Author's Notes: As usual, I own nothing. Nothing! I'm just the lowly fic writer. And for those not familiar with "A Midsummer Night's Dream" because of the way that I set up the cast list there is going to be slash in this. So, you've been warned! Oh, and Spec (Agent Orange) is the brainchild of Apricot the Gerbil! *waves to Apricot* I hope I've got a good handle on his character. And one last - and important - warning! Eyes will probably bleed by the end of this chapter! *maniacal laughter*
Act 2: The Love Laser
GIR bounded through the woods after his bright yellow bouncy ball. His shrill, happy laughter echoed amongst the trees. Oh how GIR loved his bouncy ball. He would throw it, and it would bounce, and off he would go! He and his bouncy ball had so much fun together.
GIR gave his ball a particularly hard throw at a tree, and squealed as the ball came back towards him. The little robot started running backwards, determined to catch his ball. Just as his tiny hands closed around the ball, voices caught GIR's attention.
Ever-curious, GIR crept forward and peered around a tree trunk. "Master's masters," he breathed in surprise. GIR didn't wonder why the Tallests were here on Earth. His child-like mind merely saw them and accepted that here they were. What his gaze did fix on was the toy that Tallest Purple clutched to his chest.
"Dammit, Purple!" Red growled as he paced the length of the clearing. His robes swirled delicately around his lithe body with every turn he made. "You can't keep Mr. Foofles! He's my monkey! Now, hand him over!"
"What's the matter, Red? Jealous?" Purple smirked as he gave the monkey a quick squeeze, making it squeak. Red snarled and lunged,determined to pry the toy away from Purple, but he was too slow. Purple skipped easily to the side, leaving Red to thud into a tree.
Rubbing his aching head, Red grumbled to himself, "Some vacation this is turning out to be." Much to Red's annoyance, Purple gave the monkey another squeak. Red couldn't believe this was happening. He was the Almighty Tallest, not some foot high runt! He deserved more respect than this! Trying a different tactic, Red softened his expression. "Purple, Purple, Purple," he purred. "We don't have to fight. I just want the monkey."
Giving Red his most dangerous glare, Purple held Mr. Foofles closer. "I don't have to put up with this," Purple huffed. "And I certainly don't have to put up with you!" The violet-clad Tallest flounced off away from his partner and deeper into the woods.
"Get out of here then!" Red shouted at Purple's retreating back. Once he was alone, Red slumped down to the ground. He silently cursed Purple - oh how nice vengeance would be - until a little yellow ball bounced into his lap. Red grabbed the ball and glanced around sharply. At every sound - be it scraps of birdsong or wind babbling through tree branches - his antennae twitched. As soon as he caught sight of a flash of cyan, Red sprang into action - lunging through the brush and pinning down the spy. The last thing Red expected to find beneath him was a giggly little SIR unit who looked kind of not good. "I remember you," the Tallest murmured.
"Hi!" GIR squealed as he squirmed in the leaves. The little robot seemed not to care that he'd just been tackled. In fact, he wrapped his tiny arms around Red's gauntlet and began to purr. At least, that's the closest way Red could think of to describe the sounds coming from the tiny machine. "I like you!" GIR chirped as soon as he finished making the purring noises.
As Red stared down at the robot, an idea popped into his head - an idea so deliciously evil that he was surprised he hadn't thought of it before. "So, you like me, huh?" Red murmured, to which GIR nodded. "You really like me? Like me enough to do a favor for me?" The robot's head bobbed up and down so fiercely that for a moment Red was afraid that it would wobble off. Red's face split into a wide grin. "All right, then. Purple's being a meanie and has locked up all my toys and won't give me the access code. I need you to go to our ship, unscramble the locks, and bring me the little pink laser. Can you do that?"
GIR blinked up at Red and poked his tongue out. The machine's attention had obviously been lost. Casting about for some other way to get GIR to obey, Red grabbed a particularly curvy stick up off the ground and held it up. "I'll give you this if you get the pink laser for me." GIR's eyes went wide, and as soon as Red let him up, the little robot went dashing off in the direction that Red pointed out. Red steepled his claws together. Excellent... Soon the Love Laser would once again be in his possession.
Voices interrupted Red's silent gloating, and the Tallest ducked behind the bushes as he didn't want to be spied by the Earthenoids. "Stop following me," one human beast in a brilliant white coat snapped to the female behind him. "Just tell me where they are and go home! You said my love was here, so here I came, but I don't seem her anywhere." The female dropped her gaze, her spindly hands wringing together. Seeing as how she wasn't going to answer, the be-goggled male made shooing motions with his hands. "Just go!"
"I can't go," the stooped female sighed. "You draw me towards you. I know that following is futile, but I can't help it." Her lips parted in a toothy hiss. "Free me from your power so that for once in my life things won't go horribly wrong!" Red listened intently from his hiding place, feeling a faint stirring of pity for the human female. Maybe once he finished with Purple, he could do something to help out this obviously inferior creature.
