INSANITY AT SAUL KADA
Bud: Expect things to get reeeeeally hot in this next sizzling chapter!
More controversy! More shameless movie plugs! More on the war on Terror! And new shite your parents would kill to shield your precious eyes from! As well as an all-too-familiar guest character playing that guy who sells stuff to bad people!
NOTE: THIS EPISODE HAPPENS AFTER THE DANCE-FLOOR SCENE IN MY OFF THE SET! FIC, SO NOW TRON IS IN LOVE WITH STAGE GUY 1. SEE EPISODE 2, PART 1 FOR DETAILS.
[filmed on location inside and outside Mazar-e-sharif, Afghanistan]
[Preliminary Cast Meeting]
D: All right, everybody. I'd like to get a few things straight before we get filming today. Trigger, your 'johnson' isn't one of those things, got it?!
MM: GODDAMMIT! 8(
D: Anyway...although we've been granted access to film here, security is still a high concern, Taliban or no Taliban. THAT MEANS CAVITY SEARCHES ON THE SMALLEST SUSPICION,
R: Damn! Now I can't sneak in any more condoms! XO
D: GUARDS SEARCHING EVERY NOOK AND CRANNY OF THE SET EVERY HALF HOUR BETWEEN FILMING,
T: There goes my closet time...
D: AND OF COURSE, ANY PERSON CAUGHT *SABOTAGING* THE EQUIPMENT WILL BE LASHED 100 TIMES. [cracks a leather whip he bought from a local marketplace]
T: Can I borrow that whip? Cuz the Stage Guy's been a very naughty boy...
D: NO. :(
[Stage guy 1 blushes]
[Preparing for the town shots, something weird happens]
OBL: [hiding behind the fountain] Psst...Kid!
MM: Me?
OBL: Yes...you! DarkBoy!
MM: Me? Dark? No way! You gotta be kidding!
OBL: Just get over here, dammit!
[MegaMan sees the evil merchant dude hiding behind the fountain.]
MM: Whoa! Who are you!
OBL: Who I am is not your business! I am just an innocent merchant trying to make a decent living!
MM: Right... What do you sell? :-/
OBL: This! [shows the Ground Buster to Trigger]
MM: 8O Oh my God! That's my dream weapon! Where did you get that!
OBL: From a Russian friend of mine. I'll give it to you if you can trade me something just as valuable!
MM: Hmmm...[ruffles through his backpack] Dammit! Nothing in here!
OBL: Well then, no valuables, no weapons! [puts away the Ground buster]
MM: Wait a minute, I think I know what to get!
OBL: Take your time, my friend! I'll be here when you get what you need! ;)
[Suddenly, in comes our old friend Stage Guy 1]
SG1: Hey, Trigger! Who are you talking to?
MM: Just some merchant who...[turns his head to find the merchant has disappeared]...whoa...where'd he go?
SG1: Trigger, I think all those painkillers you've been taking have finally gone to your head. We'd better get you to filming.
[Fighting Teisel's 'snake']
D: [through Megaphone] All right, Trigger! You'll be fighting that giant snake. It will use the town's gold 'Buddha' for its shield, so try not to hit it. The statue is PRICELESS!
MM: Don't you have any back-up statues?!
D: We would have had backups but the Taliban destroyed them long before we got here. Enough talk, let's get it on!
[The 'snake' begins to shoot out assorted foodstuffs while MegaMan aims carefully, leaping over those ServBot 'anal drills'. Don't ask me why we call them that or I'll cap you bitch.]
MM: I can't hit that thing! I guess I have no choice!
R: [through radio] Don't do it! Do you realize how much that thing costs?!
[Trigger fires a barrage of weaponry at the statue, vaporising it.]
D & Teisel: NOOOOOOOOOOOO! THE STATUE!
Teisel: That tears it! You've meddled in our affairs way too much! Now, you're gonna pay!
D: [mumbling to himself] Oh you're gonna pay. You're really gonna pay.
[The snake-bot launches itself in the air. Trigger points up at it. Free Willy, Damnit!]
