A/N: I promise… you will be horrified. I recommend you not read this fic while eating or if you're situated near an open flame. You have been warned…
The skoolroom stood dark and silent, the only illumination coming from the streetlights outside which washed over the desktops with an eerie, bluish glow.
One lone figure sat waiting. It drummed its fingers nervously, counting off the seconds that had passed since the time that the other one was supposed to arrive had come and gone. Would they come at all? Why were they so late? Maybe they'd forgotten? What if it was all a lie? Thoughts of this variety rattled around inside the figure's head, and it adjusted its glasses uneasily, glancing around the classroom, trying to recall fonder memories.
This is where I first saw you. Right here in this very room. That's why we decided to meet here tonight; because this is the first place we ever met each other. The dark figure traced its finger along a desktop, unconsciously forming the outline of a heart.
From the moment you stepped through that door my life has never been the same. From that moment I knew... I felt it in my heart, that you and I...
The light creak of a doorknob turning broke into the lone figure's thoughts. A hand sporting a black, rubber glove pushed the door open quietly, and another figure entered the room behind it.
The two met eyes, the bespectacled eyes of the first staring into the shining, pupil-less eyes of the second, and the next instant the pair was wrapped in each other's arms, locked in a passionate kiss of the sort you only see in the movies.
"I was afraid you wouldn't come," said the first figure after the kiss had ended.
"I'd never leave you waiting," said the second and gingerly lifted the first figure's chin to kiss its lips once more. "Never."
"I can't believe you're really here. It's like some kind of wonderful dream."
"A dream," the second one repeated as it hopped onto a paste and marker stained desk, gazing thoughtfully at the beautiful creature across from him. And the other figure was beautiful. He'd always thought that, but up until now never realized just how beautiful. "That's the way it felt the first time I saw you, like it was some incredible dream. That day I first came into this classroom and saw you sitting behind that desk. I-I never told you how I felt, but I always wanted to. I fell in love from the first second I laid eyes on you."
"And I've always loved you too. I used to think this classroom was nothing but a glorified jail cell, driving my soul deeper and deeper into a black pit of despair with each passing day, but it has new meaning now since this is the place where we first met. When I saw you standing in that doorway I felt my heart fly for the first time, like it never had anything to fly towards until then. I never thought love at first sight was possible but..." the first figure trailed off, digging the toe of a black boot into the tile awkwardly and blushing at its own bold words. As if sensing its nervousness, the second figure took the pale hand of the first into his own gloved palm and stroked it gently. The smooth, rubber felt cool and reassuring against its fingers, and the first figure felt a tingle of excitement run down to the base of its spine. Suddenly it became too much to bare, and the two were once again entwined in the other's arms, tracing every line, memorizing every curve, inhaling every intoxicating scent the other gave off as their hungry lips pressed against each other.
"I only wish we could be like this forever," said the other figure as it gazed longingly into the eyes of his lover.
"If only we could," said the first sadly, "but people wouldn't understand. People never do. If something doesn't fit in with their conformist, orange juice drinking, Friends watching, treadmill-jogging five times a week beliefs, then it's something to be spit on. That's why we're forced to meet in the dark, silent after hours, only able to express our love while hidden in the shadows. But it's worth it if I can see you... just for a little while... like this."
The last word was barely out when it was smothered by another kiss. The couple leaned back on top of a desk and lost themselves in the throes of their burning desire.
A moment later there was a soft click, and a harsh, blaring light flooded the room. The two startled lovebirds blinked up in surprise at the new presence in the doorway.
"Hey Dad," Dib said stepping into the room, "What's taking you so long? I thought you said this parent/teacher conference would only take a few..." the trench coat clad boy stopped dead in his tracks at the scene before him.
"DAD!? MS. BITTERS!!??" he looked first at his father, then at his teacher, his eyes growing wide with a mix of shocked revulsion and horror. "OH… MY… GOOOOOODDDD!!!!!""
"Now son, I told you to stay in the car with your sister," Professor Membrane scolded lightly, but Dib was already running back down the hall screaming like a raving lunatic, his retinas on fire from the horror they'd just witnessed.
"My eyes!!! MY EEEEEYYYYYYEEEEEEEESSSSSSSS!!!! THE HOOOORROOOOOR!!!!!!!"
His son's howls of terror fading as he ran, the Professor turned back to Ms. Bitters. "Well, there goes all that expensive child therapy down the toilet. Sorry about this Lucille. Let's do this another time, shall we?"
"Okay, Steven, but next time lets just go to the movies or something. And leave Dib at home, will you? I get enough of him during class hours."
"Sure thing. I'll call you… um, well I think there's an opening in my schedule this November. See you then!" he said cheerily.
Professor Membrane buttoned up his collar with a sigh and headed into the hallway. "Tsk tsk… My poor traumatized son."
The End (and what an end it is)
A/N: Haha! You all thought I wrote a slash fic didn't you! Alright, now surely you are all asking yourselves… "What the HELL was this person thinking when she wrote this god-awful piece of vile writing!?" Well, I shall tell you exactly what I was thinking. I was thinking I wanted to make a few people laugh, and another few maybe to vomit till there's nothing left in their bellies so then they have to start vomiting up their own organs to accommodate the sheer horror… well, you get the idea. I just wanted to write something with a twist that no one would EVER see coming, and hopefully I did that. ^_^ Aren't I just so nice? hee hee (I HOPE no one's ever done thing pairing before anyway. I mean I can't read ALL the IZ fics on here!)
Anyway back to the fic (um, did I leave the fic?)… this whole thing was basically written as one big joke. That's all, nothing more or less. I'm not bashing slashers, since I'm neutral about that sort of thing, I'm not starting a new genre of PMAMBR stories. It's just a 'this is a big joke so sit there and laugh your asses' off type fic. That's why it's short, that's why the dialogue is cheesy, and that's why the love scenes are clichéd to death. I'm sorry if I made a few people ill, but like I said this was just to make people (and myself) laugh. Ha ha…? Er, yeah. Well I thought it was funny in a sick sort of way, like an axe murder in a party hat is funny. So please don't flame me for this cause it's all in good fun, kay? Also this was originally going to be an April Fool's type joke, but I wrote to too late.
Oh yeah… and despite what you may think, they were not, I repeat NOT, having sex on the desks there! You'll notice I never once mentioned clothes being torn off. I'm not THAT messed up : P
If this has disturbed you… then mission accomplished. Have a nice day ^_^
A/N: One more thing… I think I want to try my hand at beta-ing some fanfics, so if anyone wants to send me some fics to proofread I'm game. Spectra651@aol.com