The male human's long spike of hair bobbed indignantly as he shook his head. "I have no power over you, you poor deluded woman. How can I when I don't even know you?" When the female offered no answer, the male just sighed and turned his back to her. "Forget it. I must find my love!"
As the male strolled off, the female at last looked up. Her eyebrows scrunched together in fierce determination. "And I will keep following," she whispered. "I'd turn hell into heaven for you." She slipped after the male, nary a leaf rustling beneath her feet.
"And you'll have him before you leave this forest," Red vowed. The Tallest smiled, pleased with his plans, until an unfamiliar weight latched itself around his ankles. Looking down, Red spotted GIR. "Ah, back so soon? And did you get it?"
GIR beamed up at the Tallest and slid his head open. There, nestled safely on top of a hideous green costume, was the Love Laser! Red snatched up the laser and all but cuddled it as he held it against his chest. Red knew right where Purple would be. They'd scouted out the area and Purple had been particularly enamored of this one spot. Even Red had to admit that it was pretty. No doubt Purple had gone there to get away from Red. "Such a good little robot," Red purred down at GIR. "Once I finish up with Purple, I'm going to have another very important task for you." GIR's bright eyes flashed red as he saluted the Tallest.
*~*~*~*~*
Tallest Purple slid easily through the trees, a blur of graceful motion. Occasionally he'd glance over his shoulder at the much slower, but ever-present, attendents. Some knew enough woodlore to be able to move silently over the terrain, but most stumbled about. The occasional giddy laugh reached Purple and he had to smile. This planet was so much more alive than Irk, and most of the attendents had never even seen a real tree before. Purple would really have much prefered some time alone, but on an alien planet that just wasn't going to happen.
At last he stepped out into a clearing. Warm sunlight filtered down from the branches that arched overhead. So peaceful... At the far end sat an over-sized rock. Purple crossed the clearing and climbed upon the stony surface. Ah, now he could watch everything going on and relax. The violet clad Tallest stretched out, resting his chin upon the backs of his hands.
All of Purple's attendents spread out, checking the grove for dangers - all but the smallest who strode up to Purple's rock where he sat down and began making castles in the dirt. "Lulla, lulla, lullaby; lulla, lulla, lullaby," the little one hummed happily. As the little one noticed some of the local wildlife creeping along the ground, he began adding more words to his little sing-song melody.
"Weaving spiders, come not here:
Hence, you long-legged spinners, hence!
Beetles black, approach not near;
Worm nor snail do no offense."
Purple's eyes started to drift close as he listened, and he found himself humming along. The first of his soft snores were interrupted by a piercing war cry. Jerking awake, Purple looked down to see the little one wielding a stick like a sword. "Take that!" the tiny Irken cried, as he sliced at the air. "And that! And that! No one can defeat Agent Orange!" Whirling around in imitation of the master duelists of Irk, the tiny Irken tripped over his own booted feet, and Purple began laughing.
The rest of the attendents had cleared out once the area had been deemed safe, and so Purple was left alone with the shorty. Doubting that he'd be able to get any rest with the little one around, Purple cast about for a plan. As the little one stood and dusted himself off, Purple noticed that sewn upon his tunic was an orange triangle. Great... This one had brainworms... "Hey, little guy," Purple called down. The little one responded quickly by straightening up and saluting. His food-splotched chest puffed out proudly at being addressed by his Tallest. Purple tossed Mr. Foofles down to the shorty. "Take him and keep him safe," he told the little one. "I don't want Red to get him."
"Yes, my Purple Tallest!" the little one saluted, and scampered off into the trees.
"Alone at last," Purple murmured to himself, as he felt himself once again caught up in the lazy waves of drowsiness.
From among the leafy branches, Red watched as sleep overcame his partner. Red knew that what he was going to do was wrong, and for a moment his resolve faltered. But then he reminded himself that he'd never get to squeak Mr. Foofles again if he couldn't do anything to get the stuffed toy from Purple. Taking careful aim with the Love Laser, Red pulled the trigger. The pink beam of light hit Purple dead on. The sleeping Tallest merely shuffled around on his rock, seeming not to have felt a thing. "I hope you awaken when some hideous Earth monster is around," Red muttered under his breath, trying to cover his disgust for what he'd just done with anger. "And take it for your true love."
A tugging at Red's robes caught his attention. He looked down and found GIR grinning up at him. Oh right! Red had almost forgotten about his new mission for the robot. Crouching down, Red placed a double-fingered hand on GIR's shoulder. "All right now, listen very very very very carefully. There are a pair of humans running around this forest - a male and a female - and I want you to take the Love Laser and zap the male so that he falls in love with the female. Got it?" The robot stared blankly up at the Tallest, and Red had to explain himself three more times before GIR finally seemed to understand.
Taking the laser, GIR ran off into the woods to find the human's that master's master had told him about. GIR liked the laser. It had such a pretty pink light, which made him think of cinnamon rolls. Cinnamon rolls were yummy! And so were... GIR paused, his finger drifting up towards his mouth. He was forgetting something very very very very important, and he couldn't do that. Master's master would get mad. Frowning, GIR sat down on the ground and tried to puzzle out what he was forgetting. He knew it had something to do with the pretty pink cinnamon roll laser, but what? Maybe if he fired it...
