both men and went back to her picking of vegetable.
Mikagami's head burned, and he close his eyes to shut out the wave of heat that rolled across his brain. Vision suddenly blurred, and he reach out to steady himself. Finding no support, he stumbled and would have fallen onto the cold hard floor had it not been two strong arms catching him firmly by the shoulders. The dizziness passed, and Mikagami regained his footing blindly.
He jerked away from the person who saved his dignity, already knowing who it was and not appreciating the help. Raiha did not give way. "Are you alright, Mikagami-san?" More quietly, he asked, "Does this have anything to do with… yesterday night? Are you unwell?"
"Back off, Raiha," Mikagami bit out, shrugging off the hands. "Whatever happened has nothing to do with you anymore. My business is none of yours."
"Don't say that…" a hurt look crossed over Raiha's eyes. "But I can't let you go back like that, Mikagami-san. What if you faint on the road? What if you meet up with thugs? Come with me to Fuuko-san's place, and maybe she can cook something nutritious for you?"
Mikagami's vision cleared, and the first thing to come to his eyes was the hope in Raiha's eyes, so blatant for the world to see. He took a step back in surprise mingled with a little bit of unease. "I…" he faded off. "Don't look at me like that, Raiha. It's revolting."
Raiha blinked in surprise, then touched his face on instinct. "How… am I looking at you?"
"Forget it," Mikagami pulled himself totally away and brushed the bangs out of his eyes. He hesitated for a moment, wondering whether he should really go back to the hostel. He was not sure, but there was an ominous feeling that it was going to really quiet without… Raiha. He had wanted to make them something for dinner, but he should have known… Mikagami clenched his teeth. He should have known that he was off to Fuuko's place. Of course he would be. Who am I, huh? Just a suicidal freak that happened to share a room with him. Nothing but trouble.
"Mikagami-san…" He felt a hand close around his wrist, and slowly, felt the mask crumble into pieces.
Raiha relaxed his grip when he saw the shoulders sagged in resignation, then gave a gentle tug. "I'll walk us home later on, okay? Dinner won't take long, and we have no homework for today."
The feeling was almost overpowering. The urge to give in to the kind voice… Mikagami nodded slowly, trying to gather his shattered will. Raiha pulled him gently towards Fuuko, who had been staring blankly at them. There was something about those two that bothered her a lot… today more so than ever. Mikagami always looks so vulnerable around Raiha… she realized. So easily giving in…
Her eyes darted between the two faces of the two young men who were slowly approaching her. From Raiha's smiling and encouraging one to Mikagami's sullen cold expression.
Then to the linked hands.
---
Fuuko flung open the door to her house. "Tadaimaaaaaaa!!!"
The interior of the house was dark, meaning her brother had yet to return, or he was hiding in the shadows to scare her. Fuuko quickly crossed out that idea. Nah… he learnt that he will only have shuriken in his ass for trying…
So that meant she was alone in the house with Raiha the boyfriend prospect and, drum roll please, Mi-chan the great big gooseberry asshole. Fuuko scowled.
"There's no need to scream…" came the even voice.
Fuuko's vein popped out. She turned around and forced a smile. "It's a family tradition, Mi-chan."
He raised an eyebrow. "Tradition with a vengeance…"
Smoke nearly risen. "Well, if you're not happy with my inherited customs, you're free to go whenever you please. I didn't invite you."
"Fuuko-san…" Raiha frowned. "It's getting cold outside, I think we should go in before we start arguing." He had a feeling the evening was not going to be pleasant…
"Oh fine, all right!" Fuuko kicked the door out of wimp and dumped her few bags of groceries on the table as she passed.
Mikagami followed and Raiha came next, closing the door and shutting the chill out. It was early summer, but the nights were still cold. He sighed and put down his own bags of food. When Fuuko learnt that he had invited Mikagami over, she had given him a strange look then blew her top. While she ranted at him half-heartedly, Mikagami just snatched her basket from the ground beside her and refilled it with new assorted food that looked way better than the first batch.
Raiha thought he was going to get into more trouble for Mikagami's insolence, but apparently Fuuko had not even noticed. She just grabbed the basket when she was done grumbling and went to the cashier.
Mikagami left his load on the table, beside Raiha's. Fuuko had gone upstairs, presumably to change into something more casual, and fume everything away in silence. Okay, maybe not the 'silence' part. Raiha winced at the Unnamed Flying Objects that sounded like they were… flying, upstairs.
