Chapter 07 – Broken-Hearted

(I don't own JSR or associated characters…I do own Kellaani, the characters of the various rudies apart from Triple-C, but I don't own the Noise Tank names. Please r+r!)

He couldn't decide. Well, that was true enough. Days formed weeks, and still I was meeting with him in secret, while he and Cube smooched whenever they had the chance.

In a way I was glad of it. It gave me something to think about other than homesickness, or Shiro. Who was dead. I knew he was. The fact that he kept turning up in my dreams was irrelevant. Coin was kind to me about that at least. He never made fun of me. He just held my hand, talked to me, until I'd stopped shivering.

It was harder and harder to be nice to Cube, so I avoided her. Which suited me. And Combo definitely didn't approve of me now. I think he was mad I wasn't pleased about Cube and Coin's relationship. So I avoided him too.

And Coin couldn't spend that much time with me, in case Cube made the connection. So all in all I was pretty lonely. I could picture Tokyo-to, far across the ocean, empty of me, things going on as normal. I wished I could go to Akina's grave.

I hated Coin and yet I loved him, and it made me feel like my brain was on a permanent rollercoaster. It seemed nowadays I could flare up over anything. Akina had been safe…

But I wasn't going to think about her now.

And then it was time for another earthquake in my life.

I was sitting in the loft, waiting for Coin. It was growing dark. Cube and Combo were out tagging, and he was going to make some excuse and slip away. The sky looked wintry, and the light in the loft feeble against it.

The door opened, and I stood up as Coin came in. He was still cute. Painfully so. I bit my lip, forced pictures of him and Cube together out of my mind, and let myself walk into his arms.

We kissed and kissed – and there was electricity, still, though you'd think it would have faded by now – and then he started pulling off my shirt, kissed my breasts, now that was good, we wriggled out of the rest of our clothes, dust from the floor smeared my skin, and we were close again –

The door opened.

We jumped violently. Sprang apart, both naked, and I grabbed my shirt and flung it over myself as Combo's eyes took us both in.

"Quit staring, pervert," I snapped.

"Love doesn't exist?" Combo threw my words back at me.

I glared at him.

"Where's Cube?" Coin's voice shook a little. I itched to hurt him.

"Still down there. I came back for more paint."

"Don't tell her, Combo. Please don't."

"No, do tell her," I said. "You said you'd decide. May as well make it today."

"I ain't telling her. We all are." Combo sounded very dark and angry. "I'm not going down there on my own and telling her you're two-timing her with another gang member. Firstly, she'll break my nose, and secondly, she deserves an explanation from the guilty one. You."

"Just keep your nose out of our relationship," I said. I couldn't believe how vicious my voice was turning. But I really had my back to the wall now. "Your relationship?" Combo said scornfully. "This is gonna screw up all the people I know in the world." He was speaking to Coin again now. "You know Cube ain't gonna stay if she finds out. You know she'll be furious. She'll leave and she'll try and hurt you. And you know you'll break her heart. She'll never admit it, but it'll snap in two if you leave her."

"Oh, please. She's hardly a delicate flower, is she?" I said. "A thistle, perhaps. Look, Coin, make your choice. Thanks to Cube's humungous guardian angel, it's gonna have to be her or me."

Coin swallowed. He was pale. Slowly he started to get dressed.

"Well?" I said. "Cat got your tongue?" I didn't want to nag him for an answer. I didn't want him to give me an answer because I knew I might lose him. And yet I couldn't keep quiet.

He was dressed now. He took my hands in his, stroked the fingers like he'd done when I woke up in terror that night weeks ago.

"Lana, I'm sorry," he said.

It was like I'd been stamped on.

"I – I really like you, and I'll never forget you. But I can't carry on with this. I was wrong to in the first place. I love Cube, and – and I can't hurt her now. I'm sorry about this. I really am."

"Don't be," I spat. "You bastard, I hate you and I wish you were dead!"

Coin turned away from me.

"Don't tell Cube," he said to Combo. "I will if I need to."

"And suppose I do?" I heard myself saying. Now most of my mind had gone into free fall, with just the angry bit left, working for us all.

