Disclaimer: not mine. Please don't sue. All you will get is my overdraft
anyway.
A/N: so I have finally dragged myself away from Quake (all my friends are computer geeks. It happens.) to finish this. I'm a bit dubious about it actually, but cannot see what else I can do with it. The POVs jump around a lot, but I think it should be fairly obvious which Rimmer is speaking. If it's confusing, I apologise. Feedback much appreciated (.
"And if somebody, not just anybody
Wanted to get close to you…"
Van Morrisson, 'Ballerina'
It was all so easy. I can't believe how easily fooled he was. But of course, who could possibly know me as well as I know myself? I knew exactly how to manipulate him, to get what I wanted. And now I'm safe. The tensions are still there, I can't deny that, but with the, well, 'services' I provide, I am essential as far as my alter ego is concerned. Sex is a powerful tool. I never fully realised its potential before; it can be used to control the emotionally weak, the insecure. I know this- it applies to me as much as the one I am using it on, as he is myself. So I am exploiting my own vulnerabilities. Sometimes, afterwards, I begin to think how I would feel, if the situation were reversed, but I quickly stamp on such thoughts. The main aim is to survive, and emotional rubbish like that is not going to help me. Cover up your weaknesses, put forward a strong image, and mercilessly take advantage of those of other people: that's what has always been needed to rise to the top. I can't allow myself to be weak, to 'think of the victim'; I'm fighting for my survival here, and the last thing I need is to develop compassion.
He seduced me. He knew exactly what I needed, exactly what I like. But of course he would. For he is me. He knows how my mind works, and understands me totally. It is strange for me, to feel like someone has any idea what it's like to be me, after years of being misunderstood, smeghead Rimmer. It means a lot to me, this closeness, this understanding. It is like nothing I have experienced before; I have never let myself trust anyone enough before. But I can trust myself. It is about more than just the sex- years of teasing and bullying, often from my own family, have left me bitter and cynical, and emotionally frozen, at least in my interactions with other people. Inside, however, I want someone to understand me, someone I can relate to. It seems I have finally found that someone in myself.
I am beginning to get worried. I think he getting suspicious of me, of my motives. I can tell from his looks, his tone, that doubt is creeping in. Maybe he has started to think about what he would do in the situation, or maybe I have given myself away somehow. Whatever it is, it is worrying me. I have got to sort this out. I'm not going to give up without a fight: no matter how degrading and sluttish my existence, it is better than nothing. However, I see him approaching. He looks furious. Looks like I've been caught out.
I can see him ahead. I could kill him, except of course he's already dead. All this time he's just been using me. What a pathetic excuse for a human being. I walk up to him, hissing, "I know exactly what you've been up to." He turns around and sneers, "Well, what would you have done? Remember, I'm you. You can't take the moral high ground, no matter what."
I am aware of this, which just makes it worse. I stare at him for a few moments, both of us silent, both watching the other suspiciously. Finally, I say, "That is it. No more. I'm having you switched off." I walk off, furious.
The inevitable has happened. It was only a matter of time; after all, his mind works in the same way as mine. I was bound to be discovered. Pity it was so soon. I don't regret it though. I bought myself some extra time. I may be a weasel and a coward, but weasels and cowards survive. I am going to be switched off, but at least it wasn't sooner.
He's been switched off now. And I am left alone, feeling used and gullible. I can't believe that I am so desperate for affection and understanding that I allowed myself to be fooled like that. Worse though, I am also trying to accept that I am capable of using someone like that. For, as he said, he was me. I am capable of using someone like that, of cheapening myself like that. Am I really as bad a person as that? Or is that me as I used to be, have I grown and changed as a person? I can't answer this question, I do not know how to deal with it. But I do know that I will be trying to for a long time to come.
A/N: so I have finally dragged myself away from Quake (all my friends are computer geeks. It happens.) to finish this. I'm a bit dubious about it actually, but cannot see what else I can do with it. The POVs jump around a lot, but I think it should be fairly obvious which Rimmer is speaking. If it's confusing, I apologise. Feedback much appreciated (.
"And if somebody, not just anybody
Wanted to get close to you…"
Van Morrisson, 'Ballerina'
It was all so easy. I can't believe how easily fooled he was. But of course, who could possibly know me as well as I know myself? I knew exactly how to manipulate him, to get what I wanted. And now I'm safe. The tensions are still there, I can't deny that, but with the, well, 'services' I provide, I am essential as far as my alter ego is concerned. Sex is a powerful tool. I never fully realised its potential before; it can be used to control the emotionally weak, the insecure. I know this- it applies to me as much as the one I am using it on, as he is myself. So I am exploiting my own vulnerabilities. Sometimes, afterwards, I begin to think how I would feel, if the situation were reversed, but I quickly stamp on such thoughts. The main aim is to survive, and emotional rubbish like that is not going to help me. Cover up your weaknesses, put forward a strong image, and mercilessly take advantage of those of other people: that's what has always been needed to rise to the top. I can't allow myself to be weak, to 'think of the victim'; I'm fighting for my survival here, and the last thing I need is to develop compassion.
He seduced me. He knew exactly what I needed, exactly what I like. But of course he would. For he is me. He knows how my mind works, and understands me totally. It is strange for me, to feel like someone has any idea what it's like to be me, after years of being misunderstood, smeghead Rimmer. It means a lot to me, this closeness, this understanding. It is like nothing I have experienced before; I have never let myself trust anyone enough before. But I can trust myself. It is about more than just the sex- years of teasing and bullying, often from my own family, have left me bitter and cynical, and emotionally frozen, at least in my interactions with other people. Inside, however, I want someone to understand me, someone I can relate to. It seems I have finally found that someone in myself.
I am beginning to get worried. I think he getting suspicious of me, of my motives. I can tell from his looks, his tone, that doubt is creeping in. Maybe he has started to think about what he would do in the situation, or maybe I have given myself away somehow. Whatever it is, it is worrying me. I have got to sort this out. I'm not going to give up without a fight: no matter how degrading and sluttish my existence, it is better than nothing. However, I see him approaching. He looks furious. Looks like I've been caught out.
I can see him ahead. I could kill him, except of course he's already dead. All this time he's just been using me. What a pathetic excuse for a human being. I walk up to him, hissing, "I know exactly what you've been up to." He turns around and sneers, "Well, what would you have done? Remember, I'm you. You can't take the moral high ground, no matter what."
I am aware of this, which just makes it worse. I stare at him for a few moments, both of us silent, both watching the other suspiciously. Finally, I say, "That is it. No more. I'm having you switched off." I walk off, furious.
The inevitable has happened. It was only a matter of time; after all, his mind works in the same way as mine. I was bound to be discovered. Pity it was so soon. I don't regret it though. I bought myself some extra time. I may be a weasel and a coward, but weasels and cowards survive. I am going to be switched off, but at least it wasn't sooner.
He's been switched off now. And I am left alone, feeling used and gullible. I can't believe that I am so desperate for affection and understanding that I allowed myself to be fooled like that. Worse though, I am also trying to accept that I am capable of using someone like that. For, as he said, he was me. I am capable of using someone like that, of cheapening myself like that. Am I really as bad a person as that? Or is that me as I used to be, have I grown and changed as a person? I can't answer this question, I do not know how to deal with it. But I do know that I will be trying to for a long time to come.