He saw Mikagami hesitate, then pick up all the discarded bags again to enter the kitchen. He was a Man With A Mission that night (and please do not allow your mind to wander into the gutters). He really had doubts about Fuuko's culinary skills. The world could die of food poisoning, but not him.
Raiha followed him, wishing he could just lift the corners of the unsmiling mouth, even if it was just a little. "How can I help, Mikagami-san?" he asked good-naturedly, peeping over Mikagami's shoulders at the shrimp he was fishing out of the plastic bag.
"Keep Fuuko away," was the immediate yet steady response.
"You do realize that would not only be rude, but also impossible, Mikagami-san?" Raiha smiled.
Mikagami was silent for a few moments, as if pondering on how to answer, which was something he rarely did. Finally, he managed to say clearly, "Mikagami. Just Mikagami."
Raiha was caught off guard, and the words hit him like… well, something he did not expect. His face broke into a big beam and he nodded fervently. "Of course, Mikagami-s… Mikagami!"
"Go and wash the oysters."
"What?"
"You asked me how you can help, didn't you?" Mikagami put the shrimps in a draining basket and washed them clean.
"Aa!" Raiha poured out the oysters into another small basket and started rinsing. "What are we going to eat today, Mikagami?"
"Yose-nabe." Mikagami moved on to the carrots.
"Ah…" Raiha grinned in appreciation. "It's been so long since I have gathered around with people to have an actual meal. The last time I ate something like this was when… let me see… when Kurenai-sama was still alive, I suppose. It was New Year and I and Jisho-san dropped by the Uruha mansion to visit Kurei-sama. If I remember correctly, that hotpot was prepared by Neon, and she stood in the far corner of the room while she watched us, until Kurenai-sama invited her over. She was Kurenai-sama's personal maid then, and took care of her favorite roses," he let out a small sigh, turning on the tap.
"Kurei-sama was there too, eating with us. He used to have a smile back then. That was the night Neon asked to join the Uruha forces under me. You know, I was the one who trained her at first," he gave a sad smile. "I wonder whether I did the right thing… You know, I never managed to figure out who's most loyal… the one who died for him, the one by his side, the one with him always on the mind, or the one that watch from afar…" Raiha blinked, like something suddenly struck him. "Oh my… I must be getting old, rattling these things to you… Are you done with the chicken yet, Mikagami?"
"I understand…"
"What did you say?" Raiha looked up from his oysters, not sure he had caught the right words.
"I haven't eaten with a crowd for a long time too," Mikagami said quietly. "Possibly for longer than you."
"Saa! Let's not think about these things, Mikagami!" Raiha brightened up, not liking where the conversation was leading to. Heck, he brought Mikagami along because he did not want the swordsman to be lonely. Like hell he was going to allow bad memories to surface. "We'll finish doing this before Fuuko-san comes down. It will be a nice surprise for her." And we can all eat together… he added silently.
"Oh no you don't," Fuuko's voice rang out, seeming to have regained her good mood. Raiha turned and saw her standing in the doorway, hair dripping. "Who gave you permission to mess around in my kitchen anyway, huh?"
"It would have saved your parents effort and money," Mikagami replied, unruffled, not even turning to look at her. Before she could make a retort, he interrupted, "Get the burner out, Fuuko, and leave the food to us. We're having nabe today."
Raiha nudged her gently, "Go on, Fuuko-san… you don't have to dirty your hands this way."
"Hn," was all Fuuko said before going off to the storeroom to retrieve the burner for pot dishes. There goes her chance of showing off to Raiha. Stupid Mikagami. But he seems to have already recovered quite nicely… she mused. He certainly did not look suicidal now, unlike the last time she saw him. She wondered what had happened to cause the change. Then she frowned. He should still be in the hospital… because he did seem weirder than usual. More temperamental, she pointed out to herself. Snarls more than usual too.
She brought the burner out to the dining table and plugged it in. then, with the assigned chore done, she went back to the kitchen again. "Hey, you guys move faster, will you? I'm starving."
"The broth is rea~dy!" Raiha sang, as he carried out a pot of soup to the dining room. Fuuko smiled and tiptoed up to Mikagami.
"You know, you are behaving strangely," she commented.
Mikagami ignored her.
"You know what I think?" she continued nonetheless. "I think from what I see, you're in love with Raiha."
"What?" The celery in his hands broke into two. Mikagami frowned, shooting her a Look. "Cut the crap, what do you want?"
