Calbania Calamities
Bud: Our next reel happens during the filming of the Carlbania Island battles. More of the things you like so much, plus a new controversy that will result in 'more action than you can shake your middle finger at!'
[filmed on location on the set in Basilan Island, Philippines]
[Cast meeting]
D: Welcome all to Carlbania Island!
MM: [sarcastic] Whoopee. I'm so happy.
R: Wait a minute? Why aren't we in Ruminoa?
D: Well, the mayor 'accidentally' pressed the self-destruct button WAY TOO EARLY and we're filming here to avoid any delays while they reconstruct the entire set from scratch. It's also because the producers don't think you deserve vacations the way you've been treating me during filming.
R: There goes my date with Teisel...
D: right...Let's meet the new cast members. Tron, you remember Glyde, don't you?
G: It's a pleasure to meet you Tron. My, you look beautiful today.
T: As if. Can't you say anything more original than that?
MM: Don't be trying to pull off any moves with my Tron, buddy.
G: I already have. Remember our little gig in the barn?
T: AAGH! DON'T REMIND ME!
MM: Stop torturing her!
G: And remember that time in the casino janitor's closet?
T: NOOOOOOO! THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING! X-O
MM: STOP IT OR I'LL DRILL A HOLE RIGHT THROUGH YOU!
D: ALL THREE OF YOU SHUT THE FACK UP!!!
[all goes silent]
D: Thank you.
D: I'd also like to introduce Shu...
Shu: Hi guys!
[Trigger stares at Shu. Her 'poor-person' clothes seem to make her look very sexy.]
MM: Whoa...those are big...
T: Trigger! What are you looking at?!
MM: Oops...sorry. I was just daydreaming...
T: You'd better be just daydreaming, OR ELSE!
D: ...and her...uh...cousins, Appo and Dah.
A: Hallo! Ha Ha!
Dah: Same heer! Ha Ha!
G: Oh great. We're working with retards.
[Appo and Dah start crying]
Shu: Stop making fun of them! They're not retarded, they're just mentally challenged!
G: What's the facking difference? [Shu gives Glyde a MONSTA bitch-slap] AAAGH! SWEET BEJEEZUS THAT HURT!
Shu: I told you not to make fun of my cousins!
D: AND I'M TELLING THE BOTH OF YOU TO STOP FIGHTING! NOW SIT DOWN!
G & Shu: Fine.
[Filming Time! At Urethra's Castle...not!]
[Scaling the walls to Glyde's fortress]
D: Okay Trigger, JUMP NOW!
MM: Alrighty! [jumps into Appo and Dah's arm-trampoline]
[Trigger is catapulted high into the air...backwards. He lands face-first in the ground right beside the director. Appo and Dah are looking straight up]
A: He fly so high!
Dah: Ya! Dah not seeing him!
D: [slaps himself in the face] I guess Glyde was right, Trigger. They were retards. Trigger? [Trigger isn't responding.] Trigger? Are you alright? Trigger?!
[After 30 minutes of CPR...]
[Entering the room where Shu is being held captive]
[Take 1]
R: I'll bet Shu is in there! Why don't you check it out!
MM: Got it! [peeks through the balcony door] WHOA! WHAT THE FACK! [slams it shut]
D: CUT! What the hell's the matter? Are you scared of the Birdbots?
MM: No...I just saw them raping Shu.
D: SHITE! O_O
Birdbot: Yeah! Give me some sugah baby!
[Some programming later...]
[Take 2]
R: I'll bet Shu is in there! Why don't you check it out!
MM: Got it! [heads in]
D: Good take. Switch to inside camera.
[Inside Camera. Trigger kills off the BirdBots and Shu gets up and approaches Trigger.]
Shu: You saved me!
R: Great job, Trigger! Now you have to get her out of the fortress!
MM: I will...but first...[shoots the Inside Camera, shutting it down.]
Stage Guy 1: [hereafter SG1] We've just lost the Inside Camera.
D: Crap! I'll cut the scene. SG1, go inside and get that camera fixed.
SG1: Affirmative!
[SG1 climbs up to the balcony, enters the room and...well you figure out from here]
SG1: FACK! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!
MM: I wasn't doing anything!
Shu: Yeah! We were just...um...conversing!
SG1: But your clothes were ruffled...and your hair...and...EWWW! WHAT'S THAT DRIPPING OUT OF YOUR ARMOR!
MM: [guilty as charged] Alright. We'll admit it.
