Disclaimer: See previous part
Rating: lightest one possible (forgot which)
PART 1: All That Can Go Wrong & All That Can Go Right.
Chapter One: A Scattered Heart.
She had worked all morning and was looking forward to see Will again. Just one counseling session to go.
Lt. McKenzie to Counselor Troi.
"Yes Alex?"
Counselor, I'm afraid I have to cancel my session. I'm not yet done here.
He couldn't have picked a better time.
"That's alright, I'll see you tomorrow at 15.00 hours than."
I'll be there, thank you Counselor.
Deanna quickly stored her files and went to her quarters. There she put on her beautiful beige dress, brushed her hair and after asking the computer the location of Riker she headed off for Ten-Forward.
She would be an hour early, but she was sure Will wouldn't mind.
She entered Ten-Forward and looked around, she spotted Will on the other side; he was talking to a crewmember that came onboard two weeks ago. The woman, she forgot her name, was an old friend of his, she knew that, she also knew they had been romantically involved. Will had assured her that they were just friends now.
They both bursted into laughs and Will grabbed the woman's hands
As she was walking towards them, she suddenly became aware of their emotions: anxiety, affection, love and desire.
She stood still, not sure how to react. The feelings Will had for the woman were clearly more than friendship and vice versa. A whelm of anger came up, she wanted to go over there, confront him with his feelings, his betrayal. She even wanted slap him in his face. But trained to keep her own emotions under control she put her mask on and walked away. The greater the distance between them, the harder she ran.
When she finally had reached her quarters she wasn't able to keep her mask on any longer. Hardly aware of what she was doing she sat on a chair, in front of the window. Her black eyes turned glassy and her mind worked on an incredible speed.
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Things had seemed to be going so well between her and Will. Since the reviving of their relationship during the Ba'Ku mission they'd decided to give each other another chance. The past fourteen months had been wonderful. Even though they never told anyone the others quickly found out. According to Beverly one 'could see it on the other side of the quadrant'. Because everybody knew it was a lot easier. The Captain had given them a little speech about making sure that their relation did not affect their professional lives, but aside from that nobody made a point of it.
A few months ago, she practically moved in with Will. Using his quarters to sleep and eat and hers to store the things that they didn't need daily.
The first few months she had felt a bit insecure, they had tried to build up a relation before, it never worked out. She didn't know what to expect this time. But as the weeks past by she regained her confidence and pushed away her fears.
She really thought it would work out this time. But now, things had changed. She still couldn't comprehend. "How could he do this?"
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Counselor Troi, please report to Main Bridge immediately. The Captain's call pulled her back to reality.
"Now Sir?"
Yes Counselor, now.
He sounded irritated.
"I'll be right there."
She wondered what was going on up there. When she opened her fists to wipe off her tears she realized that they were bleeding. Her nails had dug deep wounds in her palms. Little trails of blood streamed down to her wrists. For a moment she froze at the sight of her red hands. Than she quickly walked to her wash table and began to wash of the blood. Fortunately made the cold water the bleeding stop. After making sure there was no blood left to be seen by others she changed her dress for her uniform and left her quarters.
On her way up she figured that since Will hadn't come to calm her or to explain the situation to her, they probably hadn't noticed her. Probably because they only had eyes for one another. The longer she thought about it, the more betrayed and hurt she felt, the more furious she became.
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"Ah, Counselor, there you are." The Captain was standing next to Data at the helm. She clearly sensed the Captain's curiosity.
"We have just received a urgent ComLink from Starfleet Headquarters."
"Oh, what's in it?"
"We don't know yet." Did the Captain expect her to be able to tell what was inside? They never specially called her when they had to open a ComLink.
"You haven't opened it yet?" 'O heck, no games now.' Restless and irritated she shifted from one leg on the other. The Captain noticed all the Counselor's answer where short and sounded irritated.