Fuuko studied his expression in a knowing way. "Forget it. I didn't say anything."
She watched him chop up the radish rapidly, then gave a frustrated sigh. "Come on, get your ass moving, or it'll be way pass dinner time when you finish."
After another long while of watching with Raiha whistling in the dinning room
as he busied away, she finally could not stand it and took things in her own
hands. Reaching into the refrigerator, she fished out a few eggs and put them
all in the microwave oven, and turned the temperature up to 200
Mikagami turned, to retort something, but saw unpleasant things. "Monkey…" he trailed off, staring at the contents of the microwave oven.
"What?!" Fuuko snapped.
"You're not supposed to cook that in the oven…"
"I have my own ways of cooking. Anyway, Raiha will like it like that." She gave him a glare, challenging.
Mikagami shrugged. "As you wish then. But don't say I didn't warn you. It'll-"
*KABOOM*
"-explode."
"AHHHH!!!" Fuuko squawked. "What the hell! What happened??!!!"
Mikagami studied the remains of the kitchen with an over-solemn look.
---
The three sat at the table in silence, Fuuko hanging her head sheepishly between the two men. Mikagami stared at her impassively, with a hint of sternness, while Raiha sighed and shook his head in half-amusement. The quiet continued for quite some time, and Mikagami eventually glanced elsewhere in boredom.
Raiha smiled in mild exasperation. "What are we going to do with you, Fuuko-san?"
"Come on…" Fuuko mumbled. "I rarely cook…"
"Yes, and you know what? Spinach has more brain cells than you," Mikagami snorted.
"Hey!" Fuuko protested. "You didn't stop me when I put those stupid eggs in!"
Mikagami raised a silver eyebrow. "I didn't?"
"You-" Fuuko started, then subsided just as quick. "Did."
"Saa… let's not argue about this, okay?" Raiha intervened. "Let's eat, now. I'm hungry!"
"He's right," Fuuko brightened at once, picking up her chopsticks. "Let's eat."
Mikagami spared their dinner a glance. "Instant noodles," he remarked, like he was talking about a stain on the shirt.
"You have objections?" Fuuko glowered, adding hot water to her Eel Flavor Two-In-One Instant Mix ~ Extra Springy. She slid the kettle over to him roughly.
Mikagami raised his other brow. "We could have been enjoying hotpot now, you know."
"Okay, okay," Raiha stepped in once again, adding the water into Mikagami's share as well as his own. "It's better than nothing, right? Think of all those people starving in the world right now, and let's thank God we have instant noodles to eat." Big Beam.
"Let's thank Fuuko, for practicality," Mikagami sniffed.
"MI~kagaaaaaaami!" Fuuko growled before pouncing on him.
"OWWW!!!" someone other than Mikagami yelled.
Both stop their scramble, and turned their heads. All they saw was a mass of yellow Extra Springy noodles over another mass of purple. Raiha sat there soaking in eel flavored soup.
"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!" Fuuko pointed and burst out in laughter. "Raiha! What are you doing?! (AHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!)"
Raiha shook the noodles away from his head in disgust. "Fuuko-san! You knocked the noodles over me!" he chided though it was through a grin.
"You are too much of a fool around her, Raiha," Mikagami commented, but managed to lift up the corners of his mouth a little.
"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!" Fuuko fell on her sides and pounded on the floor. "No! Get away from me, Raiha! Shit, don't pass your noodles to me!!!"
She started dancing around the room with Raiha chasing after her, waving eel flavored Extra Springy noodles. Mikagami sighed internally, and the night continued, until the duo eventually managed to squeeze a smile out of the ice block.
"Mi-chan! Look at that, Raiha! The sun's not going to rise tomorrow!" Fuuko glomped Mikagami from behind, and stretched his smile with two fingers. "Say AH~, Mi-chan!"
"You are sick." Mikagami shrugged the wind girl away impatiently, the hard-won smile vanishing. The rowdiness went on for quite some time, until Raiha finally gave the clock a glance and decided it was time to return to peace.
Why the hell did I even go with him for…? Mikagami grumbled to himself as he walked along in the company of a faint street light. Raiha warmed his hands beside him, and hugged himself. Mikagami looked to the sky and wondered if it was really that cold. Summer is coming…
"Mikagami… did you enjoy yourself today?" Raiha turned to him, still rubbing his hands together. "It was fun, wasn't it?"
