Disclaimer: I don't own anything.
Chapter1: Let the Surfing Begin
**********
Regis Philbin smiled brightly. "All right, welcome back. We have Chiriko from Konan here tonight. He's already won five hundred thousand without using any of his lifelines. Let's see if he can win a million dollars!"
Adrenaline pumping music filled the studio as the lights dimmed. Two bright spotlights shone down on Chiriko and Regis. Chiriko didn't look the least bit nervous. He actually looked very calm and confident in the hot seat.
"All right, Chiriko, you are one away from the million. Here we go! What was the name given to the time when religious radicals persecuted those of different religions? Was it A) The Spanish Inquisition, B) The Catholic Inquisition, C) The German Inquisition, or D) The Buddhist Inquisition?"
Chiriko smiled confidently. "That's easy! I don't need to use any of my lifelines for that one! It was the Spanish Inquisition! That's my final answer, Regis!"
Regis paused long enough for Chiriko to start sweating nervously before answering. "I'm sorry but the correct answer was 'The Buddhist Inquisition'."
"Nani! That's impossible!" Chiriko wailed as Regis handed him a check for thirty-two thousand dollars. "It's not fair! I didn't expect that there was a Buddhist Inquisition!"
There was a large crash as Chichiri, Miboshi, and Tatara burst through the studio wall. Tatara and Miboshi were in bright scarlet Buddhist monk robes, while Chichiri was in a flamboyant red version of his normal clothes. Chichiri spoke very fast with a terrible Spanish accent.
"Noooooobody expects the Buddhist Inquisition no da! Our weapon is surprise, surprise and fear no da! Fear and surprise-our two weapons are fear and surprise and a ruthless efficiency no da! Wait! Our three weapons are fear and surprise and a ruthless efficiency and an almost fanatical devotion to the four gods no da! Ack! Amongst our weapons are fear, surprise, ruth…Amongst our weaponry are such elements as fear, sur- hang on no da. I'll come in again no da. Say that line again, Chiriko."
Chiriko rolled his eyes and spoke his line again. "I didn't expect a Buddhist Inquisition."
Chichiri burst into the studio again. "Nnnnnnnooooooobody expects the Buddhist Inquisition no da! Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as fear, surprise, a ruthless efficiency, and an almost fanatical devotion to the four gods, and very fashionable red robes-ARG! It's no good, I'm sorry no da. Cardinal Miboshi, you'll have to say it no da."
"Say what?" the demonic baby-monk-child-thing asked.
"You have to say 'our chief weapons are…' no da."
"Oh, OK. Chiriko, start over."
Chiriko looked up briefly from a very thick book on the Spanish Inquisition and repeated his line without the slightest trace of enthusiasm. "I didn't expect a Buddhist Inquisition."
Miboshi floated back into the studio through the hole Chichiri created. He stuttered since he couldn't quite remember the lines. "Uh…nobody…um…"
"Expects," Chichiri hinted in a low voice.
"Expects," Miboshi repeated. "Nobody expects the…uh…Buddhist…"
"Inquisition."
"Nobody expects the Buddhist inquisition. In fact, those who do-"
"Our chief weapon is," Chichiri interrupted.
"Our chief weapon is…um…"
"Surprise,"
"Surprise and…"
"Stop, stop, stop that no da!" Chichiri interrupted again. "All right, all right no da! Our chief weapon is surprise blahblahblahblahblah. Now, Cardinal Tatara, read the charges."
Tatara pulled out a scroll and began to read. "At the sound of the tone, the time will be-"
Click
"It'll never be a hit," Nuriko grumbled as he flipped to the next channel.
**********
Tamahome and young Tokaki stood facing each other in an ancient looking dojo. Tamahome was wearing a white kung fu uniform while Tokaki wore an identical uniform in black.
Tokaki gestured to the dojo with his hand. "This is a sparring program, similar to the programmed reality of the Matrix. It has the same basic rules; rules like gravity. What you must learn is that these rules are no different than those from a computer system. Some can be bent, others can be broken. Do you understand?"
"Do you?" Tamahome asked. "For crying out loud, how the heck do you know about computers? You've lived in ancient China all your life. I barely understand those things."
"Shut up," Tokaki hissed through his teeth before raising his voice. "Than try to hit me. If you can."
Tamahome shrugged and launched himself at Tokaki. The Byakko seishi teleported out of the way and kicked his student in the back. Tamahome whirled around and the two of them began to grapple furiously.
Tokaki pulled away. "Good. Adaptation, improvisation. But, your weakness is not your technique."
Tamahome went after Tokaki again. The two exchanged kicks and punches, but nothing connected with either of them. Tamahome jumped off one of the dojo's pillars and backflipped over his sensei's head. He landed gracefully, only to be kicked through another pillar by Tokaki. Tamahome pulled himself into a sitting position and caught his breath.
"How did I beat you?" Tokaki asked.
"Isn't it obvious?" Tamahome growled. "It's because you're supposed to be the almighty master and I'm the idiot student. That's our characters baka! You're supposed to be faster than me even if you are over a hundred years old."
"Do you believe that my being stronger or faster or older has anything to do with my muscles in this place?" He watched Tamahome shake his head. "You think that's air your breathing now?"
