Disclamer: Same as before
Wow, guys, I'm glad some people are liking this. And thank you for your compliments. Don't forget dear WaNdA now, she did write half of it. ( She's got her own page here now so go check her stuff out. It's mostly poems and parodies, but she's working on a story to put up (a serious one). It's some cool stuff.
Ch 27- You Bastard!
A/N: I, The Potions Mistress, wrote this chapter (not Wanda) because she didn't remember exactly how we wanted to end it.
(A mist envelopes Frodo as he opens the door.)
Frodo: Ewww. This stuff smells!
Voice: Muahahahaha!
Frodo: (trembling) Who- who- who's there?
Voice: The main baddie, the king of the mountain, the-
(voice chokes on smoke as it's owner comes into view)
Frodo: (gasp) You!
Snape: Yes me.
Frodo: But… but… you're one of us! You were at the Council of Elrond. And where are Sauramon and Voldemort?
Snape: Not here. They never were.
Frodo: But Aragorn said they saw…
Snape: It was me, you idiot! Voldemort is not that hard to imitate!
Frodo: But… Mr., I don't understand your evil plot. Could you please explain it to me in typical bad guy fashion?
Snape: (sighs) If I must. At Hogwarts, there are 4 houses: Slytherin, Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff, and Gryffindor. Weasleys, Potter, Granger, and Brown are in Gryffindor, Chang is a Ravenclaw, and Draco and myself are Slytherins. The Gryffindors and Slytherins have hated each other forever, probably because the damn Gryffindors are such holier-than-thou, self- righteous mama's boys, but that's besides the point. Either way, it seems as though Gryffindors are getting all the attention lately, and it's been pissing me off. In fact, the whole school would be better off without them, but how do I get rid of Hogwart's brightest? Then, I had a deliciously maliciously brilliant idea. I remembered this mirror, the mirror of Erised (waves wand and the mirror appears next to Frodo) and the real reason for its existence. The fact that it tells you what you most desire is a cover up- for the fact that if you run at it at full speed you get transported to middle earth. It's been used for centuries by our wizards to communicate with yours. I visited middle-earth and spoke to Sauramon dressed like the Dark Lord and made sure that people saw me. Of course, word got back to Dumbledore in a matter of days and, like the idiot I knew he'd be, he arranged a campaign to save middle-earth. He recruited Potter, Weasley, Minerva and I, not knowing of course that I was behind it, and we traveled to middle-earth to hatch a plan. I convieniently left the door to the room where the Mirror was open so some stupid kids would come in a play with it. And then, oh what do you know, Granger, Brown, Chang, and Weasley are in hobbitville.
Frodo: Hobbiton!
Snape: Whatever. So then, phase two of my plan: love potion time. They don't call me the Potions Master for nothing. I whipped up a tub and set to work behind the bushes. My first target was Brown, but Sybill, who was stupidly trying to get to Dumbledore, got in the way and I hit her and she pounced on you.
Frodo: (gasp) So you're the reason everyone is acting crazy: Legolas, Cho, Harry, Hermione, Merry, and…. (gasp)… Ginny!
Snape: Heh, heh, you thought she really loved you, didn't you stupid hobbit?
Frodo: So it's all been a spell. (tear falls down his cheek) But she sounded so genuine. Why? Why are you doing this?
Snape: Why? For the same reason you're crying right now. Do you want Ginny to leave middle-earth?
Frodo: Well, no, but…
Snape: Exactly. She doesn't want to leave either. Hermione's having a grand old time with her hobbit and Cho couldn't be happier with her ancient elf. Even Harry, who's love doesn't love him back, is content to keep on trying for her forever and Lavender is so heartbroken over elf-boy that she's too weary to continue. Do you see? None of the kids have any reason to leave middle-earth, so they won't and finally, Draco can be the greatest student at Hogwarts!
Frodo: So that's what this is about. But the sock, the factory, the Uruk- hai…
Snape: All diversions. Traps. And they worked pretty darn well too. I lured you guys in and eliminated all the members of your fellowship that could actually do anything to stop me. (turns around) Come Draco, we go to claim your prize.
Draco: (comes running from left) Ha! Now Slytherins will rule!