"I have better things to waste time on." Mikagami ran a finger through his hair, removing the slight tangles that had resulted from tussles. His hand caught on one, and he growled softly. In one swift movement, the band that held the silvery strands together was gone, and stray strands floated in the wind easily.
"Oh…" was all Raiha managed to get out as his eyes fixed involuntarily on the new sight. He would have reached out to touch, but… it just was not right, he told himself in time. But how can anyone have such nice hair…? Must be nice to feel… It suddenly occurred to him that he had not for once wondered why Mikagami's hair was of such a weird color. It was just acceptance, be it dyed or natural… and now he found himself all consumed by those thoughts, of doing more, much more, than looking alone…
"Raiha?"
"H-Hai!" Raiha jumped, and turned his eyes wildly on Mikagami. Oh no, now he'll think you're an idiot or something! Stupid!
"We're home."
"A-aa!" Raiha stumbled in his words, and stopped, looking at the gates like they were airlock doors of a space Orbiter.
"We can go in now."
"Aa!"
Mikagami gave him a strange look then slid open one of the black-painted gates. He nodded to the security guard and proceeded up the drive. The hostels were right behind the school, and in a way, very convenient. Raiha trailed behind, half-annoyed with himself. They reached the hostel in silence. The corridor was quiet, because most of the students had gone to a party organized by a neighboring school to… encourage social interaction.
Mikagami sat down on his own bed and toed off his shoes and socks, with a thoughtful look in his eyes. Raiha did the same, but it was only he who felt the awkward silence. Mikagami fell back onto his bed and unbuttoned his faded jeans with one hand. Raiha could not stand it anymore, and went into the bathroom where he would only have to face cement and tiles. There, he would not have to start blushing for no good reasons.
He took a shower to calm his nerves. It was amazing how Mikagami always managed to unsettle him, when he had served Kurei for… ever since he could remember. But then, Kurei did not have gorgeous silver hair. Ahh! What are you thinking about?! Raiha mentally slapped himself.
He slipped into his boxers and thin long shirt, and opened the door. Raiha nearly squeaked in surprise when he saw Mikagami standing there with the usual stoic eyes glaring, presumably at the door before, and now at him. The ninja stepped aside to let his unpredictable roommate pass. The door slammed into his face.
Raiha sighed and hung his towel around his neck. When Mikagami came out again, he was all dripping wet, wearing only black briefs. Raiha looked up from his meditative position on the bed. Mikagami looked more flustered than when before bathing, and for some reason, one glance was all it took to let Raiha know he was lapsing into one of his restless fits again, unconsciously.
Raiha looked at Mikagami sharply, ransacking through his mind for anything in the past twenty-four hours that could possibly have upset the sword wielder.
Mikagami fell onto his bed and pulled the covers up, so not even his hair was visible. Then there was no more movement, while Raiha accessed the situation carefully in his mind.
"Mikagami?"
Silence.
"I know you're not asleep yet."
Silence.
"Your hair's still wet. You'll get a cold or worse."
Mikagami shifted slightly.
"Put on a sweater, will you? It's far too chilly to sleep naked."
Silence.
"Tell me what's bothering you... I won't tell anyone else. I haven't, have I? No one knows about last night." Raiha crossed his legs on the bed, and leaned forward hopefully. But there was no response. Raiha gave a small sigh that was only audible to himself, and flicked the light switch by his bedside. With a loud thump, he fell on his back, and gazed at the white ceiling in the soft glow of moonlight.
"Why do you act like you care?"
Raiha slowly turned onto his side and gazed at the hidden lump on the other bed. The voice was muffled by the thick cover, but the masked weariness was so clear to the ears... especially the 'masked' part. Raiha, at that moment, only wanted to take the lost child into his arms and hold him till the world went away and left his thoughts alone.
"Because I can't hide that I do."
"Then why do you?" The 'I don't believe' was loud, though unspoken. Raiha felt sadness twinge in his heart. He wanted to answer that he could not help it, could not help feeling for him, but restrained his words, and instead, replied, "Because I'm a busybody and I get carried off when I start to pretend... not that I ever did with you. You attract pests like me."
"And you still joke..." The covers were pulled down, and Raiha was a little startled when he saw two seemingly glowing blue eyes searing into him. The psychedelic moonlight danced on the pale skin of his face, and the beauty was more surreal than it ever was, colder than it ever had been.
