OK, this was written while I was high on peeps, so I warn you this is demented and weird. Oh...and sadly I, just like all other authors here, do not own Soul Reaver (or any of the characters there of) nor do I own Peeps...The company and trademark, not the little marshmallow things themselves. No, I bought 100 of those.
Raziel's Encounter with PEEPS!
Raziel stands just outside a town. The town itself is covered in bright decorations. He peers down the street, pondering what these mortals were up to now. He slowly enters the town, walking cautiously down the street.
Random human: AHHH! MONSTER! *runs away screaming.*
Raziel: *looks after random human* What'd I do?
Raziel shrugs and continues on. Humans flee from his presence around every corner. As he walks past a store, he sees rows and rows of tiny chicken- shaped objects sitting in a window. All of them are brightly coloured, each colour more vibrant than the next. Raziel looks at them closely. Then, he hears someone behind him.
Someone behind him: What fascinates you so, Raziel?
Raziel turns to see Kain standing behind him.
Raziel: These strange objects in the window. What are they?
Kain steps forward and examines the "objects".
Kain: *laughs* Raziel, you are a fool.
Raziel: No I'm not!
Kain: Those objects are called peeps. They're made of marshmallows and covered in sugar.
Raziel looks closely at the "peeps". Then, he starts to jump up and down.
Raziel: I want one! I must have one!
Kain: *eyeing Raziel rather strangely* Will you stop that? It doesn't look right.
Raziel: *stops* Kain! Can you give me some money to buy a peep?! Please?!
Kain: *rolling his eyes* Will you shut up and leave me alone?
Raziel nods rather enthusiastically. Kain pulls out some money and hands it to Raziel.
Raziel: THANK YOU! *quickly runs into the store*
Shop keeper: Can I…*screams at sight of Raziel. Runs out of the store*
Raziel: Why do these humans keep fleeing from me?…Oh well.
Raziel takes as many of the peeps as he can carry, then exits the store. He holds a yellow one up and examines it closely.
Raziel: I wonder what strange ritual these are used for…They are quite fascinating.
Raziel sits down and lines up the peeps he has. He examines each one of them in turn, then arranges them by colour. He picks up a blue one and squeezes it. The tips of his claws pierce the outside. He tries to free them, but the gooey insides of the peep stick to the claw.
Raziel: What in the name of all that's sane is this?!
Raziel shakes his hand frantically. Finally, he pulls the peep off using his other hand. He glares at the blue peep on the ground, scowling.
Raziel: Foolish human creations.
He examines another peep. As he is doing so, he senses someone is near him. He turns to see Zephon standing next to him, looking over his shoulder at the array of tiny marshmallow chickens.
Raziel: Zephon…what are you doing here?
Zephon: One might ask you the same question.
Raziel looks at his brother closely.
Raziel: Aren't you supposed to be a big spidery thingy?
Zephon: Well, yes and no. Yes because I'm supposed to be. And no because the author of this insane fic decided that she wanted me to be like this instead of all…spidery.
Raziel: Ah, I see.
(Vampy: Yeah. I like being able to work with NORMAL sized individuals instead of overgrown…uh, things. So therefor, all of the brethren are in their vampire forms. If you wanna complain about it…go read some other fic.)
Raziel: You still haven't answered my question.
Zephon: …What was the question again…I forgot.
Raziel slaps his forehead in aggravation.
Raziel: *obviously annoyed* What are you doing here?
Zephon: Oh, that. Well, Kain sent me into town to get…something…um, what was it…
Raziel: Oh help us ALL! Zephon are you that STUPID?!
Zephon: Uh…I could be…Do you think I am?
Raziel: *eye twitching* Yes…Actually, I believe you are well beyond the point of stupidity.
Zephon: Oh…is that a good thing?
Raziel: *too aggravated to care. Rather spitefully* Yes, Zephon. That's a good thing.
Zephon: *stupid smile* Oh, okay.
Raziel turns his attention back to the peep (AN: Which is infinitely more intelligent than his brother.)
Zephon: Where did you get that peep?
Raziel: From a store. Where else, you imbecile. Though I have not discovered a purpose for them yet.
Zephon: I know what they're for!
Raziel turns to look at his brother again.
Raziel: Oh really? And that would be?