"Why would I care about breathing air? Geeze, first I find out that I'm a character in a book, and then I think I'm just a copy of the original Tamahome, and now I'm just a slave to a computer. I'm having a serious identity crisis here!" Tamahome began to sob dramatically.
"Again!" Tokaki bellowed.
The two began to grapple again. Tokaki kicked Tamahome in the chest and the Suzaku seishi went down again.
"What are you waiting for? You're faster than this. Don't think you are. Know you are."
Tokaki raised his hand and beckoned for Tamahome to attack again. Tamahome grumbled something nasty about his incompetent sensei before engaging the Byakko seishi in battle once more. As they fought, Tokaki called out.
"Come on, stop trying to hit me and hit me!"
Tamahome's symbol flared to life. The Suzaku seishi concentrated and sent a ki blast right at the unsuspecting Tokaki. The Byakko seishi went flying through the roof and disappeared over the horizon.
"Well," Tamahome shrugged. "You said you wanted me to hit you. You didn't say how."
1.1
1.2 Click
Nuriko sighed. "Next!"
**********
A montage of black and white pictures appeared on the screen. Each picture was of one of the Seiryu seishi and an old townhouse in the middle of Tokyo.
Yui's voice could be heard over the background music. "This is the story of seven Seiryu seishi forced to live in a house and have their lives taped. This is the 'Real World'."
The scene opened up inside the house. Amiboshi yawned as he entered the kitchen. Ashitare was already there eating out of a plastic doggy dish. Amiboshi reached for the coffeepot and was about to pour himself a cup when he felt Ashitare rub against his leg affectionately. The blonde couldn't help but smile as he searched the cabinets for some doggy treats. When he found the box, both he and the wolf man were disappointed to see that it was empty.
"Suboshi!" he called down the hall. "We're out of dog biscuits for Ashitare. Could you pick some up?"
"Sorry, Aniki!" Suboshi called back. "I'm still waiting for Tomo to finish putting on his makeup!"
The camera zoomed down the hall to where Suboshi was pounding on the bathroom door and cursing at the top of his lungs. "Tomo you beep! How long are you gonna be in there!? Some of us have to beeping go!"
Tomo emerged from the bathroom with a scowl on his face. "beep off, kid. Unlike you, I actually give a beep about how I look in the morning."
"Oh, give it up. We all know that Nakago doesn't give a beep about gay guys like you."
Tomo smirked. "You would be surprised, boy. Nakago-sama can be very pleasing to any gender."
"Ne, Tomo?" Amiboshi called down the hall. "Could you pick up some dog biscuits?"
"Sorry, flute boy, but I have other plans this morning."
Suddenly, a feminine voice echoed throughout the house, rattling the broken windows. "MIBOSHI YOUBEEP! WHAT THE BEEP DID YOU DO TO MY MAKEUP!?"
Tomo's eyes lit up. "If she's in the other bathroom, then that means Nakago- sama is all alone." Without another word, the painted seishi bolted down the hall to Nakago's room and slammed the door behind him.
The camera zipped up the stairs to where Soi was shouting at the top of her lungs into Miboshi's face. "You little floating beep! How many times do I have to tell you to beeping stay away from my makeup!? I don't care if you need it for your beep spells! All of my makeup is imported! Do you know how beeping expensive that is!"
Miboshi took the verbal onslaught without batting an eyelid. "I don't care how beeping expensive it is! It was on my beeping side of the beep bathroom. That makes it beeping mine!"
Meanwhile, Amiboshi was trying with all his might to keep Ashitare from jumping in. Soi was about to slaughter the little demon child-monk-baby- thing when a very erotic moan came from behind Nakago's closed door.
"Oh, Nakago-sama!" The voice was definitely Tomo's.
Soi was livid. "That little beep is in there with my Nakago-sama!"
Miboshi snickered. "Don't worry, Soi. You can always stay with me."
The female seishi raised her hand and summoned forth her lightning powers, frying Miboshi, Nakago's door, and almost half of the house. She raced through Nakago's now open door and jumped on top of the two men currently occupying the bed.
"Hey! Nakago promised to do me this morning!" Miboshi yelled as he floated into the room and on top of Soi.
At that moment, Ashitare's animal instincts took over. The wolf man dashed into Nakago's room and leapt upon the growing number of bodies. Amiboshi just stood in the hallway with a very pale face. Suboshi emerged from the bathroom a moment later. When he saw what was going on in Nakago's room, he hastily turned to his brother.
"Why don't we go get those biscuits now, Aniki?"
"Hai, let's."
Miboshi managed to pull himself out from under Ashitare and called to the twins. "Come on, boys, we're having a bonding session. Care to join us?"
The twins tried to run, but they were too late. Miboshi's powers picked them up and carried both of them into the room. The twins screamed bloody murder as the door locked behind them.
Click
"Eeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwww!" Nuriko shrieked. "A Seiryu orgy is too gross even for me! Let's see if there's anything a little more wholesome on."
