by GomaMizu
A/N - Very angsty songfic from me. The song I used is "Blue," which is the final end theme from "Cowboy Bebop." The ending part of this was sort of inspired by that, but not by much. Okay...Things you should know...If you haven't read my big fic, Ikiru is Tai and Koushiro's son, born as part of a male pregnancy experiment(that explains the 'freak of nature' thing). Kaori is Koushiro's kid from the 02 epilogue....Ikiru is 15 and Kaori is 14 in this fic...and I'm not going to do the math on how old Tai and Koushiro are! :P (Probably in their 30s)
Never seen a bluer sky
I sat on the roof, watching random clouds roll by. I barely heard my sister calling my name. Nor could I really care at the moment. I was too wound up in self-pity.
"Ikiru!" She called out to me for probably the third or fourth time.
"Yeah?" I finally answered.
"What are you doing up here?" She asked, apparently concerned. How touching.
"Thinking." I answered. Kaori walked up next to me and leaned against the railing.
"'Bout what?" She asked.
I sighed. "Life."
"The jerks again?" She asked. I nodded.
Yeah I can feel it reaching out
and moving closer
I looked out at the clouds, wishing I could be one. Then I wouldn't have to worry about being teased, picked on, beat up constantly... I finally stood up straight and turned around to face my sister. Kaori gasped as she saw my newly blackened eye.
"Ikiru-kun! You can't go on like this...You have to tell someone." She told me. Actually, she's told me that every day since she found out.
"Why?" I asked, sighing. "They can't do anything, and Chichi would probably beat the crap out of the kids doing this, while Otou-san would try to talk it out and get his face rearranged."
Kaori sat gingerly on the ledge, facing me. "Ikiru, don't talk that way. You know we care about you."
There's something 'bout blue
"Leave me alone, sis..." I said, heading inside for an ice pack to place on my face.
Asked myself what it's all for
You know the funny thing about it
I couldn't answer
No, I couldn't answer
Everyday of my life, I wonder, why was I born? Everyone calls me a freak of nature, and the sad thing is, I know they're right. I know my parents love me, my grandparents do too, even Kaori-chan does...But is all the love in the world of your family enough when you can't love yourself?
It's not enough for me. I rolled over in my bed to face the wall. Somedays I just wonder why I even bother getting out of bed anymore. 'To get the beating that you're going to get for the day, Ikiru' I heard some sadistic part of my brain answer. I sighed. I heard a knock on my door.
"Ikiru? It's time for school. Kaori's already left." I heard my otousan say.
"I'm up." I said, not facing him. 'Another day, another beating.' I thought to myself as I got dressed quickly. I ran out the door quickly to hopefully avoid any questions about the black eye.
Things have turned a deeper shade of blue
and images that might be real
may be illusion
Keep flashing off and on
I sighed. It was lunch hour, and instead of staying in the classroom, I had gone outside. No one would bother me outside, I was hoping. I sat under a tree. I don't get it. The only person who even would associate with me at school was my sister, and she has her own friends. I try to be friends with people, but... Who wants to be friends with the freak of nature? I just sat there with my knees pulled up to my chest and cried.
"Lookie what we have here...Ikiru, the crybaby." One of my usual tormentors said snidely.
"Leave me alone..." I said, knowing that they wouldn't until they had taken out their frustration on me.
"Nah, it's more fun to do this." Another one of the gang said as he punched me in the stomach. I had the wind knocked out of me, and I got up, ready to fight back.
"Well, bring it on." I said, trying to kick his ankle to bring him down. I only had one problem. There were three of them, and one of me. If it had just been one on one, I might have had a chance. I really tried to fight back...I did. They were just too much for me. I blacked out in a pool of my own blood.
Free...
Wanna be free, Gonna be free...
and move among the stars
You know they really aren't so far
I awoke in a hospital room. My fathers were there, looking at me worriedly. I glanced quickly at them, and just as quickly glanced away.
"Ikiru, why didn't you tell us?" Otousan asked, going into his 'mother hen' mode.
"Because..." I whispered. "They're right."
"No, they aren't." Chichi said. "You're unique, yes, but you shouldn't have to put up with their intolerance. It's that uniqueness that makes you who you are."
"No, they're right. I'm a freak of nature. I should never have been born." I answered. Otousan just looked at me shocked, and I immediately regretted my words. "Gomen..." He got up and left the room without saying a word. I looked over to Chichi. "Am I going to be alright?" I asked, as I coughed up a bit of blood.
"We don't know yet." He answered. He then smiled down at me. "You're tough, you'll make it." He said.
"Chichi?" I asked. "Ever wonder what it'd be like to wander among the stars, not as your physical self, but as a spirit?"
"Ikiru, that is deep. I think...It'd be interesting."
"That's possible...after death..." I whispered.