[2 minutes later, after a fierce gunbattle]
Teisel: Oh my God! I can't control this thing!
[The snake-bot is wriggling madly]
MM: I gotta get out of here!
Servbot A: The oil valves are rupturing! Look's like we're losing mobility!
[Oil is spurting out of the front of the twiching snake]
SG1: AHHH! I'm gonna have nightmares for weeks!
D: Not so loud, man! Now I'm gonna have to cut that!
[The snake suddenly goes stiff, then collapses like a pillar to the ground. On top of Trigger. Oil is still streaming out the front.]
SG1: O.O Crikey! He lost his mojo!
[Tron gasps]
D: CUT DAMMIT! I WILL HAVE NO MORE SEXUAL REFERENCES IN MY FILM!
SG1: I guess you will sir...I think that's Data over there by the camera.
D: OH SHIT.
Data: Eeek Eeek! (translation: I'm gonna be rich!)
[Teisel climbs out, anime-charred]
Teisel: [struggling to speak] At least I smashed that blue guy! Real good, too!
R: [through snake-bot's radio] You go, Teisel!
[4 weeks later, after painful bone reconstruction in a nearby US Army Field Hospital]
[Inside the Saul Kada Dungeon]
D: Okay Trigger, now just step on this switch here.
MM: [whining] But that's the Life-Sucker! I'll be all wrinkly!
D: JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP AND STEP IN THERE!
MM: Awww...fine...
[Trigger steps into the life-sucker and is getting sucked. There just ain't no other way to describe it.]
MM: [life gauge blinking RED] Can't...hold...on...much...longer!
D: [through MegaPhone] Just a few more seconds!
SG1: [taunting] Yeah! And a guy from another show is offering you 5 million zenny to go another minute!
MM: 5...million...good...enough!
D: Wait a minute. Did you meet with the guy from Fear Factor?
SG1: No, I'd just wanted to see if he could survive another minute in there.
D: YOU DID WHAT!?
T: That's my Stage Guy, the humorist! ^_^
D: Get him outta there! I don't want anymore sudden injuries while filming! The insurance premiums are high enough as they are!
[Two Stunt Monitors wedge open the Life-Sucker and let Trigger out. Trigger falls to his knees.]
D: Are you all right, Trigger!?
MM: I'll be fine...I just need a little water...and...[looking down at something] CRIKEY! Now I'VE lost my mojo!
[Director Gasps]
SG1, T, and Teisel: YES! WOO HOO!
[Coffee break just before meeting the Gustaff and Bon at the lava-flow]
D: Now why the hell did the producers call it the Giant Zit?!
SG1: I don't know. I guess it's because all sort of icky stuff flows out of it.
[Trigger enters]
MM: Hey guys! [glaring at SG1] Oh, hi Stage Dude.
SG1: Look, Trigger, I wanna tell you something.
MM: [glaring] What, Tron too hot for you?
SG1: Well, um...yeah. But that's beside the point. The point is, she...um...
MM: How could you do take her away at the bar?!
SG1: I was just trying to save her. You looked like you were going to molest her.
MM: AND IS THAT A BAD THING!? HUH?! IS IT!?
SG1: Well, yes. But seriously, I wanna say that...well, I'm sick of her. During our sessions, she always talks about how Trigger did a rim-job like this, and how trigger always used to raise my legs like that, it just takes all the fun out of it.
MM: SO? What's your point!?
SG1: The point is I want you to have Tron back. Sorry about what happened at the bar. I want you to have this.
[You got: MOJO!]
MM: Is this my Mojo?!
SG1: Yeah. I drained it out of the life-sucker. I figured you needed it more.
[silence]
MM: THANK YOU! ALL IS FORGIVEN! [embraces SG1 like a long-lost friend]
SG1: Really?
MM: YES! REALLY!
SG1: Okay okay. It's forgiven. Now get off me before someone thinks we're...
R: [interrupting] EWWWWWWWWWWW! YAOI!
MM: [getting off SG1] Wait! It's not what you think!
R: [screaming] I'M GONNA TELL TRON THAT YOU'RE FAG SICKOS! XO
SG1: [bulging vein] Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
MM: [same here] Am I!
