Miss (Mr.) Congeniality


Authors: Wolfiegrl and Lily_Potter

Disclaimer: We don't own, don't sue, although we wouldn't mind if J.K. shared James with us…

After thought to disclaimer: Or Sirius, or Remus…we aren't THAT picky…;)

Chapter 4

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To say that it was a rather long night, would have been an understatement. As the twosome, (now minus Lily, who, although quite interested in the proceedings, was no longer troubled by insomnia;) had stayed up, rethought, replanned, and all together tried to rework the blackmail, but, even for the Marauders, there was no possible loophole. Nothing short of blowing up the Slytherin Common room (Sirius' idea,) was going to allow them to escape the impending doom.

By seven in the morning, Remus had come down the stairs, stretching as irritatingly as possible, and saying that he had had a wonderful nights sleep. Which, of course, annoyed the extremely grumpy, sleep-deprived Sirius, who promptly put another silencing charm on him.

James sighed, and was just happy because it was a Saturday, and he wouldn't have to make up a story to tell the Professors about how Remus lost his voice, on top of everything else.

Amidst now two glaring, now rather grumpy people, James voiced the last hope the Marauders had, that perhaps guys were not allowed to participate in the beauty pageant. Sirius' face broke into a smile, a rather poor copy of his usual grin. Remus on the other hand, pouted severely; he thought that this entire episode was bloody hilarious.

James' hope, Sirius' grin and Remus' pouts disappeared and were promptly quashed once they got to the Gryffindor table.

An owl flew over to James' seat, dropped a letter on his head, and flew out.

James opened it slowly, hoping that it contained the greetings he wanted. The offending picture dropped out of the letter, and suppressing a shudder, James handed it to Sirius as he read:

My Dearest Morons,

"Snape has never sounded so happy in his life," muttered Sirius darkly. Remus nodded in agreement.

I am delighted to inform you that you have been accepted into the beauty pageant. I trust you will find the experience most enjoyable. You will remember that there are several different categories in which you will be judged. Among them, sports wear, formal wear, and, of course, the infamous bathing suit competition. I would advise you to begin your shopping immediately.

"Shopping?!?!" said Sirius in horror, "We have to go shopping?"

I would also remind you that you need to tell your head of house that you are participating. Good luck.

~S.S.

"I'll kill him," said Sirius solemnly. "I don't need a wand, I'll kill him with my bare hands."

"Now, now, Sirius," Remus scribbled on the back of the letter, "homicide in Hogwarts is never a good thing…"

"It is when it's Snape," muttered James, a vein in the side of his face nervously twitching.

They sat in an even more grumpy silence, except for Remus, who started shaking with silent laughter.

The other two looked curiously at him, and Remus, who stopped laughing and started pouting, scribbled, "You need to tell McGonagall that you're in this…this…" his normally tidy handwriting became quite untidy, as he left off pouting, and tried to hold in laughter, "beauty pageant…" and he completely lost it and promptly began to shake with silent snickers again.

"McGonagall," said Sirius paling.

"What is she going to say about THIS," said James, going as green as three day old mould.

Remus began to scribble something again, and the tip of his quill snapped. "Oh bloody…" He stopped short. "It wore off. I can talk again…"

He began laughing again, until Sirius threatened yet another silencing charm, so he shut up completely.

"Once you two have stopped arguing," said James. "Sirius, I advise you to take that picture and burn it immediately."

They all looked at the picture, which was, at the moment, showing Peter splashing in the bubbles, and making his boat and ducks crash into each other.

Everyone shuddered, and Sirius gave it a quick prod with his wand, watching in contempt as it burst into flames.

"If, in a month or so, you feel like eating, you'll tell me, won't you?" Said Remus, reaching for a stack of toast.

"Right," said Sirius, reaching for the marmalade, and stealing a piece of toast, "We can eat…" The marmalade missed the toast and coated Snape's letter, as Sirius' head drooped, and he began to snore.

"I wonder what's got into him?" Asked Remus to James, before realising that James' head was in his Weetbix cereal. And small milk bubbles rose at his not-so-gentle snoring.

"Just what I always wanted," muttered Remus, "I can finally talk, and I have two dead bodies to listen."

~**~

The group walked with dragging steps to Professor McGonagall's office.

