"Hiding in the Shadows of the Moon"
-Part 2-
Two weeks went by, and the cat was even further out of the bag. Her personal life was all of a sudden an open book for everyone to read. Strangely enough, people didn't react the way she expected them to. Yeah, some of them did come forward to say they were sorry, as if Dominic had died or was mentally ill. The nurses encouraged her to bring the boy more often so they could watch him over. The mothers thought it would be great to go on play dates, and the rest didn't seem to have noticed she was still alive.
She stood in front of her locker, taping a picture of her and Dominic taken a year before at the zoo. He was actually smiling at the camera. If she stared at the picture long enough, she could almost see the real Dominic, out in the world, no longer trapped in his invisible cage. How many times had she had the same dream, where Dominic comes into her room, talking to her, no longer confined? When it came down it was just that, a dream. shudder
Shaking those thoughts out of her mind, she put her stethoscope around her neck and made her way out. It was still incredibly hot outside, which meant most of the patients were brought in due to heat strokes or dehydration.
Miraculously enough, the event of the previous two weeks had kept Richard away for a while. On his only phone call he agreed that Dominic needed some help, more intense behavioral therapy, and promised he would try to be there more often. It was the first time Abby had heard him admit Dominic was autistic. Most of the time he would ignore the word, ignore the fact that his son was not an average five year old, and pretend he couldn't hear Abby when she tried to talk to him about it. The things that had to happen for some people to open their eyes.
Having forgotten her lunch at home, she made her way into the cafeteria, watching as what seemed like millions of white lab coats walk all around as if someone had stepped on an ant hill. She picked up a sandwich and a bottle of water and looked around. All the tables were occupied, so she decided to go back to the ER.
"Abby!"
She turned around to see Luka waving her over, pulling a chair out. She smiled as she walked towards him and when she finally made it she said sarcastically, "Oh, no, I was looking forward to eating in the bathroom again."
"What?" Luka shook his head.
"It's a joke," she chuckled. "What are you reading?"
"Just some journals," he said as he put them away, reaching for his Coke.
Abby just nodded as she unwrapped her sandwich. Luka had been just about the only person who had naturally taken the fact that she had a son. Everyone else either tried too hard not to care, or they cared way too much. Not to mention the fact that he had been able to find Dominic before God knows what sick mind out there would have taken her boy and done something to him. She knew she'd have to pay him back someday, but she really didn't know how.
Luka was an enigma. As friendly as he was, people felt scared about asking him about his past. Why? She had no idea. Gossip still traveled around about him and Carol, and although he seemed perfectly fine to her, some nurses still talked about how the nurse had broken his heart in million pieces to be reunited with her long lost love somewhere on the west coast. Maybe they were scared of Luka, but not Abby. He had been nothing but nice to her since the moment she came into the ER. He always noticed when she was tired, which was practically every day, and sometimes even let her take a nap when one of the rooms was available and Weaver was not around. Under the circumstances, sometimes she felt as if he felt sorry for her. But something about his demeanor... she really didn't know how to put it, really. He had kind eyes.
"Is that what you do for fun?" Abby asked, taking a bite off her sandwich.
"Yes, mostly," Luka replied.
"You're a wild man," Abby said sarcastically.
Luka chuckled, swiping away with his hand a couple of crumbs on the table. "Well, it's hard when you work so many hours a week."
"Yeah, I know," Abby said as she took a sip of water.
He stared at her for a while as she picked up little pieces of tomato and put them away on a napkin. He shifted on his seat, looking around the room. There was a window open and the way Abby nitpick on her sandwich made him smile. What was even weirder than her eating habits was the fact that she was actually sitting on the same table as him, talking and eating. He was so tired of being alone, of having no friends, no one to talk to. Sometimes he'd try to make conversation with other people but it seemed like he was built over an Indian burial ground. People were always in their own world too. Making friends at work was nearly impossible. But since Carol had left, he had found himself talking to Abby more and more. She always said good morning, and not because she was a nurse and he was a doctor and she had to. He could tell she always said hello because she felt like it. He really enjoyed her company, her smile. He tried no to think about it much, because the more he did, the more he found himself wishing he could see that smile more often. He didn't know why they seemed to be on the same level. She looked even more lonely than he felt.
