Brandy Hall was a very well equipped aristocratic residence when it came to housing its inhabitants. There were not only rooms for guests, but separate holes and houses, some of which were used furthermore by those who wanted a little peace and quiet away from life in the main hall, such as some of the older great-aunts, the expectant mothers, and also, rather uniquely, expectant fathers. This is, of course, is not meant in the conventional way - that these are men waiting nervously outside the delivery room listening to their wives curse them and call them bastards - but men who were likely to take part in the cursing themselves for the Brandybucks were the victims of a somewhat unusual curse visited on them by an irate pregnant elf many years ago which meant that their males would often find themselves 'in the family way' after partaking of certain intimate activities with one of their own gender. It is the most secluded and discreet of these holes that we now find Frodo,
Merry and Pippin.
The arrangement had been in place for almost a month now and it was beginning to drive Frodo up the wall. After finding out about each other's pregnancies, Merry and Pippin had decided to, temporarily at least, move in together in Buckland where the only midwife with experience in dealing with their situation would be within easy reach should anything go wrong. Frodo had volunteered to go with them as a sort of chaperone at the suggestion of Pippin's sister who had said that as tempers tended to become shorter as pregnancies became longer they may have some difficulty in looking after each other. But if this was how they were behaving at this early stage in the proceedings, Frodo was unsure of how much longer he would be willing to stick around.
Breakfast had been relatively uneventful apart from when Pippin decided he wasn't talking to Merry because he had eaten the last of the lemon curd and Merry locked himself in his room (after the first three days the idea of he and Pippin sharing had been given up on) and had been in there crying solidly for three hours and still hadn't come out. Frodo decided that it was time to make another token attempt at talking him out.
"Merry...?"
No answer.
"Merry...are you alright? Can I come in?"
"No!"
"No, you're not alright, or no, I can't come in?"
"Both."
Well, at least he was talking this time and not just throwing things at the door like he had when Pippin had been persuaded to try. The two of them were becoming more accustomed to Merry's increasingly violent mood swings and had taken the precaution of removing anything breakable from his room, and after discovering that when he was really upset that not even the prospect of missing a meal would bring him out, leaving some food in there as well.
"What's the matter?"
"You know, you were there. Pippin hates me! He hates me and he doesn't find me attractive any more and you probably hate me too!"
"Of course I don't hate you, and Pippin doesn't hate you either. He knows that this is just temporary and anyway, he's pregnant too, so it would be a bit hypocritical if he was ignoring you because of that."
"But I look so much worse than he does, it's getting difficult even to hug now!"
"Yes, the midwife explained this to you, didn't she? Pippin just hasn't been pregnant for as long as you have, so his baby isn't as big, he'll look just like you do soon and by that time yours will have been born and you'll look nearly normal again."
Unfortunately, Merry was in no mood to listen to reason, so he threw some of the pillows at the door and returned to his previous inarticulate wailing, ignoring anything else Frodo said. Frodo put his hand into his pocket; maybe this was just the time to disappear for a while, he'd been doing it a lot recently, just curling up invisibly in a corner with a book when he needed a break, but put it back hurriedly when he heard Pippin coming round the corner.
Pippin looked at Frodo hopefully, but Frodo shook his head. They retreated to the kitchen where their conversation wouldn't be overheard.
"He still won't come out?" asked Pippin. "Is he trying for the record or something?"
"He can't help it, the midwife said that's what happens to girls, so we shouldn't be surprised if it happens to you two, it's normal, if that word applies to you two in any way."
"Well, if it happens to me, I want you to take me out to the river and drown me, or at least throw me in to teach me a lesson."
"Um...Pippin, this might seem like a strange question, but what's that on your head?"
Pippin attempted to look up at the scarf knotted round his own head. "That? It's just something to keep my hair out of my eyes, and the dust out of my hair, of course."
"Why on earth do you need something to keep your hair out of your eyes?"
"Have you ever tried dusting a whole house? No, I didn't think so, you'll know if you ever try."
"Pippin, why are you dusting the whole house? A maid comes in from Brandy Hall every few days to see to what needs doing, and anyway, I've seen your bedroom at home, you've never lifted a finger around the house in your life."
