Disclaimer: like I said before: have a look at the first part
Rating: PG I think…
Chapter Three: The Darkness of the Soul.
It was quiet on the Bridge, there was nothing to do but to keep the Enterprise on course. Geordi and Data had run a complete check up on the engines for the past two days. When they had finished they would check the computer system. Will thought about Deanna, he desperately wanted to find out what was bothering her and why she avoided him. He also thought about Sheila, he regretted they couldn't continue what they had started for now, but they couldn't risk Deanna finding out. When they had started they were aware of that risk and had taken the necessary precautions. He wondered if Deanna had noticed him slipping out their quarters at night. Normally he would've met Sheila now, but in her current status Deanna was unpredictable. Too impatient to wait any longer he relinquished command to one of the lieutenants and went to Sickbay.
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On the Holodeck Deanna had tried to do some Mok'Ba'Rha exercises but she wasn't able to concentrate good enough. Now she had started a program her mother gave her a long time ago, the day after Will had pulled off the wedding to be precise. In that time she had also experienced immense, uncontrollable fury. For two days she had been acting devilish, and that was an understatement. She had fussed out anyone at any given time; complete stranger who just happen to cross her way, professors, her mother and even her closest friends. They understood her and gave her the time and space she needed. It was in those days her mother had given her the program. You could compare it to some kind of boxing but it wasn't the same. It were the days afterwards that had concerned those around her the most: she didn't talk for almost a week, she didn't express emotions and hardly ate. She could stare into empty space for hours without making the slightest movement. It took her more than a week back than before she started to talk, and later to laugh again. Slowly but gradually the life energy she once had returned. She had never thought that one person could cause such a hell lot of pain. And still the pain inside her hadn't fully healed. With what happened during the last days she didn't believe it would ever heal; she would never trust anyone enough to trust him with her heart.
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"Beverly," Will walked Sickbay in.
"Will, what can I do for you?" "I wanted to talk to you about last night."
"Last night?" She looked amazed, not understanding why he wanted to talk about last night.
"About your dinner with Deanna." He explained. Now she looked even more incomprehensive.
"I didn't have dinner with Deanna." Now it was his turn to be surprised.
"But she told me that..." Suddenly he realised Deanna had used the dinner as an excuse to avoid him. He rushed out off Sickbay, he had to find out what was wrong with Deanna.
"Computer, locate Counselor Troi."
Counselor Troi is on Holodeck 4. Will speeded up, heading for the Holodeck.
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The doors of the Holodeck weren't locked, he could easily walk in. Deanna stood with her back towards the doors, he was approaching her from behind, not able to see what she was doing. Her movements however expressed a great deal of anger. Deanna hadn't noticed his presence, he was now only a few steps behind her.
"Deanna," He whispered so he wouldn't startle her. But she didn't react. Maybe she hadn't heard him.
"Deanna," He said, a bit louder this time but still she didn't react.
"Deanna!" He now raised his voice. She brusquely turned around. The expression on her face frightened him. Her eyes shot fire but tears were streaming over her face.
"What!" She shouted on the top of her voice.
"What?" Her voice gave him a fright. To calm her down he laid his hand on her shoulder, angrily she pushed him away. He narrowed his eyes, and tried to look her in the face.
"Deanna, what is wrong? Why are you so upset?"
"Like you don't know!" She said sarcastic. Her answer came quick in contradiction to what he had expected. But what did she mean?
"I don't." She looked at him with disbelieve.
"Did you really believe I wouldn't find out? Did you really believe I didn't notice you slipped out of our quarters at night! That you were hiding feelings and emotions for me!" She was throwing her temper now; she was more outrageous than he had ever seen her before.
"Deanna what are you talking about?" Will had no idea what she meant. His ignorant behaviour infuriated her even more.
"I hope you and Sheila have a good time together!" She said disgusted. Now Will realized what had up set her.
"Me and Sheila? You think I am involved with Sheila?" He saw her arm rising, the fury in her eyes. He felt the sudden pain in her cheek. Deanna had slapped him in the face. For the first time in her life she had hit some one and she didn't regret it.
"Don't lie Will! Anything but lies!" Her voice lowered. She was exhausted and felt she couldn't take this much longer. Will felt guilty for causing her so much pain.
"Deanna, I'm sorry, I really am" Deanna shook her head, she seemed almost neurotic. She turned her back to him.
"Sorry won't help anymore. I've accepted that too often. We've tried Will, we've tried over and over again. Every time I hoped it would work out but every time you found a way to diminish that hope." She spoke calmly now, embittered.
"I didn't mean to."
"Of course_you_didn't_! You_NEVER_meant to but you_ALWAYS_ALWAYS_did! I'm sure you also never meant to become involved with Sheila either! Let alone you meant me to find out! You never meant to humiliate me like this, you_NEVER_meant_ANYTHING!!!" He never thought she could be this furious.
