Disclaimer: Any and all LotR characters do not belong to me. I do not own
Mandé either, but I don't think she will mind if I borrow her. :)
A/N: Thank you
Darkmoon, Lady Amulan, T'girl and thecoffeebringer
A/N#2: Legolas is not gay in this story. I realize he comes across as being rather … feminine, but it's just his blondeness. Really. :)
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"Just kidding!" laughed Legolas.
"Legolas!" the others exclaimed.
"Like, WHAT?" he asked.
"He wasn't THERE on the phone when you called?" asked Aragorn nervously.
"Ya, so?" asked Legolas.
"Oh no! That probably means he's coming to kill us right now!" cried Aragorn.
"But he doesn't know where we are!" exclaimed Legolas. Just then, his cell phone rang.
"Hi!" exclaimed Legolas.
"You're in a hotel. I'll be there soon," said the killer.
"Okay, bye," said Legolas. "That was the killer," he reported. "He said he'll be here soon."
"Ahhh!" everyone screamed.
"What?" asked Legolas.
"He's coming HERE! To kill us! Run, everybody!" screamed Aragorn.
Finally Legolas realized what was going on, and he started running and screaming too. But everyone stopped short when they came outside. There lay Merry's body, quite dead, with a rubber chicken lying suspiciously nearby. Aragorn ran into the bushes to throw up.
"That was way rude," murmured Legolas.
After a few moments, they remembered their danger and began running away from the hotel, and out of Bree. They had just reached a rather large hilltop when the killer suddenly appeared, right behind them! They ran as fast as they could, but Pippin tripped. The killer was on top of him, in a completely non-homosexual way! Pippin struggled, and kicked the killer in a, um, sensitive area. He dropped to his knees, but Pippin wasn't fast enough. He was on him again. Legolas noticed and screamed, and everyone began running back. By the time they got there, he was already dead, a protractor gleaming not quite innocently next to the body.
Everybody began running. They were trying to outrun their pain and anger, but yeah. They didn't. They soon found themselves outside the house of Elrond, or, the Love Shack of the Elf with Butterfly Hair Clips. Frodo looked around, and then screamed.
"Like, what is your PROB, Frodo?" asked Legolas.
"The tree … Gandalf …" Frodo covered his mouth and stepped backwards.
Everybody turned to look at the tree on Elrond's front lawn. Legolas noticed Gandalf's body in the tree. He just didn't notice the dead part.
"Oh Gandalf!" Legolas crowed. "You just have to take me to get highlights done this weekend. I am totally sick of being a pure platinum." Legolas looked expectantly at Gandalf. "Gandalf? GANDALF? I'll, like, get naked," he offered.
"YES IN THE NAME OF ALL THINGS SANCTIMONIOUS TAKE OFF ALL YOUR CLOTHES!" screamed Mandé, Legolas' FanGirl.
"Umm, how about no," said Boromir. With that being said, he proceeded to climb into the tree and pretend to be Gandalf.
"Yes, yes, I'll take you to get highlights done," said "Gandalf."
"Come on. Let's get out of here," said Frodo.
"Good idea," said Aragorn.
So they started to run again, for what seemed like hours. Soon, they came to the Mines of Moria. They took shelter inside one of the catacombs, because there was no password, because this story really in no way follows the book.
Legolas' cell phone began ringing.
"'Lo?" asked Legolas.
"Hello, Legolas."
"You meanie, I CANNOT believe that you just killed Pippin, Merry and Gandalf! You are a MO-RON! I will NEVER consider dating you ever again."
"But Legolas isn't gay," said Boromir.
"Yes, but do you think he realizes that the person he is talking to isn't a girl?" asked Aragorn.
"Probably not," said Boromir.
"I can see you. You're going to die tonight, Legolas," said the killer.
"Oh, like really? Can you see the stain on my $900 Gucci tunic? Give me your address! And where's that pizza?"
"Yes, I can see you. You are in the Mines of Moria," he said.
"Well, can you see what I'm doing now?" asked Legolas, flashing the phone.
"You're flashing the phone, Legolas. You're going to die tonight."
"Wait, how old are you?" asked Legolas nervously.
"I'm not telling you."
"Well, are you over 4,287?"
"No."
"Are you under, ummm, 18?"
"No."
"Okay, good," said Legolas.
"You're going to die tonight, Legolas."
"You keep saying that. Is this, like, a recording or something?" asked Legolas.
"You're going to die tonight, Legolas."
"Omigosh, this is a recording!" cried Legolas. She looked over to the corner of the catacomb, where she discovered a tape recorder. "I can't believe I almost had phone sex with a tape recorder!"
"How did he know Legolas was going to flash the phone?" asked Aragorn.
"Legolas is so predictable," responded Frodo.
The cell phone began ringing again.
"Hello, Legolas."