Snape: (pulls out wand) Go on hobbit, enjoy your life with Ginny. You seem like you are a nice little hobbit. And so, Mr. Baggins, I bid you adieu.
Frodo: No! I have to stop you.
Snape: (laughs) With what? You're a hobbit.
(Frodo thinks really hard and remembers something. Snape is about to go through the mirror. Frodo pulls out a jellybean.)
Frodo: Take this you overgrown bat!
(Frodo throws the jellybean at Snape. It hits him in the eye.)
Snape: (clutches eye) Ahhh! I'll get you hobbit!
(Rushes at him, clutches him by the collar and picks him up.)
Snape: Funny, there's now a direct conflict between The Potion's Mistress's two favorite characters. I wonder who will win…
(The door bangs open.)
Dumbledore: STOP!
Snape: Damn! Potions Mistress why have you forsaken me?
Random disembodied voice of TPM: 'Cause Frodo's cuter.
Snape: Damn!
Dumbledore: Your game is up Severus. Tell us the antidote now!
Snape: Ha! Right.
Dumbledore: EXPELLERAMOS!! (Snape's wand goes flying) Tell us now!
Snape: Never!
Gandalf: (drives his stake into the ground and sends shock waves to Snape. He flies up in the air and lands flat on his face) WHAT IS IT?
Draco: Get up, you idiot. I wanna go home. I want to see my mum and my dad and have my 20 house elves make my lunch and fluff my pillow and…
Snape: (in considerable pain) Shut-up, you spoiled brat. You're just like your father. Didn't you realize that if you were great I would be great as well?
Draco: So you did this all for yourself and not me? Take him, Headmaster, I miss the common room.
Dumbledore: (performs binding spell) What's the antidote?
Snape: (mutters) Tequila.
Gandalf: What?
Snape: TEQUILA! You know, like the song.
Frodo: No wonder Legolas was cured when he got drunk. Bring out the Jose Cuervo!
(The 5 leave the room and get to Legolas.)
Legolas: Hey you guys, come look at this.
Gandalf: No, elf. Frodo, pull out a jellybean.
(Frodo pulls one out and throws it at the corner of the mirror. It shatters.)
Dumbledore: Good shot Frodo!
Legolas: Wha? Hey what happened to me?
Gandalf: Don't worry about it. Just follow.
(They continue, find Arwen, Harry, and Aragorn and push Gimli out the window.)
Ron: Hey, did you guys do it? Where'd Snape come from?
Dumbledore: He was the one behind it.
Ron: Figures.
Draco: Haha! Check out Weasley! Hey did your mama make that outfit for you?
Ron: Shove it, Malfoy.
Ginny: Frodo! You're all right!
Frodo: Yeah.
Ginny: Why so sad?
Frodo: Oh. Don't worry about it.
Sam: Oh Master Frodo, I'm so glad your safe.
Frodo: Thanks Sam.
Gandalf: Legolas, where's the tequila?
Legolas: Gandalf, this isn't a time to drink!
Gandalf: Trust me, elf.
(Legolas retrieves a flask of tequila.)
Gandalf: Harry, drink this.
Harry: Awesome! (takes a drink) Hey! Why am I all bloody? And why is Aragorn looking at me like that?
Aragorn: Because you're trying to steal my chick!
Harry: What? Arwen? I don't like Arwen.
(Everyone gasps.)
Dumbledore: You see, Harry was under the influence of a love potion put on him by Snape, as is most of our company. Tequila is the antidote.
(The crowd parts and Herm and Merry are on the floor making out. Dumbledore advances with the tequila.)
Dumbledore: Drink this Hermione.
(She doesn't stop kissing Merry. Dumbledore grabs her by the hair and pulls her off of him.)
Herm: Hey! (Dumbledore pours tequila down her throat and down Merry's, then drops her back on him. She kisses him, then realizes what she's doing.) EWWWW!!! (gets up and runs)
Merry: Oh my God! Why was I making out with her?
Dumbledore: You were under a spell. Ginny, you're next.
Frodo: No!
Ginny: I don't really love Frodo?
Dumbledore: No, now drink.
Frodo: At least let us wait until we get back to Rivendell.