**********
Hotohori, wearing a Robin Hood outfit, was riding through Suzakuwood forest on a second hand horse. Sitting behind him were Suboshi, wearing middle- eastern clothes and a turban, and Miaka, in dark sunglasses. They rode up to a stream, not more than a foot or two in width, and stopped. A very brawny looking man with red hair was standing on the only bridge running over the stream. He was holding a large staff and looked very intimidating.
"Dismount!" Hotohori said to his companions. "I'll go make sure it's safe."
The handsome young emperor stepped onto the bridge and casually spoke to the man. "I say, would you mind awfully getting out of the way?"
The red head stood his ground. "I say, not until you pay the toll."
"Toll? What toll?"
"The toll you pay for crossing me bridge," the taller man sounded a bit confused as he gestured to the little wooden bridge.
"I'm not paying any toll!" Hotohori said in surprise. "This bridge is on my family's land! Well, used to be my family's land."
"Hey, you're Hotohori of Konan!" The man smiled and patted Hotohori on the back.
"And whom might you be?" Hotohori asked.
"Oh, they call me Little Tasuki. But don't let my name fool ya. In real life, I'm veeeery big."
"I'll take your word for it. Now let me pass."
Hotohori began to walk past, but Little Tasuki held out a hand and stopped him mid-step. "Uh…no. Sorry. But a toll is a toll, and a roll is a roll. And if we don't get no tolls than we don't eat no rolls." He gave Hotohori a shy smile of triumph. "I made that up."
Hotohori sweatdropped. "That's fascinating, but I'm afraid I'll have to hurt you."
"Oh, my pleasure. Tama!" Little Tasuki yelled into the forest.
Tamahome appeared out of nowhere with another long staff in his hand. He suddenly stopped when he saw Miaka standing next to the horse. With his complete attention on Miaka, Tama's staff hit Hotohori in the head when he threw it.
"Thank you," Hotohori grumbled as he rubbed the growing bump on his forehead.
On the other side of the stream, Suboshi watched with sweatdrops all over his head. "Hey, Miaka."
Miaka turned to him. "Did you say Great Baka?"
Suboshi looked like he was about to throttle the blind girl. "No, I didn't say 'Great Baka', I said 'hey, Miaka'! Hold the reins, woman!"
He shoved the horse's reins into Miaka's hand and walked over to the bridge over the minute stream. "Hey, Hotohori. Hotohori!"
Hotohori raised a finger to pause Tasuki from attacking. "Scuse me."
"No, scuse me," Suboshi grumbled. "Look, man, you don't have to do this. This ain't exactly the Yangzee!" He started to jump from one side of the stream too the other. "I'm on one side, I'm on the other side. I'm on the east bank, I'm on the west bank." He stood so that one foot was on either side of the stream. "It is not that critical."
"That's not the point, it's the principle of the thing," Hotohori said while Little Tasuki nodded vigorously in the background.
The sweatdrops multiplied on Suboshi's head. "Nice know'n ya."
Corny English fight music began to play as Little Tasuki and Hotohori began to spar with the staffs. Suddenly, both staffs snapped in half. The two men shrugged, threw away on of the halves, and continued fighting. The staffs snapped in half again. They each threw another half away, and continued fighting with foot long staffs. The music sped up as they circled each other with their miniature weapons. All of a sudden, the staffs snapped again. Now they were left with little, six-inch, sticks. The two men shrugged and prepared to fight again. Hotohori whacked one of Little Tasuki's hands. The taller man shook his hand and put it back on the stick. Hotohori whacked the other hand. Again, Little Tasuki shook his hand and put it back on the stick. Hotohori whacked the first hand again with a little smirk of triumph on his face. Little Tasuki shook his hand, again, and put it back on the stick. Hotohori raised the stick again. This time, Tasuki lowered his hands with a "don't you dare" look on his face. So, Hotohori whacked him on the head, and then on the foot. Dazed and in pain, Tasuki lost his balance and fell off the bridge into the chibi stream. Hotohori put his hands on his hips and laughed heartily at his victory. However, he stopped laughing when he heard Little Tasuki screaming.
Little Tasuki was thrashing about in the stream, which couldn't be more than three inches deep. "Help me! I can't fuck'n swim! I'm drowning!"
Hotohori facevaulted and jumped down to help Little Tasuki stand up. The much taller red head screamed like a baby as Hotohori pulled him to his feet.
"You are such a wimp!" Hotohori yelled. "How can you possibly be taken seriously if you can't even stand a few inches of water?"
Little Tasuki's face turned the same color as his hair. "All right already, I know I can't swim! Leave me alone! I didn't expect some kind of Buddhist Inquisition!"
Chichiri, Miboshi, and Tatara suddenly burst through the trees.
Chichiri shouted at the top of his lungs in his bad Spanish accent. "Nobody expects the Buddhist Inquisition no da! Our chief weapon is surprise! That's it, just surprise no da."
"What about fear?" Tatara asked from behind.
"Oh yes, yes all right, surprise and fear."
Miboshi spoke up. "And a fanatical-"
"Shut up no da!" Chichiri hissed. "Right. Tasuki-kun, you are accused of heresy on three counts no da. Hellicy by thought, heresy by word, hellicy by deed, and heresy by act-four, four counts no da! Now, you have one last chance no da. Confess the hanus sin of heresy no da! Reject the works of the ungod-two last chances no da! And you shall be free-three last chances no da! You have three last chances no da! Unrightious creature, how do you plead no da? Ha ha ha ha ha!"