"You know what? I'm cheesed now. Give me your address. I'll order the pizza myself. This is a new millenium and pointy ears are IN! So I'm going to take my liberties and order my own pizza!" he hung up the phone angrily.
He then dialed Domino's delivery and put in an order for an extra large triple cheese pizza with anchovies. "Hmph. That should show him," declared Legolas. The others looked skeptical. They really didn't think that the killer would care if Legolas ordered his own pizza.
"Ring, ring," went Legolas' cell phone.
He picked it up. "Hi! Legolas speaking."
"You're going to die tonight, Legolas," said the killer.
"Umm, like, no. I've think we've been through this enough times to know that I am NOT going to die tonight. You're just trying to make yourself feel better."
"You will die soon. I am coming to get you."
"Like, I feel for you. I can sign you up for a class that will help you cope with those feelings. You just have to, like, give me your name."
"Shut up, Legolas. You're going to die, and you know it."
"Am not. Just give me your name and I'll sign you up for a class that can help. The sessions are usually on Tuesdays and Fridays from one o'clock to four o'clock, but if that's bad for you there are other sessions on-"
Legolas was cut off by the killer's angry voice. "I don't need a stupid counseling session. I'm fine. You're going to die tonight. You should be worried about yourself." With that, the killer hung up.
"Like how rude," said Legolas. "I'll just have to call him back and teach him a lesson." Legolas dialed his number, only to hear:
~This isn't the machine of a guy named Miller
This is the machine of your local killer
If you don't leave a message after the tone
I'll kill you next time you're alone
It is you I want to kill
And Legolas, I'm not paying your dry cleaning bill~
"Dang, I like, got his machine," said Legolas angrily.
"Wait, if you got his machine, that means he's coming out to kill us!" Aragorn said.
"We should get out of here," said Frodo.
"Good idea," said Boromir.
"Wait!!!!!" screeched Legolas. "I want to sign the killer up for those counseling classes. It'll take like, two seconds," he guessed. He dialed the number.
"Hello? Hi, my name is Legolas and I'd like to sign my friend up for a counseling class. What's his name? I don't know. But he's an insane psychopathic killer and I thought he needed guidance. Tuesday and Friday from one to four? Great. I'll tell him. Thanks. 'Bye!" Legolas hung up the phone. "See? All done. Now, don't you feel good about yourself?"
"We should be getting out of here," said Frodo nervously.
"Yeah," agreed Aragorn.
They all exited the Mines and began to run.
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A/N: Another not so good place, I know. You'd think after three chapters I'd have figured this out by now. Guess not. Review anyway, please?
A/N: Thank you
Darkmoon, Lady Amulan, T'girl and thecoffeebringer
A/N#2: Legolas is not gay in this story. I realize he comes across as being rather … feminine, but it's just his blondeness. Really. :)
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"Just kidding!" laughed Legolas.
"Legolas!" the others exclaimed.
"Like, WHAT?" he asked.
"He wasn't THERE on the phone when you called?" asked Aragorn nervously.
"Ya, so?" asked Legolas.
"Oh no! That probably means he's coming to kill us right now!" cried Aragorn.
"But he doesn't know where we are!" exclaimed Legolas. Just then, his cell phone rang.
"Hi!" exclaimed Legolas.
"You're in a hotel. I'll be there soon," said the killer.
"Okay, bye," said Legolas. "That was the killer," he reported. "He said he'll be here soon."
"Ahhh!" everyone screamed.
"What?" asked Legolas.
"He's coming HERE! To kill us! Run, everybody!" screamed Aragorn.
Finally Legolas realized what was going on, and he started running and screaming too. But everyone stopped short when they came outside. There lay Merry's body, quite dead, with a rubber chicken lying suspiciously nearby. Aragorn ran into the bushes to throw up.
"That was way rude," murmured Legolas.
After a few moments, they remembered their danger and began running away from the hotel, and out of Bree. They had just reached a rather large hilltop when the killer suddenly appeared, right behind them! They ran as fast as they could, but Pippin tripped. The killer was on top of him, in a completely non-homosexual way! Pippin struggled, and kicked the killer in a, um, sensitive area. He dropped to his knees, but Pippin wasn't fast enough. He was on him again. Legolas noticed and screamed, and everyone began running back. By the time they got there, he was already dead, a protractor gleaming not quite innocently next to the body.
Everybody began running. They were trying to outrun their pain and anger, but yeah. They didn't. They soon found themselves outside the house of Elrond, or, the Love Shack of the Elf with Butterfly Hair Clips. Frodo looked around, and then screamed.
"Like, what is your PROB, Frodo?" asked Legolas.
"The tree … Gandalf …" Frodo covered his mouth and stepped backwards.
Everybody turned to look at the tree on Elrond's front lawn. Legolas noticed Gandalf's body in the tree. He just didn't notice the dead part.
