It played like a movie in my head, over and over. I could see Logan's eyes
lighten up when he saw me standing in the doorway. His smile faded when he
caught my expression. There was no small talk. I just told him… Told him
that I had sex with Alec. His features hardened; his eyes started to shut
me out. He nodded and said that he understood. We hadn't said that we
were trying to build anything or be exclusive…we hadn't even really talked
about us for that matter. I thought everything was just kind of assumed or
hanging in the air. He tried to smile. That's when I started to cry. 'I
didn't think you'd wait around forever,' he said. Maybe he laughed a
little, I couldn't remember. He turned back to the computer and began to
type. 'I need to get back to this,' he said. 'Okay,' I answered. Not
really knowing what else to say, I turned and left.
That was two weeks ago. Two weeks of hurting. Cindy said I needed to stop beating myself up over this. I knew that. I was trying but it was hard knowing that I messed everything up.
Alec had been avoiding me. I hadn't been going out of my way to try to catch him either. People were starting to ask what was up between us. I didn't know what to tell them. I didn't know what he was telling them. I was just too tired to deal with them and him…or too scared. I had fantasies about that night. It drove me crazy. I didn't want to *want* him, but I did. I wasn't even sure I *liked* him. I just knew that I couldn't stop thinking about his hands and his mouth and his hair.
I was outside his apartment. It was raining. My shirt was slightly clinging to me. I tugged it away from my body while I thought about knocking. What was I doing here? Was I really here to salvage whatever kind of friendship we had? Or was I here hoping to get laid again? I grimaced at that thought. I took a deep breath. I was here to patch things up. God knows I needed all the friends I could keep. Yeah, I was definitely here to fix things with Alec.
I knocked on the door and waited. I could hear his television in the background. I could feel my heart speed up. I rubbed my palms against my jeans and tugged at my shirt again.
"Who is it?"
"Max."
I thought I heard him swear as he got up. I could hear his footsteps approach the door. The door opened as I wetted my lips. I froze. He smirked at me.
"And what do I owe this pleasure?"
I frowned. "We need to talk."
"Oh, so the queen thinks we need to talk. Well, I'm busy. Why don't you try back later?"
He started to close the door. I pushed the door open and walked past him.
"Or we can talk about it now," he said as he closed the door behind me. He leaned back against the door and crossed his arms.
I walked around the room. I didn't know how to start. I looked up at him. He was definitely annoyed. His lips were tightly drawn. Bad move there, Max. I was staring, I knew, but all thought had left me right then. He raised an eyebrow. I looked away. I moved to sit down.
"I'm sorry about the other night," I began.
"That's okay. I'm just glad I could be of service," Alec smirked. "So I take it Logan didn't take the news well? I take it from your recent depression that you did tell him, right?"
I looked up at him. "Yes, I did tell him. And no, he didn't take it well. Did you expect him to? Anyway, it's probably for the best…" I took a deep breath. "I just wanted you to know that I'm sorry I used you and I want to know that things are okay between us." I looked at my hands folded in my lap.
Silence. I looked up at him again. He was staring at me. I waited. I looked at him and waited and looked. His eyes looked directly at me. They were filled with the same intensity as that night when he was moving within me. And that thought took me straight to my fantasy only this time he was real and he was a few feet away and so touchable. I became warm. He noticed because he started to frown.
"I think I need to leave." I stood up. I couldn't tear my eyes away from him. I could picture his lips on me—soft in places, nibbling…hard in other places, demanding…and always warm and wet.
"Max? Are you okay?" He tried to grab me.
"Don't touch me!" I screamed.
He lifted his hands. "Hey, it's okay. I'm not going to touch you."
I took another deep breath. "Just don't touch me, okay. I'm… I've really got to go before I do something stupid again."
Alec smiled. He suddenly understood what I was trying to say. "Well, Max…"
"Don't say a word. I'm going." I turned to go.
"Max, wait."
I stopped. I really didn't want to leave. I wanted to stay. I wanted to stay here with him. I must have been insane.