"But haven't you seen the state of this place? It's a mess! My baby isn't going to be born in a dirty house and neither is Merry's."
"It isn't dirty, it was cleaned two days ago and it's going to be cleaned again tomorrow."
"It is, look at this." Pippin ran his finger along the top of one of the cabinets. "Do you see that?"
Frodo peered at the two specks of dust on the end of Pippin's finger. "I think so."
"It's disgusting, isn't it" This house is no place for a baby, but I'm going to change that. If anyone wants me I'll be out in the back garden beating the rugs." Pippin picked up the carpet beater and headed for the back door.
"Should you be doing that? You know, in your condition?"
"What do you mean, 'in my condition', are you saying I can't look after myself? I'm just pregnant, it's not like I'm ill or anything."
Frodo leaned forward and started banging his head on the kitchen table. It was going to be how long? About another five or six months the midwife had said, before they would both be able to go back? It was not going to be easy, but at least they wouldn't end up killing each other if he was there to break up the arguments. Or at least they probably wouldn't kill each other, and that was only if Frodo didn't end up killing both of them first and burying them in the flower beds.
Six months... Frodo made himself a cup of tea, settled down next to the fire with a book and slipped on the ring. Good old Bilbo, he could never have known how useful it would turn out to be.
*****
Fortunately, the argument seemed to have been resolved by that evening. After beating the rugs Pippin had gone to the kitchens and charmed another three jars of lemon curd out of someone and presented them to Merry for his own personal use. Merry had accepted them graciously, even though what had happened that morning cured him of that particular craving for the rest of his pregnancy and Pippin ended up eating them all a fortnight later. Out of the jar with a spoon as well - Frodo hadn't been able to watch for fear of being sick.
Visits from the midwife were becoming more and more frequent and Frodo was becoming better and better acquainted with the inside of the airing cupboard - the midwife, a robust, unmarried Hobbit in her early fifties, quite frankly gave Frodo the fear and he was sure that the reason she had been able to stop Pippin from throwing up every morning had more to do with intimidation than the thick green mixture she'd left for him to take. He had thought about just putting on the ring when she was in the house, but he got the impression that it wouldn't help him, she had this way of looking at him that gave the impression that, ring or no ring, she'd still be able to see him. So he had taken to hiding in the airing cupboard; it had a door that looked really, really solid.
"Room for one more?" Merry opened the door of the airing cupboard and looked at Frodo pleadingly.
"What?"
"I need to hide."
"No you don't, or at least you shouldn't, it could be bad for the baby if you don't let the midwife give you all the proper checkups."
"I'm not hiding from her, she left almost a quarter of an hour ago. I'm hiding from Pippin."
"Why are you hiding from Pippin? I thought you two had sorted out all those arguments - you were all over each other last night."
"That's the problem. For the past week he's been completely insatiable and it's not exactly easy for me to do anything, or at least half the stuff he usually likes me to do?"
"Ok, I get the idea, I don't need any sort of description -"
"Honestly, it's like having a small terrier humping your leg, and if I wanted that I'd go visit aunt Petunia."
Frodo looked at him with mute horror.
"What? Don't you remember? She's got that really randy little terrier. Oh come on, I didn't mean it like that, some people round here just need to take their minds out of the gutter -"
Merry abruptly cut off his reprimand when he heard the footsteps in the corridor and tried to climb onto one of the shelves to hide behind a stack of folded sheets, but this was proving difficult because of the size of Merry's bump. He fell over backwards and hit the door, pushing it open and pulling Frodo, who had tried to catch him, out after him, almost right on top of Pippin's feet.
"What are you two doing in there? There isn't something you need to tell me, is there, Merry?"
"No, no...Merry was just telling me that the midwife's gone and it was safe to come out."
"Why did he have to get into the cupboard then?"
"He thought she was still here and pulled me in before anyone saw me."
"I don't see why you have to hide though, she's a bit severe, but not that bad."
"Yeah, she's dead nice when you get to know her and her assistant's a really lovely girl."
