Chapter 12 – Jailbird

(You know the disclaimer! Please r+r.)

Prison is totally not cool.

That was the thought that reverberated through my head after the first week of it.

I lay on the bottom bunk bed in my cell, cool draughts rushing in under the blanket and pinching the soles of my feet. A faint light filtered in through the yellowing plastic over the barred window. Unbreakable. Duh.

I suppose I was lucky in that, thanks to my work with Onishima, I was in the Juvenile Skaters' Correctional Facility rather than a plain old women's prison for attempted murderers, but it was difficult to see it that way.

I was sharing a cell with a Noise Tank (white uniform) and a skater-who-didn't-belong-to-Poison-Jam-Noise-Tanks-or-Love-Shockers (yellow uniform.) I got a pink uniform. Matched my hair, sort of.

The building was never, ever quiet. Someone always had a screaming fit, and doors slammed throughout the night, and footsteps bounced up and down the corridors. At least that stopped me thinking too much. I'd hit rock bottom now. A failed rudie. A spy and traitor. A member of a gang which had been decimated. A slut.

I didn't know how long I was in here for. This, apparently, was some bright spark's latest idea for depressing captured rudies. If you didn't know how long your sentence was going to last for, you couldn't plan, couldn't cross off the days, couldn't hope. Personally, I didn't see what the point of hoping was. I didn't have anyone out there waiting for me. And now, with most of us in jail, the GGs would be insufferable.

Of course, I remembered, staring up at the dusty underside of the top bunk, it could be that Onishima would never let me out, that he'd keep me as a spy until I got too old to convince other rudies. It wasn't a nice prospect.

Yeah, I did spy for him. I kept my ears open, and wrote to him when I found out anything. I didn't like it much, but there was nothing else I could do. If I didn't keep spying, then he might decide I was useless, and let Shiro get me after all. One or two nightmares had exactly that storyline, and it wasn't a pleasant one.

I didn't get much trouble from the other inmates. Not many people cared about the Love Shockers. I could fight back if anyone hassled me. And I did.

I didn't realise so many gang members had been captured. Noise Tanks and Poison Jammers and Love Shockers several years older than me, whom I'd never even met. Noise Tanks and Poison Jammers I could understand. Those gangs had been established for ages. But Love Shockers? Who knew where all these came from?

Each day I kept glancing at the yellow-dressed people, wondering if any of them could be Chiyo. Had Omega killed her?

I'd been there three weeks when I found out the truth.

It was in the dining hall. I wasn't eating much, because I was feeling queasy for some reason. Next to me was a yellow rudie, who'd told me her name was Tasha. She was a kid, but she wasn't actively hostile, so I tolerated her. And she was a brilliant eavesdropper, better than me. Onishima should thank her.

"Look, it's Romeo," Tasha said.

"Huh?"

She pointed to where a Noise Tank was entering the room. He had a guarded look on his face. Didn't look as though he could ever be happy.

"You didn't hear? That's his nickname."

"What's his real name?"

"Gamma."

It's lucky I wasn't eating, because I would have choked.

"Why – why are you calling him Romeo?"

"Because he had a Juliet. Until she died."

"What happened?"

"Him and this yellow girl were brought in, right? She'd been hurt, and he'd stayed to look after her and that's why he got caught. And she was a right bitch to everyone, everyone but him."

"How d'you mean?"

"He looked out for her, and he never got mad at her, and she…well, she was horrible to everyone, just horrible, but when she was with him she was different. We all saw it. People laughed at them for it, tried to hurt them, but it didn't matter."

"What happened to the girl?" I was trying to make sense of this new development, trying not to act surprised.

"Oh…she was mean to someone with powerful friends, and…" Tasha raised the plastic knife she was eating with. "I guess you don't know if you snap one of these in half – in the right way – you get a sharp point. They all did it, and then during lunch they cornered her while the guards were diverted. Cut her throat and she died. Everyone says Gamma's never been the same since."

Chiyo was dead. Funny, for ages I'd never thought about her. And yet now that I knew the truth, I was suddenly miserable.

But…Chiyo in love? It couldn't be. I remembered her words. Don't be nice. Use mental pain…what burns their minds… Love?

Well, you sure burned Gamma's mind. I glanced over at the Noise Tank. I'd never seen him without his mask before, but I could feel the pain scorched into his face.

You loved him? And he loved you?

I was still feeling ill, but under the physical nausea was an acidic ache of jealousy.

Bitch. I stabbed my fork into my stew. She'd lied to me. And she'd had love. She'd died knowing someone loved her.

And now he was hurting for it. I almost felt sorry for him, but the envy swirled through my thoughts like blood in water.

I really couldn't eat now.

The next morning I woke up a few minutes before we had to. As soon as I opened my eyes I knew why. I was gonna throw up.