She let out a sigh of protest and he directed his attention towards her again.
"Hospital food," she complained, covering her sandwich with the same plastic wrapping and pushing it away.
"It's better than nothing," Luka said.
"Define nothing," Abby replied. She stuck her tongue out in disgust and took a big gulp of water.
"It's not that bad," Luka chuckled.
"I think it's cat," Abby continued.
"It's not cat," Luka said, reaching for the sandwich.
"Why do you think there's never any stray cats around the hospital? Because the cooks go out, hunt them down, cook them, and then they put them in the sandwiches," Abby claimed, washing her mouth with water again. "They're on those mini pizzas too."
"Why would they do that?" he asked, putting the sandwich away.
"Because it's free," Abby replied.
"How do you know it's cat? Have you ever had cat?" Luka asked.
Abby inched closer, as if she was telling him a big secret. "You know Martha the RN in pediatrics?"
"No," Luka replied.
"You know, Martha, blonde, overweight, always chewing gum?"
"No," Luka repeated.
Abby just shook her head. "Anyway, she bought a sandwich once. Someone made a joke and we all started laughing, but she started chocking. One of the doctors came over and did the Heimlich Maneuver on her, and then after a while she finally spit what she was chocking on. Do you know what it was?"
"What?" Luka asked, seriously intrigued.
Abby whispered. "A hairball."
Luka flinched his face. "Really?"
Abby couldn't take it any longer and began to laugh. "Psyched."
"You are going to hell." Luka shook his head with a smile, taking a sip of his Coke.
"You were believing it," Abby smiled.
"I knew you were lying," Luka said, gathering his journals.
Abby stood up as well to follow him back. "Yeah, you should have seen your face."
"I'm a good actor," Luka argued. "Besides, cat doesn't taste like that."
Abby stopped, her face turned serious, almost disgusted.
Luka laughed, "Psyched."
~*~
There was a drunk man sitting in chairs, singing to himself. She didn't remember him as a patient, and he didn't seem to be anyone's relative. Abby stared at him as he sloppily tried to keep his balance, even though he was sitting down. There was something melancholic about him, a disguised nostalgia she could recognize easily. He seemed lost, and not literally.
She had been off the clock for a couple of minutes, but for some reason couldn't take her eyes off this guy. "Hey, Dave," she asked the doctor, who was busy surfing through the internet and feeding off a value pack of Twinkies.
"Yeah?" he said with his mouth full.
"Who is this guy?"
Dave looked up for a second, and then returned to his task. "He's just waiting for his wife to pick him up."
"Is he a patient?" she asked.
"Ah, kind of, they found him passed out in the sidewalk two blocks from here," he finished, throwing the empty little carton on the trash.
Abby stared at the guy one more time as she walked into the lounge, where Chuny, Mark, and Luka were getting ready to go home as well. She gave them a smile and approached her locker, yearning to go to bed and at least get five hours of sleep.
"You still on for Monday?" Chuny asked all of a sudden.
Mark, Luka, and Abby had to look at each other to figure out who Chuny was talking to until Abby finally got it. "Yeah, just make sure you show up on Saturday."
"Swapping shifts?" Mark asked, shaking his head in disapproval.
"At least we don't pretend we're sick to stay home with our wives and sex ourselves up," Chuny said, nudging Abby in her ribs.
"One time. I did it one time, can you let that go?" Mark replied, picking up his car keys.
"Shut up and give me a ride," Chuny muttered.
"Fine," Mark said, following her out. "Good night."
"Bye," Abby said and Luka just waved his hand.
"Do you need a ride?" he asked, walking towards his own locker and taking his lab coat off.
"Um, no, thanks," Abby said.
Luka looked over. "You got a picture."
Abby instinctively looked at the photograph of her and Dominic as she reached for her purse. "Yeah, I figured might as well."
"It's nice," Luka smiled.
"Thank you."
He cleared his throat, feeling a little hesitant, and rubbed the back of his neck with his hand. Inside, he felt himself advancing and retrieving, over and over again. Finally he decided to close his eyes, cover his nostrils with his fingers and jump into the water.
"Listen, um," he began, getting her attention. "Since you don't like cat or sandwiches, or cat sandwiches... there's this nice Italian restaurant downtown. Maybe, you'd like to go sometime?"