Zephon: Well, will you give me one if I tell you?
Raziel rolls his eyes and hands Zephon a pink peep. Zephon takes it and shoves the whole thing into his mouth.
Zephon: *chewing* You eat em.
Raziel looks at the peeps before him.
Raziel: That is all? you simply eat them?
Zephon nods. Raziel looks rather puzzled.
Raziel: Strange…I would have thought that they would have had a deeper purpose.
Zephon: Well…*swallows* They are pretty good.
Raziel looks at the tiny treats, forlorn.
Raziel: Sadly, I shall never be able to taste one…
Zephon: Uh…Why's that?
Raziel: Because I have no lower jaw and no tongue, the singular part of one's anatomy that allows you to taste.
Zephon: Oh…I thought it was because you don't have a stomach and stuff like that.
Raziel: Zephon, I'd kill you if you weren't so dumb.
Zephon: Hey! What's that supposed to mean?!
Raziel: Oh, nothing your tiny excuse for a brain would understand.
Zephon: Uh…okay.
Raziel: Now, will you please go away? Go…terrorize a preschool or something.
Zephon: Okay. Sounds like fun.
Zephon merrily skips off. Raziel sighs, finally freed from his brother's stupidity. He picks up two peeps, looking at each closely. Then, inspiration strikes him.
Raziel: *shaking a pink peep up and down and talking in a stupid voice* Hi! My name's Zephon and I'm a loser. *now shaking blue peep in right hand. using his normal voice* Yes, Zephon, you are a loser and you are weak!
Raziel hits the pink peep with the blue one, sending the pink peep flying. Picks up a yellow peep.
Raziel: *now using a gruff but still stupid voice* Hey, he just killed Zephon! *makes the yellow peep charge at the blue one. Switches to his normal voice* Yes! I killed Zephon! And now I shall kill you, Dumah! *sends the yellow peep flying. Laughs* No one can defeat me! I am the mighty and powerful Raziel!
Raziel continues his little "game", using different peeps to represent each of his brethren. About then, Kain happens by again. He sees Raziel sitting on the ground, playing with peeps.
Kain: *walks over to Raziel* Have you gone quite mad?
Raziel stops playing with his peeps and looks up at Kain.
Raziel: No, I'm perfectly sane.
Kain: Then why are you playing with peeps?
Raziel thinks a moment, then shrugs.
Raziel: Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Kain thinks a moment, then sits down next to Raziel.
Kain: Mind if I join you?
Raziel: Not at all. *hands Kain a pink peep.*
Kain: *takes it* Thanks. *deepening his voice* Raziel…I am your…MOTHER!
Raziel: *shaking the blue peep* AAAHHH! NOOO!
Kain: *evil laugh* Yes! It is true! Now go clean your room!
Raziel: *whining* But I don't wanna!
Kain: *laughs* Now I see why you were enjoying yourself so much with these.
Raziel: Quite entertaining.
Kain: Indeed.
They continue to play little games. Just then, Dumah, Rahab, Melchiah, Turel, and Zephon (who grew bored with chasing little kids around ((Vampy: How could you get bored doin that?))) walk past. Upon seeing Kain and Raziel playing with peeps, the 5 burst out laughing. Raziel and Kain turn to look at them.
Kain: How DARE you laugh!
Raziel: *the Soul Reaver flickering to life* Yes! How dare you laugh at us!
The 5 stop laughing, realizing the err of their ways.
Rahab: *swallowing hard* I think we should be running now.
All nod. They start running, Kain and Raziel close on their heels.
Several hours later…
Kain and Raziel walk away from the pile of gooey pulp that is the 5 brethren. They return to the place they left their peeps and resume playing.
…End.
Vampy: Thankfully…
Raziel: Why did you make me seem so simple minded?
Vampy: Well, I was attempting to make this at least semi-funny.
Raziel: Oh…so you pick on me?
Vampy: Hey, it's not my fault you leave a lot of room to be picked on. Now shut up, or I'll make you do a block puzzle.
Raziel: You wouldn't…
Raziel is suddenly in the middle of the biggest block puzzle in all of Nosgoth.
Vampy: OH trust me. I would.
Raziel: …
OK, there. Now that's out of the way, the insanity stops...for the moment. )