"You could at least have told be instead of screwing around behind my back." She spoke with a low voice again.
"Maybe than I would have understand." She sounded pitiful, sullen and hurt. Tears were rolling down again.
"18 years,_18_years Will and now this."
"But I love you."
"You told me that before, we both know what happened." He laid his hand on her shoulder, she let him.
"We were young, we made mistakes." His comment brought up her anger. She shook his hand off, he immediately regretted saying it.
"What was a mistake? You leaving or our relation in general?" She sobbed it out. He walked around her so he could look at her face.
"Meeting you, falling in love with you was the most fantastic thing ever." Deanna sensed he meant that and sighed.
"Than why the betrayal? The hurting?" He was sorry for her, he felt guilty about everything. Deanna picked that up.
"Deanna, you have to believe me, I'm not, nor was I ever involved with Sheila." She no longer looked at him. "No lies." She whispered. "Don't you_DARE_to lie to me! Why do you keep lying?! You feel guilty, I can tell! Stop lying to me!" She was yelling again. How foolish of him, of course she sensed his emotions. And now she was so upset the chances she misinterpreted them had only drastically grown. "Let me explain."
"There is nothing to explain, it's all perfectly clear. It's over." She threw him one last furious glance and walked away.
"Deanna! You_owe_me a chance to explain!" The furious Betazoid froze in her steps, with frightening self-control she slowly turned around and walked back. Her return relieved him at first but when he became aware of her icy-calmness his relief was replaced by fear. Deanna had approached him until they were only inches apart. Agonizing slow she lifted her head up and captured his blue, scared gaze. Her eyes were darker then normal, full of venom.
"I...don't_owe_you_anything_William Thomas Riker." The bitterness and fury in her oh so calm voice made his heart stop beating. He didn't dare to move let alone to make a sound.
"_You_owe_me." 'I owe her? And exactly what would I owe her?' Riker didn't dare to ask it, but amazingly enough Deanna picked it up despite her fury.
"You_OWE_me HALF MY HEART!!! MY SOUL!!!" The immense fury and venom in her eyes had disappeared, instead there was an incredible amount of pain and tears pathed a way down her cheeks. Will felt himself shrink by the pain in her eyes. He_was_the one that had caused it. He_was_the one that had broken her heart all those years ago and he_was_the one that was breaking her heart right now.
"You took it with you to where ever you went when you had_promised_me to meet me on Risa." She blamed him...but weren't there always TWO people who made decisions in a relation? And hadn't_she_been the one who told him it was alright? Suddenly he felt wrong about letting her blame him, wrong about her self-pity.
"Wait a minute; YOU told me you were okay with it." She shook her head; discarding his words.
"Your vision really doesn't stretch further than yourself, does it Will?" Deanna paused for a moment, trying to get her emotions under control again.
Öf course I told you that. What else was I supposed to do? BEG you to stay? And if you did, would you have stayed? Wouldn't you have felt like a prisoner?" He seriously considered her words.
"Dammit Will! I refused to humiliate myself like that!" She was right; he wouldn't have stayed, and if he had he_would_have felt like a prisoner. 'Dammit, why does she know me better than I know myself?!' Deanna sensed him agreeing with her words and a victorious smile washed over her face.
"You wouldn't have stayed and you would have broken my heart without thinking about it; just like you have."
"But I_did_think about you, I always have." Sadly she nodded.
"Yes, you did. I won't deny that."
"Well then..." Before he realized it, his characteristic arrogant smile returned.
"You DIDN'T think of ME! You thought about YOUR friend, YOUR wife-to-be! The one who stood in the way of YOUR god forsaken CAREER!!!" He cast his eyes down. Her fury had once again returned. He wouldn't be surprised if she never could become angry again when this terrible misunderstanding had been solved.
"You NEVER EVER thought of me as a person, not irrevocably connected to you."
"Dammit Deanna! That's not true!!! I asked YOUR opinion about everything! And I won't let you drinking in your self-pity when you don't even know what is going on!"
"I DON'T WANT TO KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON!" Sobs and cries racked through her tiny body; her hands were clenched into stiff fists again and her nails re-opened her wounds. His fury had been ignited as well and his blue eyes had turned icy-cold.
"Nothing_IS_going ON. You HAVE to believe me!" Wildly she shook her head, her body rocked back and forth, her brown silky hair danced from one side to the other slapping the sides of her cheeks whenever she turned her head back to the other side.
"I won't! I CAN'T!!! You've lied to me TOO many times Will. I CANNOT and WILL NOT trust you again!!!" Will firmly grabbed her shoulders and shook her angrily.