Wow, guys, I'm glad some people are liking this. And thank you for your compliments. Don't forget dear WaNdA now, she did write half of it. ( She's got her own page here now so go check her stuff out. It's mostly poems and parodies, but she's working on a story to put up (a serious one). It's some cool stuff.
Ch 27- You Bastard!
A/N: I, The Potions Mistress, wrote this chapter (not Wanda) because she didn't remember exactly how we wanted to end it.
(A mist envelopes Frodo as he opens the door.)
Frodo: Ewww. This stuff smells!
Voice: Muahahahaha!
Frodo: (trembling) Who- who- who's there?
Voice: The main baddie, the king of the mountain, the-
(voice chokes on smoke as it's owner comes into view)
Frodo: (gasp) You!
Snape: Yes me.
Frodo: But… but… you're one of us! You were at the Council of Elrond. And where are Sauramon and Voldemort?
Snape: Not here. They never were.
Frodo: But Aragorn said they saw…
Snape: It was me, you idiot! Voldemort is not that hard to imitate!
Frodo: But… Mr., I don't understand your evil plot. Could you please explain it to me in typical bad guy fashion?
Snape: (sighs) If I must. At Hogwarts, there are 4 houses: Slytherin, Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff, and Gryffindor. Weasleys, Potter, Granger, and Brown are in Gryffindor, Chang is a Ravenclaw, and Draco and myself are Slytherins. The Gryffindors and Slytherins have hated each other forever, probably because the damn Gryffindors are such holier-than-thou, self- righteous mama's boys, but that's besides the point. Either way, it seems as though Gryffindors are getting all the attention lately, and it's been pissing me off. In fact, the whole school would be better off without them, but how do I get rid of Hogwart's brightest? Then, I had a deliciously maliciously brilliant idea. I remembered this mirror, the mirror of Erised (waves wand and the mirror appears next to Frodo) and the real reason for its existence. The fact that it tells you what you most desire is a cover up- for the fact that if you run at it at full speed you get transported to middle earth. It's been used for centuries by our wizards to communicate with yours. I visited middle-earth and spoke to Sauramon dressed like the Dark Lord and made sure that people saw me. Of course, word got back to Dumbledore in a matter of days and, like the idiot I knew he'd be, he arranged a campaign to save middle-earth. He recruited Potter, Weasley, Minerva and I, not knowing of course that I was behind it, and we traveled to middle-earth to hatch a plan. I convieniently left the door to the room where the Mirror was open so some stupid kids would come in a play with it. And then, oh what do you know, Granger, Brown, Chang, and Weasley are in hobbitville.
Frodo: Hobbiton!
Snape: Whatever. So then, phase two of my plan: love potion time. They don't call me the Potions Master for nothing. I whipped up a tub and set to work behind the bushes. My first target was Brown, but Sybill, who was stupidly trying to get to Dumbledore, got in the way and I hit her and she pounced on you.
Frodo: (gasp) So you're the reason everyone is acting crazy: Legolas, Cho, Harry, Hermione, Merry, and…. (gasp)… Ginny!
Snape: Heh, heh, you thought she really loved you, didn't you stupid hobbit?
Frodo: So it's all been a spell. (tear falls down his cheek) But she sounded so genuine. Why? Why are you doing this?
Snape: Why? For the same reason you're crying right now. Do you want Ginny to leave middle-earth?
Frodo: Well, no, but…
Snape: Exactly. She doesn't want to leave either. Hermione's having a grand old time with her hobbit and Cho couldn't be happier with her ancient elf. Even Harry, who's love doesn't love him back, is content to keep on trying for her forever and Lavender is so heartbroken over elf-boy that she's too weary to continue. Do you see? None of the kids have any reason to leave middle-earth, so they won't and finally, Draco can be the greatest student at Hogwarts!
Frodo: So that's what this is about. But the sock, the factory, the Uruk- hai…
Snape: All diversions. Traps. And they worked pretty darn well too. I lured you guys in and eliminated all the members of your fellowship that could actually do anything to stop me. (turns around) Come Draco, we go to claim your prize.
Draco: (comes running from left) Ha! Now Slytherins will rule!