"Oh Gandalf!" Legolas crowed. "You just have to take me to get highlights done this weekend. I am totally sick of being a pure platinum." Legolas looked expectantly at Gandalf. "Gandalf? GANDALF? I'll, like, get naked," he offered.
"YES IN THE NAME OF ALL THINGS SANCTIMONIOUS TAKE OFF ALL YOUR CLOTHES!" screamed Mandé, Legolas' FanGirl.
"Umm, how about no," said Boromir. With that being said, he proceeded to climb into the tree and pretend to be Gandalf.
"Yes, yes, I'll take you to get highlights done," said "Gandalf."
"Come on. Let's get out of here," said Frodo.
"Good idea," said Aragorn.
So they started to run again, for what seemed like hours. Soon, they came to the Mines of Moria. They took shelter inside one of the catacombs, because there was no password, because this story really in no way follows the book.
Legolas' cell phone began ringing.
"'Lo?" asked Legolas.
"Hello, Legolas."
"You meanie, I CANNOT believe that you just killed Pippin, Merry and Gandalf! You are a MO-RON! I will NEVER consider dating you ever again."
"But Legolas isn't gay," said Boromir.
"Yes, but do you think he realizes that the person he is talking to isn't a girl?" asked Aragorn.
"Probably not," said Boromir.
"I can see you. You're going to die tonight, Legolas," said the killer.
"Oh, like really? Can you see the stain on my $900 Gucci tunic? Give me your address! And where's that pizza?"
"Yes, I can see you. You are in the Mines of Moria," he said.
"Well, can you see what I'm doing now?" asked Legolas, flashing the phone.
"You're flashing the phone, Legolas. You're going to die tonight."
"Wait, how old are you?" asked Legolas nervously.
"I'm not telling you."
"Well, are you over 4,287?"
"No."
"Are you under, ummm, 18?"
"No."
"Okay, good," said Legolas.
"You're going to die tonight, Legolas."
"You keep saying that. Is this, like, a recording or something?" asked Legolas.
"You're going to die tonight, Legolas."
"Omigosh, this is a recording!" cried Legolas. She looked over to the corner of the catacomb, where she discovered a tape recorder. "I can't believe I almost had phone sex with a tape recorder!"
"How did he know Legolas was going to flash the phone?" asked Aragorn.
"Legolas is so predictable," responded Frodo.
The cell phone began ringing again.
"Hello, Legolas."
"You know what? I'm cheesed now. Give me your address. I'll order the pizza myself. This is a new millenium and pointy ears are IN! So I'm going to take my liberties and order my own pizza!" he hung up the phone angrily.
He then dialed Domino's delivery and put in an order for an extra large triple cheese pizza with anchovies. "Hmph. That should show him," declared Legolas. The others looked skeptical. They really didn't think that the killer would care if Legolas ordered his own pizza.
"Ring, ring," went Legolas' cell phone.
He picked it up. "Hi! Legolas speaking."
"You're going to die tonight, Legolas," said the killer.
"Umm, like, no. I've think we've been through this enough times to know that I am NOT going to die tonight. You're just trying to make yourself feel better."
"You will die soon. I am coming to get you."
"Like, I feel for you. I can sign you up for a class that will help you cope with those feelings. You just have to, like, give me your name."
"Shut up, Legolas. You're going to die, and you know it."
"Am not. Just give me your name and I'll sign you up for a class that can help. The sessions are usually on Tuesdays and Fridays from one o'clock to four o'clock, but if that's bad for you there are other sessions on-"
Legolas was cut off by the killer's angry voice. "I don't need a stupid counseling session. I'm fine. You're going to die tonight. You should be worried about yourself." With that, the killer hung up.
"Like how rude," said Legolas. "I'll just have to call him back and teach him a lesson." Legolas dialed his number, only to hear:
~This isn't the machine of a guy named Miller
This is the machine of your local killer
If you don't leave a message after the tone
I'll kill you next time you're alone
It is you I want to kill
And Legolas, I'm not paying your dry cleaning bill~
"Dang, I like, got his machine," said Legolas angrily.
"Wait, if you got his machine, that means he's coming out to kill us!" Aragorn said.
"We should get out of here," said Frodo.
"Good idea," said Boromir.
"Wait!!!!!" screeched Legolas. "I want to sign the killer up for those counseling classes. It'll take like, two seconds," he guessed. He dialed the number.
"Hello? Hi, my name is Legolas and I'd like to sign my friend up for a counseling class. What's his name? I don't know. But he's an insane psychopathic killer and I thought he needed guidance. Tuesday and Friday from one to four? Great. I'll tell him. Thanks. 'Bye!" Legolas hung up the phone. "See? All done. Now, don't you feel good about yourself?"
"We should be getting out of here," said Frodo nervously.
"Yeah," agreed Aragorn.
They all exited the Mines and began to run.
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A/N: Another not so good place, I know. You'd think after three chapters I'd have figured this out by now. Guess not. Review anyway, please?