Chichiri stopped when he realized that everyone had left. "Where's everybody gone no da? Cardinal Tatara? Cardinal Tatara?"
Tatara waved from where he was sitting with the others far away from Chichiri. "Oh, sorry man, we were just having some tea with these people."
"Shut up!" Chichiri hissed and walked away.
Miboshi poured himself another cup of tea. "I wonder what's bothering him?"
1.3
1.4 Click
"I'm sick of movies," Nuriko grumbled as he helped himself to another bag of popcorn. "Let's see if there are any music videos on this thing."
**********
Hikitsu and Tomite were standing in the middle of a blizzard in goth style clothing. Very mysterious music began to play as the lights dimmed. Soon, everything glowed with a greenish tint. Both Hikitsu and Tomite raised their heads in unison and began to sing in questionable harmony.
"You only see what you're eyes want to see.
How can life be what you want it to be?
You're frozen,
When your heart's not open."
Without warning, both Genbu seishi were doused with water.
"What the hell!? I just had this stuff dry cleaned!" Tomite yelled.
"Hold on," Hikitsu said nervously. "We're standing in the middle of Hokkan during a blizzard and we're soaked. You know what that means?"
Both of them looked at each other and screamed in unison. "WE'RE FROZEN!!!"
In seconds, the two seishi turned into Genbusicles. Miaka proudly marched up to them with a water bucket in her arms.
"Ha! Now you know what I went through!"
Suzaku no Miko happily began to skip away when she tripped over a snow bank. The water bucket flew into the air and dumped its remaining contents on Miaka's head. In no time, the miko was as frozen as the rest of Hokkan. In the distance, the triumphant screams of many Miaka-haters echoed throughout the Shi Jin Ten Sho.
Click
Nuriko sweatdropped. "Then again, maybe I'd better stay away from the music videos. Let's see, there's gotta be a good movie around here somewhere."
**********
Yui closed her eyes and allowed Suboshi to lead her to the bow of the massive cruise ship. She jumped when her foot bumped against the frontal railing.
"Can I look yet?" she giggled.
"Not yet, Suboshi softly whispered into her ear.
He eased her up onto the railing and gently lifted her arms. Yui smiled as she felt Suboshi hold both of her hands to support her and intertwined their fingers. She trusted Suboshi with her life and knew he would never do anything to put her in danger. A gentle breeze played with her hair and tickled her face.
"All right, you can open your eyes now," Suboshi whispered again. The feeling of his warm breath against her neck made Yui shiver with delight.
Yui opened her eyes and gasped in delight. She was standing on the railing of the ship's bow with nothing in front but ocean. With her arms outstretched, she felt like a free bird.
"I'm flying!" she gasped. "I'm flying!"
At that moment, a very strong gust of wind blew the skirt of Yui's school uniform up, revealing yellow bunny and ducky printed underwear. Suboshi was in such shock at seeing Yui's undergarments that he accidentally let go of her hands.
"You asshole!" Yui screamed as she plummeted into the ocean.
Suboshi frantically looked around to make sure that no one was around the bow of the ship before bolting back to the third class quarters.
Click
Nuriko tossed aside another empty bottle of soda. "Much as I enjoyed that, let's see if there are any decent TV shows on."
The ever-famous Brady Bunch theme filled the air.
"Here's the story, of a Byakko Seishi
Who had three very odd posterity
Only one had a great bod, like her mother
Another eats, another reads."
A photograph appeared on screen. Young Subaru was standing in the center of her living room in a very scandalous dress and surrounded by her three daughters. Soi was in an outfit even more scandalous than her mother's and was daydreaming about Nakago. Miaka was busy stuffing her face with anything edible that she could grab. Next to Miaka, Yui was sitting on the floor with her nose buried in a very thick textbook.
1.4.1 "Here's the story, of a man, Tokaki
Who had three very strange sons of his own
You could hardly say that they were all men
Still Tokaki felt alone"
Another photograph appeared on the TV screen. Tokaki was sitting on a couch with a mischievous smirk on his face as he flexed his muscles. Like Subaru, Tokaki was surrounded by his own kids. Chiriko was absorbed in an ancient scroll, Tomo was drooling all over Nakago, and Nakago was busy devising ways to kill Tomo.
1.4.2 "Till the one day when Subaru met Tokaki
And they knew that it was much more than a hunch
That this group is totally dysfunctional
But they don't care because they are the Seishi Bunch
The Seishi Bunch! The Seishi Bunch!
God help us because they are the Seishi Bunch"
A final photograph came on screen. Subaru and Tokaki were wrapped in each other's arms with very naughty smirks on their faces. Meanwhile, Soi and Tomo were fighting over Nakago. Yui and Chiriko were sitting on the floor, hand in hand, while reading a book about the Spanish Inquisition. Miaka was still stuffing her face. In the background, Mitsukake was wearing an apron and busy cleaning up Miaka's crumbs.