Abby frowned for a moment. Was he asking her out? Luka Kovac? Or was he telling her there was some restaurant downtown and she should check it out... alone?
"You mean," she said nervously. "As in I'd like to go, or we'd like to go?"
Luka nodded, feeling a little foolish. "Maybe, we'd like to go... together."
"Oh," she said. This had to be some kind of day dream. She blinked hard. Nope, no dream.
Abby, go out there and find yourself a man!
Maggie's words danced around her head, tango, waltz, the jitter bug... over and over again.
"Shut up," Abby hissed at Maggie's voice.
"What?" Luka asked.
Abby came out of her dreadful auditory hallucination and there he was right in front of her, waiting for an answer. Great, the perfect moment to pull an Ally McBeal.
"Um," she began, trying to weigh the pros and the cons in less than two seconds. "Um... yeah, sure," she heard herself say without her brain's consent. Actually, she wasn't even sure the voice was hers either.
Luka smiled. "Saturday?"
"Ok."
"Ok," he repeated. "See you then?"
"Ok," Abby said again, watching as he walked out of the lounge with a smile.
What the hell just happened? Abby leaned against the locker next to hers, letting out a sigh. Her hands were sweaty, her heart was pounding and her cheeks felt hot. Since when did Luka Kovac had this effect on her?
"Oh, God," she said as she brought her hands to her face, feeling both excited and nervous. Mostly nervous. Ok, just nervous.
All of a sudden the picture of her son came into view and she sighed.
"Oh, God."
~*~
"I... have... nothing!" Abby said, irritated, as she walked out of her room and into the living room for the third time. Her face was blushed red, her make up was beginning to wear off, and her hair didn't seem to want to go on this date at all. "This is a disaster," she continued. "I should have joined that convent when I had the chance!"
"Relax, honey," Felicia said as she gave Dominic the remote control and walked with Abby to her bedroom, where there was a mountain of clothes on the bed, and there were shoes scattered all over the floor.
Still in her underwear, Abby let her body fall on the bed, clearing the sweat off her hands with a blue dress.
"Take a deep breath and relax or nothing will fit you."
Abby sat up quickly. "How can I relax? I don't have any clothes. I don't have any shoes. I might as well just go in my underwear."
"Oh, don't say that, child," Felicia said as she sorted through the pile of clothes.
"Do you think this will be one of those restaurants where you have to wear a ten thousand dollar gown or they'll throw you out?" Abby asked.
"Men don't spend that much money on a first date, honey. Maybe in the 50 year anniversary, but they'll always find a way to get a coupon."
Abby sighed. "I should call him up and cancel."
"Over my dead body!" Felicia said loudly, almost yelling. "I've been taking care of that boy for two years and I've never..."
"Seen me go on a date once," Abby finished. "You say that every week."
"You got yourself into this, you're gonna get yourself out," Felicia continued with a smile.
"I don't know," Abby said. "I think I have the flu."
"Don't you think about sabotaging this date!" Felicia scolded and picked up a blue dotted dress. "This is nice."
Abby flinched. "Yeah, if we're going back in time to 1984."
Felicia scoffed. "As soon as you get a day off we're gonna go and get you some decent clothes."
"Don't worry, I'm never going out on a date again," Abby said, twirling on a shirt.
"Here," Felicia said, throwing Abby a skirt.
Abby complained, but put it on anyway and caught a shirt Felicia threw at her.
"And remember, nice girls don't go around kissing men on the first date."
Abby smiled. "It's almost the millennium."
"I don't care if it's the trillennium, it ain't proper. You be careful with those European men. They charming, and gentlemen and before you know it, honey you got your panties around your ankles," Felicia said seriously, her rhythm gospel like.
Abby laughed. "Don't worry, I'm not wearing any underwear." She turned around expecting to see Felicia smiling, but the woman just gave her a serious look. "I'm kidding!"
Felicia shook her head as she began to clean up the room. All of a sudden both women heard a knock on the door and Abby jumped up.
"Oh God, oh God, oh God," she muttered, her heart almost ready to pop out of her chest and her hands getting sweaty in a matter of two nanoseconds. "Oh, I think I'm gonna throw up."
"I'll get it."