"I won't leave until you DO!" She lifted her heavily bleeding hands up to push herself away from him, but he caught them before she ever reached his chest. Terror washed over his face when he saw the bright-red blood.
"Let me go! Don't you DARE to touch me!!!" Instantly his fury disappeared and concern overwhelmed him instead. Somehow she managed to pull free and she began to hit him with every strength left in her tiny body. 'God, I'm exhausted...so damn tired. But I CAN'T let him win, not now, not again!' Will literally felt the diminishing of her strength between each hit. Tears no longer fell down, her eyes were dried out. Cries, sobs and screams filled the air.
"Damn...you Will, for all the...pain you...caused me! Damn you for ever...EVER meeting...me!" Her hits came less and less closer after each other. 'She's exhausted.' Deanna was falling apart; both her body and mind were exhausted and the lacerations in her hands hurt immensely. She lost all comprehension of time and place and used every ounce of will-power to keep herself standing. Her mind had stopped thinking. She had stopped hitting him and stood still. Her body was still rocking, blood dropped from her hands on the floor. She looked so tiny; so utterly lost. His heart ached for her, for the pain_HE_had caused. Acting on instinct he held out his hands, waiting for her to seek support from them. When she didn't he placed his hands on her shoulders and pulled her to him. She tried to resist, but was too weak, too exhausted to keep herself from ending up against his broad chest. Deanna pressed her face in his chest and allowed her cries to freely rack through her body. Will placed a hand on her back, soothingly rubbing her spine. His other hand caressed the back of her head and pulled her hair out her face.
"I'm sorry my love." He wasn't sure if she had heard his whisper, her harsh cries and sobs were loud and may have over voiced his words. Slowly he rocked her soothingly.
"Shh Imzadi; it's going to be alright."
"I'm...so tired...Will...please,...hold me." Her eyes closed and her sobbing slowed down, eventually fading away. He felt her body relax in his arms, her head tipped forwards, her arms fell along her body and her legs refused to carry her any longer. Will lowered her to the floor and stroke her hair out her face again.
"Riker to Sickbay; medical emergency in Holodeck 1."
We'll be right there Will. Strangely enough he was relaxed and at ease. She looked peaceful, so damn beautiful.
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Mere minutes later Beverly and Alyssa entered the Holodeck. Both startled at the sight of the two officers. Will was sitting with his back against the wall, an unconscious Deanna was resting against his chest. Both officers were covered in blood.
"JESUS Will! What the he*l happened?!" The medical officers quickly began to scan the couple.
"I'm fine Beverly; Deanna is the one you need to look after."
"Crusher to Transporter Room 1. Four to beam from my location directly to Sickbay." When the materialized in sickbay Doctor Crusher's team didn't waste any time and immediately lifted Deanna up and put her on a biobed. Deanna's blood-stained outfit was replaced by a standard Sickbay outfit. Beverly hooked her equipment on and constantly monitored Deanna's heart rate and temperature. She cleaned her still bleeding hands but opted not to heal the lacerations just yet. When there was nothing for her to do she ordered Will to her office.
"OK Will, I want to know exactly_what_happened." Surprisingly enough he answered without objecting.
"We argued and then her hands started bleeding. When she had aired all her anger and pain I pulled her against me; she told me she was tired and the next thing I knew she collapsed. I sat down with her and warned you." Beverly was about to ask about what they argued but realized in time he wouldn't tell her anyway.
"How is she?" The red-haired glanced through her window at the woman on the biobed.
"I don't know...she's in a shock; she's physically as well as mentally exhausted."
"I thought as much...and her hands?"
"Well, apparently she has clenched her hands in stiff fists several times...the wounds themselves are a day old or so. They have been re-opened several times." They both watched Deanna in silence for some time.
"So, are you going to tell me what you were arguing about?" She might as well give it a try. Will looked straight at her, then at Deanna before returning his gaze to the Doctor.
"About everything." He stood up and walked to the door.
"Will...I don't want you to see her now." Startled and unpleasantly surprised he turned around and looked at her.
"The fact that she fell ill during a disagreement with you tells me that the reason she has been so upset has to do with you and most likely with you personal relation. I don't want to cause her any more stress then absolutely necessary which includes no mental distraction." He considered her words seriously and realized that she was right.
"If you think that's what's best for her I'll stay away. I don't want to hurt her anymore." With those words he walked through the hissed open doors and left Sickbay after one more glance at his Imzadi. Just outside Sickbay he ran into Captain Picard.
"Number One, are you alright?" The blood on his uniform worried his superior.
"Yes, Sir; it's all Deanna's blood I'm afraid." He watched his First Officer take of and then entered Sickbay. His eye fell immediately on the tiny figure laying on the biobed in a isolated room. The Doctor stepped at his side.