And yet, at that moment as the eyes held the distrust, there was also something vulnerable inside, already torn and waiting for someone to piece it back. Maybe there was hope, like there had been once before, but now, it was buried deep, suppressed, unconsciously.
Raiha chuckled, and tear his eyes away. He looked to the ceiling again. "I'm not joking. Isn't that the truth?"
There was a moment of silence before Raiha spoke again. "Are you cold?"
"I'm never cold."
"All because you yourself and your heart is too icy to feel anything," Raiha chided. "Dry your hair, or else I'm going to nag at you till morning. And I want you to SLEEP, Mikagami. I'm going to stay awake until you've fallen asleep; I'm not going to let you stare at the ceiling until morning."
Mikagami snorted softly, almost in amusement, but made no moves to comply. Raiha's eyes softened. "Are the dreams coming back...?"
Hesitation.
"Once. Today's nap."
Raiha sat up suddenly, and held open his arms. "Come over to me."
Mikagami frowned in confusion. "What?"
Raiha grinned sheepishly. "No… it just seems like you sleep better beside me (^^). I remember yesterday, you slept like you were dead. Maybe the nightmares won't come if you have someone hugging you?"
Mikagami stared into those kind eyes blankly. No malice, no mockery, no ill intentions. This was a first since Mifuyu left. Always so ready to help… aren't you…? "You're telling me to sleep with you."
Raiha blushed deep red. "You don't have to phrase it that way! () I only want to make you better!"
A small smile flitted across the ghostly face, before the eyes trained themselves elsewhere. Raiha pouted a little then lowered his arms and fell back onto the sheets, turning his back on Mikagami. "Don't say I didn't try to help."
The air stilled and for a while, there was only the sounds of two people breathing, both deep in thoughts, though of drastically different genres. Maybe that was why Raiha froze when he felt warm moving beside him, squirming a little to get into a comfortable position. He tentatively turned his head to look behind him and was not sure how to feel when he saw Mikagami on the same bed, lying back to back with him. His skin had a chill factor to it.
Then the face broke into a grin. "Want to share my warmth?"
"I hope you have an idea how obscene we look like this." There, some light-hearted disgust.
"No, not at all," Raiha turned around fully and snaked an arm underneath and above the cold body to hug him from behind. He pulled Mikagami closer, despite the fact that Mikagami literally stiffened when he did.
"Stop that!"
Raiha's grin grew wider. "Or do you want me to rock you to sleep? Just settle down, Mikagami."
---
Mikagami opened his eyes to warn skin against his cheek. His mind drew a blank on the previous night, meaning there had been no dreams. Closing his eyes again, he wondered whether he should be glad or uneasy. This should not mean anything… right?
"Hey, you can't fall asleep again. Get up!"
Mikagami's eyes slowly reopened, and he looked up, at a face not so far away from his own. Then the baby blue irises darted to the alarm clock by the bedside, and narrowed. "It's barely six, Raiha."
"Doesn't matter. Rise and shine!"
Mikagami felt the two arms around him leave, and his face moved away from the crook of the ninja's neck. The sun had yet to rise, he noted, as he propped himself up on his elbows. From the corner of his eyes, he saw Raiha fishing out clothes from his closet and whistling merrily while dancing to his own tune. The wriggling butt (sporting boxers of white katana against a purple background) suddenly looked very good to slap.
Mikagami shook his head in irritation. What the hell was going on …? He threw on a shirt of his own, and set his mind to face the day.
---
Lessons were as boring as usual that day, and for the first time in his life, Mikagami found himself doodling in his book, writing and drawing things he would have died to protect from the student population of his school. In fact, he was so engrossed that he completely ignored the world while his pencil darted over the single lines and left pencil marks in the shape of a man. Meaning he did not hear when the teacher called his name.
*doodle doodle*
"Mikagami-san!"
*doodle doodle*
"Mikagami-san!"
*doodle doodle*
"Hey… Mikagami… look up…" Raiha hissed, trying to kick his legs, but only succeeded in wincing when he kicked the table leg instead. The sudden jerk of the table caused Mikagami's eyes to snap up, and he glared at the teacher like he was the cause of Armageddon.
The teacher, understandably, fidgeted. "Please pay lesser attention to your irrelevant drawings, Mikagami-san."
"Wakarimashita, sensei." The teacher was sure he felt his skin crawl.
He cleared his throat loudly, to emphasize on his importance, then motioned for Mikagami to stand up, which he obediently did. "Er… demonstrate to us how to do question three now, Mikagami-san."