Remus, after shaking Sirius, and lifting James' head out of the bowl by his hair, pointed out sensibly that if they wanted to see McGonagall, they had better do it right away before Peter woke up, or else he may get suspicious.

The three had decided that they should seem as though James and Sirius wanted to enter the pageant, for reasons unfathomable. Because if Professor McGonagall got any hint of blackmail, she would not allow them to be in the pageant, and pictures of Peter would plastered on every available wall.

James, knocked on the door to the office, then walked in without any admittance whatsoever.

The professor, who was fully dressed and marking papers, looked up. And after catching sight of the two of them, looked back down and continued to mark the papers.

"Professor, how simply corking to see you!" said James, flashing her his trademark grin, as he crashed into a nearby chair.

"If I may say so, you look absolutely spiffing," said Sirius, imitating James' smile.

"Potter, Black, what have you done now that you need detention for?" said McGonagall without looking up from the paper she was marking.

"Nothing, Professor, nothing at all," said James, standing up and taking the paper away.

"We'll just clear off these bits and bobs before we make you an offer that you can't refuse." Said Sirius, nicking the rest of the papers, before she could object.

"Boys, please, not now, I haven't even had a cup of tea this morning," pleaded McGonagall in a tired voice, not sounding like her crisp self at all.

"We should have thought of that…" Said James looking thoughtfully at Sirius, then,

"Remus! Would you be so kind as to get our favourite Professor a cup of tea from the Great Hall?" Remus popped his head in the doorway.

"Anything for our favourite professor," he said, grinning as well, before he headed down the hall.

They sat in absolute silence, as the Professor glared daggers at the two of them, and both Sirius and James too worried to notice.

Finally, when a rather flustered Remus returned with the Professor's tea, and was the first recipient of a smile in a long time. The Professor started sipping slowly at the tea, as Sirius got up to talk.

"Now then," said Sirius, "James and I would like to participate in Hogwarts beauty pageant."

Professor McGonagall's eyes widened as she almost spit out her tea, then she regained her composure, swallowed, and said quite crisply, "Why?"

"You don't think we'd win?" said James in a hurt voice, "I was of the opinion that nobody could say no to this face," he smoothed his untidy hair, and put on a puppy dog pout.

"Quite the contrary," said the professor, looking sternly at him. "But I have the feeling that boys are not allowed in beauty pageants."

"Oh but they are, Professor," Sirius pressed on, "We have had it all arranged with Narcissa. We are allowed."

"I do not agree with it. This was a female only event for centuries, it is rather absurd for you boys to want to enter. How like you two, to want to ruin a piece of Hogwarts tradition." She looked at them with distaste in her eyes, "Of all your prakns…" But she was interrupted by James:

"Oh, Professor, please, please, let us do this. Please." Said James, using the puppy dog pout more than ever.

"I will think about it. I will tell you when the week is out. Now, out of my office, I have papers to mark."

The left with equally dragging feet, and Sirius only exploded after the door was shut.

"An antifeminist, that's what she is!" he said savagely.

"Not believing in beauty pageants, what sort of rubbish is that?"

"She's not an antifeminist," said Remus, "I agree with her, quite frankly."

"You fancy her, then." Said Sirius, as if the idea just dawned on him.

"McGonagall? Now you're talking rubbish."

"Oh, no! It makes perfect sense. All the smiles.. All the 'Professor, Professor, can you help me with my Transfiguration' You fancy her!"

"She is old!" Remus proclaimed.

"Older, not old." Sirius pointed out.

James stared at the two of them, then figured it was time to get some revenge for all the teasing.

"Wasn't it you that said that 'age doesn't matter'?" he asked.

Remus stared at the two of them, completely perplexed. He looked at Sirius' grin, at James' inquiring look, then at the Professor's door. He promptly turned around and walked of.

"At least I'm not in a beauty pageant!" He threw over his shoulder.

"Oh sod off," said Sirius storming down the hall.

"And that, my friends, is the product of a sleepless night," said James, standing alone, watching as his two friends walked of in different directions. Remus' shoulders shaking with suppressed laughter.

TBC

A/N: That was a fun chapter. Not as much fun as the one Wolfiegrl got to write, I'll admit, but, I'll take what I can get. ~Lily