Disclaimer: Characters … are not mine, Scream … is not mine, plot … is 50%
mine. Not a bad deal.
Thank you: mandé (as usual, thank you), Darkmoon (no, "accidents" happen), :), AJ Matthews, koolallie (grazie), Sera (I didn't mean to do that, he's just so effeminate ( and no, this doesn't actually follow … anything), and Prisca. Thanks x 1 million!
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"Why don't you call 911?" panted Boromir.
"Like, good idea," said Legolas. He picked up his cell phone and dialed 911.
"Hello? 911 Emergency Service," said an effeminate, however masculine, voice.
"Like, hi! My name is Legolas, and me and my friends are running away from this killer guy, you know, like in Scream?" said Legolas.
"You're kidding! Where are you? How far away is he?"
"I can only answer one question at a time!" Legolas whined.
"Okay, okay! Where are you?"
"Ummmmm … here comes a street sign … Woods of Lothlòrien?"
"Okay, we'll send a squad car right over! How far away is he?" asked the 911 guy.
"Oh, wow, I'm like the I worst I/ judge of differences … Frodo, how far away do you think he is? … two and a half blocks," reported Legolas.
"Blocks? Since when did we measure distances in forests by blocks?" wondered Boromir aloud.
"That's IT? Run fast!" he exclaimed. "We'll have the car over there in about five minutes."
"Well, if we're going to be talking to one another," began Legolas, "what's your name?"
"Uhhh … Gimli," said the 911 guy.
"Okay, like, HI, Gimli! It's so good to talk to you! We haven't spoken in, like, AGES!"
"Okaaaay," Gimli mumbled. "Look, Legolas, stay somewhere where we can find you."
"Okay, we'll be on Galadriel's porch."
"Well, why don't you go inside?"
"Because if he's inside, he'll kill us!" whimpered Legolas. "So we'll wait on the porch."
"But don't you think if he's so close to you, he'll kill you if you wait on the porch?"
"Okay then, we'll go inside!"
"No, Legolas! Just keep running!" Gimli said, fearing that it was already too late.
"Oh, FYI, he's TWO blocks away now," said Legolas.
"Run, Legolas!" said Gimli.
"I am," said Legolas. "So, like, when's this cop car coming?"
"3½ minutes."
"Okay, he's 1½ blocks away now," said Legolas.
"Run, Legolas!" Gimli shouted.
"I AM running! Look, if this friendship is going to last, you have to stop assuming what I am and am not doing, okay?"
"Uhh, sure Legolas. 2 minutes," Gimli reported.
"1 block," responded Legolas.
"RUN LEGOLAS!"
"I AM! STOP ASSUMING THINGS!!!!"
"All right, Legolas. Just stay calm and keep running. 30 seconds!"
"Like, half a block," said Legolas, oblivious to his danger. Just then, two squad cars came screaming up.
"Get in!" yelled the cops driving them.
Aragorn and Boromir got in one car, and Legolas and Frodo got in the other.
"This is TOO weird," said Boromir as they began to drive off.
"No kidding," seconded Aragorn.
In the other car, Legolas was saying: "Wait? Where is he? I want to be SURE he saw the stain on this $900 Gucci tunic!"
Suddenly, Aragorn and Boromir's car stopped short. The killer had leapt onto the roof of the car! The men screamed like little girls. A hand reached out from the killer's robe, holding a Boogey Bass®. The bass shot through the side window of the car, killing the driver!
Aragorn and Boromir tried to force open the car doors. But since it was a cop car, the door refused to budge. They screamed girlishly again as the killer stared right at them. They froze under his icy gaze.
Then, in one swift motion, with the assistance of his partners in crime (the Bohemian Monkey Guerilla Group), he set the auto-destruct on the car, leapt out and slammed and locked the car door!
"Ahhh!" screamed Boromir.
"How do you turn off the auto-destruct?" asked Aragorn.
"You don't!" responded Boromir.
While Aragorn tried to break open the door, Boromir tried to get through the plastic divider. Both were unsuccessful. The auto-destruct was counting down … 5 … 4 … 3 … 2 … 1 …
The car blew up.
"Wow, is it the Fourth of July already?" asked Legolas.
"No, that was the other car blowing up! Besides, you don't celebrate the Fourth of July!" screamed Frodo.
"So? What's that mean?" asked Legolas, indicating the ball of fire that used to be a car.
"It mean that Aragorn and Boromir are dead!"
"Omigosh, how RUDE!" exclaimed Legolas.
The cop driving their car sped up, and made it back to base in record time. The female cop led the two males into the headquarters, unaware that the killer had followed them in …
"Ummm, I need to use the little elves' room," said Legolas.
"Right NOW?" asked Frodo.