Mikagami glanced at his textbook, wondering how far his class had gone already. He had been too caught up with his drawings… The question looked vaguely familiar, his mind registered, as he walked up to the blackboard. He had probably done it some time before.
Mikagami picked up the chalk and elegantly scrawled equations across board, enjoying the quiet sounds the chalk made. He quietly set the chalk down when he was done. Yeah, he recalled, he had done that question around five years ago…
The teacher swallowed, and pushed his glasses higher up the bridge of his nose. He inspected the working carefully, before silently admitting that it was correct by carrying on with the lesson. Raiha frowned, and compared the equations with his own.
He sweatdropped.
All wrong…? He groaned internally.
---
When the bell went for the end of the day, Raiha was still trying to figure out how x could be equivalent to 3y, and why there were infinite solutions to question 4a, yet no solutions to question 4b. Mikagami finished his packing, and sat quietly there, watching Raiha at work. The teacher had already left, as had the rest of the class.
Raiha scribbled something in his textbook, then with a sigh of satisfaction and delight, beamed. "I got it right at last!"
Mikagami lazily glanced at the illegible handwriting, then also sighed. "Wrong."
"What?!" Raiha checked the answers. He sweatdropped. "And I spent so long over this!"
Mikagami wanted to say something kind; he really did. But what came out of his mouth was totally in-character for him. "I take it that you know that anyone with an agreeable IQ of three digits will be able to complete that question in less than five minutes."
Raiha blushed, and scribbled something more. "Mikagami!"
"The answer is so glaring…" said Mikagami added, with an irritating tone of amusement.
"Rai-chaaaaaaaaann!!" The door flew open, and Mikagami closed his eyes at once, the involuntary horror rising rapidly at that voice. She was the Devil. No, in fact, she could have made the Devil kneel down, beg for mercy, and plead that he was going to be good for eternity.
Mikagami winced.
Fuuko bounced in, and slammed on Raiha's table. "I've been searching everywhere for you. Ready now?? Let's go!!"
"Saa… I'm just about done. We can go in a few minutes," Raiha smiled up at her, and started packing up his things. "Mikagami, I'll be back at about seven, okay?"
He barely nodded.
"Excuse me a moment, Fuuko-san. I need to go to the restroom." Raiha slipped out of the classroom, and Fuuko perched her butt on the edge of his table.
"So…" she began, tilting her head to the side a little.
"I do not wish to attend to your non-intellectual comments, Fuuko," Mikagami interrupted.
The telltale vein floated up, but Fuuko tried keeping a steady tone. There was a slight strain to it. "You are really getting weirder, Mi-chan."
Mikagami did not reply, slightly uneasy as to where the one-sided conversation was heading.
Fuuko swung her legs leisurely, but her face took on a sadder look. "I think you… should put this down, now. I really don't want to see you hurt deeper, and I think both you and me know that Raiha is not gay."
Mikagami's eyes hardened. "You're not making yourself understood."
"But you do, all the same. You understand." She lay a hand on her senior's shoulder. "Give it up, Mikagami, or the wound will reopen."
"Try speaking human language for once, Fuuko."
"Yeah, right, you don't understand." She rolled her eyes, then forced a smile. "Say, do you know what color Raiha likes best?"
"You should know it better than me."
"Nah, he doesn't seem to have a preference. You're the one staying with him, aren't you?"
"Purple."
Fuuko contemplated on that. "He likes purple…? How do you know?"
"You should see his undergarments…"
"WHAT???!!!"
Eyes bulged.
"Mikagami!!!" Raiha stood in the doorway, blushing a deep crimson. Mikagami raised an eyebrow at the very cute ninja, at that moment.
"You find the weirdest pictures there are…" Mikagami continued, a little warmed up to the game.
"Mikagami!!!" Raiha rushed over and clasped a hand over his mouth, and unknown to him, concealed a little grin.
"Okay, let's go now," Fuuko winked at him, and tugged on Raiha's arm insistently. "Quick, I need to be back early… grounded for messing up the kitchen."
"We're going to the mirror house, Mikagami. Don't wait up for me!" Raiha managed to call out before he was dragged away. "Don't wait up for me, heard that? I want to see you asleep when I get back, Mikagami!"
Mikagami sat there in the quiet, after the two had gone. To the mirror house… flashes of his last trip there surfaced, and for a reason unknown, he felt dull throbs of pain in his heart. Mirror house…
Give it up, Mikagami, or the wound will reopen.
