On one of the lower levels, Johnny saw an open door. Someone in my house,
a thought ran through his mind. And then the thought of Her, the times he
indulged in daydreams enough to think that a tap at the door, a creak down
the hallway, a ring of phone, all might have been symbols of someone who
might understand. No more hope now. No more wishing for someone to help
him. He was gone now.
He remembered the small boy, Squee, wandering through his house, though he couldn't get his mind to concentrate very well. The tunnel... he must've crawled in through there. Sponge, Johnny thought bitterly. Some request, asking help from someone so far down. The poor child couldn't help it, though... the world was so extremely full to the brim of ugly things. One's only hope is to refrain from contributing to it. If only the child could understand that.
But what was Devi, then? She was emotion, but not... not negative emotion. That was the confusing part. She was the one who screamed at him Feel! Feel as if your life depends on it! But he was not one to listen. He had had enough of this idea, anyhow, this - Feeling, enough of it to know that it was nothing he wanted part in. The few times he dropped his defenses, let himself dream, of her... those few times were enough to make him repent his weakness, and torture himself for the rest of the week.
And what God are you repenting your sins for? Devi would've asked him. But she wasn't there. Devi wasn't there. No more Devi.
A soft kick into something furry. Rats? Johnny wondered, and instinctively switched a lightbulb on, seen in the dark. No, a rather ratty stuffed bear, eyes pulled out of their sockets and stuffing trailing down the hall. The kid. He didn't have his bear with him this time. Johnny laughed. "It appears all the demons are losing tonight." He snickered at the bear. "All the excess. Things are cleaning up, for once."
Wiping the surface of the earth clean. But hadn't that been his goal before, with the killing and the people.... no, but that had been the wrong way. Johnny had no care for the good of the world. Killing people took too much out of him, and he had to be selfish in this. He couldn't be the mighty hero taking care of all the villains. He had to take care of himself. He had to go his own way, fuck it if the world goes to shit.
That was why he had to kill Her. Johnny sighed and shook it off. Devi had been in the way. He rationalizes and understands that. But he can't explain it to the sickening side of him which insists on... feeling. "No more burger boy, mr.eff, d-boy, devi. Not even Nailbunny now. I'm clean." He whispered, slamming a fist into the wall.
But - No. No, there was one more tie to take care of.
The car sped away from the broken art museum, the shattered glass and sirens hounding him. Things were harder to go about, when you refused to use murder. Like breaking into a simple art museum at night. Goddammit, things could be so much easier. He had only wanted to get his own piece back. All the trouble...
The sirens howled through the night, lonely dogs hungry for a kill. Kill the killer. But that won't work, will it. Johnny stepped on the gas, chanting, if i have to live, let me do it the way i want to.
"NO, no NO!" Happy Noodle Boy screamed from the painting thrown in the back. Johnny turned on the radio. "How do you know this is what you want, Johnny? You're fasting yourself like a perfect fundamentalist religious person."
"GodDAMMIT, stop using big words." Johnny screamed over the country music. Can't indulge in enjoying music. "It's fucking retarded. I didn't make you to be my conscious."
"Oysters and crabdip. You kill and I'll go back to being your joyous passion, Happy. But this is NOT exactly feeding my hunger."
"Well I suppose it doesn't matter, because soon you'll be gone."
"Johnny, please," Noodle Boy's voice drifted from the back, eerily reasonable. "Think about it. You're serving some God. What for? Just do what you want to do."
"Yeah, and if I don't know what I want to do, I just have to float along with what I set out to do, don't I?" Johnny snapped. "I've had enough of this."
"What are you going to do, kill yourself?"
"Explain to me why or why not."
A sigh extinguished. "If you want to feel nothing, go ahead. You'll barely be living anyway, at this rate."
"Exactly what Devi -- " Johnny paused, then stopped talking.
Noodle Boy hesitated. "But you have forever to be dead, Johnny. Forever to be Nothing. Why don't you go ahead, and BE something, while you still can? Be random and idiotic and do what you want to do. Indulge. Be happy. There's nothing else there."
"So I suppose my only aim is for nothingness."
"Such a pity."
Noodle Boy crawled out of the back seat and over the car, resting beside the antennae, watching his creator. Johnny sat still on the hood of the car, his head bowed, not seeing the rich expanse of city beneath him. A cliff for perfect access to death.
"Are you going to jump or what? You sure are prolonging the torture." Noodle Boy prodded him, bored.
"Entertain me, wretch."
Noodle Boy more than happily obliged, jumping down to the cold ground and began a performance. "'Excuse me', said another cow to another dog. 'but why have you not yet swallowed your trunk?' 'Sorry,' the dog said, 'it is because I thought I was an elephant.'" Noodle Boy howled, a small voice in the lonely, still night, and then danced around.
"Since when have you gone literature on me."
"Hey, Theater of the Absurd - it's not a far stretch." Happy Noodle Boy paused. "It's not as if you aren't terribly out of character, either. No matter - people change. But here we go - Listerine and Caviar! Booty Cheese! Citrus blood curling up the fireplace like a rabbit!"
