LoD Help Me Hotline 2: Killer Sausages, Cheerleaders, and Ex-Boyfriends
Note: I don't think this is as good as my first one...but RnR "ne-way puhleez"
Malk: Hello again all you germs! Welcome back to the second edition of The LoD Help Me Hotline. Actually, Lloyd and I didn't stay very long in the crocodile-infested land of Australia...you see, Lloyd got in a bit of a bind...
*Lloyd comes in on a wheelchair bandaged from head to toe except two little holes for his eyes and one for his mouth*
Malk: ...And slipped on some brat's ice cream that fell on the floor at the airport when we first got to Australia. We had to return immediately. Poor poor Lloyd...good thing I baked him some get-well muffins!! ^_^ *stuffs a muffin in Lloyd's mouth*
Lloyd: #_@ mffffmfmmfmfphfmfm...
Malk: They're GOOD, huh? ANYWAY...now's your chance to call in and ask about LoD. But FIRST...I have some rules:
1. Nothing about my personal life
2. Nothing about Lloyd's personal life
3. No, you CANNOT speak with Lloyd
4. These muffins are NOT for you
5. Nothing about the JEWEL
6. Don't ask me things about other games
7. "LOD" stands for "Legend of Dragoon" and nothing else
8. No kids, pets ok
9. Be on the look out for killer sausages
10. Do not feed the cheerleaders
11. No vegetables until you eat all your desserts
12. If it hurts, do it
Malk: Well then, I think that about covers it! Ok, now, phone lines are open for a HALF HOUR, no longer.
Call 1-800-PICKLES for delicious recipes using vinegar-soaked cucumbers!
Malk: Damn it, who keeps switching the numbers!? Grrrr...
Call 1-800-LODHELP to answer all your questions about LOD!
Malk: That's better. Now, first caller, you're on!
Caller 1: Hi, I was wondering what the sachet does?
Malk: You stink like a monkey!!
Caller 1: ....excuse me?
Malk: That's easy! It gives subtle good aroma!
Caller 1: But...what does that mean?
Malk: It gives a mysterious pleasant smell.
Caller 1: But...what do I do with it?
Malk: Use it to freshen up your bathroom after your Grandpa gets out. Next caller!
Caller 2: Where is all the Stardust?
Malk: EAT BEANS!!
Caller 2: ...What did you say?
Malk: Look, kid, that questions gonna take a long time to answer and frankly I don't have time for that. Go ponder on top of a birdbath or something. Next sap...uh, caller.
Caller 3: How do I bring Lavitz back to life? I heard a rumor that you could...
Malk: It's no rumor, IDIOT, just use an Angel's Prayer. Next caller.
Caller 4: How do I get the treasure chests in the Snowfield?
Malk: Go rot in the basement!!
Caller 4: ...uh...
Malk: Go up to them and press X.
Caller 4: No, I mean the one down the slides...
Malk: Don't bother with those. They're impossible to get.
Caller 4: Then...why are they there?
Malk: To make you angry and waste your time. Besides, just keep sliding down so you can see Dart fall on his ass, that's what I like to do.
Caller 4: Hey, I like Dart!
Malk: I do too, but it's still funny when he falls on his ass. Next caller.
Caller 5: Can I pretty pretty pretty please with sugar on top and cherries and whipped cream and nuts and sprinkles and chocolate syrup and MnMs and frosting and kisses and...
Malk: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT!?
Caller 5: ...can I speak with Lloyd?
Malk: -_- Hmmm...it'll take me a long time to think about that one. Why don't you call back later? Say in about 50 years? Next caller.
Caller 6: Hello, Malk.
Malk: Who the hell is this?
Caller 6: What, don't you recognize my voice?
Malk: *GASPS* No, it can't be...
Caller 6: That's right...it's me, your ex-boyfriend. I just want to let you know that this is STUPID and EVERYTHING YOU DO IS STUPID!!
Malk: *sniff...sniff*
Lloyd: *eyes turn red*
Malk's Ex: And that Legend of Dragoon is STUPID...
Malk: *whimper...*
Lloyd: *Growls*
Malk's Ex: And that....YOU'RE STUPID!!
Malk: *bursts out crying*
Lloyd: *bandages fly off and he holds up the Dragon Buster* BISHONENS UNITE!!
*suddenly, all the bishonens, and a suspicious Meru, fly out of Malk's bishonen closest wearing loincloths and face paint and go to Malk's ex's house*
Malk's Ex: GAH! Who the hell are all of you!!