Combo moved surprisingly quickly for someone so large. He pressed one enormous hand down on my shoulder, and growled, "You keep out of this. You done enough already. It's none of your business."

"Combo, they're not babies," I said, trying not to fly at him and dig my nails into his eyes. "Quit being their nanny and get a life of your own."

He ignored me, and he and Coin walked out of the room.

I don't remember getting dressed again. I don't remember waiting until I was sure the guys had reached the skate park. I don't remember taking their spray paint funds and getting out of the building. I don't remember walking back to the airport, or asking about planes to Tokyo, or waiting in the departure lounge.

All I remember is sitting on the plane as it took off, staring down at Grind City as it vanished beneath me, and feeling tears pour down my face until I didn't think I had any left.

I went back to the Sable Blades HQ. I'd only been away a month or so. It was still there. The seats were flayed bare, and Ringo lay beneath a dry, bloody blanket.

I didn't care. I curled up on one of the seats, and went to sleep.

When I woke up, it was night again. I couldn't be bothered to go and find something to eat. Maybe if I faded away to nothing I'd stop hurting so much. And there was a curious pleasure in starving myself. My stupid hormones may have broken my heart, but I wasn't going to allow my body to make all the demands.

Beneath the blanket, Ringo was a skeleton, decorated with scraps of black.

I saw a rat in the carriage, but I didn't disturb it. I felt like a rat myself at the moment.

I slept again.

Faces tumbled through my dreams, Shar, Dash, Jin, Gamma, Cube, Alex, Akina, Coin, my mother, Combo, Shiro, San, Jay, Data, Chiyo, Omega, Ringo. There was no order to them, just a confused memory when I woke up. It was daylight now. My stomach growled. I ignored it.

The tag I'd done for Ringo was still there, faded, but bright in the dingy carriage.

Sometimes a train ran past me, but never stopped.

Sleep was good. I could switch off, I didn't have to cope, I could hope that when I woke up a lot of things would have been a dream. I said Chiyo's words to me over and over again, using them to keep myself afloat.

In the whole world, no one cared where I was.

The seats were hard and bare, dug into my back. I could smell my own sweat. It seemed cold everywhere. I was losing count of time. Sometimes I cried. I no longer knew what for.

Footsteps on the gravel.

I sat up, blinked. I was shivering all over, and I felt sick.

A Noise Tank was watching me.

"Go on," I said, throat stinging. "Kill me. I don't care."

"Why should I want to?"

It wasn't Data or Omega.

"Who are you?" I said. I felt so strange. So awful.

"I'm Giga."

"Well, I kicked your head in, didn't I? You should hate me just as much as the others did."

Giga shrugged. "I don't remember that at the moment. I remember your face. Something bad…you did…I guess it's that. Data's out, and I don't like hanging with Omega. He doesn't like me."

His speech was direct, simple, free of any emotion. I wondered if he'd always been like this, or if it had been me who caused it.

"You don't look very well," he said. "Why aren't you in a house?"

"I don't have a fucking house to go to, bit-brain." I gritted my teeth against the waves of cold washing over me. "Just stop asking dumb questions and go away."

"You're a rudie. You should be in a gang."

"Your Omega slaughtered my gang."

"Find a new one."

"Like who? You won't take me and my IT skills suck anyway. The Poison Jam are a bunch of dummies. And there is no one else."

"What about the GGs?" Giga asked. "Or the Love Shockers?"

"Huh?" I wondered if I was getting amnesia to boot. "I've never heard of those two gangs."

"Haven't you?" Giga shrugged. "The Love Shockers are all girls. 'Love broke their hearts, and now they're looking to do some breaking of their own.' That's what Prof K says, anyway."

"And the GGs?"

"Oh, geez, they've been shoving into everyone's turf lately." Giga shrugged. "They tagged me, Omega and Data nine times."

(A/N: Yes, I know in the level 'Noise Reduction,' you have to tag them ten times but that will screw up my continuity so whoever did tag them in this was nice enough to let them off. Sorry.)

I shivered again, wishing my stomach would stop trying to crawl up my throat.

"And they've axed three members of the Poison Jammers, and three Love Shockers."