I sprang out of bed, rushed over to the toilet, and was sick.

"Uhhh…geez, Love Shocker, some way to start the day. What's with you?" The Noise Tank girl leaned over the edge of her bunk.

I rubbed the sweat off my face, swallowed, and shrugged. "I dunno. Guess I'm sick."

"Feel like breakfast?"

"I do, actually."

"You're not sick, then. If you did you wouldn't want a king's banquet, let alone the crap they serve here."

"Well, what else could it be?"

"I don't know. Morning sickness, maybe?"

My stomach lurched again, but this time from horror.

"Heh…you don't mean that."

"Well, it's possible. Who you been screwing?"

"Oh…a guy."

Oh my god. Oh my god.

"When?"

"None of your business."

"Sorree." She rolled over away from me, and I knelt on the damp concrete floor, mind reeling.

I'd had unprotected sex twice in one night. Why hadn't I thought of it earlier? I'd missed a period, sure, but I'd put that down to stress. Which was pretty likely. But now it seemed…

Oh my god.

I went through the day on autopilot. It was hard not to. Every time I tried to think about anything else, backed it crashed into my head – I could have a baby growing inside me.

I hadn't been sick again. Pregnancy seemed depressingly likely. I wondered what I could do.

They wouldn't let me keep it, though, would they? There was no way of accommodating a child in this place. Even if they let me have it after I came out (if I did – no, remain positive) then it'd still be in care while I was inside.

Maybe I should tell Onishima. It could be his, after all. I wasn't going near Shiro. Though it would be interesting to see how he'd introduce it to my mum. Hello, darling. This is your stepchild. And your grandchild. Oh, didn't I tell you about Kellaani?…

No. Assume it's Onishima who's the guilty party. Let him decide what to do.

And so my next letter to him read thus:

…I don't know whether the Noise Tanks are still using the short cut, but you might want to check it out.

That's all for now. Except – oh, yes, I've been throwing up in the mornings. I could be pregnant, and I guess that makes you the daddy. Any thoughts?

That should produce a reaction.

The next day I decided to talk to Gamma.

Rudies of the same gang weren't allowed to associate with each other, but of course that wasn't a problem. I sauntered over to sit next to him during lunch, and the jealousy rose up again.

"What do you want, Love Shocker?"

"I heard about your girlfriend, Romeo."

Chiyo would have been proud of me. His face tensed, and I thought I saw his eyes shine too much.

"Your point being?"

"Hey, I'm just curious. After you went off with her in that cop car, I didn't hear anything more from you."

He looked at me, eyes narrowed. "How'd you know about that?"

"Well, I was in her gang."

"You were a Sable Blade?" I saw him struggle to remember. "There were two other girls…a redhead…and a dark-haired one…"

"Yep. My hair changed, as you can see. I was the one who you told to run. I talked to Chiyo. I'm just interested to see what happened."

Gamma shrugged. "What's to tell? They caught us. We came here. She lived, she died. That's all."

"All? I heard you lurrved each other."

Gamma's fist tightened on his fork. "Whatever."

"Oh, come on. Spill the beans."

"I don't want to, okay? I don't want to talk about her."

"Why? Scared we'll find out the relationship wasn't so sweet after all?"

"What's that supposed to mean?" He turned to face me. "You know nothing about her."

"I know a lot more than you'd think." I wasn't even sure why we were having this conversation, but there was a sense of having been beaten, or been made to look a fool, believing something that wasn't true.

"Oh, yeah? Like what?" Gamma's voice was rising in anger.

"She didn't love people. She thought that stuff was for wimps. And she didn't love you."

I kept my voice calm with an effort. Rage was thrashing in my head, and I didn't know why.

Gamma looked for a moment like he was going to hit me, then he closed his fury off again, and said, "Whatever. I know what I know. And what I definitely know is that you're jealous. I don't know why, I don't know what Chiyo told you, but I know what we had, and you can't ruin it for us whatever you do."

"Believe whatever you want," I said, putting sweetness into my voice. "No one will mind a prisoner being delusional."

I picked up my uneaten lunch, and walked away from him.

Chiyo was just like all the rest of them. Lying, just using me for her own ends. She hadn't meant all that stuff. I'd been relying on it for months, and she hadn't meant a scrap of it.

Well, that just underlined the fact that I was on my own.

A week later I was getting dressed when I was hauled out of my cell by two guards and hustled up into one of the meeting rooms remand people used to talk to their lawyers.

Onishima was in there, looking jumpy, tense and stressed.

"What the hell do you mean, you're pregnant?" he roared as soon as the door shut behind us.

"I mean, I appear to be pregnant," I said. "Why are you finding it so hard to believe? You didn't use protection. I didn't use protection. Therefore I draw the obvious conclusion –"

"Keep it down," he snapped. "Right. Okay. Do you know for sure?"