"She's in shock; I've decided to keep her under sedation for t least 16 hours. She's mentally as well as physically exhausted." He nodded, in silence agreeing with his CMO's decision.
"What about the blood?"
"In her fury she has dug her nails deep into her palms which make them bleed. They are cleaned and I've bandaged her hands." Again Jean-Luc nodded, not knowing what to say. It was so strange to see her like this, the pain and anguish were readable on her delicate face. The red and swollen flesh around her eyes indicated that she had been crying for quite some time; she looked so utterly lost.
"What happened?" A deep sigh slipped from Beverly's mouth.
"She and Will have been arguing; judging from her face rather heated."
"Is she comfortable now you think?"
"Well yes..." The Doctor shifted onto her other foot.
"But?"
"But...she would be more comfortable in her own quarters." Beverly began to defend her opinion before Picard could even deny the indirect request she had made. "I know it isn't protocol and that Starfleet doesn't allow serious ill officers anywhere_but_in sickbay, but Jean-Luc, she's..."
"Beverly..." He abruptly interrupted her plea. "...Permission allowed. For as far as I know exhaustion isn't infectious." Gratefully she glanced at her Captain and headed to Deanna's quarters.
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For over 18 hours Beverly checked in on Deanna every one or two hours. She had stopped sedating her two hours ago. Still no one else, except for her, Jean-Luc and Will, was aware of her serious condition. Beverly was worried she might pick up the concern and worry of the crew. What amazed her was that Will hadn't objected when she had forbidden him to come near her and that he didn't try to see her anyway. Not had he asked whether her condition had changed. It was almost as if he didn't care, or pretend not to care. She couldn't make them out; one moment they were everything for each other, the next it was as if they didn't know about each other's existence. For the first time in 18 hours Deanna made a move, her eyes blinked and slowly she opened them. A deep yawn followed. Beverly almost jumped out of her skin, finally she came around!
"Hello there." Deanna was surprised; she smiled, unforced and spontaneous. Beverly hadn't seen that smile for a while.
"Bev, what are you doing here?" Beverly didn't answer.
"How do you feel?" She asked instead. She saw by Deanna's eyes that she was reading herself.
"Fine, rested...confused. The last I remember is being on the Holodeck with..." Deanna's smile vanished. Beverly could she the pain in her eyes.
"With whom?" Deanna took a deep breath, than sighed.
"Will." Deanna realised she had 'cleaned up' part of the mess in her psyche, she remembered becoming furious just by the mentioning of his name, now she just felt depressed and melancholic. Beverly bend over.
"Deanna, what happened between you and Will?"
"Nothing, nothing important."
"Deanna, your behaviour has been more than abnormal the past days, you went into a shock after seeing him, so don't tell me it was nothing." Beverly said it with both compassion and urge. She saw Deanna was trying to formulate an answer.
"He, Will, he, he cheated on me." Deanna's voice broke, Beverly was speechless.
"I'm, I'm so sorry." She said sincere.
"It's alright." There was that forced smile again. Beverly knew she was lying.
"It's not alright Deanna, I can't believe this." Deanna smiled again, unforced this time.
"You're not the only one."
"Are you sure about it?"
"Yes, I saw them in Ten-Forward. I sensed their emotions." Beverly didn't know what to say and they both kept quiet for a while.
"Have you confronted him yet?" Beverly asked to break the silence.
"Yes, I have."
"What was his response?" Deanna took a few moments before she answered.
"He kept denying, he kept lying." 'That's weird.' Will should know Deanna could tell when someone was lying, he also should know she resented lying.
"Are you sure? Couldn't you have misinterpreted his feelings somehow?" Deanna shook her head.
"I'm sure; when I confronted him he felt guilty and remorseful." Tears welled up in her eyes.
"Deanna I'm sorry if it sounds as if I'm on Will's side but..." The red-haired sighed. "...I've known the two of you for 13 years now and, erm, I know he loves you more than anything. And I know the same goes for you." Deanna had always been aware of that but after all that had happened she wasn't so sure anymore.
"Apparently not as much as we thought." She told Beverly.
"And now?" There was the gold-pressed-latinum question.
"I don't know." She shook her head. "I just don't know." They both sighed, which triggered a laugh response. It felt good to laugh, really laugh again, it had been a while. Deanna wondered if she should inform Beverly about her agreement with the admiral. She probably should, but she decided not to.
"I have to go." Beverly didn't want to leave Deanna alone, but she really had to go.
"Will you be alright?" Deanna wiped her tears away and smiled.
"Yes, I'll be fine."
"Are you sure?" Beverly was worried about her.
"I promise." Still the Doctor hesitated.
"Beverly, I feel fine." She reassured her. Deanna did feel better, better than in days. She had finally managed to come to terms with their break up. Beverly reluctantly left and Deanna decided to have dinner.
