Part 23
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School – Two days later
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"What can I say?" Katie asked shrugging playful as she and Jessie backed away from Tad and a few other assembled people. "Where goes Jessie, so goes my nation," she continued which was met by a chorus of whipping sounds being made.
"They're such punks," Katie commented once they were out of earshot of the others.
"You know you love them," Jessie replied smiling as Katie mock glared at the memory. Katie shrugged conceding Jessie's point.
"So, for what did I just get myself labeled P-whipped?" Katie asked as they continued down the hall. They'd all just been lounging around when Jessie had whispered to her that she wanted to talk to her alone, and now she found herself intensely curious as to what was on her girlfriends mind.
"P-whipped?" Jessie asked ignoring Katie's question for a moment.
"Yep. As far as everyone is concerned I am now officially the bottom in this relationship," Katie replied. "So this better be worth it."
"My moms leaving for some conference this afternoon and is gonna be gone all weekend," Jessie began willing her hands to stop shaking. "So, I'll basically have the place all to myself," she went on. "I was thinking that you should come over."
"Yeah," Katie agreed instantly, thinking that some quality time ALONE with Jessie couldn't be anything but of the good, already planning for sappy movies and multiple snuggles. "Sounds like good times."
"Okay," Jessie said realizing that she had made the right decision as soon as Katie responded positively the moment she had finished talking. Katie had said that she'd been fine with waiting, but that response had proven that she really didn't want to, because everyone knew that when you got invited over to your significant others empty house for the weekend it was equivalent to saying 'let's have sex'. "How about seven-ish?" Jessie continued.
"I'll be there," Katie replied smiling at her seeing 'Beaches' in their future. "Cause I simply refuse to be square."
"Oh that's not going to be a problem," Jessie muttered to herself, as the weight of planning for this evening began to settle across her shoulders.
"What?" Katie asked not quite being able to make out what Jessie had said.
"Nothing," Jessie replied. "What do you have next?"
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Karen's House – That Night
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Katie flipped through Karen's cd collection with quite a bit of interest as Jessie shuffled between running upstairs and downstairs. She'd tried asking Jessie what she was doing and if she wanted any help, but Jessie had repeatedly told her to just relax and she'd see soon enough. So, after a final finger wagging Katie had acquiesced and began looking at Karen's cd's, which were actually quite impressive as far as she was concerned.
"You're mom's got some great taste in music," Katie commented sensing Jessie as she walked into the living room.
"You think?" Jessie asked not really in the mood to make small talk. "She'll be happy to hear that," she continued steering the conversation away from anything that had to do with her mother. "Why don't you come upstairs, I want to show you something."
"Oh, field trip," Katie replied grinning at Jessie as she turned away from the cd rack.
Katie looked around the room in something close to awe. There were no lights on, but the room was softly lit by a dozen or so candles strategically placed around the room, and in the background she could hear the strings to some soft music playing, Sade or something like that. The room looked absolutely amazing, completely drenched in atmosphere. "Wow," she breathed out as Jessie slowly walked up to her. "This is incredib…" was all she managed to get out however, because Jessie's lips soon came to cover hers swallowing whatever she may have wanted to say, though truthfully the moment Jessie's lips touched hers she hadn't wanted to say anything anymore.
Katie arched into Jessie's touch as she felt her girlfriends hands begin to sneak under her shirt and she brought their lips together again. The feelings that were cursing through her body were almost overwhelming, everything that Jessie was doing to her just felt so good that she almost couldn't stand it. But there was something wrong, even though everything in her body seemed to be feeling right for like the first time ever, there was this shadow at the back of her mind telling her that something wasn't right. So finally, wishing that she could kick her own ass for stopping what they were doing, she pulled back from Jessie's lips stepping away from her to put a little space between them.
"What's…what's going on here?" she said her voice coming out in short gasps as she looked at Jessie, who's face was undetectable at the moment, making her think that she was definitely right to stop things.
"I would think that's fairly obvious," Jessie replied stepping towards Katie again.