"She has an assistant? I never noticed."
"Oh, she's only been coming for the past two weeks. She's ever so friendly, and really pretty, she keeps giving me all these useful tips about make-up." Merry continued, probably against his better judgement.
Pippin looked upset. "I thought you said you only liked boys." He bit his lower lip and tears started gathering at the corners of his eyes.
"I do only like boys, I just said that she's a nice person and she's pretty, I don't have to like girls like that to notice those things." Merry looked desperate. "But you're much prettier than she is."
Pippin's eyes lit up. "Really? Do you want to show me?" Merry looked at Frodo anxiously. "Could you prove it to me that you really only like boys."
Merry nodded resignedly and allowed himself to be dragged off to Pippin's bedroom. He really wanted to make this relationship work, especially since there were going to be children involved soon, so just this once (and possibly the next time and the next time, then a few more times after that) he was going to have to put Pippin's needs, or in this case, rampant desires, ahead of his, which right now involved not a big comfy chair and a lot of food. Well, at least there might be food...
They emerged again a few hours later at teatime, looking a little more than a little dishevelled.
"You two look like you settled your argument," said Frodo. He was a little jealous of the fact that he wasn't going to be seeing any action - keeping the pregnancies secret meant that none of them were getting out much - so took every available opportunity to tease his cousins about their increasingly passionate relationship.
"What do you mean?" asked Merry innocently.
"Well, you could at least have waited until you had cooled down a little before coming for tea, you both look like you spent the afternoon running from here to the Three Farthing Stone and back."
Merry and Pippin looked at each other. "This? No, this is just pregnancy glow, perfectly innocent pregnancy glow. I'm just so happy about everything I've gone all radiant and see-through," said Pippin, grinning mischievously.
"Then what's that on your neck? It looks like whipped cream."
Pippin put his hand up to his neck to wipe it. "Actually it's not. It's mayonnaise."
*****
That evening as Frodo was clearing away the dishes and small quantity of leftovers after dinner, Merry and Pippin sat together by the fire, sprawled out on the thick, woolly hearthrug.
"Merry...?"
"What? If you want me to do that again, you're going to have to wait until tomorrow - between you and this baby my back's killing me."
"Oh." Pippin thought for a moment. "Do you want me to give you a back massage then?"
Merry gave the offer some consideration. A massage would be great, but he and Pippin had done this sort of thing before and it could end up making things worse. It wasn't that Pippin was bad at giving massages - the exact opposite was true - he was a little too good and they might get a little carried away, or, given Pippin's current state of mind, a lot carried away. Pippin seemed to guess what he was thinking.
"We won't do anything else if you don't want to. You know I love you and I just want to help you. Please?"
Merry relented and pulled himself into a more upright position with his back to Pippin who immediately grabbed his shoulders and started working his way up and down with his fingers.
"Is this helping?"
Merry made a noise halfway between a purr and a moan to indicate that it was.
"How about this?"
Pippin pulled himself in closer to Merry as his hands wandered under Merry's shirt and began tracing slow, soft circles over the ever-growing bump. Merry leaned back to nuzzle his head into Pippin's neck, alternately kissing and tickling with his curly hair.
"It looks you and the baby are both enjoying this," said Pippin, sliding his hands upwards.
Merry made the noise again.
"I love it when you do that, you're just like a great big cat, sitting in my lap waiting to be stroked." He leaned forward to kiss the skin just above the collarbone exposed by the shifting of neckline of Merry's shirt. "It's very, very...argh!"
With surprising agility Pippin bounced backwards and Merry fell over, yelping as his head hit the floor. There was the noise of a plate being dropped hurriedly into the sink and Frodo ran through from the kitchen.
"What happened? Are you two alright? Should I go and find the midwife?"
"No, Pippin just dropped me on the floor," said Merry, sitting up and rubbing the back of his head.
Frodo looked at Pippin who was now sitting in the opposite corner of the room and attempting to hug his knees, but not too closely. "What did you do that for?" He looked at Pippin's face and his tone changed from questioning to concerned. "Are you alright, Pippin? You've gone white as a sheet."