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Doctor Crusher entered the Bridge, she was supposed to take the Bridge Watch over from Riker.
"Commander Riker, we have to talk." He noticed the urge in her voice and followed her to the Observation Lounge without asking for an explanation.
"She's a wake isn't she?" The Doctor nodded, not even surprised that he knew.
"You messed up pretty da*n good this time Will." Will knew Beverly blamed him and she had every right. He blamed himself too. He wondered how much she knew about what had happened between him and Deanna.
"Will, don't you see how much she loves you ad how much your behaviour hurts her?"
"I never meant to hurt her, I love her." Beverly saw he meant it but she had to make him see he couldn't go on like this.
"Than why do you do the things of which you know they hurt her?" Dazzled he looked at her, a bit amazed as well.
"She says she understands, that it's alright." Beverly glanced at him, expressing her disbelieve at first, than anger.
"Of all the people who know her, you're the last one I expected to say that! You should know she only pretends it doesn't matter." Will's guilt could easily be seen on his face. He walked to a window and looked at the stars.
"Sometimes I don't know how to interpret her..." Riker began. "...She senses emotions from others, helps them dealing with their feelings. But she carefully decides which of her own emotions she shows, the others she hides. She has these walls or barriers or_whatever_you call them, so no one can see how she feels. It frustrates me she won't talk to me, tell me how_she_feels." Relieved to have it off his chest he sighed deeply.
"We all feel that way sometimes." Beverly stood next to him now.
"You have to earn Deanna's trust and confidence before she lets you in." 'I had that once.' 'And it's my own fault I lost it.'
"Is that why you started to see Sheila?" Will turned around.
"Because she does let you in." Beverly closely watched his face to see his reaction.
"She told you." He stated.
"Yes, and frankly, I didn't believe it." He looked her intensely in her eyes.
"Don't." His words were plain cold. "Because it's not true." For some reason Beverly believed him.
"She's convinced it's true."
"I'll explain it to her, if she lets me."
"Wait a while before you try, she has just woken up. Give her sometime for herself." She laid her hand on his shoulder to encourage him than walked away.
"Let your heart speak Will, be open and don't try to hide your feelings. That will only make her suspicious." Her advise reached him just before the doors slid close behind her back, leaving him alone with his emotions and thoughts. Beverly was right, about everything. Sometimes it seemed as if she knew Deanna better than he did.
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"Come in." Jean-Luc closed his book.
"Doctor." He said somewhat surprised as Beverly walked in and sat down in front of him.
"Jean-Luc, I need a favour." 'A favour'? He was surprised, an eyebrow and a mouth corner rose. Beverly saw the lights behind her reflecting in his forehead.
"Which is?"
"I want you to relieve Counselor Troi from her duties for another two days. I also request the same for Commander Riker." As CMO Beverly didn't need his permission, they both knew that. "On what grounds?"
"Deanna needs time to recover from her psychic breakdown."
"I agree. How about Commander Riker?"
"He has some private problems he needs to sort out." Innerly Jean-Luc laughed, that was typical Beverly. 'Why doesn't this surprise me?'
"Will those interfere with his job performance?" Wisely he didn't ask the exact problem. Beverly was grateful for that
"If they continue on this foot they will." She replied. Jean-Luc stroke with his hand over his chin.
"Two of my Senior Staff officers. The Ship's Counselor and First Officer." He looked doubtful and strict but Beverly knew he had already given in. He wasn't blind and he could put one and one together. She was pretty sure he knew what was going on.
"Permission granted Doctor, thank you for your advice." Beverly stood up and grabbed her Med Path. The doors opened, she was about to leave.
"O, Beverly, the dinner is still on for tonight I hope." He expected her to turn around, but she didn't.
"You bet." He heard just before the doors closed, separating one from another again.
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Deanna had just taken a shower and was now drying her hair. She felt a lot better now. Of course it would need sometime to heal, she couldn't deny that anymore, but she was up to it now. She could finally close the book 'William T. Riker' and put it away. She slipped in a simple and comfortable dress and put some music on. She sat down on the sofa and started her mind training. Because she was so concentrated she didn't hear the door bleeps, they went three, four times before for she did.
"Come in." Will entered. To her own amazement she was quite glad. They needed to solve this, deciding on what foot they'd continue.
"Deanna, we..." "Need to talk." She finished his sentence.
"Have a seat." He did what she suggested. Will was very cautious; he didn't want to upset her in any way.
"Can I get you anything?" She politely asked. At first he thought she avoided facing him but soon he realised it was just one of her habits.
"No thank you." Deanna ordered Yarrelian tea and sat down facing him. He noticed how calm she was. It wasn't the same calmness as earlier, the one which had frightened him, this was a comforting and peaceful calmness. Deanna started the conversation.