"Why did you sleep with me that night?" I heard myself ask.
"I don't know," he replied. "I guess I kinda wondered about it and when you came on to me I just kinda went along with it."
"Oh," I said. I couldn't think of anything else to say. He moved behind me. I could feel him there. 'This was how things started in the first place,' I thought to myself. I turned to him.
"I don't want to start this again. I don't even like you."
He smiled. "So? What does that have to do with anything?"
"It has a lot to do with us. I'm not getting into a relationship with someone I don't even like."
"Who says we're going to be in a relationship?"
I stared at him. The idea was tempting. He was tempting. He smirked. He knew what I was thinking. It was irritating. I wanted to punch him, anything to wipe that smirk off his face. Instead I smiled and grabbed his head. I pulled him to me. I saw his eyes widen in shock just before his lips landed on my smile.
'Yes, this was what I want.' My lips tugged at his as his hands came to rest on my shoulders. I slipped my tongue into his mouth and heard him groan in response. I smiled inside before he fisted his hands into my hair and took control of the kiss. I let him and moved my hands down to his back to pull him closer.
We kissed and kissed and *kissed*. Our hands fumbled with each other's clothing while our mouths feasted. 'God, the man could kiss.' I was drowning in fire.
Somehow we ended up on his couch. His hands settled on my hips moving me on top of him. I tore my mouth away from his. His eyes were hooded and heavy. I smiled as I slowly settled down on him. My eyes closed as I savored the sensation. My eyes opened when Alec's lips grazed my jaw. I ran my hands up his sides to his back. While his mouth was marking my neck, his hands teased my waist—my breasts. I arched my back and started to move slowly. I moaned…or he moaned…someone moaned. His hands moved back down to my hips, guiding me. I grabbed his head and pulled him into another kiss. My hands moved down to his shoulders and I brought him closer. I loved the feel of his chest brushing against my breasts…coupled with him rocking inside me…the sensation was incredible. His mouth fueled me, making me move faster. We moved against each other, with each other until we both found what we were looking for…oblivion.
I rested my head on his shoulder and listened to his breathing. He rested his head against mine. I felt his fingers lightly skim along my back, making abstract patterns. This was when I realized that this was the closest I've been to another person in a while. The sound of the television in the background, my fingers absentmindedly toying with his hair, his face pressed against my hair, his heart beating against mine. I inwardly sighed and closed my eyes and relaxed.
That was two weeks ago. Two weeks of hurting. Cindy said I needed to stop beating myself up over this. I knew that. I was trying but it was hard knowing that I messed everything up.
Alec had been avoiding me. I hadn't been going out of my way to try to catch him either. People were starting to ask what was up between us. I didn't know what to tell them. I didn't know what he was telling them. I was just too tired to deal with them and him…or too scared. I had fantasies about that night. It drove me crazy. I didn't want to *want* him, but I did. I wasn't even sure I *liked* him. I just knew that I couldn't stop thinking about his hands and his mouth and his hair.
I was outside his apartment. It was raining. My shirt was slightly clinging to me. I tugged it away from my body while I thought about knocking. What was I doing here? Was I really here to salvage whatever kind of friendship we had? Or was I here hoping to get laid again? I grimaced at that thought. I took a deep breath. I was here to patch things up. God knows I needed all the friends I could keep. Yeah, I was definitely here to fix things with Alec.
I knocked on the door and waited. I could hear his television in the background. I could feel my heart speed up. I rubbed my palms against my jeans and tugged at my shirt again.
"Who is it?"
"Max."
I thought I heard him swear as he got up. I could hear his footsteps approach the door. The door opened as I wetted my lips. I froze. He smirked at me.
"And what do I owe this pleasure?"
I frowned. "We need to talk."
"Oh, so the queen thinks we need to talk. Well, I'm busy. Why don't you try back later?"
He started to close the door. I pushed the door open and walked past him.
"Or we can talk about it now," he said as he closed the door behind me. He leaned back against the door and crossed his arms.