It won't, Fuuko… Mikagami's eyes closed. What makes you think it has even healed in the first place…?
Mirror house…
---
"Tadaimaaaa~" Raiha said softly as he opened the door to his hostel room, for fear of waking up a sleeping roommate, who usually did not bestow him with good graces when roused from sleep. But to his mild annoyance, Mikagami was still writing something on the bed. "Mikagami! I thought I told you to go to sleep?"
"Had a nice time?"
Raiha paused, detecting something unfriendly in Mikagami's tone. "What's wrong?" his tone softened.
The swordsman put away his stationery and gave an almost inaudible sigh. He retrieved a rubber band from under his pillow and pulled his hair together. For a second, Mikagami just sat there, as if deciding what to do. Then blue eyes raised to meet jade green ones, and Raiha saw resignation and something new in there that seemed almost like realization. Mikagami looked at him for a good while, enough to make him uncomfortable, before shrugging a little. He got off the bed. "Had dinner?"
"Had no time… we were playing at the amusement park the whole while…" Raiha scratched his head.
"I've saved some for you." Mikagami brushed past him out of the door, dressed in tanktop and loose long pants. Raiha set down his school bag and followed his roommate out, not bothering to close the door.
"Why aren't you asleep yet?" Raiha persisted, as he caught up. They were heading towards the shared kitchen at the end of the corridor.
"I know you'll have nothing to eat when you come back," was the simple and unhesitating answer.
"I…" Raiha's eyes widened. "T-thank you, Mikagami. But you really needn't stay up for me."
"Raiha…" Mikagami started slowly, as if talking to a retard. "It's not even eight yet, if you haven't noticed."
"But-" Raha flustered. "But you should be sleeping! You just had a blood transfusion, and you're still not fit enough to be up and about everywhere eighteen hours a day!"
"You wake me up ridiculously early," Mikagami retorted, a little sourly.
"Ah… but that's another matter altogether," Raiha reasoned unreasonably. He was shut up when they reached the kitchen door. Mikagami swung it open roughly, and it nearly hit the purple-hair ninja in the nose.
Raiha paused in the doorway and watched as Mikagami lighted the stove and put a kettle on it. Expressionlessly, Mikagami stepped back and waited for the water to boil. When it did, he drained the water into a bowl and put in fresh tealeaves. Absolutely not a way to make tea, but for the practicality of it, it was enough. He moved to the rice cooker and emptied it's contents into a bigger bowl, scraped something off a plate into it, then poured the tea over. With a vague gesture towards his work, he said quietly, "Take it or leave it."
"What is it?" Raiha asked.
Mikagami shrugged. "Chazuke."
"Ah?" Raiha blinked, surprised, then grinned. "Mikagami, you are getting more and more like my wife with every passing day, you know."
He was shot with a disapproving glare, as sharp as tens of katana skewering him. Raiha winced, and had the grace to look faintly apologetic, even though the grin was still in place. "I didn't mean any disrespect, Mikagami, just a passing comment."
"Keep you 'passing comments' to yourself'. They're not appreciated," was the cold reply.
Mikagami brushed past Raiha, going back towards their room, and the ninja was faintly surprised that he was not shouldered aside (which was what usually happened). Raiha quickly picked up his bowl of dinner, took a quick smell and sighed in satisfaction, then followed his roommate. He managed to squeeze past into the room before the door was slammed shut in his face and his dinner. "Chill, Mi-chan," he took Fuuko's pet name for him.
"Don't start the juvenile trend, Raiha," Mikagami stated flatly as he fell onto his bed, tucking two arms behind his head.
Raiha mock-pouted before sitting down on the floor beside Mikagami's bed and setting the bowl on the floor. He contemplated on an 'itadakimasu' as he settled down comfortably, but rejected the idea at the thought of more sarcasm from his sort-of-friend. "Smells good, Mikagami."
"It doesn't have a smell."
"Ah, but it does," Raiha beamed, as he picked up his bowl and tucked in. The following minutes were passed in silence, only broken by the slurping sounds of Raiha dining. Mikagami stared at the ceiling, with a wistful expression. Raiha watched him, noticing a distinct change. Mikagami's eyes were alive, had a gleam in them that had been previously absent. He looked normal.
It really does look like he made a new realization or something… Raiha mused, downing the last of his very simple meal. "Okay, you are going to sleep now, Mikagami. Nope, no argument."
"I'm not trying."