"Yeah," Katie responded watching Jessie closely. "Everything's right out of 'Seduction 101'. What isn't obvious is why you're doing this when you clearly don't want to be," she continued still staring at Jessie. Jessie had been going through the motions, she'd been going through them really well, but there had been no passion behind them. She'd felt more raw affection from her girlfriend months ago when they'd just sat at the foot of Jessie's bed staring at each other, than she had moments ago.
"I don't see how anything I've done could be interpreted as not wanting to," Jessie replied stepping closer, taking Katie's hands into hers. "This was my idea after all."
"What changed?" Katie asked still uncertain. She wanted nothing more than to pick up where they'd left off, if Jessie truly wanted to, but she didn't think that Jessie wanted to, and she couldn't, she wouldn't go through with anything if that were the case. She just couldn't understand why Jessie would go to all of this trouble and then be so vacant.
"Listen," Jessie said her voice rising a little as she realized that Katie wasn't just going to let her get on with it. "If you don't want to sleep with me, just say so!"
"That's not it," Katie said reaching out for Jessie who'd pulled away from her, not knowing how Jessie could possibly believe that that could be anything that approached the truth. "You're just … you're not here with me," Katie continued. "You say you want to, but it's like your mind is somewhere else, like you're being forced into something, and I don't understand why you should feel like that. I mean did I do something to make you think you had to do this, even if you didn't want to?" Katie asked the mere implication that she may have made Jessie feel pressured into sleeping with her before she was ready cutting into her like a knife.
"I thought you wanted this?" Jessie asked closing her eyes and making them sting as she tried to contain her tears behind them. "Do you not need it anymore?"
"What?" Katie asked now completely lost. "I don't understand," she continued trying to draw Jessie into a hug, but stopping when her girlfriend resisted her pull. "What are you saying?"
"Nothing," Jessie muttered finally opening her eyes and moving around Katie to turn on the lights, humiliation settling over her uncomfortably, closely followed by extreme vulnerability.
"It's obviously not nothing," Katie said following Jessie to the door, and touching her on the arm lightly. "It's something, and I want to know what."
Jessie let out a small humorless grunt of laughter and shrugged out of Katie's grasp, her feelings of vulnerability putting her on the defensive. "You've been spending a lot of time with Sarah," she said softly moving back towards the center of the room.
"Sarah?" Katie asked completely befuddled. "What does Sarah have to do with any …" she began to say before pausing as a thought struck her. "You think she's trying to steal me away from you," Katie said softly, her eyes beginning to tear up as she glanced at Jessie whose wandering eyes indirectly confirmed what she had said. "By putting out," she continued her voice rising incredulously.
"God Jessie!" she exclaimed a moment later as she realized what the girl must have thinking, what was really going on. "I'm not sleeping with Sarah, I don't want to sleep with Sarah, and I never have," she continued, her nostrils flaring slightly as she tried to keep control of her temper, not wanting to say something she'd regret later. "If she was the last person on her earth, I'd rather dedicate my life to the study of seashells than sleep with her," she went on. "How can you not know this?" she asked with more than a touch of exasperation in her voice. "How can you still not know that you're absolutely the only person I ever think about? I mean is it me? Am I not telling you how I feel enough so that you actually think you have to whore yourself to me to get me to stay?" she asked running a head through her hair and thus missing Jessie's wince at her accurate but painful description of what she'd been trying to do.
"How many times do I have to tell you I don't care about the sex, I care about you. I want you, what's up here," Katie said touching her head blinking away some tears that were stinging her eyes, "and in here," she continued softly placing her hand over her heart. "Not," she continued a moment later, "what's in your pants," she finished bluntly shaking her head, as she wondered what it said about her, about Jessie, about their relationship that they were even having this conversation. From that day in the attic, she'd given Jessie all of the control and she'd continued by that prerogative always letting Jessie be the first to start things, to kiss her, to tell her mother about them, to ask her to the dance, to touch her in public for the first time at school, and anything and everything else. It just boggled her mind that Jessie still didn't understand this, didn't see that she had willingly given herself to her, that she couldn't understand that she really loved her as much as she said she did.