"It's very trying." Johnny turned his attention from the acrylic form, back to the small city lights. "Devi didn't scream."
"A murder?" Happy Noodle Boy asked, intrigued. "You've been holding back on me! Do tell."
"I want to get rid of my demons, not indulge in them."
"Oh, pfft. I'm not a demon, I'm a... passion. Go on, you know you want to."
Against better judgement, Johnny began to speak. "She kissed me. On the neck. She was playing with my mind. She's caused me so much more pain than I've caused her... I'm supposed to be the one making them beg. But Devi... she always wins.
"She makes me feel. And I can't handle that. She kissed me, and turned me around and there was so much more possibility, I thought I could feel myself trembling. Me, trembling. And then one, one tiny part of me, gave into it. One part of me saw myself, kissing her back. Devi makes me feel, why... why should I give that up? Even though she hates me, this doesn't have to end. Part of me wanted to kiss and run, prolonging the excitement, adventure. Running through the asylum stabbing her and embracing her and such an orgy of emotion waved over me...."
"You should've given in." Noodle Boy protested. "I'm sorry, continue..?"
"It's so dead here." Johnny said, changing the subject to comment on the night. "Everything is dead here. It's a wasteland. Goddamn, a fucking wasteland, but that's all it is. Anyhow, that's all it is now. There's nothing left.... tonight is so quiet. The city's so still. I don't feel anything for it anymore. Not even hatred. I feel...."
"Nothing?" Happy Noodle Boy asked. "Really?" Johnny was silent for a long moment. "Anyways," the stick figure said annoyed, "please finish the killing of Devi, I'm dying to know. Get this bitch done with."
Johnny paused, then started back again, almost in mid-sentence "So when she turned me around, I kissed her back. In that one moment, I felt it. We kissed. And I felt her... I dunno, her spirit glowing against me, it was hatred, or love, or some twisted sense of both. That one moment, just... sitting there, bleeding, and crying, and I could feel tears down my cheeks even as I kissed her, and she felt them too. I think she knew she had this tremendous effect on me, and I couldn't give her that power. The one second after I gave in, I suddenly hated her with such force.. I hated her because I love her. I hate her because she makes me feel.
"And while she was still captured in that kiss, I managed the knife out of her grip and stabbed her."
"Are you sure you killed her?"
"Pretty sure. I stabbed her in the heart."
"Oh, Johnny..." Happy Noodle Boy sighed, sitting beside the car and looking out in the empty black night, the void of a city. Nothing there. "What are you going to do now?" Nothing here. Just an idiot and his delusion.
He remembered the small boy, Squee, wandering through his house, though he couldn't get his mind to concentrate very well. The tunnel... he must've crawled in through there. Sponge, Johnny thought bitterly. Some request, asking help from someone so far down. The poor child couldn't help it, though... the world was so extremely full to the brim of ugly things. One's only hope is to refrain from contributing to it. If only the child could understand that.
But what was Devi, then? She was emotion, but not... not negative emotion. That was the confusing part. She was the one who screamed at him Feel! Feel as if your life depends on it! But he was not one to listen. He had had enough of this idea, anyhow, this - Feeling, enough of it to know that it was nothing he wanted part in. The few times he dropped his defenses, let himself dream, of her... those few times were enough to make him repent his weakness, and torture himself for the rest of the week.
And what God are you repenting your sins for? Devi would've asked him. But she wasn't there. Devi wasn't there. No more Devi.
A soft kick into something furry. Rats? Johnny wondered, and instinctively switched a lightbulb on, seen in the dark. No, a rather ratty stuffed bear, eyes pulled out of their sockets and stuffing trailing down the hall. The kid. He didn't have his bear with him this time. Johnny laughed. "It appears all the demons are losing tonight." He snickered at the bear. "All the excess. Things are cleaning up, for once."
Wiping the surface of the earth clean. But hadn't that been his goal before, with the killing and the people.... no, but that had been the wrong way. Johnny had no care for the good of the world. Killing people took too much out of him, and he had to be selfish in this. He couldn't be the mighty hero taking care of all the villains. He had to take care of himself. He had to go his own way, fuck it if the world goes to shit.
That was why he had to kill Her. Johnny sighed and shook it off. Devi had been in the way. He rationalizes and understands that. But he can't explain it to the sickening side of him which insists on... feeling. "No more burger boy, mr.eff, d-boy, devi. Not even Nailbunny now. I'm clean." He whispered, slamming a fist into the wall.
But - No. No, there was one more tie to take care of.
The car sped away from the broken art museum, the shattered glass and sirens hounding him. Things were harder to go about, when you refused to use murder. Like breaking into a simple art museum at night. Goddammit, things could be so much easier. He had only wanted to get his own piece back. All the trouble...
The sirens howled through the night, lonely dogs hungry for a kill. Kill the killer. But that won't work, will it. Johnny stepped on the gas, chanting, if i have to live, let me do it the way i want to.