Bart from Xenogears: We're BISHONENS!
Zell from FFVIII: And we HATE to see girls cry! Especially from JERKS like you!!
Lloyd: ATTACK!!
Ferio from Magic Knight Rayearth: SKIN HIM ALIVE!!
Duo from Gundam Wing: BURN HIS NIPPLES OUT!
Gene from Outlaw Star: SUCK HIS EYEBALLS OUT!!
Meru: Let's BOIL HIM and EAT HIM!!
Bishonens: ...........
Meru: Or....not.
Lloyd: Well, don't just stand there, let's hang him by his toes and use him as a PINATA!!
Bishonens: YEEEEEAAAHHH!!
Malk's Ex: *screams like a little school girl*
Malk: The moral of this? Never break up with a girl who collects bishonens. Next caller.
Caller 7: Doesn't Meru freeze her ass off in the Snowfield? I mean she's not wearing ANYTHING except ribbons...
Malk: You make me want to PUKE MY GUTS OUT!!
Caller 7: ......I beg your pardon?
Malk: Yes, I'm sure she does. And everyone dies of heat exhaustion and dehydration if you stay in the Barrens for too long. Next caller.
Caller 8: Ruff ruff!
Malk: ......
Caller 8: Bark bark ruff!!
Malk: ....Damn it, someone put their dog on the phone. Next caller.
Caller 9: What are the lyrics to the song from the game?
Malk: Your mother was a radish!
Caller 9: .......what?
Malk: Here, let me sing them for you. *gets up on desk and starts singing WAY off key* I HAAAAAAAAAAD a DREEEEEEEEAAAM that IIIIIIIIII could FLLLLLLLLLLYYYYYYYY!!!
Caller 9: *hangs up as ears fall out*
Malk: ..........huh. Everyone's a critic. Next caller.
Caller 10: Are you taking applications?
Malk: ...um...
Caller 10: Because I'm one of the best LoD experts there is!
Malk: Well...actua...
Caller 10: Seriously! I mean I know where all the Stardust is off the top of my head!
Malk: You see....
Caller 10: AND I can master everyone's additions 100%!
Malk: .............
Caller 10: ...........
Malk: Well, I don't...
Caller 10: Besides, I know how to do all the side quests perfectly!
Malk: ............
Caller 10: .............
Malk: ................
Caller 10: .............
Malk: Um...
Caller 10: And I can master all the mini games!
Malk: .................
Caller 10: .................
Malk: ....................You see...
Caller 10: So do I get the job?
Malk: No. Next caller.
Caller 11: My characters are sick.
Malk: BITE your toenails!!
Caller 11: .......hey, all I wanna know is where is the Fletz hospi...
Malk: Then take away their pornos, you irresponsible lout. Next!
Caller 12: How come there are no bathrooms in this game? I really REALLY have to go!!
Malk: ..........there's one in the Death Frontier. Next caller.
Caller 13: How come Coolon only goes to some and not all locations?
Malk: Go lick a fence post!!
Caller 13: ...........but....
Malk: Because you need to unlock the other locations.
Caller 13: How do I do that?
Malk: You need to change laws 647, 439, 458, 129, 230, 093, 323, 783, 598, 999, 433, 198, 567, and 643 in Zenebatos. Next caller.
Caller 14: How big are your breasts?
Malk: ..............EXCUSE ME!?
Caller 14: I just want to know how big your breasts are.
Malk: ............
Caller 14: Well, how big are they?
Malk: ..................
Caller 14: This is KFC, right?
Malk: -_- Next caller.
Caller 15: What order should the balls be in on that triangle thing in Black Castle?
Malk: ASSHOLE!!
Caller 15: ........well, uh.........
Malk: Purple on top, white on the left side, orange on the right.
Caller 15: But I only have the red, blue, and yellow balls...
Malk: Keep searching, they're there. Next caller.
Caller 16: How do I beat Faust?
Malk: Go drown in some green Jell-O!
Caller 16: ............
Malk: Faust? Oh, he's a toughie. I recommend drinking lots of coffee, taking some Ritalin, and having a bitchin' hair dryer ready. Next!
Caller 17: I asked this before, but I didn't get an answer...what's up with Rose's boots?
Malk: GET A FRIGGIN JOB YOU MORON!!
Caller 17: ........what was that?
Malk: She liked both pairs and couldn't decide so here's what she did: While no one was looking, she switched one kind of each boot in the box at Wal-Mart. So some other sucker out there has the second pair of the "short tall" boots. This person is probably living in a tree with cheerleaders somewhere. Next question.