Click
Nuriko's face paled as he grabbed for the remote. "The horror…the horror…"
Chapter1: Let the Surfing Begin
**********
Regis Philbin smiled brightly. "All right, welcome back. We have Chiriko from Konan here tonight. He's already won five hundred thousand without using any of his lifelines. Let's see if he can win a million dollars!"
Adrenaline pumping music filled the studio as the lights dimmed. Two bright spotlights shone down on Chiriko and Regis. Chiriko didn't look the least bit nervous. He actually looked very calm and confident in the hot seat.
"All right, Chiriko, you are one away from the million. Here we go! What was the name given to the time when religious radicals persecuted those of different religions? Was it A) The Spanish Inquisition, B) The Catholic Inquisition, C) The German Inquisition, or D) The Buddhist Inquisition?"
Chiriko smiled confidently. "That's easy! I don't need to use any of my lifelines for that one! It was the Spanish Inquisition! That's my final answer, Regis!"
Regis paused long enough for Chiriko to start sweating nervously before answering. "I'm sorry but the correct answer was 'The Buddhist Inquisition'."
"Nani! That's impossible!" Chiriko wailed as Regis handed him a check for thirty-two thousand dollars. "It's not fair! I didn't expect that there was a Buddhist Inquisition!"
There was a large crash as Chichiri, Miboshi, and Tatara burst through the studio wall. Tatara and Miboshi were in bright scarlet Buddhist monk robes, while Chichiri was in a flamboyant red version of his normal clothes. Chichiri spoke very fast with a terrible Spanish accent.
"Noooooobody expects the Buddhist Inquisition no da! Our weapon is surprise, surprise and fear no da! Fear and surprise-our two weapons are fear and surprise and a ruthless efficiency no da! Wait! Our three weapons are fear and surprise and a ruthless efficiency and an almost fanatical devotion to the four gods no da! Ack! Amongst our weapons are fear, surprise, ruth…Amongst our weaponry are such elements as fear, sur- hang on no da. I'll come in again no da. Say that line again, Chiriko."
Chiriko rolled his eyes and spoke his line again. "I didn't expect a Buddhist Inquisition."
Chichiri burst into the studio again. "Nnnnnnnooooooobody expects the Buddhist Inquisition no da! Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as fear, surprise, a ruthless efficiency, and an almost fanatical devotion to the four gods, and very fashionable red robes-ARG! It's no good, I'm sorry no da. Cardinal Miboshi, you'll have to say it no da."
"Say what?" the demonic baby-monk-child-thing asked.
"You have to say 'our chief weapons are…' no da."
"Oh, OK. Chiriko, start over."
Chiriko looked up briefly from a very thick book on the Spanish Inquisition and repeated his line without the slightest trace of enthusiasm. "I didn't expect a Buddhist Inquisition."
Miboshi floated back into the studio through the hole Chichiri created. He stuttered since he couldn't quite remember the lines. "Uh…nobody…um…"
"Expects," Chichiri hinted in a low voice.
"Expects," Miboshi repeated. "Nobody expects the…uh…Buddhist…"
"Inquisition."
"Nobody expects the Buddhist inquisition. In fact, those who do-"
"Our chief weapon is," Chichiri interrupted.
"Our chief weapon is…um…"
"Surprise,"
"Surprise and…"
"Stop, stop, stop that no da!" Chichiri interrupted again. "All right, all right no da! Our chief weapon is surprise blahblahblahblahblah. Now, Cardinal Tatara, read the charges."
Tatara pulled out a scroll and began to read. "At the sound of the tone, the time will be-"
Click
"It'll never be a hit," Nuriko grumbled as he flipped to the next channel.
**********
Tamahome and young Tokaki stood facing each other in an ancient looking dojo. Tamahome was wearing a white kung fu uniform while Tokaki wore an identical uniform in black.
Tokaki gestured to the dojo with his hand. "This is a sparring program, similar to the programmed reality of the Matrix. It has the same basic rules; rules like gravity. What you must learn is that these rules are no different than those from a computer system. Some can be bent, others can be broken. Do you understand?"
"Do you?" Tamahome asked. "For crying out loud, how the heck do you know about computers? You've lived in ancient China all your life. I barely understand those things."
"Shut up," Tokaki hissed through his teeth before raising his voice. "Than try to hit me. If you can."
Tamahome shrugged and launched himself at Tokaki. The Byakko seishi teleported out of the way and kicked his student in the back. Tamahome whirled around and the two of them began to grapple furiously.
Tokaki pulled away. "Good. Adaptation, improvisation. But, your weakness is not your technique."
Tamahome went after Tokaki again. The two exchanged kicks and punches, but nothing connected with either of them. Tamahome jumped off one of the dojo's pillars and backflipped over his sensei's head. He landed gracefully, only to be kicked through another pillar by Tokaki. Tamahome pulled himself into a sitting position and caught his breath.
"How did I beat you?" Tokaki asked.
"Isn't it obvious?" Tamahome growled. "It's because you're supposed to be the almighty master and I'm the idiot student. That's our characters baka! You're supposed to be faster than me even if you are over a hundred years old."
"Do you believe that my being stronger or faster or older has anything to do with my muscles in this place?" He watched Tamahome shake his head. "You think that's air your breathing now?"