"I can't open it, it's for you." Deanna was surprised, for her? 'Oh, please not another psychological report for all admirals.' She rolled her eyes in despair, a movement not unnoticed by Picard. The Captain told her she could use his Ready Room; the ComLink had already been patched through.
The Android and the bald man watched her as she walked to the Ready Room and disappeared inside. Both had noticed that something was different about her; neither of them could place it.
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Will was still in Ten-Forward, Sheila had just left. It was very important that Deanna didn't see them together. At least not yet.
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"Computer, open ComLink, authorization Troi-Delta-Two-Nine." The image of admiral Necheyev appeared on screen.
"Admiral." The Betazoid hoped fiercely that she wouldn't have to make another psychological report on Starfleet's admirals.
Commander Troi." 'Commander?' Deanna frowned; it had been a long time since someone called her Commander. Will used her rank occasionally, to tease her... Will.
It was quiet for a few moments. The admiral didn't know how to begin, Deanna didn't want to.
Commander, what I wanted to talk to you about is...
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Right than the admiral's offer seemed perfect. She would be away for a while, away from Will, from her memories. That was exactly what she needed, some time for herself to think everything over.
Something inside her told her, or warned her, not to except the offer that easily. She was aware that the admiral was holding information back; Deanna felt she even feared being asked about it. Normally that would have made her very cautious. At his point in time, she couldn't care less.
She was supposed to meet Will in ten minutes in Ten-Forward. Deanna wondered if, if the woman was still with him.
As she walked out his Ready Room he asked her how it went. As an answer he just got and distract and irritated sounding 'fine'. As the doors of the Turbolift closed one could see the surprise on his face.
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On her way to her quarters she had to fight to keep control. Therefore she didn't notice the strange looks people gave her, nor did she notice almost running over Beverly in one of the corridors. She felt an incredible amount of anger coming up. In her quarters her emotions took control. She threw around with everything she encountered. Vases, sculptures and books flew through the air, than fell on the floor and splashed apart. Her hands had started bleeding again, harder than before. Traces of blood were left behind on nearly everything she touched. When she picked up the necklace Will gave her almost a year ago memories invaded her mind.
///"I'm not good at picking presents Counselor. I hope you'll like it." He felt a bit insecure.
"Thank you Sir."
They were on the Holodeck, celebrating her birthday. The setting was, of course, lake El'Nar on Betazed. The entire Senior Staff was present, except for Will; he would be a little late. The Captain had given her a book about the ancient Greek civilization on Earth. She put the book with her other presents: a sculpture from Data symbolizing 'congratulations', flowers and chocolate from Geordi because he 'was even worse at picking presents than the Captain', self bred plants from Beverly and Klingon poetry from Worf.
Eagerly awaiting Will's arrival she kept an eye at the doors. He had been teasing her several days with her birthday, making her curious about his present.
Finally, after waiting an eternity he entered the Holodeck. After he congratulated her for the second time (he'd done it that morning when they woke up) he gave her her present in a rather special way: he kneeled down in front of her, lifting up a flat box, wrapped in silver paper. As he handed over her present he asked, "Deanna, will you become my official date?" The love and hope emanating from him struck her when she looked into his beautiful blue gaze and stole her breath for several seconds.
"Yes, I do."\\\
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She remembered how happy she felt that day, how perfect her life had seemed. Of course Beverly asked them once again when the wedding would be, and of course Will smoothly changed the subject. She made a decision, if he_would_ask she'd accept. They had had too many missed chances because either of them hesitated.
Things felt so right at the time...
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Uncontrollable crying now, she lay down on her bed. After a while Deanna fell asleep, exhausted by crying and her hands clenched into fists again.
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In Ten Forward Will checked the time. Twelve minutes until Deanna came. He could use that time to make some adjustments Sheila suggested to his Holodeck program. No, he wouldn't. He couldn't risk getting caught.