Pippin shook his head slowly. "It's Merry, he's...he's..."
Merry looked as if he was about to start crying again. "Just tell us, Pip, it's ok," said Frodo softly.
"Merry's got bosoms!"
Frodo looked shocked for a moment, but recovered quickly. "Well, Merry's not exactly lightly built, and a lot of other male Hobbits have a bit of padding in their chests, don't they?"
"Not like that. They were like a girl's, all round and squishy."
Merry really did start crying. "You mean you've touched a girl's...bosoms?"
"No, of course I haven't, it's just what I imagined they'd be like."
"Liar. You like girls and you don't like me because I'm all unnatural and I'm not one thing or the other!"
"I do, it's just..."
"I'm all wrong!" Merry threw his arms around Frodo's neck and cried until a damp patch started to appear on his shoulder. Frodo patted him somewhat awkwardly.
"I'm sure Pippin didn't mean it like that."
"Yes he did."
"No, I didn't. I just got a bit of a fright, I mean, there's a new bit of you that wasn't there this afternoon."
"I don't believe you."
Pippin pulled Merry off of Frodo's shoulder and tried to hug him, except that it didn't quite work and it involved a lot of bending and twisting that they were finding more and more difficult each day. By the time they had settled down into a comfortable position they were both giggling at the absurdity of the situation.
"Do you believe me now?"
Through his tears, Merry smiled and nodded.
*****
The next morning Merry awoke to find Pippin asleep next to him with one arm draped across his stomach and his head pillowed on his chest.
"I see you're getting used to my new shape."
"Mhm." Pippin moved his hand up next to his head.
"Yes, and that's all very well, but do you think you could put them down for just a few minutes...?"
"Why?"
"Because...oh, I don't know, it's just that in a few weeks I'll have a baby hanging on to me there, and in the mean time, I'd like to be by myself for a while and not have a full grown Hobbit attached to me."
"Alright, but can I hang on to you for some of the time?"
"I suppose so, if you really want to hang on to such a strange and unnatural creature as me."
"You're no more strange and unnatural than me, and anyway, it's like having the best of both worlds."
"You mean you like it that I'm not like everyone else?"
"You are like one other person. You're like me, and if there are only two of us freaks in the Shire I'm going to hold on to you."
"What if there are other freaks like us in the Shire, because I've seen the family trees and there probably are?"
"Then I'll still hold on to you."
"Why?"
"Because I love you. And you're very comfortable."
Merry and Pippin.
The arrangement had been in place for almost a month now and it was beginning to drive Frodo up the wall. After finding out about each other's pregnancies, Merry and Pippin had decided to, temporarily at least, move in together in Buckland where the only midwife with experience in dealing with their situation would be within easy reach should anything go wrong. Frodo had volunteered to go with them as a sort of chaperone at the suggestion of Pippin's sister who had said that as tempers tended to become shorter as pregnancies became longer they may have some difficulty in looking after each other. But if this was how they were behaving at this early stage in the proceedings, Frodo was unsure of how much longer he would be willing to stick around.
Breakfast had been relatively uneventful apart from when Pippin decided he wasn't talking to Merry because he had eaten the last of the lemon curd and Merry locked himself in his room (after the first three days the idea of he and Pippin sharing had been given up on) and had been in there crying solidly for three hours and still hadn't come out. Frodo decided that it was time to make another token attempt at talking him out.
"Merry...?"
No answer.
"Merry...are you alright? Can I come in?"
"No!"
"No, you're not alright, or no, I can't come in?"
"Both."
Well, at least he was talking this time and not just throwing things at the door like he had when Pippin had been persuaded to try. The two of them were becoming more accustomed to Merry's increasingly violent mood swings and had taken the precaution of removing anything breakable from his room, and after discovering that when he was really upset that not even the prospect of missing a meal would bring him out, leaving some food in there as well.
"What's the matter?"
"You know, you were there. Pippin hates me! He hates me and he doesn't find me attractive any more and you probably hate me too!"
"Of course I don't hate you, and Pippin doesn't hate you either. He knows that this is just temporary and anyway, he's pregnant too, so it would be a bit hypocritical if he was ignoring you because of that."
