LoD Help Me Hotline
Malk: Hello all you freaks of nature! We're live from Flower Studios in Donau to bring you all the help you need! ((And damn, if you're reading this, you need a LOT of help!)) Since Legend of Dragoon is such a challenging game, I decided one night to open up an LoD Help Me hotline and take up some calls and answer some of the more challenging questions. The phone lines will be open for THIRTY minutes, and not a second longer! To prevent myself from over-exasperation, Lloyd also kindly agreed to help me (ok, so it took SOME persuasion...*looks at Lloyd, who is hand-cuffed to Malk*). Eh hem, now, without further adieu, let's open those phone lines!
PHONE LINES ARE NOW OPEN! CALL 1-800-NOODLE
Malk: Uh...oops, wrong number...
PHONE LINES ARE NOW OPEN! CALL 1-800-LODHELP
Malk: All right Lloyd! Now we just have to sit back and wait for calls! ^_^
Lloyd: -_-
*15 minutes pass*
Malk: ^_^
Lloyd: -_-
RINGRING!!
Malk: Yippie! Our first caller! *picks up phone* Hello, you have reached the LoD Help Me Hotline. Ask away, cowboy!
Caller 1: So, uh, this isn't that Chinese Restaurant is it?
Malk: No, sorry, you have the wrong number! *click* ^_^
Lloyd: -_-
RING RING!
Malk: *picks up phone* Hello, you've reached the LoD Help Me Hotline!
Caller 2: Yes, I have a question.
Malk: Fire away, sister!
Caller 2: I was just wondering if it was true whether or not you could bring Lavitz back to life?
Malk: No, that's not possible.
Caller 2: But I read on this other site that it's possible to do that if you enter a certain code on a Turbo Controller while you're in the Wingly Palace.
Malk: Well, that guy just thought of a cheap way for people to buy Turbo Controllers, huh? Besides, why would you want Lavitz back? He probably smells like moldy carrots he's been dead so long by the time you get to the Wingly Palace. I wouldn't want some rotting dude with worms coming out of his holes in his body in my party.
Caller 2: So, you've tried it before and know for sure that it's not possible?
Malk: No.
Caller 2: Then how do you know it's not possible?
Malk: Lady, I am NOT going to waste Lloyd's money buying some controller trying something that isn't possible! I hate rumors. Next caller!
Caller 3: Jewel....Jeeeeeeeeeeewel.............
Malk: Uh, you have a question?
Caller 3: Must...beat...GRAND....Jeeeeeeeeewel....
Malk: Ah, yes, the Grand Jewel, one of the hardest bosses in the game.
Caller 3: Jeweeeeeeeeeeeel...
Malk: Uh, yes, I'll give you some advice. First of all...
Caller 3: Jeeeeeeweeeel....
Malk: Um, as I was saying, don't change...
Caller 3: The Jewel is EVERYWHERE!! BEWARE THE JEWEL!! GAAAHHH!!! ::click::
Malk: ...........
Lloyd: ........
Malk: Uh, next caller.
Caller 4: Can I speak with Lloyd?
Malk: No. Next caller.
Caller 5: YOU HAVE TO HELP ME!! I'm stuck in the Death Frontier! I've been there for weeks!! How do I get out of the Death Frontier?
Malk: I'd tell you, but then I'd have to kill you. Next caller.
Caller 6: What the hell is that pink thing in the cup next to the Lavitz portrait in the end of the game?
Malk: That, my friend, is one of the greatest mysteries of LoD that will never be solved. Next caller.
Caller 7: Jewwwwwweeeeeeellll.....BEWARE.....Jeeeeewelllll....
Malk: You're a goon. Next caller.
Caller 8: Can I get a Minitos in my party?
Malk: No.
Caller 8: Why not?
Malk: They're small, scrawny, and have hair the color of cotton candy so they're more likely to be eaten by your enemies. Next caller.
Caller 9: Do you have a boyfriend?
Malk: .......not at the moment.
Caller 9: Will you go out with me?
Malk: No.
Caller 9: Why?
Malk: I hate men.
Caller 9: But isn't Lloyd a man? You don't hate him...
Malk: He's a bishonen.
Caller 9: What's the difference?
Malk: Go ask your mother. Next caller.
Caller 10: Do you have any pets?
Malk: Yes.
Caller 10: What pets do you have?