"You'll be alright, Ikiru." He said, not leaving in the possibility that I wouldn't be.
Feels so Free...
Gotta know free...Please...
Don't wake me from the dream
It's really everything it seemed
"Ikiruchan...You can't let them get to you..." The phrase replayed over and over in my head as I fell asleep that night. The problem is that I already let them get me.
I fell into a dream. I was walking...That made me know for sure it was a dream...I hurt too much to be walking for the moment. I saw before me a beautiful woman with long, flowing red hair and dark eyes that seemed to have no pupil. She was dressed in a white dress that went to her ankles. The neckline of it was a v-shape. It was tied at the waist with a braided green and purple sash. Around her neck on a fine chain was a small crystal, which lay perfectly at the edge of the v-neck.
"Ikiruchan?" She spoke to me. I just stared at her. She laughed. "I've been lonely here. Would you join me?"
"Who...who are you?" I asked finally. She looked like a tall, female version of Otousan.
"Come with me, and you'll find out." I was scared. "My name is Hikari."
"That's...strange...my aunts...both of them...are named that." I said. She smiled.
"You're otousan's sister was named for me." She said, amused. I raised an eyebrow at that.
"You know my otousan?" I asked.
"I should." She answered. "I'm his mother." My eyes widened. I knew my grandparents weren't really, but...this is unexpected.
"Aren't...you...?" I didn't want to finish this. She nodded. "Then...I've...not..." I wanted to cry.
"It's alright, Ikiruchan...You were lucky to make it this far." She said, embracing me.
"Ikiru! Ikiru! WAke up!" Kaori's yelling was the last thing I heard...
"Don't...be sad, imotochan...I'm free." I said, and relinquished myself to Hikari-sama's embrace.
I'm so free...
No black and white in the blue
I'm free now...no longer bound to the earth.
"Ikiruchan?" Hikari asked. I bowed my head.
"Hikari-sama, there's something I've always wanted to do." I smiled at her in that charming way Chichi had.
"I understand. I'll be waiting here." She said.
With that, I closed my eyes, and wandered among the stars, not quite sure if I was looking for anything. It... was just a great feeling. I no longer had to fear anything. That made me think of my fathers... Chichi was the one not scared of anything, but was sometimes too brash to think about what he was doing...Which is how Otousan balanced him out. It made me sad to think that the last thing I had done was upset him. 'I'm sorry.' I thought.
I never had been one to actually be brave, and the one time I rush into something without thinking...Why me?
Everything is clearer now
Life is just a dream, you know
that's never ending
"Otousan?" Kaori asked him. He just blinked in answer to her.
"Let him be for the moment, Kaori-chan." Chichi told her. "Why...don't you go outside and wait for us." He suggested to her. She got the hint that they wanted to be alone for a moment.
Koushiro looked up at Taichi for a few moments. Finally, when he felt able to speak, he said one word. "Why?" Tai sat down and put his arm around his lover.
"Shh, Kouchan. Fate works in mysterious ways." Tai said, trying to comfort him.
"Why did she have to take our son, though. After all we went through when he was born...all I went through so he could be born..." Koushiro cried into Tai's shoulder.
"I know...It hurts...It will hurt, but we still have Kaori, even if she isn't our child, she still needs us. Plus, those guys that beat him, they're going to be in jail for a very long time." Tai told him.
"They deserve worse than that." Koushiro said bitterly.
"You don't mean that, you're just angry." Tai paused. "Kaori's waiting for us. We need to call our families...and...plan the funeral..." Tai choked out the last few words.
It was just before dawn when they walked out of the hospital. Stars were still shining in the not-quite darkness. Kaori walked up to her fathers and embraced them both. A breeze ruffled Kaori's shoulder length hair, while at the moment Koushiro decided to look at the sky. Tai and Kaori's eyes soon followed, just in time for them all to see a shooting star.
"Make a wish..." Kaori said. "I already made mine." She said, sniffing.
Neither of her fathers had to ask what that wish was. It was theirs as well.
"I wish Ikiru was still here."
I'm ascending.
Ikiru's spirit looked back at his family. "Bye... You were the best family ever. And I'm sorry..." With that, he tossed a star towards the earth.
"You can't wander the stars forever, Ikiru." Hikari told him. "Join Nikko and Hikaru and I in the afterlife."
Ikiru smiled. For the first time ever, he felt at peace. "I'm coming...Grandmother." He paused, and looked at her. "What...exactly killed me?"
Hikari paused for a moment, wondering if she should tell him. "Massive internal bleeding. An internal organ was bleeding, and the doctors missed it the first time around. It was bad enough that finally..." She trailed off.
"Thanks." Ikriu told her. "That's what I get for being curious." He grinned at her.
"Come, Ikiru, we've been in limbo for too long."