[SG1 and Trigger draw out a rope and gag, respectively.]
R: Wait! What are you doing! NOOOOOOOOOOO! XO
[In 5 minutes, Roll is bound and gagged, screaming for her life as she's being sucked by the life-sucker in the dungeon. SG1 and Trigger are right beside it, grinning.]
SG1: Well, that was fun. Now what?
MM: I think we should both apologise.
SG1: I guess. You first though.
MM: Sure. Hey, you think maybe we can share Tron?
SG1: HELL FUCKING YEAH! GROUP SEX ROCKS!
MM: YEAH! LET'S DO IT!
R: mmmmmmmmrph! mmmf!
Bud: Let's skip the mushy apologising scenes to Tron and get to the first meeting with the Gustaff.
[Take 1]
R: Should we help them?
T: Yeah! If you help us, then we'll let you have half the treasure!
MM: I'll help you, and you can keep your treasure! All I want is some intimate time alone with you!
D: SAY WHAT!? NEW TAKE!
Bon: (first line!!!) Babuuuuuu... -_-
[Take 2]
R: Should we help them?
T: Yeah! If you help us, then I'll let you make out with me!
D: CUT THE SCENE! I AM ON THE VERGE OF USING THE WHIP!
SG1: Me first! Tron's been a VERY naughty girl...(LASH) OW! WATCH THAT!
Bon: Babuu babuu! X)
Bud: Now for the really good stuff.
[After fighting the Gustaff 2nd time]
Servbot A: Umm...miss Tron, it looks like your clothes got ripped off in the explosion...
Servbot B: Actually, you're clothes are gone.
T: WHAT?! AAGH! TRIGGER, WHAT ARE YOU STARING AT?!
D: [mumbling] Good, good. Just make sure you don't turn the camera to Tron.
[Trigger is smiling.]
MM: I guess I have to use my Health canteen now...[his health canteen is filled with the mojo]
[Suddenly...that music starts playing. Trigger looks at Tron in a really...um...intimate manner.]
T: Trigger? What are you doing?
D: Hey! He wasn't supposed to go near her! Cut the scene!
Cameraman: I can't! The camera's locked in Play!
SG1: Does anybody feel it getting hotter?
[Trigger walks toward Tron, stopping a few steps short. He takes out his medicine bottle]
MM: One for me...[drinks from bottle]...and one for my homies...[pours out the contents]
D: Oh no. Now I'm gonna be sued again.
MM: Don't worry, Director, this won't get weird.
[Tron grabs Trigger and within seconds she is on top of him.]
Tron: Let's get it on.
D, Teisel, Servbots: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
[Lava oozes out the entrance to the key caves.]
Bon: [Watching from doorway to key room] Babuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu...E-)
[Fighting Bon]
[Bon sinks into the lava]
MM: Hey Roll, you think he'll be okay?
R: Don't worry about him. All that matters is the key.
MM: Got it! [grabs the key]
[You got the Third Key!]
D: Good take! Now let's lift Bon out of there before he drowns.
SG1: We can't sir. The safety ropes were cut and burned by the lava.
D: Impossible! Those ropes couldn't even be cut by real lava!
[NOTE: The director ordered glowing orange Jell-O to use as Lava for safety purposes.]
SG1: Director, that WAS real lava.
D: What do you mean?! What about that Jell-O I ordered to use as lava?
SG1: The shipment...um...never arrived. We created a lava flow from a nearby mountain to make up for it.
D: Damn! I guess we can only wait until the lava hardens and hope Bon doesn't melt by then. [looking at the lava flow]
SG1: Yep.
D: You know what, I'm sick of working with these people. When's the earliest I can get outta here?
[Back in the BMP Studio]
[Juno is swimming in the Jell-O the Director ordered.]
J: I'M IN HEAVEN!
Bud: HEY! WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO MY FUCKING JACUZZI!?
[End of Reel 5! Watch out for the final reel, Calinca Chaos Reel 2, coming after Spring Break 2002!]
[Also watch Austin Powers III: Goldmember in theaters real soon! Yeah Baby!]