Malk: Three cats, three betta fish, and a bird.
Caller 10: Have they ever attacked each other?
Malk: Yes. One of the cats is missing a paw due to my cat-eating betta, my other cat is missing her tail due to the bird, and my third cat is missing an eye.
Caller 10: Why is that?
Malk: He came in contact with a squirrel and it got gnawed out.
Caller 10: Whoa, seriously?
Malk: No. Next caller and please, let's keep this LoD related.
Caller 11: I have a question for Lex Luthor...
Malk: Lex...Luthor?
Caller 11: Yeah, isn't this the LoD Hotline?
Malk: Well, yes.
Caller 11: And doesn't LoD stand for Legion of Doom?
Malk: .........Well, I guess so, but it also stands for Legend of Dragoon, and that's what this hotline is for.
Caller 11: Ah, damn, that game was stupid.
Malk: .......
Lloyd: ........
Malk: Jerk. Go fall out of a tree. Next caller.
Caller 12: Jeweeeeeeeeeeeeellllll....JEWEEEELL!!
Malk: Uh, Lloyd, is there anyway to block this caller?
Lloyd: Why don't you kill him with a hammer?
Malk: Do you have a hammer?
Lloyd: No.
Malk: *click* Next caller.
Caller 13: Can I speak with Lloyd?
Malk: No. Next caller.
Caller 14: Am I caller Number 10!? Do I win a prize?!!
Malk: Yes. You win a kick in the pants. Next caller.
Caller 15: Is there a way to turn off the monsters in Zenebatos?
Malk: Yes, indeed there is. Change law 666 and the monsters will be gone.
Caller 15: .........SATAN WORSHIPER!! YOU MOCK ME!!
Malk: ........Actually, that IS the code, seriously.
Caller 15: You will face the wrath of God you horrific spawn of EVIL!
Malk: What? I say 666 and I'm automatically a devil-lover? This guy is a twisted fanatic. See you in hell, dude. Next caller.
Caller 16: Do you have Prince Albert in a can?
Malk: *click* Next caller.
Caller 17: You're mean.
Malk: I try. Next caller.
Caller 18: LLOYD IS MINE YOU HEAR ME!! MINE!! MINEMINEMINEMINE!!!! YOU WILL NEVER HAVE HIM! HE BELONGS TO ME!!
Lloyd: -_-
Malk: Whatever J-Lo. Go annoy those boy-band chicken-haired rejects from FF8 or something. Next caller.
Caller 19: How do I beat Rufus?
Malk: Wrong game, loser! Next caller.
Caller 20: Is this the Serial Killers Anonymous Hotline?
Malk: Close, but not quite. Next caller.
Caller 21: How do I remove bird poop from my carpet?
Malk: Lick it. That way you'll want to get rid of your bird and never deal with the problem again. Next caller.
Lloyd: Um, Malk?
Malk: Yes, my love?
Lloyd: .......we only have one minute left, and there's about 100 callers waiting...what should we do?
Malk: Open up all phone lines.
Lloyd: Are you sure?
Malk: Just do it before I kiss you.
Lloyd: Hurrying! *Opens all phone lines*
Caller 22: Where is my sock?
Caller 23: Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways?
Caller 24: Jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeweeeeeeeelllllll.......JEWEL!! THE JEWEL IS EVERYWHERE!! BEWARE THE JEWEL!!
Caller 25: What's up with Rose's boots?
Caller 26: Can I speak with Lloyd?
Caller 27: This game is STUPID!! You're all LOSERS!!
Caller 28: SAVE THE PENGUINS!!
Caller 29: Can I have your kitty with the one eye?
Caller 30: BANANAS!
Caller 31: Is this 1-800-NOODLE?
Malk: Oh dear...look at the time! Well folks, it's time to close the phone lines and I'm so terribly sorry that not everyone got a chance to ask a question, but I'm sure next time I open the phone lines you'll have a chance.
Lloyd: When are we opening the phone lines again?
Malk: After our vacation in the crocodile-infested swamps of Austrailia *smiles sweetly*
Lloyd: Uh.....can't we go anywhere safer?
Malk: Oh come on! There's nothing scary about those cute little reptiles!
Lloyd: -_-
Malk: Well, the plane won't wait! Until next time callers! Remember, the JEWEL IS EVERYWHERE!! Uh, I mean, good night!