"Yesssssss!" whined Legolas, visibly holding it in. The cop showed him to the bathroom, and Legolas happily went inside.
While he was inside, Frodo asked the cop about a strange looking ring. "If I didn't know better, I'd say that ring was the One Ring. What IS it?" he asked.
The cop smiled. "That's our new high-tech weapon, the King Ring Stun Gun 1000." She put the ring on her finger, and out popped a small trigger. The cop loaded the ring with two pellets of old fish food, took aim, and fired a shot, perfectly hitting the center of a bullseye.
"Wow," said Frodo, impressed. "I'm impressed." The cop put the ring back on her desk after pushing the trigger back in.
"I'm back!" announced Legolas.
"Okay, Leggy. I think some of Aragorn's psychic powers wore off on me, so I'm going to guess what you're going to say next."
"Umm … Okay, but Frodo …"
"Okay one: That guy didn't pay my dry cleaning bill yet."
"Well, that doesn't really matter right now …"
"Okay, two: Where is that pizza?"
"Umm … Frodo …"
"None of those? Okay, well, how about three: The killer is right behind you, Frodo!"
"YA!" said Legolas.
Frodo screamed and turned around, right onto the killer's Hello Kitty® doll. He dropped to the floor, dead. Legolas stared with his mouth open in indignation.
"That was way rude!" he exclaimed. The cop charged the killer, but was stopped short by some other incongruous object that one wouldn't normally assume causes fatalities. Legolas found himself alone in the room with the killer.
The killer came slowly towards Legolas. You could almost hear him smiling behind his mask. Legolas backed up against the cop's desk. He accidentally knocked his hand against the ring.
"Isn't this Frodo's?" he wondered aloud.
"Do you honestly think that will stop me? For too long, you've stolen the movie. I should be the star, not you. Well, blondie, your days are numbered. You're going to die tonight," said the killer. Where had Legolas heard that voice before?
Legolas accidentally slipped the ring onto his finger, causing the trigger to pop out. The killer was less than five feet away!
"What's this do?" he asked aloud, pulling the trigger. The single pellet of old fish food flew out of the ring and landed straight in the killer's heart. He fell down, dead, the razor he had been planning to use on Legolas' hair still in his hand.
"Omigosh!" said Legolas. He cautiously bent forward. "Eww," he mumbled, staring at the body. But then … brainstorm! Legolas decided to unmask the killer! He carefully reached his hand forward and pulled off the mask …
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TBC, Mwa ha ha ha ha!
Thank you: mandé (as usual, thank you), Darkmoon (no, "accidents" happen), :), AJ Matthews, koolallie (grazie), Sera (I didn't mean to do that, he's just so effeminate ( and no, this doesn't actually follow … anything), and Prisca. Thanks x 1 million!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Why don't you call 911?" panted Boromir.
"Like, good idea," said Legolas. He picked up his cell phone and dialed 911.
"Hello? 911 Emergency Service," said an effeminate, however masculine, voice.
"Like, hi! My name is Legolas, and me and my friends are running away from this killer guy, you know, like in Scream?" said Legolas.
"You're kidding! Where are you? How far away is he?"
"I can only answer one question at a time!" Legolas whined.
"Okay, okay! Where are you?"
"Ummmmm … here comes a street sign … Woods of Lothlòrien?"
"Okay, we'll send a squad car right over! How far away is he?" asked the 911 guy.
"Oh, wow, I'm like the I worst I/ judge of differences … Frodo, how far away do you think he is? … two and a half blocks," reported Legolas.
"Blocks? Since when did we measure distances in forests by blocks?" wondered Boromir aloud.
"That's IT? Run fast!" he exclaimed. "We'll have the car over there in about five minutes."
"Well, if we're going to be talking to one another," began Legolas, "what's your name?"
"Uhhh … Gimli," said the 911 guy.
"Okay, like, HI, Gimli! It's so good to talk to you! We haven't spoken in, like, AGES!"
"Okaaaay," Gimli mumbled. "Look, Legolas, stay somewhere where we can find you."
"Okay, we'll be on Galadriel's porch."
"Well, why don't you go inside?"
"Because if he's inside, he'll kill us!" whimpered Legolas. "So we'll wait on the porch."
"But don't you think if he's so close to you, he'll kill you if you wait on the porch?"
"Okay then, we'll go inside!"
"No, Legolas! Just keep running!" Gimli said, fearing that it was already too late.
"Oh, FYI, he's TWO blocks away now," said Legolas.
"Run, Legolas!" said Gimli.
"I am," said Legolas. "So, like, when's this cop car coming?"
"3½ minutes."
"Okay, he's 1½ blocks away now," said Legolas.
"Run, Legolas!" Gimli shouted.
"I AM running! Look, if this friendship is going to last, you have to stop assuming what I am and am not doing, okay?"