Abby took a couple of quick breaths as she saw the older black woman walk out of the room. "Ok, ok," she repeated to calm herself down. Raising her arms, she smelled under her armpits and then flowed the area with more deodorant. Letting out a sigh, she looked at herself in the mirror and moaned. Why did she have to be so ordinary looking?
Dominic sat on the couch in front of the television watching the cartoons as Felicia walked across the living room towards the door. Without hesitating, or asking who it was, she opened it up to reveal a tall guy in a black suit and a surprised look on his face.
"Don't worry, you're in the right place," she said as she opened the door for him to get in. "I'm Felicia, I take care of Dominic."
"Oh," Luka said as he shook her hand. "I'm Luka Kovac."
Felicia inspected him up and down, wishing she could sit him down and give him the same speech she gave Abby just a couple of minutes ago. But Abby would fire her in a second, so she decided to let it go. "Abby will be ready in a second."
"Thanks," Luka said, trying not to look as nervous as he was. Felicia went into the kitchen to prepare dinner and he approached the couch where Dominic sat. "Hi, Dominic." He sat down next to the boy and reached inside his pocket. "Look, I have a present for you."
Dominic looked over, and hesitantly grabbed the penlight off Luka's hand, immediately starting to turn it on and off.
Feeling a little more relaxed after bathing herself in deodorant fumes, Abby walked out of her room and into the living room, holding on to her purse for dear life. "Oh, look at that, new toy."
Luka looked her way and stood up immediately with a smile. "I thought he might like it."
"Thank you," Abby said, her stomach in ties and knots. "You ready?"
"Yeah."
Abby walked over and knelt in front of the couch, facing Dominic. "Hey sweetie, I'll see you in a couple of hours, okay? Don't give Felicia a hard time." Grabbing his face, she deposited a number of kisses all over his cheeks and forehead.
"Oh, you're not leaving for two weeks," Felicia said as she walked over. "Dominic and I are going to bake cookies and I don't want to hear a word about him not being able to eat sweets. You kids go out there and have fun."
Abby just shook her head and stood up. "Call me if anything happens."
"Won't be necessary," Felicia replied, pushing Abby out the door.
"Yeah, but just in case..."
"Good night," the babysitter said sternly, closing the door and locking it behind her.
Abby let out a sigh, facing the numbers on her own door.
"I think they'll be fine," Luka said, almost whispering.
Abby just smiled at him. "Yeah."
Luka extended his arm for her to walk ahead and he followed. "You look very nice."
Abby just let out a sarcastic laugh but accepted the compliment anyway. "Thank you. You look smart."
"Huh?"
~*~
There was soft piano music, soft lights, and low talking, and Abby felt a little too nervous at the moment as she put the white napkin on her lap. She shook her head slightly, looking around. "Sure we won't find the queen here?"
"Maybe no that kind of queen," Luka said and pointed over Abby's shoulder.
She looked back to see a drag queen by the bar, drinking alone. She moaned. "How do they get their hair so shiny?"
Luka smiled, remembering all those times he had to reassure the previous women in his life that, "No, honey, she's not as pretty as you." He took his napkin and laid it on his lap as well. "Well, I think you look prettier," he said, giving her a flirty smile.
Abby just looked down so he wouldn't see her red cheeks and thanked him... again. God, she hated compliments. A waiter came over and introduced himself as Mauricio, putting two menus on the table in front of them. In a very heavy Italian accent he told them about the specials, and asked if they were interested in seeing the whine chart. Luka nodded and was about to say yes until Abby interrupted him.
"Um, I-I'd rather not," she said nervously as she shook her head.
"Ok," Luka said casually, shaking his head at the waiter.
"No, I mean, if you want, go ahead," Abby told Luka.
"It's okay," Luka smiled, making a motion to let her order first.
Strike one. "Can I just have an iced tea?"
"And for you, sir?"
"Same thing," Luka ordered.
The waiter left to give them time to look at the menus and come back with their drinks. Abby took a deep breath, feeling a little too self-conscious. "I'm sorry, I just... I don't drink."
"It's okay, really," Luka chuckled.
Abby watched him as he eyed the menu. Talk about a mood killer. She looked around the restaurant once more and at the conservative patrons, most of which were business men.
"So how did you know about this place?"
Luka put the menu down for a moment. "I used to come here when I first moved to Chicago."