Caller 18: Why are you so mean?
Malk: Well, I'll tell you. It all started one day at the post office. I asked the lady there for a stamp, and she said, "That'll be 33 cents". Well, I only had 32 cents at the time, so I got really pissed because she STILL wouldn't give me a stamp, even though I was only ONE penny short, and the rest is history. Next caller.
Caller 19: Why does Dart have that thing on his arm?
Malk: Suck eggs!!
Caller 19: ....eggs?
Malk: Well you see that's not his real arm. A killer sausage bit off his real arm; so he had to get it replaced. He asked a wandering elf to give him a new arm, but he had to give up something in return...and that "something" was his big toe on his left foot. The exchange was made, and now Dart has a fake, metal arm and no big toe on his left foot. Next caller.
Caller 20: I've noticed something strange...
Malk: GO BITE A LEMON!!
Caller 20: That's my point...you seem to insult every other person that calls, and, well, it's not very nice.
Malk: Huh, never noticed that.
BINGBINGBING!!
Malk: Well, folks, we only have one minute left, so I'm opening up all the phone lines!
Caller 21: HEY! You lied to me!! This hotline is bogus!
Caller 22: Ruff ruff bark bark!!
Caller 23: We don't have any beans.
Caller 24: Where's the best place to buy Sachets? My grandpa just ate Chinese...
Caller 25: Is this 1-800-PICKLES?
Caller 26: Do I get the job? Huh huh do I do I?
Caller 27: SAVE THE PENGUINS!!
Caller 28: Can I have a muffin?
Caller 29: Can I speak with Lloyd?
Caller 30: We Cheerleaders will RULE ALL ONE DAY!! MWAHAHAH!!
Malk: Well, that's all the time I have today folks. Now, I'm gonna go play some Pinata...
Meanwhile, at Malk's Ex's house:
*Malk's Ex is hanging upside down by his toenails in his underwear and totally covered in green Jell-O*
*Malk is wearing a blindfold and holding a stick, all her bishonens are rooting for her*
Meru: Wait a minute!!
*Everyone looks at Meru*
Meru: She's gonna need a bigger stick! *Meru gives Malk her bitchin' hammer*
Malk: MWAHAHA!! Prepare to get "hammered"! BANZAI!!
Malk's Ex: *screams like a little school girl*
End
Note: I don't think this is as good as my first one...but RnR "ne-way puhleez"
Malk: Hello again all you germs! Welcome back to the second edition of The LoD Help Me Hotline. Actually, Lloyd and I didn't stay very long in the crocodile-infested land of Australia...you see, Lloyd got in a bit of a bind...
*Lloyd comes in on a wheelchair bandaged from head to toe except two little holes for his eyes and one for his mouth*
Malk: ...And slipped on some brat's ice cream that fell on the floor at the airport when we first got to Australia. We had to return immediately. Poor poor Lloyd...good thing I baked him some get-well muffins!! ^_^ *stuffs a muffin in Lloyd's mouth*
Lloyd: #_@ mffffmfmmfmfphfmfm...
Malk: They're GOOD, huh? ANYWAY...now's your chance to call in and ask about LoD. But FIRST...I have some rules:
1. Nothing about my personal life
2. Nothing about Lloyd's personal life
3. No, you CANNOT speak with Lloyd
4. These muffins are NOT for you
5. Nothing about the JEWEL
6. Don't ask me things about other games
7. "LOD" stands for "Legend of Dragoon" and nothing else
8. No kids, pets ok
9. Be on the look out for killer sausages
10. Do not feed the cheerleaders
11. No vegetables until you eat all your desserts
12. If it hurts, do it
Malk: Well then, I think that about covers it! Ok, now, phone lines are open for a HALF HOUR, no longer.
Call 1-800-PICKLES for delicious recipes using vinegar-soaked cucumbers!
Malk: Damn it, who keeps switching the numbers!? Grrrr...
Call 1-800-LODHELP to answer all your questions about LOD!
Malk: That's better. Now, first caller, you're on!
Caller 1: Hi, I was wondering what the sachet does?
Malk: You stink like a monkey!!
Caller 1: ....excuse me?
Malk: That's easy! It gives subtle good aroma!
Caller 1: But...what does that mean?
Malk: It gives a mysterious pleasant smell.
Caller 1: But...what do I do with it?
Malk: Use it to freshen up your bathroom after your Grandpa gets out. Next caller!
Caller 2: Where is all the Stardust?
Malk: EAT BEANS!!
Caller 2: ...What did you say?