Bud: Expect things to get reeeeeally hot in this next sizzling chapter!
More controversy! More shameless movie plugs! More on the war on Terror! And new shite your parents would kill to shield your precious eyes from! As well as an all-too-familiar guest character playing that guy who sells stuff to bad people!
NOTE: THIS EPISODE HAPPENS AFTER THE DANCE-FLOOR SCENE IN MY OFF THE SET! FIC, SO NOW TRON IS IN LOVE WITH STAGE GUY 1. SEE EPISODE 2, PART 1 FOR DETAILS.
[filmed on location inside and outside Mazar-e-sharif, Afghanistan]
[Preliminary Cast Meeting]
D: All right, everybody. I'd like to get a few things straight before we get filming today. Trigger, your 'johnson' isn't one of those things, got it?!
MM: GODDAMMIT! 8(
D: Anyway...although we've been granted access to film here, security is still a high concern, Taliban or no Taliban. THAT MEANS CAVITY SEARCHES ON THE SMALLEST SUSPICION,
R: Damn! Now I can't sneak in any more condoms! XO
D: GUARDS SEARCHING EVERY NOOK AND CRANNY OF THE SET EVERY HALF HOUR BETWEEN FILMING,
T: There goes my closet time...
D: AND OF COURSE, ANY PERSON CAUGHT *SABOTAGING* THE EQUIPMENT WILL BE LASHED 100 TIMES. [cracks a leather whip he bought from a local marketplace]
T: Can I borrow that whip? Cuz the Stage Guy's been a very naughty boy...
D: NO. :(
[Stage guy 1 blushes]
[Preparing for the town shots, something weird happens]
OBL: [hiding behind the fountain] Psst...Kid!
MM: Me?
OBL: Yes...you! DarkBoy!
MM: Me? Dark? No way! You gotta be kidding!
OBL: Just get over here, dammit!
[MegaMan sees the evil merchant dude hiding behind the fountain.]
MM: Whoa! Who are you!
OBL: Who I am is not your business! I am just an innocent merchant trying to make a decent living!
MM: Right... What do you sell? :-/
OBL: This! [shows the Ground Buster to Trigger]
MM: 8O Oh my God! That's my dream weapon! Where did you get that!
OBL: From a Russian friend of mine. I'll give it to you if you can trade me something just as valuable!
MM: Hmmm...[ruffles through his backpack] Dammit! Nothing in here!
OBL: Well then, no valuables, no weapons! [puts away the Ground buster]
MM: Wait a minute, I think I know what to get!
OBL: Take your time, my friend! I'll be here when you get what you need! ;)
[Suddenly, in comes our old friend Stage Guy 1]
SG1: Hey, Trigger! Who are you talking to?
MM: Just some merchant who...[turns his head to find the merchant has disappeared]...whoa...where'd he go?
SG1: Trigger, I think all those painkillers you've been taking have finally gone to your head. We'd better get you to filming.
[Fighting Teisel's 'snake']
D: [through Megaphone] All right, Trigger! You'll be fighting that giant snake. It will use the town's gold 'Buddha' for its shield, so try not to hit it. The statue is PRICELESS!
MM: Don't you have any back-up statues?!
D: We would have had backups but the Taliban destroyed them long before we got here. Enough talk, let's get it on!
[The 'snake' begins to shoot out assorted foodstuffs while MegaMan aims carefully, leaping over those ServBot 'anal drills'. Don't ask me why we call them that or I'll cap you bitch.]
MM: I can't hit that thing! I guess I have no choice!
R: [through radio] Don't do it! Do you realize how much that thing costs?!
[Trigger fires a barrage of weaponry at the statue, vaporising it.]
D & Teisel: NOOOOOOOOOOOO! THE STATUE!
Teisel: That tears it! You've meddled in our affairs way too much! Now, you're gonna pay!
D: [mumbling to himself] Oh you're gonna pay. You're really gonna pay.
[The snake-bot launches itself in the air. Trigger points up at it. Free Willy, Damnit!]
[2 minutes later, after a fierce gunbattle]
Teisel: Oh my God! I can't control this thing!