She was about to ask with whom until she realized it was none of her business. Hey, Luka was really a mystery, who knows how many women he dated before and after Carol. After all, nurses, female doctors and patients were always coming on to him. Abby had watched more than often as a women would write their phone numbers on a piece of paper and slip it down his lab coat pocket. She didn't know why, but it always made her so irritated. Sometimes they even asked Abby to give him their number for them! If they wanted to go out with him, why couldn't they just ask?
The waiter came back and took their orders. "Very well. Your food will be out as soon as possible, meanwhile enjoy some bread on the house."
Abby raised her eyebrows at Luka when the waiter left. "They're so polite." She followed him with her eyes as he made his way to the kitchen, suddenly opening the door abruptly and slamming it behind him.
"Marcello! I told-a ya, the veal is Picatta, not Marsalla!" the waiter yelled at the chef.
"VAFFANCULO!" the chef yelled back.
"I stand corrected," Abby smiled.
"So," Luka shifted on his seat. "I think I'm a little scared of Felicia."
Abby laughed. "She's great."
"She looks tough," Luka replied.
"She's very protective."
"Ah," Luka said. "So I guess I can't walk you to your door?"
Abby just shook her head like a fifteen year old, taking a sip of her iced tea. Iced tea on a fine dining restaurant. What was she thinking? They both ignored the basket of bread sitting in front of them as Abby asked Luka what he was doing in Chicago all the way from Croatia. He didn't seem to think it was a big deal, but she saw it differently.
"Don't you miss your family?" Abby asked.
"Sometimes. But everybody leaves home," Luka replied.
"Yeah, but Chicago is a long way."
Luka shrugged his shoulders. "It's the same, isn't it? When you're gone, you're gone."
"I guess," Abby said.
"Don't you miss your family?" Luka asked.
"No!" Abby laughed. "They're the reason I left." Not wanting him to think she came from a dysfunctional family, she added. "Well, that and to follow my ex husband around."
"You don't get along?" Luka asked.
"That obvious?"
"The walls of the lounge are thin," Luka said, feeling embarrassed for her.
She just shook her head with a smile. "We're a match made in heaven."
Glad she hadn't taken offense to that comment, Luka just chuckled slightly. She diverted the topic to work and he went along with it. By the time the food arrived, they both felt more comfortable around each other and the prospect of 'dating' for Abby wasn't that alien anymore. Dating someone from work, however, she wondered what the repercussions of that would be.
The waiter came over, took their plates and left the dessert menu on the table. As soon as Abby picked it up to eye the chocolate section, her cell phone went off.
"Sorry," she said as she reached inside her purse and took out her phone, pressing it on and putting it to her ear. "Hello?... What's wrong?" she let out a sigh, turning sideways, as if that would prevent Luka from hearing the conversation. "Did you try singing to him?... O-ok, okay, I'll be right there," she said, closing the phone and gathering her things.
"Is everything okay?" Luka asked.
"No, Dominic's not doing so well. I have to go, I'm so sorry," she said, standing up.
"Don't worry about it," Luka said, standing up as well and motioning for the waiter to come over. After paying the bill, he guided her outside.
Walking down the halls to her apartment, she could already hear Dominic screaming and grunting. She opened the door, let her purse fall on the floor and rushed over to the living room, where Felicia was trying to control Dominic's tantrum.
"How long has he been like this?" Abby asked, trying to gather Dominic's arms.
"I don't know, he was a little upset after you left," Felicia said.
"Hey! Hey!" Abby said, wrapping her arms around Dominic, but he just swung at her, punching her arms and chest and screaming. He got away from her and ran into his room, but Abby ran behind him.
She found him sitting on the floor, smacking his head with his hands. Abby rushed over and picked him up, pinning his arms to his body and sitting on a rocking chair. "Hey, it's okay," she tried to coo but Dominic continued to grunt and cry, trying to get away and hit her at the same time.
"Shh, shh, shh," she rocked back and forth, stroking his hair. He slowly began to cry lower, his angry face softening, his body becoming lazy. She began to sing him a lullaby, wrapping her arms tight around him. His cries slowly became soft hums, until she felt his little body limp and realized he had fallen asleep. Picking him up, she put him to bed, wrapping him in a soft blue blanket. Letting out a sigh, she just looked around the room, feeling emotionally and physically exhausted.