Shu: [ditto] Just don't tell anyone about it, okay?! Pleeeeeeze!
SG1: I won't if you won't. It's a good thing Tron or the Director didn't come here, otherwise we'd all be screwed!
Shu: Hey, something's moving near those boxes.
Data: [coming out and hiding his camera] Eeeek Eek!
MM, SG1 & Shu: O_O
[Three loud screams erupt from the room. They can be heard by the director outside.]
[One Hour Later...Before final Carlbania Shoot...at a coffee break]
SG1: So...umm.. Trigger...did you get rid of the tape?
MM: Yup. I got Data to give it to the director, and he sold it to someone.
SG1: It's not that Nova person again, right?
MM: Just some guy named Bud. Data told me it was for some site he was doing.
SG1: I hope that's the last of it. Because...
[Tron stomps in, red as a beet]
T: WHO WAS THAT BROAD YOU WERE F***ING, TRIGGER!
MM: Me? What broad?! You...you must be joking!
T: I'M NOT JOKING! SOMEBODY SHOWED ME THAT VIDEO YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT!
MM: What video?! You must be making things up!
SG1: I..uh...gotta go to the bathroom. [leaves]
T: I'LL LET YOU GO THIS TIME, BUT IF I FIND YOU WITH THAT BIOTCH SHU AGAIN...I'LL...I'll...
MM: What?! Spit it out already!
T: I'LL DUMP YOU FOR GLYDE!
[Glyde spits out his coffee]
G: Really?! You will?! Oh, please say you will!
MM: No! You can't!
[Final shoot...escaping the exploding fortress]
[Trigger and Shu escape the fortress but the big bang doesn't occur.]
D: Good take, but the big explosion didn't happen. What happened with the explosives? Can someone go check?!
SG1: I'll do it! [heads into the fortress]
MM: [to Appo and Dah] Hey kids...I'll give you 10000 zenny to go in there!
A: Zenni? Was dat?
MM: Let me put it this way. Do you want to be rich?
Dah: Ya! Ya!
A: Me wanna be rich, ha ha!
MM: Then go in there and look for a key that looks like this! [shows them one of the Glyde keys] If you bring it to me, you'll be rich!
Dah: Okey!
A: Let's go! Ha ha!
MM: [softly] Suckers.
[Appo and Dah head into the fortress. In the meantime, SG1 comes back.]
SG1: Looks like there's some sort of Radio-Controlled detonator attached to the big bomb.
D: Who's got the detonator?
MM: SAYONARA RETARDS! [Trigger's got the detonator. He activates it and the bomb explodes, incinerating the fortress and hurling Appo and Dah into the air.] WHO'S FLYING NOW! SWEET VENGEANCE IS MINE!
D: That's it. No more free Jell-O for you, Trigger.
MM: NOOOOOO!
[Suddenly...somebody appears near the director in a cloud of smoke]
Juno: Did somebody say Jell-O? ^___^
D: Fack.
[Just before leaving the island]
[At a presentation...]
D: Shu, on behalf of Bud...i mean...Capcom Foundation, we would like to award you and your...um...cousins these new educational materials to help them become smart people!
SG1: And we also got Trigger to pay for their medical expenses.
MM: I'm broke, thanks to you guys! Now I can't date Tron tonight!
G: [to Tron] I guess that leaves you dating me tonight, my pretty!
T: Ah well, he shouldn't have humped that poor chick...
Juno: Give me my Jell-O NOW!
D: You're not getting your Jell-O because you're not supposed to be in this movie! Now go away!
MM: [starting to cry] Why...why...
[Boarding the ship heading to the Ruminoa Set...Trigger and Shu are the only ones who haven't boarded yet.]
MM: I hope to see you soon, Shu. I promise.
Shu: Don't worry, you will. I just know you will! But what about your girlfriend?
MM: It's all taken care of, and I'll make sure it never happens again. Goodbye, my love.
Shu: I know it won't be our last goodbye...
[They kiss like in a romantic movie. Then...]
Shu: Is that...that monkey again? Why is he holding a camera?
[Trigger turns his head and spots Data with the camera]
MM: O_O
[End of Calbania Island Calamities, bring in the dancing lobsters!]
[Coming up next time...Rumble in Ruminoa, and a new episode of OFF THE SET!]
Juno: Can I have my Jell-O now?
Bud: NO. :-(
Juno: Damn!