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When she awakened she had only ten minutes left before she was supposed to be on the Holodeck, forty minutes ago she should've been in Ten Forward. Blood had hardened on her hands, leaving traces and piles of a deep red substance. Under a stream of cold water she washed the dry piles of blood away. The eight little wounds themselves were quite an eye catcher much to her dismay. 'How am I going to explain_this_to Beverly?' Going to Sickbay was out of the question, she would have to explain the small lacerations than which wasn't exactly something she was up to just now.
While she was doing her hair she suddenly became aware of Will's present.
*Door bleeps* "Deanna, let me in" All the anger and pain she experienced that day came rushing in again. Tears stung behind her eyes but she refused to let them flow.
"Deanna open up, I know you're in there." He was irritated, even a bit angry but also concerned. Now she stood with her back against the doors, her eyes closed, thinking about what to do.
"Why didn't you show up?"
"I did. ... not." She wasn't ready to confront him yet. "I was busy."
"You could have given me a sign."
"I, I forgot." Again a tear rolled down. She didn't want to hear his voice, to feel his emotions, let alone to look him in the eyes.
"You know, this conversation would be a lot easier if you'd let me in." She couldn't keep it up for much longer and she sensed he became impatient.
"Deanna," She would be late for Mok'Ba'Rah. Deanna wiped away a tear, took a deep breath and opened the doors.
"That's bet-ter." She didn't even look at him; she walked straight into the Turbolift. Confused he followed her. "Where are you going?" Just before the doors closed he got a cold reply "I have an appointment." For some reason he shivered. Something was terribly wrong. Deanna was very upset; he had no idea what could have caused it. But he was more concerned about her showing it. He had learned through the years that she dealt with her own problems in silence. She had built some sort of wall around her emotions. What could have caused that wall to break down?
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Deanna put the Turbolift to a halt; she needed a moment to pull herself together. She checked her hands, luckily she had put them in her pockets during her encounter with Will preventing herself from opening the wounds again.
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Will thought about how he should handle her while he was enroute to the Bridge. If he would ask her about what was wrong she would evade his questions, she always did. But it was different this time. Normally she hid her own emotions, dealt with them in silence. Now she clearly showed that something bothered her. He_wanted_to help, but he knew her well enough to know she wouldn't allow him to.
Since their time on Betazed she had_always_shielded part of her mind for him. What happened then made her cautious, maybe even scared, to open her mind fully to others again. It had taken him years to realize how much he had hurt her back then. He decided to leave her alone for a couple of days give her the opportunity to sort it out herself and he could only hope she'd ask him for help. If not he would confront her. While thinking all of this over, his concern grew.
"Number One, you're right on time. We will receive new mission-data at 1530h. If you need me I'll be in my quarters."
"Aye Sir." He should cancel his appointments with Sheila; Deanna needed his full attention now.
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"Deanna, you're late." Beverly tried to seem to be angry but she couldn't help smiling.
"Yes I know, five minutes." The Betazoid replied coldly and started doing her exercises carefully keeping the insides of her hands out of the Doctor's sight. Beverly wasn't sure whether Deanna just acted angry of whether she really was wicked about something. Beverly waited for the laughs to come, but they didn't. For ten minutes each of them worked in silence. Deanna's eyes revealed no emotion, nor did her face. Something about that concerned the red-haired.
"So, ehm, how was your day?" The silence had been broken.
"O, just great!" This was the first time she heard so much sarcasm in Deanna's voice. Deanna let her arms fall along her body and angrily tipped her head backwards while a devilish, hysterical laugh filled the air around her.
"Are you alright?"
"Hmm? Oh, I'm fine." A forced smile appeared on Deanna's face.
"Are you sure?"
"Beverly, I dó know how I feel!" Beverly startled. Deanna fussing someone out like this? Deanna immediately apologized.
"I'm sorry Bev. I didn't mean to react like that. I've just had a rather bad day. I'm sorry." There was that forced smile again. Deanna sensed Beverly didn't believe her but she did not intend to explain her behaviour. The smile disappeared and both returned to their exercises.