Snape: (pulls out wand) Go on hobbit, enjoy your life with Ginny. You seem like you are a nice little hobbit. And so, Mr. Baggins, I bid you adieu.
Frodo: No! I have to stop you.
Snape: (laughs) With what? You're a hobbit.
(Frodo thinks really hard and remembers something. Snape is about to go through the mirror. Frodo pulls out a jellybean.)
Frodo: Take this you overgrown bat!
(Frodo throws the jellybean at Snape. It hits him in the eye.)
Snape: (clutches eye) Ahhh! I'll get you hobbit!
(Rushes at him, clutches him by the collar and picks him up.)
Snape: Funny, there's now a direct conflict between The Potion's Mistress's two favorite characters. I wonder who will win…
(The door bangs open.)
Dumbledore: STOP!
Snape: Damn! Potions Mistress why have you forsaken me?
Random disembodied voice of TPM: 'Cause Frodo's cuter.
Snape: Damn!
Dumbledore: Your game is up Severus. Tell us the antidote now!
Snape: Ha! Right.
Dumbledore: EXPELLERAMOS!! (Snape's wand goes flying) Tell us now!
Snape: Never!
Gandalf: (drives his stake into the ground and sends shock waves to Snape. He flies up in the air and lands flat on his face) WHAT IS IT?
Draco: Get up, you idiot. I wanna go home. I want to see my mum and my dad and have my 20 house elves make my lunch and fluff my pillow and…
Snape: (in considerable pain) Shut-up, you spoiled brat. You're just like your father. Didn't you realize that if you were great I would be great as well?
Draco: So you did this all for yourself and not me? Take him, Headmaster, I miss the common room.
Dumbledore: (performs binding spell) What's the antidote?
Snape: (mutters) Tequila.
Gandalf: What?
Snape: TEQUILA! You know, like the song.
Frodo: No wonder Legolas was cured when he got drunk. Bring out the Jose Cuervo!
(The 5 leave the room and get to Legolas.)
Legolas: Hey you guys, come look at this.
Gandalf: No, elf. Frodo, pull out a jellybean.
(Frodo pulls one out and throws it at the corner of the mirror. It shatters.)
Dumbledore: Good shot Frodo!
Legolas: Wha? Hey what happened to me?
Gandalf: Don't worry about it. Just follow.
(They continue, find Arwen, Harry, and Aragorn and push Gimli out the window.)
Ron: Hey, did you guys do it? Where'd Snape come from?
Dumbledore: He was the one behind it.
Ron: Figures.
Draco: Haha! Check out Weasley! Hey did your mama make that outfit for you?
Ron: Shove it, Malfoy.
Ginny: Frodo! You're all right!
Frodo: Yeah.
Ginny: Why so sad?
Frodo: Oh. Don't worry about it.
Sam: Oh Master Frodo, I'm so glad your safe.
Frodo: Thanks Sam.
Gandalf: Legolas, where's the tequila?
Legolas: Gandalf, this isn't a time to drink!
Gandalf: Trust me, elf.
(Legolas retrieves a flask of tequila.)
Gandalf: Harry, drink this.
Harry: Awesome! (takes a drink) Hey! Why am I all bloody? And why is Aragorn looking at me like that?
Aragorn: Because you're trying to steal my chick!
Harry: What? Arwen? I don't like Arwen.
(Everyone gasps.)
Dumbledore: You see, Harry was under the influence of a love potion put on him by Snape, as is most of our company. Tequila is the antidote.
(The crowd parts and Herm and Merry are on the floor making out. Dumbledore advances with the tequila.)
Dumbledore: Drink this Hermione.
(She doesn't stop kissing Merry. Dumbledore grabs her by the hair and pulls her off of him.)
Herm: Hey! (Dumbledore pours tequila down her throat and down Merry's, then drops her back on him. She kisses him, then realizes what she's doing.) EWWWW!!! (gets up and runs)
Merry: Oh my God! Why was I making out with her?
Dumbledore: You were under a spell. Ginny, you're next.
Frodo: No!
Ginny: I don't really love Frodo?
Dumbledore: No, now drink.
Frodo: At least let us wait until we get back to Rivendell.