Spotting a squirrel, GIR took careful aim with the laser. His tongue slid out of his mouth in concentration. When the pink beam enveloped the squirrel, GIR half-expected the furry beast to turn into a cinnamon roll. Instead, though, in a flash of fur, the squirrel pounced upon a pink bunny and began doing... things. GIR could only stare, having never seen anything like that before. He had to admit that the squirrel sure looked like it was having fun, though the rabbit looked distressed. Gir was just about to fire at the rabbit so that it would have fun too when he heard voices approaching.
Master's parent decoys wheeled into view. Oh! Now GIR remembered - master's master had said to shoot a human with the laser! But the decoys weren't human. But they were supposed to seem human! Maybe they'd fooled master's master! Oh, master would be so pleased to know that.
Robo-dad's head spun in circles as he looked around. "I think we're lost, honey. And it's starting to get dark. Maybe we should rest here for the night." He'd been trained to emulate a human, and according to his training, humans were supposed to not go wandering around when they were lost.
The 'wife' of the couple made a harrumph sound. She missed the comforts of the house. Being so far away from the only home she'd ever known and without her son along made her nervous. Fidgeting, Robo-mom sat upon the grass. Robo-dad smiled and sat down beside her. "Please sit further away," the mom squeaked as her training in human proprieties kicked in. Robo-dad scooted a few inches away. "Further," was the only reply his compliance got. With a shrug, Robo-dad got back up and separated himself by several feet from his wife.
Robo-mom sighed and lay back, watching the sky between the branches. She knew that she was supposed to be married to the Robo-dad, but didn't humans have some sort of ceremony that made marriage official? She couldn't remember ever having had such a ceremony. In fact, her first memories were of greeting her son at the door one night. So how could she be married if she couldn't remember it? And if she wasn't married, then it wouldn't do to have the Robo-dad get too close. Her training had specifically said, "No ding ding without the wedding ring." Life was just too confusing when you were a robot. Sighing, the Robo-mom shut down most of her systems in a semblance of sleep.
GIR waited until the robo-parents appeared to be asleep. Now he could finish his mission and make master's master happy! He zapped Robo-dad with the pink cinnamon roll light, and made a happy beeping noise. GIR knew he'd done good. And if master's master was happy, then master would be happy. And then master would get GIR some chocolate moo juice! GIR rushed off to report to master's master that the mission was a success. The little robot never noticed the approach of another couple.
Professor Membrane glared over his shoulder at the withered teacher. She hovered behind him like a menacing shadow, and he wanted her gone! "Stop haunting me!" the scientist snapped, whirling around suddenly and giving Ms. Bitters a harsh shove. "Stay here or go back, but don't follow me!" Professor Membrane stormed off, leaving a stunned Ms. Bitters watching his retreating back.
"Zim's mother has no idea how lucky she is," Ms. Bitters muttered. "Having the love of a man like that. What does she have that I don't?" Noticing a body upon the ground, Ms. Bitters shook off her bitter musings. She crawled forward and frowned as she recognized the person as Zim's father. He lay so still... Was he dead? Probably. If not, he would be eventually. Shrugging, Ms. Bitters reached out and shook the man's shoulder.
Zim's father came awake in an instant. He stared in awestruck silence, his mouth unhinging and his jaw falling to the ground. Ms. Bitters didn't flinch at the sight. She'd been around long enough that nothing could really faze her anymore, not even a grown man picking his jaw up off the ground and screwing it back into place. "You are the most beautiful woman I've ever laid eyes on," he sqeaked once his mouth was back in place.
"And what about your wife?" Ms. Bitters growled, not believing a word she was hearing.
Zim's father waved his hand in a dismissive gesture. "What about her?" he purred, pressing closer to Ms. Bitters. "I realize now that it's not her I love, but you! Oh sweet angel of the night, you are far more wonderful woman than my wife!" Ms. Bitters scowled her fiercest scowl, certain that this had to be some sort of joke right up until the man's sqeezing hand gently cupped her ancient, sagging breast.
For the first time finding herself at a loss, Ms. Bitters let out an undignified squeak and scrambled away. "Stay back!" she screeched when she found her voice. "Don't come near me or I'll unleash a mighty doom upon you!"
"Ah, but what a sweet, sweet doom it would be," Zim's father sighed to himself. Ms. Bitters growled like a cornered howler monkey and fled into the deep shadows, seeking the invisibility she was so good at finding there. Zim's father merely gave chase, shouting after her in a phony French accent, "Come out, ma petite!"
Left alone, and sensors at last detecting that something was wrong, Robo-mom came out of her 'sleep' and stared around wildly. Robo-dad was no where in sight! "Honey!" she called out desperately. "Honey, where are you?" No answer. A million worries flickered through her electronic brain, before she came to a decision. Robo-mom strode deeper into the forest, determined to find her 'husband.'