"But I look so much worse than he does, it's getting difficult even to hug now!"
"Yes, the midwife explained this to you, didn't she? Pippin just hasn't been pregnant for as long as you have, so his baby isn't as big, he'll look just like you do soon and by that time yours will have been born and you'll look nearly normal again."
Unfortunately, Merry was in no mood to listen to reason, so he threw some of the pillows at the door and returned to his previous inarticulate wailing, ignoring anything else Frodo said. Frodo put his hand into his pocket; maybe this was just the time to disappear for a while, he'd been doing it a lot recently, just curling up invisibly in a corner with a book when he needed a break, but put it back hurriedly when he heard Pippin coming round the corner.
Pippin looked at Frodo hopefully, but Frodo shook his head. They retreated to the kitchen where their conversation wouldn't be overheard.
"He still won't come out?" asked Pippin. "Is he trying for the record or something?"
"He can't help it, the midwife said that's what happens to girls, so we shouldn't be surprised if it happens to you two, it's normal, if that word applies to you two in any way."
"Well, if it happens to me, I want you to take me out to the river and drown me, or at least throw me in to teach me a lesson."
"Um...Pippin, this might seem like a strange question, but what's that on your head?"
Pippin attempted to look up at the scarf knotted round his own head. "That? It's just something to keep my hair out of my eyes, and the dust out of my hair, of course."
"Why on earth do you need something to keep your hair out of your eyes?"
"Have you ever tried dusting a whole house? No, I didn't think so, you'll know if you ever try."
"Pippin, why are you dusting the whole house? A maid comes in from Brandy Hall every few days to see to what needs doing, and anyway, I've seen your bedroom at home, you've never lifted a finger around the house in your life."
"But haven't you seen the state of this place? It's a mess! My baby isn't going to be born in a dirty house and neither is Merry's."
"It isn't dirty, it was cleaned two days ago and it's going to be cleaned again tomorrow."
"It is, look at this." Pippin ran his finger along the top of one of the cabinets. "Do you see that?"
Frodo peered at the two specks of dust on the end of Pippin's finger. "I think so."
"It's disgusting, isn't it" This house is no place for a baby, but I'm going to change that. If anyone wants me I'll be out in the back garden beating the rugs." Pippin picked up the carpet beater and headed for the back door.
"Should you be doing that? You know, in your condition?"
"What do you mean, 'in my condition', are you saying I can't look after myself? I'm just pregnant, it's not like I'm ill or anything."
Frodo leaned forward and started banging his head on the kitchen table. It was going to be how long? About another five or six months the midwife had said, before they would both be able to go back? It was not going to be easy, but at least they wouldn't end up killing each other if he was there to break up the arguments. Or at least they probably wouldn't kill each other, and that was only if Frodo didn't end up killing both of them first and burying them in the flower beds.
Six months... Frodo made himself a cup of tea, settled down next to the fire with a book and slipped on the ring. Good old Bilbo, he could never have known how useful it would turn out to be.
*****
Fortunately, the argument seemed to have been resolved by that evening. After beating the rugs Pippin had gone to the kitchens and charmed another three jars of lemon curd out of someone and presented them to Merry for his own personal use. Merry had accepted them graciously, even though what had happened that morning cured him of that particular craving for the rest of his pregnancy and Pippin ended up eating them all a fortnight later. Out of the jar with a spoon as well - Frodo hadn't been able to watch for fear of being sick.
Visits from the midwife were becoming more and more frequent and Frodo was becoming better and better acquainted with the inside of the airing cupboard - the midwife, a robust, unmarried Hobbit in her early fifties, quite frankly gave Frodo the fear and he was sure that the reason she had been able to stop Pippin from throwing up every morning had more to do with intimidation than the thick green mixture she'd left for him to take. He had thought about just putting on the ring when she was in the house, but he got the impression that it wouldn't help him, she had this way of looking at him that gave the impression that, ring or no ring, she'd still be able to see him. So he had taken to hiding in the airing cupboard; it had a door that looked really, really solid.