MML2: SS&S is brought to you by McDildos. ;-)
Bud: Our next reel happens during the filming of the Carlbania Island battles. More of the things you like so much, plus a new controversy that will result in 'more action than you can shake your middle finger at!'
[filmed on location on the set in Basilan Island, Philippines]
[Cast meeting]
D: Welcome all to Carlbania Island!
MM: [sarcastic] Whoopee. I'm so happy.
R: Wait a minute? Why aren't we in Ruminoa?
D: Well, the mayor 'accidentally' pressed the self-destruct button WAY TOO EARLY and we're filming here to avoid any delays while they reconstruct the entire set from scratch. It's also because the producers don't think you deserve vacations the way you've been treating me during filming.
R: There goes my date with Teisel...
D: right...Let's meet the new cast members. Tron, you remember Glyde, don't you?
G: It's a pleasure to meet you Tron. My, you look beautiful today.
T: As if. Can't you say anything more original than that?
MM: Don't be trying to pull off any moves with my Tron, buddy.
G: I already have. Remember our little gig in the barn?
T: AAGH! DON'T REMIND ME!
MM: Stop torturing her!
G: And remember that time in the casino janitor's closet?
T: NOOOOOOO! THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING! X-O
MM: STOP IT OR I'LL DRILL A HOLE RIGHT THROUGH YOU!
D: ALL THREE OF YOU SHUT THE FACK UP!!!
[all goes silent]
D: Thank you.
D: I'd also like to introduce Shu...
Shu: Hi guys!
[Trigger stares at Shu. Her 'poor-person' clothes seem to make her look very sexy.]
MM: Whoa...those are big...
T: Trigger! What are you looking at?!
MM: Oops...sorry. I was just daydreaming...
T: You'd better be just daydreaming, OR ELSE!
D: ...and her...uh...cousins, Appo and Dah.
A: Hallo! Ha Ha!
Dah: Same heer! Ha Ha!
G: Oh great. We're working with retards.
[Appo and Dah start crying]
Shu: Stop making fun of them! They're not retarded, they're just mentally challenged!
G: What's the facking difference? [Shu gives Glyde a MONSTA bitch-slap] AAAGH! SWEET BEJEEZUS THAT HURT!
Shu: I told you not to make fun of my cousins!
D: AND I'M TELLING THE BOTH OF YOU TO STOP FIGHTING! NOW SIT DOWN!
G & Shu: Fine.
[Filming Time! At Urethra's Castle...not!]
[Scaling the walls to Glyde's fortress]
D: Okay Trigger, JUMP NOW!
MM: Alrighty! [jumps into Appo and Dah's arm-trampoline]
[Trigger is catapulted high into the air...backwards. He lands face-first in the ground right beside the director. Appo and Dah are looking straight up]
A: He fly so high!
Dah: Ya! Dah not seeing him!
D: [slaps himself in the face] I guess Glyde was right, Trigger. They were retards. Trigger? [Trigger isn't responding.] Trigger? Are you alright? Trigger?!
[After 30 minutes of CPR...]
[Entering the room where Shu is being held captive]
[Take 1]
R: I'll bet Shu is in there! Why don't you check it out!
MM: Got it! [peeks through the balcony door] WHOA! WHAT THE FACK! [slams it shut]
D: CUT! What the hell's the matter? Are you scared of the Birdbots?
MM: No...I just saw them raping Shu.
D: SHITE! O_O
Birdbot: Yeah! Give me some sugah baby!
[Some programming later...]
[Take 2]
R: I'll bet Shu is in there! Why don't you check it out!
MM: Got it! [heads in]
D: Good take. Switch to inside camera.
[Inside Camera. Trigger kills off the BirdBots and Shu gets up and approaches Trigger.]
Shu: You saved me!
R: Great job, Trigger! Now you have to get her out of the fortress!
MM: I will...but first...[shoots the Inside Camera, shutting it down.]
Stage Guy 1: [hereafter SG1] We've just lost the Inside Camera.
D: Crap! I'll cut the scene. SG1, go inside and get that camera fixed.
SG1: Affirmative!
[SG1 climbs up to the balcony, enters the room and...well you figure out from here]
SG1: FACK! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!
MM: I wasn't doing anything!
Shu: Yeah! We were just...um...conversing!
SG1: But your clothes were ruffled...and your hair...and...EWWW! WHAT'S THAT DRIPPING OUT OF YOUR ARMOR!
MM: [guilty as charged] Alright. We'll admit it.