Beverly knew it was more than 'just a bad day'. Deanna always managed to put her own feelings aside, to postpone them so they wouldn't interfere with her professional life. This time the emotions were obviously too strong to hide and_that_,_wasn't_a good sign. Beverly had realized years ago that one day, this might happen, that Deanna wouldn't be able to deal with her emotions alone and that she_did_need help. She had discussed her concern with Jean-Luc and Will several times and they both shared her concern. She had also talked with Deanna about it and she had assured her she would not let it happen. Deanna always changed the subject as soon as possible if the conversation was about her having problems. She never allowed anyone to help her, they all knew that. Beverly had told her many times 'it's no scandal when a counselor needs help herself, after all they're also human like the rest of us". Deanna had never replied to that. Beverly had to find out what caused Deanna to behave like this before she could help her.
"How are things going between you and Will?" Deanna looked embittered. Aside from that there wasn't the slightest response.
"Have the two of you been arguing?" Still no reaction though even her movements expressed her anger now. Beverly lowered her voice
"Deanna, what's bothering you?" The fury beamed off her face. She grabbed her towel. Her movements were brusque, her long ebony curls danced wildly on her back. Before she left she looked Beverly straight in the eyes. In Deanna's eyes she could almost see the fire. For a moment, Beverly feared her.
She held still for a while, trying to get her emotions under control. On the Holodeck her emotions almost, almost came to a head.
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"Will, I need to speak with you."
"About what?" He replied, surprised with the hurry in her voice.
"About Counselor Troi." He jumped up from his chair.
"Is something wrong with her?"
"Nothing physical if that is what you mean." From his reaction she could tell he knew what she meant.
"We'll talk in the Ready Room."
"Doctor Crusher to Captain Picard."
Yes Doctor?
"Captain could you come to your Ready Room, there's someone I want to talk to you about."
I'm on my way. He stored his flute. He thought he already knew about whom she wanted to talk. In fact, if no one else would have started about it, he would've.
"Will, before Jean-Luc gets here, have you and Deanna been fighting?" He answered instantly
"No, we haven't. She seemed perfectly fine when she left this morning. I've only seen her very briefly since." The doors slid aside and the Captain of the Enterprise-E walked in.
"Doctor, Number One."
"Sir." They replied in common.
"Now, about who did you want to talk?" He straightened his uniform and raised his left eyebrow.
"About Counselor Troi Sir."
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In her office was Deanna going through the information admiral Necheyev had sent her. She had closed her mind so the emotions of those on the ship wouldn't distract her; her own thoughts and emotions performed that job just fine.
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That they had discussed this matter before proved to be of good help. Now that their prediction had come true, they were prepared. Now they needed to pinpoint the cause of Deanna's breakdown.
They exchanged thoughts but weren't able to determine the cause.
"Number One, are you sure you haven't missed something?"
"I can't think of anything." It was quiet for a few moments. Each of them plunged in their thoughts.
"I don't know Deanna as good as you do Will, but I know her well enough to know she will not allow anyone to help her." The Captain was the first to break the silence.
"A counselor counsels, if she herself needs to be counseled she isn't a good counselor." That sentence just popped up. The two men looked at her in a rather strange way.
"Deanna told me that once, a long time ago." She explained.
"If that's how Deanna feels about it than..."
"All we have to do is make her change her mind." Will finished the Captain's sentence. Beverly and Jean-Luc frowned. 'How simple it seems...' They all knew that making Deanna change her mind wouldn't be half as easy as it sounded.
"Okay, but what can we do for now?" Again silence
"Well..." Will began hesitatingly.
"If we would make an attempt to help or confront her, she will reject us. In that case we'll probably achieve the exact opposite from what we're hoping to achieve." He sighed deeply and had a desperate look in his eyes.