"No."

"I'll arrange – uh – some sorta test, then. If it turns out you are, you have the brat, then we shove it into care and it never finds out."

"That's a little harsh," I said.

"Oh, and who else is gonna look after it? You're nothing but rudie jailbait, and I'm not taking any responsibility for this."

I was tempted to tell him the baby could be Shiro's. But then I foresaw a sequence which I didn't like one bit.

Onishima would hear me making allegations against two officers.

He might then see that I liked to tell a lot of similar stories.

He might then see how this could be presented in court as something along the lines of: Delusional Girl Believes All Cops Are Evil.

And then he'd see a simple way out of his own problem, and then it would be Shiro Two: The Bastard Returns. And that would be so not cool.

No. Keep your mouth shut. Pretend to everyone it's Onishima's. Even to yourself.

I shrugged. "Whatever. But surely you'll have to give the social workers some proof of parentage?"

"Oh, I'm sure they won't care too much about some dumb Love Shocker who got herself pregnant by a guy whose name she didn't even know…"

Onishima glared at me.

"Okay, fine," I said. "Anything else you wanted to tell me?"

"You keep your mouth shut, or I withdraw my protection. Hokuju's been asking for you, he wants to see you."

"Don't let him, or I'm telling all."

Our eyes met. Both equally serious.

"Right," Onishima said at last. "And, yeah, before you ask, I'm leaving your spiky little gang alone. There's only two of them, so I'm focusing on the GGs. We're all square?"

"Of course we are," I said. "Now, can I return to daily life? I'm missing breakfast."

Onishima provided me with a test. And it was positive.

Now at night I'd lie there, thinking that inside me was growing, growing every day, another person, someone who'd grow up and be someone of their own, someone who'd only been made because I'd been desperate.

Poor kid.

The morning sickness passed eventually. As did time. I don't remember any incidents worth telling you during the pregnancy. Except one.

Just a piece of rudie gossip. I was sitting at breakfast listening to Tasha talking to someone, running through news on the outside.

"The GGs are still top," the other girl was saying. "No one else can get a look in. The Love Shockers are still around but they're laying low. There's only two of them, so…"

"How many GGs now?"

"Uhh…ten still."

"When I came in there was only six."

"Oh, well now there's this girl…and this weird guy…and these two American kids. They were looking for a friend, and they came over here and decided to stay."

"Did they find the friend?"

I tried to stop my hands shaking.

"No. Apparently, he was kidnapped by the Golden Rhinos –"

"You're kidding," Tasha said. "Why?"

"Something to do with a record. They destroyed his music collection. And his friends thought he might be over here, so they came, but Prof K said he was pulled too deep into the schemes of the Rokkaku, and no one knows what happened to him. Most think he snuffed it."

No one knows.

I wasn't sure whether to be happy or sad about this. Coin was dead? But he'd hurt me. He'd dropped me. But he was dead. Now there was no way he'd ever come back to me. Not that I wanted him to. Oh, I didn't know what to feel! Did he suffer? In a way I hoped he did. He'd hurt me bad enough.

Someone else who'd gone.

That night I wondered over it again and again, like a worrier pacing the same patch of carpet. It must have been something to do with that record. He'd sold it to the Rhinos…maybe he'd found out what they'd planned to do with it. What Goji had planned. And so he'd pulled out of the deal.

And then they'd come and kidnapped him? Smashed his records and left the loft empty? I wondered if they'd destroyed his entire collection. I pictured it, shattered records and ripped cover sleeves covering the floor like a landslide.

Had Combo and Cube seen it happen? Or had they just come in to be welcomed by the destruction? They must have followed the Rhinos' trail back to Tokyo, and joined the GGs. And then saved the world.

My mouth tasted bitter. Cube on the winning side as usual. Suddenly I realised I wasn't sorry for Coin. He'd broken my life. Serve him right to lose his own. What a pity his girl was still around.

I'll get you, Cube, I told myself. I didn't quote Chiyo's phrases now. No point. I didn't need her. I'll get you. You'll wish you'd never laid eyes on Coin by the time I'm through with you.

The scan showed I was pregnant with twins. Well, that was a shock. But I wasn't as surprised as I once would have been.

I was starting to forget life outside prison. Well, not forget, but consider as being in the past. Or like a dream. Maybe Onishima would keep me here forever, but I sometimes almost didn't care – and other times I wanted to scream with frustration at being trapped.

And days became identical, until I wondered if I was living the same one over and over again…

Until came the day which only ever happened once.

It was early morning, still dark – not that we really got much natural light. I woke up, and I lay there. And I didn't know why I'd woken. I only knew that something was wrong.

I lay there, listening to my heart pounding. Then it felt like an invisible hand gripped my stomach. I gritted my teeth until it let go. Oh, man. I was going into labour.