Leaving his night light on, she just walked outside. When she walked to the living room again, she was surprised to see Luka there, picking some things up. She had forgotten all about him, even about their date.
"I'm sorry, you don't have to clean that up," she said, walking over and starting to clean herself.
"Is he okay?" Luka asked.
"Yeah, he's asleep," Abby said.
Luka just nodded uncomfortably. "Felicia had to go, so..."
"Yeah, thanks," she said distractedly, trying not to look directly at him. She felt as if she had just walked out of the bathroom with toilet paper stuck to her shoe.
Luka stared at her for a moment and then walked over, pointing to her arm. "You're bleeding."
Abby looked down at her arm, noticing a straight line of blood poring out from a deep scratch and sliding down to her wrist. "Oh," she moaned, shaking her head.
"Here, let me look," he said as he walked closer, taking her arm. "Do you have any alcohol?"
Abby didn't say anything but just walked down the hall to her room, Luka in tow. She was glad to see Felicia had picked up all her clothes and shoes and cleaned her room. There was a first aid kit in one of the drawers in her bathroom and she walked outside, handing it to Luka, and sitting down on her bed.
"Does he hurt you often?" Luka asked, taking out some alcohol pads.
Abby shook her head, not wanting to make it as bad as he thought it was. "No, no, he just gets nervous sometimes. I guess... he doesn't like it when I clip his nails."
Luka looked up at her, and she just kept staring at the blood on her arm. He cleaned the wound and she didn't even flinch at the alcohol. "It's not so bad, you're a good bleeder," he tried to joke, but she didn't even move. He put a band aid on her scratch and then looked up at her again. She looked like a scolded five year old girl. "Are you okay?"
"I'm so sorry," Abby mumbled, rubbing her arm.
"It's okay," Luka tried to make light of the situation.
"No, it's not," Abby continued. "It's my fault, I should have known he wouldn't like me leaving like this." She felt an uncontrollable anger building inside of her, and suddenly tears began to welt on her eyes, but she shook them away. "Richard's right."
"About what?" Luka asked, knowing he was on a mine field.
Ignoring his question, she just continued. "I'm just so tired of this, every day is the same thing, I don't know what to do anymore."
She let her face fall in her hands and Luka didn't know if she was crying or not. Her shoulders were shaking and feeling a little out of place, he just put his arm around her. He almost jumped back when she let her body sink into his, holding on to him almost desperately. He immediately felt her hot tears through the fabric of his shirt. Her overwhelming release of emotions was almost too much for him to bare as well. He knew she was a single mother and Richard barely saw his son once a month. Apparently their marriage ended way before it technically did. He wondered if Abby had received comfort, if someone had been there for her through all of this. By the way she strongly gripped on to his shirt and his back he was guessing never. He knew how hard being a parent was, but he also knew being a single parent was even harder. He knew being a parent of an autistic child was so much harder, that it was almost mind blowing.
He put his arms around her and let her cry, rubbing her back. No matter how much he tried to reassure her that it would be okay, she kept blaming herself, over and over as it became her mantra.
"I didn't know I was pregnant, I just kept drinking," she said almost incoherently, repeating the words over and over.
"It's okay," Luka said, trying to put all the pieces together. "It's not your fault." he said again, but it occurred to him that Abby had believed this lie for so long, that to her, it was the truth.
Eventually, just as Dominic before, her cries softened up. Her head began to pound louder and louder and the pain was almost unbearable. For some reason she just couldn't let go of Luka. She tried, but her body just wouldn't budge. After Dominic had been diagnosed, Richard just became angry and bitter. He immediately blamed her for drinking during her pregnancy, for 'not taking care of herself'. He found comfort in other women, but she had to swallow it down. Richard was gone, her family lived far away, her friends were co-workers and the doctors were there for Dominic. No one was there for her. In fact, she had never cried like this in front of anyone, not Richard, or the doctors, or Felicia. There was just no time to cry, and no reason to. If she felt like crying, she convinced herself that she had to be strong for Dominic and she would just ignore her own feelings. There was something different about tonight. She had never had an outburst like this, and much less in front of someone like Luka. She couldn't even feel the guilt or embarrassment she knew would come later. At that moment, she was crying for all those years she held back.
To be continued...