"Uhh, sure Legolas. 2 minutes," Gimli reported.
"1 block," responded Legolas.
"RUN LEGOLAS!"
"I AM! STOP ASSUMING THINGS!!!!"
"All right, Legolas. Just stay calm and keep running. 30 seconds!"
"Like, half a block," said Legolas, oblivious to his danger. Just then, two squad cars came screaming up.
"Get in!" yelled the cops driving them.
Aragorn and Boromir got in one car, and Legolas and Frodo got in the other.
"This is TOO weird," said Boromir as they began to drive off.
"No kidding," seconded Aragorn.
In the other car, Legolas was saying: "Wait? Where is he? I want to be SURE he saw the stain on this $900 Gucci tunic!"
Suddenly, Aragorn and Boromir's car stopped short. The killer had leapt onto the roof of the car! The men screamed like little girls. A hand reached out from the killer's robe, holding a Boogey Bass®. The bass shot through the side window of the car, killing the driver!
Aragorn and Boromir tried to force open the car doors. But since it was a cop car, the door refused to budge. They screamed girlishly again as the killer stared right at them. They froze under his icy gaze.
Then, in one swift motion, with the assistance of his partners in crime (the Bohemian Monkey Guerilla Group), he set the auto-destruct on the car, leapt out and slammed and locked the car door!
"Ahhh!" screamed Boromir.
"How do you turn off the auto-destruct?" asked Aragorn.
"You don't!" responded Boromir.
While Aragorn tried to break open the door, Boromir tried to get through the plastic divider. Both were unsuccessful. The auto-destruct was counting down … 5 … 4 … 3 … 2 … 1 …
The car blew up.
"Wow, is it the Fourth of July already?" asked Legolas.
"No, that was the other car blowing up! Besides, you don't celebrate the Fourth of July!" screamed Frodo.
"So? What's that mean?" asked Legolas, indicating the ball of fire that used to be a car.
"It mean that Aragorn and Boromir are dead!"
"Omigosh, how RUDE!" exclaimed Legolas.
The cop driving their car sped up, and made it back to base in record time. The female cop led the two males into the headquarters, unaware that the killer had followed them in …
"Ummm, I need to use the little elves' room," said Legolas.
"Right NOW?" asked Frodo.
"Yesssssss!" whined Legolas, visibly holding it in. The cop showed him to the bathroom, and Legolas happily went inside.
While he was inside, Frodo asked the cop about a strange looking ring. "If I didn't know better, I'd say that ring was the One Ring. What IS it?" he asked.
The cop smiled. "That's our new high-tech weapon, the King Ring Stun Gun 1000." She put the ring on her finger, and out popped a small trigger. The cop loaded the ring with two pellets of old fish food, took aim, and fired a shot, perfectly hitting the center of a bullseye.
"Wow," said Frodo, impressed. "I'm impressed." The cop put the ring back on her desk after pushing the trigger back in.
"I'm back!" announced Legolas.
"Okay, Leggy. I think some of Aragorn's psychic powers wore off on me, so I'm going to guess what you're going to say next."
"Umm … Okay, but Frodo …"
"Okay one: That guy didn't pay my dry cleaning bill yet."
"Well, that doesn't really matter right now …"
"Okay, two: Where is that pizza?"
"Umm … Frodo …"
"None of those? Okay, well, how about three: The killer is right behind you, Frodo!"
"YA!" said Legolas.
Frodo screamed and turned around, right onto the killer's Hello Kitty® doll. He dropped to the floor, dead. Legolas stared with his mouth open in indignation.
"That was way rude!" he exclaimed. The cop charged the killer, but was stopped short by some other incongruous object that one wouldn't normally assume causes fatalities. Legolas found himself alone in the room with the killer.
The killer came slowly towards Legolas. You could almost hear him smiling behind his mask. Legolas backed up against the cop's desk. He accidentally knocked his hand against the ring.
"Isn't this Frodo's?" he wondered aloud.
"Do you honestly think that will stop me? For too long, you've stolen the movie. I should be the star, not you. Well, blondie, your days are numbered. You're going to die tonight," said the killer. Where had Legolas heard that voice before?
Legolas accidentally slipped the ring onto his finger, causing the trigger to pop out. The killer was less than five feet away!
"What's this do?" he asked aloud, pulling the trigger. The single pellet of old fish food flew out of the ring and landed straight in the killer's heart. He fell down, dead, the razor he had been planning to use on Legolas' hair still in his hand.
"Omigosh!" said Legolas. He cautiously bent forward. "Eww," he mumbled, staring at the body. But then … brainstorm! Legolas decided to unmask the killer! He carefully reached his hand forward and pulled off the mask …
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TBC, Mwa ha ha ha ha!