I could hear my breathing, loud in the small, silent cell. I tried to breathe more calmly. Okay, think, Kell, think. If I banged on the door – screamed for help – would they come? Or would they write it off as someone else with closet claustrophobia?

I didn't want to think. I wanted out of this body. Let someone else deal with it. No more pain, yet, just terror crawling all over me like ants that I was out of control, that I needed help.

I got out of bed. The cold hit my feet as I put them on the floor. As I stood up another pain hit me – no, a contraction, call it what it is. It reverberated down to the soles of my feet, and I clenched my fists.

"What are you doing?" a voice hissed.

I looked round. It was the Noise Tank.

"I'm just having a baby," I said. "Don't worry."

"No way."

"Don't ask stupid questions," I snarled. "Help me!"

I didn't know if she would, but she climbed down from her bunk, shoved her feet into her shoes, walked over to the door, and started banging on it and shouting.

"Helloooooo! Lady with a baby here, childbirth imminent, help would be appreeeciated! Is there anybody out there?"

"What the hell are you doing?" another sleepy voice snarled. I looked round to see our resident yellow girl glaring at us both. "Some of us would like to sleep tonight!"

"She's having a baby," the Noise Tank said.

The other girl rolled her eyes, and snapped, "Well, let her deal with it and shut up." Then she turned over and pulled her blanket over her head.

The Noise Tank ignored her and carried on calling.

"What if they don't come?" I asked.

"Then we'll have to pool our knowledge of natural childbirth, won't we?" She kicked the door this time, and yelped. "Damn…why'd they give us such crappy shoes?"

Footsteps outside, and a rattle of keys. A guard came in, and said, "What's all the noise about?"

The Noise Tank indicated me. "She's having her baby. Her time has come."

"Babies," I said. "It's twins."

"Right. You go back to bed."

The Noise Tank shrugged and climbed back up to her bunk. "Good luck, Love Shocker," she called.

"And you, get your shoes on and come with me."

The corridors were empty apart from us. Not quiet, of course. Never quiet. But it was still sufficiently different to seem eerie.

Another contraction hit me, and I bit down on my lip.

We reached the prison hospital at last. Even here they had the windows covered, and it was lit by strip lighting. The overdose of electric light in this place was starting to make me feel sick.

They said there was nothing they could do until transition, so I basically had to grin and bear it. I sat on the bed, one wrist cuffed to the metal headboard. Like I'd want to run away at the moment. I tried to think of something else, but the contractions kept dragging me back to reality.

I hated this. Fuck you, Onishima, I thought silently. Why couldn't you have had lazy sperm?

I'd better be careful I didn't let his name accidentally slip. Not for him, this was, but for me.

Ow. There was another one.

I didn't want to be here! I didn't want these babies, I wasn't going to be able to keep them anyway, why the hell did I have to go through this? It wasn't fair!

My face was speckled with sweat. Just hurry up and get out already, I thought to the kids. Then you can go away from me and we can all get on with our lives.

I was trying to keep count of the pain, but now it was coming too quickly to bother. I lost count, and gave up.

I could see sunlight through the plastic now. When had that happened? Around me, the prison echoed with voices as breakfast began. It was vaguely like when you get ill at school and you sit in the nurse's office while everyone else goes on with the day. Only – damn it – a lot – more painful.

Pain again.

And again.

Lasting longer now, prompting me to recite all the curses I could think of under my breath.

The nurse – midwife? – whatever – came back now, and as she did, I felt something detach inside me, and water ran down my legs. I guess that had meant my waters breaking, then. Why didn't I know more about this sort of stuff?

They checked me, and said I could start pushing now. Oh, thanks very much, at last I'm allowed to actually take steps to getting rid of these things! Hardly any gaps between contractions now. Inside me I'm being ordered to push, but it won't stop, and I'm still trying.

Onishima, you are gonna pay for this! I yelled out in my head as loud as I could. In real life I was restricted to 'ouch, ouch,' and not much else. I'm burning up, hot and sticky skin, do something, somebody get me out of here!

"I can see its head! Push!"

I did just that.

I felt something leave me, looked down, saw the midwife holding a baby. But it still wasn't stopping – of course, twins. Thank you so much, fate.

The second kid was born quicker, and I lay there, looking at these two tiny things I didn't know anything about. Tears were filling my eyes without me trying.

"Well done," the nurse said. "Do you want to hold them?"

I looked at them, feeling like my face was melting, and spat out, "No, take them away, stupid little brats, I don't want anything to do with them!"

Even as I screamed it I wanted to take them back, wanted to hold them, my babies, but I saw her face harden against me, and I kept my mouth shut. They shouldn't be mine, anyway. They had no father. And I was no good as a parent. They'd have proper parents, grow up happily, never know me, and that would be best.

It didn't stop me crying.