"I'm sorry," Jessie said reaching out for Katie only to have Katie remove her hand from Jessie's. "I wasn't thinking," she continued starting to panic as she saw Katie begin to retreat into herself. "I was just so scared, that I might lose you … I wasn't, I didn't…" Jessie finished trailing off lamely as she watched Katie watch her. She'd screwed up royally, she was aware of that fact now. All of her fears and her concerns, they were just that, HER fears and concerns. Nothing that she had worried about had even entered Katie's mind, and her implication that they may have were now hurting Katie which was something that she had never wanted to do. She just couldn't have fathomed that whatever she gave to Katie would've been enough, but she was realizing that whether she could fathom it or not, it was the truth.
Katie pressed the ball of her hand to the bridge of her nose wearily, finally breaking the eye contact between her and Jessie. She believed her girlfriend when she said she was scared, and she could clearly see that she was both upset and sorry, but she was also upset, and confused and wondering how the hell all of this could have happened.
"I know," Katie breathed out softly, finally dragging her hand away from her face. "But I have to go," she continued heading for the door. She needed some time alone, she had to think about things, and try and sort out the jumbled mess of thoughts filling her head.
"Don't, don't go," Jessie said reaching out for her again, her voice cracking as more tears slid down her face. "Please."
Katie carefully placed her hand over top of Jessie's squeezing it slightly before removing it from her arm. "I think we both need some time alone," she responded, wanting nothing more than to take Jessie into her arms but knowing that she wouldn't be able to stand it if she did. "I'll call you tomorrow," and with that she walked out of the bedroom door and headed for stairs, not once stopping to turn back knowing that if she did it would break whatever was left of her heart.
Jessie watched Katie's form disappear from sight, her eyes still watering as she stood there in something close to shock. She couldn't quite comprehend what I had just happened, except to know that somehow she had managed to screw things up to epic proportions. They were supposed to have gotten closer tonight, as close as possible, but instead she felt farther away from her girlfriend than she had ever since they'd met.
Stumbling back to her bed she sat down, just barely catching the edge of it and placed her head in her hands. God, what had she done?
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Comments would be very much appreciated, so if you can spare a second please tap, tap away! jbstories@hotmail.com
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School – Two days later
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"What can I say?" Katie asked shrugging playful as she and Jessie backed away from Tad and a few other assembled people. "Where goes Jessie, so goes my nation," she continued which was met by a chorus of whipping sounds being made.
"They're such punks," Katie commented once they were out of earshot of the others.
"You know you love them," Jessie replied smiling as Katie mock glared at the memory. Katie shrugged conceding Jessie's point.
"So, for what did I just get myself labeled P-whipped?" Katie asked as they continued down the hall. They'd all just been lounging around when Jessie had whispered to her that she wanted to talk to her alone, and now she found herself intensely curious as to what was on her girlfriends mind.
"P-whipped?" Jessie asked ignoring Katie's question for a moment.
"Yep. As far as everyone is concerned I am now officially the bottom in this relationship," Katie replied. "So this better be worth it."
"My moms leaving for some conference this afternoon and is gonna be gone all weekend," Jessie began willing her hands to stop shaking. "So, I'll basically have the place all to myself," she went on. "I was thinking that you should come over."
"Yeah," Katie agreed instantly, thinking that some quality time ALONE with Jessie couldn't be anything but of the good, already planning for sappy movies and multiple snuggles. "Sounds like good times."
"Okay," Jessie said realizing that she had made the right decision as soon as Katie responded positively the moment she had finished talking. Katie had said that she'd been fine with waiting, but that response had proven that she really didn't want to, because everyone knew that when you got invited over to your significant others empty house for the weekend it was equivalent to saying 'let's have sex'. "How about seven-ish?" Jessie continued.
"I'll be there," Katie replied smiling at her seeing 'Beaches' in their future. "Cause I simply refuse to be square."
"Oh that's not going to be a problem," Jessie muttered to herself, as the weight of planning for this evening began to settle across her shoulders.
"What?" Katie asked not quite being able to make out what Jessie had said.
"Nothing," Jessie replied. "What do you have next?"