"Why would I care about breathing air? Geeze, first I find out that I'm a character in a book, and then I think I'm just a copy of the original Tamahome, and now I'm just a slave to a computer. I'm having a serious identity crisis here!" Tamahome began to sob dramatically.
"Again!" Tokaki bellowed.
The two began to grapple again. Tokaki kicked Tamahome in the chest and the Suzaku seishi went down again.
"What are you waiting for? You're faster than this. Don't think you are. Know you are."
Tokaki raised his hand and beckoned for Tamahome to attack again. Tamahome grumbled something nasty about his incompetent sensei before engaging the Byakko seishi in battle once more. As they fought, Tokaki called out.
"Come on, stop trying to hit me and hit me!"
Tamahome's symbol flared to life. The Suzaku seishi concentrated and sent a ki blast right at the unsuspecting Tokaki. The Byakko seishi went flying through the roof and disappeared over the horizon.
"Well," Tamahome shrugged. "You said you wanted me to hit you. You didn't say how."
1.1
1.2 Click
Nuriko sighed. "Next!"
**********
A montage of black and white pictures appeared on the screen. Each picture was of one of the Seiryu seishi and an old townhouse in the middle of Tokyo.
Yui's voice could be heard over the background music. "This is the story of seven Seiryu seishi forced to live in a house and have their lives taped. This is the 'Real World'."
The scene opened up inside the house. Amiboshi yawned as he entered the kitchen. Ashitare was already there eating out of a plastic doggy dish. Amiboshi reached for the coffeepot and was about to pour himself a cup when he felt Ashitare rub against his leg affectionately. The blonde couldn't help but smile as he searched the cabinets for some doggy treats. When he found the box, both he and the wolf man were disappointed to see that it was empty.
"Suboshi!" he called down the hall. "We're out of dog biscuits for Ashitare. Could you pick some up?"
"Sorry, Aniki!" Suboshi called back. "I'm still waiting for Tomo to finish putting on his makeup!"
The camera zoomed down the hall to where Suboshi was pounding on the bathroom door and cursing at the top of his lungs. "Tomo you beep! How long are you gonna be in there!? Some of us have to beeping go!"
Tomo emerged from the bathroom with a scowl on his face. "beep off, kid. Unlike you, I actually give a beep about how I look in the morning."
"Oh, give it up. We all know that Nakago doesn't give a beep about gay guys like you."
Tomo smirked. "You would be surprised, boy. Nakago-sama can be very pleasing to any gender."
"Ne, Tomo?" Amiboshi called down the hall. "Could you pick up some dog biscuits?"
"Sorry, flute boy, but I have other plans this morning."
Suddenly, a feminine voice echoed throughout the house, rattling the broken windows. "MIBOSHI YOUBEEP! WHAT THE BEEP DID YOU DO TO MY MAKEUP!?"
Tomo's eyes lit up. "If she's in the other bathroom, then that means Nakago- sama is all alone." Without another word, the painted seishi bolted down the hall to Nakago's room and slammed the door behind him.
The camera zipped up the stairs to where Soi was shouting at the top of her lungs into Miboshi's face. "You little floating beep! How many times do I have to tell you to beeping stay away from my makeup!? I don't care if you need it for your beep spells! All of my makeup is imported! Do you know how beeping expensive that is!"
Miboshi took the verbal onslaught without batting an eyelid. "I don't care how beeping expensive it is! It was on my beeping side of the beep bathroom. That makes it beeping mine!"
Meanwhile, Amiboshi was trying with all his might to keep Ashitare from jumping in. Soi was about to slaughter the little demon child-monk-baby- thing when a very erotic moan came from behind Nakago's closed door.
"Oh, Nakago-sama!" The voice was definitely Tomo's.
Soi was livid. "That little beep is in there with my Nakago-sama!"
Miboshi snickered. "Don't worry, Soi. You can always stay with me."
The female seishi raised her hand and summoned forth her lightning powers, frying Miboshi, Nakago's door, and almost half of the house. She raced through Nakago's now open door and jumped on top of the two men currently occupying the bed.
"Hey! Nakago promised to do me this morning!" Miboshi yelled as he floated into the room and on top of Soi.
At that moment, Ashitare's animal instincts took over. The wolf man dashed into Nakago's room and leapt upon the growing number of bodies. Amiboshi just stood in the hallway with a very pale face. Suboshi emerged from the bathroom a moment later. When he saw what was going on in Nakago's room, he hastily turned to his brother.
"Why don't we go get those biscuits now, Aniki?"
"Hai, let's."
Miboshi managed to pull himself out from under Ashitare and called to the twins. "Come on, boys, we're having a bonding session. Care to join us?"
The twins tried to run, but they were too late. Miboshi's powers picked them up and carried both of them into the room. The twins screamed bloody murder as the door locked behind them.
Click
"Eeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwww!" Nuriko shrieked. "A Seiryu orgy is too gross even for me! Let's see if there's anything a little more wholesome on."
