"Farmer Maggot had a farm, E-I-E-I-O!" sang Pippin cheerfully as the Fellowship left their leafy camp and headed West.
"And on that farm he had a carrot, E-I-E-I-O!" Merry joined in.
Pippin stopped, and stared at him.
"How the hell am I supposed to make the sound of a carrot?" he asked his cousin in annoyance.
Merry pouted a bit, thought, then amended: "And on that farm he had a mushroom, E-I-E-I-O."
"Idiot of a Brandybuck, with less brains than a fish has legs!" Pippin muttered.
Merry looked hurt. "Well, Farmer Maggot never had anything on his farm but carrots and mushrooms. How can I sing about ducks and pigs and cows if the Farmer never had 'em?"
"Fine," retorted Pippin. "You can start first, then!"
"Farmer Maggot had a farm, E-I-E-I-O," sang Merry.
"And on that farm he had a carrot, E-I-E-I-O!" Pippin continued, looking smugly at his cousin from the corner of his eye.
"With a…with a…." Merry scratched his head, looking puzzled. "Oh."
"Exactly. Oh," said Pippin, sounding very satisfied.
Legolas grit his teeth, and tried to ignore them.
He wasn't exactly in the mood for singing that day.
His gaze shifted to Boromir, who had taken over the map since Aragorn had disappeared. The human was trying very hard to decipher the map, but Legolas doubted he would get far, as he was holding it the wrong way up.
"According to the map," Boromir said, frowning hard at it and sticking his tongue from the corner of his mouth, "the village of Spot should be….there." He pointed a finger straight at the bemused Legolas.
The hobbits sniggered.
Legolas rolled his eyes.
"Who decided Boromir would be our leader, anyway, if ever Aragorn was gone?" he asked.
The Fellowship shrugged in unison. "Eeny-meenie-miny-mo."
"Come, friends!" said Boromir, tucking the map away again. "This way!"
"We're meant to be heading West!" said Legolas, to the incredibly dense human. "West!" He stood facing Boromir, and pointed to his own left. See? The sun's on the east, because it's morning, so we should be heading to the right!"
Boromir looked at where Legolas pointed, and shook his head. "Nuh. We are heading right! See?" He waved his own right hand, which was of course, to Legolas' left.
"That's the wrong right!" shouted Legolas, completely exasperated.
"Nuh," said Boromir again, although he did look confused about the wrong right. "We're going the right right, because it's my right, and I'm the one holding the map, see?" He showed Legolas the crumpled parchment.
"But-" Legolas began to explain, then saw the light through Boromir's ears, and gave up.
The Fellowship headed right. Boromir's right.
Soon, they reached a sandy expanse, dotted with rocks and the occasional scorpion or green tuft of plant.
"Doesn't look much like a forest to me," said Frodo doubtfully. "I thought Aragorn was meeting us at the other side of the Lost Woods?"
"Course it looks like a forest!" said Boromir heartily. "Trees are still growing, that's all."
Legolas eyed the spiny cacti and prickly lichen glued fast to the rocks. The little scorpions grinned at him, waving bright red claws in the air.
"Elves first!" Boromir continued.
"What?!" protested Legolas.
"Lead the way!" said Boromir. "You're an Elf. Elves are at home in forests. You can lead us out to the other side."
Legolas glared at Boromir, but the warrior beamed at him with sincerity.
The Elf sighed.
But he could hardly complain about Boromir leading, if he himself refused to.
He took a step forward. And another. The hot sands shifted uneasily under his feet.
The Fellowship stood and watched.
Sand trickled into his boots, and Legolas received the strange impression that he was shrinking.
He tried to lift his foot up to take another step, then realised he was firmly stuck.
"This is quicksand!" he yelped, struggling hard to free himself.
"Oh, you'll be fine!" Boromir said. "Elves are light on their feet. They don't even sink in snow."
"This is not snow!" screamed Legolas, getting sucked in deeper and deeper as the Fellowship looked on curiously. "I said, this is quicksand!"
Boromir looked at the others. "What exactly is this quicksand?"
They shrugged back.
"Never seen it before," said Sam.
"We don't have it in the Shire," explained Frodo.
"Or in caves," Gimli added.
"Well, what is it?" Boromir asked Legolas, who was now up to his chest in the sand.
"I don't know what it is!" snapped Legolas. "But are you going to just stand there and watch me sink?"
The Fellowship frowned.
"It looks kind of dangerous," said Pippin.
"Will we sink if we walk on it, too?" asked Merry.
"I don't know, but I don't think we can just let Legolas sink," answered Frodo.
"Well, do you want to go in?" Gimli asked him.
Frodo eyed the sinking Elf.
"Someone has to," he said, finally.
"I know!" said Sam. "Eeny-meenie-miny-mo!"
"Good idea!" agreed Boromir, who had been very happy with the last result. "Eeny-meenie-miny-mo, catch a tiger by his toe. If he squeals, let him go, eeny-meenie-miny-mo!"
Everyone stared at Sam. He gulped.
"It should have started on Frodo, not Boromir! You have to start with the person at the start of the line!" he protested.
The rest of the Fellowship shook their heads. None of them wanted the result changed. "Nope, Boromir starts because he was the one saying the rhyme!"
Sam muttered something about cheating under his breath as he went to find his rope.
"I'm coming, Legolas!" he called sullenly.
There was no answer.
Where there had been a tangled blond head moments before now stretched mile after mile of glittering yellow sand.