"NO, no NO!" Happy Noodle Boy screamed from the painting thrown in the back. Johnny turned on the radio. "How do you know this is what you want, Johnny? You're fasting yourself like a perfect fundamentalist religious person."
"GodDAMMIT, stop using big words." Johnny screamed over the country music. Can't indulge in enjoying music. "It's fucking retarded. I didn't make you to be my conscious."
"Oysters and crabdip. You kill and I'll go back to being your joyous passion, Happy. But this is NOT exactly feeding my hunger."
"Well I suppose it doesn't matter, because soon you'll be gone."
"Johnny, please," Noodle Boy's voice drifted from the back, eerily reasonable. "Think about it. You're serving some God. What for? Just do what you want to do."
"Yeah, and if I don't know what I want to do, I just have to float along with what I set out to do, don't I?" Johnny snapped. "I've had enough of this."
"What are you going to do, kill yourself?"
"Explain to me why or why not."
A sigh extinguished. "If you want to feel nothing, go ahead. You'll barely be living anyway, at this rate."
"Exactly what Devi -- " Johnny paused, then stopped talking.
Noodle Boy hesitated. "But you have forever to be dead, Johnny. Forever to be Nothing. Why don't you go ahead, and BE something, while you still can? Be random and idiotic and do what you want to do. Indulge. Be happy. There's nothing else there."
"So I suppose my only aim is for nothingness."
"Such a pity."
Noodle Boy crawled out of the back seat and over the car, resting beside the antennae, watching his creator. Johnny sat still on the hood of the car, his head bowed, not seeing the rich expanse of city beneath him. A cliff for perfect access to death.
"Are you going to jump or what? You sure are prolonging the torture." Noodle Boy prodded him, bored.
"Entertain me, wretch."
Noodle Boy more than happily obliged, jumping down to the cold ground and began a performance. "'Excuse me', said another cow to another dog. 'but why have you not yet swallowed your trunk?' 'Sorry,' the dog said, 'it is because I thought I was an elephant.'" Noodle Boy howled, a small voice in the lonely, still night, and then danced around.
"Since when have you gone literature on me."
"Hey, Theater of the Absurd - it's not a far stretch." Happy Noodle Boy paused. "It's not as if you aren't terribly out of character, either. No matter - people change. But here we go - Listerine and Caviar! Booty Cheese! Citrus blood curling up the fireplace like a rabbit!"
"It's very trying." Johnny turned his attention from the acrylic form, back to the small city lights. "Devi didn't scream."
"A murder?" Happy Noodle Boy asked, intrigued. "You've been holding back on me! Do tell."
"I want to get rid of my demons, not indulge in them."
"Oh, pfft. I'm not a demon, I'm a... passion. Go on, you know you want to."
Against better judgement, Johnny began to speak. "She kissed me. On the neck. She was playing with my mind. She's caused me so much more pain than I've caused her... I'm supposed to be the one making them beg. But Devi... she always wins.
"She makes me feel. And I can't handle that. She kissed me, and turned me around and there was so much more possibility, I thought I could feel myself trembling. Me, trembling. And then one, one tiny part of me, gave into it. One part of me saw myself, kissing her back. Devi makes me feel, why... why should I give that up? Even though she hates me, this doesn't have to end. Part of me wanted to kiss and run, prolonging the excitement, adventure. Running through the asylum stabbing her and embracing her and such an orgy of emotion waved over me...."
"You should've given in." Noodle Boy protested. "I'm sorry, continue..?"
"It's so dead here." Johnny said, changing the subject to comment on the night. "Everything is dead here. It's a wasteland. Goddamn, a fucking wasteland, but that's all it is. Anyhow, that's all it is now. There's nothing left.... tonight is so quiet. The city's so still. I don't feel anything for it anymore. Not even hatred. I feel...."
"Nothing?" Happy Noodle Boy asked. "Really?" Johnny was silent for a long moment. "Anyways," the stick figure said annoyed, "please finish the killing of Devi, I'm dying to know. Get this bitch done with."
Johnny paused, then started back again, almost in mid-sentence "So when she turned me around, I kissed her back. In that one moment, I felt it. We kissed. And I felt her... I dunno, her spirit glowing against me, it was hatred, or love, or some twisted sense of both. That one moment, just... sitting there, bleeding, and crying, and I could feel tears down my cheeks even as I kissed her, and she felt them too. I think she knew she had this tremendous effect on me, and I couldn't give her that power. The one second after I gave in, I suddenly hated her with such force.. I hated her because I love her. I hate her because she makes me feel.
"And while she was still captured in that kiss, I managed the knife out of her grip and stabbed her."
"Are you sure you killed her?"
"Pretty sure. I stabbed her in the heart."
"Oh, Johnny..." Happy Noodle Boy sighed, sitting beside the car and looking out in the empty black night, the void of a city. Nothing there. "What are you going to do now?" Nothing here. Just an idiot and his delusion.