"I apologize for my behaviour the last days, I wasn't myself." He smiled, always apologizing, even if it wasn't her fault.
"I understand."
"Do you?" Her remark wasn't meant to be sarcastic or to express her anger, it was meant to make him think.
"You seem to be feeling better now, are you?" His eyes slid over the bandages on her hands.
"Yes I am. Beverly's treatment gave me the chance to deal with problems form both present and past without interference or distraction." She caught his gaze. "And the wounds are healing very well." It was the truth, she felt so much better now. Will was amazed about how detailed she answered his question. It was not like the Deanna he knew at all.
"Past?" He wasn't quite sure what she meant.
"Yes, I always thought or believed I had dealt with your departure back on Betazed, but I had only locked and stored those feelings and emotions. Because of what happened the last days they, popped up." Deanna took a sip of her tea and looked at him.
"I had no idea I hurt you so much."
"Hadn't you?" It was again a think-about-it question. Now that he_did_think about it he realized he had known, he simply never really paid attention to it. He was ashamed about that confession.
"The first week was like hell." She began telling in a low voice.
"For two days I was furious, cattish and I yelled at anyone. I worried, but most of all, frightened my friends." Deanna stopped talking and drank a bit from her tea. Will kept quiet, knowing he would spoil the sphere if he'd make even the slightest noise.
"Later they told me my behaviour the next days frightened them the most. I don't remember those days." This was strange and totally new for Deanna, she wasn't used to talk about herself like this but she knew she had to. She wouldn't run away anymore, she refused to.
"Apparently I didn't say or do anything, I'd sit and stare for hours, not showing any emotion or making the slightest movement. After having spent three days like that I steadily started to talk and laugh again. Afterwards I assumed I had used that time to deal with my emotions, to come to terms with our break-up." She took a deep breath and sipped from her tea. Will looked at her, his eyes saying 'sorry'.
"Deanna, I'm so sorry, honestly." She sensed his genuine compassion.
"I know." She whispered. "I know."
"If I had known..." Deanna's eyes turned hard again.
"What then, what would've changed?"
"I don't know but maybe all of this wouldn't have happened." She smiled, not because it was funny, or because he was right. It was a devilish sort of smile.
"You're right. If I hadn't seen you again this wouldn't have happened. Or if we had kept our distance. It would have saved me a lot of pain and humiliation as well." Deanna was sarcastic and embittered again. Will finally realized how stupid and blind he had been. He had never made a serious attempt to find out how she really felt about their relation, he had simply taken her word for it. He watched her when she walked to the replicator to get another cup of tea. The dress she was wearing stood her magnificent, it accentuated her small elegant body beautifully; the white colour fitted her brown hair perfectly. 'God, she's so beautiful.' He remembered how he could drown in those gorgeous dark eyes of her, how soft her skin felt and how satisfied he felt when he held her in his arms. He remembered how wonderful he felt when they went to sleep, she laying against him with her head resting on his chest and shoulder. He realized how much he had missed Deanna the past days, how much he had missed her body against his at night, her presence when he woke up. He had missed her smell, her laughter, her smiles, the twinkles in her eyes and their conversations. There was one thing he hadn't missed though; the sneaky way he had to slip out their quarters to meet Sheila. It always felt as if he was cheating on her.
"Well, at least you now know which mistakes not to make with Sheila." Her remark pulled him back.
"Deanna, I..."
"It's alright Will. We have sorted it out now. I hope you and Sheila won't make the same mistakes we made." 'WHAT!? What is she doing?' He knew she was genuine, she really wished him the best. He couldn't believe it. Will stood up and walked to the other side of the room and sat down next to her. She kept her head bend to the floor.
"Deanna, listen to me, read me. I don't love anyone as much as I love you and certainly not Sheila." She didn't react and kept her head bend aside and down to the floor. He laid his hand under her chin, gently he lifted her head up and turned it facing him, she didn't look at him. In her eyes he could see her pain, he knew she didn't want to talk or listen.
"Look at me." He whispered. Deanna raised her dark, sensitive eyes, she looked up to him from under her long eyelashes, glanced at him with despair. He opened his mind for her as much as he could.
"Deanna, I wasn't romantically involved with Sheila and I don't want to be. I want to be with you and with no one else." Deanna cast her eyes down. Will waited a while, giving her the chance to read him.
"Do you believe me?" He ultimately asked. She glanced at his face, tears were standing in her eyes.
"I, I don't, know Will." She stumbled. "I don't know what to believe anymore." He could imagine that.
"What do you sense?"
"Love, desire, sincerity, compassion, honesty." She stopped to take a deep breath. "Guilt and secrecy. You're hiding something Will, something you don't want me to know about. What is it?"