"Okay, get dressed. Undressed. Whatever. I'm going to clean up and when I come back, I want to see you in bed, okay?" Raiha rattled as he picked up his things and went out, to the kitchen.
Mikagami closed his eyes, not moving.
Give it up, Mikagami, or the wound will reopen.
He thought he understood what it meant now. Mikagami's bit down on his lips determinedly.
---
Raiha was back soon, but Mikagami had enough time to burrow himself in the thick covers. He disappeared into the bathroom, satisfied that the swordsman was complying to a certain extent. Mikagami saw him come out all wet, and watched through fully awake eyes as he dried his beautiful violet hair and combed through the full length of it. "Close your eyes…" Raiha said patiently, feeling himself being watched.
Mikagami did not reply, nor did he obey. The truth was that sleep was just not catching up to him.
Raiha finally put down his brush and took off his shirt, crawling into his own bed and turning off the bedside lamp. "You know, you can come over when you want to."
He really did not expect it, but he saw Mikagami's slender figure kneeling down by his bedside, as the moon illuminated his features with its soft glow. Raiha was definitely startled, but did not show it on his face. It was unnerving how Mikagami could move without his awareness. His own surprise was pushed away as he took in the unreadable expression in the baby blue eyes – confusion, sadness and maybe a touch of uncertainty…?
"What's wrong?" he asked softly, having the notion that anything more than a whisper would shatter the fragile picture in front of him. Something stirred inside him, something that made him want to slip into his most gentle disposition and whisper words of paradise and eternal happiness. But he was speaking to Mikagami, after all.
"Why are you doing this to me, Raiha, when you know you'll be gone when I start to lean on you?" Mikagami asked, voiced strained all of a sudden.
"What do you mean…?" Raiha sat up, and meet Mikagami's strong gaze. The voice was weak, but there was something that burned within now, something searching for an answer, confused but relentless.
"Are you that confident you will be here when darkness falls? How do you expect me to trust you?" Mikagami asked, voice harsh. "Will you be the one there to wipe my tears when I cry? Are you going to try replacing my sister then die on me like she did? Who are you, Raiha?"
He was forceful now. He was searching for the last and final answer to his own chaos.
Raiha was taken aback, but his eyes softened at the words, words of a lost child. "I'm just someone who cares, and I'll be there, I promise. So believe in me, Mikagami…"
So believe in me…
With those words, Mikagami felt the last of the barrier crumble away, and he pulled Raiha close to him, bury his face into the soft neck and just held the warmth close, held tight, like everything, the newfound happiness, would be gone if he let go. Raiha slid his own arms around the small body, taking in the faint sweet scent that was solely Mikagami's.
Mikagami felt the warmth, felt the closeness seep into every part of his body as the seconds ticked by. He was not sure why, and for how long, but soon, tears were seeping out of his closed lids, and onto Raiha's tanned skin. He held on tighter, felt the tears come faster, and just let them go. Gently, he felt the reassuring pats on his back. For a moment, just for one moment, he had the faint vision, that even if the sky crashed down, he would be safe, safe and warm.
Then he pulled away to look into the gentle green eyes, before tentatively moving forward and touching the soft lips with his own. There was no resistance, so he pressed forward and softly kissed Raiha. His mouth was hot, and the taste sweet. Mikagami closed his eyes, focusing on the tender touch and the warm breath. "You promised… Raiha…"
Then he pulled away, realizing what he had just done. Their gaze broke, but their embrace did not. Mikagami pushed the ninja back down on the bed carefully, then moved into the sheets beside him, arms around the broad shoulders. He relaxed, as fingers combed through his hair lightly. Relaxed, and felt the cold being chased away, the darkness being lit up, as sleep claimed his tired consciousness.
---
He knows how to get up when he falls, knows how to hold back tears even if the wound pains him too much. But now, as the scarred child climbs to his feet, he finds that he has fallen too hard and too deep, and everywhere can be a trap waiting to spring. The little boy now stands alone in the foreign land, the dark and unknown abyss of love.
To be continued…
- O-chazuke is something often taken as a quick snack, and wives often prepare it for their husbands.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________
My Heart Can't Let You Go is an original piece of work copyrighted to saturn de wicked™. Characters in this fan fiction are adapted from Flame of Recca without permission from their creator and are copyrighted to their respective owners.
This fan fiction is inspired by the song by Mikaila, My Heart Can't Let You Go.
© 2001 saturn de wicked