Disclaimer: I don't own anything.
Author's Note: This is a little late and not very creative, but I was on Spring Break and my brain is fried. At least I'll get to see drunk pictures of Briské and post them on my website. J
Middle Earth Herald
Lord of the Rings fans riot, make obscure references to the books that no one can understand
Los Angeles-- Tragedy struck last night after the seventy-fourth annual Academy Awards were handed out at the Kodak Theater in Hollywood. When "Lord of the Ring: The Fellowship of the Rings," (a film set here in Middle Earth and starring native actors such as Frodo Baggins, Sam Gamgee, and international heartthrob Legolas Greenleaf) was denied what Lord of the Rings fans deemed the "important" awards such as Best Picture, Best Director and Best Supporting Actor for local wizard Gandalf, crowds of college students and computer programmers alike took to the streets in what became an orgy of bloody carnage.
According to Los Angeles secretary Elaine Kipnicks, who made the near-fatal mistake of stopping by a cyber café to "grab a cup of coffee and catch the end of the Oscars," the college students spending their Sunday nights at the café wearing shirts with "Frodo Lives" emblazoned on them and wielding signs of "Lord of the Rings Rules, Man!" turned murderous when "A Beautiful Mind" walked away with the award for Best Picture. Says Kipnicks, "I didn't see what the big deal was, I mean, I thought it was a great movie and Russell Crowe did such an amazing job." Her enthusiasm for the film was soon curbed when a lanky man wearing glasses started hitting her and eventually bit her finger off. "I was so scared," said Kipnicks, "Nobody had ever bitten my finger off before." The men in the cyber café began overturning computers and smashed the TV in disgust. They then proceeded to the local drug store to buy spray paint, but found that the drug store did not, in fact, carry spray paint. Their second attempt to purchase paint was successful however, and they soon vandalized the walls with sayings like, "Kill Opie" and "Death to the Evil Incarnate that is Jim Broadbent."
Actions such as this occurred all over the United States on Oscar night. At the University of Michigan, the Honors College computer labs were vandalized and the library set on fire in retaliation. At Northwestern University, similar violent activities occurred. When asked for comment, one unidentified vandal shouted above the towering inferno and the mad screamings and ravings of the "Lord of the Rings" fans, "I can't believe LOTR didn't win! That's so, like, completely unfair! Hollywood just has a thing against good movies! Well, they suck. I'd like to see them fight a Balrog and then be reincarnated!" At the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, student Phinneas Jones said, "Those Academy people are just discriminating against LOTR because it's fantasy! I bet they wouldn't survive one day in the Mines of Moria. We'll show them when we send computer viruses to all their offices and shut that town down!" In South Bend, Connecticut, a group of comic book store owners loaded up a truck and set off to a mental hospital where they set fire to the eyebrows of an unidentified number of shizophrenics.
Interestingly, most who partook in the violent and bloody riots were male, over the age of eighteen, had an IQ of over 120 and lived either alone or with a parent. "Middle Earth Herald" will have more on this story as it develops.