[The snake-bot is wriggling madly]
MM: I gotta get out of here!
Servbot A: The oil valves are rupturing! Look's like we're losing mobility!
[Oil is spurting out of the front of the twiching snake]
SG1: AHHH! I'm gonna have nightmares for weeks!
D: Not so loud, man! Now I'm gonna have to cut that!
[The snake suddenly goes stiff, then collapses like a pillar to the ground. On top of Trigger. Oil is still streaming out the front.]
SG1: O.O Crikey! He lost his mojo!
[Tron gasps]
D: CUT DAMMIT! I WILL HAVE NO MORE SEXUAL REFERENCES IN MY FILM!
SG1: I guess you will sir...I think that's Data over there by the camera.
D: OH SHIT.
Data: Eeek Eeek! (translation: I'm gonna be rich!)
[Teisel climbs out, anime-charred]
Teisel: [struggling to speak] At least I smashed that blue guy! Real good, too!
R: [through snake-bot's radio] You go, Teisel!
[4 weeks later, after painful bone reconstruction in a nearby US Army Field Hospital]
[Inside the Saul Kada Dungeon]
D: Okay Trigger, now just step on this switch here.
MM: [whining] But that's the Life-Sucker! I'll be all wrinkly!
D: JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP AND STEP IN THERE!
MM: Awww...fine...
[Trigger steps into the life-sucker and is getting sucked. There just ain't no other way to describe it.]
MM: [life gauge blinking RED] Can't...hold...on...much...longer!
D: [through MegaPhone] Just a few more seconds!
SG1: [taunting] Yeah! And a guy from another show is offering you 5 million zenny to go another minute!
MM: 5...million...good...enough!
D: Wait a minute. Did you meet with the guy from Fear Factor?
SG1: No, I'd just wanted to see if he could survive another minute in there.
D: YOU DID WHAT!?
T: That's my Stage Guy, the humorist! ^_^
D: Get him outta there! I don't want anymore sudden injuries while filming! The insurance premiums are high enough as they are!
[Two Stunt Monitors wedge open the Life-Sucker and let Trigger out. Trigger falls to his knees.]
D: Are you all right, Trigger!?
MM: I'll be fine...I just need a little water...and...[looking down at something] CRIKEY! Now I'VE lost my mojo!
[Director Gasps]
SG1, T, and Teisel: YES! WOO HOO!
[Coffee break just before meeting the Gustaff and Bon at the lava-flow]
D: Now why the hell did the producers call it the Giant Zit?!
SG1: I don't know. I guess it's because all sort of icky stuff flows out of it.
[Trigger enters]
MM: Hey guys! [glaring at SG1] Oh, hi Stage Dude.
SG1: Look, Trigger, I wanna tell you something.
MM: [glaring] What, Tron too hot for you?
SG1: Well, um...yeah. But that's beside the point. The point is, she...um...
MM: How could you do take her away at the bar?!
SG1: I was just trying to save her. You looked like you were going to molest her.
MM: AND IS THAT A BAD THING!? HUH?! IS IT!?
SG1: Well, yes. But seriously, I wanna say that...well, I'm sick of her. During our sessions, she always talks about how Trigger did a rim-job like this, and how trigger always used to raise my legs like that, it just takes all the fun out of it.
MM: SO? What's your point!?
SG1: The point is I want you to have Tron back. Sorry about what happened at the bar. I want you to have this.
[You got: MOJO!]
MM: Is this my Mojo?!
SG1: Yeah. I drained it out of the life-sucker. I figured you needed it more.
[silence]
MM: THANK YOU! ALL IS FORGIVEN! [embraces SG1 like a long-lost friend]
SG1: Really?
MM: YES! REALLY!
SG1: Okay okay. It's forgiven. Now get off me before someone thinks we're...
R: [interrupting] EWWWWWWWWWWW! YAOI!
MM: [getting off SG1] Wait! It's not what you think!
R: [screaming] I'M GONNA TELL TRON THAT YOU'RE FAG SICKOS! XO
SG1: [bulging vein] Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
MM: [same here] Am I!