"Tagged them ten times?" Rudie law. Ten times, and you were out of the game. No skating, no tagging, no nothing.

"Uh-huh. Now they practically own all three districts. We're laying low. It's not much fun. Data's depressed and Omega keeps threatening to kill the GGs. Or me, when he's in a bad mood. Which he is a lot of the time."

"What's these GGs' style?" Despite my freewheeling stomach, I was interested.

"They don't seem to have one. They all dress different." Giga shrugged. "They're pretty big on teamwork, it looks like. All friends."

"Where do the Love Shockers hang out?" Being friendly was the last thing I wanted to do at the moment.

"In Shibuya-cho, in some abandoned factory. They have their sights set on that district, but I don't think they'll beat the GGs."

"All right, then." I stood up, and my legs wobbled. "I'll go there."

"You won't be able to skate like that," Giga said. He didn't sound worried, just observing. "You're all trembly."

"Well, what do you suggest I do?" I snapped.

"I don't know. Get something to eat, maybe," Giga said. "I'd better go. Data worries about me."

I watched him skate away. I had a small amount of loose change left from the plane ticket money. And maybe eating something would make me feel better.

Maybe I should start having a life again.

I went and bought some Cheetos. At first I was scared to eat, but after the first mouthful my stomach took over and made me wolf them down.

I saw my reflection in a shop window, and was frightened. I was dead pale, except for my eyes, which were red-rimmed, my hair was a mess, my clothes were crumpled and stained, and I had a stupidly panicked look on my face.

Well, no gang was going to want me if I represented a bag lady minus the bags.

But what could I do?

Footsteps behind me. I turned and saw two Noise Tanks. Neither of them were tall enough to be Omega, so I didn't panic…that much.

"Come on." I recognised Data's voice. "I don't know why Giga wants to help you, cos I sure don't, but you look like you need some help."

"I don't need your help, techno-babe," I snapped.

"Oh, stop being so stupid and come on. Look, it's not a trap, you know I hate hurting people. I don't like you much either but it looks like you've suffered enough for the moment."

Well, that was true. And what did I have to lose? It wasn't like anyone needed me.

I let them lead me back to their HQ.

"How do you know I won't come and tell someone where this is?" I asked as we wriggled through the secret entrance behind the boxes.

"I don't," Data said. "I told you, I don't want you here, but Giga does, and I let myself be talked into it." She put her hands on my shoulders and motioned me left. "The bathroom's that way. Go take a shower."

I don't know why they helped me. It's not like I did anything for them, before or since. But then, it's not like I did anything for anybody.

I walked out of the Noise Tank HQ clean, shiny, with new clothes. I had said thank you. Data didn't answer, but Giga said, "You're welcome," like we were friends.

I didn't understand Giga.

And then I made my way to Shibuya-cho.

I hadn't been here very much, but it was still familiar. Too familiar, in fact. It felt – all of Tokyo felt – like I'd never left, like nothing had changed.

Well, hopefully this would get rid of that feeling.

I followed Giga's directions, turned a corner, and came upon a huge, mouldering building, gashed with thin windows, most of which were broken.

Feeling suddenly queasy, I walked up to the main door and pushed it open.

The building consisted of a huge main hall bordered with metal walkways. Every sound echoed. In the centre of the hall stood a group of figures, all female.

I swallowed, and walked forward. My footsteps rang out in the emptiness, and they turned.

My mouth dropped open as I saw their faces. Talk about déjà vu.

Three of the girls were dressed identically, with pink spiked hair, eyepatches, black crop tops, pink and black shorts, and long, pink and white skates. I didn't recognise two of them, but the third one was – had to be – Jay, Alex's friend. And the two girls dressed normally were very familiar indeed. Shar and Dash.

"Kellaani?" Shar said, her voice sounding stupidly small in the huge building. "We thought – we thought –"

"Thought what?" I tried to act like I wasn't scared.

"We thought you were on the run," Dash said. "Your mum wouldn't tell us anything except you'd been a bitch and she never wanted to see you again and she hoped the cops would beat your brains out."

I felt slapped. Oh, well, another ally definitely lost.