Shu: [ditto] Just don't tell anyone about it, okay?! Pleeeeeeze!
SG1: I won't if you won't. It's a good thing Tron or the Director didn't come here, otherwise we'd all be screwed!
Shu: Hey, something's moving near those boxes.
Data: [coming out and hiding his camera] Eeeek Eek!
MM, SG1 & Shu: O_O
[Three loud screams erupt from the room. They can be heard by the director outside.]
[One Hour Later...Before final Carlbania Shoot...at a coffee break]
SG1: So...umm.. Trigger...did you get rid of the tape?
MM: Yup. I got Data to give it to the director, and he sold it to someone.
SG1: It's not that Nova person again, right?
MM: Just some guy named Bud. Data told me it was for some site he was doing.
SG1: I hope that's the last of it. Because...
[Tron stomps in, red as a beet]
T: WHO WAS THAT BROAD YOU WERE F***ING, TRIGGER!
MM: Me? What broad?! You...you must be joking!
T: I'M NOT JOKING! SOMEBODY SHOWED ME THAT VIDEO YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT!
MM: What video?! You must be making things up!
SG1: I..uh...gotta go to the bathroom. [leaves]
T: I'LL LET YOU GO THIS TIME, BUT IF I FIND YOU WITH THAT BIOTCH SHU AGAIN...I'LL...I'll...
MM: What?! Spit it out already!
T: I'LL DUMP YOU FOR GLYDE!
[Glyde spits out his coffee]
G: Really?! You will?! Oh, please say you will!
MM: No! You can't!
[Final shoot...escaping the exploding fortress]
[Trigger and Shu escape the fortress but the big bang doesn't occur.]
D: Good take, but the big explosion didn't happen. What happened with the explosives? Can someone go check?!
SG1: I'll do it! [heads into the fortress]
MM: [to Appo and Dah] Hey kids...I'll give you 10000 zenny to go in there!
A: Zenni? Was dat?
MM: Let me put it this way. Do you want to be rich?
Dah: Ya! Ya!
A: Me wanna be rich, ha ha!
MM: Then go in there and look for a key that looks like this! [shows them one of the Glyde keys] If you bring it to me, you'll be rich!
Dah: Okey!
A: Let's go! Ha ha!
MM: [softly] Suckers.
[Appo and Dah head into the fortress. In the meantime, SG1 comes back.]
SG1: Looks like there's some sort of Radio-Controlled detonator attached to the big bomb.
D: Who's got the detonator?
MM: SAYONARA RETARDS! [Trigger's got the detonator. He activates it and the bomb explodes, incinerating the fortress and hurling Appo and Dah into the air.] WHO'S FLYING NOW! SWEET VENGEANCE IS MINE!
D: That's it. No more free Jell-O for you, Trigger.
MM: NOOOOOO!
[Suddenly...somebody appears near the director in a cloud of smoke]
Juno: Did somebody say Jell-O? ^___^
D: Fack.
[Just before leaving the island]
[At a presentation...]
D: Shu, on behalf of Bud...i mean...Capcom Foundation, we would like to award you and your...um...cousins these new educational materials to help them become smart people!
SG1: And we also got Trigger to pay for their medical expenses.
MM: I'm broke, thanks to you guys! Now I can't date Tron tonight!
G: [to Tron] I guess that leaves you dating me tonight, my pretty!
T: Ah well, he shouldn't have humped that poor chick...
Juno: Give me my Jell-O NOW!
D: You're not getting your Jell-O because you're not supposed to be in this movie! Now go away!
MM: [starting to cry] Why...why...
[Boarding the ship heading to the Ruminoa Set...Trigger and Shu are the only ones who haven't boarded yet.]
MM: I hope to see you soon, Shu. I promise.
Shu: Don't worry, you will. I just know you will! But what about your girlfriend?
MM: It's all taken care of, and I'll make sure it never happens again. Goodbye, my love.
Shu: I know it won't be our last goodbye...
[They kiss like in a romantic movie. Then...]
Shu: Is that...that monkey again? Why is he holding a camera?
[Trigger turns his head and spots Data with the camera]
MM: O_O
[End of Calbania Island Calamities, bring in the dancing lobsters!]
[Coming up next time...Rumble in Ruminoa, and a new episode of OFF THE SET!]
Juno: Can I have my Jell-O now?
Bud: NO. :-(
Juno: Damn!
MML2: SS&S is brought to you by McDildos. ;-)