"Room for one more?" Merry opened the door of the airing cupboard and looked at Frodo pleadingly.
"What?"
"I need to hide."
"No you don't, or at least you shouldn't, it could be bad for the baby if you don't let the midwife give you all the proper checkups."
"I'm not hiding from her, she left almost a quarter of an hour ago. I'm hiding from Pippin."
"Why are you hiding from Pippin? I thought you two had sorted out all those arguments - you were all over each other last night."
"That's the problem. For the past week he's been completely insatiable and it's not exactly easy for me to do anything, or at least half the stuff he usually likes me to do?"
"Ok, I get the idea, I don't need any sort of description -"
"Honestly, it's like having a small terrier humping your leg, and if I wanted that I'd go visit aunt Petunia."
Frodo looked at him with mute horror.
"What? Don't you remember? She's got that really randy little terrier. Oh come on, I didn't mean it like that, some people round here just need to take their minds out of the gutter -"
Merry abruptly cut off his reprimand when he heard the footsteps in the corridor and tried to climb onto one of the shelves to hide behind a stack of folded sheets, but this was proving difficult because of the size of Merry's bump. He fell over backwards and hit the door, pushing it open and pulling Frodo, who had tried to catch him, out after him, almost right on top of Pippin's feet.
"What are you two doing in there? There isn't something you need to tell me, is there, Merry?"
"No, no...Merry was just telling me that the midwife's gone and it was safe to come out."
"Why did he have to get into the cupboard then?"
"He thought she was still here and pulled me in before anyone saw me."
"I don't see why you have to hide though, she's a bit severe, but not that bad."
"Yeah, she's dead nice when you get to know her and her assistant's a really lovely girl."
"She has an assistant? I never noticed."
"Oh, she's only been coming for the past two weeks. She's ever so friendly, and really pretty, she keeps giving me all these useful tips about make-up." Merry continued, probably against his better judgement.
Pippin looked upset. "I thought you said you only liked boys." He bit his lower lip and tears started gathering at the corners of his eyes.
"I do only like boys, I just said that she's a nice person and she's pretty, I don't have to like girls like that to notice those things." Merry looked desperate. "But you're much prettier than she is."
Pippin's eyes lit up. "Really? Do you want to show me?" Merry looked at Frodo anxiously. "Could you prove it to me that you really only like boys."
Merry nodded resignedly and allowed himself to be dragged off to Pippin's bedroom. He really wanted to make this relationship work, especially since there were going to be children involved soon, so just this once (and possibly the next time and the next time, then a few more times after that) he was going to have to put Pippin's needs, or in this case, rampant desires, ahead of his, which right now involved not a big comfy chair and a lot of food. Well, at least there might be food...
They emerged again a few hours later at teatime, looking a little more than a little dishevelled.
"You two look like you settled your argument," said Frodo. He was a little jealous of the fact that he wasn't going to be seeing any action - keeping the pregnancies secret meant that none of them were getting out much - so took every available opportunity to tease his cousins about their increasingly passionate relationship.
"What do you mean?" asked Merry innocently.
"Well, you could at least have waited until you had cooled down a little before coming for tea, you both look like you spent the afternoon running from here to the Three Farthing Stone and back."
Merry and Pippin looked at each other. "This? No, this is just pregnancy glow, perfectly innocent pregnancy glow. I'm just so happy about everything I've gone all radiant and see-through," said Pippin, grinning mischievously.
"Then what's that on your neck? It looks like whipped cream."
Pippin put his hand up to his neck to wipe it. "Actually it's not. It's mayonnaise."
*****
That evening as Frodo was clearing away the dishes and small quantity of leftovers after dinner, Merry and Pippin sat together by the fire, sprawled out on the thick, woolly hearthrug.
"Merry...?"
"What? If you want me to do that again, you're going to have to wait until tomorrow - between you and this baby my back's killing me."
"Oh." Pippin thought for a moment. "Do you want me to give you a back massage then?"
Merry gave the offer some consideration. A massage would be great, but he and Pippin had done this sort of thing before and it could end up making things worse. It wasn't that Pippin was bad at giving massages - the exact opposite was true - he was a little too good and they might get a little carried away, or, given Pippin's current state of mind, a lot carried away. Pippin seemed to guess what he was thinking.