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Karen's House – That Night
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Katie flipped through Karen's cd collection with quite a bit of interest as Jessie shuffled between running upstairs and downstairs. She'd tried asking Jessie what she was doing and if she wanted any help, but Jessie had repeatedly told her to just relax and she'd see soon enough. So, after a final finger wagging Katie had acquiesced and began looking at Karen's cd's, which were actually quite impressive as far as she was concerned.
"You're mom's got some great taste in music," Katie commented sensing Jessie as she walked into the living room.
"You think?" Jessie asked not really in the mood to make small talk. "She'll be happy to hear that," she continued steering the conversation away from anything that had to do with her mother. "Why don't you come upstairs, I want to show you something."
"Oh, field trip," Katie replied grinning at Jessie as she turned away from the cd rack.
Katie looked around the room in something close to awe. There were no lights on, but the room was softly lit by a dozen or so candles strategically placed around the room, and in the background she could hear the strings to some soft music playing, Sade or something like that. The room looked absolutely amazing, completely drenched in atmosphere. "Wow," she breathed out as Jessie slowly walked up to her. "This is incredib…" was all she managed to get out however, because Jessie's lips soon came to cover hers swallowing whatever she may have wanted to say, though truthfully the moment Jessie's lips touched hers she hadn't wanted to say anything anymore.
Katie arched into Jessie's touch as she felt her girlfriends hands begin to sneak under her shirt and she brought their lips together again. The feelings that were cursing through her body were almost overwhelming, everything that Jessie was doing to her just felt so good that she almost couldn't stand it. But there was something wrong, even though everything in her body seemed to be feeling right for like the first time ever, there was this shadow at the back of her mind telling her that something wasn't right. So finally, wishing that she could kick her own ass for stopping what they were doing, she pulled back from Jessie's lips stepping away from her to put a little space between them.
"What's…what's going on here?" she said her voice coming out in short gasps as she looked at Jessie, who's face was undetectable at the moment, making her think that she was definitely right to stop things.
"I would think that's fairly obvious," Jessie replied stepping towards Katie again.
"Yeah," Katie responded watching Jessie closely. "Everything's right out of 'Seduction 101'. What isn't obvious is why you're doing this when you clearly don't want to be," she continued still staring at Jessie. Jessie had been going through the motions, she'd been going through them really well, but there had been no passion behind them. She'd felt more raw affection from her girlfriend months ago when they'd just sat at the foot of Jessie's bed staring at each other, than she had moments ago.
"I don't see how anything I've done could be interpreted as not wanting to," Jessie replied stepping closer, taking Katie's hands into hers. "This was my idea after all."
"What changed?" Katie asked still uncertain. She wanted nothing more than to pick up where they'd left off, if Jessie truly wanted to, but she didn't think that Jessie wanted to, and she couldn't, she wouldn't go through with anything if that were the case. She just couldn't understand why Jessie would go to all of this trouble and then be so vacant.
"Listen," Jessie said her voice rising a little as she realized that Katie wasn't just going to let her get on with it. "If you don't want to sleep with me, just say so!"
"That's not it," Katie said reaching out for Jessie who'd pulled away from her, not knowing how Jessie could possibly believe that that could be anything that approached the truth. "You're just … you're not here with me," Katie continued. "You say you want to, but it's like your mind is somewhere else, like you're being forced into something, and I don't understand why you should feel like that. I mean did I do something to make you think you had to do this, even if you didn't want to?" Katie asked the mere implication that she may have made Jessie feel pressured into sleeping with her before she was ready cutting into her like a knife.
"I thought you wanted this?" Jessie asked closing her eyes and making them sting as she tried to contain her tears behind them. "Do you not need it anymore?"
"What?" Katie asked now completely lost. "I don't understand," she continued trying to draw Jessie into a hug, but stopping when her girlfriend resisted her pull. "What are you saying?"
"Nothing," Jessie muttered finally opening her eyes and moving around Katie to turn on the lights, humiliation settling over her uncomfortably, closely followed by extreme vulnerability.
"It's obviously not nothing," Katie said following Jessie to the door, and touching her on the arm lightly. "It's something, and I want to know what."