**********
Hotohori, wearing a Robin Hood outfit, was riding through Suzakuwood forest on a second hand horse. Sitting behind him were Suboshi, wearing middle- eastern clothes and a turban, and Miaka, in dark sunglasses. They rode up to a stream, not more than a foot or two in width, and stopped. A very brawny looking man with red hair was standing on the only bridge running over the stream. He was holding a large staff and looked very intimidating.
"Dismount!" Hotohori said to his companions. "I'll go make sure it's safe."
The handsome young emperor stepped onto the bridge and casually spoke to the man. "I say, would you mind awfully getting out of the way?"
The red head stood his ground. "I say, not until you pay the toll."
"Toll? What toll?"
"The toll you pay for crossing me bridge," the taller man sounded a bit confused as he gestured to the little wooden bridge.
"I'm not paying any toll!" Hotohori said in surprise. "This bridge is on my family's land! Well, used to be my family's land."
"Hey, you're Hotohori of Konan!" The man smiled and patted Hotohori on the back.
"And whom might you be?" Hotohori asked.
"Oh, they call me Little Tasuki. But don't let my name fool ya. In real life, I'm veeeery big."
"I'll take your word for it. Now let me pass."
Hotohori began to walk past, but Little Tasuki held out a hand and stopped him mid-step. "Uh…no. Sorry. But a toll is a toll, and a roll is a roll. And if we don't get no tolls than we don't eat no rolls." He gave Hotohori a shy smile of triumph. "I made that up."
Hotohori sweatdropped. "That's fascinating, but I'm afraid I'll have to hurt you."
"Oh, my pleasure. Tama!" Little Tasuki yelled into the forest.
Tamahome appeared out of nowhere with another long staff in his hand. He suddenly stopped when he saw Miaka standing next to the horse. With his complete attention on Miaka, Tama's staff hit Hotohori in the head when he threw it.
"Thank you," Hotohori grumbled as he rubbed the growing bump on his forehead.
On the other side of the stream, Suboshi watched with sweatdrops all over his head. "Hey, Miaka."
Miaka turned to him. "Did you say Great Baka?"
Suboshi looked like he was about to throttle the blind girl. "No, I didn't say 'Great Baka', I said 'hey, Miaka'! Hold the reins, woman!"
He shoved the horse's reins into Miaka's hand and walked over to the bridge over the minute stream. "Hey, Hotohori. Hotohori!"
Hotohori raised a finger to pause Tasuki from attacking. "Scuse me."
"No, scuse me," Suboshi grumbled. "Look, man, you don't have to do this. This ain't exactly the Yangzee!" He started to jump from one side of the stream too the other. "I'm on one side, I'm on the other side. I'm on the east bank, I'm on the west bank." He stood so that one foot was on either side of the stream. "It is not that critical."
"That's not the point, it's the principle of the thing," Hotohori said while Little Tasuki nodded vigorously in the background.
The sweatdrops multiplied on Suboshi's head. "Nice know'n ya."
Corny English fight music began to play as Little Tasuki and Hotohori began to spar with the staffs. Suddenly, both staffs snapped in half. The two men shrugged, threw away on of the halves, and continued fighting. The staffs snapped in half again. They each threw another half away, and continued fighting with foot long staffs. The music sped up as they circled each other with their miniature weapons. All of a sudden, the staffs snapped again. Now they were left with little, six-inch, sticks. The two men shrugged and prepared to fight again. Hotohori whacked one of Little Tasuki's hands. The taller man shook his hand and put it back on the stick. Hotohori whacked the other hand. Again, Little Tasuki shook his hand and put it back on the stick. Hotohori whacked the first hand again with a little smirk of triumph on his face. Little Tasuki shook his hand, again, and put it back on the stick. Hotohori raised the stick again. This time, Tasuki lowered his hands with a "don't you dare" look on his face. So, Hotohori whacked him on the head, and then on the foot. Dazed and in pain, Tasuki lost his balance and fell off the bridge into the chibi stream. Hotohori put his hands on his hips and laughed heartily at his victory. However, he stopped laughing when he heard Little Tasuki screaming.
Little Tasuki was thrashing about in the stream, which couldn't be more than three inches deep. "Help me! I can't fuck'n swim! I'm drowning!"
Hotohori facevaulted and jumped down to help Little Tasuki stand up. The much taller red head screamed like a baby as Hotohori pulled him to his feet.
"You are such a wimp!" Hotohori yelled. "How can you possibly be taken seriously if you can't even stand a few inches of water?"
Little Tasuki's face turned the same color as his hair. "All right already, I know I can't swim! Leave me alone! I didn't expect some kind of Buddhist Inquisition!"
Chichiri, Miboshi, and Tatara suddenly burst through the trees.
Chichiri shouted at the top of his lungs in his bad Spanish accent. "Nobody expects the Buddhist Inquisition no da! Our chief weapon is surprise! That's it, just surprise no da."
"What about fear?" Tatara asked from behind.
"Oh yes, yes all right, surprise and fear."
Miboshi spoke up. "And a fanatical-"
"Shut up no da!" Chichiri hissed. "Right. Tasuki-kun, you are accused of heresy on three counts no da. Hellicy by thought, heresy by word, hellicy by deed, and heresy by act-four, four counts no da! Now, you have one last chance no da. Confess the hanus sin of heresy no da! Reject the works of the ungod-two last chances no da! And you shall be free-three last chances no da! You have three last chances no da! Unrightious creature, how do you plead no da? Ha ha ha ha ha!"