"I, hum, I can't say. I'm sorry." She almost notoriously shook her head. That he wasn't honest upset her, it made her angry.
"You have to tell me Will."
"Deanna, I can assure you it has nothing to do with another relation. It's for your birthday. You have to trust me."
"I don't know if I can. You have confounded my trust too many times." A tear rolled down over her cheek, he softly wiped it away. He gently caressed her face and her chest. He had missed her so much. 'Maybe now is the right time.' Deanna's heart told her to give in, to let him comfort and love her. To forgive and forget. But her mind told her to hate him, maybe as a form of self-protection so he wouldn't be able to hurt her anymore, maybe simply because he deserved her hatred. But she couldn't hate him either; she loved him too much to be able to hate him. She pushed his hand away, knowing that if she didn't she wouldn't be able to resist him.
"What does your heart say?" She turned her face away.
"Don't do this. We have sorted it out, please, leave me alone." Her voice broke. There was nothing more to be said. From now on each of them would follow their own way.
"Deanna, listen to your heart." The Betazoid pulled away, increasing the distance between them.
"Don't Will, don't." Tears began to roll down again. Deanna pulled her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around them. 'I'm hurting her...again.' He creped towards her, slowly; to avoid startling her.
"Will, leave. Please, just leave." But he didn't, instead he advanced towards her; he reached out to her. But the second he made physical contact she jumped up.
"I_TOLD_YOU TO_LEAVE_!!!" Her eyes shot fire again, her body was trembling with anger. Will stood up as well, again he reached out to her.
"Don't you DARE to touch me!"
"Please, hear me out Imzadi." She froze, literally froze. Just when Will was about to call to Sickbay her eyes slowly closed. When she opened them again they were black, the darkest black he had ever seen. Her voice, when she spoke, was freezing calm and send a unpleasant shiver through his body.
"Don't you_ever_dare to use that word to me again. I am no longer your Imzadi, and you are no longer mine." Her voice was horrifying, dreadfully cold; at that particular point he wouldn't have done anything rather but to run away from her..._fast_. Instead he kept his fear under control.
"But you told me Imzadi was forever." Her face revealed not a single emotion and she didn't move a muscle. The sphere was breathtaking scaring.
"Apparently I made a mistake. Maybe Imzadi isn't forever, or maybe we were never meant to be Imzadi." He looked at her in disbelieve and fear. But even now he couldn't help noticing her everlasting beauty.
"I don't believe that..." A hysterical, devilish laughter filled the air around them.
"Tza, Will. And that from_your_mouth." The laughter fainted an was replaced by an unpleasant silence. Deanna's black, venom-like gaze held his but Will didn't seem to look at her. He was very concentrated on something. Too late Deanna rose her shields.
~Imzadi.~ For a second it seemed as if the black of her irises covered her entire eyes, but just as quickly as it happened it disappeared. Unlike he had expected she send him her emotions in return. The wall hit him like a board with nasty sharp points and sliced through his mind. The anger and fury he felt were overwhelming, everything consuming. His eyes flashed and his hands clenched into fists. The despair and hurt he felt made tears flood out his eyes and a loud desperate cry escaped from deep within him, or was it from deep within her? Deanna's features softened immediately when she had send Will her emotions, but they hardened again as soon as she took them back and closed her mind.
"My god, Deanna."
"Now, GET OUT!" Dazzled he watched her black eyes, which shifted from his to the doors and back to his blue gaze again.
"GA!" Still not fully regained from he flood of emotions he managed to stumble to the doors and left. Deanna watched him without blinking once and when the doors closed behind his back she fell back on the couch and cried loudly. As her anger flooded away her eyes became brown again.
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Only seconds after he had left her quarters a huge headache made his head explode...at least, that was how it felt. His vision blurred momentarily and the corridor started spinning. Commander Riker leaned against the wall and breathed slowly in and out until the spinning had stopped. As soon as his vision was sharp again he headed for Sickbay, the headache was almost unbearable.
"Will, what are you doing here?" The day that he walked in Sickbay_voluntarily_for treatment was one she hadn't encountered yet.
"My head is killing me." The Doctor frowned. 'A headache?!' She indicated him to sit down on a biobed and picked up a medical tricorder.
"What happened?" She asked while scanning his head. But before he could answer the first results showed.
"My god Will! You're neurotransmitters have increased by 20%. What caused that?" It was a rhetorical question really, she didn't expect him to understand what she just had said and she sure as he*l didn't expect any answer other than 'I haven't got a clue Doctor', but an answer he gave.
"Deanna."
"Deanna?! I think some explanation would be helpful here."
"I went to talk to her...it started out well. She was calm and prepaired to listen...but then..."
"You said something wrong." 'Why exactly is it, that I'm not surprised she guessed that?'