[SG1 and Trigger draw out a rope and gag, respectively.]
R: Wait! What are you doing! NOOOOOOOOOOO! XO
[In 5 minutes, Roll is bound and gagged, screaming for her life as she's being sucked by the life-sucker in the dungeon. SG1 and Trigger are right beside it, grinning.]
SG1: Well, that was fun. Now what?
MM: I think we should both apologise.
SG1: I guess. You first though.
MM: Sure. Hey, you think maybe we can share Tron?
SG1: HELL FUCKING YEAH! GROUP SEX ROCKS!
MM: YEAH! LET'S DO IT!
R: mmmmmmmmrph! mmmf!
Bud: Let's skip the mushy apologising scenes to Tron and get to the first meeting with the Gustaff.
[Take 1]
R: Should we help them?
T: Yeah! If you help us, then we'll let you have half the treasure!
MM: I'll help you, and you can keep your treasure! All I want is some intimate time alone with you!
D: SAY WHAT!? NEW TAKE!
Bon: (first line!!!) Babuuuuuu... -_-
[Take 2]
R: Should we help them?
T: Yeah! If you help us, then I'll let you make out with me!
D: CUT THE SCENE! I AM ON THE VERGE OF USING THE WHIP!
SG1: Me first! Tron's been a VERY naughty girl...(LASH) OW! WATCH THAT!
Bon: Babuu babuu! X)
Bud: Now for the really good stuff.
[After fighting the Gustaff 2nd time]
Servbot A: Umm...miss Tron, it looks like your clothes got ripped off in the explosion...
Servbot B: Actually, you're clothes are gone.
T: WHAT?! AAGH! TRIGGER, WHAT ARE YOU STARING AT?!
D: [mumbling] Good, good. Just make sure you don't turn the camera to Tron.
[Trigger is smiling.]
MM: I guess I have to use my Health canteen now...[his health canteen is filled with the mojo]
[Suddenly...that music starts playing. Trigger looks at Tron in a really...um...intimate manner.]
T: Trigger? What are you doing?
D: Hey! He wasn't supposed to go near her! Cut the scene!
Cameraman: I can't! The camera's locked in Play!
SG1: Does anybody feel it getting hotter?
[Trigger walks toward Tron, stopping a few steps short. He takes out his medicine bottle]
MM: One for me...[drinks from bottle]...and one for my homies...[pours out the contents]
D: Oh no. Now I'm gonna be sued again.
MM: Don't worry, Director, this won't get weird.
[Tron grabs Trigger and within seconds she is on top of him.]
Tron: Let's get it on.
D, Teisel, Servbots: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
[Lava oozes out the entrance to the key caves.]
Bon: [Watching from doorway to key room] Babuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu...E-)
[Fighting Bon]
[Bon sinks into the lava]
MM: Hey Roll, you think he'll be okay?
R: Don't worry about him. All that matters is the key.
MM: Got it! [grabs the key]
[You got the Third Key!]
D: Good take! Now let's lift Bon out of there before he drowns.
SG1: We can't sir. The safety ropes were cut and burned by the lava.
D: Impossible! Those ropes couldn't even be cut by real lava!
[NOTE: The director ordered glowing orange Jell-O to use as Lava for safety purposes.]
SG1: Director, that WAS real lava.
D: What do you mean?! What about that Jell-O I ordered to use as lava?
SG1: The shipment...um...never arrived. We created a lava flow from a nearby mountain to make up for it.
D: Damn! I guess we can only wait until the lava hardens and hope Bon doesn't melt by then. [looking at the lava flow]
SG1: Yep.
D: You know what, I'm sick of working with these people. When's the earliest I can get outta here?
[Back in the BMP Studio]
[Juno is swimming in the Jell-O the Director ordered.]
J: I'M IN HEAVEN!
Bud: HEY! WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO MY FUCKING JACUZZI!?
[End of Reel 5! Watch out for the final reel, Calinca Chaos Reel 2, coming after Spring Break 2002!]
[Also watch Austin Powers III: Goldmember in theaters real soon! Yeah Baby!]