*runs to the airport with Lloyd*
Malk: Hello all you freaks of nature! We're live from Flower Studios in Donau to bring you all the help you need! ((And damn, if you're reading this, you need a LOT of help!)) Since Legend of Dragoon is such a challenging game, I decided one night to open up an LoD Help Me hotline and take up some calls and answer some of the more challenging questions. The phone lines will be open for THIRTY minutes, and not a second longer! To prevent myself from over-exasperation, Lloyd also kindly agreed to help me (ok, so it took SOME persuasion...*looks at Lloyd, who is hand-cuffed to Malk*). Eh hem, now, without further adieu, let's open those phone lines!
PHONE LINES ARE NOW OPEN! CALL 1-800-NOODLE
Malk: Uh...oops, wrong number...
PHONE LINES ARE NOW OPEN! CALL 1-800-LODHELP
Malk: All right Lloyd! Now we just have to sit back and wait for calls! ^_^
Lloyd: -_-
*15 minutes pass*
Malk: ^_^
Lloyd: -_-
RINGRING!!
Malk: Yippie! Our first caller! *picks up phone* Hello, you have reached the LoD Help Me Hotline. Ask away, cowboy!
Caller 1: So, uh, this isn't that Chinese Restaurant is it?
Malk: No, sorry, you have the wrong number! *click* ^_^
Lloyd: -_-
RING RING!
Malk: *picks up phone* Hello, you've reached the LoD Help Me Hotline!
Caller 2: Yes, I have a question.
Malk: Fire away, sister!
Caller 2: I was just wondering if it was true whether or not you could bring Lavitz back to life?
Malk: No, that's not possible.
Caller 2: But I read on this other site that it's possible to do that if you enter a certain code on a Turbo Controller while you're in the Wingly Palace.
Malk: Well, that guy just thought of a cheap way for people to buy Turbo Controllers, huh? Besides, why would you want Lavitz back? He probably smells like moldy carrots he's been dead so long by the time you get to the Wingly Palace. I wouldn't want some rotting dude with worms coming out of his holes in his body in my party.
Caller 2: So, you've tried it before and know for sure that it's not possible?
Malk: No.
Caller 2: Then how do you know it's not possible?
Malk: Lady, I am NOT going to waste Lloyd's money buying some controller trying something that isn't possible! I hate rumors. Next caller!
Caller 3: Jewel....Jeeeeeeeeeeewel.............
Malk: Uh, you have a question?
Caller 3: Must...beat...GRAND....Jeeeeeeeeewel....
Malk: Ah, yes, the Grand Jewel, one of the hardest bosses in the game.
Caller 3: Jeweeeeeeeeeeeel...
Malk: Uh, yes, I'll give you some advice. First of all...
Caller 3: Jeeeeeeweeeel....
Malk: Um, as I was saying, don't change...
Caller 3: The Jewel is EVERYWHERE!! BEWARE THE JEWEL!! GAAAHHH!!! ::click::
Malk: ...........
Lloyd: ........
Malk: Uh, next caller.
Caller 4: Can I speak with Lloyd?
Malk: No. Next caller.
Caller 5: YOU HAVE TO HELP ME!! I'm stuck in the Death Frontier! I've been there for weeks!! How do I get out of the Death Frontier?
Malk: I'd tell you, but then I'd have to kill you. Next caller.
Caller 6: What the hell is that pink thing in the cup next to the Lavitz portrait in the end of the game?
Malk: That, my friend, is one of the greatest mysteries of LoD that will never be solved. Next caller.
Caller 7: Jewwwwwweeeeeeellll.....BEWARE.....Jeeeeewelllll....
Malk: You're a goon. Next caller.
Caller 8: Can I get a Minitos in my party?
Malk: No.
Caller 8: Why not?
Malk: They're small, scrawny, and have hair the color of cotton candy so they're more likely to be eaten by your enemies. Next caller.
Caller 9: Do you have a boyfriend?
Malk: .......not at the moment.
Caller 9: Will you go out with me?
Malk: No.
Caller 9: Why?
Malk: I hate men.
Caller 9: But isn't Lloyd a man? You don't hate him...
Malk: He's a bishonen.
Caller 9: What's the difference?
Malk: Go ask your mother. Next caller.
Caller 10: Do you have any pets?
Malk: Yes.
Caller 10: What pets do you have?