"We won't do anything else if you don't want to. You know I love you and I just want to help you. Please?"
Merry relented and pulled himself into a more upright position with his back to Pippin who immediately grabbed his shoulders and started working his way up and down with his fingers.
"Is this helping?"
Merry made a noise halfway between a purr and a moan to indicate that it was.
"How about this?"
Pippin pulled himself in closer to Merry as his hands wandered under Merry's shirt and began tracing slow, soft circles over the ever-growing bump. Merry leaned back to nuzzle his head into Pippin's neck, alternately kissing and tickling with his curly hair.
"It looks you and the baby are both enjoying this," said Pippin, sliding his hands upwards.
Merry made the noise again.
"I love it when you do that, you're just like a great big cat, sitting in my lap waiting to be stroked." He leaned forward to kiss the skin just above the collarbone exposed by the shifting of neckline of Merry's shirt. "It's very, very...argh!"
With surprising agility Pippin bounced backwards and Merry fell over, yelping as his head hit the floor. There was the noise of a plate being dropped hurriedly into the sink and Frodo ran through from the kitchen.
"What happened? Are you two alright? Should I go and find the midwife?"
"No, Pippin just dropped me on the floor," said Merry, sitting up and rubbing the back of his head.
Frodo looked at Pippin who was now sitting in the opposite corner of the room and attempting to hug his knees, but not too closely. "What did you do that for?" He looked at Pippin's face and his tone changed from questioning to concerned. "Are you alright, Pippin? You've gone white as a sheet."
Pippin shook his head slowly. "It's Merry, he's...he's..."
Merry looked as if he was about to start crying again. "Just tell us, Pip, it's ok," said Frodo softly.
"Merry's got bosoms!"
Frodo looked shocked for a moment, but recovered quickly. "Well, Merry's not exactly lightly built, and a lot of other male Hobbits have a bit of padding in their chests, don't they?"
"Not like that. They were like a girl's, all round and squishy."
Merry really did start crying. "You mean you've touched a girl's...bosoms?"
"No, of course I haven't, it's just what I imagined they'd be like."
"Liar. You like girls and you don't like me because I'm all unnatural and I'm not one thing or the other!"
"I do, it's just..."
"I'm all wrong!" Merry threw his arms around Frodo's neck and cried until a damp patch started to appear on his shoulder. Frodo patted him somewhat awkwardly.
"I'm sure Pippin didn't mean it like that."
"Yes he did."
"No, I didn't. I just got a bit of a fright, I mean, there's a new bit of you that wasn't there this afternoon."
"I don't believe you."
Pippin pulled Merry off of Frodo's shoulder and tried to hug him, except that it didn't quite work and it involved a lot of bending and twisting that they were finding more and more difficult each day. By the time they had settled down into a comfortable position they were both giggling at the absurdity of the situation.
"Do you believe me now?"
Through his tears, Merry smiled and nodded.
*****
The next morning Merry awoke to find Pippin asleep next to him with one arm draped across his stomach and his head pillowed on his chest.
"I see you're getting used to my new shape."
"Mhm." Pippin moved his hand up next to his head.
"Yes, and that's all very well, but do you think you could put them down for just a few minutes...?"
"Why?"
"Because...oh, I don't know, it's just that in a few weeks I'll have a baby hanging on to me there, and in the mean time, I'd like to be by myself for a while and not have a full grown Hobbit attached to me."
"Alright, but can I hang on to you for some of the time?"
"I suppose so, if you really want to hang on to such a strange and unnatural creature as me."
"You're no more strange and unnatural than me, and anyway, it's like having the best of both worlds."
"You mean you like it that I'm not like everyone else?"
"You are like one other person. You're like me, and if there are only two of us freaks in the Shire I'm going to hold on to you."
"What if there are other freaks like us in the Shire, because I've seen the family trees and there probably are?"
"Then I'll still hold on to you."
"Why?"
"Because I love you. And you're very comfortable."