Malk: Look, kid, that questions gonna take a long time to answer and frankly I don't have time for that. Go ponder on top of a birdbath or something. Next sap...uh, caller.
Caller 3: How do I bring Lavitz back to life? I heard a rumor that you could...
Malk: It's no rumor, IDIOT, just use an Angel's Prayer. Next caller.
Caller 4: How do I get the treasure chests in the Snowfield?
Malk: Go rot in the basement!!
Caller 4: ...uh...
Malk: Go up to them and press X.
Caller 4: No, I mean the one down the slides...
Malk: Don't bother with those. They're impossible to get.
Caller 4: Then...why are they there?
Malk: To make you angry and waste your time. Besides, just keep sliding down so you can see Dart fall on his ass, that's what I like to do.
Caller 4: Hey, I like Dart!
Malk: I do too, but it's still funny when he falls on his ass. Next caller.
Caller 5: Can I pretty pretty pretty please with sugar on top and cherries and whipped cream and nuts and sprinkles and chocolate syrup and MnMs and frosting and kisses and...
Malk: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT!?
Caller 5: ...can I speak with Lloyd?
Malk: -_- Hmmm...it'll take me a long time to think about that one. Why don't you call back later? Say in about 50 years? Next caller.
Caller 6: Hello, Malk.
Malk: Who the hell is this?
Caller 6: What, don't you recognize my voice?
Malk: *GASPS* No, it can't be...
Caller 6: That's right...it's me, your ex-boyfriend. I just want to let you know that this is STUPID and EVERYTHING YOU DO IS STUPID!!
Malk: *sniff...sniff*
Lloyd: *eyes turn red*
Malk's Ex: And that Legend of Dragoon is STUPID...
Malk: *whimper...*
Lloyd: *Growls*
Malk's Ex: And that....YOU'RE STUPID!!
Malk: *bursts out crying*
Lloyd: *bandages fly off and he holds up the Dragon Buster* BISHONENS UNITE!!
*suddenly, all the bishonens, and a suspicious Meru, fly out of Malk's bishonen closest wearing loincloths and face paint and go to Malk's ex's house*
Malk's Ex: GAH! Who the hell are all of you!!
Bart from Xenogears: We're BISHONENS!
Zell from FFVIII: And we HATE to see girls cry! Especially from JERKS like you!!
Lloyd: ATTACK!!
Ferio from Magic Knight Rayearth: SKIN HIM ALIVE!!
Duo from Gundam Wing: BURN HIS NIPPLES OUT!
Gene from Outlaw Star: SUCK HIS EYEBALLS OUT!!
Meru: Let's BOIL HIM and EAT HIM!!
Bishonens: ...........
Meru: Or....not.
Lloyd: Well, don't just stand there, let's hang him by his toes and use him as a PINATA!!
Bishonens: YEEEEEAAAHHH!!
Malk's Ex: *screams like a little school girl*
Malk: The moral of this? Never break up with a girl who collects bishonens. Next caller.
Caller 7: Doesn't Meru freeze her ass off in the Snowfield? I mean she's not wearing ANYTHING except ribbons...
Malk: You make me want to PUKE MY GUTS OUT!!
Caller 7: ......I beg your pardon?
Malk: Yes, I'm sure she does. And everyone dies of heat exhaustion and dehydration if you stay in the Barrens for too long. Next caller.
Caller 8: Ruff ruff!
Malk: ......
Caller 8: Bark bark ruff!!
Malk: ....Damn it, someone put their dog on the phone. Next caller.
Caller 9: What are the lyrics to the song from the game?
Malk: Your mother was a radish!
Caller 9: .......what?
Malk: Here, let me sing them for you. *gets up on desk and starts singing WAY off key* I HAAAAAAAAAAD a DREEEEEEEEAAAM that IIIIIIIIII could FLLLLLLLLLLYYYYYYYY!!!
Caller 9: *hangs up as ears fall out*
Malk: ..........huh. Everyone's a critic. Next caller.
Caller 10: Are you taking applications?
Malk: ...um...
Caller 10: Because I'm one of the best LoD experts there is!
Malk: Well...actua...
Caller 10: Seriously! I mean I know where all the Stardust is off the top of my head!
Malk: You see....
Caller 10: AND I can master everyone's additions 100%!
Malk: .............
Caller 10: ...........
Malk: Well, I don't...
Caller 10: Besides, I know how to do all the side quests perfectly!
Malk: ............
Caller 10: .............
Malk: ................
Caller 10: .............