Jessie let out a small humorless grunt of laughter and shrugged out of Katie's grasp, her feelings of vulnerability putting her on the defensive. "You've been spending a lot of time with Sarah," she said softly moving back towards the center of the room.
"Sarah?" Katie asked completely befuddled. "What does Sarah have to do with any …" she began to say before pausing as a thought struck her. "You think she's trying to steal me away from you," Katie said softly, her eyes beginning to tear up as she glanced at Jessie whose wandering eyes indirectly confirmed what she had said. "By putting out," she continued her voice rising incredulously.
"God Jessie!" she exclaimed a moment later as she realized what the girl must have thinking, what was really going on. "I'm not sleeping with Sarah, I don't want to sleep with Sarah, and I never have," she continued, her nostrils flaring slightly as she tried to keep control of her temper, not wanting to say something she'd regret later. "If she was the last person on her earth, I'd rather dedicate my life to the study of seashells than sleep with her," she went on. "How can you not know this?" she asked with more than a touch of exasperation in her voice. "How can you still not know that you're absolutely the only person I ever think about? I mean is it me? Am I not telling you how I feel enough so that you actually think you have to whore yourself to me to get me to stay?" she asked running a head through her hair and thus missing Jessie's wince at her accurate but painful description of what she'd been trying to do.
"How many times do I have to tell you I don't care about the sex, I care about you. I want you, what's up here," Katie said touching her head blinking away some tears that were stinging her eyes, "and in here," she continued softly placing her hand over her heart. "Not," she continued a moment later, "what's in your pants," she finished bluntly shaking her head, as she wondered what it said about her, about Jessie, about their relationship that they were even having this conversation. From that day in the attic, she'd given Jessie all of the control and she'd continued by that prerogative always letting Jessie be the first to start things, to kiss her, to tell her mother about them, to ask her to the dance, to touch her in public for the first time at school, and anything and everything else. It just boggled her mind that Jessie still didn't understand this, didn't see that she had willingly given herself to her, that she couldn't understand that she really loved her as much as she said she did.
"I'm sorry," Jessie said reaching out for Katie only to have Katie remove her hand from Jessie's. "I wasn't thinking," she continued starting to panic as she saw Katie begin to retreat into herself. "I was just so scared, that I might lose you … I wasn't, I didn't…" Jessie finished trailing off lamely as she watched Katie watch her. She'd screwed up royally, she was aware of that fact now. All of her fears and her concerns, they were just that, HER fears and concerns. Nothing that she had worried about had even entered Katie's mind, and her implication that they may have were now hurting Katie which was something that she had never wanted to do. She just couldn't have fathomed that whatever she gave to Katie would've been enough, but she was realizing that whether she could fathom it or not, it was the truth.
Katie pressed the ball of her hand to the bridge of her nose wearily, finally breaking the eye contact between her and Jessie. She believed her girlfriend when she said she was scared, and she could clearly see that she was both upset and sorry, but she was also upset, and confused and wondering how the hell all of this could have happened.
"I know," Katie breathed out softly, finally dragging her hand away from her face. "But I have to go," she continued heading for the door. She needed some time alone, she had to think about things, and try and sort out the jumbled mess of thoughts filling her head.
"Don't, don't go," Jessie said reaching out for her again, her voice cracking as more tears slid down her face. "Please."
Katie carefully placed her hand over top of Jessie's squeezing it slightly before removing it from her arm. "I think we both need some time alone," she responded, wanting nothing more than to take Jessie into her arms but knowing that she wouldn't be able to stand it if she did. "I'll call you tomorrow," and with that she walked out of the bedroom door and headed for stairs, not once stopping to turn back knowing that if she did it would break whatever was left of her heart.
Jessie watched Katie's form disappear from sight, her eyes still watering as she stood there in something close to shock. She couldn't quite comprehend what I had just happened, except to know that somehow she had managed to screw things up to epic proportions. They were supposed to have gotten closer tonight, as close as possible, but instead she felt farther away from her girlfriend than she had ever since they'd met.
Stumbling back to her bed she sat down, just barely catching the edge of it and placed her head in her hands. God, what had she done?
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Comments would be very much appreciated, so if you can spare a second please tap, tap away! jbstories@hotmail.com