"Yes, she started yelling again and the scariest thing happened; her irises turned back."
"Black?" Her eyes widened in disbelief.
"When there was a moment of silence I made another mistake..." Beverly patiently awaited his words.
"I send her 'Imzadi' through our link. I thought it would calm her down. And it did in a scaring way. The black of her irises momentarily spread and covered her entire eyes. Suddenly she send me all her emotions." Beverly straightened her back. What Deanna had done was dangerous; the human brain wasn't calculated for the emotions of others and judging by Will's story Deanna had been more than simply furious.
"What next?"
"She told me to leave and I did. That was when the headache came."
"Well that explains the increase in neurotransmitters as well. Fortunately Deanna was conscious enough to withdraw before lasting damage was done. I'll give you a mild neuro-sedation; it'll keep you conscious but seal the pain." She injected the medicine in the ulcer in his neck.
"You can go now." Will nodded and got on his feet. He left Sickbay without saying another word.
Beverly picked up an tricorder and left for Deanna's quarters; certainly the fight would've had an certain impact on her as well. She rang the door chimes twice before she heard a response.
Will GO! Followed by presumably a vase or something smashing against the doors and scattering in several pieces.
"Deanna? Let me in will you. I need to see if you're alright."
Beverly? Deanna's child like voice concerned her.
"Yes. Will you let me in?" In her quarters Deanna quickly stood up and walked to the wash table. She threw some cold water in her face and dried it off with the nearest towel. After that she walked back to the couch and sat down with crossed legs, her hands folded serenely in her lap.
Come in. The Doctor walked in and saw immediately by Deanna's face that she had been crying. Judging by her position she hadn't stopped until she entered. Beverly sat down at Deanna's side and looked in her eyes. 'Brown again.'
"I suppose Will came to see you?" The red-haired nodded and closely watched her friend's facial expression.
"I thought he would. I probably gave him a headache." There wasn't a spark of regret to be seen on the Betazoid's face, but the pain in her eyes was clearly visible.
"So you knew what you were doing?"
"Yes." That was something Beverly hadn't expected. "I couldn't take it anymore Beverly; I wanted to pay him in kind for hurting me so da*n much." Deanna seemed so utterly lost, hurt.
"What you did was risky Deanna; you could've caused lasting damage to his neural-tissue." Slowly she nodded.
"I know."
"Will told me your eyes turned black...can you tell me about that?" Deanna turned her head away; avoiding the blue gaze of her friend.
"I'm not ready to; I'm sorry."
"Don't be...I'll run a neuroscan on you and then I'll leave alright?" Deanna tipped her head, making in easier for Beverly to scan her. When the scan was completed Beverly stood up and walked to the doors.
"Try to get some sleep ok? You seem pretty exhausted." The Betazoid forced a weak smile.
"I will. Thank you Beverly." The red-haired shrugged and walked out, leaving Deanna alone with her demons. 'I shouldn't have let it happen!' 'How could I be so careless?!' 'I should've stayed disciplined DAMMIT!' She buried her face in her hands and her hair spilled over her shoulders in front of her face. 'I shouldn't have let myself go like that!' Sobs racked through her body.
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Beverly didn't dare to look at the scan-results before she entered Sickbay; scared for what she might find. Deanna's psilo-synine levels were elevated once again; so were her neurotransmitters. Her psyche had been releasing almost twice as much para-transmittors as normal and there was a strange psychic-signature throughout Troi's brain. Once again the Doctor cursed Starfleet medical for having obtained so little information of the Betazoid psyche. She would have to run another scan on Deanna in an hour to see if there were any changes.
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On the holodeck another troubled officer was trying to get his mind of the woman he had hurt so much. While making some final adjustments to his program he promised himself_and_her_that he would_not_hurt her again. They_had_to talk, but if she didn't want to how could he make her? 'Dammit! I have to make her see that she_is_the_only_one for me!' 'But how?' His gaze slid across the Holodeck. 'Maybe I should...'
"Computer: saved and end program." The characterizing sounds of the computer reached his ears and suddenly he found himself and a room with black walls on with a systematic roasters of yellow lines. In a hurry he went to Sickbay, bumping in to several ensigns before reaching the doors.
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"Beverly!" Startled the Doctor turned around.
"Will?!...Again?!" Grinningly she watched him catching his breath.
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Deanna opened her eyes. She hadn't been sleeping she was sure of that. But then, what_had_she been doing? The Betazoid got up and walked to her mirror, there she checked her eyes carefully. 'Thank the gods; they're normal again." Her eyes closed and she stroke her hand along her forehead. 'I've spend_years_training not to let this happen. Is my heart, my soul really that badly hurt?' 'Have I really allowed him to hurt me so much?'
~D~