Malk: Um...
Caller 10: And I can master all the mini games!
Malk: .................
Caller 10: .................
Malk: ....................You see...
Caller 10: So do I get the job?
Malk: No. Next caller.
Caller 11: My characters are sick.
Malk: BITE your toenails!!
Caller 11: .......hey, all I wanna know is where is the Fletz hospi...
Malk: Then take away their pornos, you irresponsible lout. Next!
Caller 12: How come there are no bathrooms in this game? I really REALLY have to go!!
Malk: ..........there's one in the Death Frontier. Next caller.
Caller 13: How come Coolon only goes to some and not all locations?
Malk: Go lick a fence post!!
Caller 13: ...........but....
Malk: Because you need to unlock the other locations.
Caller 13: How do I do that?
Malk: You need to change laws 647, 439, 458, 129, 230, 093, 323, 783, 598, 999, 433, 198, 567, and 643 in Zenebatos. Next caller.
Caller 14: How big are your breasts?
Malk: ..............EXCUSE ME!?
Caller 14: I just want to know how big your breasts are.
Malk: ............
Caller 14: Well, how big are they?
Malk: ..................
Caller 14: This is KFC, right?
Malk: -_- Next caller.
Caller 15: What order should the balls be in on that triangle thing in Black Castle?
Malk: ASSHOLE!!
Caller 15: ........well, uh.........
Malk: Purple on top, white on the left side, orange on the right.
Caller 15: But I only have the red, blue, and yellow balls...
Malk: Keep searching, they're there. Next caller.
Caller 16: How do I beat Faust?
Malk: Go drown in some green Jell-O!
Caller 16: ............
Malk: Faust? Oh, he's a toughie. I recommend drinking lots of coffee, taking some Ritalin, and having a bitchin' hair dryer ready. Next!
Caller 17: I asked this before, but I didn't get an answer...what's up with Rose's boots?
Malk: GET A FRIGGIN JOB YOU MORON!!
Caller 17: ........what was that?
Malk: She liked both pairs and couldn't decide so here's what she did: While no one was looking, she switched one kind of each boot in the box at Wal-Mart. So some other sucker out there has the second pair of the "short tall" boots. This person is probably living in a tree with cheerleaders somewhere. Next question.
Caller 18: Why are you so mean?
Malk: Well, I'll tell you. It all started one day at the post office. I asked the lady there for a stamp, and she said, "That'll be 33 cents". Well, I only had 32 cents at the time, so I got really pissed because she STILL wouldn't give me a stamp, even though I was only ONE penny short, and the rest is history. Next caller.
Caller 19: Why does Dart have that thing on his arm?
Malk: Suck eggs!!
Caller 19: ....eggs?
Malk: Well you see that's not his real arm. A killer sausage bit off his real arm; so he had to get it replaced. He asked a wandering elf to give him a new arm, but he had to give up something in return...and that "something" was his big toe on his left foot. The exchange was made, and now Dart has a fake, metal arm and no big toe on his left foot. Next caller.
Caller 20: I've noticed something strange...
Malk: GO BITE A LEMON!!
Caller 20: That's my point...you seem to insult every other person that calls, and, well, it's not very nice.
Malk: Huh, never noticed that.
BINGBINGBING!!
Malk: Well, folks, we only have one minute left, so I'm opening up all the phone lines!
Caller 21: HEY! You lied to me!! This hotline is bogus!
Caller 22: Ruff ruff bark bark!!
Caller 23: We don't have any beans.
Caller 24: Where's the best place to buy Sachets? My grandpa just ate Chinese...
Caller 25: Is this 1-800-PICKLES?
Caller 26: Do I get the job? Huh huh do I do I?
Caller 27: SAVE THE PENGUINS!!
Caller 28: Can I have a muffin?
Caller 29: Can I speak with Lloyd?
Caller 30: We Cheerleaders will RULE ALL ONE DAY!! MWAHAHAH!!
Malk: Well, that's all the time I have today folks. Now, I'm gonna go play some Pinata...
Meanwhile, at Malk's Ex's house:
*Malk's Ex is hanging upside down by his toenails in his underwear and totally covered in green Jell-O*
*Malk is wearing a blindfold and holding a stick, all her bishonens are rooting for her*
Meru: Wait a minute!!
*Everyone looks at Meru*
Meru: She's gonna need a bigger stick! *Meru gives Malk her bitchin' hammer*
Malk: MWAHAHA!! Prepare to get "hammered"! BANZAI!!
Malk's Ex: *screams like a little school girl*
End