"I was in Grind City," I said coolly. "But I decided I wanted to see the old place again."

"Are you saying you want to join our gang?" Jay demanded.

"Yes."

"Excuse me," one of the girls that I didn't recognise said. "But it's for people who've got dumped. Screwed around. Two-timed. Whatever. You can't just waltz in and decide you want to join."

I shrugged. "Oh, didn't I say? I got dumped in Grind City. He went back to his old girlfriend."

There were no tears now, just a black, growling rage.

"Can we believe you, Kellaani?" Jay asked.

"I'm telling the truth. If you don't believe me, accept me for what happened to Akina. You guys all remember that, right?"

All three girls looked a bit guilty.

"Fine," Jay said. "I know we haven't been friends before, but I guess if you're willing to make it up, then I will too."

"That's very kind of you," I said. "Who's your friend?"

"Oh, this is Kris, and this is Babs," Jay said. "Kris and I founded the gang."

"What about you guys?" I said to Shar and Dash. "Who broke your hearts?"

Shar shrugged. "Akio dumped me at last."

I raised my eyebrows. They'd been together, on and off, almost the whole time I'd known them.

"And I just found out my latest was cheating on me." Dash scowled. "Kellaani, I thought you…I thought you and Akina…how come you had a boyfriend in Grind City?"

"Guess I'm bi," I said. "That should make you happy, right? You weren't too keen on the Akina thing."

Dash shrugged and turned away.

"Okay then," Jay called. "Let's see your moves."

As we followed Kris, Babs and Jay out of the building, I noticed Dash and Shar were wearing skates. "Didn't know you guys were rudies."

"It keeps my weight down," Shar said. "And you can get skates dirt cheap if you know where to look. Look, Kellaani, you're not mad with me, are you?"

"Why should I be?"

"Well, you know…that whole Akina thing. I was just freaked, honestly." She lowered her voice. "Dash is a raving homophobic, but I was just…well, I'd never known and all."

"That's okay," I said sweetly as we reached the bus terminal. "I'm over it now."

"You ready?" Jay called. "Copy me!"

She leapt onto a railing, jumped the gap onto another one, then jumped again onto the banister of the steps to the bridge. She ground along the entire length of the bridge before sliding down the banister at the end, wall-riding off a billboard, landing on another railing, jumping across the road to another, grinding along that, wall-riding again, and landing back on the railing she'd started on.

I copied her pretty easily – the Triple-C test had been much harder. Shar and Dash didn't find it so good. I noticed they were still a bit unsteady on their skates, and hid a smirk.

They weren't my friends any more. Friends stuck up for you. Friends accepted you. Friends didn't turn their back and then about-face when you said you'd changed.

I'd play nice for the moment. But don't think I was gonna put myself out for them. Ever again.

"Guys, you're in," Jay called after conferring with Kris and Babs. "Well done. You'll be associates until you decide if this gang's for you, and if it is, we fix your hair for you." She touched a pink spike of her own hair as she spoke. No more braids for you, I thought.

"That's cool?"

We nodded.

"Then let's get moving."

I remember, after the three of us had been given Love Shocker uniform and skates, staring at them, then at myself. It was pretty freaky, seeing yourself dressed identically – and I mean identically – to two other people like that. We still had our height, and our skin tones, and our hair, but…

I'm just not used to being so obviously part of a team, I guess.

Giga was right about one thing. The Love Shockers weren't going to beat the GGs.

I was told there were six of them at the moment. Well, there may have been six of us, but that didn't mean we were equal.

Shar and Dash, as I said earlier, weren't too hot on their skates. So they basically made one good rudie between them. And me and Jay and Kris were pretty good, and Babs was reasonable, but I saw these GGs skate, and they were better.

And Kris was the only one of us who really knew Shibuya-cho, whereas all the GGs seemed to, more or less.

I wanted to be the best gang. I wanted to be one of the gangs who owned a district. I didn't want to be a nobody. But it looked like from the GGs' point of view, that's exactly who I was.

And I didn't like it. But there wasn't anything I could do. I wasn't going to quit another gang.

But I'd get some power if it was the last thing I did.

(R+r, r+r, r+r…)