Malk: Three cats, three betta fish, and a bird.
Caller 10: Have they ever attacked each other?
Malk: Yes. One of the cats is missing a paw due to my cat-eating betta, my other cat is missing her tail due to the bird, and my third cat is missing an eye.
Caller 10: Why is that?
Malk: He came in contact with a squirrel and it got gnawed out.
Caller 10: Whoa, seriously?
Malk: No. Next caller and please, let's keep this LoD related.
Caller 11: I have a question for Lex Luthor...
Malk: Lex...Luthor?
Caller 11: Yeah, isn't this the LoD Hotline?
Malk: Well, yes.
Caller 11: And doesn't LoD stand for Legion of Doom?
Malk: .........Well, I guess so, but it also stands for Legend of Dragoon, and that's what this hotline is for.
Caller 11: Ah, damn, that game was stupid.
Malk: .......
Lloyd: ........
Malk: Jerk. Go fall out of a tree. Next caller.
Caller 12: Jeweeeeeeeeeeeeellllll....JEWEEEELL!!
Malk: Uh, Lloyd, is there anyway to block this caller?
Lloyd: Why don't you kill him with a hammer?
Malk: Do you have a hammer?
Lloyd: No.
Malk: *click* Next caller.
Caller 13: Can I speak with Lloyd?
Malk: No. Next caller.
Caller 14: Am I caller Number 10!? Do I win a prize?!!
Malk: Yes. You win a kick in the pants. Next caller.
Caller 15: Is there a way to turn off the monsters in Zenebatos?
Malk: Yes, indeed there is. Change law 666 and the monsters will be gone.
Caller 15: .........SATAN WORSHIPER!! YOU MOCK ME!!
Malk: ........Actually, that IS the code, seriously.
Caller 15: You will face the wrath of God you horrific spawn of EVIL!
Malk: What? I say 666 and I'm automatically a devil-lover? This guy is a twisted fanatic. See you in hell, dude. Next caller.
Caller 16: Do you have Prince Albert in a can?
Malk: *click* Next caller.
Caller 17: You're mean.
Malk: I try. Next caller.
Caller 18: LLOYD IS MINE YOU HEAR ME!! MINE!! MINEMINEMINEMINE!!!! YOU WILL NEVER HAVE HIM! HE BELONGS TO ME!!
Lloyd: -_-
Malk: Whatever J-Lo. Go annoy those boy-band chicken-haired rejects from FF8 or something. Next caller.
Caller 19: How do I beat Rufus?
Malk: Wrong game, loser! Next caller.
Caller 20: Is this the Serial Killers Anonymous Hotline?
Malk: Close, but not quite. Next caller.
Caller 21: How do I remove bird poop from my carpet?
Malk: Lick it. That way you'll want to get rid of your bird and never deal with the problem again. Next caller.
Lloyd: Um, Malk?
Malk: Yes, my love?
Lloyd: .......we only have one minute left, and there's about 100 callers waiting...what should we do?
Malk: Open up all phone lines.
Lloyd: Are you sure?
Malk: Just do it before I kiss you.
Lloyd: Hurrying! *Opens all phone lines*
Caller 22: Where is my sock?
Caller 23: Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways?
Caller 24: Jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeweeeeeeeelllllll.......JEWEL!! THE JEWEL IS EVERYWHERE!! BEWARE THE JEWEL!!
Caller 25: What's up with Rose's boots?
Caller 26: Can I speak with Lloyd?
Caller 27: This game is STUPID!! You're all LOSERS!!
Caller 28: SAVE THE PENGUINS!!
Caller 29: Can I have your kitty with the one eye?
Caller 30: BANANAS!
Caller 31: Is this 1-800-NOODLE?
Malk: Oh dear...look at the time! Well folks, it's time to close the phone lines and I'm so terribly sorry that not everyone got a chance to ask a question, but I'm sure next time I open the phone lines you'll have a chance.
Lloyd: When are we opening the phone lines again?
Malk: After our vacation in the crocodile-infested swamps of Austrailia *smiles sweetly*
Lloyd: Uh.....can't we go anywhere safer?
Malk: Oh come on! There's nothing scary about those cute little reptiles!
Lloyd: -_-
Malk: Well, the plane won't wait! Until next time callers! Remember, the JEWEL IS EVERYWHERE!! Uh, I mean, good night!
*runs to the airport with Lloyd*