I walked around the room. I didn't know how to start. I looked up at him. He was definitely annoyed. His lips were tightly drawn. Bad move there, Max. I was staring, I knew, but all thought had left me right then. He raised an eyebrow. I looked away. I moved to sit down.
"I'm sorry about the other night," I began.
"That's okay. I'm just glad I could be of service," Alec smirked. "So I take it Logan didn't take the news well? I take it from your recent depression that you did tell him, right?"
I looked up at him. "Yes, I did tell him. And no, he didn't take it well. Did you expect him to? Anyway, it's probably for the best…" I took a deep breath. "I just wanted you to know that I'm sorry I used you and I want to know that things are okay between us." I looked at my hands folded in my lap.
Silence. I looked up at him again. He was staring at me. I waited. I looked at him and waited and looked. His eyes looked directly at me. They were filled with the same intensity as that night when he was moving within me. And that thought took me straight to my fantasy only this time he was real and he was a few feet away and so touchable. I became warm. He noticed because he started to frown.
"I think I need to leave." I stood up. I couldn't tear my eyes away from him. I could picture his lips on me—soft in places, nibbling…hard in other places, demanding…and always warm and wet.
"Max? Are you okay?" He tried to grab me.
"Don't touch me!" I screamed.
He lifted his hands. "Hey, it's okay. I'm not going to touch you."
I took another deep breath. "Just don't touch me, okay. I'm… I've really got to go before I do something stupid again."
Alec smiled. He suddenly understood what I was trying to say. "Well, Max…"
"Don't say a word. I'm going." I turned to go.
"Max, wait."
I stopped. I really didn't want to leave. I wanted to stay. I wanted to stay here with him. I must have been insane.
"Why did you sleep with me that night?" I heard myself ask.
"I don't know," he replied. "I guess I kinda wondered about it and when you came on to me I just kinda went along with it."
"Oh," I said. I couldn't think of anything else to say. He moved behind me. I could feel him there. 'This was how things started in the first place,' I thought to myself. I turned to him.
"I don't want to start this again. I don't even like you."
He smiled. "So? What does that have to do with anything?"
"It has a lot to do with us. I'm not getting into a relationship with someone I don't even like."
"Who says we're going to be in a relationship?"
I stared at him. The idea was tempting. He was tempting. He smirked. He knew what I was thinking. It was irritating. I wanted to punch him, anything to wipe that smirk off his face. Instead I smiled and grabbed his head. I pulled him to me. I saw his eyes widen in shock just before his lips landed on my smile.
'Yes, this was what I want.' My lips tugged at his as his hands came to rest on my shoulders. I slipped my tongue into his mouth and heard him groan in response. I smiled inside before he fisted his hands into my hair and took control of the kiss. I let him and moved my hands down to his back to pull him closer.
We kissed and kissed and *kissed*. Our hands fumbled with each other's clothing while our mouths feasted. 'God, the man could kiss.' I was drowning in fire.
Somehow we ended up on his couch. His hands settled on my hips moving me on top of him. I tore my mouth away from his. His eyes were hooded and heavy. I smiled as I slowly settled down on him. My eyes closed as I savored the sensation. My eyes opened when Alec's lips grazed my jaw. I ran my hands up his sides to his back. While his mouth was marking my neck, his hands teased my waist—my breasts. I arched my back and started to move slowly. I moaned…or he moaned…someone moaned. His hands moved back down to my hips, guiding me. I grabbed his head and pulled him into another kiss. My hands moved down to his shoulders and I brought him closer. I loved the feel of his chest brushing against my breasts…coupled with him rocking inside me…the sensation was incredible. His mouth fueled me, making me move faster. We moved against each other, with each other until we both found what we were looking for…oblivion.
I rested my head on his shoulder and listened to his breathing. He rested his head against mine. I felt his fingers lightly skim along my back, making abstract patterns. This was when I realized that this was the closest I've been to another person in a while. The sound of the television in the background, my fingers absentmindedly toying with his hair, his face pressed against my hair, his heart beating against mine. I inwardly sighed and closed my eyes and relaxed.