"But if we wait, we run the risk of being too late to help her at all." The female countered
"You're right of course. You have spoken to her not so long ago, haven't you?"
"Yes, I did. She evaded my questions. Her anger just beamed of her face, she was embittered and cattish."
"I've had several complaints from crewmembers about her behaviour."
"Complaints?"
"Well a combination of concern and complaint actually." Beverly and Will saw Jean-Luc was working on a conclusion, therefore they kept quiet.
"Well than, I think we should give her sometime for herself. If she doesn't seem better in two days we will talk to her about it. In the mean time we'll have to keep an eye on her. You're dismissed." It sounded logical, she had to admit. After all Will knew Deanna better then anyone. But there were things he didn't know or understand.
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Deanna was, instead of reading the information, thinking about the past.
///She was having lunch with her friends in one of the parks surrounding Betazed's university. A few meters behind them stood a group of young men, not much older than they were. One of them, probably the youngest had taken an interest in her but he was too shy to introduce himself to her. They had seen him for the past four days. Her friends teased her; they conveyed his thoughts to her; while talking aloud. They usually communicated verbally because Deanna's psilo-synine production lobe hadn't fully developed, therefore communicating telepathically constantly exhausted her.
~Our 'friend' likes you. You know, he thinks you're very beautiful.~ It flattered her.
"Gee, that class was boring! Triax definitely needs to work on his charisma."
"Give her a break will you, she's new and not much older than we are." Deanna fell back in her 'protecting-modus' as her friends had dubbed it.
~Sarah, will you stop this.~
"Well, maybe not technically..." The half-Betazoid picked up an Zia and threw it to her friends.
"That'll teach you." But Sarah also picked one and threw it back to her; a Zia fight broke loose, the little blue berry-like balls flew through the air and the girls good hardly keep themselves from falling on the ground from luaghing. Tears streamed down their faces.
From a distance Will watched the fight with interest. Even from this distance her could see her eyes sparkling with laughter. She was without a doubt the most beautiful creature he had ever seen.
~Come on Dee, go talk to him.~ But she was too shy. Of course her friends had picked that up very quickly. Their fight had seized and each of them was busy tho catch their breath.
~Dee, we know you like him, just admit it.~ She looked at him, but quickle cast her eyes down when she realized that he had been watching them all a long.
~Well, he is looking good isn't he?~ From under her long eyelashes she looked at him again, making sure he didn't see her gaze.
"We have to go, class starts again in 10 minutes." ~I bet he'll be there tomorrow.~ Her friends started walking towards him. To exit the park they didn't have to pass him at all, but naturally they found away to pass him after all. And when they did her friends had their comments ready.
~Dee, you sure picked one with a nice ass.~ She had never been so happy about communicating telepathically. They quickly walked further, giggling. He turned around to find out why they were laughing. That was the first time she looked him in the eyes, embarrassed and nervous she looked down and took off, leaving him wondering what was so funny. That ignorance made him feel insecure.\\\
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Deanna pulled herself back to the present, back to reality. She had to think of an excuse for not being with Will this evening.
"Troi to Riker, I'm having dinner with Beverly tonight, don't wait up." It was a short and cattish message. She didn't give him the chance to respond. He was about to re-establish com-communications when he remembered what they had agreed on that afternoon. He had just returned from Sheila, he had explained to her why they couldn't see each other for a while. She was disappointed. She enjoyed the time they had together, running the risk of being caught by Deanna, the complexity and tension it brought to her life. But she understood his reasoning.
Will hoped Beverly would be able to figure out what was bothering Deanna.
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In contrary to what Will believed Deanna wasn't having dinner with Beverly, it was merely a deceive so he wouldn't come looking for her. It was a precaution, she didn't expect him to, he would probably see it as an opportunity to spend the evening with his secret girlfriend. Tears welled up again. In her hands she had a picture, she and Will were both on it. It had been taken a few days after they first met. She became lost in thoughts yet again.
~D~