Chichiri stopped when he realized that everyone had left. "Where's everybody gone no da? Cardinal Tatara? Cardinal Tatara?"
Tatara waved from where he was sitting with the others far away from Chichiri. "Oh, sorry man, we were just having some tea with these people."
"Shut up!" Chichiri hissed and walked away.
Miboshi poured himself another cup of tea. "I wonder what's bothering him?"
1.3
1.4 Click
"I'm sick of movies," Nuriko grumbled as he helped himself to another bag of popcorn. "Let's see if there are any music videos on this thing."
**********
Hikitsu and Tomite were standing in the middle of a blizzard in goth style clothing. Very mysterious music began to play as the lights dimmed. Soon, everything glowed with a greenish tint. Both Hikitsu and Tomite raised their heads in unison and began to sing in questionable harmony.
"You only see what you're eyes want to see.
How can life be what you want it to be?
You're frozen,
When your heart's not open."
Without warning, both Genbu seishi were doused with water.
"What the hell!? I just had this stuff dry cleaned!" Tomite yelled.
"Hold on," Hikitsu said nervously. "We're standing in the middle of Hokkan during a blizzard and we're soaked. You know what that means?"
Both of them looked at each other and screamed in unison. "WE'RE FROZEN!!!"
In seconds, the two seishi turned into Genbusicles. Miaka proudly marched up to them with a water bucket in her arms.
"Ha! Now you know what I went through!"
Suzaku no Miko happily began to skip away when she tripped over a snow bank. The water bucket flew into the air and dumped its remaining contents on Miaka's head. In no time, the miko was as frozen as the rest of Hokkan. In the distance, the triumphant screams of many Miaka-haters echoed throughout the Shi Jin Ten Sho.
Click
Nuriko sweatdropped. "Then again, maybe I'd better stay away from the music videos. Let's see, there's gotta be a good movie around here somewhere."
**********
Yui closed her eyes and allowed Suboshi to lead her to the bow of the massive cruise ship. She jumped when her foot bumped against the frontal railing.
"Can I look yet?" she giggled.
"Not yet, Suboshi softly whispered into her ear.
He eased her up onto the railing and gently lifted her arms. Yui smiled as she felt Suboshi hold both of her hands to support her and intertwined their fingers. She trusted Suboshi with her life and knew he would never do anything to put her in danger. A gentle breeze played with her hair and tickled her face.
"All right, you can open your eyes now," Suboshi whispered again. The feeling of his warm breath against her neck made Yui shiver with delight.
Yui opened her eyes and gasped in delight. She was standing on the railing of the ship's bow with nothing in front but ocean. With her arms outstretched, she felt like a free bird.
"I'm flying!" she gasped. "I'm flying!"
At that moment, a very strong gust of wind blew the skirt of Yui's school uniform up, revealing yellow bunny and ducky printed underwear. Suboshi was in such shock at seeing Yui's undergarments that he accidentally let go of her hands.
"You asshole!" Yui screamed as she plummeted into the ocean.
Suboshi frantically looked around to make sure that no one was around the bow of the ship before bolting back to the third class quarters.
Click
Nuriko tossed aside another empty bottle of soda. "Much as I enjoyed that, let's see if there are any decent TV shows on."
The ever-famous Brady Bunch theme filled the air.
"Here's the story, of a Byakko Seishi
Who had three very odd posterity
Only one had a great bod, like her mother
Another eats, another reads."
A photograph appeared on screen. Young Subaru was standing in the center of her living room in a very scandalous dress and surrounded by her three daughters. Soi was in an outfit even more scandalous than her mother's and was daydreaming about Nakago. Miaka was busy stuffing her face with anything edible that she could grab. Next to Miaka, Yui was sitting on the floor with her nose buried in a very thick textbook.
1.4.1 "Here's the story, of a man, Tokaki
Who had three very strange sons of his own
You could hardly say that they were all men
Still Tokaki felt alone"
Another photograph appeared on the TV screen. Tokaki was sitting on a couch with a mischievous smirk on his face as he flexed his muscles. Like Subaru, Tokaki was surrounded by his own kids. Chiriko was absorbed in an ancient scroll, Tomo was drooling all over Nakago, and Nakago was busy devising ways to kill Tomo.
1.4.2 "Till the one day when Subaru met Tokaki
And they knew that it was much more than a hunch
That this group is totally dysfunctional
But they don't care because they are the Seishi Bunch
The Seishi Bunch! The Seishi Bunch!
God help us because they are the Seishi Bunch"
A final photograph came on screen. Subaru and Tokaki were wrapped in each other's arms with very naughty smirks on their faces. Meanwhile, Soi and Tomo were fighting over Nakago. Yui and Chiriko were sitting on the floor, hand in hand, while reading a book about the Spanish Inquisition. Miaka was still stuffing her face. In the background, Mitsukake was wearing an apron and busy cleaning up Miaka's crumbs.
Click
Nuriko's face paled as he grabbed for the remote. "The horror…the horror…"